♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ [Mumbling] ♪
♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
[Cartman doing menacing voice] Ha ha ha ha...
Now, I will kill the president and kill Salma Hayek!
[high voice] Oh save me, who will save me!?
I will!
James West. Cowboy and Rap Star.
Quick Artemus Cloud Frog, we've got to save Salma Hayek!
If we save her, I'm going to take off her pants
and play "slip 'n slide".
Are you okay, Salma Hayek?
Yes, but I need to get out of here.
I need some tacos and burritos
Me gusto tacos mucho!
You cannot stop me, James West!
Look out, Artemus Cloud Frog
it's giant metal spider!
Bang! Bang, bang!
Yo, yo, yo, jiggy, jiggy
with a bang, bang!
[squeek]
We saved the day!
The wild, wild, west the wild, wild, wild west!
Yo, wicky-wicky, scratch, wicky-wicky, scratch--
Eric?
The babysitter's here, come on downstairs!
But Mommm, I'm playing "wild, wild west"!
I have to leave soon, Eric.
But Mommm, me and Artemus Cloud Frog
still have to do our love scene with Salma Hayek!
Come down as soon as you're done!
[rapping] ♪ Well I'm a bad-ass cowboy living in the cowboy days ♪
♪ Wicky-wicky scratch yo-yo bang-bang ♪
♪ Me and Artemus Cloud Frog go save Salma Hayek from the big metal spider ♪
♪ Wicky-wicky wick wicky-wicky wick ♪
♪ Fresh cowboy from the west side ♪♪
Thank you so much for babysitting little Eric, Shelly!
Okay.
All his other babysitters won't come back.
I charge $5 for the first hour
5 percent bumps every hour after that
up to six hours which enters into "golden time."
Oh, that sounds fine.
I'm going to a meteor shower party.
The number where I'll be is on the refrigerator.
Eric's snooky time is 9 o'clock sharp.
If his little wugums get cold,
you can turn up the heat over here.
And if he gets cranky,
just play "tummy rub-rubs" with him.
And make sure he wipes good after he "makes bears".
"Bears"?
Oh, and don't mind the cat,
she's just being loud because she's in heat!
Reowww-owwww...
No kitty, I don't have anything!
Reowwwwww....
What the hell is wrong with you?
Stop it, kitty!
Reowwww...
Stop, kitty, that's a bad Goddamn kitty!
Okay muffin, mommy's leaving now.
You do what the babysitter tells you, okay?
Uh-huh.
Be good.
Right.
Come give mommy eskimo kisses!
Aww, Ma!
Eskimo kisses for Mommy!
[mumbling] Jesus Christ!
Bye, kids!
[door closes]
Well, go put that pizza in the oven, bitch!
I'm hungry!
Ow!
Alright, turd, listen up!
Now that your mom is gone,
I'm in charge.
I don't know how you treat your other babysitters,
but when I'm babysitting,
you're nothing but a little turd.
You're a stinky, dried-up stupid turd!
Got it?
You can't hit me, didn't you see those nanny videos on TV?
My boyfriend is coming over.
So you go to the kitchen
and you us make that pizza before I snap you in half
like the little turd stick you are!
You're not allowed to have people over!
Move!
This is bullcrap!
Ugh, ugh...
I can't reach the freezer!
Figure it out, turd!
Goddamnit...
Reoww, reowww, reowww...
Shut up, kitty!
"Any problems contact Eric's mommy at 303..."
Ah-ha!
I'm gonna call mom, and tell her the babysitter's
having her boyfriend come over.
Then we'll see who's the turd!
...And so I said, "you're a little turd, and he--"
damnit!
Reowww... Reoww...
Reowww... Reowww...
... But if you've seen one turd, you've seen them all--
Eowww... Eowwww...
...Stupid turd--
Hey, I need to use the phone!
Hold on a second, Gary.
[rip]
Arggghhh!
Oww!
I pulled his underwear over his head.
I'm gonna get her, kitty.
Mark my words!
Reoww... Reowww...
Shut the hell up, kitty!
[TV] And now, back to the movie of the week:
Aliens.
They mostly come at night... mostly.
"They mostly come at night... mostly."
Oooph!
Hey, I was watching Aliens on TV!
Well I'm watching Friends, turd.
[doorbell]
That's my boyfriend.
Go answer the door while I make sure
I don't have food in my braces!
Hey, is Shelly around?
Who the hell are you?
Oh, I'm the guy who's gonna put a boot up your ass
if you don't tell me where Shelly is.
Hey, Skylar.
You know this guy?
He's my boyfriend!
Ha! He's like 50 years old!
He's 22!
Dude, that's not cool!
You're a turd.
You're the turd man of Alcatraz.
Ha! Yeah!
Dude, when my mom finds out
that my babysitter's had their boyfriends over,
she mostly gets really mad. Mostly.
[rip]
Ackkk!
Heyyy, hey goddamnit!
Turd wedgie!
Come in the kitchen, Skylar.
There's refreshments.
[TV] And now back to Wild Animal World.
Here in the more arid regions of Africa
the gold coat lions are in the throes of mating season.
The male lion positions himself behind the female,
and prepares to insert his lionhood.
Notice his large swollen balls.
Reowwwww!
The female lion relaxes her body
and says hello to "Mr. Winky".
Reowww... Reowwww...
The male lion is enticed
by the female's supple breasts and firm backside.
Reowwwww!
Quickly and suddenly, the male is finished.
Now he wants to be alone,
so he kindly asks the female to leave.
He promises, he'll call her tomorrow.
But the female doesn't leave, no, she's moving right in.
Looks like the male lion is screwed.
Reowww... Reowwww!
Ummm....
No Skylar, quit it!
C'mon babe, how long have we know each other?
Eight days tomorrow.
And I still don't get any action!
I don't know, Skylar.
It's just kind of strange to me
that you're 22 and all.
But I'm still in high school!
I told you, I'm a very immature 22-year-old.
Well, maybe just one kiss.
Mmmm...
Hey, what are you doing?
Beat it, chubby!
Go on, Astroturd.
I'm gonna tell my mom on you!
Turd rock from the sun!
Hey! You ate all the pizza!
We left you some crusts.
That does it!
I'm calling my mom right now,
and busting your ass!
[punch]
Guess again, Richard the Turd.
Gimme that phone number!
C'mon babe, let's go to the living room.
I am not gonna be bossed around by a chick!
Maybe I'll just use my "wild, wild west" techniques
and get proof that Shelly had a boyfriend over.
Reoww.
Goddamnit, kitty, you have to calm down!
Here, I'll get you some catnip.
Reoww...
Okay, okay. Hold on, I found the catnip.
Reoww-reow!
Reowww!
[crash]
reowww! [crash]
[playing rock rhythm]
♪ Rapt darkness fills my icy soul ♪
♪ Demons from hell seek the chosen one ♪
You're such an amazing poet, Skylar.
Isn't this guitar awesome?
It's the best of its kind.
And not a scratch on it!
Skylar, not here!
I can't help it.
I see your pretty lips and I want to kiss them.
[giggle] Really?
I cherish you.
Almost as much as I cherish my guitar.
Wow!
When I make it to the big time,
I'm gonna take you shopping
and buy you lots of bad ass stuff.
Oh Skylar, I love you.
Mmmmm!
[camera clicks]
What the--
Ha ha, so right you are!
Looks like you're the turd now!
Gimme that picture!
Ehhhh!
Eghh!
Heee-ya!
Eghh!
Open this door, turd-I-dove.
I think not!
I'm gonna show this picture to my mom, when she gets home!
Your mom doesn't get home for three more hours.
That's plenty of time for me to make
a turd sandwich out of you!
[knocking] Give me that picture, turd!
You're never gonna get this picture!
Not until my mom comes home
and I can prove you had a boyfriend over he'a!
I'm gonna bust this door down!
[banging on door]
Reowww... reowww!
What should we do, Artemus Cloud Frog?
"We've got to get that picture to your mom
so that she will come home and save us."
Oh, that's quick thinking, Artemus Cloud Frog!
Listen very carefully, Mr. Kitty.
I'm putting this picture of the babysitter
and her boyfriend on your collar.
You have to take this picture to Mommy, kitty.
So that she can come home and save me.
Now run, kitty, take the picture to mommy
and lead her back here!
When you return, be sure to bring mom through the back door.
Hurry kitty, you're my only hope!
That's it, that's it, Mr. Kitty!
Meow, meow...
Aww, goddamnit!
[doorbell]
Who is that?
Oh, I invited the guys in the band over
so that we can practice.
Skylar, your band can't practice here!
Hey, do you want me to make it or not?
Don't stand between me and my dreams, babe!
S'up Mark, s'up Jonesy?
Just keep the volume down!
I have to go deal with turd boy.
[knocking]
Hey, who was that?
Who came to the door?
Eric! Your mom's been in an accident!
You just want me to open the door!
We need to run over to the hospital and identify her body.
We'll be right back!
What? Is she okay?
Not really... she's dead!
Huh!?
Ha ha, that was a turd trick.
Your mom isn't really dead!
Ah ha! I knew it was a turd trick
and I opened the door because Mr. Kitty
is on his way, right now to my mom's party
with the picture!
Ha ha, I knew you sent the cat
and that's why I went outside and got him!
Ha ha, I saw you get the picture back from Mr. Kitty
and that's why I wrote a letter to the press:
"To be opened in case of my demise."
So if anything happened to me, that letter will go out.
And you will never find it!
You mean, this one?
Okay. Let's see here...
Ah-ha!
Uhmm...
Goddamnit!
[rip]
Arhhh!
[thump thump] Ow, ow!
Okay, check, check check 1, 2, check!
Okay, ready?
Alright, let's try the new song.
This is a song I wrote for you, Shelly.
1, 2, 1-2-3-4!
♪ When I saw her walking down the street ♪
♪ I thought she was Shelly, Shelly ♪
Aw man, you guys suck!
♪ Now that we're together I'm absolutely sure ♪
♪ That she's Shelly, Shelly ♪
You're the crappiest band I've ever heard.
♪ Move into my mom's house with me ♪
♪ Shelly, Shelly ♪
Reowww, reowwww...
Reowww!
Reowww...
Reowwww...
[in the distance] Meowww!
Reowww!
Bridge!
♪ I pledge allegiance to the flag ♪
♪ Of the united states... ♪
♪ Of Shelly, Shelly ♪
Oh my God, somebody shoot me in the head!
Hey! Shut up, tubby!
Don't call me fat!
Now, you guys are not supposed to be in here,
you get out now and respect my authority!
Ow!
Reowwww!
Meowww...
Reowww...
Meowww...
Reowww?
Meowwww...
Reowwww...
Meoww... Meoww...
Meowww... [grunting]
Yeah, dude, that was hot!
This guitar rocks, man!
It rocks!
What do you think, Shelly?
Honestly?
I think you guys need some work.
Oh, really?
I just think your sound is kind of...
..."last week."
Well, I'd like to see you do any better, bitch!
Well, I do have a song I wrote.
Okay, why don't you sing it for us?
No Skylar, I'm embarrassed!
Hey, man, don't be shy!
Well, okay... I'll try.
But I'm not promising anything.
1-2-3-4!
♪ So much pain in the world today ♪
♪ Too many turds are heading my way ♪
♪ But we can flush the turds together ♪
♪ Passing by turds whenever ♪
♪ Don't you know it's a-♪
♪ Life's so void of happiness ♪
♪ Feel free to mark my words ♪
♪ But me and you will my love do ♪
♪ In a world that's full of turds ♪
♪ Turds ♪ ♪ Turds ♪
♪ Dime-a-dozen Sphincter-lovin' ♪
♪ Turds ♪ ♪ Turds ♪
Mom, the babysitter has her boyfriend over!
Oh no, no, no that's impossible, hon.
I told her no visitors.
There's a whole crappy band here,
can you hear them?
Can you hear them?
This party is very loud, poopykins!
You'll have to speak up!
Damnit, her boyfriend is here,
don't you believe me?
Not really, hon, Mom has to go now.
I'll be home in about an hour.
Oh, oh! Mr. Mackey!
[Mackey] Ha-huh, 'kay.
I'll never be able to prove that son-of-a-bitch was here!
My Speak 'n Record bear.
Of course!
♪ In a world that's full of turds ♪
♪ Turds ♪
Dude, this is gay!
Shut up!
You shut up, your girlfriend is not joining our band.
Yeah dude, what the hell's wrong with you anyway?
She's like, 12!
You guys get out!
Don't question my love!
My love is as pure as morning snow!
Get out, I said!
Reowwww!
[muffled screeching]
Meowww?
Reowww...
[muffled meowing]
Meoww...
Reowww!
Uh... zzzz...
Meowww!
Aw, man!
Testing, testing, 1-2...
[rewinding]
Testing, testing, 1-2...
Sweet.
We're gonna go outside to watch the meteor shower
I'm locking you in your room 'til we get back in, turd.
Okay, see you in a while.
Will you tell me what it looked like?
The meteor shower?
They mostly come every few years... mostly.
What the hell is wrong with you?
How come you're not yelling and whining?
Well, I just, I kind of like having you around.
What? No you don't!
No, I'm serious.
See, I never had a brother or sister.
I think people that have a brother or sister
don't realize how lucky they are.
Sure, they fight a lot
but to know that there's always somebody there,
somebody that's family.
I wonder if... Well, maybe sometimes,
I could pretend like you're my big sister.
And you could kind of, watch over me, you know,
like, we could watch a meteor shower together some time.
And I could pretend I'm somebody's brother!
If only for a day.
Alright, get your turd coat.
You can come see the meteor shower with us.
You mean it?
But don't bug me and Skylar, c'mon!
Hoo-ray!
Yes, I'm gonna have you and your boyfriend's voices on my Speak 'n Record bear
and then you'll mostly never babysit me again...mostly.
Yes, yes, what a beautiful night!
It is Saturday, the 12th at 10:45
and my mother is away at a party right now.
Shut up, turd!
That, of course, is the voice of my babysitter
Shelly Marsh, age 12.
What are you doing?
I'm just thinking out loud.
Do you have anything to say, Skylar,
Shelly's boyfriend, who is sitting right here?
Go away, turd.
I'm sorry, did you say something Skylar?
Ahhh!
Reowww...
Meoww... Reowww... Reowww...
[purring]
Meoww... Reowww... Reowww...
Yeah, c'mon give it up!
No!
Give it up, babe!
No!!!
C'mon, baby!
No Skylar, I'm not putting out for you!
Why the hell not?
'Cause I'm 12!
You're not gonna put out for me?
No!!
Well, then, screw you, bitch!
I've got plenty of other girlfriends that will!
What? But I thought you liked me!
If you're not putting out then I'm movin' on.
There's plenty of chicks like you out there.
Screw you, prude bitch.
Me and my bad ass guitar are going home. Hasta!
Gotcha!
[sobbing softly]
Oh yeah, oh yeah! I'm the kid with the wild west!
Shelly, guess who's busted!?
[sobbing louder]
Hey, I said, guess who's busted!?
[sobbing continues]
You're not gonna trick me, I got the goods on you!
I don't care!
He acted like he really liked me,
nobody's ever liked me before!
I can't believe I trusted him!
I'm so stupid!
But, dude, he's 22!
What were you doing with him, anyway?
Nobody my age would go out with me
'cause I'm too ugly!
You're not ugly!
You don't think so?
Well, you're pretty ugly, but
you don't have to be dating 22 year olds.
I mean, what kind of scumbag asshole
dates 12-year-old girls?
You're right, he is a scumbag!
I wish I could get him back.
I just don't know how.
Well, I could ask Artemus Cloud Frog.
He would know.
Huh!?
If you want, I could help you.
Really? You would do that?
Just let me get my cowboy hat.
Reowww...?
Reowww...
Meowww... Reowww... Meowww...
[dance music starts]
[lame guitar strumming]
[knock on door]
What the hell is this!?
[high voice in distance] Help me, help me... this is Salma Hayek!
is anybody there?
Salma Hayek? Whoa, she's hot!
Okay, it's clear!
Over here, please come quick!
We don't have much time!
This won't take me long!
[dance music pumping]
Reowww... Meowww... Meowww... Meowww...
Reowww... Meowww... Reowww... Meowww...
Reowww...?
Hurry up in there!
I'm almost done!
Hellooo?
Hello, Mrs. Hayek?
Over here, please help me!
I am lost and I have no clothes!
No clothes, right!
[crunching & sawing]
I'm over here, please help me!
I will reward you greatly.
I'm right here, Ms. Hayek.
Oh, please help me!
What the--
Please help me, I will give you tacos.
Dude, somebody tricked me!
I'll make you pay for making me come out here, Goddamnit!
Stupid asshole stuffed animals trying to ruin my night!
[gasp]
My guitar!
[echoing] Nooooooo!
That was so cool!
I wish we could'a seen his face.
Thanks for all your help, Eric.
Y'know, as far as turds go, you're okay!
[music still cranking]
Oh, my God!
They're having a cat orgy!
You are all very bad kitties!
That is a bad, bad kitty!
Your mom's gonna be home soon.
We're gonna get busted!
C'mon kitties, outside, c'mon...
That's it, c'mon, c'mon!
Uh-oh...
You two ruined my career. I'm gonna get you!
Ughn!
Ohhhh, ohhhhh!
Arghhhh! What are you doing!?
Ohh, you ripped my pants off...
Oh my God, I'm not a cat!!!
C'mon, we've gotta get the house clean
before your mom gets home.
Y'know, Eric, it's kinda cool
that two people who hated each other can be friends.
Yeah, I think we get along okay.
Hi kids, I'm home!
Mom, I can explain!
It was all Shelly's fault she didn't watch the cat!
No, it was Eric's fault he let these cats in here!
Oooh, what a party that was!
♪ [humming merrily] ♪
Wow, she passed out!
Luckily for us, my mom's a total lush!
Well let's clean up the house.
Looks like everything turned out okay!
That's how it goes in the wild, wild west!
[rapping] ♪ Well I'm a bad-ass cowboy living in the cowboy days ♪
♪ Wicky-wicky scratch yo-yo bang-bang ♪
♪ Me and Artemus Cloud Frog go save Salma Hayek from the big metal spider ♪
♪ Wicky-wicky wick wicky-wicky wick ♪
♪ Fresh cowboy from the west side ♪♪
♪ Wicky-wicky scratch yo-yo bang-bang ♪
♪ Me and Artemus Cloud Frog go to save Salma party pants ♪
[stumbling] ♪ Go down to... where... ♪♪
[laughing]