1 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:10,219 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪ 2 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:11,929 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪ 3 00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:13,723 Both: ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪ 4 00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:15,433 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪ 5 00:00:15,558 --> 00:00:16,475 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪ 6 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,769 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪ 7 00:00:18,894 --> 00:00:20,479 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪ 8 00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:22,023 ♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ 9 00:00:22,148 --> 00:00:23,315 ♪ Headin' on up to South Park ♪ 10 00:00:23,441 --> 00:00:24,900 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪ 11 00:00:25,026 --> 00:00:28,696 ♪ [muffled] ♪ 12 00:00:28,821 --> 00:00:29,905 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪ 13 00:00:30,031 --> 00:00:32,324 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪ 14 00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:33,951 [school bell rings] 15 00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:36,704 Good morning, children. Mr. Garrison is away today. 16 00:00:36,829 --> 00:00:40,499 I am your substitute teacher, Mr. Wyland. 17 00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:42,084 Oh, sweet, dude. Substitute teacher. 18 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:44,128 Now, I understand that some students in this class 19 00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:46,714 like to mess with substitute teachers, 20 00:00:46,839 --> 00:00:48,340 but if we all behave and respect each other, 21 00:00:48,466 --> 00:00:51,385 I'm sure we can make this a fun and productive day. 22 00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:52,720 Let's start with roll call. 23 00:00:52,845 --> 00:00:55,639 Let's see, mm, Eric Cartman? 24 00:00:55,765 --> 00:00:56,640 Here. 25 00:00:56,766 --> 00:01:01,437 [all laugh] 26 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:04,690 Alright, and how about Stan Marsh? 27 00:01:04,815 --> 00:01:05,691 [muffled] Here. 28 00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:09,945 [all laugh] 29 00:01:10,071 --> 00:01:11,614 It's not that funny, you guys. Jesus. 30 00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:14,950 Okay, and where is Kenny McCormick? 31 00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:15,951 Here. 32 00:01:16,077 --> 00:01:18,913 [hysterical laughter] 33 00:01:19,038 --> 00:01:19,914 Oh! [laughs] 34 00:01:20,039 --> 00:01:21,123 Ow! 35 00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:22,750 Dude, what the hell was that? 36 00:01:22,875 --> 00:01:23,959 Oh, oh, dude, you know when you're laughing so hard 37 00:01:24,085 --> 00:01:25,795 that the milk comes out your nose? 38 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,171 Oh, man. 39 00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:28,422 Dude, you weren't drinking any milk. 40 00:01:28,547 --> 00:01:30,216 Huh? 41 00:01:30,341 --> 00:01:31,342 You have to be drinking milk for that to happen. 42 00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:33,135 Not with me, man. 43 00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:34,595 Alright, look, why don't we skip roll call? 44 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,055 Here's what we're gonna do today. 45 00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:37,598 I've been told that one of your classmates 46 00:01:37,723 --> 00:01:40,267 has been ill for several days, Kyle Broflovski? 47 00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:42,228 He's faking. 48 00:01:42,353 --> 00:01:44,230 Well, I've been told that in Mr. Garrison's absence, 49 00:01:44,355 --> 00:01:47,024 our activity for the day is to make a get-well card for Kyle, 50 00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:48,734 so I've got this large piece of poster board, 51 00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:49,902 and we're all gonna come up 52 00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:51,654 and use glitter and glue to decorate it. 53 00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:52,655 All: Aw. 54 00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,698 He's faking. 55 00:01:54,824 --> 00:01:56,325 [children chattering] 56 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,410 Kenny, you come and decorate the get-well card too. 57 00:01:58,536 --> 00:01:59,578 But I don't want Kyle to get well. 58 00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:00,830 I hate Kyle. 59 00:02:00,955 --> 00:02:02,248 I don't care. Get down here and do it. 60 00:02:02,373 --> 00:02:04,708 Hey, watch it. - Hey, what are you doing? 61 00:02:04,834 --> 00:02:05,960 Now, that's a get-well card. 62 00:02:06,085 --> 00:02:08,379 [all laugh] 63 00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:11,507 [laughs] 64 00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:14,635 Mr. Garrison, after a very careful review, 65 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,428 the school board believes that you should take 66 00:02:16,554 --> 00:02:19,515 a hiatus from teaching indefinitely. 67 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,016 What? 68 00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:23,477 Frankly, your conduct has been somewhat disconcerting. 69 00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:25,271 Did you know that not one of your students 70 00:02:25,396 --> 00:02:27,148 knew who Sam Adams was? 71 00:02:27,273 --> 00:02:28,983 Well, who cares about a guy that makes beer? 72 00:02:29,108 --> 00:02:32,319 Jesus Christ, I'm trying to teach history. 73 00:02:32,444 --> 00:02:34,113 Frankly, Mr. Garrison, it isn't even 74 00:02:34,238 --> 00:02:37,283 your educational record that we're most concerned about. 75 00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:40,035 It's your somewhat substantial police record. 76 00:02:40,161 --> 00:02:41,412 Pfft. Oh, whatever. 77 00:02:41,537 --> 00:02:43,289 Mr. Garrison, last week's charges 78 00:02:43,414 --> 00:02:45,791 of attempting to solicit sex from a minor-- 79 00:02:45,916 --> 00:02:47,918 That was not me. That was Mr. Hat. 80 00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:49,712 All we're saying is, perhaps you should take 81 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:52,006 a little hiatus from teaching until this little 82 00:02:52,131 --> 00:02:54,800 "child molestation" thing dies down a bit. 83 00:02:54,925 --> 00:02:57,511 Gentlemen, teaching is all I know. 84 00:02:57,636 --> 00:02:59,763 It is the air that I breathe. 85 00:02:59,889 --> 00:03:00,639 We're sorry, Mr. Garrison. 86 00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:02,433 We have no choice. 87 00:03:02,558 --> 00:03:03,851 Very well. 88 00:03:03,976 --> 00:03:07,938 I guess I'm not a teacher anymore. 89 00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,608 I suppose you'll be wanting my badge and gun. 90 00:03:10,733 --> 00:03:13,694 Mr. Garrison, most teachers do not carry a gun. 91 00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,529 Oh, so I can keep it then? 92 00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:19,491 [babbles] 93 00:03:19,617 --> 00:03:21,076 Kyle? 94 00:03:21,202 --> 00:03:22,494 Stan and his mother came over to visit you. 95 00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:24,163 Hello, sweetie. 96 00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:26,248 Dude, you can stop faking now. We got a substitute teacher. 97 00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:27,208 [babbles] 98 00:03:27,333 --> 00:03:28,459 Kyle? 99 00:03:28,584 --> 00:03:29,627 They say it's his kidneys. 100 00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:31,170 Kyle always has been a diabetic, 101 00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:33,297 and lately, his kidneys have just been shutting down. 102 00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:35,174 Well, the kids at school made you a card, Kyle. 103 00:03:35,299 --> 00:03:39,136 Look. 104 00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:40,137 Go on, Butters. 105 00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:41,138 I don't want to. 106 00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:42,139 Butters, go on. 107 00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:43,641 Oh, alright then. 108 00:03:43,766 --> 00:03:45,059 ♪ We're so sorry you're not feeling well ♪ 109 00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:46,393 ♪ We hope you're better soon ♪ 110 00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:47,645 ♪ So we're bringing you some sunshine ♪ 111 00:03:47,770 --> 00:03:49,104 ♪ By singing you this tune ♪ 112 00:03:49,230 --> 00:03:50,356 ♪ Everybody misses you ♪ 113 00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:51,774 ♪ And though we hate to cause a fuss ♪ 114 00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:53,025 ♪ We'd like to say, "get well soon" ♪ 115 00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:55,110 ♪ And please don't die on us ♪ 116 00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:57,154 [air hisses] 117 00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:58,989 [babbles] 118 00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:00,115 Dude, you really are sick, huh? 119 00:04:00,241 --> 00:04:01,367 I don't know, I-- 120 00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:02,952 I don't know what to do, Sharon. 121 00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:04,662 They want to have him go into surgery, 122 00:04:04,787 --> 00:04:06,622 but that's so dangerous. 123 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,791 Sheila, have you tried holistic natural medicines? 124 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:11,001 They work wonders. I read all about it in People. 125 00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:12,294 Really? In People? 126 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,213 There's a brand-new shop in town 127 00:04:14,338 --> 00:04:16,632 that sells holistic medicines and all-natural foods. 128 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,425 It's run by this fascinating woman 129 00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:20,594 named Miss Information. 130 00:04:20,719 --> 00:04:23,055 Oh, well, with a name like Miss Information, 131 00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:24,515 she must know something. 132 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,100 Why don't we at least take Kyle down there 133 00:04:26,225 --> 00:04:27,393 and see what she has to say? 134 00:04:27,518 --> 00:04:28,769 Okay. I'll get our coats. 135 00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:30,562 [babbles] 136 00:04:30,688 --> 00:04:33,232 Can I go now? 137 00:04:33,357 --> 00:04:34,566 I don't know what I'm going to do, Mackey. 138 00:04:34,692 --> 00:04:36,110 Teaching is all I know. 139 00:04:36,235 --> 00:04:38,237 Mkay, well, maybe you need to view this 140 00:04:38,362 --> 00:04:40,990 as a chance to do something you've always wanted to do. 141 00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:42,700 I've always wanted to write a novel. 142 00:04:42,825 --> 00:04:44,785 Well, there you go, mkay? 143 00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,370 But I never know what to write about. 144 00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:48,455 Well, that's easy. Write about what you know. 145 00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:50,916 Write about what you love. What do you love most? 146 00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:52,126 Besides teaching? 147 00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:53,085 Yes. 148 00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:55,254 Poontang. 149 00:04:55,379 --> 00:04:56,588 Mm--mkay? 150 00:04:56,714 --> 00:04:58,132 I can't help it. 151 00:04:58,257 --> 00:04:59,967 I'm a womanizer sometimes, I know, but I just think 152 00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:01,969 that taking a woman home and getting some hot poon 153 00:05:02,094 --> 00:05:03,846 is about the greatest thing in the world. 154 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,264 Well, that settles it, Mr. Garrison. 155 00:05:05,389 --> 00:05:08,726 What you need to do is go write a great romance novel. 156 00:05:08,851 --> 00:05:10,311 Yes, that's it. 157 00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:14,315 I am going to write the great American romance novel. 158 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:16,817 [sitar music] 159 00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,152 You see, the reasons our bodies fail 160 00:05:18,277 --> 00:05:19,403 is because of toxins. 161 00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:20,612 Toxins? 162 00:05:20,738 --> 00:05:22,197 All the horrible food we eat, 163 00:05:22,323 --> 00:05:23,991 the sodas and meats are filled with toxins, 164 00:05:24,116 --> 00:05:25,909 and the only way for us to get better 165 00:05:26,035 --> 00:05:28,287 is to flush those toxins out of our system. 166 00:05:28,412 --> 00:05:31,123 Western medicine is so quick to cut and carve up, 167 00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:34,084 but all your son needs is a toxin-flushing diet 168 00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:36,253 of lemon juice and cayenne pepper. 169 00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:38,297 Wow, that's amazing, Miss Information. 170 00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:39,548 Do you hear that, Kyle? 171 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,050 You don't need surgery after all. 172 00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:42,384 [coughs] 173 00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,762 Excuse me, but what do these toxins look like? 174 00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:45,971 What? 175 00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,389 Have you ever actually seen a toxin? 176 00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:48,974 Don't be a smart-ass, Stanley. 177 00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:50,809 Mrs. Broflovski, we'd like to give your son herbs 178 00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,478 that focus on the kidney. 179 00:05:52,603 --> 00:05:54,813 I have these excellent herbs from local Native Americans. 180 00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:56,315 Ooh, Native Americans. 181 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,359 Now, they know how to heal the body spiritually. 182 00:05:58,484 --> 00:05:59,360 [babbles] 183 00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:01,487 [coughs] 184 00:06:01,612 --> 00:06:02,905 "Out on the balcony 185 00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:04,573 "when Reginald kissed Diana's lips, 186 00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:06,283 "her knees went weak. 187 00:06:06,408 --> 00:06:08,327 "Slowly, he pulled her top down, 188 00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:11,663 exposing her soft, unyielding breasts." 189 00:06:11,789 --> 00:06:13,916 Oh, yeah. Now this is getting good. 190 00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,542 "just the sight of those breasts 191 00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:18,087 "made Reginald's penis very hard. 192 00:06:18,212 --> 00:06:20,297 "His penis was of considerable size, 193 00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:23,300 "and now beads of sweat ran slowly down his penis, 194 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:25,135 "making it glisten like a strong swimmer 195 00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:27,137 "fresh from out of the pool. 196 00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:29,098 "It was a fantastic penis 197 00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:31,100 "that seemed as strong as a horse's leg, 198 00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:34,019 "yet as delicate as a flower wrapped in silk. 199 00:06:34,144 --> 00:06:36,605 "What a grand, grand penis. 200 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:39,483 Diana's nipples--" 201 00:06:39,608 --> 00:06:41,026 Uh, let's see. 202 00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:43,612 "Diana's nipples--" 203 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,656 Oh, writer's block. Writer's block. 204 00:06:45,781 --> 00:06:46,990 Hmm. Crap! 205 00:06:47,116 --> 00:06:48,617 I'm stuck. Oh, well. 206 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,285 Maybe that's enough writing for tonight, Mr. Hat. 207 00:06:52,830 --> 00:06:54,373 Oh, my. He looks terrible. 208 00:06:54,498 --> 00:06:55,999 Yes, poor little dear. 209 00:06:56,125 --> 00:06:58,127 Good morning, everyone. 210 00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:00,045 Oh, thanks for coming, Miss Information. 211 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:03,173 Kyle seems to be getting worse. 212 00:07:03,298 --> 00:07:05,050 [vocalizes] 213 00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:07,511 Oh, I don't agree. He seems much better. 214 00:07:07,636 --> 00:07:09,096 Really? - What? 215 00:07:09,221 --> 00:07:11,098 Yes, his chi is flowing much nicer than yesterday, 216 00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:12,766 and his aura is lighter. 217 00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,184 Oh, that's great news. 218 00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:15,185 [vomits] 219 00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,186 Oh no. 220 00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:17,688 No, no, that's good. 221 00:07:17,813 --> 00:07:19,648 Those are the toxins flushing out of his system. 222 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,233 Ooh. - Those aren't toxins! 223 00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:23,277 That's the bean with bacon soup he ate half an hour ago. 224 00:07:23,402 --> 00:07:25,279 Stanley, what did I say about being a smart-ass? 225 00:07:25,404 --> 00:07:26,738 Don't be a smart-ass? 226 00:07:26,864 --> 00:07:28,282 Now, don't be fooled as Kyle's body 227 00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:30,033 sheds itself more and more of all the toxins. 228 00:07:30,159 --> 00:07:31,577 He will appear to be getting worse, 229 00:07:31,702 --> 00:07:33,454 but actually, he is getting better. 230 00:07:33,579 --> 00:07:36,498 Wow, well, I am sold on natural medicines. 231 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:38,208 If only I had known sooner. 232 00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,669 I agree. - Oh, yes, that's right. 233 00:07:42,337 --> 00:07:43,380 [intercom beeps] 234 00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:44,590 Mr. Marsh is here to see you. 235 00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:46,008 Alright. Send him in. 236 00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,009 Oh, Stanley. 237 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,010 Hi, Doctor. 238 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,052 What can I do for you? 239 00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:50,554 Well, it's my friend, Kyle. 240 00:07:50,679 --> 00:07:52,431 I think he's really, really sick. 241 00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:54,475 He is really, really sick, Stanley. 242 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,477 I was seeing him last week when he first got ill, 243 00:07:56,602 --> 00:07:58,395 but unfortunately, his mother has decided 244 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,064 to put all her trust into holistic medicine. 245 00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:02,816 But I don't think it's working. 246 00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:04,735 Alright, Stanley, I'm going to be very honest with you. 247 00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:06,862 Your little friend Kyle needs a kidney transplant, 248 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:10,449 or it is very possible that he will die. 249 00:08:10,574 --> 00:08:12,242 Die? 250 00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:16,079 But Kyle's my best friend in the whole world. 251 00:08:16,205 --> 00:08:18,081 I know this is a lot to lay on someone your age, 252 00:08:18,207 --> 00:08:20,918 but the rest of the town is so gung ho on new age medicine 253 00:08:21,043 --> 00:08:23,003 that I have nowhere else to turn. 254 00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,505 I'll give Kyle my kidney. 255 00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:26,256 Even if it hurts a whole lot, I don't care. 256 00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:27,508 That's very brave, Stan, 257 00:08:27,633 --> 00:08:28,967 but I've already checked my records, 258 00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:30,594 and you and Kyle aren't a match for kidneys. 259 00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:33,597 In fact, there's only one person in South Park 260 00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,265 with the same blood type as Kyle. 261 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:36,266 Who? 262 00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:38,477 [dramatic music] 263 00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:39,228 Oh, shit. 264 00:08:42,773 --> 00:08:46,151 [imitating whirring and lasers zapping] 265 00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:47,444 Coming in for attack, Captain. 266 00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:48,612 [imitates laser zapping] 267 00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:50,155 Give me the space cruiser, Kenny. 268 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,074 Now, Kenny, you have to give me the sub-space cruiser 269 00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:54,743 so I can destroy the Ganjeez on Cluster Five. 270 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:55,827 [muffled] No, it's mine! 271 00:08:55,953 --> 00:08:56,828 [doorbell rings] 272 00:08:56,954 --> 00:08:58,121 [grunts] 273 00:08:58,247 --> 00:08:59,581 [laughs] 274 00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,749 I broke your space cruiser, Kenny. 275 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:01,917 [laughs] 276 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,544 Ooh, ah, ow. 277 00:09:03,669 --> 00:09:05,045 Ooh, sweetums, did you laugh too hard again? 278 00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:06,630 Yeah. 279 00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:08,090 Well, some more of your little friends 280 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,091 are here to play with you. 281 00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:10,300 Okay, Mom. 282 00:09:10,425 --> 00:09:11,510 And don't get too close to Kyle. 283 00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:14,304 He looks like he might have the AIDS. 284 00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:15,681 What's going on, guys? 285 00:09:15,806 --> 00:09:17,015 Cartman, we have to ask you a question, 286 00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:18,350 a very serious question. 287 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,561 Okay. - Kyle's in trouble, Cartman. 288 00:09:20,686 --> 00:09:22,646 I can see him getting worse right before my eyes. 289 00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:24,606 There might be a way that you can save his life. 290 00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:25,774 Uh-huh? 291 00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,693 What Kyle really needs is a new kidney. 292 00:09:27,818 --> 00:09:29,027 Oh, I think I see where this is going. 293 00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:30,362 [groans] 294 00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:32,072 His mom is trying all this eastern medicine 295 00:09:32,197 --> 00:09:34,074 new age bullcrap on him, but it's obviously not working. 296 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,701 Stan, why don't you just ask the question? 297 00:09:35,826 --> 00:09:37,035 Alright. 298 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,745 Will you donate one of your kidneys to Kyle? 299 00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:40,414 ♪ No, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no ♪ 300 00:09:40,539 --> 00:09:41,790 You only need one, fat boy. 301 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,208 ♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪ 302 00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:44,501 Dude, one of your friends is gonna die. 303 00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:45,627 Don't you see how serious this is? 304 00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:46,628 [muffled] 305 00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,130 [coughs] 306 00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,507 Well, perhaps I could see my way to giving up a kidney 307 00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:51,508 for a price. 308 00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:52,593 Oh my God. 309 00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:53,969 How much? - I don't know. 310 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,554 How much is your life worth to you, Kyle? 311 00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:57,389 Cartman, you are so going to hell when you die. 312 00:09:57,514 --> 00:09:59,891 Yes, well, until then, I need about $10 million. 313 00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:01,518 [muffled] $10 million? 314 00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:03,270 What the hell would you do with $10 million, fat-ass? 315 00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:04,354 What I intend to do with the money 316 00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:05,856 is not an issue, is it? 317 00:10:05,981 --> 00:10:06,898 I suggest you start looking for that money quickly. 318 00:10:07,024 --> 00:10:08,191 Kyle doesn't seem to have much time. 319 00:10:08,317 --> 00:10:09,735 Ticktock ticktock. 320 00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:10,902 Come on, Kyle. Let's get out of here. 321 00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:12,571 Okay, where were we, Kenny? Oh, yeah. 322 00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:14,823 Quick, Captain, we must destroy the Ganjeez on Cluster Five. 323 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,116 Give me the space cruiser. 324 00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:17,701 Give it, Kenny. Myah! 325 00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:20,662 Ooh, free-range aspirin. 326 00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:22,914 All-natural cell phones. 327 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:24,333 Oh, look, everyone. 328 00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:26,418 These are our two resident Native Americans, 329 00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,587 Chief Running Pinto and Carlos Ramirez. 330 00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:31,965 [all talking at once] 331 00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:33,925 Do you have any new holistic items for sale? 332 00:10:34,051 --> 00:10:35,344 Oh, oh, yeah. 333 00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:38,513 Uh, here, uh, this is a, uh, dream catcher. 334 00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:41,433 Oh, a dream catcher. I'll buy one. 335 00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:44,186 Yeah, and these here are Cherokee hair tampons. 336 00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,021 They're, like, tampons made with all-natural hair 337 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,439 from the Cherokee people. 338 00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:49,149 Ooh, a tampon made from Cherokee hair. 339 00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:50,859 Now, that sounds natural. 340 00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,570 Native Americans are more in tune with the Earth than we are. 341 00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:55,280 Oh, yeah. We love the Earth, man. 342 00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:56,823 Oh, yeah. The Earth is great. 343 00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:58,867 Mrs. Broflovski's son is a little sick. 344 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,619 Perhaps she could bring him in tomorrow 345 00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:02,412 and you could give him some spiritual healing. 346 00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:04,039 Oh, sure, we can do that, man. 347 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,208 We'll give him, like, a brain enema or something. 348 00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,084 [chuckles] 349 00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:09,002 Wonderful. 350 00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:10,587 Why don't you follow me over to the cash register, 351 00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:11,838 and I'll take a deposit? 352 00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:13,507 Do you have any more stuff to sell? 353 00:11:13,632 --> 00:11:16,093 We want to buy more stuff. - Yes, much, much more stuff. 354 00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:18,053 Sure, uh, we just got to go back to our truck-- 355 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,721 I mean our horses and grab some more junk. 356 00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:21,431 [laughs] Come on. 357 00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:24,768 Good-bye, Native Americans. The spirit of Maya is with you. 358 00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:26,269 Oh, yeah. You too and junk. 359 00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:28,397 [both chuckle] It's funny, man. 360 00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:30,273 Oh, hi, Stanley. 361 00:11:30,399 --> 00:11:32,109 Look, I'm buying you some more all-natural toothpaste. 362 00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:33,568 You mean the stuff that tastes like ass 363 00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:34,695 and doesn't fight cavities? 364 00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:35,946 That's right. 365 00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:37,698 Look, um, I know that you all think 366 00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:39,741 the Earth and all its natural healing powers can cure Kyle, 367 00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,535 but the doctor at the hospital told me it can't. 368 00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:43,245 Well, of course the doctor told you that 369 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,288 because he wants to make money. 370 00:11:45,414 --> 00:11:47,708 Holistic medicine is about nature. 371 00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:49,543 $233. 372 00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:51,461 [cash register beeps] 373 00:11:51,586 --> 00:11:52,879 Everything's going to be fine, Stan. 374 00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:54,381 We're bringing Kyle in tomorrow 375 00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,550 to see the Native Americans personally. 376 00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,009 Isn't it possible that these Indians 377 00:11:58,135 --> 00:11:59,052 don't know what they're talking about? 378 00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:00,721 You watch your mouth, Stanley. 379 00:12:00,846 --> 00:12:02,764 The Native Americans were raped of their land and resources 380 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,516 by white people like us. 381 00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:06,643 And that has something to do with their medicine because-- 382 00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:09,646 Enough, Stanley. 383 00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,106 [somber music] 384 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:12,399 Nobody wants to listen, Kenny. 385 00:12:12,524 --> 00:12:13,650 [muffled] I know. 386 00:12:13,775 --> 00:12:14,526 I don't know what else to do. 387 00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,361 I mean, he could die, Kenny, 388 00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:17,821 and that means we'd never see him again. 389 00:12:17,946 --> 00:12:19,531 [muffled] Mm-hmm. 390 00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,032 I guess maybe I've always taken friends for granted 391 00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:22,617 like they'd always be there. 392 00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,995 If a friend died, I don't know what I'd do. 393 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,247 Well, I'm not just gonna stand here and watch my friend die. 394 00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:28,540 Kenny, go round up all the kids in town 395 00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:30,000 who want to help Kyle. 396 00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:32,127 Round them up and meet me at the bus stop at 7:30. 397 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,754 Kyle's gonna live. 398 00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:34,755 [grunts] 399 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,759 "Chapter 18. 400 00:12:38,884 --> 00:12:41,845 "Diana had never slept with another woman before, 401 00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:45,140 but it was an erotic thought she often fantasized about." 402 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,809 Oh, yeah, Mr. Hat. Hot lesbo scene coming up. 403 00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:50,771 "and as Rebecca's naked body lay before her, 404 00:12:50,896 --> 00:12:53,231 "Diana couldn't help but feel aroused. 405 00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:56,276 "'Go on,' Rebecca said softly, 'touch me.' 406 00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:58,236 "Diana leaned down slowly 407 00:12:58,361 --> 00:13:01,281 "and brushed Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips. 408 00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:04,409 "It felt good, like a penis, 409 00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:07,829 "a soft but sturdy penis that felt warm to the touch. 410 00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:09,748 "In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt 411 00:13:09,873 --> 00:13:11,958 "like she was surrounded by penises. 412 00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,710 "They were all around her, 413 00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:16,755 "flopping all around and slapping her face. 414 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:20,217 "It was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises. 415 00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:22,427 "they presented themselves tall and mighty 416 00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:24,262 all around her with--" 417 00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:27,390 Mr. Hat, what the hell are you doing? 418 00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:28,558 Oh, Mr. Hat. 419 00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:31,728 Come on, where are they? 420 00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:36,650 This is it? 421 00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:38,276 [muffled] Mm-hmm. - Timmy! 422 00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:39,820 This is everyone that wanted to help Kyle? 423 00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:41,321 Well, Clyde was gonna come too, 424 00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:43,073 but he said his mom was making tacos for dinner, 425 00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:44,741 and Clyde likes tacos a whole lot. 426 00:13:44,866 --> 00:13:46,284 Jesus Christ. Alright, Butters. 427 00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:47,786 You take this medical book, and everyone follow me. 428 00:13:47,911 --> 00:13:49,287 Well, where are we going? 429 00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:50,831 We're gonna go take Cartman's kidney. 430 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:57,337 Mom, do you ever have those heavy flow days? 431 00:13:57,462 --> 00:13:59,214 Oh, absolutely, sweetheart. Everybody does. 432 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:00,841 Mom, remember the movie The Shining 433 00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:02,968 where the elevator doors are opening up and all the-- 434 00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:05,804 Oh, honey, what you need is a more absorbent tampon. 435 00:14:05,929 --> 00:14:07,430 Like what? 436 00:14:07,556 --> 00:14:10,976 Well, what's the most absorbent thing in the world? 437 00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:12,561 Well... 438 00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:15,063 Cherokee hair, I guess. 439 00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,606 But what does that have to do with me? 440 00:14:16,731 --> 00:14:18,692 Because now there's new all-natural 441 00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:21,111 Cherokee hair tampons. 442 00:14:21,236 --> 00:14:23,822 A cotton tampon can only hold so much liquid, 443 00:14:23,947 --> 00:14:25,991 other tampons also come up short, 444 00:14:26,116 --> 00:14:28,743 but Cherokee hair has been known for ages 445 00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:30,328 to be strong and powerful. 446 00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:31,830 Each tampon is handwoven 447 00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:33,748 from over 200 strands of Cherokee hair 448 00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:36,251 and then bound together by these decorative native beads. 449 00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:37,919 You were right, Mom. 450 00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:40,213 All-natural Cherokee hair tampons really did the trick. 451 00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:41,381 And when you're done using them, 452 00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:43,174 they make a great toy for Jesse. 453 00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:45,468 Go get it, boy. 454 00:14:45,594 --> 00:14:48,471 [dog growls] 455 00:14:48,597 --> 00:14:50,891 Let the wonders and the mysteries of our people, 456 00:14:51,016 --> 00:14:52,934 like, change the way you think about tampons. 457 00:14:58,315 --> 00:15:00,108 No. No. 458 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,234 Hippies all around me. 459 00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:03,361 Help, mommy! Hippies! 460 00:15:06,907 --> 00:15:08,199 Okay, it's clear. 461 00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:15,540 Okay, me and Butters are gonna go up 462 00:15:15,665 --> 00:15:17,042 and take Cartman's kidney out of him. 463 00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,127 Kenny, you stay here and guard his mom's door with Timmy. 464 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,128 Timmy! - Shh! 465 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,755 [whispering] Timmy! 466 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,048 If she hears him screaming or comes out or anything, 467 00:15:23,173 --> 00:15:24,049 just stall her, alright? 468 00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:25,050 [muffled] Okay. 469 00:15:25,175 --> 00:15:26,301 [whispering] Timmy! 470 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:29,179 Alright, Butters. Let's go. 471 00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:32,307 Uh-oh. Cartman's pig. 472 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,143 Shh, good pig. Good pig. 473 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,978 Good pig. Shh, it's okay. 474 00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:42,317 [pig squeals] 475 00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:43,818 Come on, we got to get out of here! 476 00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:45,195 Oh, no. 477 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,448 Oh, well. We're busted. 478 00:15:48,573 --> 00:15:51,534 [smack] Shut up, fluffy! 479 00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:56,122 Oh, phew. 480 00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:58,667 Hippies. Hippies. 481 00:15:58,792 --> 00:15:59,668 Everywhere. 482 00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,044 They want to save the Earth, 483 00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:02,379 but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad. 484 00:16:02,504 --> 00:16:04,756 Help. 485 00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:05,924 Okay, here we go. 486 00:16:09,678 --> 00:16:11,930 [chuckles] 487 00:16:12,055 --> 00:16:13,515 Okay, let's see, 488 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,267 it looks like if we cut here and here... 489 00:16:16,393 --> 00:16:18,228 I hope it's not too bloody. I'm wearing my favorite pants. 490 00:16:18,353 --> 00:16:19,229 Vein--right, well-- 491 00:16:19,354 --> 00:16:20,230 Well, here goes nothing. 492 00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:23,274 Help me pull his pajamas up. 493 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,027 No way! Kidney blocker 2000? 494 00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:27,028 What, what, what, what? 495 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,279 Oh, Stan and Butters. 496 00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:29,781 Trying to take my kidney, are you? 497 00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:31,074 You suck, Cartman. 498 00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:32,325 Maybe so, but at least I was smart enough 499 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:33,952 to wear a Kidney Blocker 2000. 500 00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:35,620 God damn it, don't you care that Kyle is gonna die? 501 00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:36,705 I do. I do care. 502 00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:38,456 Look how much. 503 00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:40,959 Look. Look how much I care. 504 00:16:42,711 --> 00:16:44,254 First and foremost, Mr. Garrison, 505 00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:46,631 I would like to thank you for choosing Harequin Romance. 506 00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:48,341 Yeah, yeah, yeah. So did you read the book? 507 00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:50,343 Yes, Mr. Garrison. We did read your book. 508 00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:51,553 Well, what did you think? 509 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,763 Well, uh, frankly, Mr. Garrison, 510 00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:56,099 we don't know if the Harequin Romance label 511 00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:57,225 is appropriate for you. 512 00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:59,060 Oh, why not? 513 00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:02,188 Mr. Garrison, are you aware that the word "penis" 514 00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:05,066 occurs 6,083 times in your novel? 515 00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,568 Well, I'm sure there's lots of naughty words. 516 00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,153 It is a romance novel. 517 00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:10,488 No, I don't think that this book really qualifies 518 00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:12,115 as a romance novel. 519 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:13,116 No? 520 00:17:13,241 --> 00:17:14,868 [coughs] No. 521 00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:16,453 No, this is what we in the book publishing business 522 00:17:16,578 --> 00:17:18,204 like to call gay. 523 00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:20,540 Really, really gay. 524 00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:22,042 What the hell are you talking about? 525 00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:23,710 It's just that the focus really seems to be 526 00:17:23,835 --> 00:17:25,420 on the male organs. 527 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,589 Well, I thought it was mostly women that read these things. 528 00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:29,007 It is. 529 00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:31,217 Well, women want to read about ding-dongs! 530 00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:33,053 You think women care about the details of female anatomy? 531 00:17:33,178 --> 00:17:34,679 Hell no! 532 00:17:34,804 --> 00:17:37,599 Women want to read about big powerful schlongs! 533 00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,100 Look, I've seen women read these things. 534 00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,393 They skim along, skim along, 535 00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:42,228 until they get to the part about the penis. 536 00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:45,065 That's what they want, so that's what I'm giving them. 537 00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:46,775 Hmm. 538 00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,610 There's nothing more I can do, Kenny. 539 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,278 I've tried everything to save Kyle. 540 00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,655 Holistic medicine is gonna kill my friend. 541 00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:54,282 [muffled] Nobody seems to care when I die. 542 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,117 My friend is gonna die. 543 00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:57,952 He's gonna die, and there's nothing I can do about it. 544 00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:59,329 [crying] 545 00:17:59,454 --> 00:18:00,497 Oh, God. He's my best friend. 546 00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:01,706 [muffled] Now, that does it! 547 00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:03,708 I have had enough of this bullshit! 548 00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:06,169 Screw you guys. I'm going home. 549 00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:06,920 Look out! 550 00:18:07,045 --> 00:18:08,088 Crash! 551 00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:09,464 Oops. 552 00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:10,924 [sobs] 553 00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:12,258 I'll never see Kyle again. 554 00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:15,428 [sobbing] 555 00:18:15,553 --> 00:18:17,555 Four dozen Cherokee hair tampons, please. 556 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:18,807 No problem, man. 557 00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,683 Pay Miss Information up front. 558 00:18:20,809 --> 00:18:23,061 Hi, uh, I have a little bit of pain in my balls 559 00:18:23,186 --> 00:18:24,395 whenever I watch VH 1. 560 00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:25,605 Oh, here, try this, man. 561 00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:28,650 Uh, this is, uh, all-natural ball juice. 562 00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:30,443 [both chuckle] 563 00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:31,236 Wow, I feel better already. 564 00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:32,946 [both chuckle] 565 00:18:33,071 --> 00:18:37,075 And next, we have Mrs. Broflovski's son. 566 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,369 Okay, here he is. 567 00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:40,912 [chuckles] 568 00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:42,413 Hey, man, that kid looks really sick. 569 00:18:42,539 --> 00:18:45,208 Yes, he really needs his toxins flushed again. 570 00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,502 No, I mean he looks really sick, man. 571 00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,254 You should take him to, like, a doctor. 572 00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:50,880 All: Huh? 573 00:18:51,005 --> 00:18:52,382 But you're more in touch with the Earth. 574 00:18:52,507 --> 00:18:53,675 Look, being in touch with the Earth 575 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,718 has nothing to do with dying, man. 576 00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:57,178 It's okay. 577 00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:58,721 We trust that you know what you're doing. 578 00:18:58,847 --> 00:19:00,598 [groans] 579 00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:02,809 No, man, that kid needs a doctor, 580 00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:04,853 and besides, we're not actually Native Americans. 581 00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:07,063 I mean, I'm more like a-- Mexican. 582 00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,064 All: What? 583 00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:09,774 Yeah. A Mexican. 584 00:19:09,899 --> 00:19:11,151 Oh, I didn't know that! [spitting] 585 00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:12,318 Oh, my God. 586 00:19:12,443 --> 00:19:14,445 [screams] 587 00:19:14,571 --> 00:19:16,197 How dare you deceive us like that? 588 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,366 Hey, we never said we were Native Americans, man. 589 00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,326 Miss Information said that. 590 00:19:20,451 --> 00:19:23,705 Yeah, she said nobody would buy anything from Mexicans. 591 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,916 Uh, toxins are your enemy. 592 00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:27,917 Kill her! 593 00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:31,796 [all shouting] 594 00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:32,797 [both chuckle] 595 00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:34,299 That's funny. 596 00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:36,050 So now can we take Kyle to the hospital? 597 00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:37,719 Yes, of course, but we don't have a kidney donor. 598 00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,179 That's alright. 599 00:19:39,304 --> 00:19:41,014 If you'll all help, I think I have a plan. 600 00:19:41,139 --> 00:19:44,559 [alarm rings] 601 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:47,228 [groans] 602 00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:48,730 [screams] 603 00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:52,400 That son of a bitch! 604 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:53,985 [pounding on door] 605 00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:56,154 Okay, asshole, give me back my kidney. 606 00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:57,697 Dude, please, Kyle needs it. 607 00:19:57,822 --> 00:20:00,283 It's mine. Not yours, mine. 608 00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:02,452 Give it back right now, or there's gonna be hell to pay. 609 00:20:02,577 --> 00:20:05,288 Alright, alright. Here. 610 00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:06,998 Thank you, and you better hope to God 611 00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:10,793 it still works just like it did before. 612 00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:12,921 Doctor, Eric Cartman is here. 613 00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:16,090 Why, hello there, Eric. 614 00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:17,008 You see that? 615 00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,176 That's mine. 616 00:20:18,301 --> 00:20:19,761 My asshole friend, Stan, took my kidney, 617 00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:22,222 and I need it put back in please. 618 00:20:22,347 --> 00:20:24,224 Oh, I see. 619 00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:25,808 Are you sure that now that it's already out 620 00:20:25,934 --> 00:20:27,936 you don't want to just let your friend, Kyle, have it? 621 00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:30,146 No, because it doesn't belong to Kyle. 622 00:20:30,271 --> 00:20:32,398 It belongs to me. It's mine. 623 00:20:32,523 --> 00:20:33,691 Well, alright then. 624 00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:35,026 We'll get you prepped for surgery, 625 00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:36,194 if you'll just sign this release. 626 00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:36,945 Thank you. 627 00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:41,866 How are you feeling, bubbe? 628 00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:42,867 Better. Thanks. 629 00:20:42,992 --> 00:20:44,535 You look a lot better. 630 00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:47,121 Yeah, looks like western medicine really did the trick. 631 00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:48,581 Hey, thanks for going through all that 632 00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:49,666 to save my life, Stan. 633 00:20:49,791 --> 00:20:51,042 Dude, you're my best friend. 634 00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,710 I don't want you to die until I do. 635 00:20:52,835 --> 00:20:55,046 Yeah, hey, man, we're glad you're getting better too. 636 00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:57,173 Hey--hey, what's going on? 637 00:20:57,298 --> 00:20:58,925 Kyle's all better, Cartman, thanks to you. 638 00:20:59,050 --> 00:21:00,134 Huh? - It was all a trick. 639 00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:01,302 Your mom undid the kidney blocker, 640 00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:02,720 and then we put ketchup in your bed 641 00:21:02,845 --> 00:21:04,138 so you'd think we took your kidney. 642 00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:05,306 Yes, but it was all just a trick 643 00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:07,141 to get you to come in and sign this release. 644 00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:08,351 Isn't that funny, sweetie? 645 00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:11,020 Ugh, I am so pissed off! 646 00:21:11,145 --> 00:21:12,605 Oh, here's everybody. 647 00:21:12,730 --> 00:21:14,107 Hey, Mr. Garrison. Where have you been? 648 00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:16,401 Boys, I have an announcement to make. 649 00:21:16,526 --> 00:21:18,403 I'm not gonna be your teacher anymore. 650 00:21:18,528 --> 00:21:20,238 I've become a best-selling author, 651 00:21:20,363 --> 00:21:22,365 and, Kyle, I want you to have a signed copy 652 00:21:22,490 --> 00:21:23,825 as a get-well present. 653 00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:25,660 Oh. Thanks? 654 00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:28,830 I swear I'm gonna kill you guys! 655 00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:30,540 Careful, Cartman. You might pop your stitches. 656 00:21:30,665 --> 00:21:32,041 [both laugh] 657 00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:33,334 What the-- 658 00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:34,502 Oh, good, you got the crappy kidney.