♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ [Mumbling] ♪
♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪♪
Well, here we are, dude, the first day of fourth grade.
Yeah, no more getting pushed around by fourth graders.
Get out my way, you little dorks!
Hey, we're fourth graders now, too.
Yeah, but now we're fifth graders,
you stupid fourth grader, so move it!
Oh, gay, dude!
Dude, we gotta find some third graders to beat up.
Hey, come here. - What?
What grade are you going into? - Third.
Stupid third grader!
Yeah, get out of here!
Ow. - Yeah, that's better.
Y'know, I heard our fourth-grade teacher is some new lady from Denver.
Denver?
Dude, we could walk all over her.
He's right, we have to take a hard stance right now
and establish that we're the dominant ones in this relationship.
Alright, hey, listen up everybody.
We need to stand up to this new teacher and insert ourselves.
Let's all do something radical. - Like what?
Like, how about right at 8:35 we all jump on our desk,
pull down our pants and shout "kiss my ass" all together.
[all]Yeah! - That's perfect.
But when we pull our pants down should we stand frontways or back?
I mean, do we show our behinds or our wieners?
I think showing our asses will be quite sufficient, Butters.
Maybe we could stand like this,
with our wieners poking through the back of our legs, y'know,
give her a nice fruit bowl.
Yeah, or we could just show our asses.
Okay, so it's decided, when the clock hits 8:35
we all stand on our desks, pull down our pants and yell "kiss my ass".
Together we are strong.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, Timmy might need some help pulling his pants down.
We got you covered, Timmy.
Timmy!
Whoa, dude, this is our new classroom!
Look at all this stuff.
Hey, what the hell's with these little half desks?
Dude, look at the walls.
Everything is written in some strange foreign language.
Alright, children, quiet down.
Welcome to the fourth grade.
Holy God, dude.
[Kenny mumbling] Her titties are f--kin' huge!
My name is Ms. Choks-on-dik.
More like, "Ms. Makes-me-sick".
[snickering]
Playtime is over, children, do you understand me?
I don't know how your last teacher behaved,
but this is the fourth grade!
And it is time to go to work!
Heh heh heh-- Kiss my ass!
Oh, weak, you guys, seriously weak.
Well, young man, I hope you have a good explanation for this.
Oh, I'm sure I do.
This is the fourth grade, you need to grow up!
I'm trying.
Now get back to your desk and write a thousand-word essay
on why you feel you need to disrupt my class.
Fantastic, guys.
Now, let us begin our first day exam.
Uh! Uh!
Silence!
What a bitch!
And did you see her lazy eye?
You can't even tell who she's looking at.
You guys are all such pussies!
I can't take it, man!
Writing in cursive, fractions-- I can't do it!
This is it, the end of innocence.
This is the loss of that playful youth all our parents warned us about.
I just didn't think it would come so soon.
Yeah, only now do we realize
how much we all took the third grade for granted. - Huh?
Everything was great in third grade,
And now that it's all over we're starting to see just how special it was.
[touching piano music] ♪ Remember how it used to be in the third grade ♪
♪ We used to laugh and play and cherish each day ♪
♪ In the third grade ♪
♪ We learned wondrous things from our teacher so nice ♪
♪ Sat on marshmallow desks with teddy-bear smiles ♪
♪ The world seemed to all make sense ♪
♪ But that sense seems to slowly fade ♪
♪ After third grade ♪
♪ In third grade we used to write with crayons ♪
♪ We would make sparkly pictures with glitter and glue ♪
♪ We had warm cookies and hearts full of love ♪
♪ And there wasn't a care in the world for me ♪
♪ Or for you ♪
♪ There's not a thing in this life ♪
♪ That I wouldn't trade ♪
♪ Just to go back for one minute ♪
♪ To third grade ♪
[sobbing]
Wow, I had already forgotten how great third grade was.
Oh, sure was.
Wish I was still there.
Hey, that's it-we gotta go back to third grade.
How?
We travel back in time.
Oh, yeah, time travel!
How we gonna do that? Does it hurt?
I don't wanna do it if it hurts.
Or if it makes you get all sticky.
It can't be that bad, people do it on TV all the time.
Yeah, we just have to find somebody who knows how to do it.
What about those two college guys next door to me?
They're always doing science experiments in their basement.
Yeah, if there's a way to travel back in time, those two dorks will know how.
When it comes to time travel theory
there are basically two schools of thought.
The "Spock Theory" is that a slingshot around the sun
could create a wormhole in which time could not escape.
The "LT. Commander Data Theory", however,
is that a magnetic vibration could create a rip in the time-space continuum--
Look, whatever it takes, we just have to get back to third grade.
Time travel is no laughing matter.
Four times the "enterprise" traveled back in time
and four times they almost didn't make it back.
We don't want to make it back, we want to stay there.
Ohh. - So, can you do it?
It's all theoretical, but from a scientific standpoint
the creation of a rip in space-time is possible.
We just need to find an inertia device.
Hey, this kid's electric wheelchair might be just what we need.
Ti-Timmy.
This new fourth-grade teacher is driving me nuts.
What's the problem?
You see, Chef, Ms. Choksondik has very large, uh, honkers
and she doesn't seem to like wearing a bra.
You call that a problem?
That sounds like heaven to me.
No, it's really not as nice as you might imagine, Chef.
Principal Victoria, I would like a word.
Ooh, call the doctor!
My new students are the most misbehaved, illiterate,
brain-dead group of children I've ever come across.
Well, Ms. Choksondik, those children did fairly well in the third grade.
One of them is mentally handicapped for Christ's sake!
Oh, which one?
The one in the wheelchair!
Look, I would like to have a talk with their last year's teacher.
Who was it, Mister, uh, Garrison?
I'm afraid that's impossible.
Nobody's seen Mr. Garrison since the last school year ended.
Why, where did he go?
We... don't like to talk about it.
But I need help reaching these kids!
I have nothing but the highest expectations for them.
And with God as my witness...
Ohh! - Ahh!
I'm going to teach these kids the wonders of the world
so that they can reach the top!
Arhh!
I hope that sometime very soon you will let me in
on what happened to this Mr. Garrison.
And with that I will bid you good day.
Well, sure thing, fine, bye-bye then.
Alright, when we power up the handicapped kid's chair
we'll accelerate at a high rate of speed about 10 feet that way,
then make the required magnetic vibrations.
If the fields are right, it should then create a wormhole
up near the front of the classroom.
You guys don't actually think this is going to work, do you?
Now, when you all see the wormhole,
you guys are gonna have about 4.2 seconds to run through it.
And on the other side, you will find yourself in the exact same spot,
only, one year ago.
Back in the third grade.
Cool. Cool.
I can't wait until the teacher yells at us this time
and we all tell her to suck our balls.
Yeah! - Oh, here she comes.
Alright, children, I hope you all did your homework last night.
Please pass your papers up to the front.
Suck my balls!
Oh, God dammit, you guys, I'm so seriously.
I said, pass your papers to the front.
We didn't do our homework, Ms. Makes-me-sick,
we didn't feel like it.
It's Choksondik, and you are all going to have detention!
Ha, ha, sure right you are, teacher.
I'm afraid we have different plans.
Gentlemen.
Primary fusion initiated.
Molecular grenadine active.
What are you doing?
We're going back in time to the third grade.
Good-bye, teacher, perhaps we shall see you in another year.
Ha ha!
Timmy!!
Timmy!
I didn't think it would work. - Me neither.
Well, well, well, I'd say somebody has some explaining to do.
You're damn right they do!
Dude, Timmy's chair's packed with all that stuff.
We gotta help him!
Yeah, come on.
Children, children, come back here!
[horn honking]
Ahhh!
Timmy, you have to stop.
No! - No?
Look, the system malfunctioned.
If he stops, the nuclear core could break his magnetic field
and the whole chair will blow sky-high.
What?
Timmy, you gotta get off that chair!
No! - No?
We rigged the chair to be sensitive to his weight,
if he gets off the whole thing blows.
So if Timmy drops his speed below five miles an hour the chair blows
and if he gets off the chair blows?
Yep. - My God.
It's been over three hours since the police first showed up on the scene
of a handicap boy's wheelchair set with explosives.
Over here, over here!
The child can't stop or get off the chair without risking explosion,
and so the SWAT team will now attempt to disarm the device.
Timmy!
Closer!
Don't worry, son, just watch your speed and stay still.
Look out, Hanson!
Oh!
Timmy!
Dear Jesus, hang on lady!
Oh my God, what's going on?
Ma'am, be very careful,
that wheelchair is set to explode.
What?! Ahh!!
Oh my God, oh my God!
It's okay, just stay calm and keep the speed above five.
Okay, okay.
Oh my God. - Ti-Timmy.
Okay, I've got the speed at five.
Good.
What's the wheelchair's battery power at?
Oh my God, less than 20 minutes!!
Less than 20 minutes? - Oh, no, what have we done?
What do you think, too forward?
I have had it! - Ahh!
These children are out of control.
I must speak with their last year's teacher, Mr. Garrison.
As we said before, that's impossible.
What in God's name happened to him?
Uh, Ms. Choksondik,
Mr. Garrison had several, uh, emotional issues.
He was a closet homosexual who hated gay people.
When ever someone asked him if he was gay, he'd go nuts.
Then he was accused of trying to solicit sex from a young boy.
After being dismissed from teaching
he went off to write romance novels.
His first novel sold very well and everything was fine
until he found out that his novel won the Gay Pulitzer Prize
and was considered the best homoerotic novel since "Huckleberry Finn".
He finally snapped and had a nervous breakdown
and went up into the mountains to live in solitude.
Some say that on cold nights
you can still hear him moaning,
"I'm not gay, I'm not gay."
[distant yell] I'm not gay!
And nobody has found him?
Well, we haven't really looked.
I see.
Then the only way I'll find the secret to teaching these kids
is to go up into those mountains and find Mr. Garrison myself.
But he could be anywhere up high in those mountains.
Oh, I'll find him.
Even if I have to climb up and up and up--
No!
What?
Oh my God, oh my God!
Tom, I'm standing about two miles outside of Denver
where the darling handicap boy fights for his life
on a wheelchair of death.
Guys, can you tell us what kind of explosives
we're actually dealing with here?
Uh, well, it's a simple hydrogen fusion core
with a veltic reactor.
It just turned into a time bomb.
This has never happened in all the 72 original "Star Trek" episodes.
Yeah-wait, you mean 73 episodes.
No, there were 72.
No there weren't!
Oh, you're such a nerd!
Tom, I understand that now the rescuers are gonna
try and send in one of the handicap boy's little friends
in an attempt to keep him calm and hopefully disarm the device.
It's alright, everything's gonna be fine. - Oh my God!
Alright, young man, when you get underneath that wheelchair
I want you to relay back to me with this walkie-talkie
and then I'll tell you which wires to cross.
Ready? - Let's go!
Go blue!
Hey guys.
Okay-ahh!
Well, who didn't see that coming?
Oh my God, oh my God!
Stay calm, you have to stay calm!
But if we get off the chair it blows up!
No, no, that's only if the boy gets off.
Oh... See ya! - Timmy!
10 seconds, Hanson!
9, 8...
Please help me.
6, 5...
Got it, I think. Up, up!
[electronic beeping]
Timmy!
Hey, it did work.
[crows squawking]
[straining]
Hellooo?
Oh, what am I doing, I'm gonna get myself killed.
Is anyone here?
[hisses]
Mr... Mr. Garrison?
Who are you? What do you want?
I'm the new fourth-grade teacher,
I've come to seek your help.
Please, I don't know how to handle the new fourth graders,
I've tried everything.
I need to know how you taught them.
No, no, I haven't taught in over eight months.
Mr. Garrison, you knew how to reach these kids,
you're my only hope.
Do you know what it is to be a teacher, Ms...
Choksondik.
No I don't, it's a lie!
You see, that's what you get for being a teacher.
You work and you work for the children
and then people start rumors that you're gay
even though you love poontang!
Mr. Garrison, these children are depending on me to give them a future.
I can't do it without your guidance, please help me.
For them, for the future of our children.
200 bucks.
Done.
Dude, you gotta build us another time machine.
Huh? Oh, can't.
What do you mean "can't"?
You made it work, just build another one.
I can't because pizza-face isn't here.
We're not on speaking terms.
We got in a big fight and he moved all his stuff out.
What did you get in a fight about?
There's 73 original "Star Treks",
he keeps saying there's 72!
Oh, Jesus Christ, you've gotta be kidding me.
No, he actually thinks there's 72.
Look, can't you just build us another machine without him?
No, pizza-face took all his equipment home to his mom's.
Now, if you can go over there and get him to admit that he's wrong...
Alright, come on guys.
Man, I can't believe we have to do this while Timmy's already back in time.
Yeah, Timmy's probably back in third grade right now living it up!
[pterodactyl shrieking]
Timmy!
Timmy, ahh!
Alright, let's try it again.
Children, we are now going to do math problems.
But teacher, I don't want to do my math problems.
You will do them or else you'll be in very big trouble.
Well, I'm not goin' to do it, teacher,
You can just suck my balls.
Don't use that kind of language, young man.
No! - No?
Look, you can't counter a profane command with an idle threat.
You must extinguish it with a vulgar suggestion.
When a child says "suck my balls", you say,
"present them".
Oh.
Now, let's try it again.
Suck my balls!
Present them.
Good... Very good.
You're ready to move on to the next level.
But I warn you,
we will now be diving deep into your own psyche.
These children know what scares you
and so, we too must face those demons.
I'm ready, I'm not afraid.
[Yoda-like] You will be, you will be.
[coughs] You will be.
God dammit, this is ridiculous.
What?
Dude, can you please just stop fighting with your friend
and build another machine so we can travel back in time to the third grade?
Look, there aren't 73 episodes of Star Trek, there are 72!
"The Menagerie" was a two-parter that counts as one episode.
Pizza-face is wrong.
Who the hell cares? - I know!
Why does he have to be such a dick about it it?
Won't it be better to just agree with him and just forget the whole thing?
No, because he's wrong!
Look, you guys built a machine together that can bend time.
If you'll just agree with him
you can build another one and usher in a whole new era of science.
And live in a world of 72 original Star Treks? I don't think so.
I don't want to live in that world.
God, these guys are such geek dumb-asses!
I know.
Yeah, they don't even realize that "the menagerie"
originally was the pilot and later got split up into two episodes.
[chuckles]
Those dumb-asses.
Wait a minute, I've got it.
What?
Dude, if you guys build another time machine
you can travel back in time and ask the creator of Star Trek
how many episodes there were!
Dear Jesus, you're right.
This is it, the tree of insight.
You must go in and face what lives inside.
What lives inside?
Hell if I know, I wouldn't go in there.
Alrighty.
Well?
What the-well, there's nothing in here but an exit to the other side.
There's nothing in here at all.
Oh, and I actually thought my mental demons would be in here.
Wait a minute, maybe there's not supposed to be anything in here.
Maybe I'm supposed to see that I alone do have the strength to reach the kids.
I think I get it now.
[sighs]
Hey, hurry up in there!
Jesus, you're taking too long in the damn tree of insight!
You in there?
Hey, where the hell did she go?
What the?
Ahh!
Who-who are you?
I am you, I am your gay side.
My gay side... I don't have a gay side!
You must face me at last.
You aren't real, you can't be.
It is me, your darkest fear, your gay self incarnate.
What do you want?
I want you to not fight me anymore,
to accept me once and for all.
Why? - Don't you see?
All these years, your pain, your confusion--
it comes from one place, your denial of who you are,
of who we are.
But I'm not gay, everyone just thinks I am.
Oh, stop it!
What about the time you looked at
Counselor Mackie's penis in the men's locker room?
I was just comparing size!
For seven minutes? - Ah!
And what about the time you masturbated
to the men's 100-meter swimming relay at the Olympics?
I was beating off to the chicks.
There were no chicks!
Oh, damn you, spirit, haunt me no longer!
Admit it! - No!
You have to stop lying to yourself and get--
Alright, Alright, I admit it.
I'm gay!
I'm... Gay.
I'm gay.
I am gay!
You hear that, everyone? I'm gay, I'm gay!
I'm gay and it-- and it feels good.
Alright, children, I hope you all did your--
What is going on now?
Ha ha, teacher, we're traveling back in time to third grade.
Godammit, you guys, you seriously said this time
you'd stand up and do it with me.
Oh, good gravy, not this again.
Yes, we had a new time machine built,
this one out of a simple microwave oven and a duck. [quacks]
Au revoir, Teacher, perhaps we shall see you in the past, ha ha.
Gentlemen...
Children, I will have order!
I can't wait for Gene Roddenberry to tell you how wrong you are.
Just like when you said there were no two-parters of "Battlestar Galactica".
There weren't!
The episode called "Guys on Ice Planet Zero" was a two-parter!
No, it wasn't!!
Oh, son of a bitch.
I'll kill you!
There it is, come on everybody.
Children, get back into your seats.
No way, lady.
Eric, I mean it.
You can suck my balls.
Present them.
What?
You said, "suck my balls".
Well, go ahead, whip 'em out and I'll suck 'em.
Tha-that's what Mr. Garrison would've said.
Touché, Teacher, touché.
Now, children, listen to me.
Why do you want to go back in time?
Life isn't about going back, it's about going forward.
Yes, there are times in our life that we wish we could relive,
but if we already lived them perfectly, why live them again?
The adventure of life is that there's always something new--
new challenges, new experiences.
A fun game is a game that gets harder as it goes.
So it is with life. Do you understand?
Dude... She's right.
Yeah, and you know,
now that I think about it, third grade wasn't all that great either.
Yeah, third grade sucked!
Cartman, why the hell did you try to make us think third grade was so great?
Yeah, you suck, Cartman.
What?
Alright, students, that will be quite enough.
If you're ready,
let's continue on with the fourth grade.
Dun-dun-duh!
Hey, Timmy's back.
[Stan] Dude, it looks like he's been all over time.
He must have such cool stuff to tell us.
Ih-Timmy.
You know I'm always here to help, Principal Victoria.
Hey, guess what, everybody, I'm gay!
Mr. Garrison? - What?
I'm as gay as a gymnast on shore leave!
You admit it? You admit it!
Oh, that's great, Mr. Garrison,
you've finally come to terms with yourself.
Yeah, it feels really good.
Well, congratulations.
Yeah, congratulations.
You know, I feel like I can start anew.
If it's alright with you, I will like to go back
to teaching the third grade!
Oh, I'm sorry, we don't hire gay people.
[laughing]