[Antonio Vivaldi's "Four Seasons: Spring" plays]
[British accent] Ahh...Dickens.
The imagery of cobblestone streets,
craggy London buildings,
and nutmeg-filled Yorkshire puddings.
Hello, I'm a British person.
For years now, the character Pip has been featured prominently
in the American show South Park.
However, many Americans don't realize where Pip came from.
He's the prowling, adorable little Englishman
from Charles Dickens' timeless classic
Great Expectations.
And so, tonight, the makers of South Park
have agreed to take a break from their regular show
and instead present the prestigious Dickens tale
in its entirety from beginning to end.
Indeed, after watching this show,
you'll know the timeless classic
as if you'd read the cliffsnotes themselves.
Our story is set in England,
in the small town of Draffordshire-upon-Topsmart,
where a young blond-haired boy named Pip
was on his way to see his parents.
'Ello, Mum. 'Ello, Dad.
It certainly is nice to see you again.
Don't worry. Sister is still taking very good care of me.
She just loves to smack me in the face
and tell me I'm worthless.
Oh, we have such fun together!
Well, it's getting dark, Mum and Dad.
I'll see you again soon.
Wha-- Wha-- you little Wiversham?
Oh, hello. Why, you look like an escaped convict.
Did we breakie-wakies out of prison?
Oh, dear, but you're shackled.
Here, let me help you.
What are you doing with those?
I'm an apprentice blacksmith. There you are.
And here's a sandwich. You must be starving.
Why are you so easy to help me?
It's not for me to judge you, sir.
We are all the same.
Don't quite all smell the same, though, I'm afraid.
[rhythmic clanging]
Pip, where have you been?!
Wha--
Lovely day, isn't it?
What the hell's lovely about it?!
Joe, teach this boy some bloody cynicism!
Oh, I don't know about that.
I just like to keep to me blacksmithing.
Hey, look -I've made me a metal fire poker.
A lot of bloody good a fire poker's gonna do
when I'm starving to death!
Why don't you make us some bloody food to eat?!
Alright, look here-- I made me a metal orange.
Stuff your metal orange, you bastard!
You're not worth a tablespoon of nightingale droppings,
you metal-pounding fairy!
And you -why don't you get a job?! You're 8 years old now!
Oh, lookee here -I've gone and made a metal newspaper.
Shut up, you silly nit!
What the hell are we supposed to do
with a metal newspaper?!
Well, for starters, we can look in the want ads
and see if we can find Pip a job.
Oh, look here!
"Young man wanted for paid position."
Where? - Where?
"Havesham residence seeks young boy
"to play with lonely daughter.
"Will pay up to...
20 quid a day?!"
That's a lot of money-woney.
You can keep a little girl company
for 20 quid a day, Pip.
And old Mrs. Havesham is the wealthiest woman in the town!
British person: Well, the very next day,
Pip went to old Miss Havesham's house to inquire about the job,
and it was there that he met the girl of his dreams.
Who are you?
I've come to answer the want ad.
Is that so, you smelly little bastard?
What?! - This way, you pathetic squirt.
This way, you beef-witted, shriveled-up monkey's penis.
Up here, you gamy mass of baby vomit.
In here.
Oh, after you, miss.
I'm not going in there,
you stupid puddle of a homeless man's urine.
Who is that?
I've come to answer the want ad, ma'am.
Come closer. Look at me.
Does it frighten you to look upon a woman
who has not seen the sun in over 20 years?
Oh, no, no! You sort of look upon women
who have not seen the sun for over 20 years
quite a lot these days.
I sometimes have sick fancies,
and I have a fancy I should like to see someone play.
So, play.
Play.
Um...
Estella, play with this boy.
With him?
But he's just a commoner!
But you can break his heart.
Alright, boy, let us play.
Righty-o. What are we going to play?
We are going to play a little game called
"smack the blond boy in the head with a large log."
Yes! My sister and I play that game all the time!
Who will go first?
Oh, you stupid, pathetic boy!
What do you think of her?
Well, I -I think she's very pretty.
Hmm. What else?
I think she's rather insulting.
You quite fancy her, don't you?
Come back again next week. We shall play some more.
British Person: That night, Pip spent all his sleeping hours
unable to get Estella's beautiful face out of his mind.
Stop dreaming about me, you slow-witted rectal belch.
Day after day, Pip visited Estella.
Sometimes they would play. Sometimes they would talk.
But every single day, Pip's love for Estella grew.
Don't you want to play anymore?
Boy, do you still think I'm pretty?
Oh, well... yes, miss.
And do you still think I'm insulting?
Oh, um... not so much as before.
Ow! - I hate you!
You're an oozing, painful hemorrhoid that belches pus.
Oh, dear. - You can kiss me if you like.
Come, let us walk in the daisy garden.
Oh, what fun it is to splash about in a fountain!
You there, the prowling little boy.
I bet you can't jump on my back.
Go on, then. Try and jump on my back.
Who is that?
Just another playmate hired to amuse me.
You didn't think you were the only one, did you?
Oh, I rather thought I was.
Oh, you silly, small-testicled boy.
Come, let us walk through the rose garden.
Yes, good.
She will break his pathetic heart into a million pieces.
Well, what a spot poor Pip was in!
He was hired to be the friend
of the very harsh and beautiful Estella.
And although she treated him like dirt--
or perhaps because she treated him like dirt--
Pip found himself more in love with the little girl
each and every day.
Oh, bless him! Isn't he lovely?
But isn't it sad?
Because Pip knew that someone
as sophistated and as wealthy as Estella
could never love him,
for he was just a simple blacksmith's apprentice.
[hammering]
And so you bang on this side,
a bang on that side,
and there you have it-- your very own metal fuzzy dice.
Yes, I see.
Ha ha. Lovely.
Eh, what's all this, Pip?
Joe, do you know anything about girls?
Sure!
They're those things with vaginas in them.
But do you know anything about them,
about how they work?
Oh, I don't know about that.
I just like to keep to me blacksmithing.
Do you think that a girl who's rich and educated
would ever want to be with a blacksmith?
Oh.
Oh... No, I don't think so, Pip.
[knock on door] Who could that be?
Joe the blacksmith? - The same.
I'm a lawyer from London
in search of a young lad named Pip.
I'm Pip, sir.
I've been sent to offer you
a reasonable sum of money in exchange for your apprentice.
Oh, well, Pip's not for sale, sir.
I have a client
who wishes to give this bright child a future.
Anything he desires. Do you still object?
Heaven forbid I should stand in the way
of Pip's future, but--
He will one day inherit a handsome property,
but the owner of that property
wants him first to travel to London
and learn to be a gentleman.
That's great news!
There's only one condition, Pip--
your benefactor wishes to remain anonymous.
Oh it must be Miss Havesham. - Uh-uh!
If you have any suspicion of who that person might be,
you're to keep it in your own breast, understood?
Yes, sir. - Then you will go to London in a week's time.
Here's 20 sovereigns.
Well, Blacksmith, you look stunned.
I am, sir. - Then I shall take my leave.
Good evening, gentlemen,
and we shall see you in London next week, Pip.
Goodbye, sir.
Pip, a young gentleman...
of great expectations!
[bell tolling]
You shall stay here with your roommate, Mr. Pocket.
He is a distinguished young lad
who will help you on your way to being a gentleman.
I trust you see no problem with this?
None, sir. I should think not.
On up, then, and prepare for school on the morrow.
Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!
Mr. Pip. - Mr. Pocket?
Pray, come in!
Thank you kindly. You look rather familiar.
As do you. Perhaps we've seen each other before.
As to our lodging, it's not splendid.
This is our sitting room-- chairs and tables and carpet.
This is my little bedroom-- rather musty.
And this is your bedroom.
My, how lovely.
What a gay time we shall have!
Gay as in festive, not as in penetration of the bum.
You're holding your bags all this time!
Let me take them! I'm quite ashamed!
Oh, it's quite alright. Lord bless me!
You're the gentleman I saw in Miss Havesham's house!
Yes, of course! You're the prowling little boy!
What a smashing coincidence!
Perhaps, but perhaps not.
Miss Havesham is very generous indeed.
That old biddy -I have nothing to do with her anymore.
She's absolutely mad. - What do you mean?
Don't you know about Miss Havesham's melancholy past?
It's quite a story and shall be discussed over dinner.
Time for a smashing meal and the story of Miss Havesham.
Pocket, may I ask you a favor?
I am desperately trying to become a gentleman
for the love of a certain girl.
Will you tell me if I do something wrong at the table?
You'll do fine, dear fellow. Now, on to Miss Havesham.
She was raised by a wealthy father
and grew up to be a spoiled brat.
I might mention that, in London, it is not the custom
to put the knife in the mouth.
Oh, dear, I'm terribly sorry. - Not at all, I'm sure!
Miss Havesham grew up to be a lovely young lady, and soon a man came along,
which gets me to the cruel part of the story--
Merely breaking off to remark that a dinner napkin
should never be placed into the tumbler.
Sorry, sorry. - Not at all, I'm sure!
This man pursued Miss Havesham closely
and professed to be devoted to her.
She passionately loved him back.
The marriage day was fixed, the wedding dresses bought,
the wedding guests invited, and finally the day came.
But not the groom. - [farts]
I break from the tale only to mention
that one should never pass gas at the table.
Oh, excuse me. - Not at all, I'm sure!
The groom never showed.
He simply wrote a letter that Miss Havesham received
20 minutes before the wedding.
At half 9:00-- the time when she stopped
all the clocks in the house.
She laid waste to the house, as you have seen it,
and has never since looked upon the light of day.
The story ends, Pip, with me suggesting
that one should never pull out their wee-wee
and check it for scabs whilst at the table.
Terribly sorry, Pocket. - Not at all, I'm sure!
British Person: and so Pip spent the next several months
learning how to be a gentleman.
He was schooled in several languages,
he was taught fencing and marksmanship,
and he was shown how to dance and how to eat box.
And after it all, after weeks and weeks of intense schooling,
Pip was finally a full-fledged gentleman.
Proud of himself, Pip decided to pay Miss Havesham a visit
to thank her for her generosity
and to see if he was indeed now good enough for Estella.
Good evening, Miss Havesham. - Come closer, Pip.
My, you're quite the gentleman now, aren't you?
Thanks to you. - Perhaps.
Estella's been off to school as well.
She's become quite the lady.
Would you like to see a picture of her?
Oh, my, she is even prettier than before.
Oh, you love her, don't you, Pip?
I don't know. I mean, I think about her every day.
Do you know what love is, Pip?
It is blind devotion,
unquestioning self-humiliation, utter submission,
trust and belief against yourself
and against the whole world,
giving up your whole heart and soul to Smiter.
Righto. - Love her, Pip.
I developed her into what she is
so that she might... be loved.
Yes, but... Where will I find her?
There's a dance at the palace tomorrow night.
Estella will be there.
Go and seek her out. And love her -love her!
Thank you, Miss Havesham, for everything!
I'm the happiest boy in the land!
And if she wounds you, love her,
if she tears your heart into pieces--
and as you get older, it will tear deeper--
love her!
Yes, our young Pip had come a long way,
from the apprentice of a blacksmith
to a fine young gentleman of great expectations.
And now he was to finally see his beloved Estella again
at a grand ball held by the King of England, Tony Blair.
It was here that Pip would finally and formally ask Estella
to be his girlfriend,
and all would be right with the world.
[chamber music plays]
Hello! Estella?
Pip! My goodness, how you've changed.
Yes, I've become a gentleman.
May I?
I suppose.
So, how is it that you've learned to dress and dance?
Well, I was sent to be schooled in London.
I see. And you no longer live with the blacksmith?
Oh, I see Joe once in a while,
but I don't have much in common with him anymore
a gentleman and all. - Naturally.
It is wonderful to see you again, Estella.
Is it? Why?
Because I believe I'm in love with you.
Pip, you must know that I have no heart.
I think you do.
Oh, I have a heart to be shot or stabbed in, no doubt,
and if it ceased to beat, I should cease to be.
But you know what I mean.
I have no softness there, no sympathy, sentiment.
I see past that, Estella.
I see a little girl who wants to be warm and kind.
Hey, Estella, let's get out of here.
Alright, Steve. Just one moment.
Who -who is that?
That is Steve. He is 17 and has a car.
I see. And you fancy this Steve fellow?
I should-- he's my boyfriend.
Boyfriend! - What's the matter, Pip?
I don't understand. I did everything right.
I stopped being a poor commoner.
I even blew off my loving Joe!
It's -it's the way it goes sometimes, Pip.
He's 17 and has a car.
I'm -I'm very...
I'm...leaving.
[lightning crashes]
Miss Havesham, you have to talk to Estella.
She's going out with a--
Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr. Pip.
Miss Havesham. But I--
Don't they make a handsome couple, Pip?
Look at the way he holds her hand.
But I don't understand.
You sent me away to become a gentleman
so that I could be with Estella.
Things aren't always what they seem, Pip.
Oh, what's the matter?
Did she...break your heart?
Well, I suppose that if you set out to break my heart,
you did a very good job of it...
Because it certainly does hurt.
Yes, tell me about the pain.
Tell me about the crushing and the prickly things.
It's as if someone has ahold of my heart
and is squeezing it very tightly.
Yes! And it is somewhat difficult to breathe.
Hey, wait a second!
You mean this whole thing was just a setup by your mom?
Is your heart broken as well? Tell me all about it.
But why do you make your daughter hurt people?
Why? Well, that's simple.
Because I need the tears of broken hearted men
to use in my Genesis device.
You see, my foolish child, I am growing very old.
But tonight I will fuse my soul into Estella's once and for all,
and then I can go on breaking men's hearts
for another generation.
What the hell?!
Estella, prepare yourself for the Genesis platform.
Oh, no, you don't!
You're my girl, and I'm not letting you walk out on me!
What the--
And as for you, Pip,
my robot monkeys should take care of you!
[robot monkeys screeching] Aah!
Ah!
Pip?
Pip, old chap? - Joe?
That's right. You're safe and warm now.
Joe found you lying facedown in the street, Mr. Pip.
You were in a state. You've been unconscious for nearly three hours.
Miss Havesham has all the men
who have had their hearts broken by Estella in her house!
Why would she have wasted all that time
sending me to school and turning me into a gentleman?!
Well, about that, Pip...
There's another person who wants to see you.
'Ello, Pip. You remember me?
I'll rip off your arms and shove 'em up your arse!
Why, you're the escaped convict I helped a long time ago.
Yes. After you helped me,
I moved to Wales and made something of myself.
If it weren't for you,
I'd have never become a millionaire.
He's the one that sent you to London, Pip.
He's the one that sent you off to be a gentleman.
You? But why?
Because back then you treated me like any other person.
You weren't a snob,
and you helped me like you would a rich man.
Oh, dear. All this time I thought it was Miss Havesham.
She totally let me believe it.
I tried to tell you.
She's a vengeful woman who wanted nothing more
than to see you hurt along with the rest of the male sex.
Well, I've certainly learned a lot--
that being a gentleman doesn't mean learning to dance
or proper table manners.
It means being a gentle man, gentle to everyone.
Righto, Pip. Righto.
And now I suppose there's only one thing left to do.
What's that, Pip?
If Miss Havesham is determined to do this to others...
Let's go kick her ass!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
And now we come to the final act of the Dickens classic tale
in which the stage is set for an epic showdown.
Miss havesham's robot monkeys prove a formidable foe,
but Pip is not about to let Estella's soul
be forever consumed by the Genesis device.
And now the thrilling conclusion of "Great Expectations."
Are you ready, Estella?
Are you ready to complete the cycle?
Yes, mother.
Not so fast, you ugly, ancient bitch!
Pip?
Your man-hating days are over, Havesham!
Quite the contrary, Blacksmith.
My revenge on the male race is only about to begin.
Dear God, Pip. Look!
Estella, help me! I'm your boyfriend!
So am I. And me.
We were all Estella's boyfriends
at one time or another, and now we're doomed.
Yes, cry away, males.
Once your tears have collected into the Genesis device,
the fusion of Estella and me will be complete.
You won't get away with this!
Won't I?
[screeching]
Let the transformation begin.
Pip, she started the device!
[crying]
Pocket, get over there and do whatever it takes
to keep those blokes from crying.
Righto, Pip.
It begins.
Come, Estella. You can't want to be part of this!
It is... what I was raised for.
Hello, gentlemen.
Whatever you do, please do not cry.
Havesham's device fuels itself on your tears, I'm afraid.
How are we not to cry?
Our hearts have been broken, our lives ruined,
and now we are set to die.
Yes, but just think about... panda bears!
Oh, they're so cuddly and sweet, panda bears are.
What silly little noses they have!
Panda bears make me sad. They're almost extinct.
Oh, right, right. Let's not think about panda bears, then.
Let's think about...swimming!
Oh, what jolly fun swimming is,
with a splishy-splash and a hold-your-breath-tight!
Yes.
Get out of that chair, you old cow!
[hawks]
[gurgles]
Estella, listen to me.
You are a wonderful girl with a kind heart.
I told you, Pip, I have no heart.
But you do! And I shall prove it to you once and for all.
[screeching]
Look at this adorable little bunny.
Oh, my. He's very cute.
You see? A heartless person wouldn't care about this bunny.
They'd just as soon break its neck.
[crack, bunny squeaks]
Oh. But look at this bunny.
There. You see that?
You have too big a heart to kill two baby bunnies.
[crack, bunny squeaks]
Right.
Oh, what fun it is to collect stamps!
Lick the backs, put them into books--
all tidy with their smashing pictures and bright colors!
My father died in a stamp-collecting accident.
Right, let's not talk about stamp collecting, then.
Let's talk about...
ice skating!
Oh, what fun ice skating is! Who can catch me?
Who can catch the ice-skating king? That's me!
I can't fight 'em off no more!
A person with a heart could never kill nine baby bunnies.
So you do have too big a heart to--
[crack, bunny squeaks]
10 baby bunnies.
There's too many of 'em!
[crying] Oh, please, sirs, you must not cry.
We can't help it. You're boring us to tears!
Pip, it's too late!
26 baby bunnies.
I don't want to. I don't see the point in this.
What? - I don't want to kill any more of them.
There! You see?! You do have a heart!
You think so? Let me see it. Maybe I can kill it.
No, no, I'm sure of it. You have a heart.
You want your own life. Come with me now!
Yes...
No-o-o!
Aaah!
Ooh, top smart, Pip!
You did it, Pip!
Well, I guess old Miss Havesham won't be taking any revenge
on any more blokes, eh?
Yes, her poor, miserable life is finally over.
You're released from her now, Estella.
Now we can begin our life together.
Yes. Yes, my small-testicled love.
Oh, I'm so glad everything has worked out.
Where are all my little bunnies
that you borrowed, then, Pip?
And they all lived happily ever after.
Except for Pocket, who died of Hepatitis B.
So ends Charles Dickens' "Great Expectations."
We hope you now have a deeper appreciation for Pip,
and, indeed, all masterpieces of literature like this one.
Until next time, I'm a British person.
Good night.
[Antonio Vivaldi's "Four Seasons: Spring" plays]