1
00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:10,469
♪ I'm going down
to South Park ♪
2
00:00:10,594 --> 00:00:12,513
♪ Gonna have
myself a time ♪
3
00:00:12,638 --> 00:00:14,140
Both: ♪ Friendly faces
everywhere ♪
4
00:00:14,265 --> 00:00:15,975
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
5
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:17,143
♪ I'm going down
to South Park ♪
6
00:00:17,268 --> 00:00:19,186
♪ Gonna leave
my woes behind ♪
7
00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:20,896
♪ Ample parking
day or night ♪
8
00:00:21,022 --> 00:00:22,565
♪ People spouting
"howdy neighbor" ♪
9
00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:23,983
♪ Headin' on up
to South Park ♪
10
00:00:24,108 --> 00:00:24,942
♪ Gonna see
if I can't unwind ♪
11
00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:25,943
Westside.
12
00:00:26,068 --> 00:00:29,030
♪ [muffled] ♪
13
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♪ Come on down
to South Park ♪
14
00:00:30,448 --> 00:00:31,991
♪ And meet
some friends of mine ♪
15
00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,327
And so it is
with heavy hearts
16
00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:38,497
that we say good bye
to Mabel Louise Cartman.
17
00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:41,042
She was a good woman,
a community leader,
18
00:00:41,167 --> 00:00:44,420
a caring wife,
providing mother,
19
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and a loving
grandmother.
20
00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:49,175
Mom, it's 3:30.
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This is taking up
my whole Saturday.
22
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Shh, pumpkin,
it's almost over.
23
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Why couldn't the funeral
have been on a school day?
24
00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:56,432
And now let us bow our heads
in a moment of silence
25
00:00:56,557 --> 00:01:00,144
and reflect on how
Mabel touched our lives.
26
00:01:00,269 --> 00:01:02,229
God, she didn't take
this long to die.
27
00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:05,107
And now we release the doves
to symbolize the Lord
28
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,859
taking Mabel into his arms
29
00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:08,444
and giving her
everlasting peace.
30
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Peace.
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Great.
Now can we go?
32
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No, sweetie, we have to tend
to some of grandma's business.
33
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Ohh!
God damn it!
34
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"And so I leave
my stocks and bonds
35
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"worth an estimated $14.12
36
00:01:28,214 --> 00:01:29,965
to be divided amongst
my loving family."
37
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Mom, I wanna go home!
38
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In a minute, sweetie.
This is important.
39
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"My loving son Stinky, I leave
you the house in Nebraska.
40
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Look after it as
your father and I did."
41
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Blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.
42
00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:42,061
"To my grandson Eric,
43
00:01:42,186 --> 00:01:44,396
"you were always my favorite
fat little man,
44
00:01:44,522 --> 00:01:46,357
my perfect round little
pudding piler."
45
00:01:46,482 --> 00:01:47,525
Oh God, you have to
embarrass me
46
00:01:47,650 --> 00:01:48,526
even in death, Grandma.
47
00:01:48,651 --> 00:01:50,444
"For you, Eric, I leave,
48
00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:54,115
"from my life savings,
the sum of $1 million,
49
00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:55,407
to be transferred
to you immediately."
50
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Whosa-jigga-what?
51
00:01:57,535 --> 00:01:59,120
A million dollars?
52
00:01:59,245 --> 00:02:01,288
"Eric is the primary
benefactor of my estate,
53
00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:03,040
"since it is likely
the rest of you
54
00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:04,083
would spend the money
on crack."
55
00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:06,001
Oh, my.
- That can't be!
56
00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:07,169
Excuse me.
57
00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:10,548
Does this mean I have
$1 million?
58
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Yes, Eric, it's yours.
59
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,801
No way.
You don't understand.
60
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Since I was two years old,
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00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:17,388
it has been my dream
to have $1 million.
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00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:19,431
And now you do.
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00:02:19,557 --> 00:02:21,976
Oh.
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00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:24,812
[screaming]
65
00:02:28,566 --> 00:02:31,277
[screaming continues]
66
00:02:33,571 --> 00:02:35,447
There you are,
Jennifer Lopez!
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00:02:35,573 --> 00:02:37,283
You've been most
uncooperative, Miss Lopez.
68
00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:38,909
No, please!
69
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,494
I promise I'll never make
another album or movie.
70
00:02:40,619 --> 00:02:41,954
It's too late
for that, Miss Lopez.
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00:02:42,079 --> 00:02:42,872
Have mercy!
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00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:47,293
Pop!
73
00:02:47,418 --> 00:02:49,086
Yeah-ha!
- Awesome!
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00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:54,175
You guys, you guys!
[mumbling]
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00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:55,885
Why?
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00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:59,555
Because!
[mumbling]
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Nuh-uh.
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00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:02,850
No, swear to God,
it's true...
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00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:05,060
You better not
be lying, Kenny.
80
00:03:07,021 --> 00:03:11,775
999,400...
999,500...
81
00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:13,360
Damn, Dan, I've never
seen that much cash.
82
00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,904
Me neither.
83
00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:18,949
999,900...
1 million.
84
00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:21,202
Look at it.
Look at it, Mother.
85
00:03:21,327 --> 00:03:22,494
See how the light reflects
86
00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:24,288
the spearmint green
from its surface.
87
00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:25,915
Eric, that is
a lot of money.
88
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:27,374
Don't you think you
should keep it in the bank
89
00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:29,126
instead of at your house?
90
00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:30,294
I'm not keeping it,
Mr. Garrison.
91
00:03:30,419 --> 00:03:32,087
I'm spending it.
- On what?
92
00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:33,172
On my dream,
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00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:34,548
on the one thing
that I've wanted
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00:03:34,673 --> 00:03:36,258
ever since I can remember.
95
00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,514
Excuse me, son.
I'm an investment broker.
96
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:43,974
I can help you
invest that money.
97
00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:45,476
Nuh-uh,
I'm spending it.
98
00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:48,479
Eric, God could sure use that
money for a bigger church.
99
00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:51,106
I think God has
plenty of money.
100
00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:52,858
What the hell
are you doing, fat-ass?
101
00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:55,444
Not much, just taking
my $1 million out of the bank.
102
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,363
Oh, my God.
103
00:03:57,488 --> 00:03:59,198
Kenny wasn't lying.
104
00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:01,367
Would you mind stepping aside?
I've got a purchase to make.
105
00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:03,118
Dude, can you loan me
20 bucks for a new jacket?
106
00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:05,496
Ha! If you need money,
you can get a job, Stan!
107
00:04:05,621 --> 00:04:07,957
No freeloaders are gonna take
my hard-earned cash.
108
00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:09,458
Your grandma left it to you.
You didn't earn it!
109
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,252
Didn't earn it?
110
00:04:11,377 --> 00:04:13,087
What about all the years I spent
making grandma like me,
111
00:04:13,212 --> 00:04:15,130
all the wet, spit-filled
kisses I put up with,
112
00:04:15,256 --> 00:04:17,216
the constant smell
of aspirin and pee?
113
00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:19,051
Don't tell me I didn't earn it,
you son of a bitch!
114
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No, no,
this is impossible.
115
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:25,182
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
116
00:04:25,307 --> 00:04:27,142
No, I mean this
isn't impossible, Stan.
117
00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:28,936
Cartman is the biggest
asshole in the world.
118
00:04:29,061 --> 00:04:30,854
How is it that God gives him
a million dollars?
119
00:04:30,980 --> 00:04:33,065
Come on, we got to see what
Cartman is doing with his money.
120
00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:34,441
Why?
How could you do this?
121
00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,235
There are people
starving in Alabama,
122
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,320
and you give Cartman
a million dollars?
123
00:04:40,698 --> 00:04:43,826
And if we can just get you
to sign here and here.
124
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,411
You're sure this is what
you want, sweetie?
125
00:04:45,536 --> 00:04:47,579
My own amusement park,
Mother, I'm sure.
126
00:04:47,705 --> 00:04:49,790
And now you just
sign here, Mr. Foon.
127
00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:53,085
I can't do it.
128
00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:54,378
What?
- What?
129
00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:57,089
I can't sell
this poor kid my park.
130
00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,174
Look, I haven't been
honest with you.
131
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:01,135
The park hasn't been
doing great business.
132
00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:03,095
Frank, shh.
- It ain't right, Chris.
133
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:05,097
The truth is, the park
is a financial flop.
134
00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:06,432
I haven't turned
a profit in years
135
00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:08,142
because I can't keep
attendance up.
136
00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:10,102
Oh, but I'm not buying
the park to get people to come.
137
00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:11,854
You--you're not?
138
00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,105
No, no, no.
139
00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:16,108
I'm buying it
to keep people out!
140
00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:17,860
Don't you see?
141
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,945
Forever it has been my dream
to have my very own theme park
142
00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:22,823
so that I could be alone in it
all day, every day.
143
00:05:22,948 --> 00:05:25,826
I love theme parks,
but the lines...
144
00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:27,453
Everywhere you go--
people, crowds.
145
00:05:27,578 --> 00:05:28,954
The rides are great,
146
00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:31,040
but all the lines,
lines, lines!
147
00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:32,958
If there's
one thing I hate,
148
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:38,297
all the lines, lines,
lines, lines!
149
00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:40,299
And then there get to be
so many people
150
00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:41,967
that they make "fast pass."
151
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:44,136
So then there's lines
for fast pass.
152
00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:47,097
You stand in line to get a
ticket to stand in line later.
153
00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:48,432
Then there's lines
for the bathrooms,
154
00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:49,516
lines for the drinks,
155
00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:51,018
lines for kartankulas
156
00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:53,729
and rare kartankula plinks.
157
00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:58,859
And so you see,
this park is for me.
158
00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:00,986
Nobody else
will be allowed in.
159
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:03,322
Oh, well, then I guess
I don't feel bad.
160
00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:06,450
Mr. Cartman, congratulations.
The theme park is yours.
161
00:06:06,575 --> 00:06:08,994
Gentlemen, I thank you.
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00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:12,581
Kyle?
163
00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:16,502
Dude, what are you
doing here?
164
00:06:16,627 --> 00:06:18,253
Everybody's
looking for you.
165
00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:19,963
Kyle?
166
00:06:20,089 --> 00:06:21,882
Do you know what happened
to me this morning, Stan?
167
00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:25,302
This morning I woke up
and felt a sharp pain in my ass.
168
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:28,222
I felt down there and found
this big, sore lump...
169
00:06:28,347 --> 00:06:30,307
On my ass, Stan.
170
00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:32,142
I couldn't even
sit down, so...
171
00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:34,395
I had to tell my mother,
which was humiliating.
172
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:37,106
She took me to the doctor,
which was more humiliating,
173
00:06:37,231 --> 00:06:40,776
and he told me...
I have a hemorrhoid.
174
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,278
It's like an infected
blood vessel on your ass.
175
00:06:43,404 --> 00:06:46,490
I'm nine years old,
and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan.
176
00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:47,908
I have a hemorrhoid,
177
00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:51,245
and Cartman has
his own theme park.
178
00:06:51,370 --> 00:06:53,497
Kyle, I understand
what you mean, but--
179
00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,290
Do you?
Do you, Stan?
180
00:06:55,416 --> 00:06:57,835
Because all my life I was
raised to believe in Jehovah,
181
00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,545
to believe that we should all
behave a certain way
182
00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:01,088
and good things
will come to us.
183
00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:03,257
I make mistakes, but every week
I try to better myself.
184
00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:05,884
I'm always saying, "you know,
I learned something today."
185
00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:07,469
And what does this so-called
God give me in return?
186
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,263
A hemorrhoid.
187
00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:11,140
It doesn't make sense.
What is your logic?
188
00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,975
Ow.
189
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,060
Look, Cartman, he thinks
he's gonna be happy
190
00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,395
because he has his own
amusement park,
191
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,397
but he's gonna find out
that without other people,
192
00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:20,107
the rides are
totally lame.
193
00:07:20,232 --> 00:07:22,025
I mean, who could really
have fun by themselves
194
00:07:22,151 --> 00:07:23,318
at a theme park?
195
00:07:23,444 --> 00:07:24,820
I'll bet he's
sick of it already.
196
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:28,407
Yes! Yes!
197
00:07:28,532 --> 00:07:31,493
Awesome!
198
00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,036
Ho! Ho!
199
00:07:33,162 --> 00:07:36,290
Sweet, yes!
200
00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:38,292
Keep your arms and legs
inside the vehicle at all times.
201
00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:39,751
Make sure your seat belt
is fastened.
202
00:07:39,877 --> 00:07:41,837
Enjoy the mine shaft!
203
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,465
Heh, heh, heh-heh.
204
00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:48,051
Yes! Yes!
205
00:07:48,177 --> 00:07:51,805
Oh, cool!
206
00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:53,056
Oh, look how much
fun I had.
207
00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:56,435
Whoa!
Heh, heh, heh.
208
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,562
Waa!
Heh, heh.
209
00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,439
Whoa!
Heh, heh, heh.
210
00:08:00,564 --> 00:08:04,776
Ooh, Adventure Island.
Check it out. Awesome!
211
00:08:04,902 --> 00:08:08,238
Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
212
00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:11,783
[crying]
I'm so happy.
213
00:08:11,909 --> 00:08:15,037
I'm so happy!
214
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,209
Oh, hey, dude,
Terrance & Phillip
215
00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:21,627
is just about to start.
216
00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:22,211
Great.
- What's that?
217
00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:24,004
it's my seat ring.
218
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,631
I have to sit on it
because of my hemorrhoid.
219
00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,049
Ow.
- Heh, heh. Sorry.
220
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,967
So how are things going
at Cartman's theme park?
221
00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:30,511
Dude,
just forget about it.
222
00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:31,720
We can't let him
get to us, or he wins.
223
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,055
I guess you're right.
224
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,682
Hey, everybody check out
the all-new Cartmanland!
225
00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,476
It's our Grand Opening!
226
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:39,645
Cartmanland has over
100 fabulous rides,
227
00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:42,439
six roller coasters,
and tons of great surprises.
228
00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:45,567
And the best part is,
you can't come!
229
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,569
That's right,
because at Cartmanland,
230
00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:49,947
Only I, Eric Cartman,
can get in.
231
00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:52,533
That means only I can ride
the all-new Tornado Twister,
232
00:08:52,658 --> 00:08:55,202
a roller coaster that splashes
into water--wow!
233
00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:57,579
It's the greatest amusement park
in the Colorado area.
234
00:08:57,704 --> 00:09:00,249
And nobody can go,
especially Stan and Kyle!
235
00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:01,750
Ha, ha, ha!
236
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,627
So come on down
to Cartmanland now,
237
00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,087
but don't plan on getting
past the parking lot,
238
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,047
'Cause remember:
239
00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:09,591
♪ So much to do at Cartmanland
but you can't come ♪
240
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,760
Especially you,
Stan and Kyle.
241
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:12,928
That does it!
Come on, dude.
242
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,596
Where are we going?
243
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:15,973
We're getting into
that fat-ass's park,
244
00:09:16,098 --> 00:09:16,848
whether he likes it
or not.
245
00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:21,228
Whoa!
Heh, heh.
246
00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:22,604
Whoa.
247
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,064
Whoa!
Heh, heh, heh.
248
00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:25,983
Oh, man,
that was awesome!
249
00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:28,151
That one part with the spider
that dropped on you--
250
00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:29,945
oh, man, that totally got me;
that was sweet.
251
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:33,282
Help! Help! Help!
Oh, that hurts!
252
00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:34,783
Help!
Oh, that hurts!
253
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,285
You sons of bitches!
254
00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:37,828
Come on, dude!
255
00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:39,997
Oh God, I popped it!
Oh, it hurts!
256
00:09:40,122 --> 00:09:41,039
What the hell
are you doing?
257
00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:42,541
Oh crap.
258
00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:44,042
Oh God, get me
off of here!
259
00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:46,295
Dude!
260
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:47,963
Stan, I have to go home.
261
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,507
I need my cream.
I need my cream!
262
00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:51,633
Alright, let's go.
263
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,093
That's right.
You stay out!
264
00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,137
You can't keep us out forever,
you fucking fat-ass!
265
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,014
We'll be back as soon as Kyle's
hemorrhoid is better.
266
00:09:57,139 --> 00:09:58,640
My life can't
get any worse!
267
00:09:58,765 --> 00:09:59,808
You'll see.
We'll get in.
268
00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:03,979
Alright, so listen.
269
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,230
All I want you to do
is keep anybody out
270
00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:06,815
who tries to get in here.
271
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,317
If you see anybody
on my proper-tuh,
272
00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:10,986
especially Stan and Kyle,
you are to shoot on sight.
273
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,863
So what does
this job pay?
274
00:10:12,988 --> 00:10:14,156
Alright,
now this is very hard
275
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,657
for me to do, you understand.
276
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,159
But in return for you
working security,
277
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,161
I'll let you ride
two rides a day,
278
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:21,830
but only two rides
and only if I'm not on them.
279
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:26,835
Uh, I'm afraid I don't
really like rides.
280
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,129
But you can ride
anything you want,
281
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,548
and you don't have to
wait in line.
282
00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:33,050
I'm not interested.
283
00:10:33,175 --> 00:10:35,052
Dude, are you from Mars
or something?
284
00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,887
Any ride you want,
no lines.
285
00:10:37,012 --> 00:10:40,140
if you need security,
I need a cash salary.
286
00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:41,266
But I don't
have any cash.
287
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,768
I spent everything
on this park.
288
00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:44,019
Well, look,
why don't you just let
289
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,979
a couple of people in
each day?
290
00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,523
Every day you can just
let two people in,
291
00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:50,942
charge $29.95 for tickets,
292
00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:54,029
and then you can use that
to pay my daily salary.
293
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,156
Ugh, two people!
294
00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:58,533
This place is huge.
You'll never notice two people.
295
00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:00,535
And then you'll have
security for your park.
296
00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:02,037
Well, alright,
God damn it.
297
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,830
I'll open the park
to two people each day.
298
00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:06,041
But remember, anybody else you
see trespassing in the park...
299
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,377
I will shoot on sight.
- Sweet.
300
00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:12,214
You're a very
lucky little boy.
301
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,299
I've never seen
a hemorrhoid so infected.
302
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:15,801
It could've killed you.
303
00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:17,552
Lucky.
304
00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:19,971
Oh, look, Kyle, your little
friend Stan is here to see you.
305
00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:21,848
Dude, you okay?
- Oh, I'm swell, Stan.
306
00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:23,725
I popped my hemorrhoid
trying to climb the fence
307
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,102
into Cartmanland,
and it got infected.
308
00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:26,728
I really need to go
to the bathroom,
309
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:27,896
but if I do,
it will pop again,
310
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,022
and the pain will
make me pass out.
311
00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:30,607
How are you?
312
00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:31,942
Well, I found out
that Cartman's letting
313
00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:33,694
a few people each day
into his theme park.
314
00:11:33,819 --> 00:11:36,154
I was thinking we could put
on disguises and get in.
315
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,907
I'm afraid Kyle can't ride
any amusement park rides
316
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,660
for over a year because of
his horrible hemorrhoid.
317
00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:43,495
Jesus.
318
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,539
But it's okay, Stan, because
I finally figured it out.
319
00:11:45,664 --> 00:11:46,915
You see,
if someone like Cartman
320
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,750
can get a million dollars
and his own theme park,
321
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,712
then there is no God;
there's no God, dude.
322
00:11:51,837 --> 00:11:53,130
Kyle, don't
say such things!
323
00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:54,923
Why? Why, Mom?
324
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,800
Because if I do, something
bad will happen to me?
325
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,593
Because if I do,
your God might not shower me
326
00:11:58,719 --> 00:12:00,178
with his blessings of
infected hemorrhoids?
327
00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:02,180
Kyle, you just don't
understand; it's--
328
00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:03,974
No, I finally do
understand!
329
00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:05,976
There is no justice!
There is no God!
330
00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:09,020
Do you hear me?
I renounce my faith!
331
00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:12,566
Alright, alright,
listen up, people.
332
00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:15,277
Cartmanland is open but only
to two people each day.
333
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,070
All: Aww!
334
00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:18,572
I've just got to cover
my security expenses.
335
00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:19,865
Butters, Clyde,
you can come in.
336
00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:21,783
Oh!
337
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,493
The rest of you will just
have to try another day.
338
00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:28,582
Hey, one park admission.
That'll be $29.95, sir.
339
00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:29,916
Five cents
is your change.
340
00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:31,251
Enjoy your stay
at Cartmanland.
341
00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:33,503
Oh boy, oh boy!
342
00:12:33,628 --> 00:12:35,005
And enjoy your stay
at Cartmanland.
343
00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:36,590
Oh, finally work is over.
344
00:12:36,715 --> 00:12:39,217
Now I can get back
to riding my rides.
345
00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:41,470
♪ Da-da-da
I've got my own theme park ♪
346
00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:42,971
Hmm, what should
I go on now?
347
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:46,641
I know; I'll go on
the Haunted Mansion ride again!
348
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:48,143
♪ Da-da da da
da-da da-da-da ♪
349
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,811
♪ Da da- ♪
350
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,021
What are you doing?
351
00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:52,564
We're in line
for the Spook House.
352
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:53,982
Line? Line?
353
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,984
I hate lines!
354
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,569
Can't you go on something
else right now?
355
00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:58,653
We want to see
the Spook House.
356
00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:00,781
Well, we paid $29.95.
357
00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:02,157
We should be able to go
in the Spook House.
358
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,700
Yeah, but I think
it's broke down.
359
00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:04,910
The cars aren't moving.
360
00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:06,036
Alright, alright,
hang on.
361
00:13:06,161 --> 00:13:07,245
Security!
362
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,246
[feedback]
What?
363
00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:09,623
Oh! Jesus, look,
364
00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:10,665
the Haunted House ride
broke down.
365
00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:11,875
I need you to fix it.
366
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,668
Uh, I'm security,
not maintenance.
367
00:13:13,794 --> 00:13:15,170
But I don't know
how it works.
368
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,838
Your rides are gonna
break down every now and then.
369
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:18,715
You need to hire
a maintenance person.
370
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,175
Uh, alright, alright.
371
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,843
I'll let two more people
in each day
372
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,678
so I can hire
a maintenance person.
373
00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:30,352
Alright, folks, we've had
another change in policy.
374
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:31,686
I've had to hire
a maintenance person,
375
00:13:31,812 --> 00:13:32,854
and to pay his salary,
376
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:36,233
I have to let in
two more people a day.
377
00:13:36,358 --> 00:13:37,734
However, the stupid
maintenance person
378
00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:39,611
demanded I have food
and drinks inside the park,
379
00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,321
so now I've had to hire
a beverage person
380
00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:42,906
and a cotton candy person,
381
00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:45,784
which means I now have to let
eight people come in a day.
382
00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:47,452
But you are
to try your best
383
00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,329
not to ride any rides
that I am on.
384
00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:51,331
Understood?
385
00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:52,624
Alright, let's go.
386
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:55,252
Timmy!
387
00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:56,461
Wait a minute.
Who are you?
388
00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:57,629
Mike Gainer.
389
00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,548
Ha, get the hell
out of here, Stan!
390
00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:00,966
God damn it, Cartman,
let me in!
391
00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:02,717
I thought you said buying
a theme park was stupid.
392
00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:03,844
Security!
393
00:14:03,969 --> 00:14:05,595
it is stupid, Cartman.
394
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,347
You made Kyle lose his faith
in God, you fat asshole!
395
00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:08,348
Get him out of here.
396
00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:09,933
Move along, sir.
397
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,810
Ah!! This isn't over,
Cartman!
398
00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:13,603
Ugh!
399
00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:16,857
Well, now I can finally get back
to riding my rides.
400
00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:21,945
Sweet! Yay!
401
00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:24,656
Oh, man, I'm so scared.
402
00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,533
Aah!
403
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,537
Ah!
Aaah!
404
00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:32,956
Just a little more.
There we go.
405
00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:34,791
Hello, Kyle.
How's the hemorrhoid today?
406
00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:36,626
Awesome.
407
00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:38,295
Kyle, we want to tell you
about the Book of Job.
408
00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:39,796
It's a story
from the Bible.
409
00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,673
I've had enough of the Bible.
What has it gotten me?
410
00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,675
Oh, I think you'll see
differently after hearing this.
411
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,468
Sit down, Kyle.
412
00:14:45,594 --> 00:14:46,720
Uh, okay.
413
00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:49,222
You see, Job lived
in the east of Jordan
414
00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:52,976
a long, long time ago.
415
00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:54,644
Job was a great man.
416
00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,563
He was blessed with
ten lovely children,
417
00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:58,982
a wonderful wife,
and many friends.
418
00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:01,735
he was a godly and a good man
and fed the poor.
419
00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:03,695
He was the most upright
and honorable of men.
420
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:05,363
And every day
he praised God.
421
00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:06,573
But one day,
422
00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:08,909
Satan went up to heaven
and talked to God.
423
00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,201
Satan talked to God?
424
00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:11,328
Yes, in the Book of Job,
425
00:15:11,453 --> 00:15:12,621
Satan talks to God.
426
00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:15,206
And God says to Satan,
"have you seen Job?"
427
00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:18,376
"He is a great man,
and he praises me every day."
428
00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:19,794
But Satan said,
"oh, yeah?
429
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,796
"he only praises you
because you gave him so much.
430
00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:23,340
"if you didn't
give him those things,
431
00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:24,466
he would curse
your name."
432
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,675
To which God said,
433
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,677
"Oh, yeah?
I'll show you, Satan.
434
00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:29,471
"I'll take those things
away from Job,
435
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,514
and he will still
praise my name."
436
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,934
And so God had a bunch
of barbarians come in
437
00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:36,227
and slaughter Job's
ox and donkeys
438
00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:37,729
and murder
all his workers.
439
00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:39,731
Then God sent his fireballs
from the sky
440
00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:42,233
and killed his sheep
and the rest of his employees.
441
00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:44,611
And then, as Job's sons
and daughters were eating,
442
00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:46,404
God sent a mighty wind
to collapse the house
443
00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:47,906
and crushed
and killed them all.
444
00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:49,407
Job was terribly sad,
445
00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:50,659
but he fell
to his knees and said,
446
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:52,911
"the Lord giveth,
and the Lord taketh away"
447
00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:55,288
and praised God's name.
448
00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:57,916
So then Job got painful sores
all over his body.
449
00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:01,378
he was in terrible, miserable
pain all day, every day.
450
00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:03,463
But he still
kept his faith.
451
00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:04,673
God said to Satan,
452
00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:07,300
"see? I told you."
"Job still praises me."
453
00:16:12,389 --> 00:16:13,640
And that's it?
That's the end?
454
00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:15,475
Basically.
455
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,352
That's the most horrible story
I've ever heard.
456
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:19,437
Why would God do such horrible
things to a good person
457
00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:21,606
just to prove
a point to Satan?
458
00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:24,859
Oh, uh, I don't know.
459
00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,277
Then I was right.
460
00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:27,862
Job has all
his children killed,
461
00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:30,323
and Michael Bay
gets to keep making movies.
462
00:16:30,448 --> 00:16:32,742
There isn't a God.
463
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:35,453
And since the stupid security
guard needs video surveillance,
464
00:16:35,578 --> 00:16:36,913
I have to let in
two more people a day
465
00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:38,707
to cover those expenses.
466
00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:40,500
Need to cover the new
ticket guy's salary,
467
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:41,960
so that's three more
admissions a day.
468
00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:43,336
Clean-up crew
for the bathroom,
469
00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:44,629
money to cover
paint and upkeep.
470
00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:45,964
So that's about
four admissions,
471
00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:47,257
Bringing the grand total to...
472
00:16:47,382 --> 00:16:49,467
God damn it.
473
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:52,637
816 people can come
into the park today.
474
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:55,432
[all cheering]
475
00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:57,183
Welcome
to Cartmanland.
476
00:16:58,977 --> 00:17:00,979
Isn't he getting
any better, Doctor?
477
00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:02,856
I don't understand it.
478
00:17:02,981 --> 00:17:05,275
He's not fighting the
infected hemorrhoid at all.
479
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,735
It's like he...
480
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:09,154
Like he's lost
all hope.
481
00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:10,363
Well, if you'll excuse me,
482
00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:11,656
I've got some more
tests to run.
483
00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:14,325
And now back to
Money Quest on HBC.
484
00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:15,910
Welcome back
to Money Quest.
485
00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:17,495
In just over two weeks,
486
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,289
young financial genius
Eric Cartman
487
00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:20,665
has managed
to turn a theme park
488
00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,834
that was seeing less than
100 attendees a day
489
00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:25,462
into a thriving park with
attendance in the thousands.
490
00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:26,963
And the way he did it
491
00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,214
was with the brilliant
"you can't come" technique.
492
00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:29,507
For the first
several days,
493
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:30,884
the young businessman
saturated the market
494
00:17:31,009 --> 00:17:32,802
with claims that nobody
could get into his park.
495
00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:34,429
It made the public crazy.
496
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,347
So then, weeks later,
when he opened the doors,
497
00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:37,640
they were lining up
around the block.
498
00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:38,767
Simply amazing.
499
00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,310
Well, I think
we should point out
500
00:17:40,435 --> 00:17:42,312
that this technique is
already being applied
501
00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:44,230
by businesses
all over the country.
502
00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:46,441
I'm sorry, we're no longer
taking reservations.
503
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:47,192
Nobody can eat here.
504
00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:49,694
You'll have to
leave now.
505
00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:51,571
No, I'm sorry.
You can't see this movie.
506
00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:53,281
Nobody can see
this movie.
507
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:54,699
I can't even go in.
508
00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:55,950
Out!
509
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:57,827
Nobody is allowed into
Gracy's anymore!
510
00:17:57,952 --> 00:17:59,704
Get out of here!
511
00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,456
Amazing--Eric Cartman
is surely
512
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,750
the financial genius
of our time.
513
00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:06,211
Uh, uhaah...
514
00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:08,713
Kyle? Kyle?
515
00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,381
Get the doctor!
516
00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:12,967
[children shouting
and laughing]
517
00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,892
God damn it,
stop running into me!
518
00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:41,329
Ahh!
519
00:18:44,415 --> 00:18:47,418
Ahhhhh!
520
00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:48,920
My God,
look at it, Chris.
521
00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:50,797
That kid completely
turned this place around.
522
00:18:50,922 --> 00:18:52,757
He sure did.
523
00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:54,467
Oh, if I could only have
a park that worked like this.
524
00:18:54,592 --> 00:18:56,261
Hey, there you are.
- Oh, hello.
525
00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:57,846
Congratulations
on your success.
526
00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,848
Just give me my money back.
- What?
527
00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,933
I changed my mind.
I don't want your stupid park.
528
00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:03,393
But it's doing great.
529
00:19:03,518 --> 00:19:05,395
You call this great?
I call it Hell.
530
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:06,604
Trade me back,
God damn it!
531
00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:07,772
You bet!
532
00:19:07,897 --> 00:19:09,524
I'll go get your money
right now.
533
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:10,942
Daddy, Daddy,
can we ride the rockets?
534
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:13,069
God damn it, get the fuck
out of my way!
535
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,619
Isn't he responding
at all, Doctor?
536
00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:26,040
I'm sorry, your son appears
to be losing the battle.
537
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:30,253
I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid
has spread to his lungs.
538
00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:32,380
Normally the body
would fight the infection,
539
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:36,301
but he's--he's just
given up on life.
540
00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:38,261
But then
are you saying...
541
00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:40,388
there's nothing more
I can do.
542
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,391
Little fella's just
lost his will to live.
543
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,810
Oh, Kyle! Kyle,
you've got to fight!
544
00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:49,647
Good riddance,
you stupid park.
545
00:19:49,772 --> 00:19:51,357
You can all kiss my ass!
546
00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:52,650
Excuse me,
Eric Cartman?
547
00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:54,235
Yeah.
548
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:55,486
I'm Frank Gerret
with the IRS.
549
00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:57,238
You haven't kept records
of your income or payout,
550
00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:59,324
and there's a $500,000
discrepancy.
551
00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:01,075
Seize the assets.
552
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:02,452
Hey!
Hey, that's my money!
553
00:20:02,577 --> 00:20:03,745
There's also the lawsuit
554
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:05,288
of the little boy
who died in your park.
555
00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:06,706
The family's entitled
to the rest of this.
556
00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:08,499
What, Kenny?
He dies all the time!
557
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:11,252
You still owe $13,000
more than this, Mr. Cartman.
558
00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:12,545
We'll see you in court.
559
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,547
You can't take my money,
God damn it!
560
00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:16,257
We know how well
your park is doing.
561
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:17,592
You'll make it back
in no time.
562
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,261
Ah! But I--ah!
563
00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:22,180
Hey, hey, Mr. Foon,
I changed my mind.
564
00:20:22,305 --> 00:20:23,973
I need the park
to make my money back.
565
00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:25,600
No way, Jose.
- But I'm getting sued now.
566
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:27,602
If I don't have the park,
I lose everything.
567
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:30,271
"I don't care," said Pierre.
"I'm from France."
568
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,190
This can't be happening!
Aaah!
569
00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:35,735
Kyle, you got to
come see!
570
00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,403
Kyle's not going
to make it, Stanley.
571
00:20:37,528 --> 00:20:39,239
Oh, Gerald!
572
00:20:39,364 --> 00:20:40,615
Doctor, can we wheel Kyle
out of here on his bed
573
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,158
with the machines attached?
574
00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:44,202
Well, I suppose
it could be rigged, but I...
575
00:20:44,327 --> 00:20:45,286
Then damn it, man,
do it!
576
00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:49,290
it isn't fair!
577
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:51,459
You Goddamn assholes,
it isn't fair!
578
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,670
Look, Kyle, look.
579
00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:56,130
You just built me up to
knock me down, didn't you?
580
00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:57,632
What about my dreams?
581
00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,342
What about my money?
582
00:20:59,467 --> 00:21:00,551
Huh?
583
00:21:00,677 --> 00:21:01,970
I'm so pissed off!
584
00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:03,304
Move along, sir.
585
00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:05,223
You are vandalizing
private property.
586
00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:09,060
Hey, you used to
work for me!
587
00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:12,480
God damn it,
you son of a bitch!
588
00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,274
Kyle.
- He's coming back.
589
00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:15,984
That's it, baby,
that's it.
590
00:21:16,109 --> 00:21:18,027
Oh God damn it,
this sucks!
591
00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:19,445
Wait a minute; yes,
592
00:21:19,570 --> 00:21:21,489
the hemorrhoid is
going into remission.
593
00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,491
Arrrrrr rrr!
594
00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:25,243
Look, Kyle, Cartman
is totally miserable,
595
00:21:25,368 --> 00:21:26,619
even more miserable
than he was before,
596
00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:28,162
because he's had his dream
and lost it.
597
00:21:28,288 --> 00:21:29,580
It's not fair!
598
00:21:29,706 --> 00:21:31,541
It's not fair.
I wanna die!
599
00:21:31,666 --> 00:21:35,503
I wanna die!
600
00:21:35,628 --> 00:21:37,422
You are up there.