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00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:11,929
♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪
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00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:14,140
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
3
00:00:14,265 --> 00:00:15,641
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
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♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
5
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♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
6
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♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
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♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
8
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♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪
9
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♪ Timmy, Timmy,
liv-a-la, Timmy! ♪
10
00:00:29,155 --> 00:00:32,575
♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
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[ Laughter ]
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Shut up, you guys.
Shut up, you guys.
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[ Telephone ringing ]
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[ Chinese accent ]
Hello, Chitty Wok.
15
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Take order, please.
16
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[ Laughter ]
Hello, is this City Wok?
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Yes, this Chitty Wok.
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[ Laughter ]
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Yes, we'd like one
order of the city beef.
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Chitty beef.
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[ Laughter ]
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And I'll have the city chicken.
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Chitty chicken.
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[ Laughter ]
25
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Oh, dude, look.
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It's that commercial with
the guy that lost 400 pounds
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eating at Subway sandwiches.
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[ Mid-tempo blues plays ]
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MAN:
♪ He's still looking good ♪
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♪ His name is Jared ♪
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♪ His name is Jared ♪
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♪ And he likes to eat
the sandwiches ♪
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Hey, fellas.
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Hey, Kenny.
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Now, gosh darn it,
my name's not Kenny.
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Kenny's dead,
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and you're all gonna have to
learn to deal with that.
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Okay, not-Kenny.
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MAN:
Hey, South Park!
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You can meet Jared in person,
March 6th,
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at the Kenny McCormick
Memorial Town Square.
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Oh, boy!
Jared's coming to town!
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Dude, that's today!
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We got to get down there.
Come on, not-Kenny.
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Now, gosh darn it,
my name's not not-Kenny.
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Okay.
Come on, not not-Kenny.
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Oh, I-I'm getting steamed now!
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MAN:
Hello?! Chitty Wok!
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Chitty Wok!
Take order, please!
50
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Excuse me.
Can we get through here?
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Hell, no! I've been saving
this spot for six hours.
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♪ His name is Garrison,
Mr. Garrison ♪
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♪ He lost 10 pounds
taking Jared's lead ♪
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Here he comes!
[ Cheers and applause ]
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MAN:
♪ He's still looking good ♪
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♪ With all those s-sandwiches ♪
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[ Crowd cheering ]
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Thank you all so much.
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You know, after a year of eating
delicious sub sandwiches,
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I've proven weight loss is easy!
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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And I promise you I will
always be your faithful leader
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in easy weight loss.
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All right!
- Yeah!
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That guy ate all the sandwiches
he wanted and lost weight.
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He is so cool.
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[ Knock on door ]
Mr. Fogle?
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Some fans wanted to see
if you'd sign their sandwich.
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Sure.
Let them in.
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Hi, kids.
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Wow!
It's Jared.
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Dude, did you really lose
all that weight
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eating nothing
but sub sandwiches?
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I sure did.
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And -- W-Well, I-I also had
a little help on the side.
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What kind of help?
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Well, eating sub sandwiches
was a big part of it.
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But the way that I lost
so much weight
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was that I got aides.
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A-AIDS?
- That's right.
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I got aides about two years ago,
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and I've been losing weight
ever since.
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It's amazing how slim
you can get with aides.
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I'll bet you can.
- Would you like to meet them?
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Them?
- My aides.
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Scott!
Tyler!
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Scott is my personal trainer,
and Tyler is my dietitian.
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[ Both ] Hello!
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Oh!
A-I-D-E-S aides.
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Yeah.
Hooray for aides!
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That's not really what you say
in the commercial.
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I know. You kind of have to read
the fine print at the bottom.
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It says I only ate
a half-size lean turkey sandwich
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with no mustard or mayo
or anything like that
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and then had proper diet
and exercise aides.
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But you're lying to people.
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If they knew you didn't just eat
all the sandwiches you want,
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you might not be so popular.
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Y-You think so?
Well, why should it matter?
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It matters, dude.
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Hmm.
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That penis butt didn't lose
weight eating sub sandwiches.
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He lost weight because he ate
less of them and exercised.
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It's only in America
somebody can become famous
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because they go from being
a big fat ass
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to not being a big fat ass.
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Oh, my God, you guys.
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I think I'm having
a genius moment.
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Yes.
Yes!
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It's coming to me now.
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That -- That's diarrhea.
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No. Don't you see
what this all means?
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Anybody could do what he did.
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What's to stop someone else
from going to say, City Wok,
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and cutting a deal with them --
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say they'll eat nothing
but their Chinese food,
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but then eat only a little
tiny bit of it and exercise?
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Then City Wok could say their
food makes you lose weight.
119
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That's right, Stan.
It's a cash cow, I tell you.
120
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That's a great idea!
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Lose weight and make money.
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I tell you, this is
gonna be the greatest thing
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that Butters has ever done.
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Me?!
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Who do you think I'm talking
about, Butters -- Joyce Dewitt?
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Oh, no. I thought you meant you.
Y-You're the fat one.
127
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I can't lose weight, Butters,
because I'm not fat.
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I'm big-boned.
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You can't slim down bones,
stupid.
130
00:04:20,135 --> 00:04:21,428
But Butters isn't fat.
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That's my whole point.
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First we fatten him up.
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Then we make the deal
with City Wok.
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Then take the weight back off.
- He's right.
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If Butters is naturally skinny,
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he'll be able
to take the weight off faster.
137
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But, fellas, if I get fat,
my parents will ground me.
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Oh, come on! Just think about
how famous you'll be.
139
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You mean like Jared?
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Yeah, dude!
You'll be just like Jared!
141
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Well, the heck with that!
You said Jared was a "penis butt".
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You wouldn't be a penis butt.
You'd be famous.
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Just think about all those
people following you around,
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singing songs to you just
'cause you lost some weight.
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♪ His name is Butters ♪
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00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:48,038
♪ It's Butters ♪
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♪ Used to be fat
but not no more ♪
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♪ City Wok brought him
down to a size 4 ♪
149
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♪ Now he's got lots of moneys
and girls ♪
150
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♪ And a lifetime
of free food at City Wok ♪
151
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Wow.
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Christine, you know I love you
very much,
153
00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:02,845
and I-I can't wait
for the wedding.
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I love you, too, Jared.
You changed my whole life.
155
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♪ Her name is Jonas,
Christine Jonas ♪
156
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♪ She lost 40 pounds
when she met Jared and -- ♪
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I-I know, I know.
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But, uh, some young boys
were talking to me earlier,
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and they made me think
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that people might not be
so proud of my weight loss
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if they knew something.
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Jared, what's this all about?
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Christine, this probably isn't
gonna matter to you at all,
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but...I have aides.
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What?!
166
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Yeah, I have aides.
167
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I've had aides since
before we were together.
168
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What -- What are you thinking?
Are you bummed?
169
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,126
Am I bummed?!
170
00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:36,420
You've had AIDS all this time,
and you knew it?
171
00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:37,546
Well, of course I knew it.
172
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:38,964
Why the hell
wouldn't you tell me?
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00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:40,549
I didn't think it was
that big of a deal.
174
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Not that big of a deal?!
I slept with you!
175
00:05:43,385 --> 00:05:44,511
Aren't you overreacting
a little bit?
176
00:05:44,636 --> 00:05:46,555
But Jesus Christ!
we're supposed to get married!
177
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,474
We can still get married,
Christine.
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00:05:48,599 --> 00:05:49,850
Sure, they're my aides now,
179
00:05:49,975 --> 00:05:52,269
but after we get married,
they'll be our aides.
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00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:53,354
[ Sobs ]
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00:05:53,479 --> 00:05:55,522
You'll love having aides,
Christine, you really will.
182
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And when we have children,
they'll have aides.
183
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:58,942
It'll make things so simple.
184
00:05:59,068 --> 00:06:01,070
[ Sobbing ]
- Christine!
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00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:05,741
Geez. Those boys were right.
People really don't like aides.
186
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,409
I'd better tell everyone
the truth.
187
00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:09,161
[ Bell rings ]
188
00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:10,621
Hello, there, children.
189
00:06:10,746 --> 00:06:12,748
Chef, we need Butters
to gain about 50 pounds, fast.
190
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,041
Fifty pounds?
Why?
191
00:06:14,166 --> 00:06:15,959
Uh, school project.
192
00:06:16,085 --> 00:06:19,004
Well, if you want him to get
really fat as fast as possible,
193
00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:20,923
one of you
will have to marry him.
194
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:21,924
Marry him?
195
00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:24,218
It definitely worked
for every woman I ever met.
196
00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:26,345
Oh, no, no, no!
I ain't getting married.
197
00:06:26,470 --> 00:06:27,513
My parents will ground me.
198
00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:29,348
Yeah. None of us
want to marry Butters.
199
00:06:29,473 --> 00:06:31,141
Well, how come?
What's wrong with me?
200
00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:33,060
I guess we're gonna do this
the old-fashioned way.
201
00:06:33,185 --> 00:06:34,937
Come on back, children.
202
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,275
[ Groans ]
I can't eat no more.
203
00:06:40,401 --> 00:06:42,361
You have to.
Here. Have some more mayonnaise.
204
00:06:43,404 --> 00:06:44,488
Chef, we need more food.
205
00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,156
I'm running out, children.
206
00:06:47,950 --> 00:06:48,867
Damn it, Butters, keep eating,
207
00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:50,953
or else I'll kick your ass
till you're deader than Kenny!
208
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:51,787
Dude, that isn't cool.
209
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,247
You shouldn't joke
about Kenny being dead.
210
00:06:53,372 --> 00:06:54,415
Enough time hasn't passed.
211
00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:55,749
So how long until
we can joke about it?
212
00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:56,917
22.3 years.
213
00:06:57,042 --> 00:06:58,419
That's how long it takes
for something tragic
214
00:06:58,544 --> 00:06:59,503
to become funny.
215
00:06:59,628 --> 00:07:00,796
That's a long time to wait.
216
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,256
I can't eat no more.
217
00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:04,341
I-I just keep puking it up.
218
00:07:04,466 --> 00:07:06,176
Then eat your puke.
- No!
219
00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:08,720
Oh, come on.
Japanese girls do it.
220
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:13,767
Ladies and gentlemen, we at
Subway are happy to inform you
221
00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:16,603
that Jared has elected to stay
in South Park
222
00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,647
in order to speak to you
once again!
223
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:19,815
[ Cheering ]
224
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,942
He's going to speak to us
once again!
225
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,653
So here he is -- Jared!
226
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:27,406
MAN:
♪ He's still looking good ♪
227
00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:30,993
♪ Eating them sandwiches
all the time ♪
228
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,786
Thank you.
Thank you all.
229
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:36,707
Subway is a healthy way to eat
fast food and lose weight!
230
00:07:36,832 --> 00:07:37,958
All right!
- [ Crowd cheering ]
231
00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:41,545
But I feel like I need
to come a little clean
232
00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:43,714
about something.
233
00:07:43,839 --> 00:07:47,217
It wasn't just Subway sandwiches
that made me thin.
234
00:07:47,342 --> 00:07:47,968
Huh?
235
00:07:48,093 --> 00:07:50,804
The reason I was able to lose
so much weight so quickly
236
00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:53,348
was that I got aides.
237
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,477
Huh?
- Did he say "AIDS"?
238
00:07:56,602 --> 00:07:58,979
But I still want to be the
leader in a thinner America,
239
00:07:59,104 --> 00:08:00,230
and so I'm here to tell you
240
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:02,816
that you should all go out
and get aides!
241
00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:04,818
Oh, my God.
- Is he serious?
242
00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:06,820
Having aides is awesome!
243
00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:09,823
With aides, you can literally
watch the fat melt away.
244
00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:13,118
And with the proper mix of aides
and Subway sandwiches,
245
00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:14,995
anything is possible.
246
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,956
Uh, the opinions expressed
by Mr. Fogle
247
00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:20,667
are not necessarily those
of the Subway company.
248
00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:26,590
Wow!
He looks great!
249
00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:27,674
How do you feel, Butters?
250
00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,551
Well, k-kind of like Cartman.
251
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:31,094
Aah!
- Get ahold of yourself, man.
252
00:08:31,220 --> 00:08:33,305
All right.
Now it's time for phase two.
253
00:08:35,641 --> 00:08:36,725
Welcome to Chitty Wok.
254
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:39,102
You like to try
chitty chicken today?
255
00:08:39,228 --> 00:08:42,064
Sir, we have come to offer you
the business deal of a lifetime.
256
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:44,107
You want the chitty beef?
257
00:08:44,233 --> 00:08:46,485
No. We want to show the world
how healthy your food is.
258
00:08:46,610 --> 00:08:48,362
Our fat friend here
is going to lose 40 pounds
259
00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:49,655
eating at Chitty Wok.
260
00:08:49,780 --> 00:08:51,532
Which one?
I see two fat friend.
261
00:08:51,657 --> 00:08:52,616
The fat one.
262
00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:54,117
We're gonna take
before-and-after photos,
263
00:08:54,243 --> 00:08:55,869
and when he gets skinny
from eating your food,
264
00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:57,412
we'll show the world.
265
00:08:58,413 --> 00:08:59,289
Why?
266
00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:02,209
Because then you can pay us to
use our friend in commercials.
267
00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:04,044
Oh, you mean like Jared?
268
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:05,337
Just like Jared.
269
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,506
♪ His name is Jared,
he lose some weight ♪
270
00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:09,466
♪ Chitty Wok food
sure is great ♪
271
00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:10,801
Yeah. Okay.
That sound good.
272
00:09:10,926 --> 00:09:12,844
So, if he lose weight
eating Chitty Wok,
273
00:09:12,970 --> 00:09:14,846
I pay you to use him
in commercial.
274
00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:15,764
ALL:
All right!
275
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,267
Sir, we are in business.
276
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:20,477
Jared, first of all,
277
00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:22,145
we want to say
that all of us here at Subway
278
00:09:22,271 --> 00:09:24,314
appreciate everything
you've done for our company.
279
00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:25,691
Well, I appreciate your company
280
00:09:25,816 --> 00:09:27,150
doing everything it's done
for m e.
281
00:09:27,276 --> 00:09:30,028
Yes, well, it is now
the opinion of all of us
282
00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:32,698
that perhaps it would be best
for you to take your...
283
00:09:32,823 --> 00:09:36,577
strange theories on weight loss
elsewhere.
284
00:09:36,702 --> 00:09:39,621
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
Excuse me...
285
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:41,456
...am I being fired?
286
00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:44,042
Jared, it's just that
your new take on weight loss
287
00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:46,461
is contrary to our commitment
to good health.
288
00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:47,504
How so?
289
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:49,548
Well, your new slogan,
for instance.
290
00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:51,967
[ Clears throat ]
"When it comes to fitness,
291
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:54,803
Subway goes hand in hand
with AIDS."
292
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,972
Uh-huh.
293
00:09:57,097 --> 00:10:00,559
[ Tune of "Streets
of Philadelphia" plays ]
294
00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:02,436
MAN:
♪ Name is Jared ♪
295
00:10:02,561 --> 00:10:05,063
♪ He's Jared,
lost weight eating Subway ♪
296
00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:06,732
♪ Now he's cold and alone ♪
297
00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:09,526
♪ No one to --
place to call his home ♪
298
00:10:09,651 --> 00:10:12,029
♪ He likes sandwiches
with Philadelphia ♪
299
00:10:12,154 --> 00:10:14,364
♪ cream cheese ♪
300
00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:16,742
Come on, Butters!
You got to get skinny again!
301
00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:18,910
You are such a flabby hunk
of crap!
302
00:10:19,036 --> 00:10:21,955
Look at those jelly rolls!
Jelly rolls, I tell ya!
303
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,582
You still got seven chins, boy!
304
00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:25,709
You'll never be thin!
Nobody loves you!
305
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:27,127
Hey, now.
They do, too.
306
00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:29,713
My mom and dad love me
even if I am fat.
307
00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:31,965
Butters, I'm just trying to
offer some motivational help.
308
00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,051
All right, then.
- Row, you fat bitch!
309
00:10:34,176 --> 00:10:36,386
Look at them jelly rolls!
Nobody loves you!
310
00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:37,888
You're not even a person!
311
00:10:38,013 --> 00:10:39,222
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
312
00:10:39,348 --> 00:10:42,225
I never asked to be famous.
Now everyone hates me!
313
00:10:42,351 --> 00:10:44,770
I almost wish
I had never gotten aides!
314
00:10:44,895 --> 00:10:47,356
Hey. Now, come on.
What kind of talk is that?
315
00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:48,774
I'm sorry, guys, but I --
316
00:10:48,899 --> 00:10:51,443
I think I want to be aides-free
for a while.
317
00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:54,071
Come on, Jared. Lighten up.
People don't hate you.
318
00:10:54,196 --> 00:10:55,614
Maybe they're all just jealous
319
00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:58,075
that they can't afford to hire
their own aides.
320
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,327
Wait a minute.
You're right!
321
00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:01,828
Yeah!
322
00:11:01,953 --> 00:11:04,748
I think I know
how to be a celebrity again!
323
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:07,709
Did you bring the camera?
- Yeah. we're all set.
324
00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:09,211
Guys, I think this might be
a good time
325
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,171
to discuss some business.
- What do you mean?
326
00:11:11,296 --> 00:11:13,131
Well, when City Wok sees
how skinny Butters is,
327
00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:15,050
they're not gonna want him
to just make one commercial.
328
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,259
They're gonna want several.
- That's true.
329
00:11:16,385 --> 00:11:18,345
Jared did like a hundred
for Subway sandwiches.
330
00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:19,805
I think we're looking at
a nonexclusive,
331
00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:21,306
two-year, 50-picture deal here.
332
00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:24,351
My calculations put that
at about $4 million.
333
00:11:24,476 --> 00:11:25,268
Wow!
334
00:11:25,394 --> 00:11:27,270
I think the $4 million
should be split evenly
335
00:11:27,396 --> 00:11:28,397
among the three of us,
336
00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:31,066
except that I should get a 20%
per negation fee off the gross
337
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,234
for having come up with
the idea.
338
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,027
Butters, what the hell
are you doing?!
339
00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:34,945
Yeah!
You're still fat!
340
00:11:35,070 --> 00:11:36,780
I know.
I-I can't seem to lose it.
341
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,699
But we're supposed to shoot your
commercial for City Wok today,
342
00:11:38,824 --> 00:11:39,783
you fat piece of crap!
343
00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,201
I don't know what to tell you.
344
00:11:41,326 --> 00:11:43,036
Losing weight is harder
than putting it on.
345
00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:45,038
No, it isn't,
stupid blubber butt!
346
00:11:45,163 --> 00:11:47,708
Did you eat only one ounce of
City Wok a day like we told you?
347
00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:49,626
Well, yeah,
but I-I don't know.
348
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:51,002
Why are you doing this to us?
349
00:11:52,671 --> 00:11:54,506
STAN: All prepared
for liposuction surgery?
350
00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:55,507
CARTMAN:
Check.
351
00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:57,050
I don't know about this, fellas.
352
00:11:57,175 --> 00:11:59,344
You're the one that screwed us
by not losing weight, Butters.
353
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:01,012
It says here,
"The operation begins
354
00:12:01,138 --> 00:12:03,098
with a one-inch incision
in the abdomen
355
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,267
on the left side,
just above the hip."
356
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:07,477
Ah, so that's
right about, uh, here.
357
00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,354
Oh!
- Stop your bitching, Butters!
358
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:11,064
God! Kenny would've took it
like a man!
359
00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:12,649
Now put one end of the tube
360
00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:14,484
a half an inch
into the incision.
361
00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:15,402
All righty.
362
00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:17,779
Whoa. I think this is
a bad idea, fellas.
363
00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:19,030
I feel woozy.
364
00:12:19,156 --> 00:12:20,073
I think it's in.
365
00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:21,658
"The liposuction is a process
366
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:24,494
of siphoning out
the excess fat."
367
00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:29,207
[ Slurping ]
368
00:12:29,332 --> 00:12:30,208
Ugh.
[ Grunts ]
369
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:31,334
[ Moans ]
370
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:33,128
- There it goes.
- All right. It's working!
371
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,713
Oh, man,
it tastes like that, um --
372
00:12:34,838 --> 00:12:37,132
You know that creamed chipped-
beef stuff Chef makes sometimes?
373
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,176
Uh, fellas,
I don't feel very good.
374
00:12:39,301 --> 00:12:41,052
Shut up, Butters.
This is your own damn fault.
375
00:12:41,178 --> 00:12:43,972
Everything's getting dark.
- We got to hurry this up.
376
00:12:44,848 --> 00:12:46,641
Oh, yeah. Keep doing that.
That's working good.
377
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:48,769
- He's losing weight!
- Oh! Whoa! Whoa!
378
00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:49,936
It's out of control!
379
00:12:50,061 --> 00:12:52,063
Whoa.
Everything's getting sparkly.
380
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:54,524
Oh, no, dude.
Butters' parents are home.
381
00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:55,984
Oh, crap!
- Dude, bail.
382
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,153
[ Dramatic music plays ]
383
00:12:58,278 --> 00:12:59,780
Butters?
Butters?!
384
00:12:59,905 --> 00:13:01,364
Mom, Dad.
385
00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:03,909
Butters, are you having
liposuction surgery?
386
00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:04,951
Tell me the truth.
387
00:13:05,076 --> 00:13:06,161
Yes, sir.
388
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:07,204
This is unbelievable!
389
00:13:07,329 --> 00:13:09,164
How many times have we told you
never to have
390
00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:10,957
self-performed liposuction
surgery in our house?
391
00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:12,083
Four times, Mom.
392
00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:13,710
Well, I guess
that wasn't enough.
393
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,670
You get up to your room
right now, mister.
394
00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:17,839
Yes, sir.
395
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,758
[ Grunts ]
396
00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:23,762
Oh, don't you give us
that look, young man.
397
00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:25,138
You're gonna get it!
398
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,558
Tom, I'm standing
out front of the mayor's office,
399
00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:31,311
where the big liar Jared
is once again about to speak.
400
00:13:31,436 --> 00:13:34,648
Apparently, Jared hopes to
regain his celebrity-hero status
401
00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:37,150
which was lost when he announced
that it was AIDS,
402
00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:39,778
not sub sandwiches,
that caused him to lose weight.
403
00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:40,821
Let's listen in.
404
00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:43,406
Ladies and gentlemen,
a-at first I didn't understand
405
00:13:43,532 --> 00:13:44,574
why you felt betrayed
406
00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:46,993
by the fact that my aides
helped me to lose weight.
407
00:13:47,118 --> 00:13:49,246
But now I understand
that it's because it isn't fair
408
00:13:49,371 --> 00:13:52,207
that I had aides
and most of you don't.
409
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:55,168
And so with all the money
I made from commercials,
410
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:56,795
I have decided to start
411
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,172
the Aides for Everyone
Foundation!
412
00:14:00,799 --> 00:14:01,675
What?!
413
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,010
I am going to personally
see to it
414
00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:07,973
that each and every one of you
gets aides.
415
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,725
This guy's insane.
416
00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,227
But I won't stop there.
417
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,771
I'm gonna seek out
all the underprivileged
418
00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:16,481
and hungry children
of the world,
419
00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:19,734
and I'm going to give them aides
myself!
420
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:21,862
You're gonna give children AIDS?
421
00:14:21,987 --> 00:14:24,614
Yes, it is my hope that every
beautiful child on this earth
422
00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,283
has aides by next month.
423
00:14:26,408 --> 00:14:28,285
Aides for everyone!
424
00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:30,287
[ Birds chirping ]
425
00:14:30,412 --> 00:14:31,413
Get him!
426
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,456
[All shouting ]
427
00:14:33,582 --> 00:14:35,333
[ Dramatic music plays ]
428
00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:37,335
[ Doorbell rings ]
429
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:39,254
Come on, Butters. Time to go.
- Go where?
430
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:40,714
To City Wok
so we can make our money.
431
00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:42,382
God!
- I can't go anywhere, fellas.
432
00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:44,843
I've been grounded for having
liposuction surgery.
433
00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:45,635
What?
434
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,220
I told you my parents
would be sore.
435
00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:49,389
And they said, for having
liposuction surgery,
436
00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:51,349
I can't play outside
for five days.
437
00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:53,143
We just need you to come down
to City Wok real quick
438
00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:54,686
so they can see
how skinny you are.
439
00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:56,855
You guys have already gotten me
in Dutch for getting fat,
440
00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:59,482
and then I got in double Dutch
for having liposuction.
441
00:14:59,608 --> 00:15:01,610
And now you're asking me to be
in triple Dutch?!
442
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:03,945
Hunh-unh.
I'll never be that Dutch.
443
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:05,614
Kenny would've done it.
444
00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:06,573
Yep.
445
00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:09,075
You guys remember
what a cool friend Kenny was?
446
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:10,660
He was always up
for helping us out.
447
00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:12,495
Man, he was the best friend
ever.
448
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:13,955
Look, fellas, I can't do it!
449
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,124
My mom and dad call in
every hour from work
450
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:17,417
to make sure I'm here.
451
00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:20,462
If I don't answer the phone,
they'll know I'm up to no good.
452
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,756
All right. I'll stay here
and answer the phone for you.
453
00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:24,215
B-But you don't sound like me.
454
00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:25,800
[ Imitating Butters ]
But you don't sound like me.
455
00:15:25,926 --> 00:15:27,677
My name is Butters,
and I'm a little pussy
456
00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:29,512
who won't help his friends
make money.
457
00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:30,764
Wow.
That was pretty good.
458
00:15:30,889 --> 00:15:32,015
All right. It's settled.
Come on, Butters.
459
00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:35,644
Don't forget, a third
of that $4 million is mine.
460
00:15:36,478 --> 00:15:37,854
Ahh.
461
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,233
[ Remote clicks ]
Ahh.
462
00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:43,693
[ Sighs ]
463
00:15:43,818 --> 00:15:45,153
[ Telephone rings ]
464
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,738
[ Imitating Butters ]
Uh, hello?
465
00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:48,490
I'm just checking in on you,
Butters.
466
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,033
He--
Do I hear the television?
467
00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:52,369
We told you no television
while you're grounded.
468
00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:54,579
Oh, gee whiz. I'm not
w-watching television, Dad.
469
00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:56,247
I'm just laying around
jackin' it.
470
00:15:56,373 --> 00:15:57,832
Jacking it?
Jacking what?
471
00:15:57,958 --> 00:15:59,834
Well, my hot, spicy boner,
of course, Dad.
472
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:03,088
What?! Are you trying to get in
more trouble with that language?
473
00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:05,507
Aw, loosen up,
you bloody vaginal belch.
474
00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:06,967
Oh!
You are gonna get it, mister!
475
00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:08,426
You just wait till I get home!
476
00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:10,136
Bring it on, queer bait.
477
00:16:10,261 --> 00:16:12,555
[ Normal voice ]
Ahh. Yes.
478
00:16:12,681 --> 00:16:15,225
I tell my girlfriend
I have aides, and she leaves!
479
00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:18,144
I tell the world to get aides,
and they think I'm crazy!
480
00:16:18,269 --> 00:16:21,398
I offer to give aides to kids,
and everyone wants me dead!
481
00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:23,024
What's wrong with aides?!
482
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:26,444
Why doesn't anyone want me
to give them aides?!
483
00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:28,530
[ Crowd shouting ]
484
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:30,907
There he is,
beating that dead horse!
485
00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,784
Get him!
[ Crowd shouting ]
486
00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:34,244
Aah!
487
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,789
Welcome to Chitty Wok.
Take order, please.
488
00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:38,790
We have great news!
489
00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:40,917
Our friend lost 40 pounds
eating your City Wok food.
490
00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:43,003
Here's the before-and-after
photos.
491
00:16:43,128 --> 00:16:45,005
He lose weight
eating Chitty Wok?
492
00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:47,298
That's right, so you can pay us
to use him in your commercials,
493
00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:48,967
and you'll have
your very own Jared.
494
00:16:49,092 --> 00:16:50,260
Oh, no.
No way.
495
00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:53,179
I not putting no Jared
in my Chitty Wok commercial.
496
00:16:53,304 --> 00:16:54,931
Why not?
- Don't you know?
497
00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:56,141
Everybody hate Jared.
498
00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:58,268
He want everyone in world
to have AIDS.
499
00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:00,270
He sick in the head.
- What?
500
00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:02,105
I no want Chitty Wok
have nothing to do
501
00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:03,231
with Jared and his AIDS.
502
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:04,816
Wait.
Everyone hates Jared now?
503
00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:06,317
Yeah.
They -- They gonna kill him.
504
00:17:06,443 --> 00:17:08,445
They're gonna kill Jared
downtown right now.
505
00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:11,322
Oh, come on, guys.
We got to sort this out.
506
00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:12,532
TV: Here's some anthrax for ya.
507
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:15,118
[ Farts, laughs ]
Oh, no!
508
00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:16,202
[ Telephone ringing ]
509
00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:18,538
Phillip, your anthrax
has given me colon cancer!
510
00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:19,998
Your anthrax
has given m e colon cancer!
511
00:17:20,123 --> 00:17:20,999
[ Imitating Butters ]
Hello.
512
00:17:21,124 --> 00:17:24,544
Butters, your father called and
said you made him very upset.
513
00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:26,463
Yeah. Well, Dad's being
a little pussy, Mom.
514
00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:29,591
Butters! Where did you get
that kind of smart mouth?
515
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:31,342
Not from you dumb-asses.
That's for sure.
516
00:17:31,468 --> 00:17:33,928
Oh! You just wait
till I get home, mister!
517
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:37,474
I'll be waiting with bells on,
you old horse-bangin' skank.
518
00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:38,558
Ahh.
519
00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,685
TV: Hey!
That's some anthrax over there!
520
00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:41,853
[ Farts ]
521
00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:43,813
[ Laughs ]
522
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:48,359
[ Dramatic music plays ]
523
00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:50,487
Why did I ever do
those stupid commercials?
524
00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:52,405
All right, Jared,
you sick pervert.
525
00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:54,657
Do you have anything to say
before you die?
526
00:17:54,783 --> 00:17:57,285
Wait!
You're all making a mistake!
527
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,621
Stay back, children!
Jared wants to give you AIDS!
528
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:02,373
No! You don't understand.
Jared doesn't have AIDS AIDS.
529
00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,250
He has assistants -- two guys
530
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:06,503
that help him lose weight
that he calls his "aides."
531
00:18:06,628 --> 00:18:07,921
Hmm?
- Oh.
532
00:18:08,046 --> 00:18:11,007
You mean Jared's aides
are like my aides?
533
00:18:11,132 --> 00:18:12,258
Yes!
534
00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:14,302
Y-You mean you all thought...
535
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:15,929
Oh, my gosh!
536
00:18:16,054 --> 00:18:17,764
Oh, boy, do I feel stupid.
537
00:18:17,889 --> 00:18:19,557
Oh, we're so sorry, Jared.
538
00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:21,935
No, no. I-It was my fault.
I can't believe I-I --
539
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:24,229
I didn't even think of what
I was saying. [ Laughs ]
540
00:18:24,354 --> 00:18:27,190
So he was saying children should
have help like he had.
541
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:28,483
[ Laughs ]
Yeah!
542
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:31,986
This has got to be about the
biggest misunderstanding ever!
543
00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:33,488
[ Laughter ]
544
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:34,489
Oh, my God!
545
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,075
I told my girlfriend
I wanted her to share my aides!
546
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,202
Oh, no wonder she left!
[ Laughs ]
547
00:18:39,327 --> 00:18:40,954
[ Laughter continues ]
548
00:18:41,079 --> 00:18:43,039
Can -- Can you imagine
what we thought
549
00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:45,458
when you said
"Aides for Everyone Foundation"?
550
00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:46,376
[ Laughs ]
551
00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:48,586
Oh, brother!
[ Laughs ]
552
00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:51,589
[ Chuckles ]
H-Hey. We're all laughing.
553
00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:52,674
[ Birds chirping ]
554
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:56,010
Oh, hey, yeah. We -- We would've
never laughed about this before.
555
00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:58,138
Well, don't you see
what this means?
556
00:18:58,263 --> 00:19:03,226
It's been 22.3 years, so...
AIDS is finally funny!
557
00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:04,894
[ Crowd gasps ]
558
00:19:05,019 --> 00:19:06,604
He's right.
It's happened.
559
00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:09,649
Hey, everybody!
AIDS is finally funny!
560
00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:10,567
All right!
- [ Crowd cheering ]
561
00:19:10,692 --> 00:19:12,861
Whoo-hoo!
- Hooray!
562
00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:15,613
I knew it would be funny
one day!
563
00:19:15,738 --> 00:19:17,407
AIDS!
[ Laughter ]
564
00:19:17,532 --> 00:19:19,868
Then it's time.
We can undo the banner.
565
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,161
- [ Fanfare plays ]
- Ooh!
566
00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:22,328
Oh!
567
00:19:22,453 --> 00:19:25,165
[ Horns honking,
triumphant music playing ]
568
00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:30,170
Tom, I'm standing
in the town square,
569
00:19:30,295 --> 00:19:32,088
where just moments ago
it was declared
570
00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:34,299
that AIDS can finally
be joked about.
571
00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:36,301
What a great day for humanity.
572
00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:38,094
[ Laughs ]
AIDS quilt.
573
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:39,095
[ Laughs ]
574
00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:40,555
Oh, boy, this fantastic.
575
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,432
I so glad AIDS is funny now.
576
00:19:42,557 --> 00:19:45,059
Okay. So now do you want to use
our friend in your commercials?
577
00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:47,437
Sure. Okay.
I pay you 15 dollar.
578
00:19:47,562 --> 00:19:50,106
15 dollar?
But Jared got millions.
579
00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:51,941
Hey, I not Subway.
I Chitty Wok.
580
00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:53,860
Chitty Wok don't have
million dollar.
581
00:19:53,985 --> 00:19:55,570
Oh, God damn it!
582
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,071
Just forget the whole thing,
then!
583
00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:57,947
Okay.
584
00:19:58,072 --> 00:20:00,283
Hey, you kids know
why chicken cross the road?
585
00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:01,993
Why?
- 'Cause it had AIDS.
586
00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:03,661
[ Laughs ]
587
00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:05,997
AIDS so funny.
[ Laughs ]
588
00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:07,332
Well, so much for our money.
589
00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:09,542
Yeah, but you know,
I've learned something today.
590
00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:11,836
It would've been wrong for us
to exploit Butters' weight loss
591
00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:13,671
because lots of fat people
would've believed it
592
00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:16,341
and eaten a ton of Chinese food
instead of dieting properly.
593
00:20:16,466 --> 00:20:17,383
They'd still be fat,
594
00:20:17,508 --> 00:20:19,385
and we'd be responsible
for their shattered dreams.
595
00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:21,930
Yeah. I don't like
shattering fat peoples' dreams.
596
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:23,348
Besides, I'd get grounded.
597
00:20:23,473 --> 00:20:26,559
[ Gasps ] Oh, Jesus!
I'm supposed to be grounded!
598
00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:29,187
- [ Dramatic music plays ]
- There you are, Butters!
599
00:20:29,312 --> 00:20:30,772
Are my mom and dad
back home yet?
600
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:32,815
No, but they're due any minute.
C'mon, you're just in time!
601
00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:33,650
Oh, boy!
602
00:20:33,775 --> 00:20:36,486
Mom and Dad didn't find out
I left the house, did they?
603
00:20:36,611 --> 00:20:37,695
No.
I totally covered for you.
604
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,280
They completely believed
I was you on the phone.
605
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:40,573
Oh, g-goody!
606
00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:41,908
I drew some pictures with crayon
607
00:20:42,033 --> 00:20:43,201
so it looked like you were here
all day.
608
00:20:43,326 --> 00:20:44,619
I ate a little food
so it looked like you ate.
609
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:46,162
And I fed your cat.
- Perfect.
610
00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:48,706
I'd better get out of here
before they get back.
611
00:20:48,831 --> 00:20:50,583
Hey, Eric?
612
00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:53,419
Thanks for covering for me.
You're a real pal.
613
00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:56,256
Butters, it was my pleasure.
614
00:20:56,839 --> 00:21:00,677
[ Humming "The Tonight Show"
theme ]
615
00:21:02,512 --> 00:21:04,597
[ Continues humming ]
616
00:21:05,723 --> 00:21:07,809
[ Vehicles approaching ]
617
00:21:09,852 --> 00:21:11,813
[ Tires screeching ]
618
00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:13,064
[ Dramatic music plays ]
619
00:21:13,189 --> 00:21:15,108
[ Continues humming ]
620
00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:17,819
BUTTERS:
Hi, Mom and Dad!
621
00:21:17,944 --> 00:21:20,571
Don't you "Hi, Mom
and Dad" us, you little punk!
622
00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:21,739
[ Thud ]
Ow! Dad!
623
00:21:21,864 --> 00:21:24,367
You don't even know the trouble you're in!
624
00:21:24,492 --> 00:21:25,743
What'd I do?! What'd I do?!
625
00:21:25,868 --> 00:21:27,203
Do you think you're tough now?!
626
00:21:27,328 --> 00:21:29,038
Answer me!
- Aah!
627
00:21:29,163 --> 00:21:30,373
Oh, man, if I was older,
628
00:21:30,498 --> 00:21:33,042
I would totally start
jacking off right now.