[ Down-tempo music plays ]
[ Insects chirping ]
Thanks for having us all over for dinner, Chris and Linda.
Yes. It was fabulous.
Oh, we're just really happy that your boys
have become such good friends with our little Butters.
Yeah! We figured that if our boys are gonna be great friends,
we should all get to be friends, too.
Friends by default. [ Laughs ]
Our boys do seem to be spending a lot of time together lately.
I think ever since their friend Kenny died,
they've been looking for someone to fill the void.
Well, our son is a perfect void-filler.
It's nice that he finally has your sons
to be his best buddies.
[ Mid-tempo music playing ]
Look, you guys. Butters is asleep.
He's such a douchebag.
Hey, have you guys ever seen this trick?
When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water.
And you put their hand in it.
Yeah? And then what?
And then you pee on 'em.
[ Laughs ]
No, dude, you're supposed to put their hand in warm water
and it makes them pee.
Oh, really?
Oh, well. [ Chuckles ]
And we were thinking
since they've all become such close friends
how great it would be for us to all go together to Aspen
for a ski weekend.
Aspen? Uh, we can't really afford that.
You see, Linda and I found this ad
where you can get two nights free in a condo in Aspen
if you attend a time-share presentation.
They let you stay for free?
Yes! And all we have to do is attend a 30-minute meeting.
Well, that sounds like a good deal.
Sounds good to me. Let's go this weekend.
Oh, boy. Skiing in Aspen. I can't wait.
[A-ha's "Take On Me" plays ]
Hey, boys, we're all going to Aspen for the weekend.
[All ] All right!
Wow! A ski trip with my new best buddies!
Oh, I'm all sticky.
[ Music continues ]
BUTTERS' DAD: Here we are, everyone.
[ Music continues ]
[ Crowd cheering ]
[ Music continues ]
Oh, this is gonna be so much fun.
I haven't skied in years.
Where are Butters and Eric? - They're still asleep.
Butters, Eric, come on! We got to get to the powder.
[ Knock on door ]
Hello, folks! I'm Phil, and this is Josh.
We're with the Aspen Time-Share Company.
[All] Hello!
You folks enjoying the condo?
It's lovely. Thank you.
You guys, you guys.
You're not gonna believe this. This is so funny.
What?
So, last night while Butters was asleep,
I gave him a Hitler.
What's a Hitler? - You know!
When somebody's sleeping, you put your finger up your butt
and wipe it on their upper lip
to give them a little Hitler mustache.
You've never Hitlered anyone?
No, I never have.
Shh! Shh! Here he comes.
Good morning, fellas! All set to go skiing?
[ Laughs ]
[ Chuckles nervously ] Uh, what's so funny?
Nothing, Butters. Right, guys?
Well, we can't wait to show you
what Aspen Time-Share is offering investors.
Shall we do our 30-minute meeting?
Oh. Do we have to do it right now?
Well, best to do it and get it out of the way.
Okay.
Boys, we have to go to this time-share presentation real quick,
but you go meet your ski instructor on the bunny hill.
[All] Okay.
We'll meet you boys on the slopes.
Hey, do you guys smell that? - Smell what?
Uh, it kind of smells stinky in this condo.
[ Chuckling ]
I don't smell anything. Do you guys?
[ Laughs ]
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
Do you guys smell that? It smells bad out here, too.
I'm starting to think this whole town smells like doo-doo.
Yeah. Well, you see, that's why they call it Ass-pen.
[ Laughs ]
All right, little dudes. Great to see you out here.
My name is Thumper,
and I'm gonna be your cool ski instructor.
His name is Thumper?
We're gonna take it slow, take it easy,
make sure everybody has a good time.
'Cause what is skiing about? Having a good...
...time. That's right.
Now, just a few safety things to keep in mind.
First of all, look straight ahead when you ski.
If you look down, you're gonna fall.
You're gonna have a bad time.
Also, be aware of skiers around you.
If you run into another skier, your skis are gonna cross --
gonna have a bad time.
So where's the part where we have a good time?
Hey, little dude, you got some crap right here.
That's my face, sir.
We're gonna do this without any poles
until we know our two primary feet positions.
To go slow, we wedge our skis together
in the shape of a slice of pizza.
Then to go faster, we put them parallel like...
french fries.
You see that?
Pizza...french fries...
Pizza...french fries.
Hey, this is gonna be just like eating at Shakey's,
huh, fellas?
Let's have the little dude on the end try it first.
- What's your name? - I-I-Ike!
Okay, Mike. Ski down to me.
Go on, Ike.
Pizza.
French fries.
Pizza. French fries.
French fri-i-i-es!
Pizza-a-a-a!
Okay. You see what he did?
He french-fried when he should have pizzaed.
You french-fry when you pizza, you're gonna have a bad time.
PHIL: And so we think we can convince you
to buy one of our condos
that's opening right here in Phase IV.
That sounds like a great investment opportunity.
I'm sorry, but none of us can really afford
to own our own vacation condo.
To be honest, we're just doing this meeting
because of the two-nights-free deal.
Oh, I know. That's what everybody says.
"Not me. I can't afford it."
But what if I told you could own one of our properties
for only $8,000?
Wow!
For $8,000 we can buy a condo here?
You see, time-share means you buy the condo
with about 20 other people like yourselves.
You share the condo with other investors
and pick the time you want to stay.
"Share," "time" -- time-share!
So then it's not really ours.
Sure it is -- 1/24th and a half yours.
You see, time-share has made it possible
for even working-class people like you
to say, "I've got a little place in Aspen."
Try it. Try saying it.
"I've got a little place in Aspen."
[All ] I've got a little place in Aspen.
Rolls off the tongue nicely, doesn't it?
Say, guys, how you'd like to tell that hot secretary,
"I've got a nice little place in Aspen"?
[ Laughs ] Just kidding, wives.
Listen. Uh, it's been 30 minutes.
We'd like to go hit the slopes now.
You've still got to come to the time-share luncheon.
We did give you a free condo for the weekend.
Your ad said we only had to attend a 30-minute meeting.
Right, but this isn't that meeting.
The luncheon is that meeting.
Don't worry.
You're gonna have a great free meal at the luncheon.
French fries. Pizza.
French fries.
Come on, Cartman!
[ Grunts ] No more.
Looks like you think you're a pretty good skier, huh, kid?
I'm catching on pretty fast, I guess.
I've been skiing for 22 years.
Think you can beat me?
Uh, no.
What's your name, hotshot?
Stan Marsh.
Stan Marsh? [ Chuckles ]
Stan Darsh is more like it. [ Laughs ]
Darsh.
All right. How about a race, then?
You and me.
Dude, I'm just learning.
Ooh! [ Imitates chicken clucking ]
Looks to me like you're not such a hotshot after all.
I never said I was.
Ooh!
Ooh. - Ooh.
You may think you got what it takes,
but as long as I'm around, you'll always be number two.
See you later, Darsh.
[ Laughs ]
And that is why owning a piece of an Aspen condo
is not only possible...
It's downright smart.
Uh-huh.
Oh, here it is, as promised -- a fabulous free lunch.
Wow. Filet mignon and lobster.
Not bad.
It's nice to feel rich, isn't it?
Oh, you know, this is really great.
It sure is.
- What? - Wait.
You see, that's the great thing about time-share --
You get a little taste of luxuries you can't afford.
And then share it with the people that come tomorrow.
All right. We've been here for over three hours.
Yeah. Can we go now, please?
Of course you can. Go hit those slopes.
If you could, please show me the backs
of your table place cards real quick.
Oh, my God! You got the red sticker!
They got the red sticker? - They got the red sticker!
What's the red sticker?
Well, that means if you come up to the condo sales office,
you'll receive one of three great prizes.
No, no, no, no, no.
We did your meeting and we did your lunch.
We're finished, okay?
Okay. Okay. Fine. I mean, it would only take a second.
But, I mean, what did we do for you
except give you a free condo for the weekend?
Seems like you could just at least come up
and see what prize you got.
[ Sobbing while Down-Tempo Music Plays ]
Oh, all right!
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
Pizza. - French fries.
French fries. - Pizza.
French fries. Pizza. - Pizza to French fries.
[ Grunts ]
[ Birds chirping ]
I wonder where our parents are.
Who cares? I'm having more fun on my own.
Well, well, well. If it isn't Stan Darsh.
Oh, no.
Say, Darsh, you don't mind if I take Heather out
for some fondue tonight, do you?
Heather?
Sorry, Stan, it's just that when it comes to skiing,
Tad has all the right moves.
I just might show her my moves tonight,
if you know what I mean.
You aren't mad, are you, Stan?
I mean, a girl's got to look out for her best interests.
Who are you people?
Still don't want to race me?
I told you he was chicken, Heather.
Stan Marsh the Darsh. [ Laughs ]
All right, dude.
If I race you, will you leave me alone?
Oooh! - Ooh!
All right. Fine.
You and me at the summit. Now.
Okay.
Race! Race! - Race! Race!
[Announcer ] Ladies and gentlemen,
Aspen Mountain presents another extreme racing showdown.
Seven-time world Aspen champion Tad Mikowski
versus eight-year-old Stan Marsh!
Ha! You're going down, little boy.
Yeah, probably.
Do you think Stan has a chance?
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
[ Buzzer sounds ]
Uh, go, Stan!
[ Music continues ]
[ Crowd cheering ]
French fries. Pizza.
He's got him! Tad's gonna win it!
[ Music continues ]
[ Crowd cheering ]
Yeah! Yeaahh!
[ Crowd cheering ]
Yeah! You lose, Darsh!
Oh!
[ Crowd cheering in distance ]
Yeah!
Uh, Stan, y-you gave it your best shot,
and that's all Jesus asks of you.
Dude, I'm just happy this whole stupid thing is over with.
[ Crowd cheering ]
No hard feelings, right, Darsh?
[ Laughs ]
Yeah!
Stan, for whatever it's worth, I think you were really brave.
Thanks. Who are you?
Hey, all the cool teens
are gonna be at the youth center tonight for a dance.
I hope you'll come, because you're just so --
Well, you're just so -- Well, that's all!
Finally, we get to go skiing.
Oh, my God. Look how long the lift lines are.
Yeah. I guess these passes the time-share salesmen gave us
will come in handy.
Can I help you? - Yes.
We have the special passes
to use the exclusive lift from the time-share company.
Oh! Go right on ahead, folks.
Thank you.
Well, this certainly is nice.
Yeah, we may not have gotten to ski earlier,
but with this lift, we'll get more runs in than anybody.
Have fun waiting in line, suckers!
Whoo-hoo! - Oh, Chris.
[ Chuckles softly ]
Hey, look. This chair lift goes right into a building.
[All gasp ]
Welcome back, folks.
We've got a special new offer we can't wait to tell you about.
Oh, God damn it!
Dude, it's been 12 hours.
Where the hell are our parents?
[ Men Without Hats' "Safety Dance" playing ]
I'm glad you guys came. Do you like our youth center?
Seems fine.
Yeah. Too bad we're getting shut down.
That hotshot skier Tad's father is gonna bulldoze the building.
Where are all us kids supposed to go?
Don't care. ♪ F-F-F-F ♪
♪ E-E-E-E, T-T-T-T, Y-Y-Y-Y ♪
What do you want to do now? - I don't know.
♪ Safety dance ♪ Let's dance.
[ Music continues ]
Butters, I hate you with every inch of my body.
All right, Aspen, as a special treat tonight,
we're proud to have the winner of today's race, Tad Mikowski!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, God. Hey, everyone.
I'd like to sing a little song if I may.
- Ooh! - Ahh!
Let's go, you guys.
This is a song I wrote about Stan Marsh.
♪ Sta-a-a-n ♪
♪ Darsh ♪ [ Off-key chords playing ]
♪ Stan Darsh, Darsh, Darsh ♪
♪ Stan Darsh ♪
♪ Stan Darsh, Stan Darsh ♪
♪ Stan Da-a-a-rsh, Darsh ♪
♪ Stan Darsh ♪
Dude, what the hell is your problem?
Ooh! - Ooh!
I raced you. You won.
A rematch?
Oh, Darsh, you're even dumber than I thought.
He'll ski you anytime, anywhere.
Yeah! - Yeah!
But this time, if he wins,
you get your dad to not close our youth center.
What?
All right, then. Let's make it interesting.
Tomorrow afternoon... on the K-13.
[ Thunder crashes, dramatic music plays ]
The K-13?
But that's the most dangerous run in all of America.
Well, I'm not chicken.
Are you, Darsh?
[ Imitates chicken clucking ]
I'll be there, you queen.
Oh, yeah? - Yeah!
Oh, Darsh, you're even dumber than I thought...again.
See ya tomorrow.
[ Insects chirping ]
You're not really gonna go down that K-13 run, are you, Stan?
Dude, I have to.
Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you.
Screw him, dude.
Dude, he's got Heather!
You don't even know Heather!
I know, I know! I just...
Look, I can't explain it, but I have to do this.
I'm not gonna die. I mean, how bad can the K-13 be?
The K-13?
You don't want to go down that run.
That run's got a history.
Thirty-five people have died going down it,
and some say you can still see their ghosts up there.
It was on that very ski run
that a group of students were killed by a wolf boy
who escaped from the mental institution.
You see, that ski run was once a burial ground
to a tribe of vampire Wichika Indians
who ate the flesh of children with no eyes.
Yeah. A lot of history on that ski run.
Thank you. - Yeah.
Look, Stan.
When Kenny died, I learned how important friends are.
I'm not gonna lose another friend.
This isn't about you, Kyle.
I have to do this, okay? I have to!
So you see, it's the investment opportunity
that keeps on giving.
How many times do we have to tell you this?
We don't want to buy shares in a condo.
And we certainly don't want to pressure you.
Pressure us?
You kept us all day yesterday
and then had a chair lift bring us back.
Hey, you can leave any time you want.
Of course, that is if you don't want the super-secret fun prize
for attending the slide show.
No, we don't want the super-secret fun prize.
We just want to ski!
- Come on, everybody. - I know!
Have you ever considered going in on a time-share?
That's only a couple thousand each, Josh.
Don't listen to him. Let's just go.
My God, can you believe those people?
I hope you don't blame me for all that.
The ad did just say a 30-minute presentation.
Let's just get out of here.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Folks, I'm glad you're back, because we forgot to mention
time-share condos are still deeded properties!
[All ] Aah!
Ooh! You folks really lucked out this time.
You're visitors number 1,000.
That means you can listen to our special offer
for privileged members only.
That does it. I'm calling the police.
Mister ski instructor, I need a lot of training fast.
I'm gonna race down the K-13.
The K-13? But you're just a beginner.
If you ski out of your league, you're gonna have a bad time.
I have to do this, okay? I have to.
Alright, well, if you got to get good at something really fast,
there's only one way to do it.
Come on!
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
♪ The day is approaching to give it your best ♪
♪ And you've got to reach your prime ♪
♪ That's when you need to put yourself to the test ♪
♪ And show us a passage of time ♪
♪ We're gonna need a montage ♪
♪ A sports-training montage ♪
♪ Montage ♪
♪ Show a lot of things happening at once ♪
♪ Remind everyone of what's going on ♪
♪ And with every shot, show a little improvement ♪
♪ To show it all would take too long ♪
♪ That's called a montage ♪
♪ Even "Rocky" had a montage ♪
♪ Montage ♪
♪ In any sport if you want to go ♪
♪ From just a beginner to a pro ♪
♪ You need a montage ♪
♪ A simple little montage ♪
♪ Montage ♪
♪ Always fade out in a montage ♪
♪ Montage ♪ [ Music fades ]
♪ If you fade out, it seems like more time has passed ♪
♪ In a montage ♪
♪ Montage ♪
[ Birds chirping ]
All the ad said was we had to attend
a 30-minute meeting, right?
And it's been a day and a half.
These guys won't let us leave. - That's not true, officers.
We said they could leave at any time.
All right. Let me see if I got this straight.
You two gentlemen are offering part-time
limited liability ownership in one of your fabulous condos
for the one-time price of $8,000?!
That's right!
Sounds to me like if anybody should be arrested,
it should be you people for passing up such a great deal.
That's right. You're practically stealing condos at that price.
Book 'em, Danno. [ Laughs ]
Oh, Jesus. [ Down-tempo music plays ]
No. No!
The police work for time-share, too?
The police, the mayor,
the president of the United States.
Perhaps now you see the severity of your situation.
I think we shall all sit down and listen to the presentation.
[ Gun cocks ] Sit!
[ Music continues ]
Now, you're probably asking yourselves...
can my time-share condo turn into a profit?
What kind of cash flow can I realize from my investment?
The answer might astonish you.
For over 10 years, investors have seen their...
[Announcer] The powder is fresh, and the stage is set
for Tad versus Stan on the K-13.
This time you're not just gonna lose,
you're gonna die.
I can't lose another friend. First Kenny and now Stan.
All I'm gonna have left are you two douches.
Ready. Set. Go!
[ Up-tempo music plays ] Pizza.
Pizza.
Tad's got the lead.
Come on, Stan!
[ Music continues ]
[ Chuckles ]
This should slow down Darsh a bit.
[Announcer ] And it looks like Tad is way out in front.
[ Laughs ] Now I'll win for sure!
Oh, dude, I can't look.
[ Music continues ]
Let's see what some sand does to your speed, Darsh.
He doesn't stand a chance now.
I'm gonna beat him!
[Announcer ] The race is half over, and Tad is still out in the lead.
When Darsh skis by here, I'll let all these hamsters go.
That should distract him just long enough
for me to win the race!
Oh, Tad.
What are you doing up here?
Oh, nothing.
I just thought maybe I could distract you with these.
[ Groaning ]
Whoa.
[ Groaning ]
[ Crowd cheering ]
[ Simple Minds' "Don't You (Forget About Me)" plays ]
Good job, dude!
Thanks.
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, oh ♪
You did it, Stan.
Thanks a lot, Stan.
Now we're gonna be able to keep the youth center.
[ Crowd cheering ]
Well, that does it.
Looks like the spirits of the Wichika Indians
can finally rest in peace.
[ Ghostly voice ] Thank you, Stan.
Stan, I was wrong about you. Would you like to go out again?
Go ahead, Stan.
She's everything you ever wanted.
There you are, boys.
Mom, Dad!
Where the hell have you guys been?
We got a little held up at the time-share sales office.
Yeah, but the good news is we finally came to our senses
and bought some shares in a condo.
So we all get to come to Aspen for two weeks every year.
[All ] Aw!
What's the matter? Didn't you boys like skiing?
No!
We can't keep track of when you pizza and when you french-fries
and when the hotshot asshole skier takes your girl,
if you're supposed to race him the first time,
or train first to beat him on the really difficult mountain
so you can save the dorky- but-hot girl's youth center.
Skiing sucks!
Yeah. What a stupid sport.
[A-ha's "Take On Me" plays ]
I heard that you were the one responsible
for making Tad lose the race.
Thanks.
Yeah. Well, he really flipped when he saw these.
Quaid.
Start the reactor.
[ Music continues ]
[ off-key ] ♪ Talking away ♪
♪ I don't know what I'm to say ♪
♪ I'll say it anyway ♪
♪ Today's another day to find you ♪
♪ Shying away ♪
♪ I'll be coming for your love, okay ♪
♪ Take on ♪