♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪
♪ Timmy, Timmy, liv-a-la, Timmy! ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
And in other news, another school shooting has taken place,
this time in Idaho.
As these kinds of shootings increase,
one thing becomes clear --
Your children are not safe at school!
Oh, God! Change it, change it!
This was the second time a terrorist threat
has been made on a theme park, leaving everyone to realize
that children are not safe outside!
Oh, God! Change it!
And it seems there is a new danger to look out for --
children who are taken by strangers.
The bottom line -- children are not safe in their own homes!
Aah!
Tweek, come to the kitchen, sweetie.
We need to see you real quick.
Oh, God! They're gonna get me.
Sit down and have some coffee, son.
Tweek, there are starting to be a lot of reports on the news
about children being abducted, and we thought we should talk.
I-I saw!
You know never to talk to strangers, right, Tweek?
You can't trust anybody.
Oh, God!
Now, we don't want to alarm you, son,
but we've installed new locks on your bedroom windows and door.
It's important for you to know never to unlock them at night
for anyone except your mother and I.
Oh, Jesus! Aah!
It's just a precaution, sweetie.
Probably nothing will ever happen.
[ Insects chirping ]
No. No!
They're gonna get me. Aah!
Oh -- Oh, God. Just a dream.
[ Gasps ]
[ Wind whistling ]
Oh, my God!
[ Knock on door ]
Aah!
Tweek, this is Officer Daniels!
Now, try and stay calm,
but we believe an abductor is in your room!
Inside my room?! Oh, God!
Give it up, buddy! We've got you surrounded!
Okay, Tweek, I want you to very calmly, but quickly,
walk to the door and come out to us.
Oh, my God!
Oh. Oh. Jesus, see me through this.
[ Gun cocks ] Aah!
Bang. You're dead, Tweek.
What?!
You failed the test, son.
Didn't I tell you not to open the door for anybody
except your mother and I?
Oh, God! Oh, Jesus!
What if that had been a child abductor
pretending to be a police officer, Tweek?
He would have sprayed your brains all over the floor
and then taken your body off to the woods.
[ Screaming ]
You've got to be on your toes, Tweek.
All right. Now go to bed and get some rest.
Night, pumpkin.
[ Door locks ]
[ Whimpering ]
I hope this movie doesn't suck ass.
It will.
One, please.
Wait! That's not the usual ticket-taker guy!
So? - So I don't know him!
Dude, relax. - You relax!
What if he wants to kill me? Aah!
God. What the hell do his parents do to him?
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
Excuse me. Is this the right road to Breckenridge?
Aah!
Please. I just need to know if this is South Park.
Get away from me!
[ Breathing heavily ]
Aah!
Could you help me across the street?
I don't know you! Aah!
Oh, hey, kid!
Oh, thank God you happened by!
My chair ran out of juice right on these train tracks!
If you hadn't shown up --
Oh, anyway, could you give me a push?
Unh-unh!
No. No. You don't understand.
I'm -- I'm paralyzed from the neck down.
I push the chair with this device in front of my mouth,
but it's not working, so you see --
I'm not supposed to talk to you!
Please. This -- This isn't funny, kid.
You have to help me! - But it could be a trick!
[ Horn blares ]
Ugh! That's a pretty good trick.
[ Harp plays ]
Aah!
Relax, Tweek. I am not here to hurt you.
I am the ghost of human kindness.
The ghost of human kindness?
You have never seen the likes of me before.
What do you want?
You have lost faith in humanity, lad,
something I cannot bear to see happen.
Uh, how can I help it?
It seems like everywhere I turn, someone is out to get me!
That is the world that the news reports.
It is the world that adults preoccupy themselves with.
But it is not the world as it is.
It isn't?
[ Down-tempo music plays ] Look here, Tweek.
This woman is on her way to the retirement home.
She doesn't get paid.
She volunteers her time to talk with lonely elderly people
who want nothing more than a friend.
But do you hear about her on the news?
No.
Now gaze upon this humble house, Tweek.
Inside, there are two people who have adopted needy children.
They were strangers to those kids once.
Now they are loving parents.
[ Music continues ]
Now look here, boy.
A car has broken down with a flat tire,
and two complete strangers have stopped to help.
Will their kindness be reported on the news tomorrow?
I think not.
Are you starting to understand, boy?
I think so.
You mean that even though all the news is about murderers
and abductors, those kind of people
only make up a very small part of the world.
That's right, lad.
So do you think you can learn to trust people now?
I'll try.
Good.
Then why don't you get into the back of my van,
and I'll drive you home?
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Your van?
[ Sirens wailing ]
All right, Johnson! Give it up!
Damn, damn, damn, damn!
Oh, I was so close!
What the hell is going on?
Tweek! Tweek, are you okay?
Did he hurt you, son? - No!
Then we aren't too late. His name is Frederick Johnson.
He's been abducting children by dressing up
like the ghost of human kindness for over a year now.
And I would have gotten away with it again
if it weren't for you meddling policemen!
What's going on?
A stranger was caught trying to abduct the Tweek boy!
An abductor in our town?
Oh, my God. What are we gonna do?
[All ] Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
People, people, calm down.
Well, what are we gonna do, Mayor?
We have to stop these abductors
from being able to get into our town!
[All ] Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
Yes, but standing out here yelling,
"Rabble, rabble, rabble" isn't going to help anything.
But we don't know what else to do, Mayor!
[All ] Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
People, what do you think we need to do?
Uh...well, we need to find a way
to close our town off from unwanted strangers!
Yes. We need a barrier to protect our kids!
[All ] Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
Wait. That's it -- a wall.
We could build a huge city wall all around South Park
so that we have complete control over who comes in.
That's not a bad idea -- a city wall.
But who can we get to build it?
[Asian folk music plays ]
And so we want you to design and build
a great wall all around the city.
I don't build wall!
I just own and operate Chitty Wok!
We just think you're the best person to put up a wall.
We're sure you've got it in your blood.
Oh, I get it.
Just because I Chinese, you think I build a wall!
That is bullshit!
I'm not a stereotype, okay?
Just because I Chinese doesn't mean I go around building wall!
I'm just a normal person like all of you.
I eat rice and drive really slow just like the rest of you!
I'm not a stereotype!
Please, Mr. Tuong Lu Kim.
Your ancestors put up a great wall
that kept Mongolians out for thousands of years.
We know you can do it for us.
[ Birds chirping ]
[ Horses neighing ]
[ Men shouting ]
Hey. Hey, hey!
Hey, what the hell you doing?
- [ Shouting in native language ] - Mongolian?
What the hell Mongolian doing here?
[ Shouting continues ]
Hey, fuck you, Mongolian! Don't you break down my wall!
Get out of here! Fucking Mongolian!
[ Shouting in native language ]
God damn it.
How come every time us Chinese put up a wall,
stupid Mongolians have to come and knock it down?
Stan, our abduction problems are over.
We got the new child tracker.
Child tracker?
It's a little electrical device
that can tell us where you are anywhere on Earth.
If anybody takes you, we'll be able to locate
your exact location within two meters.
There. I think that's got it.
[ Beeping ]
Dude, no way. I'm not wearing child tracker.
You can barely even tell you have one on.
I'm not going to school like this!
What will the other guys say? - I wouldn't worry about that.
[ Beeping ]
So weak.
So weak, dude. Man.
Why did you have to go and be abducted, Tweek?
Now all our parents are freaking out.
I didn't mean to!
[Asian folk music plays ]
Okay. Finally.
[ Hoofbeats ]
Oh, no.
[ Horses neighing, swords clanging ]
[ Gong clangs ]
It's those goddamn Mongolian again!
Stop! Stop right there, Mongolian!
God damn it! Stop!
Stop breaking down my chitty wall, you stupid Mongolian!
[ Swords clanging ]
All right, you sons of bitches! You --
What the hell?
[ Horses neighing, swords clanging ]
Oh, shit!
[ Men shouting ]
Oh! Goddamn Mongolian!
I gonna get you! Fucking Mongolian!
Stop breaking my chitty wall!
Oh, God damn it!
[ Shouting in native language ]
That's the last time you gonna break down my chitty wall!
You hear me, Mongolian?!
Goddamn Mongolians.
[ Crowd cheering ]
All right, Cows.
We're gonna go out there and we're gonna give 'em hell!
But wait. Where's the other team?
There is no other team. - Huh?
Well, we put a wall around the city to keep outsiders out.
You don't think we want a bunch of strangers
coming in and playing ball, do you?
But if there's no other team, that won't be any fun.
Don't worry. It'll still be fun for us.
[ Slurping ] - [ Slurping ]
[All slurping ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Chanting ] Go, Cows! Go, Cows!
Go, Cows! Go, Cows!
Play ball!
Steeeee-rike!
[ Cheering ]
South Park Cows do it again!
Congratulations on your victory, boys.
Dude, we weren't playing anybody!
Yeah, and you kicked ass! - [ Crowd cheering ]
Isn't it awesome having a great wall around our city?
Nobody in town except for our good friends!
[ Cheering ] Great wall! Great wall!
Hey, shh! Quiet, everybody!
And this newest study reveals more about child abductions
than we apparently knew before, Tom.
Turn it up. - That's right, Chris.
This newest study shows that the majority of child abductions
are not committed by strangers,
but by somebody the child knows in their own town!
[ Down-tempo music plays ] The report further states
that it is because the child trusts the individual
that problems occur in the first place.
Well, I guess this means
the enemy is in our own backyard, so to speak.
Sure does, Tom.
All right. Thanks, Chris. Is the weather going to turn --
Well, if you'll excuse us, I think we'll be going now.
Yeah. Come along, Kyle.
Stanley, time for us to get back to the house.
I'm not done with my pizza. - Now, Stanley!
[Asian folk music plays ]
[ Grunting ]
There we go. All finished.
My Mongolian missile-defense system.
Those Mongolians try to break down my chitty wall again,
they gonna get a big, heat-seeking missile surprise!
[ Hoofbeats ]
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Oh! Hello, Mongolian! Yeah.
You come to break down my chitty wall?
Oh, you gonna throw that baseball at my wall?
Oh, no. Not a baseball. I'm pretty scared.
Well, you know what?
I might have something here
that's a little bigger than a baseball!
Say hello to my little friend!
Oh, crap.
[ Groans ]
[ Laughter ]
Goddamn Mongolian!
You break down my chitty wall last time!
Dude, this is worse than child tracker.
It's okay, boys. Just act as if we weren't here.
Right. Do what you normally would do.
You're such a fat-ass, Cartman.
At least I'm not a stupid Jew.
Wha-Wha-What?!
[ Bell rings ]
M'kay, kids.
So now who can tell me
what year the first moon landing took place?
Uh, how about you, Clyde?
[ Whispering ]
No helping.
M'kay, I'm not really sure having all the parents here
is a good idea, m'kay?
Well, maybe things would be better
if we could trust people like the Stotches!
Us? Your family has always been the shifty-eyed ones!
Oh, yeah?!
[All shouting ]
Oh, this is too much to take.
Mom, Dad, could you please leave me alone?
We just want to make sure nobody hurts you, junior, m'kay?
M'kay.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Laughs ] My master plan!
When those Mongolians come next time,
I pour this sweet-and-sour pork on their heads.
Sweet-and-sour pork so hot and sticky,
Mongolians will stick right to the wall and scream, "Ooh!"
I can't wait.
[Asian folk music plays ]
Oh, I get it.
A Trojan Mongolian horse.
Mongolians are hiding inside
thinking that I'll bring it in the chitty wall.
Then Mongolians pop out and destroy wall from inside out
without getting sweet-and-sour pork on their head!
Okay. I'll play along.
Oh! Oh, look!
Look. My very own Mongolian Trojan horse.
Gee, what a surprise.
I guess Mongolians aren't such crappy, smelly people after all.
Yeah.
Great. Wow.
Yeah, what a great present.
I just gonna push it inside the gate
and show it to all my friends.
Aah!
Oh! It's sweet-and-sour pork!
[ Men shouting, horses neighing ]
Oh!
[ Muffled ] I'm gonna get you Mongolians
if it's the last thing I do!
And so all the residents of Manhattan
are prepared to evacuate
if Ms. Clinton's ass gets any bigger.
And in other news,
new findings on the increase in child abductions.
Oh, Jesus. Turn it up, honey.
The study shows that the most likely abductors of children
are the parents themselves!
The study reveals that 9 out of every 10 abduction cases
are committed by the child's mother or father.
The bottom line being that your children aren't safe --
even from you!
[ Theme music plays ]
Where are you going?
I'm just going to go upstairs
and see if Tweek is still in his bed.
Oh? I think I'll go with you.
It's okay. I can do it.
I just want to make sure that you --
That I don't abduct him?
How do I know that you haven't done it already?
Me?! I would never abduct our son!
That's not what the new study says!
But what are we supposed to do?
How can we protect Tweek from ourselves?
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Here you go, Stanley.
This should hold you over for three years.
But why do I have to leave?
The news says that at your age you aren't safe with us, son.
You have to get out of here before we abduct you.
Goodbye, son. Remember to eat right.
Look out for your brother, Kyle. You're the man now.
Oh, boys, don't ever forget that we love you!
[Adults sobbing ]
Be careful out there! [ Sobs ]
[ Music continues ]
Where are we supposed to go?
We can't tell you because we can't know where you are!
Oh, this is terrible! [ Sobs ]
Go on, kids! Go!
Go and don't look back!
[Adults sobbing ]
Goodbye, kids. We'll never forget you.
[ Crying continues ]
[ Horn sounds ]
Dude, sometimes I think our parents are really stupid.
[ Birds chirping ]
Oh. Hey, dog.
Over here. Over here, dog.
Got some sweet-and-sour for you.
Good dog!
That's it! Keep licking, dog!
[ Laughing ]
I'm free, Mongolians!
And now I'm going to make you pay!
MAN: Finally, some good news tonight.
It's been several days
since any child abductions have taken place.
The main reason -- parents don't know where their children are.
[ Sighs ]
What's the matter?
Oh, it's just -- I was wondering if Stan's okay.
Oh, I'm sure he's made it somewhere safe by now.
Do you really think we did the right thing, Randy,
sending all the young kids in town off to live on their own?
Sweetheart, you saw the news. - I know.
Don't you worry.
I'm sure that Stan and all the other kids
are somewhere safe, off in a whole new city by now,
making a new life for themselves.
Tah tane da ke ab kahleh kalabush.
Bi ologad bag, big nan dastai.
[ Laughter ]
De bandig baeakhalah?
Tawya mea pleda cleah bleah.
Triben fak burushban.
[All ] Shain balag!
[Asian folk music plays ]
[ Gong clangs ]
All right, Mongolians!
Your only way through this wall is through me!
This is my last stand!
I'm gonna do my war dance now.
[ Speaking native language ]
[ Drums clanging ]
Does my war dance scare you, Mongolians?
Yeah, you think you want a piece of this?
[ Speaking native language ]
This is the ancient Chinese dance of --
Oh, hello, kids.
Be careful. There's Mongolians up there.
[ Speaking native language ]
[ Drums clanging ]
[ Birds chirping ]
Oh, crap.
[ Laughter ]
What's going on? - I heard an explosion!
Goddamn Mongolians attack chitty wall again!
[ Laughter ]
Mongolians?
What the hell are they doing here?
Rabble! Rabble, rabble!
[All ] Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
Wait a minute.
Those Mongolians are... our children.
Ike?! Kyle?!
My son has become a Mongolian?
No! No!
Oh, God. What have we done?
We sent our children away,
and now they don't even remember who they are.
Kids, don't you remember us?
Wait, wait. I learned some Mongolian in college.
Uh, let's see.
Uh, kids, uh...bi kute.
Bi sonik kute.
Tod kasbara...
Oh, my God. Our parents are so stupid, dude.
Bi kute.
We are your parents.
You used to live here with us.
Yeah! It was like four days ago!
They're starting to remember!
[ Slowly ] Stan.
Your name is Stan.
Uh-huh. Stan Marsh.
That's it! Remember, son!
Remember!
[Adults sobbing ]
We're sorry, Tweek!
Are you okay, Clyde?
Oh, son, can you ever forgive us?
Uh, I'm over here, Dad.
Oh.
We're sorry, kids.
We just let all those sensationalist news reports
go to our heads!
Oh, my God. Do you see what this means?
The ghost of human kindness was right all along.
You mean how he said we should trust each other
or how he abducted children?
The, uh, -- No, no.
The part about being more trusting.
We should follow what he said, not what he did.
Yeah! - Oh. Oh, yeah!
No, no. You know who was right all along?
The Mongolians. [ Gong clangs ]
They knew that you can't just wall yourself off
from the outside world.
Putting walls up never helps anything.
Tearing them down brings us together.
Oh! - Right.
Yeah, the Mongolians were right. Yeah.
Oh, you better not say what I think you gonna say.
Mr. Lu Kim, tear down this wall!
Oh, God! I hate this whole chitty!
Randy, can we just take our son home now?
Yes. Kids, with us, now come.
Home.
[ Slowly ] Home.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
Jesus Christ, dude.
They've done some stupid crap before, but Jesus Christ.
I gonna get you! Fucking Mongolian!