♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
Oh, my God.
You guys are not gonna believe what happened to me last night.
What? Tell us.
So, I'm watching the season premiere of "Boy Meets Boy,"
and then "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" comes on, right?
So I fall asleep in front of the TV, and when I wake up,
I see that I've spilled the Coke I was drinking
all over my satin pajama top.
Oh, my gosh. Are you serious? That was the cutest top ever!
I know!
Mrph hmhm mrph hmhm rm mrph rmh rmphm.
Oh, tell me about it, Ken doll.
Hey, dudes.
[Laughs]
What a dork!
What? - Nice jacket, Kyle!
Polyester is really the hot fabric this fall!
[Laughs]
But -- But this is the jacket I always wear.
You got to get with the times, girlfriend.
Yeah. That jacket is so September 10th!
Oh, my God. You've got splotches on your neck.
Are you using any exfoliating products at all?
We can't let Kyle out in public like this, you guys.
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Come on, Kyle. We're giving you a makeover!
♪ You came into my life ♪
♪ And my world never looked so bright, yeah ♪
♪ It's true you bring out the best in me ♪
♪ When you are around ♪
♪ All things just keep getting better ♪
♪ All things, all things ♪
♪ Things keep getting better ♪
♪ Life keeps getting better and better ♪
♪ All things just keep getting better ♪
[TV Announcer] Coming up next on HBC,
it's "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"!
We have got to get you some tighter-fitting shirts!
Then it's "Boy Meets Boy", followed by "Will and Grace",
and then "The Love Boat... With Men."
My goodness, there certainly are a lot of gay shows
on television these days.
Yeah.
I think it's great that gays are finally being so accepted.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
[Screams]
Kyle, what's happened to you?
I'm just trying to fit in, Daddy.
Don't be such a drama queen.
[Suspenseful music plays]
Oh, my God! Come on, Sheila.
We better go tell the other parents what's going on!
[Doorbell rings, pounding on door]
Oh, hi, Gerald, Sheila. - Hi, Sharon.
Uh, we need to talk to you about the boys.
Sure. Come on in. The guys are all watching TV.
Oh, is the game on or something?
[Up-tempo music playing]
Hey! Gerald! How are you?
- Hi, Gerald! - Gerald!
Sit down, Ger-Ger.
"Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is on.
Oh, no. You guys all turned gay, too?
[Laughter]
Not gay, Gerald. Metrosexual.
What's that?
Just because a guy cares about how he looks
and is in touch with his feminine side
doesn't mean he's gay anymore!
Metrosexual means you're straight
but you appreciate the gay culture.
It's super fabulous. Would you like some shiraz?
Shiraz is great. - Don't our men look amazing?
Haven't you seen "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," Sheila?
These five gay men go around
and show straight men how to better themselves.
It's the best!
It is?
Well, sure, Sheila.
Our husbands are all so clean and neat.
My Randy irons his clothes and even has pedicures!
And they like to talk about their feelings now
and drink wine and decorate the house!
My Steven shaved his chest and his balls!
Ooh, I love it!
And how about our boys, huh?
Ever since gay culture became cool, our boys bathe every night
and brush their teeth three times a day.
This is the greatest thing ever.
I don't know.
Sometimes boys take cultural fads too far.
[Bell rings]
Dude, I can't wait for Wendy to see how gay I look!
That's true, you guys.
When the chicks at school see how gay we are,
they're gonna be all over us.
Mrph-mrph!
All right. Let's work it!
What the...
Toodle-oo, Conner. See ya after classies.
Okay, sweetums.
Oh, my God. Where is my homework?
I am fuh-reaking out!
Hey, dudes. [Up-tempo music plays]
Hey, Craig.
You guys look pretty gay.
Thanks!
Not as gay as us, though.
Oh, please, Craig. We're 10 times gayer than you!
Oh, yeah? We're super-duper triple-dog gay!
Oh, yeah?
We're ultra-super-stamp-it- stamp-it-no-erasies-mega gay!
What's all this fighting about, children?
These guys are trying to say they're gayer than us!
Oh, no!
Don't tell me you children
have taken up this whole metrosexual fad, too.
Oh my God.
This is not a fad. This is who we are.
No, it isn't.
Last year, you children were all trying to be black.
Now you're all trying to be gay.
We're metrosexual!
Maybe, but you'll never be as metrosexual as us.
Come on, fags. [Snaps fingers]
God, I hate Craig!
That son of a -- gah.
Chef...I don't feel very metrosexual.
Well, then don't buy into this fad, Kyle.
Be who you are, not what's cool.
[Bell rings]
All right, children. Let's take our seats.
[All] Good morning, Mr. Garrison.
Well, d-don't you all look nice.
Ooh. Timmy. [Door opens]
[Door closes]
Dude, what are you doing?
I didn't feel comfortable in that stuff, dude.
I'm just being me.
Ha! Told you you guys were straight.
We're not straight. You're straight!
- You're straight!
You're straight like a freeway.
What the hell is going on?
You wish you were gay, Craig! In your dreams!
I'm not just gay. I'm a catamite.
S-So? I'm half bisexual.
Oh, stop it! You kids don't even know what you're talking about!
Eric, you're not half bi!
I'm like a quarter bi.
My grandpa was bi, so that makes me quarter bi.
What?!
It was the craziest thing I've ever seen, Mr. Slave.
All the children were suddenly acting like
being gay was cool.
I mean, maybe we're not
the only gay couple in town anymore.
Oh. Jesus Christ.
[Up-tempo music playing]
Look at that, Mr. Slave.
Our cup runneth over.
Jesus Christ.
Mr. Garrison, those are great pants.
Thanks, Jimbo. I really like your outfit, too.
So -- So, Jimbo, you want to come back to my place
with me and Mr. Slave?
Uh, for what?
Well, you know.
No. - Huh.
Mr. Garrison. Hey, doll.
Oh, hey, Randy.
You're looking ultra fabulous.
Thanks. You too.
So, uh, Randy...
you want me to give you a hand job in the bathroom?
N-No, thanks. I'm -- I'm not like that.
Not -- Not like that?
How about some shiraz, guys?
Oh, thanks, Mr. Tweek.
My pleasure, silly buns.
Oh.
Well, Mr. Tweek, why don't we, uh, go back to my place?
Why?
Well, you know, I was just thinking
we could put on some music and watch videos
and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass.
Ooh. Jesus Christ.
Oh! Goodness, no. I-I'm straight.
Straight? Oh...
Oh, what -- Just what the hell is going on here?!
[Music stops] Huh?
Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?
Well, we don't pound butt, Mr. Garrison. We're straight.
Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!
Hey, now, that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.
No, your shoes say you take it in the butt.
It's okay, Mr. Garrison.
We've learned that gays are totally cool.
You're just one of us now.
Yeah. - Yeah.
One of you?! [Glass breaks]
We spend our whole lives trying not to be one of you!
You can't do this to us!
Have you guys seen this?
It's a conditioner that you can leave in,
and it detoxifies the scalp.
Wow. Is that from Origins?
Yeah. It's a charcoal-based thing that --
Hey, guys, you want to go throw the football around?
Guys, can I talk to you over here for a second?
Look, guys, a lot of the kids in school are talking, okay?
And they're spreading rumors that we're not metrosexuals
because we hang out with Kyle.
Well, what can we do about it?
We have no choice, you guys.
We're just gonna have to kill Kyle.
What?! That's stupid. We wouldn't have to kill Kyle.
We would just have to tell him not to hang around us anymore.
Oh. You know, you're right, Stan.
We just have to tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore.
Yeah. Wait. What? - You hear that, Kenny?
Stan thinks we should tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore.
I think he's right.
Good luck telling him, Stan. I know it won't be easy.
Hey, butch boy. Nice football you got there.
[Laughter]
When was the last time you had a manicure, straight man?
Yeah. Let's see that hair.
Look! He's not even using any product!
[ Laughter ]
Hey, what's going on?
Oh, here come the butch boys to help their butchy little friend.
He's not our friend.
Stan? [Down-tempo music plays]
This playground is for metrosexuals, macho man.
Take your nonflaming ass to some other school.
Come on. Let's get him. - Kick his ass!
[Indistinct shouting]
[Birds chirping]
[Down-tempo music plays]
Kyle! What happened to you?
[Sniffles]
I got beat up at school... for being different.
What?!
Your classmates beat you up for being a Jew?
No! For not being a metrosexual.
Gerald! Gerald, get down here.
He-e-e-re I come! [Up-tempo music plays]
[Camera shutter clicking]
Oh, no! Dad's metrosexual, too?!
Kyle! You look terrible!
The boys at school beat him up, Gerald.
Oh, really? Well, don't you worry, Kyle.
We can cover that black eye up with some cream base,
and the coat and pants we'll bleach with an acid wash
for a fun, vintage look.
Aah! Just leave me alone!
[TV] There you go. Now you look fabulous.
You see that?
A spray-on tan does wonders for your look.
[Growls]
Let's get down to the tango class and learn some new steps.
That does it! I know what I have to do.
[Doorbell rings]
Oh. Hello, Mr. Garrison.
Chef, can I talk to you?
Sure. Come on in.
Thanks. Come, slave.
It's just awful, Chef.
I used to feel like an outsider,
a totally different person who stood out in this town.
Now every straight guy is acting gayer than me!
Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ!
Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture?
Oh.
Well, we black people just always tried to stay
out in front of them. - How did you do that?
Well, like with our slang.
Black people always used to say "I'm in the house"
instead of "I'm here."
But then white people all started to say "in the house,"
so we switched it to "in the hizzouse."
"Hizzouse" became "hizzizzouse."
And then white folk started saying that,
and we had to change it to "heezie," then "in the hizzle,"
which we had to change to "hizzle for zizzle."
And now because white people say "hizzle for zizzle,"
we have to say "flippity floppity floop."
We don't have time for all that, Chef.
Oh, if only those "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" people
understood what they were doing.
Wait. That's it!
I know exactly what to do!
Come on, Mr. Slave!
Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop.
Oh, no! Damn it, don't call it that.
[Whistle blows]
One ticket to New York, please.
You're going to New York alone?
I'm going to see the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" people.
Ooh! Great idea. They can help you with those dated clothes.
Ugh.
[Bell clanging]
[Dramatic music plays]
[Music continues]
Mr. Garrison?
Kyle. What are you doing here?
I'm going to New York
to kill the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" people.
What?! That's what I'm doing!
Oh, no. They ruined my life. I get to kill them first.
They took gay culture from real gays,
and their asses are ours!
I thought of it first! - No, you didn't! No, you didn't!
Did so! Did so!
I thought of it yesterday! - I thought of it two days ago!
I thought of it before you were born!
Stop it, you two! Stop it!
Don't you see how crazy this is?
Oh, you're right, Mr. Slave.
We can both kill them together.
Cool.
Wow. We look great!
Yeah. Let's see Craig outgay us now.
Boys, boys, come on!
There's a sale down at Express for Men!
[Up-tempo music plays]
Hey, guys, there's a sale at Express for Men!
Oh, my God! - Sale at Express?!
Let's go! - Let's go!
You guys have got to see these shoes I bought!
Hurry, you guys! The mall closes in seven hours!
Oh, why can't we all live at the mall?
You know, I'm starting to think
this whole metrosexual thing isn't so great.
I know what you mean.
All my husband ever does now is look at himself in the mirror.
He cares more about how he looks than how I look.
I hope something happens soon to put an end to this whole fad.
Guys, you've done a terrific job.
"Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is our number-one show.
[Cheering]
What can I say? We're fabulous.
You guys are changing the world.
And tomorrow, we're gonna have you make over
the president of the United States!
Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna faint.
[Knock on door]
Room service.
What? We didn't order any room service.
Oh. Well, the woman at the front desk sent it up.
Carol? I'll have to check on this.
Excuse me a minute, fellas.
[Suspenseful music plays]
Clear!
Okay, Mr. Slave!
[ Grunts ] Jesus...Christ.
Well, crap. That didn't work.
You better shut up, Craig. - Everyone knows it's true.
It is not! - Is so.
Craig, behave yourself.
Yeah, Stanley. What are you fighting about?
Dad, Craig's trying to say that his dad can outdress you.
What? Son, that's a silly thing to fight about.
Yeah. Everyone already knows I dress better than Randy.
Oh, really?
I mean, you do have the fashion sense of a Japanese woman.
Ooh! - Ooh!
Please, girlfriend.
You look like some kind of Little Orphan Annie nightmare.
Oh, no! - Burn!
Oh, stop it. Will you all just stop it?!
Look, you guys are carrying this fad too far.
Will you please stop acting this way?
You don't...like us being metrosexual?
[All] No!
Well, you know what I think?
I think you're all metrophobic!
[All] Yeah! - What?
We shouldn't be fighting amongst ourselves.
We should be uniting against metrophobes like these.
This is crazy.
Crazy, different, outcasts -- call us what you want.
But us metros are real people, just like you.
You can metro-bash us all you want, but we're here to stay.
Yeah, Mom. We're proud of who we are.
That's right -- proud. You know what I think, guys?
I think we should have a metrosexual-pride parade.
Great idea, Eric -- raise metrosexual awareness!
We can make floats and decorate them with streamers and flowers.
Mrph-mrph! - Come on, fellas!
Out of the malls and into the streets!
[All] Out of the malls and into the streets!
Out of the malls and into the streets!
What the hell did that show do to them?
You sure you don't want to press charges?
That's okay, Officer.
I think they learned murder is wrong.
Especially in those pants.
Look, guys, we're sorry we tried to murder you,
but you have to stop what you're doing.
Are you crazy? We're the hottest thing on TV.
But don't you see the price?
You're selling out your own kind.
Look, us gays have created a lifestyle,
a-a culture that is uniquely ours.
If we keep trying to make straight people into us,
we're gonna have no identity left.
[Down-tempo music plays]
Sorry, Charlie. No sale.
But -- But this doesn't make sense!
How can gay men do this to their own people?!
Unless...you're not gay at all.
[Deep voice] You just had to push it, didn't you?
[Deep voice] Just had to keep asking questions.
[Deep voice] Now you know the truth.
They aren't gay? Then what are they?
[Deep voice] For a thousand years,
our kind have lived beneath the earth's crust,
banished by man in the kindling wars.
Oh my God.
[Dramatic music plays]
[Fabric ripping]
We are the crab people!
[Screams]
Jesus Christ!
[All Chanting] Crab people...crab people.
[Down-tempo music plays]
[Claws clicking]
[All Chanting] Crab people...crab people...
crab people.
See now where we have been forced to live
for a thousand years.
But soon we shall rule the land above,
and mankind will be gone!
Gone?!
[All Chanting] Crab people...crab people.
Crab people are too small and weak to take over man by force,
and so we came up with our perfect plan.
[All Chanting] Crab people...
[Music continues]
[High-pitched voice] If you can't beat man, change man.
I knew it.
I knew gay people would never do this to their own kind.
When all the world is metrosexual,
the crab people shall finally reign supreme!
[All Chanting] Crab people...crab people.
Tastes like crab, talk like people.
[All Chanting] Crab people.
You'll never turn me into a metrosexual!
I like being a dirty, filthy little boy!
Very well.
If we can't make you into metrosexuals,
then we will make you into crab people.
Take them!
[Claws clicking]
♪ All things just keep getting better ♪
♪ You came into my life ♪ [All Chanting] Crab people.
♪ And my world never looked so bright, yeah ♪
[All chanting] Crab people.
♪ It's true you bring out the best in me ♪
[All chanting] Crab people.
♪ When you are around ♪
[All chanting] Crab people.
♪ All things just keep getting better ♪
[All chanting] Crab people.
Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado,
where the first annual Metrosexual Pride Parade
is under way.
Whoo-hoo! - Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
Yeah! - Metro pride!
[Chanting, clapping hands] We're here! We're not queer!
But we're close! Get used to it!
We're here! We're not queer!
But we're close! Get used to it!
That does it. I can't take it anymore!
I should have never wished for a cleaner, neater husband.
Ladies, get your things. I know what we have to do.
[Indistinct shouting]
Whoa! Look out!
[Glass breaking]
Oh, my God! It's on fire!
Put it out! Put it out!
I can't do anything. These are brand-new pants.
The heat could really damage our hair.
We'd better let the police handle this.
Are you crazy? I just had my uniform pressed.
Oh, Jesus! It's burning! - Oh, my God!
Put it out! Put it out! - Jesus!
Fire!
[Up-tempo music plays]
Mr. President, it is such an honor to make you over.
Now, we've got to do something with your hair.
And your nails are filthy. Let's get those clean.
This is gay gold!
Stop them! They're crab people!
They cannot see or hear us, foolish man.
Now stand by and watch
as your pitiful race becomes helpless!
That is very good, Mr. President.
Now put on this silk jacket.
No, Mr. President! Don't do it!
[Muffled] Help! - You bastards.
That looks great. Now, how about some moisturizer?
[Dramatic music plays]
There they are! Get 'em!
What?
You turned our husbands into whiny little wusses!
It's payback time!
[Indistinct shouting]
Oh, my God! What are they doing?
No! No!
[Shouting, glass breaking]
Wha-- What have you done?
We're sorry, but we didn't have a choice.
You see, at first we liked
having our men be clean and neat.
We thought that having them use product in their hair
and wanting facials would make them sexier,
but it doesn't.
That's right.
Even though my Stephen sicks me out sometimes,
it's his rugged, manly grossness that I'm attracted to.
We're sorry, but we knew that the only answer
was to kill the "Queer Eye" guys.
Well, you're going to jail for th--
[Rumbling] Wait a minute. What is that?
No! Our evil plans!
[Weakly] No.
Oh my God.
They were crab people.
Yes!
They were trying to systematically make men
into wusses so they could take over the world.
Mom! - Kyle!
I should have known they were crab people.
They tried this before with "The Jeffersons".
So now can you please change your network's programming?
Yes.
I think this gay fad is over.
Gentlemen, back to studio 12.
We're gonna bring back the Latin fad.
[Mid-tempo music plays]
Hey, eses.
Hey, jefe. You want some cerveza?
[Bell rings]
Kyle.
Hey, ese, you want to come play catch with us?
What? You want me to hang out with you?
Yeah, it's cool, homes.
No, dude, it really isn't cool.
You all turned your backs on me.
You're supposed to be my best friends, and you just --
you treated me like nothing.
And now you all expect me to just forget it all
and hang out with you again like nothing happened?
Oh, Jesus, Kyle. Don't be such a whiny little gaywad.
Come play catch with us.
Yeah. Don't be such a fag, dude.
God damn it.