1 00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:11,929 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪ 2 00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:13,806 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪ 3 00:00:13,931 --> 00:00:15,683 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪ 4 00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,686 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ 5 00:00:18,811 --> 00:00:20,688 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪ 6 00:00:20,813 --> 00:00:22,440 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪ 7 00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:25,484 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪ 8 00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:28,988 Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! 9 00:00:29,113 --> 00:00:33,325 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪ 10 00:00:36,037 --> 00:00:36,746 Oh, my God. 11 00:00:36,871 --> 00:00:38,831 You guys are not gonna believe what happened to me last night. 12 00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:39,707 What? Tell us. 13 00:00:39,832 --> 00:00:42,418 So, I'm watching the season premiere of "Boy Meets Boy," 14 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,420 and then "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" comes on, right? 15 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,464 So I fall asleep in front of the TV, and when I wake up, 16 00:00:46,589 --> 00:00:48,090 I see that I've spilled the Coke I was drinking 17 00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:49,592 all over my satin pajama top. 18 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:52,636 Oh, my gosh. Are you serious? That was the cutest top ever! 19 00:00:52,762 --> 00:00:53,596 I know! 20 00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:55,973 Mrph hmhm mrph hmhm rm mrph rmh rmphm. 21 00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:58,059 Oh, tell me about it, Ken doll. 22 00:00:58,184 --> 00:00:59,268 Hey, dudes. 23 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,773 [Laughs] 24 00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:04,857 What a dork! 25 00:01:04,982 --> 00:01:06,650 What? - Nice jacket, Kyle! 26 00:01:06,776 --> 00:01:08,778 Polyester is really the hot fabric this fall! 27 00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:09,695 [Laughs] 28 00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:11,822 But -- But this is the jacket I always wear. 29 00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:14,075 You got to get with the times, girlfriend. 30 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,160 Yeah. That jacket is so September 10th! 31 00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:17,912 Oh, my God. You've got splotches on your neck. 32 00:01:18,037 --> 00:01:19,705 Are you using any exfoliating products at all? 33 00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:21,749 We can't let Kyle out in public like this, you guys. 34 00:01:21,874 --> 00:01:22,792 Mrph rmhmhm rm! 35 00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,627 Come on, Kyle. We're giving you a makeover! 36 00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:26,629 ♪ You came into my life ♪ 37 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:30,633 ♪ And my world never looked so bright, yeah ♪ 38 00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:33,511 ♪ It's true you bring out the best in me ♪ 39 00:01:33,636 --> 00:01:35,429 ♪ When you are around ♪ 40 00:01:35,554 --> 00:01:37,973 ♪ When you are around ♪ 41 00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:40,810 ♪ All things just keep getting better ♪ 42 00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:41,852 ♪ All things, all things ♪ 43 00:01:41,977 --> 00:01:43,854 ♪ Things keep getting better ♪ 44 00:01:43,979 --> 00:01:46,065 ♪ Life keeps getting better and better ♪ 45 00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:49,026 ♪ All things just keep getting better ♪ 46 00:01:49,944 --> 00:01:51,904 [TV Announcer] Coming up next on HBC, 47 00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:54,115 it's "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"! 48 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:57,034 We have got to get you some tighter-fitting shirts! 49 00:01:57,159 --> 00:02:00,371 Then it's "Boy Meets Boy", followed by "Will and Grace", 50 00:02:00,496 --> 00:02:03,499 and then "The Love Boat... With Men." 51 00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:06,293 My goodness, there certainly are a lot of gay shows 52 00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:07,545 on television these days. 53 00:02:07,670 --> 00:02:08,295 Yeah. 54 00:02:08,420 --> 00:02:11,006 I think it's great that gays are finally being so accepted. 55 00:02:11,132 --> 00:02:13,342 Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. 56 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:14,426 [Screams] 57 00:02:14,552 --> 00:02:16,095 Kyle, what's happened to you? 58 00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:17,596 I'm just trying to fit in, Daddy. 59 00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:19,181 Don't be such a drama queen. 60 00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:20,850 [Suspenseful music plays] 61 00:02:20,975 --> 00:02:22,560 Oh, my God! Come on, Sheila. 62 00:02:22,685 --> 00:02:25,062 We better go tell the other parents what's going on! 63 00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:26,564 [Doorbell rings, pounding on door] 64 00:02:26,689 --> 00:02:28,691 Oh, hi, Gerald, Sheila. - Hi, Sharon. 65 00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,609 Uh, we need to talk to you about the boys. 66 00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:33,112 Sure. Come on in. The guys are all watching TV. 67 00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:34,655 Oh, is the game on or something? 68 00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:36,448 [Up-tempo music playing] 69 00:02:36,574 --> 00:02:38,993 Hey! Gerald! How are you? 70 00:02:39,118 --> 00:02:40,703 - Hi, Gerald! - Gerald! 71 00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:41,829 Sit down, Ger-Ger. 72 00:02:41,954 --> 00:02:43,622 "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is on. 73 00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:46,125 Oh, no. You guys all turned gay, too? 74 00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:48,210 [Laughter] 75 00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,546 Not gay, Gerald. Metrosexual. 76 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:51,589 What's that? 77 00:02:51,714 --> 00:02:53,424 Just because a guy cares about how he looks 78 00:02:53,549 --> 00:02:55,092 and is in touch with his feminine side 79 00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:56,677 doesn't mean he's gay anymore! 80 00:02:56,802 --> 00:02:58,679 Metrosexual means you're straight 81 00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:00,890 but you appreciate the gay culture. 82 00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:03,767 It's super fabulous. Would you like some shiraz? 83 00:03:03,893 --> 00:03:06,103 Shiraz is great. - Don't our men look amazing? 84 00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:08,439 Haven't you seen "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," Sheila? 85 00:03:08,564 --> 00:03:09,773 These five gay men go around 86 00:03:09,899 --> 00:03:11,775 and show straight men how to better themselves. 87 00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:12,860 It's the best! 88 00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:13,861 It is? 89 00:03:13,986 --> 00:03:14,904 Well, sure, Sheila. 90 00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:16,697 Our husbands are all so clean and neat. 91 00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:19,241 My Randy irons his clothes and even has pedicures! 92 00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:20,993 And they like to talk about their feelings now 93 00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:22,912 and drink wine and decorate the house! 94 00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:25,706 My Steven shaved his chest and his balls! 95 00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:26,874 Ooh, I love it! 96 00:03:26,999 --> 00:03:28,250 And how about our boys, huh? 97 00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:31,045 Ever since gay culture became cool, our boys bathe every night 98 00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:32,880 and brush their teeth three times a day. 99 00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:34,340 This is the greatest thing ever. 100 00:03:34,465 --> 00:03:35,466 I don't know. 101 00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:38,469 Sometimes boys take cultural fads too far. 102 00:03:38,594 --> 00:03:39,970 [Bell rings] 103 00:03:40,095 --> 00:03:42,139 Dude, I can't wait for Wendy to see how gay I look! 104 00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:43,140 That's true, you guys. 105 00:03:43,265 --> 00:03:44,892 When the chicks at school see how gay we are, 106 00:03:45,017 --> 00:03:46,393 they're gonna be all over us. 107 00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:47,436 Mrph-mrph! 108 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,438 All right. Let's work it! 109 00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:52,107 What the... 110 00:03:52,233 --> 00:03:54,526 Toodle-oo, Conner. See ya after classies. 111 00:03:54,652 --> 00:03:55,486 Okay, sweetums. 112 00:03:55,611 --> 00:03:57,154 Oh, my God. Where is my homework? 113 00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:59,031 I am fuh-reaking out! 114 00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:01,825 Hey, dudes. [Up-tempo music plays] 115 00:04:01,951 --> 00:04:02,743 Hey, Craig. 116 00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,245 You guys look pretty gay. 117 00:04:04,370 --> 00:04:05,287 Thanks! 118 00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:06,705 Not as gay as us, though. 119 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,208 Oh, please, Craig. We're 10 times gayer than you! 120 00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:11,335 Oh, yeah? We're super-duper triple-dog gay! 121 00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:12,169 Oh, yeah? 122 00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:14,880 We're ultra-super-stamp-it- stamp-it-no-erasies-mega gay! 123 00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:16,465 What's all this fighting about, children? 124 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,384 These guys are trying to say they're gayer than us! 125 00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:20,094 Oh, no! 126 00:04:20,219 --> 00:04:21,387 Don't tell me you children 127 00:04:21,512 --> 00:04:24,056 have taken up this whole metrosexual fad, too. 128 00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:25,224 Oh my God. 129 00:04:25,349 --> 00:04:27,059 This is not a fad. This is who we are. 130 00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:27,977 No, it isn't. 131 00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:29,728 Last year, you children were all trying to be black. 132 00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:31,855 Now you're all trying to be gay. 133 00:04:31,981 --> 00:04:33,065 We're metrosexual! 134 00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:35,484 Maybe, but you'll never be as metrosexual as us. 135 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:36,902 Come on, fags. [Snaps fingers] 136 00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:38,153 God, I hate Craig! 137 00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:40,072 That son of a -- gah. 138 00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:44,451 Chef...I don't feel very metrosexual. 139 00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:46,996 Well, then don't buy into this fad, Kyle. 140 00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:49,873 Be who you are, not what's cool. 141 00:04:49,999 --> 00:04:51,625 [Bell rings] 142 00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:54,336 All right, children. Let's take our seats. 143 00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:56,588 [All] Good morning, Mr. Garrison. 144 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:02,094 Well, d-don't you all look nice. 145 00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:03,512 Ooh. Timmy. [Door opens] 146 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,055 [Door closes] 147 00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:07,725 Dude, what are you doing? 148 00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:09,601 I didn't feel comfortable in that stuff, dude. 149 00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:10,686 I'm just being me. 150 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,980 Ha! Told you you guys were straight. 151 00:05:13,105 --> 00:05:14,273 We're not straight. You're straight! 152 00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:15,274 You're straight! - You're straight! 153 00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:16,483 You're straight like a freeway. 154 00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:18,027 What the hell is going on? 155 00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:20,362 You wish you were gay, Craig! In your dreams! 156 00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:22,614 I'm not just gay. I'm a catamite. 157 00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:26,285 S-So? I'm half bisexual. 158 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,996 Oh, stop it! You kids don't even know what you're talking about! 159 00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:30,748 Eric, you're not half bi! 160 00:05:30,873 --> 00:05:32,082 I'm like a quarter bi. 161 00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:34,626 My grandpa was bi, so that makes me quarter bi. 162 00:05:34,752 --> 00:05:35,961 What?! 163 00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:39,381 It was the craziest thing I've ever seen, Mr. Slave. 164 00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,550 All the children were suddenly acting like 165 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:42,801 being gay was cool. 166 00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,303 I mean, maybe we're not 167 00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:46,680 the only gay couple in town anymore. 168 00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:48,974 Oh. Jesus Christ. 169 00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:51,268 [Up-tempo music playing] 170 00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:54,396 Look at that, Mr. Slave. 171 00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,691 Our cup runneth over. 172 00:05:57,816 --> 00:05:59,485 Jesus Christ. 173 00:05:59,610 --> 00:06:01,570 Mr. Garrison, those are great pants. 174 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:04,198 Thanks, Jimbo. I really like your outfit, too. 175 00:06:04,323 --> 00:06:07,493 So -- So, Jimbo, you want to come back to my place 176 00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:09,745 with me and Mr. Slave? 177 00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:11,497 Uh, for what? 178 00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:13,665 Well, you know. 179 00:06:13,791 --> 00:06:15,667 No. - Huh. 180 00:06:15,793 --> 00:06:17,461 Mr. Garrison. Hey, doll. 181 00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:18,545 Oh, hey, Randy. 182 00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:20,672 You're looking ultra fabulous. 183 00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:22,257 Thanks. You too. 184 00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,468 So, uh, Randy... 185 00:06:24,593 --> 00:06:27,721 you want me to give you a hand job in the bathroom? 186 00:06:27,846 --> 00:06:30,140 N-No, thanks. I'm -- I'm not like that. 187 00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:32,393 Not -- Not like that? 188 00:06:32,518 --> 00:06:34,061 How about some shiraz, guys? 189 00:06:34,186 --> 00:06:35,646 Oh, thanks, Mr. Tweek. 190 00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:37,439 My pleasure, silly buns. 191 00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:38,357 Oh. 192 00:06:38,482 --> 00:06:41,860 Well, Mr. Tweek, why don't we, uh, go back to my place? 193 00:06:41,985 --> 00:06:43,195 Why? 194 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,655 Well, you know, I was just thinking 195 00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:47,366 we could put on some music and watch videos 196 00:06:47,491 --> 00:06:49,535 and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass. 197 00:06:49,660 --> 00:06:51,578 Ooh. Jesus Christ. 198 00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:54,206 Oh! Goodness, no. I-I'm straight. 199 00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:56,166 Straight? Oh... 200 00:06:56,291 --> 00:06:58,085 Oh, what -- Just what the hell is going on here?! 201 00:06:58,210 --> 00:06:59,128 [Music stops] Huh? 202 00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:01,588 Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt? 203 00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:04,550 Well, we don't pound butt, Mr. Garrison. We're straight. 204 00:07:04,675 --> 00:07:07,594 Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt! 205 00:07:07,719 --> 00:07:11,181 Hey, now, that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt. 206 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:13,600 No, your shoes say you take it in the butt. 207 00:07:13,725 --> 00:07:14,977 It's okay, Mr. Garrison. 208 00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:17,396 We've learned that gays are totally cool. 209 00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:19,064 You're just one of us now. 210 00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:20,190 Yeah. - Yeah. 211 00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:21,525 One of you?! [Glass breaks] 212 00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:24,319 We spend our whole lives trying not to be one of you! 213 00:07:24,445 --> 00:07:26,238 You can't do this to us! 214 00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:28,657 Have you guys seen this? 215 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,325 It's a conditioner that you can leave in, 216 00:07:30,451 --> 00:07:32,035 and it detoxifies the scalp. 217 00:07:32,161 --> 00:07:33,120 Wow. Is that from Origins? 218 00:07:33,245 --> 00:07:34,746 Yeah. It's a charcoal-based thing that -- 219 00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:38,000 Hey, guys, you want to go throw the football around? 220 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,419 Guys, can I talk to you over here for a second? 221 00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:44,173 Look, guys, a lot of the kids in school are talking, okay? 222 00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:46,633 And they're spreading rumors that we're not metrosexuals 223 00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:48,260 because we hang out with Kyle. 224 00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:49,636 Well, what can we do about it? 225 00:07:49,761 --> 00:07:51,096 We have no choice, you guys. 226 00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:53,223 We're just gonna have to kill Kyle. 227 00:07:53,348 --> 00:07:55,642 What?! That's stupid. We wouldn't have to kill Kyle. 228 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,936 We would just have to tell him not to hang around us anymore. 229 00:07:58,061 --> 00:07:59,146 Oh. You know, you're right, Stan. 230 00:07:59,271 --> 00:08:01,607 We just have to tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore. 231 00:08:01,732 --> 00:08:03,233 Yeah. Wait. What? - You hear that, Kenny? 232 00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:05,527 Stan thinks we should tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore. 233 00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:06,528 I think he's right. 234 00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:08,947 Good luck telling him, Stan. I know it won't be easy. 235 00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:12,284 Hey, butch boy. Nice football you got there. 236 00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:13,452 [Laughter] 237 00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:16,580 When was the last time you had a manicure, straight man? 238 00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:18,123 Yeah. Let's see that hair. 239 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,167 Look! He's not even using any product! 240 00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:21,793 [ Laughter ] 241 00:08:21,919 --> 00:08:22,836 Hey, what's going on? 242 00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:26,840 Oh, here come the butch boys to help their butchy little friend. 243 00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:30,010 He's not our friend. 244 00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:34,598 Stan? [Down-tempo music plays] 245 00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:40,103 This playground is for metrosexuals, macho man. 246 00:08:40,229 --> 00:08:42,231 Take your nonflaming ass to some other school. 247 00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,691 Come on. Let's get him. - Kick his ass! 248 00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:47,152 [Indistinct shouting] 249 00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:51,031 [Birds chirping] 250 00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:53,367 [Down-tempo music plays] 251 00:08:53,492 --> 00:08:55,744 Kyle! What happened to you? 252 00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:56,745 [Sniffles] 253 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,997 I got beat up at school... for being different. 254 00:08:59,122 --> 00:08:59,831 What?! 255 00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:01,959 Your classmates beat you up for being a Jew? 256 00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:04,628 No! For not being a metrosexual. 257 00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,964 Gerald! Gerald, get down here. 258 00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:11,093 He-e-e-re I come! [Up-tempo music plays] 259 00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:14,388 [Camera shutter clicking] 260 00:09:16,932 --> 00:09:19,309 Oh, no! Dad's metrosexual, too?! 261 00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,353 Kyle! You look terrible! 262 00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,438 The boys at school beat him up, Gerald. 263 00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:25,774 Oh, really? Well, don't you worry, Kyle. 264 00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:28,068 We can cover that black eye up with some cream base, 265 00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:30,404 and the coat and pants we'll bleach with an acid wash 266 00:09:30,529 --> 00:09:31,780 for a fun, vintage look. 267 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,449 Aah! Just leave me alone! 268 00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,911 [TV] There you go. Now you look fabulous. 269 00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:38,745 You see that? 270 00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:40,998 A spray-on tan does wonders for your look. 271 00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:42,207 [Growls] 272 00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:45,002 Let's get down to the tango class and learn some new steps. 273 00:09:45,127 --> 00:09:48,171 That does it! I know what I have to do. 274 00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:50,465 [Doorbell rings] 275 00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:52,092 Oh. Hello, Mr. Garrison. 276 00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:54,011 Chef, can I talk to you? 277 00:09:54,136 --> 00:09:55,470 Sure. Come on in. 278 00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:57,514 Thanks. Come, slave. 279 00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:02,894 It's just awful, Chef. 280 00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:04,730 I used to feel like an outsider, 281 00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:07,524 a totally different person who stood out in this town. 282 00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:10,485 Now every straight guy is acting gayer than me! 283 00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:13,030 Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ! 284 00:10:13,155 --> 00:10:14,656 Well, what do you want me to do about it? 285 00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:18,201 Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture? 286 00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:19,202 Oh. 287 00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:21,204 Well, we black people just always tried to stay 288 00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:23,707 out in front of them. - How did you do that? 289 00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:25,083 Well, like with our slang. 290 00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:27,502 Black people always used to say "I'm in the house" 291 00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:28,754 instead of "I'm here." 292 00:10:28,879 --> 00:10:30,922 But then white people all started to say "in the house," 293 00:10:31,048 --> 00:10:32,424 so we switched it to "in the hizzouse." 294 00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:33,884 "Hizzouse" became "hizzizzouse." 295 00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:35,719 And then white folk started saying that, 296 00:10:35,844 --> 00:10:38,221 and we had to change it to "heezie," then "in the hizzle," 297 00:10:38,347 --> 00:10:40,265 which we had to change to "hizzle for zizzle." 298 00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,559 And now because white people say "hizzle for zizzle," 299 00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:45,395 we have to say "flippity floppity floop." 300 00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,357 We don't have time for all that, Chef. 301 00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:51,026 Oh, if only those "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" people 302 00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:53,153 understood what they were doing. 303 00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:54,613 Wait. That's it! 304 00:10:54,738 --> 00:10:56,907 I know exactly what to do! 305 00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:57,908 Come on, Mr. Slave! 306 00:10:58,033 --> 00:11:00,077 Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop. 307 00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:03,330 Oh, no! Damn it, don't call it that. 308 00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:04,873 [Whistle blows] 309 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,291 One ticket to New York, please. 310 00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:08,335 You're going to New York alone? 311 00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:10,754 I'm going to see the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" people. 312 00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:13,799 Ooh! Great idea. They can help you with those dated clothes. 313 00:11:13,924 --> 00:11:15,092 Ugh. 314 00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:16,510 [Bell clanging] 315 00:11:16,635 --> 00:11:18,887 [Dramatic music plays] 316 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,645 [Music continues] 317 00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:29,898 Mr. Garrison? 318 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,274 Kyle. What are you doing here? 319 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:32,275 I'm going to New York 320 00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:34,069 to kill the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" people. 321 00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,654 What?! That's what I'm doing! 322 00:11:35,779 --> 00:11:38,532 Oh, no. They ruined my life. I get to kill them first. 323 00:11:38,657 --> 00:11:40,283 They took gay culture from real gays, 324 00:11:40,409 --> 00:11:41,868 and their asses are ours! 325 00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:43,620 I thought of it first! - No, you didn't! No, you didn't! 326 00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:44,621 Did so! Did so! 327 00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:46,748 I thought of it yesterday! - I thought of it two days ago! 328 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,250 I thought of it before you were born! 329 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,210 Stop it, you two! Stop it! 330 00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:52,504 Don't you see how crazy this is? 331 00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:55,006 Oh, you're right, Mr. Slave. 332 00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:57,008 We can both kill them together. 333 00:11:57,134 --> 00:11:57,968 Cool. 334 00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:01,138 Wow. We look great! 335 00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:03,515 Yeah. Let's see Craig outgay us now. 336 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:04,891 Boys, boys, come on! 337 00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:06,685 There's a sale down at Express for Men! 338 00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,645 [Up-tempo music plays] 339 00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:11,648 Hey, guys, there's a sale at Express for Men! 340 00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:12,733 Oh, my God! - Sale at Express?! 341 00:12:12,858 --> 00:12:13,859 Let's go! - Let's go! 342 00:12:13,984 --> 00:12:16,528 You guys have got to see these shoes I bought! 343 00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:19,030 Hurry, you guys! The mall closes in seven hours! 344 00:12:19,156 --> 00:12:22,200 Oh, why can't we all live at the mall? 345 00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,161 You know, I'm starting to think 346 00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:27,205 this whole metrosexual thing isn't so great. 347 00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:28,248 I know what you mean. 348 00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:31,251 All my husband ever does now is look at himself in the mirror. 349 00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:33,879 He cares more about how he looks than how I look. 350 00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:37,382 I hope something happens soon to put an end to this whole fad. 351 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,136 Guys, you've done a terrific job. 352 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,847 "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is our number-one show. 353 00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,140 [Cheering] 354 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,392 What can I say? We're fabulous. 355 00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:49,978 You guys are changing the world. 356 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,647 And tomorrow, we're gonna have you make over 357 00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:54,775 the president of the United States! 358 00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:56,109 Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna faint. 359 00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:58,069 [Knock on door] 360 00:12:58,195 --> 00:13:00,030 Room service. 361 00:13:00,155 --> 00:13:01,948 What? We didn't order any room service. 362 00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:05,869 Oh. Well, the woman at the front desk sent it up. 363 00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:07,412 Carol? I'll have to check on this. 364 00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:09,706 Excuse me a minute, fellas. 365 00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:13,418 [Suspenseful music plays] 366 00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:14,628 Clear! 367 00:13:14,753 --> 00:13:16,213 Okay, Mr. Slave! 368 00:13:20,050 --> 00:13:23,595 [ Grunts ] Jesus...Christ. 369 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,931 Well, crap. That didn't work. 370 00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:30,185 You better shut up, Craig. - Everyone knows it's true. 371 00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,520 It is not! - Is so. 372 00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:33,063 Craig, behave yourself. 373 00:13:33,188 --> 00:13:35,190 Yeah, Stanley. What are you fighting about? 374 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,859 Dad, Craig's trying to say that his dad can outdress you. 375 00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,654 What? Son, that's a silly thing to fight about. 376 00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:43,573 Yeah. Everyone already knows I dress better than Randy. 377 00:13:43,698 --> 00:13:44,825 Oh, really? 378 00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:47,494 I mean, you do have the fashion sense of a Japanese woman. 379 00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:48,870 Ooh! - Ooh! 380 00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,038 Please, girlfriend. 381 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,624 You look like some kind of Little Orphan Annie nightmare. 382 00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:55,001 Oh, no! - Burn! 383 00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:57,546 Oh, stop it. Will you all just stop it?! 384 00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:00,632 Look, you guys are carrying this fad too far. 385 00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,717 Will you please stop acting this way? 386 00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:06,888 You don't...like us being metrosexual? 387 00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:08,306 [All] No! 388 00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:10,976 Well, you know what I think? 389 00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:12,978 I think you're all metrophobic! 390 00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:14,563 [All] Yeah! - What? 391 00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:16,481 We shouldn't be fighting amongst ourselves. 392 00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:19,192 We should be uniting against metrophobes like these. 393 00:14:19,317 --> 00:14:20,527 This is crazy. 394 00:14:20,652 --> 00:14:24,698 Crazy, different, outcasts -- call us what you want. 395 00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:27,784 But us metros are real people, just like you. 396 00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:30,954 You can metro-bash us all you want, but we're here to stay. 397 00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:33,123 Yeah, Mom. We're proud of who we are. 398 00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:35,333 That's right -- proud. You know what I think, guys? 399 00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:37,919 I think we should have a metrosexual-pride parade. 400 00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:40,839 Great idea, Eric -- raise metrosexual awareness! 401 00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:43,758 We can make floats and decorate them with streamers and flowers. 402 00:14:43,884 --> 00:14:45,552 Mrph-mrph! - Come on, fellas! 403 00:14:45,677 --> 00:14:47,596 Out of the malls and into the streets! 404 00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:49,180 [All] Out of the malls and into the streets! 405 00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:50,557 Out of the malls and into the streets! 406 00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:52,976 What the hell did that show do to them? 407 00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:57,355 You sure you don't want to press charges? 408 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:58,440 That's okay, Officer. 409 00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,317 I think they learned murder is wrong. 410 00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:02,319 Especially in those pants. 411 00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:05,322 Look, guys, we're sorry we tried to murder you, 412 00:15:05,447 --> 00:15:07,699 but you have to stop what you're doing. 413 00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:10,285 Are you crazy? We're the hottest thing on TV. 414 00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,203 But don't you see the price? 415 00:15:12,329 --> 00:15:14,664 You're selling out your own kind. 416 00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:17,000 Look, us gays have created a lifestyle, 417 00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:19,044 a-a culture that is uniquely ours. 418 00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,838 If we keep trying to make straight people into us, 419 00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:25,383 we're gonna have no identity left. 420 00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:27,010 [Down-tempo music plays] 421 00:15:27,135 --> 00:15:29,471 Sorry, Charlie. No sale. 422 00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:33,516 But -- But this doesn't make sense! 423 00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:36,478 How can gay men do this to their own people?! 424 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:41,566 Unless...you're not gay at all. 425 00:15:44,152 --> 00:15:46,529 [Deep voice] You just had to push it, didn't you? 426 00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:49,115 [Deep voice] Just had to keep asking questions. 427 00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,744 [Deep voice] Now you know the truth. 428 00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:55,413 They aren't gay? Then what are they? 429 00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,082 [Deep voice] For a thousand years, 430 00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:59,292 our kind have lived beneath the earth's crust, 431 00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:01,711 banished by man in the kindling wars. 432 00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:03,505 Oh my God. 433 00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,424 [Dramatic music plays] 434 00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:09,344 [Fabric ripping] 435 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,888 We are the crab people! 436 00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:13,139 [Screams] 437 00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:14,599 Jesus Christ! 438 00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:19,145 [All Chanting] Crab people...crab people. 439 00:16:19,270 --> 00:16:23,191 Crab people...crab people. 440 00:16:24,526 --> 00:16:27,237 [Down-tempo music plays] 441 00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:30,031 [Claws clicking] 442 00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:34,119 [All Chanting] Crab people...crab people... 443 00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:36,246 crab people. 444 00:16:36,371 --> 00:16:38,331 See now where we have been forced to live 445 00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:40,208 for a thousand years. 446 00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,711 But soon we shall rule the land above, 447 00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,754 and mankind will be gone! 448 00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:46,506 Gone?! 449 00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:50,385 [All Chanting] Crab people...crab people. 450 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:54,389 Crab people are too small and weak to take over man by force, 451 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:58,268 and so we came up with our perfect plan. 452 00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:00,520 [All Chanting] Crab people... 453 00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:02,022 [Music continues] 454 00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:05,650 [High-pitched voice] If you can't beat man, change man. 455 00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:06,735 I knew it. 456 00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:09,404 I knew gay people would never do this to their own kind. 457 00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:11,364 When all the world is metrosexual, 458 00:17:11,489 --> 00:17:14,868 the crab people shall finally reign supreme! 459 00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:19,164 [All Chanting] Crab people...crab people. 460 00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:22,625 Tastes like crab, talk like people. 461 00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:25,003 [All Chanting] Crab people. 462 00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:27,630 You'll never turn me into a metrosexual! 463 00:17:27,756 --> 00:17:29,966 I like being a dirty, filthy little boy! 464 00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:30,925 Very well. 465 00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:33,928 If we can't make you into metrosexuals, 466 00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:37,265 then we will make you into crab people. 467 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:38,600 Take them! 468 00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:40,185 [Claws clicking] 469 00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:42,771 ♪ All things just keep getting better ♪ 470 00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:45,482 ♪ You came into my life ♪ [All Chanting] Crab people. 471 00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:48,026 ♪ And my world never looked so bright, yeah ♪ 472 00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:49,486 [All chanting] Crab people. 473 00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:51,571 ♪ It's true you bring out the best in me ♪ 474 00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:52,614 [All chanting] Crab people. 475 00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:54,491 ♪ When you are around ♪ 476 00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:56,743 ♪ When you are around ♪ [All chanting] Crab people. 477 00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:59,245 ♪ All things just keep getting better ♪ 478 00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:01,164 [All chanting] Crab people. 479 00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:03,583 Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, 480 00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:06,711 where the first annual Metrosexual Pride Parade 481 00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,046 is under way. 482 00:18:08,171 --> 00:18:09,255 Whoo-hoo! - Yeah! Whoo-hoo! 483 00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:11,382 Yeah! - Metro pride! 484 00:18:11,508 --> 00:18:13,134 [Chanting, clapping hands] We're here! We're not queer! 485 00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:15,053 But we're close! Get used to it! 486 00:18:15,178 --> 00:18:16,387 We're here! We're not queer! 487 00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:17,639 But we're close! Get used to it! 488 00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:20,475 That does it. I can't take it anymore! 489 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,269 I should have never wished for a cleaner, neater husband. 490 00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:26,981 Ladies, get your things. I know what we have to do. 491 00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:29,901 [Indistinct shouting] 492 00:18:30,026 --> 00:18:31,319 Whoa! Look out! 493 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,988 [Glass breaking] 494 00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:36,241 Oh, my God! It's on fire! 495 00:18:36,366 --> 00:18:37,951 Put it out! Put it out! 496 00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:40,203 I can't do anything. These are brand-new pants. 497 00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:42,122 The heat could really damage our hair. 498 00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:43,957 We'd better let the police handle this. 499 00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:46,918 Are you crazy? I just had my uniform pressed. 500 00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:49,212 Oh, Jesus! It's burning! - Oh, my God! 501 00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:51,256 Put it out! Put it out! - Jesus! 502 00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:52,632 Fire! 503 00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:54,551 [Up-tempo music plays] 504 00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:57,470 Mr. President, it is such an honor to make you over. 505 00:18:57,595 --> 00:18:59,597 Now, we've got to do something with your hair. 506 00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:01,808 And your nails are filthy. Let's get those clean. 507 00:19:01,933 --> 00:19:03,977 This is gay gold! 508 00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:06,813 Stop them! They're crab people! 509 00:19:06,938 --> 00:19:09,357 They cannot see or hear us, foolish man. 510 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:10,608 Now stand by and watch 511 00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:13,194 as your pitiful race becomes helpless! 512 00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:15,280 That is very good, Mr. President. 513 00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:17,740 Now put on this silk jacket. 514 00:19:17,866 --> 00:19:19,617 No, Mr. President! Don't do it! 515 00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:21,661 [Muffled] Help! - You bastards. 516 00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:24,831 That looks great. Now, how about some moisturizer? 517 00:19:24,956 --> 00:19:26,249 [Dramatic music plays] 518 00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:27,959 There they are! Get 'em! 519 00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:29,085 What? 520 00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,963 You turned our husbands into whiny little wusses! 521 00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:33,923 It's payback time! 522 00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:36,176 [Indistinct shouting] 523 00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:39,470 Oh, my God! What are they doing? 524 00:19:39,596 --> 00:19:41,931 No! No! 525 00:19:42,056 --> 00:19:45,560 [Shouting, glass breaking] 526 00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,729 Wha-- What have you done? 527 00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:50,982 We're sorry, but we didn't have a choice. 528 00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:52,734 You see, at first we liked 529 00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:54,694 having our men be clean and neat. 530 00:19:54,819 --> 00:19:56,529 We thought that having them use product in their hair 531 00:19:56,654 --> 00:19:58,990 and wanting facials would make them sexier, 532 00:19:59,115 --> 00:19:59,991 but it doesn't. 533 00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:01,034 That's right. 534 00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:03,203 Even though my Stephen sicks me out sometimes, 535 00:20:03,328 --> 00:20:06,247 it's his rugged, manly grossness that I'm attracted to. 536 00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:08,625 We're sorry, but we knew that the only answer 537 00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:10,877 was to kill the "Queer Eye" guys. 538 00:20:11,002 --> 00:20:12,795 Well, you're going to jail for th-- 539 00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:15,715 [Rumbling] Wait a minute. What is that? 540 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,176 No! Our evil plans! 541 00:20:18,301 --> 00:20:20,178 [Weakly] No. 542 00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:23,056 Oh my God. 543 00:20:23,181 --> 00:20:24,891 They were crab people. 544 00:20:25,016 --> 00:20:25,850 Yes! 545 00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:27,894 They were trying to systematically make men 546 00:20:28,019 --> 00:20:30,396 into wusses so they could take over the world. 547 00:20:30,521 --> 00:20:32,232 Mom! - Kyle! 548 00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:34,108 I should have known they were crab people. 549 00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:36,110 They tried this before with "The Jeffersons". 550 00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:39,280 So now can you please change your network's programming? 551 00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:40,406 Yes. 552 00:20:40,531 --> 00:20:42,408 Yes. I think this gay fad is over. 553 00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:44,285 Gentlemen, back to studio 12. 554 00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,621 We're gonna bring back the Latin fad. 555 00:20:49,207 --> 00:20:51,209 [Mid-tempo music plays] 556 00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:52,460 Hey, eses. 557 00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:55,713 Hey, jefe. You want some cerveza? 558 00:20:55,838 --> 00:20:57,465 [Bell rings] 559 00:20:58,049 --> 00:20:59,092 Kyle. 560 00:20:59,217 --> 00:21:01,761 Hey, ese, you want to come play catch with us? 561 00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:04,555 What? You want me to hang out with you? 562 00:21:04,681 --> 00:21:06,599 Yeah, it's cool, homes. 563 00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:08,434 No, dude, it really isn't cool. 564 00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:10,186 You all turned your backs on me. 565 00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:12,021 You're supposed to be my best friends, and you just -- 566 00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:13,648 you treated me like nothing. 567 00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,400 And now you all expect me to just forget it all 568 00:21:15,525 --> 00:21:18,027 and hang out with you again like nothing happened? 569 00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:19,988 Oh, Jesus, Kyle. Don't be such a whiny little gaywad. 570 00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:21,030 Come play catch with us. 571 00:21:21,155 --> 00:21:23,408 Yeah. Don't be such a fag, dude. 572 00:21:33,543 --> 00:21:35,003 God damn it.