♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headin' on up to South Park ♪
♪ gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ [muffled] ♪
♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪
[school bell rings]
We are South Park, green and white!
Let's go Cows-- fight fight fight!
Nobody can beat a cow, let's go, South Park!
Hey, South Park, do you have school spirit?
[mooing]
I think us cows have the best school spirit, huh, Mandy?
Yeah, and South Park is really gonna stick it
to Littleton next week.
So let's bring out our mascot
and get this pep rally going!
[thumping dance music]
It's Mooey!
Mooey, wave to me! Wave to me, Mooey!
Butters, shut the hell up.
[angry shouting]
We are People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals!
We protest your insensitive use
of cows as your school mascot!
Oh, Jesus, not PETA again.
Cows are maimed and slaughtered and used as a commodity!
[screaming]
This is the fate of the cows!
This is your insensitivity!
[kids] Eww!!
[sobbing]
The cow is a slave.
The cow is a commodity,
to be thrown away, by a society gone wrong!
[school bell rings]
Alright, children, I have just been informed
that since our school has been attacked by eco-terrorists
for the 47th time,
we are going to change our school mascot.
[all groan]
But Mr. Garrison, if we change our mascot,
that means the eco-terrorists win.
That's right, Stanley, the eco-terrorists win.
Now, I have here a mascot selection sheet.
Every student is supposed to check the box
next to the mascot they like the most.
And the most popular selection will be the school's new mascot.
But we like being the cows.
You're responsible for the enslavement
and genocide of millions!
Get-get out of here, PETA!
We're changin' the mascot already!
We speak for those who cannot speak for themselves!
Go on, get outta here!
Get-get out!
Jesus, where do they keep coming from?
Go on, get outta here.
ThiS is bull crap, dude!
Now, children, it's not that bad.
There's plenty of great new mascots
on the sheet to choose from.
The Hurricanes, the Blizzards,
the Redskins, the Indians...
But aren't Indians and Redskins just as offensive?
No, those are fine.
PETA doesn't care about people.
God damn it, vegans piss me off!
Now, we're gonna end up with a stupid eagle,
or a faggot bobcat as a mascot.
Wait, you guys! I have an awesome idea.
We should secretly go around
and tell all the students we can
to not check any of the mascots on the selection sheet,
and instead, write in: "Giant Douche."
Yeah!
Yeah, that'll be awesome!
Hey, no, wait, wait!
I got a better idea, you guys.
What we should do, is we should secretly go around
and tell all the students we can
to not check any of the mascots on the selection sheet,
and instead, write in: "Turd Sandwich."
[laughing]
Turd Sandwich isn't better than Giant Douche.
It's only about 1,000 times better, am I right, guys?
Come on, we have to tell everybody fast,
it's gonna be so funny!
It was my idea, and we're gonna tell everyone
to write in Giant Douche!
It's way funnier! - It is not!
Kenny, what's funnier, giant douche or a Turd Sandwich?
Giant Douche.
Ah, you're just saying that
because I broke your cat's leg last week!
Stan, do you pick Giant Douche or Turd Sandwich?
Dude, I really don't care.
That's 2 against 1, if Stan doesn't care.
So it's Giant Douche.
Wait, wait, what about Butters?
Huh? You hate Butters!
God damn it, you guys, Butters is our friend!
And he should be allowed to have his opinion!
Butters, which is funnier?
A stupid, not funny Giant Douche
or a super funny Turd Sandwich?
Ha ha, Turd Sandwich!
You misled him, fat ass!
It's the best choice,
and me and Butters are sticking with it.
Yeah!
What's this for?
Jimmy, we're gonna have everyone write in a mascot
that's really funny,
and you have to tell us which one would be funnier.
That's a fantastic idea, fellas.
The key to successful humor is s-staying power.
Tell me the first mascot idea.
A Giant Douche.
[chuckles] Okay, that's pretty funny.
Now, what's the second?
A Turd Sandwich.
[chuckles] Okay, okay, now, let's wait 10 seconds.
Okay, now tell me the first one again?
Giant Douche.
And the second?
Turd Sandwich.
Jeez, they're both screamingly funny, fellas.
Better give it another 10 seconds.
Alright, now we'll see which one really has staying power.
Number one?
A Giant Douche.
Okay, I think that's it.
Number two?
Turd Sandwich.
Jeez, I don't know what to tell you, fellas.
They're both instant classics.
But I guess I'll have to go with Giant Douche,
simply because the fact that it is a giant renders it useless,
adding a parody slant to the satire.
Aggh!
Aw, we lost?
Alright, it's decided.
Let's all write in "Giant Douche".
Okay, you win, Kyle.
Attention students,
we have tallied your mascot nomination sheets,
and there will now be a school-wide vote
between the top two nominations.
So, here's the first most requested candidate:
a Giant Douche.
♪ Y'all ready for this ♪
[dance music]
Go, Giant Douche!
Hey, South Park!
Have we got school spirit?
[sparse clapping]
We've got spirit, yes, we do!
Giant Douches, me and you!
Let's goooo... Douches!
[clapping]
And now, your second nominee, Turd Sandwich.
♪ Who let the dogs out? ♪
♪ Who, who, who, who, who ♪
♪ Who let the dogs out?... ♪
Alright, Turd Sandwich!
Cartman-- what the hell?
Giant Douche sucks!
We've got spirit, yes we do!
We are sandwiches filled with poo, yeah!
[sparse clapping]
Students can now cast their choice
between the Giant Douche and the Turd Sandwich.
We'll count up the votes on Tuesday.
You won't get more votes than us, asshole!
Game on, Jew-boy!
Yeah, game on, Jew-boy!
[school bell rings]
Be sure to vote for Giant Douche!
Giant Douche, he's the best!
Giant Douche is your man!
Kyle, aren't you taking this a little too far?
I mean, do we really want a Giant Douche
to be our school mascot?
Dude, I am not going to lose to Cartman's
stupid Turd Sandwich.
[patriotic electronic flute playing]
Vote for Turd Sandwich!
This is the most important election of your lives.
Turd Sandwich brings the hope for change!
A vote for Turd Sandwich is a vote for tomorrow.
There, you really want that asshole to win?
I'm not voting.
What?!
You gotta vote, dude.
Haven't you seen the "Rock the Vote" stuff,
or Puff Daddy's "Vote or Die"?
I just think this whole thing is stupid.
Kenny, we have got to make Stan understand
the importance of voting.
Because he'll definitely vote for our guy.
Yeah!
How was school today, Stanley?
It was ridiculous.
We have to have a new school mascot,
and we're supposed to vote
between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich.
What did you say?
Did you just say that voting is ridiculous?
No, I think voting is great,
but if I have to choose between a douche and a turd,
I just don't see the point.
You don't see the point!
Oh, you young people just make me sick!
Stanley, do you know how many people died
so you could have the right to vote?
Mom, I just don't think there's much of a difference
between a douche and a turd.
I don't care.
You don't care!!
You really want a Turd Sandwich as your school mascot!
On your football helmets-- a turd!
Well, hold on, Randy.
I think a Turd Sandwich is a little better
than them having a giant douche on their uniforms.
You're crazy!
A douche is at least clean.
It's sexist, is what it is!
You don't understand the issues, Sharon!
Are you calling me ignorant?
If you think the school mascot should be a Turd Sandwich,
you're not exactly Einstein!
I am sick of you belittling my opinion,
you son of a bitch!
[glass shatters]
I hate this family, I hate it!
[doorbell rings]
Puff Daddy?
Your friend Kyle told me
you don't understand the importance of voting.
I--
apparently you haven't heard of my Vote or Die campaign.
Vote or Die, what the hell does that even mean?
What you think it means, bitch?!
Ahhhh!!
♪ Vote or die, motherfucker motherfucker, vote or die! ♪
♪ Rock the vote ♪
♪ or else I'm gonna stick a knife through your eye ♪
♪ Democracy is founded on one simple rule ♪
♪ Get out there and vote,
or I will motherfucking kill you ♪
Yeah.
♪ I like it when you vote bitch [bitch] ♪
♪ Shake them titties when you vote, bitch [bitch] ♪
♪ I'll slam my Jimmy through your mouth roof, mouth roof ♪
♪ Now get your big ass in the polling booth ♪
♪ I said, vote, bitch or I'll fucking kill you ♪
♪ Vote or die, motherfucker motherfucker, vote or die! ♪
♪ You can't run from a.38 go ahead and try ♪
♪ Let your opinion be heard you gotta make a choice ♪
♪ 'Cause after I slit your throat ♪
♪ you won't have a fuckin' voice ♪
♪ Vote or die ♪ Vote or die!
Okay, I'll vote.
Hello, Clyde!
What do you guys want?
We were just wondering who you might be voting for,
for the new school mascot.
I haven't decided yet.
Oh, really? Well, that's interesting.
You certainly should think about it
and make the right decision.
Butterscotch candy?
Sure.
Clyde, are you aware of what Turd Sandwich
can bring to our school?
Turd Sandwich is not only
the first turd to be nominated school mascot,
but even the first sandwich.
You see, what Turd Sandwich brings to our school, Clyde,
is a complete package--
The turd, and the bread,
and the lettuce, and the olive.
Whereas Giant Douche is just, well,
just a Giant Douche.
So, come voting day, you'll now most likely
vote for the Turd Sandwich, yes?
I'm still not totally sure.
Well, then perhaps we could interest you in...
Another butterscotch candy?
You're doing the right thing, Stan.
Don't you feel like you're a part of something now?
I guess.
[gun cocks]
Look, it may not seem important now,
but your vote really does count.
And we all have to do our part.
Okay.
Whoa, wait, what are you doing?
I'm voting.
No, you wrote down Turd Sandwich.
Yeah, I know.
Dude, you're supposed to vote for Giant Douche.
I thought I was supposed to make my own decision.
Well, yeah, but not if your decision is for Turd Sandwich!
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Wait a minute, you didn't want me to vote!
You wanted me to vote for your guy!
Well, I just figured you'd vote for my guy!
Whose fucking friend are you?!
Puffy!
Hey, fuck off, Kyle!
Don't let them intimidate you, Stan.
I'll help walk you to the booth.
And then I'm gonna buy you a nice steak dinner
with all the trimmings.
Oh, forget it!
I'm not gonna be persuaded into voting,
and I'm not gonna be threatened into voting
if I don't feel comfortable with it!
I'm not gonna vote, and you all can just live with it!
We've simply had it with your son, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh!
Voting just doesn't appear to be important to him.
Stanley, when you left for school this morning,
you said you were going to vote!
The whole thing is a joke!
You see? He's out of control!
It's nearly torn our whole family apart.
Well, my hands are tied.
We can no longer have Stan's behavior
jeopardizing the other children.
He must be removed.
Oh, are you happy now, Stan?
You just got yourself suspended.
No, I'm afraid it's worse than that.
By county law,
I'm bound to enforce the harshest punishment possible.
Expulsion?
No, banishment.
B-banishment?
You can appeal to the city council,
but I don't think it'll do any good.
Your son must leave South Park, never to return.
Oh, Randy!
[sobbing]
Our son... banished!
Where did we go wrong?
[sobbing]
You... you're all joking, right?
As it was in the time of our forefathers, so it is now.
Stan Marsh, for not following our most sacred of rites,
you are hereby banished from South Park for all eternity.
Or until you decide that voting is important.
Goodbye, Stan.
May the Gods treat you more kindly than we did.
Stan, don't you think this has gone far enough?
Is it really that big a deal?
Yeah, just vote.
For Giant Douche.
I'm not voting!
Yo, Puffy, man, we just gonna let this happen?
We got to kill this non-votin' fool!
No, Chestazious, just let him go.
He won't survive a fortnight in the wilderness.
This is breaking your mother's heart, Stan.
She couldn't even help tie you to the horse.
Dad, isn't this a little extreme?
Jesus...
I guess maybe you'll never understand
how important voting is.
Goodbye, son.
[slap] Yah!
[horn sounds]
That's one of the hardest things a parent ever has to do.
[man] Look, what is that?
[woman] Oh, the poor thing!
[Stan] Hello?
Don't worry, we'll free you.
Just sit still for a moment.
Oh, thank God.
Get off of him, you filthy human!
Poor thing needs water!
You're safe now.
Shame on you, making this horse your slave!
Awww!
Come, you can live with us.
We will give you food and shelter.
What about me?
Open the gate!
This poor creature's in need of food and water!
You have a home here, friend.
The "kid" wants to stay, too.
I was put on the horse, I didn't wanna ride it.
I don't know if you can stay.
We'll have to ask Dr. Cornwallis, come.
We don't normally allow outsiders.
You see, here, we live in harmony with the animals.
They're not our pets, but our fellow living beings.
We work with the animals, and try to live as they do.
We make friends with the animals.
We co-exist, and we intermarry.
This is my wife, Janice.
The outside world looks down on a man marrying a llama.
But our love knows no boundaries.
Wow, you guys really love animals.
And why not?
Mark here has been with Kelly for three years now.
And Gary and Sally here
have just managed to have a child together.
Kill me...
Yes, life here is good and natural.
But now that you know where our compound is,
you'll have to either live with us, or be murdered.
I'll live with you.
It's not up to you.
You'll have to talk with Dr. Cornwallis.
[munching]
What did he say?
He said I can stay.
Excellent!
Dr. Cornwallis is wise beyond his years.
Here's your PETA t-shirt and a bumper sticker.
[TV announcer] This is "Debate 2004,"
with your host, Jim Lehrer.
Welcome to the cable access televised debate
between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich.
We'll start with Giant Douche.
Sir, some students and parents are reluctant
to have a Giant Douche represent them.
What do you say to those people?
Jim, first of all, I would like to thank you
for monitoring this debate.
And I would like to thank
all of the students and their parents for coming.
Oh, suck-up, suck-up!!
Shh! - What, that's an obvious suck-up move.
But I would hope that those students and their parents
who question my qualities
would simply look at my opponent.
He is a Turd Sandwich.
You're a Turd Sandwich.
No, sir, if you'll pardon me,
you are, in fact, the Turd Sandwich.
You're a Turd Sandwich!
Sir, you are a Turd Sandwich.
You're a Turd Sandwich!
Uh, Turd Sandwich,
I will ask you not to speak out of turn.
I'm sorry, Jim.
Anyway, as I was saying,
uh, wait, I forgot what I was saying.
Ha, what a douche.
Alright, Turd Sandwich, this next question is for you.
How should South Park Elementary
enforce its laws of conduct
for young athletes during sporting events?
You know,
my opponent wouldn't even know the answer to that question.
If you ask him the same question,
he would not answer it.
He would stand around and just babble on and on about nothing,
until finally, he was saved by the buzzer--
[buzzer]
Your time is up, turd.
Stan, I want to introduce you to my stepdaughter, Theresa.
She seems to have taken a liking to you.
And she's ovulating.
Uh, no thanks, that's okay.
Stan, some PETA members are growing concerned
that maybe you don't love animals.
I do love animals, just not like you guys do.
You don't belong here, Stan.
You should return home.
I can't, I was banished for not voting.
But why on Earth wouldn't you want to vote?
I think voting is great, I just didn't care this time,
because it was between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich.
But Stan, don't you know?
It's always between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich.
Nearly every election, since the beginning of time,
has been between some douche and some turd.
They're the only people who suck up enough
to make it that far in politics.
I guess... I guess you're right.
Yo, what did I say was going to happen to you, bitch?
Ahh!
Ah! He's wearing the skin of an animal!
Take that!
I hope that teaches you a lesson about wearing fur.
Idius, Ronicus?
[gunfire]
Vote or die!
Protect the animals!
Ugh-ugh, ugh...
Janice, we shall die together, in each other's arms!
[gunshots]
Oh, kill me!
Kill me!
M'kay, that's one more vote for Turd Sandwich.
So who won, Mr. Mackey?
It's pretty close, but it looks like
Giant Douche is gonna win!
Oh, no, no!
Ha, you lose, fat ass!
Hey, wait a minute!
Look!
Stan!
Stan, you came back, does that mean...
You learned the importance of voting?
I learned that I'd better get used to having to pick
between a douche and a Turd Sandwich,
because it's usually the choice I'll have.
He's going to vote!
- He's going to vote!
♪ Let's get out and vote ♪
♪ Let's make our voices heard ♪
♪ We've been given the right to choose ♪
♪ between a douche and a turd ♪
♪ It's democracy in action ♪
♪ Put your freedom to the test ♪
♪ A big fat turd or a stupid douche ♪
♪ which do you like best ♪
Stan's vote brings the total votes for Turd Sandwich to 36!
And Giant Douche has 1,410.
Giant Douche still wins!
[cheering]
[groaning]
Dude, so my vote didn't even really matter!
Hey! That's not true, Stan.
You can't judge the merits of voting
on whether or not your candidate won.
Your vote still mattered.
Hey, everybody!
They just found all the PETA members
murdered at their compound!
[gasping]
What, they're all dead?
That means--
that we can go back to being the South Park Cows!
[cheering]
Now your vote didn't matter.
♪ Let's get out and vote ♪
♪ Let's make our voices heard ♪
♪ We've been given the right to choose ♪
♪ between a douche and a turd ♪
♪ It's democracy in action ♪
♪ Put your freedom to the test ♪
♪ A big fat turd or a stupid douche ♪
♪ which do you like best ♪
♪ Let's get out and vote ♪
♪ put your freedom to the test ♪
♪ A big fat turd or a stupid douche ♪
♪ which do you like best ♪