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♪ I'm going down
to South Park ♪
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♪ gonna have
myself a time ♪
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00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,015
♪ Friendly faces
everywhere ♪
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00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:15,683
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
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00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:17,018
♪ Going down
to South Park ♪
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♪ gonna leave my
woes behind ♪
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♪ Ample parking
day or night ♪
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♪ People spouting
"howdy neighbor" ♪
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♪ Headin' on up
to South Park ♪
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♪ gonna see
if I can't unwind ♪
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♪ [muffled] ♪
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♪ So come on down
to South Park ♪
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♪ and meet some
friends of mine ♪
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This is
closed circuit television
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for South Park
Elementary School.
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And now...
"Super School News".
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The news made for students
by students.
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Welcome to
Super School News.
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I'm Jimmy Valmer.
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And I'm Rick Cartman.
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The price of milk money
will go up next month
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to forty nine cents.
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The school claims
the added money is due to
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the cow shortage
in South Park county.
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Parent-teacher conferences
will be held
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this Wednesday night
from seven to nine.
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So kids, get a lot of playing
in before you get grounded.
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And now for a look
at what's on the menu
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for school lunch today,
here's Stan Marsh.
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Eric, it looks as though
the school will be serving
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a chicken cutlet.
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Now that's traditionally
a white meat chicken breast,
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if you will, that has been
breaded and then cooked.
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I've been told there will
also be tater tots
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and a vegetable dish.
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This is really shaping up
to be uh, one fantastic lunch.
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Eric?
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Hard-hitting reporting
Stan, thanks a lot.
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And now here with
the celebrity watch
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is Butters Stotch.
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Butters, seen any
celebrities lately?
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No, not yet.
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I've been standing out
in front of the school
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for about two hours now
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and I haven't seen
any celebrities.
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About thirty minutes ago,
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I thought I saw
Sigourney Weaver...
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B-b-ut, uh, turns out
it was a dead horse.
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Alright, Butters,
keep your eyes open.
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Will do.
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More snow
for South P-park?
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Here's Token Black
with the weather.
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Jimmy and Eric, it looks
like a massive snow storm
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is heading
South Park's way.
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I asked my dad
last night,
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and he said
he heard the snowstorm
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is expected
on Tuesday, guys.
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Kyle Broflovski
now joins us
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for a look
at sports.
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And Kyle, the girls'
basketball team
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just can't
get it right.
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Another devastating loss
for the Cows last night, Eric.
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They were ahead in the game
until Kelly Anderson
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started crying because
she missed her daddy
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who is on a business trip
in Thailand.
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Kelly was so upset
she couldn't play
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and the Cows
had to forfeit.
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The Cows are on
a six and 0 slide
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since Kelly's father left
for that business trip.
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And that's all for
Super School News!
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Enjoy your day at
South Park E-e-el-
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Elementary.
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And we're... Cut!
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Alright, nice reporting
guys, nice.
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Boy that was
a great episode!
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Yeah, I think that was
one of our best shows yet.
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Boys, I'm afraid
I have some bad news.
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The school has to
cancel your show.
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What?
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For God's sake
why, Mr. Maryl?
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Well the students
just aren't watching it.
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Your rating was only
a four this whole week.
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How many
students is that?
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Four, four students
watch your show.
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And meanwhile, Craig's show
is getting a fifty-seven.
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Craig's show?
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What is that butthole
doing now?
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Oh, it's brilliant.
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It's all just video
footage of animals
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close-up with
a wide angle lens.
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Animals close-up
with a wide angle lens.
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But that's... that's crap,
that's not even TV!
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It's what
the students want.
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And its cheaper
to make than your show.
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Just one person
and a video camera.
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Craig is a genius.
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Sorry, kids.
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But, Mr. Maryl,
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we're trying to bring
the news to the students.
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They need to know
the facts
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and our news team
delivers them, very much.
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Kids don't care about
the news, boys.
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It's boring.
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Kids want
to see animals...
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close-up...
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with a
wide angle lens.
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Please, Mr. Maryl,
the news is our life.
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Without it
we have nothing.
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I'm sorry, kids.
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You should be proud
of what you've done.
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It's just that
it's kind of gay.
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You're gay!
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Gee wiz...
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We sure worked hard
on that news show.
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Apparently it doesn't
matter how hard you work.
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Hello boys, ready to
do some whistlin?
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[whistlin' merrily]
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Fuck off, Whistlin' Willie,
we're not in the mood.
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If you want your pizza
you gotta whistle!
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[whistlin' merrily]
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Come on!
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[all half-whistlin']
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There ya' go!
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God, I wish we had
a Pizza Hut in South Park.
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Hey look, Craig
just walked in.
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[cheers & applause]
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Jesus all that for
a stupid video show.
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Oh hey guys, heard about
your news show being canceled.
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Go play with
yourself, Craig.
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Yeah, well, I got an overall
deal with the school.
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They're paying me
six dollars a week
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to come up
with new shows.
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Your idea took about
this much thought, Craig.
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This much more
than you had.
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Hey a round of root beers
for everyone, on me!
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[cheering]
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Kenny!
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What the hell are you
doing with this asshole?
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Mrph rhmhphm rm.
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You're helping Craig
make his show?
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I can't believe you
would betray us like that!
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We've always been
super cool to you!
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♪ Ha ha ha ha
haaaa ha ♪
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♪ We're gonna
do a news show ♪
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♪ and you can't
do it with us ♪
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♪ because you
are too poor ♪
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♪ and poor people
don't watch the news ♪
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♪ Nya nya nya
nya nyaaaa nya ♪
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Oh whatever, Kenny!
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Hey gang, I brought
the new episode of
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"Wide Angle
Close-up Animals"!
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Woo-hoo! Yayyy!
- Let's see!
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Put it up on
the monitors!
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Cute!
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Super cute!
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God, I just
don't get it.
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Wow... those animals
are pretty cute.
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Token--now
come on guys!
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We've worked
too hard
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to just roll over
for Craig and his
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stupid overall deal.
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Instead of sitting here
feeling sorry for ourselves,
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we just need
to figure out
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how to make
our show better!
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Yeah... maybe if we
can get higher ratings
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by the end
of the week
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they'll let us
stay on the air!
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Well what are we
waitin' for?
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Come on, guys!
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Alright, we all need to
come up with ideas
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for our show.
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How about
we revamp the name...
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"Super School News"
sounds dry.
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It should
be Sexy News.
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Action News!
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Yeah, Sexy Action,
that's good.
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Maybe the problem is
we don't have
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very good stories
to report on.
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Right... we should
make up stories
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because they'll be
far more interesting.
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Hey yeah!
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I could say I saw celebrities
even though I didn't
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and then lie about
what I saw them doing!
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Nice, Butters,
write that down!
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"Lie... about...celebrities".
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We have to appeal
to all the students.
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So we need hot girls
for the sixth graders--
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--and panda bears
for the preschoolers.
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Good.
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Maybe we need
to make students think
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they have to watch
our news show
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or they'll die!
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Yeah, we should make up
a bunch of reports
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about how dangerous
it is to be alive!
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Oh boy!
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Fellas, are you sure
all of this is e-e-ethical?
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We're in
fourth grade, Jimmy.
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We don't even know
what ethical means!
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Alright, Sexy Action
School News team
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it's time
to go to work!
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Get out there
and get some stories!
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Sexy Action
School News team, ho!
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00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:07,386
Uh, Token, can I have
a quick word with you?
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00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,305
Look, Token... I know
the guys are having trouble
205
00:07:10,431 --> 00:07:11,598
bringing this
up with you, but...
206
00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,268
Well the thing is, Token,
207
00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:16,311
we really need to revamp
your whole TV persona.
208
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Huh?
209
00:07:18,272 --> 00:07:19,148
You see, Token,
people really enjoy
210
00:07:19,273 --> 00:07:21,984
seeing African Americans
on the news.
211
00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:25,279
Seeing African Americans
on the news
212
00:07:25,404 --> 00:07:26,196
not hearing them.
213
00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,157
That's why, all
African American news people
214
00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:30,993
learn to talk more...
how should I say...
215
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:34,079
white.
216
00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:35,914
Token, all the great
African American news people
217
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:37,833
have learned to hide their
'ebonic tribespeak'
218
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,918
with a more pure
caucasian dialect.
219
00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,378
There is no
shame in it
220
00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,464
and I really think
it will help our ratings.
221
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:48,260
This is South Park Elementary
closed circuit television.
222
00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:49,636
And now...
223
00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:55,309
Eyewitness
Sexy Action School News!
224
00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:57,311
Is South Park Elementary
about to explode
225
00:07:57,436 --> 00:07:58,562
from a methane gas leak?
226
00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,314
More on that later,
but first,
227
00:08:00,439 --> 00:08:01,940
Stan Marsh has a look
at some new outfits
228
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,192
for the Raisins girls!
229
00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:04,443
[all cheering]
230
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,321
Eric, the outfits are
even skimpier than before
231
00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:08,739
leaving very little
to the imagination.
232
00:08:08,864 --> 00:08:10,324
No doubt that if
I were a little older
233
00:08:10,449 --> 00:08:12,117
I would be aroused.
234
00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:13,076
[all cheering]
235
00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:14,286
And now for
a look at the weather.
236
00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:15,579
Here is Token Black.
237
00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:16,872
And Token, I hope
there are no tornadoes
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00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,207
headed our way.
239
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,792
No, tornadoes, Eric
but interestingly enough
240
00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:22,419
there is a
low pressure storm
241
00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,087
moving in over
the Park County valley
242
00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:27,090
should bring us
some chilly days ahead.
243
00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:29,885
The Park County
school board
244
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,220
has approved
a bigger budget
245
00:08:31,345 --> 00:08:32,304
for the computer lab in--
246
00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:33,805
Ooh hang on, Jimmy!
247
00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:34,890
Looks like
Kyle has the dish
248
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,183
on some students
bathroom habits! Kyle.
249
00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:37,601
Eric, sources
are speculating
250
00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:39,311
that third grade student
Pete Bellman
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00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:40,979
pees sitting down
like a girl.
252
00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:42,314
We've also
got confirmation
253
00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:43,398
that Sally Turner
stuffs her bra
254
00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:45,817
and Clyde Donovan
has only one testicle.
255
00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:48,612
Ha-ha-ha-haa
one testicle!
256
00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:51,490
Ha-ha-ha
what an asshole!
257
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:56,828
Oh-oh, looks like it's
Panda Bear Madness Minute!
258
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,041
Oh yeah,
Panda Bear Madness!
259
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,125
And now...
let's get a look at
260
00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:04,336
Celebrity Dish gossip
with Butters!
261
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:09,383
This isn't the news,
this is a t-t-t-travesty.
262
00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:14,596
Alright, so after
my report on
263
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:17,140
the unsanitary conditions
of the school cafeteria
264
00:09:17,266 --> 00:09:18,642
we'll go to Kyle for
the story on Brian Teebs
265
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,435
trying to make out
with Susan Farkle.
266
00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:21,270
Then let's do
Token's report
267
00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:22,437
on how global warming
is going to kill
268
00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:23,522
everyone in
the fifth grade.
269
00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,899
That is a
terrific idea, Stan.
270
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,317
A-OK!
271
00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:30,112
Fellas, fellas, I've
got fantastic news.
272
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:32,030
The vice president,
Dick Cheney,
273
00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:33,282
was in
Denver yesterday,
274
00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,867
and I got an interview
with him for our news show!
275
00:09:36,994 --> 00:09:39,663
Umm, an interview
with the vice president...
276
00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:41,623
Frankly, Jimmy I don't
know how we're going to
277
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,083
fit that in between
cheerleader pie eating
278
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,751
and Who's Got
Skid Marks Monday.
279
00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:46,461
But this is
real news.
280
00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:47,963
It's boring news, Jimmy.
281
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,965
How do you know,
you haven't seen it yet!
282
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,383
Alright,
tell me about it.
283
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,468
In the interview,
Mr. Cheney tells me all about how--
284
00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:55,470
[big yawn]
285
00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:59,474
Oh... oh God,
I just got so sleepy.
286
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,310
I'm sorry, what were
you talking about?
287
00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,478
Look, f-f-fellas
I've got a real problem
288
00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:05,439
with the direction
our news show is going.
289
00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:06,940
We're dumbing down
the school.
290
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,483
No, Jimmy, the school
is already dumb
291
00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:09,484
we're just giving them
what they want.
292
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:11,570
We're making the news
more appealing to students.
293
00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:13,322
This isn't the news!
294
00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:15,490
This is a b-b-bastardized
quest for ratings.
295
00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:17,826
Dammit, we have a
journalistic responsibility
296
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,495
to bring students
the f-facts.
297
00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:22,122
Don't you see
what we've done?
298
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,875
In our effort to compete with
Craig's small-minded show
299
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,752
we've make a mockery
of news reporting.
300
00:10:26,877 --> 00:10:28,503
I remember when we all
made an oath to each other
301
00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:30,631
way back when we started
playing news reporters
302
00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:33,216
that we would never let anything
jeopardize our integrity.
303
00:10:33,342 --> 00:10:35,510
Well our integrity
is jeopardized...
304
00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:38,138
And if we can't
report news the honest way...
305
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,641
What good is
news reporting?
306
00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:45,062
[yawning & stretching]
307
00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,441
Boys, first of all
I want to tell you
308
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:53,570
how impressed I am with your
ability to get more ratings.
309
00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:56,448
Your show beat "Close-up Animals
With a Wide Angle Lens"
310
00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:58,533
by three viewers!
311
00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:02,329
Alright!!
- Wohoo!
312
00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:03,955
I knew we
could do it!
313
00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:05,040
We beat
"Close-up Animals"!
314
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:05,957
Oh man, it's
so great!
315
00:11:06,083 --> 00:11:07,793
We-we worked so hard
to be on the top-
316
00:11:07,918 --> 00:11:09,252
oh come here, you!
317
00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:11,254
Yes, but unfortunately
318
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:12,964
you got crushed
in the ratings
319
00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:14,883
by Craig's new show.
320
00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:18,428
Craig's new show?
321
00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:19,971
All the students
love it.
322
00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:22,307
It's an
incredible idea called
323
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:24,851
"Close-up Animals
With a Wide Angle Lens
324
00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,603
Wearing Hats".
325
00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:28,355
Take a look.
326
00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:41,910
That Craig is a
freakin' genius, I tell you.
327
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,788
He's like...
an idea machine.
328
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:48,458
Does this mean we're
still gonna get canceled?
329
00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,836
I'm afraid its worse
than that boys.
330
00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:52,963
I'm going to have to
give you all "F"s
331
00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:54,798
in extra curricular A/V class.
332
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:58,760
You have to learn now
how important ratings are.
333
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,138
But... we
gave it our best.
334
00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:06,226
Yes, ♪ and I guess your best
wasn't good enough ♪
335
00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:08,979
I don't believe it.
336
00:12:09,104 --> 00:12:10,230
I can't lose this extra
curricular credit!
337
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:11,732
I need it to
pass fourth grade.
338
00:12:11,857 --> 00:12:13,775
Stupid news hair.
339
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:18,196
F-fellas, don't you see,
this proves my point.
340
00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:21,491
We have to elevate
our ideas up, not down.
341
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:23,618
Yeah, Jimmys right. I know we
can come up with
342
00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:24,911
way better ideas
than Craig.
343
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:27,289
Yeah. To save our show,
all we need to do...
344
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:28,915
is come up with
the best idea
345
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,959
for an episode ever.
346
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,219
What if we do
a show where we...
347
00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:42,846
Ah... no...
348
00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:47,017
How about we
have us, um... hmmm...
349
00:12:47,142 --> 00:12:49,978
Come on doesn't anybody
have any show ideas?
350
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,188
How about we
get panda bears
351
00:12:51,313 --> 00:12:53,023
and have them dance
around with us!
352
00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:55,484
We did that.
353
00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,571
Wow, coming up
with ideas is hard.
354
00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,615
Look, you guys, if Craig
can do it, we can do it.
355
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:02,407
Come on!
356
00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:12,083
How about we do
a show with us... uh...
357
00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:15,504
The uh... what if...
358
00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:18,089
Wait, I've got it...
crab people.
359
00:13:18,215 --> 00:13:19,341
Crab people?
360
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,550
They're like
half crab, half people
361
00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:22,552
and they live
below the ground.
362
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:25,096
Dude, I think we can
do a little better
363
00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:26,681
than crab people.
364
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:28,600
I know, we should
read the funnies!
365
00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:31,186
I always get good ideas
from the funnies!
366
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,230
Butters, only gay little
dweebs read the funnies.
367
00:13:33,772 --> 00:13:35,440
Yeah, I read 'em
all the time!
368
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:36,858
Here's one!
369
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,819
The... snail
tripped over a hurdle
370
00:13:38,944 --> 00:13:40,403
and the other
snail says,
371
00:13:40,529 --> 00:13:42,697
"well, that's gonna add
another hour to his time!"
372
00:13:42,823 --> 00:13:43,907
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
373
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:45,617
You guys?
374
00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:49,037
How about we do a show
where we kill Butters?
375
00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:52,958
Ha ha...
376
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,711
So Dagwood says,
377
00:13:56,837 --> 00:14:01,341
"good... goo..good thing we're playing
the back nine at your house".
378
00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:02,092
Ha ha ha ha!
379
00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:05,512
We're hopelessly stuck,
completely out of ideas.
380
00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:06,721
We have
crab people.
381
00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:07,764
Just sayin'...
382
00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,266
Wait -- you know
what we should do?
383
00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:11,685
We should all take
a bunch of cough medicine.
384
00:14:11,810 --> 00:14:12,686
Cough medicine?
385
00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:13,687
That's what
the sixth graders do
386
00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:14,729
behind the school
at recess.
387
00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:16,356
They take way
too much cough medicine
388
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,316
cuz they say it makes them
see things in their heads.
389
00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:25,407
Gee wiz, there
sure is a lot of em...
390
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,492
How do we know
which one to use?
391
00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:30,579
How about this
one Colminex.
392
00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,831
"Warning, taking more
than recommended amount
393
00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:34,583
can cause severe
side effects."
394
00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:35,750
That sounds perfect!
395
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:37,335
B-bingo.
396
00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:39,713
Can I help
you boys?
397
00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:42,424
Yeah, we need to come up
with some ideas and inspiration
398
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,009
so we were gonna drink
a bunch of cough medicine.
399
00:14:44,134 --> 00:14:44,885
Whoa, boys!
400
00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:47,512
That's not what you need
to come up with ideas!
401
00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:48,722
It's not?
402
00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:51,683
No, what you want
is the Colminex PM.
403
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,727
It has the
dextrimatphan in it
404
00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:55,437
that causes hallucinations
in large doses.
405
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:56,688
Oh okay.
406
00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:57,939
Now, if it's
more of a lucid,
407
00:14:58,064 --> 00:14:59,316
speedy kind of high
you're looking for,
408
00:14:59,441 --> 00:15:01,526
I do also carry the
Daytap Cold and Flu.
409
00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:03,278
Then there's the
maximum strength
410
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,738
Codatussin Cough 'n Cold.
411
00:15:04,863 --> 00:15:07,866
But of course, that's only if
you really want to trip balls.
412
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,493
What do you
think, fellas?
413
00:15:10,619 --> 00:15:11,870
I guess we'll just
take all of them.
414
00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:12,787
That's the spirit...
415
00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,873
Alright boys, I'll just need
your parents permission.
416
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:18,919
Kidding, I'm just
pullin' your legs.
417
00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:20,253
Come on over
to the register!
418
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,006
Oh, looks like
somebody else
419
00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:24,716
is doing a little
partying tonight!
420
00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,509
Oh, Jesus Christ!
421
00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:27,928
We aren't
having a party.
422
00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:29,095
Oh yeah sure!
423
00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:30,972
You're just buying that
for your bad coughs, right?
424
00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:34,851
Us too!
[fake coughing]
425
00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:36,728
Ooh, Jesus!
426
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:46,237
Alright, now everybody
take a tablet and a pencil
427
00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:47,322
and when all the ideas
start coming
428
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,740
just write 'em down.
429
00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:50,325
We might not remember
everything otherwise.
430
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,495
Oh boy, I can't wait
to be creative and smart!
431
00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:57,332
Ooh, it's all
thick and gooey...
432
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,336
Huh... I don't
have any ideas yet.
433
00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:05,882
Stan?
434
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,385
Dude, Stan,
you alright?
435
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:10,679
I think maybe
he's feelin' it.
436
00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:12,764
Stan, are you
getting good ideas?
437
00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:17,811
Woah... I'm feelin kinda
bowling ballish, fellas.
438
00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:28,947
Woof-woof!
439
00:16:29,072 --> 00:16:30,740
Woof-woof!
440
00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:32,409
[distorted]
Stan... Stan come on.
441
00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:34,494
We're gonna
go find a frog.
442
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,625
[wrong number beep]
We're sorry...
443
00:16:48,425 --> 00:16:50,760
Oh dude, I just had
the best idea!
444
00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:51,845
Me too!
445
00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:02,564
Hey, let's run naked
through the street!
446
00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:12,866
Dude, this TV show
is awesome...
447
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:16,411
It's... the greatest
show of all time...
448
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,204
I could watch
this for days...
449
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,008
[all]
Cute...
450
00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:32,510
Super cute...
451
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:44,230
You guys...
you guys wake up!
452
00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:45,356
Ergh... agh!
453
00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:47,817
Butters get away
from me!
454
00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:49,444
Oh Jesus, where
are my clothes?
455
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:50,487
We took a bunch
of cough medicine
456
00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:52,322
to come up with
ideas for our show.
457
00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:53,823
I didn't come up
with anything!
458
00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:55,867
I did, I wrote
something down...
459
00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:59,245
Here it is... uh...
squiggly line, circle.
460
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,538
I wrote down...
461
00:18:00,663 --> 00:18:03,124
All the lyrics to
the "Happy Days" theme song.
462
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,959
You guys... we watched
Craig's show all night long.
463
00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:07,045
Yeah, it was great.
464
00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:08,338
But don't you see?
465
00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:09,964
We didn't think
it was great before!
466
00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:11,591
I think
I understand now.
467
00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:14,719
I think I know why Craig's show
gets such great ratings!
468
00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:17,472
Half the school
is high on cough medicine!
469
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,265
Jesus, you
may be right.
470
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:20,934
Fellas, this
is our chance!
471
00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,435
Everyone get your hair looking
as fantastic as possible!
472
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,895
It's time for us to do
473
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:25,271
the most incredible
investigative news report
474
00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:27,190
of our journalistic lives!
475
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,025
This is
closed circuit television
476
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,194
for South Park
Elementary School.
477
00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,780
And now...
A Sexy Action News team
478
00:18:33,905 --> 00:18:35,240
Special Report!
479
00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:39,160
Cough medicine
abuse in school.
480
00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:41,704
With the Sexy Action
School News team.
481
00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:44,249
It's the report
you can't afford to miss.
482
00:18:44,374 --> 00:18:45,708
[girl screaming]
483
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,795
And now here is
Rick Cartman.
484
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:51,631
They call it cough syrup,
cough medicine,
485
00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,424
cold and flu remedy.
486
00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:55,343
But behind closed doors
at South Park Elementary
487
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:56,427
it also has
a street name:
488
00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:59,848
coogie, wombat juice,
tigger yum yum.
489
00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,683
Hello, I'm Rick Cartman.
490
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,101
Today the Sexy Action School
news team
491
00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:05,019
takes you inside
the dark and lonely world
492
00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:07,230
of cough medicine abuse.
493
00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:08,606
They're doing it
in the hallways.
494
00:19:08,731 --> 00:19:09,607
Agh!
495
00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:11,234
Behind the school.
496
00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:13,319
Hey, get outta here
you fucking dork.
497
00:19:13,444 --> 00:19:14,988
Even, in the
girl's bathroom.
498
00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:19,159
Is somebody in there?
I'll tell on you!
499
00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:20,994
We showed the shocking footage
to the principal--
500
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:22,579
Oh my goodness...
501
00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:24,289
Principal Victoria,
can you explain
502
00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:27,208
how your administration
failed to see this p-pr-
503
00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:28,251
problem?
504
00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:29,836
Well, I... we...
505
00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:31,880
So where are students getting
all this cough medicine?
506
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:32,922
This surveillance footage
507
00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:34,215
shows a group of
troubled kids
508
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,300
getting all
the smack they want
509
00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:36,634
from a pharmacist!
510
00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:39,012
Sexy Action School News
reported the pharmacist
511
00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:40,013
to the South Park police
512
00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:41,556
and he was
immediately arrested.
513
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,308
The cough medicine
companies claim
514
00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:44,559
they don't intend
for their product
515
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,644
to be used by kids
to get high.
516
00:19:46,769 --> 00:19:49,063
But one look at
the packaging tells otherwise-
517
00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:52,025
"Theradryl DM for kids"
518
00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:54,819
"Dexacough
Children's Formula".
519
00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:56,571
And now for a quick
celebrity check
520
00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:57,906
here's Butters Stotch.
521
00:19:58,031 --> 00:19:59,365
Still no
celebrities, Eric.
522
00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,826
I'll keep
my eyes open.
523
00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:03,411
The cough medicine problem
used to also run rampant
524
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,538
in neighboring
Middle Park Elementary.
525
00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:06,915
But they took action.
526
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,041
Ridded their entire town
of cough medicine.
527
00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:11,127
And what we see now,
is a happier school
528
00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:13,213
one hundred percent
cough medicine free.
529
00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:15,965
[all hacking & coughing]
530
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,554
Boys, I want to
congratulate you
531
00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:24,390
on what is perhaps the finest
piece of student television
532
00:20:24,515 --> 00:20:26,351
I have ever seen.
533
00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:27,727
Not only did you get
534
00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,355
all the students and
myself off of cough medicine
535
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,565
but you got a twenty two
in the ratings!
536
00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:34,234
Twenty two people?
537
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:35,693
Alright!
538
00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:37,362
You wanted to
see me, Mr. Maryl?
539
00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:38,988
Oh, yes, Craig.
540
00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:40,949
It appears that
the ratings for your show
541
00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:42,659
are down
significantly.
542
00:20:42,784 --> 00:20:44,035
Gee, what a
coincidence.
543
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,246
I wonder w-w-why.
544
00:20:46,371 --> 00:20:48,790
You need to know how
important ratings are, Craig.
545
00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,792
So I'm going to
suspend you from school
546
00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:53,878
and request that you have your
testicles removed surgically.
547
00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:56,089
Ha ha, in your
face Craig!
548
00:20:56,214 --> 00:20:58,925
You boys are approved
for twenty seven new shows!
549
00:20:59,050 --> 00:21:01,469
I want you to come up
with an even better idea
550
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:02,720
than the
cough medicine story.
551
00:21:02,845 --> 00:21:03,805
Get to it!
552
00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:12,188
Nobody... has any ideas?
553
00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:14,148
This sucks.
554
00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:15,233
I don't wanna keep having to
come up with ideas
555
00:21:15,358 --> 00:21:17,443
for shows all the time,
it hurts my head.
556
00:21:19,904 --> 00:21:22,156
Dude... bail?
557
00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:24,909
I think bail.
558
00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:25,952
Bail.
559
00:21:26,077 --> 00:21:27,954
Yep, b-b-bail.