♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
♪ gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Going down to South Park ♪
♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
♪ Headin' on up to South Park ♪
♪ gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ [muffled] ♪
♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪
Way up in the mountains in a small little town...
The main street was being decorated all up and down.
People stood in long lines
Sometimes waiting hours or more...
Because Christmas needs to be bought in a store.
But out in the forest not too far away...
the little woodland critters
were also preparing for their Christmas day.
♪ Its almost time when the time is here ♪
♪ The time that's only once a year ♪
♪ We can hardly wait 'cause it's so near ♪
♪ A woodland critter Christmas ♪
The little critters worked hard as they happily sang
and each one of them had a quite interesting name.
There was Squirrelie the squirrel
Rabbitie the rabbit
Beaverie the beaver and Bearie the bear.
Porcupinie the porcupine, Skunkie the skunk
Foxie the fox and Deerie, the deer.
Woodpeckerie the woodpecker, Mousie the mouse
and Chickadee-ee, the chickadee
all made the forest their house.
And on that magical day, stumbling upon all of that--
was a surprised little boy...
in a red poof ball hat.
What the hell...?
♪ Christmas time is once a year ♪
♪ Every critter holds it dear ♪
♪ Every animal big or small ♪
♪ Christmas means so much to us all ♪
Well, hello there!
Welcome to our forest.
How do you like our Christmas tree?
It's nice...
Why, it's the most perfect tree in the forest!
Yea! - Yea!
Oh, no, I see a problem!
What is it, Mousie?
Our Christmas tree doesn't have a star!
Awww... Awww...
We can't have a tree with no star on it.
What are we gonna do?
Now don't be down, ya'll.
Maybe our new friend can help us find a star.
Would you? Really?
Okay, okay...
Yea! Yea!
And so, using some paper and working with glee
the boy in the red poof ball hat
made a star for the tree.
Ahhh... Ahhh...
It's the nicest star I ever saw!
The little critters cheered and Beavie said with a smile...
How would you like to sing and dance with us for a while?
The boy in the red poof ball hat smiled and said...
Uh... no thanks, I'm gonna go home.
G'bye Stannie!
G'bye! - See ya!
Wuf...
Hi, Stannie! Hi, Stannie!
Aw... Wha?
His friends were all there!
What a wonderful surprise!
The little boy smiled with joy in his eyes!
What time is it?
You aren't gonna believe what happened, Stannie.
It's the most magical Christmas gift ever!
Porcupinie is pregnant!
You guys, I have to go to school tomorrow.
I deduce the manboy doesn't understand
the seriousness of the fertilization!
Porcupinie is a virgin, Stannie.
Her conception was immaculate!
She's going to give birth to our lord and savior!
What?
It has been foretold unto me
that I would give birth on Christmas Day!
So soon!
How delightful!
Our souls are saved!
Finally, the critters are gonna have a savior
of their very own of their very own!
Yea! - Yea!
There's just one problem...
We don't have a manger for our savior to be born in.
Awww! - Awww!
But we got to have a manger!
Can you do it, Stan?
Can you build us a manger, huh?
Yea! - Yea!
"Of course I'll build you a manger!"
The little boy cried.
And he winked at his critter friends
and leapt to their side!
And out in the woods, the boy steamed right ahead
making a place for the critter babe to lay its sweet head.
Gee wiz, if it isn't the nicest manger I ever saw!
I deduce that it shall serve as a perfectly suitable
resting place for the son of our lord!
Does this mean we can go to sleep now?
My son will have the nicest bed in all the forest!
Fit for a king!
This is gonna be the best critter Christmas ever!
♪ It's almost time when the time is here ♪
♪ The time that's only once a year-♪
Alright, I'm going now.
[growl]
Aaah! - Aaah!
The mountain lion!
Hide!
Go away, shoo!
[growl]
Is it gone?
I deduce it is!
I'm not c-c-coming out!
Well, this is the end.
The mountain lion obviously knows Porcupinie is pregnant
and it's going to kill it again!
Again?
Every Christmas, the mountain lion comes down
and eats the virgin critter
impregnated with the son of our lord.
Oh dear, I'm so very afraid!
Let's face it,
the mountain lion will never let our savior be born!
Awww... - Awww...
Hey, we shouldn't be upset this Christmas
we've got Stannie!
Of course, Stannie can do anything!
If he can build a manger,
he can stop that mean ol' mountain lion!
Christmas is saved!
Yea! - Yea!
High up over the forest, on a dark, craggily peak
the horrid mountain lion lived and preyed on the weak.
For the critters to be saved
someone had to stop that nasty old cat--
God dammit, this is fucking ridiculous.
--said the little boy in the red poof ball hat.
Killing a mountain lion was no easy task.
But he thought of a plan... and he thought of it fast!
Gargrgrgg... grgrgrrrgrr!
Come on out!
[growl]
Come on, critter killer!
Your days of slaughtering innocent little animals
are over!
Rarghghgh!
[growl]
Rarrrrrr!
[growl]
Aah!
In a flash it was over, a victorious blow!
The mountain lion lay slain on the cold ground below.
Okay, there.
Mommy... Mommy!
W-w-wake up, Mommy, wake up...
Don't leave us, Mommy.
Man-boy... Why?
Why did you kill our mommy, why?
I... the critters...
They're... birth of the savior...
The tiny cubs all gathered together and cried,
all alone in the world because their mother had died.
Aw... awww!
Ooh...
You alright, Lady Porcupinie?
Oh yes... Just felt a little kick is all.
Well, it's been much too long now.
I'm afraid our helpful friend Stannie must be very dead.
Yes, the mountain lion probably swallowed him whole.
I guess that means...
Our savior is gonna be made into savior stew.
Awww... - Awww...
Wait a minute, look!
Stannie! - Stannie!
Stannie, you're alive!
But does that mean...
You killed the mountain lion?
It's dead.
For real and for true?
Are you sure?
I'm sure, it won't be hurting you anymore.
He did it!
Now our critter Christmas can finally happen!
Hail Satan!
- Hail Satan!
Wait... what?
You've done us a huge favor, Stannie!
Without the mountain lion around,
Lady Porcupinie can give birth to the Antichrist!
Yea! - Yea!
Wait, wait... the Antichrist?
You said she was giving birth to your savior!
Yes, to the son of our lord, Satan, Prince of Darkness.
But I thought you meant the son of God!
Well, think about it.
You really think God would have sex with a porcupine?
No way!
Only Satan, Prince of Darkness
and King of All Evil would do that--yea!
This is cause for celebration.
Let's sacrifice Rabbitie and eat his flesh!
Yea, sacrifice me to the devil!
Yea! - Yea!
Aaghghgh!
Ahghghgh!
Drink his blood, drink his blood!
Rarhrhghggh!
Blood orgy!
Yea, blood orgy!
Blood orgy, yea!
♪ What a special time, a special day ♪
♪ It's woodland critter Christmas ♪
Hail Satan!
In the gentle forest clearing on Christmas Eve morn,
the little forest critters
prepared for the Antichrist to be born.
The noble mountain lion
had stopped evil in all the years past,
but now the good protector lay dead as the good owls amassed.
And meanwhile, three lion cubs were crying away.
For them, there would certainly be no Christmas Day.
And soon the forest would suffer from the offspring Satan begat.
All this because of the little boy...
In the red poof ball hat.
Ugh...
Now that he'd killed the noble lion queen,
there was nobody to stop the apocalypse, it seemed.
Aghghggh!
"I know!" he said with a new happy grin.
"I'll go back to the forest
to speak with those critters again!"
No, no, no, no...
He ran out the living room, turned out the light
and went back to the forest to set everything right!
♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪
♪ to the east side... ♪
And went back to the forest to set everything right!
♪...In the sky ♪
♪ Mov-movin' on up... ♪
He tried to forget all about it by watching TV
But his conscience caught up with him
and to the forest he did flee!
♪ Piece of the pie... ♪
He thought he could hide from his problems, not true!
He knew in his heart the thing he had to do!
Leave me alone!
He knew that only by going to the forest could he--
Oh, alright, alright, alright!
God!
Hey, look everyone!
It's our ol' pal, Stannie!
Oh boy, Stannie, you came just in time!
Yeah, we've got a big problem!
The great Satan has commanded
that when the Antichrist is born,
we must find a human host body to transfer it into.
That way it can take over the whole world!
The whole world!
The human must be non-baptized
and heathenistic against Christ!
We figured you'd be perfect!
Yea! - Yea!
I'm not a heathen!
I was baptized and my family's Christian!
Awww...! - Awww...!
But we got to have a human host body for the Antichrist.
Oh, dear, maybe we won't have a critter Christmas after all.
Now don't be down, y'all.
Stannie can help us find a non-baptized heathen human.
Will ya really, Stannie?
No!
I'm not doing you any more favors
and I'm not letting you give birth to the Antichrist!
I came here to put a stop to all this!
To stop us?
But gee wiz, Stan, if you tried to stop us
we'd have to use our evil Satanic powers on you.
Right, whatever.
I'm taking down the manger I built.
Agh... Aghghh!
Ahghgh!
Aahghgh!
Oh, boy!
Our satanic powers sure did the trick!
Our powers get stronger every day!
Get stronger every day!
Sorry, Stannie, but you see,
nothin' can stop the birth of the Antichrist...
Except for a mountain lion.
And you got rid a her!
Yea! - Yea!
The boy shook with anger he broke a sweat and felt ill!
When he remembered,
there were three mountain lion cubs still alive on the hill!
Oh, yeah.
Hello?
Anybody in there?
Oh, no, it's the man-boy who killed Mommy!
He's come to kill us now!
It's okay, I died inside when Mommy was killed anyways.
Yeah, better this than the slow death
we'd face without a mother around.
Look, I'm sorry I killed your mom.
The squirrel told me she was evil.
You got tricked by a squirrel?
Gee, you're not too smart, are ya mister?
I'm trying to make this alright again,
but the only thing that can stop devil-worshipping critters
is a mountain lion.
Yeah, and you killed her.
Well, you're mountain lions.
Us? Nawww, we're just kids.
We still have our baby teeth.
And baby claws.
And a dead mom.
There still has to be a way for you
to kill the porcupine's baby.
What? You mean like an abortion?
Yeah, an abortion! That could work!
But... We don't know how to give abortions.
Do you know someplace we can learn, mister?
"Where can they learn that," the boy said with a frown.
"I know, the abortion clinic just outside of town!"
What?
So he picked up the cubs and down the mountain he stormed,
and took them to where abortions are performed!
No, he didn't.
Yes, he did.
No, he didn't!
Yes, he did.
No, he didn't!
Yes, he... did!
Aw, God damn it!
... said the boy in the red poofball hat!
We've made it already, little cubs, fancy that!
Excuse me, what are you doing here?
... The abortion doctor inquired.
If you wanna be in the O.R., a pass is required!
I don't know, I'm supposed to show these mountain lions
how abortions are performed or something.
I know, it's ridiculous.
Well, you're in luck, I'm happy to inform.
Its only three days until Christmas
so I have lots of abortions to perform!
Gather round my table cute little lions,
I'll teach you to do abortions without even tryin'!
And so the little boy and the cubs
gathered 'round the chair base
and all day watched abortion after abortion take place.
♪ Christmas time is once a year ♪
♪ Every creature holds it dear ♪
♪ Every animal big or small ♪
♪ Christmas means so much to us all ♪
♪ It's once a year, it's Christmas time ♪
♪ And it happens once a year ♪
♪ It's once a year at Christmas time ♪
♪ When we hear about how Christmas only comes ♪
♪ Once a year... ♪
This better have a point, dude.
This really better have a point.
♪ It's almost time when the time is here ♪
♪ The time that's only once a year-♪
Oh, look...
That little feller is all alone!
Gee, he looks sad.
Hi there!
What the hell...?
How come you're all alone on Christmas eve?
My... family doesn't celebrate Christmas.
Awww, but why?
Well, because we don't really...
Believe in Jesus.
Yea! - Yea!
But does that mean... you aren't baptized?
No, I'm Jewish.
Yea, yea! - Yea, yea!
You got to come with us!
You're perfect, just p-p-perfect!
Huh?
Yea! - Woo-hoo!
♪ What a special time and special day ♪
♪ It's woodland critter Christmas ♪
Hail Satan!
'Twas the night before Christmas
and above the woods way up high,
a new bright shiny star hung in the sky...
For the world to be saved there was only one shot,
a little boy with three cubs with an abortion plot.
Okay, come on, the critters are over this way.
You mountain lions ready to stop the Antichrist
from being born?
Sure, we know how to give abortions now!
He arrived at the critter forest ready to fight
but then gasped when he saw a most dreadful sight--
Gosh, we did it!
The critter Antichrist is born.
Bringing a thousand years of darkness to the forest.
Grgglglgl!
The Antichrist had been born, sealing the world's fate.
The boy in the red poof ball hat...
was too late.
Too late?
What the hell is that?
Oh, hi-ya, Stannie!
Stan!
Stan what the hell is going on?!
It's critter Christmas dude, it sucks ass!
Now all we got to do is put the Antichrist into our human host!
Yeah! - Woo-hoo!
That's it?
10,000 years of darkness and I don't have a Merry Christmas?
When up the sky,
the sound of sleigh bells were heard!
And a jolly red sleigh flew down to earth like a bird!
Hey, look! Its Santie Claus!
Yea! - Yea!
Let's eat his flesh!
Alright, what the hell is going on?
Why is there a red star glowing in the sky?
We finally did it, Santa!
We brought forth the Antichrist with help
from our good friend Stannie!
Death and pain await all living things!
Little boy, you should be ashamed!
I didn't mean to help them, I tried to stop them!
Well, good going, stupid!
There's only one way to stop devil-worshiping critters!
Aaaghgh! - Aaaghgh!
Dude, what the...?
Come on, dude.
Gee wiz, Santa, you're not gonna kill me are y--
But Santa, what do we do about the Antichrist?
Don't worry, boys, the Antichrist cannot survive
without a human host body to go into.
No... no, I want to have the Antichrist inside me!
What... Kyle!
With his power,
I can finally make the earth a better place for the Jews!
Don't do it, Kyle!
Aarrhghgh!
Dude!
Yes... yes!
Now the Jews shall take control of Christmas
once and for all... Ahahahaahaa!
Oh, stop it, Cartman!
Just stop it!
That's enough!
You aren't reading another sentence of your stupid story!
I don't believe anyone interrupted you
when you read your Christmas story aloud, Kyle.
This whole time your stupid story was just a way
to rip on me for being Jewish at Christmas again!
Mr. Garrison could you do something, please?
Sorry Eric, but if Kyle feels discriminated against
you'll have to stop or else I'll get a call from his mother.
Alright, fine, forget it!
Well, but... But what happened?
Yeah, did Kyle bring 1,000 years of darkness or not?
What happens to the lion cubs?
Well, I guess we'll never know
because Kyle doesn't wanna hear how it ends.
No, it all worked out, right?
The world was saved and I went home for Christmas dinner.
Dude, why do you care?!
After all that I at least wanna know
if I had a Merry Christmas or if darkness rules the earth.
Oh, come on! It's obvious what happens.
I get killed by Santa Claus so that Christmas is saved!
That's not at all what happens.
Aw, come on, let him read us the end!
Yeah, yeah, come on...
Yeah! Let him do it!
Alright, fine!
A-a-ahem...
"Oh, dear, my best friend is possessed, how about that!"
said the little boy in the red poof ball hat..."
Ha ha haaa!
Now I shall rule the-- ughh... aahghgh...
God it burns!
Aahhhh... my soul is on fire!
Ohhh, I don't like this.
I didn't know it would feel so... dark and evil!
Well what did you expect, dude?
It's the son of the devil.
Oh God, what have I done?
I'm sorry, please...
I don't wanna be the vessel for the Antichrist!
I'm sorry but it's too late, Kyle.
Santa's gonna have to kill you.
No, Santa don't!
We don't have a choice, in a few hours
the dark creature inside him will consume his soul!
The little boy fretted, he almost started to bawl...
But that's when he came up with the best idea of all.
The lion cubs!
...The little boy quickly begun...
I took them to see how abortions are done!
What?
Now, cubs do like they showed you, hurry up fast
get the Antichrist of my friend Kyle's ass!
And in the twinkling starlight
each little cub did their portion.
They remembered all they had learned
and gave Kyle an abortion.
Aarhghgh...!
gagahrhgrh...!
Kill, destroy!
Ghghrhrhg!
Kill, destroy!
Gagahrhgrh--
Thanks, everybody.
I'm sorry I got a little crazy there.
Well, little boy,
it seems that you have really been through a lot.
Is there any special present you would like this year?
Yeah... yeah there is.
What... oh my, what happened?
Mommy?
Yea! - You're back!
We missed you Mommy!
Oh, good.
And back home, there were presents
and lots of food to get fat
and it was the best Christmas ever
for the boy in the red poof ball hat.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Except for Kyle who died of AIDS two weeks later.
[Kyle] God damn it Cartman!
♪ Christmas time is once a year ♪
♪ Every creature holds it dear ♪
♪ Every animal big or small ♪
♪ Christmas means the world to us all ♪
♪ It's once a year, it's Christmas time ♪
♪ When we hear about how Christmas only comes ♪
♪ once a year ♪