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00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:12,388
♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪
2
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,056
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
3
00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:15,641
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
4
00:00:15,766 --> 00:00:18,853
♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
5
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♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
6
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♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
7
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♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
8
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Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
9
00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:33,284
♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
10
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[ Bell rings ]
11
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M'kay, kids, as your counselor,
12
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I know it can sometimes be
difficult to talk about subjects
13
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like drugs and sex and alcohol,
m'kay.
14
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So, as you remember, last week
I told you to write down
15
00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:49,425
any difficult questions you had
16
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,677
and put them in this box,
anonymously,
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so we could discuss those
questions in class, m'kay.
18
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I got a lot of responses,
so let's read some aloud.
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[ Clears throat ]
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"Mr. Mackey is gay."
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00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:04,732
[ Laughter ]
22
00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:07,026
M'kay, kids,
that is not funny, m'kay.
23
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This box is supposed to be used
for serious questions about --
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00:01:10,321 --> 00:01:12,281
about serious issues, m'kay.
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Let's stop the tomfoolery.
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M'kay, let's look
at a real one here.
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"Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay."
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[ Laughter ]
29
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All right, all right.
That's enough, kids.
30
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Let's quiet down
and try to be mature, m'kay.
31
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Here we go, m'kay.
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"Mr. Mackey,
sometimes my parents hit me.
33
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And you are gay."
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[ Laughter ]
35
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Damn it, is there not one
serious question in here?
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"Mr. Mackey is gay."
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"Mr. Mackey is gay."
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M'kay, here.
[ Clears throat ]
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"I am a boy
at South Park Elementary.
40
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Sometimes when I am sitting
in class,
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my penis becomes hard
for no reason.
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What should I do?"
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[ Snorts, laughs ]
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[ Laughter ]
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All right, k-- All right, kids!
That's enough!
46
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[ Bell jingles ]
47
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If you all can't be serious
about the question box,
48
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then we'll just do drug-
identification exercises, m'kay.
49
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ALL:
Aww!
50
00:02:08,546 --> 00:02:10,214
M'kay, Jimmy,
why don't you come up here
51
00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:12,049
and write down the name
of two narcotics?
52
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Uh, no.
T-That's okay, Mr. Mackey.
53
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Jimmy, I'm not asking you,
I'm telling you.
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Uh, just, uh, not right
this second, Mr. Mackey.
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Well, why the hell not?!
56
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Uh...
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[ Whispering ]
58
00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:29,567
- It's what?
- [ Whispering ]
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Oh, you do?
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[ Whispering ]
61
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R-Right now?
Right now it is?
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M'kay. M'kay.
Don't worry, Jimmy.
63
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M'kay, uh,
let's pick someone else.
64
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Uh, Eric,
why don't you come up here?
65
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Hey, that's bullcrap! How come
Jimmy doesn't have to do it?
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Well, because Jimmy's
pitching a tent right now.
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He's what?
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00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:53,799
- Whoa!
- Wow!
69
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A $100 gift certificate
to South Park Mall?
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Maybe we should do
the talent show.
71
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What's the point?
72
00:03:00,097 --> 00:03:01,932
Jimmy always wins
with his stand-up comedy.
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00:03:02,057 --> 00:03:03,475
- Hey, fellas.
- Did you see, Jimmy?
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00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:05,561
They're giving away a $100
first prize for the talent show.
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Oh, I sure have.
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I've been working
on my r-routine all year long.
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I don't know how you do it,
dude.
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How do you get up in front
of that many people?
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Well, fellas,
entertainment is my life.
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I love being in front
of everyone.
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[ Bell jingles,
dramatic music plays ]
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- Aah!
- What's the matter?
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G-Got to go!
See you, fellas!
84
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E-excuse me!
E-Exc-- Excuse me!
85
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Excuse me, p-please!
86
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[ Music continues ]
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[ Breathing heavily ]
88
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- CRAIG: It's occupied.
- [ Grunts ]
89
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CARTMAN:
No room at the inn, Virgin Mary.
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Hey, Jimmy!
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[ Urinating ]
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Boy, did you see that
first prize for the talent show?
93
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You must be excited.
You'll probably win like always.
94
00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:56,737
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm real excited.
95
00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:58,614
Real excited, for some reason.
96
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:01,325
Oh, Jesus.
What's wrong with me?
97
00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:03,035
[ Plopping ]
98
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:04,912
Hey!
Who's dropping bombs in there?!
99
00:04:05,037 --> 00:04:06,455
How about a courtesy flush?
100
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,290
CARTMAN:
Up yours, Butters.
101
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[ Sighs ]
102
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Hey, Jimmy.
How was school?
103
00:04:14,797 --> 00:04:15,798
Fine, Mom.
104
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Jimmy, we understand
105
00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:19,510
you're getting erections
in the classroom.
106
00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:21,595
What?
W-Who told you that?
107
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,597
Mr. Mackey, your counselor.
108
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Aw, J-J-Jesus!
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Now, Jimmy,
it's nothing to be ashamed of.
110
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But we know it's something
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you might have a hard time
talking about.
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Get it?
A hard time.
113
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So we took
your counselor's advice
114
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:39,780
and called Dr. Pal
to help us all talk about this.
115
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D-Dr. Pal?
116
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:42,533
Hey, Jimmy, I'm Dr. Pal!
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That's because I'm a doctor,
but I'm also your pal.
118
00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:46,036
- Are we cool?
- Uh, sure?
119
00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:47,288
Lot of times parents call me in
120
00:04:47,413 --> 00:04:48,956
because I can relate
to younger kids.
121
00:04:49,081 --> 00:04:50,749
I'm down. I'm dope.
You dig?
122
00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:53,168
I understand you have
some concerns about erections.
123
00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:55,004
Oop! Can't say "erection"
in front of the parents.
124
00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:56,797
Oh, God.
It feels so weird, huh?
125
00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:58,173
Well, a little, yes.
126
00:04:58,299 --> 00:05:00,301
Jimmy, there is nothing weird
about random erections.
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00:05:00,426 --> 00:05:01,760
Almost every boy
goes through a phase
128
00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:04,096
where his penis becomes hard
for no particular reason.
129
00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:05,389
It's just part of growing up.
130
00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:07,224
Growing up?
Growing out is more like it.
131
00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:08,559
Oh!
[ Laughs ]
132
00:05:08,684 --> 00:05:09,810
But I have to make it stop.
133
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The talent show
is this F-Friday.
134
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Tell you what, Mom and Dad, why
don't you skedaddle for a tick
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and let us hipsters talk
in privo?
136
00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,901
All right.
Come on, honey.
137
00:05:18,027 --> 00:05:19,069
Jimmy, as you get older,
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00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:21,030
your body goes through
a lot of changes.
139
00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:22,531
Certain hormones
start to release
140
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,908
as your whole reproductive
system begins to awaken.
141
00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:28,078
And so if you like, we can
take off our shirts and kiss.
142
00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:30,998
C-Come again?
143
00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:32,124
Oh! Hey! Nothing!
You see? See?
144
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:33,334
That sent you off
on a different tangent,
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00:05:33,459 --> 00:05:34,585
got you thinking
a different way.
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00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:36,211
That's what Dr. Pal is here
to do --
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00:05:36,337 --> 00:05:38,756
unless you think we should
take off our shirts and kiss.
148
00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,716
N-No, I do not want to take off
our shirts and kiss.
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00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:41,925
Then to hell with you, kid.
150
00:05:42,051 --> 00:05:44,261
You can just deal with
your problems on your own.
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00:05:44,386 --> 00:05:45,846
[ Door opens, closes ]
152
00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:50,809
[ Harp plays ]
153
00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:53,145
MAN: Next up for the talent
show, put your hands together
154
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:56,690
for the incredibly talented
Jimmy Valmer!
155
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,525
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
156
00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,569
Wow.
What -- What a great audience.
157
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,613
So, apparently Martha Stewart
is out of jail.
158
00:06:02,738 --> 00:06:04,531
Have you heard about this?
Have you seen this?
159
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,367
She's very excited to
get started on her new show --
160
00:06:06,492 --> 00:06:09,912
"Martha Stewart Living With
an Electronic Ankle Bracelet."
161
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:12,039
[ Laughter ]
162
00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:14,917
So, it looks like the Vatican
has finally chosen a new pope.
163
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,627
Have you seen this?
Have you heard about this?
164
00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:19,338
[ Bell jingles,
dramatic music plays ]
165
00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,008
Uh, apparently they're going to
call him New Pope
166
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:25,135
and refer to John Paul
as P-Pope Classic.
167
00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,470
[ Light applause ]
168
00:06:26,595 --> 00:06:28,389
Uh, so it -- so it looks
like Michael Jackson
169
00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:29,973
was having back problems
in court.
170
00:06:30,099 --> 00:06:33,060
You -- Uh, you know what they
say about b-b-back problems.
171
00:06:33,185 --> 00:06:35,104
[ Screams ]
172
00:06:35,229 --> 00:06:36,855
[ Indistinct shouting,
laughter ]
173
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:39,066
Uh -- Uh, gee, what a --
what a terrific audience.
174
00:06:39,191 --> 00:06:40,692
W-What a fantastic audience.
175
00:06:40,818 --> 00:06:43,237
Don't worry, Jimmy,
we're not laughing with you.
176
00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:44,780
We're laughing at you.
177
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,281
[ Laughter ]
178
00:06:46,407 --> 00:06:48,575
[ Harp plays ]
179
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:51,787
[ Gasps, screams ]
180
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,832
- [ Grunts ]
- [ Up-tempo music plays ]
181
00:06:54,957 --> 00:06:56,959
BUTTERS: ♪ Loo, loo, loo,
I've got some apples ♪
182
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,002
♪ Loo, loo, loo,
you've got some, too ♪
183
00:06:59,128 --> 00:07:01,088
♪ Loo, loo, loo,
let's get together ♪
184
00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:03,132
- ♪ I know what we can do, loo ♪
- Butters.
185
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:04,800
Oh.
Oh, hey, Jimmy.
186
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,052
I'm just practicing
for the talent show.
187
00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:08,887
Butters, I really need
to talk to somebody,
188
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:11,348
and I think you're the only
person who won't make fun of me.
189
00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:14,268
Oh, gosh. I'd never make fun
of somebody with a problem.
190
00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:16,437
Butters, do you know
what you're supposed to do
191
00:07:16,562 --> 00:07:18,564
when your penis gets hard?
192
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,774
Well, sure I do.
193
00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:21,942
Really?
194
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:25,571
Yes. Sit down, Jimmy.
We should have a little talk.
195
00:07:25,696 --> 00:07:27,990
You see, Jimmy,
when a man's penis becomes hard,
196
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:31,910
the man puts it into a lady,
into her vagina.
197
00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:35,581
Then, the hard penis sneezes
milk inside the lady's tummy,
198
00:07:35,706 --> 00:07:37,291
and after it's all done
sneezing milk,
199
00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,042
the penis stops being hard
200
00:07:39,168 --> 00:07:41,670
and the man loses interest
in the lady.
201
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,798
So when your penis becomes hard,
202
00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:47,050
you're supposed to put it
in a lady's vagina,
203
00:07:47,176 --> 00:07:48,677
and then it stops being hard?
204
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:49,845
That's right, Jimmy.
205
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,847
But where am I gonna find a lady
to stick my penis in?
206
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,057
The talent show is this Friday.
207
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,187
Talk to you, Bertha.
208
00:07:58,312 --> 00:08:00,230
Okay.
See you later, Jessie.
209
00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:02,107
Hey, Bertha.
210
00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:04,526
Oh. Hey, Jimmy.
What's going on?
211
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:05,903
Well, Bertha, I was wondering
212
00:08:06,028 --> 00:08:08,697
if I could stick my penis
in your vagina.
213
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,032
What?!
No way!
214
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,950
But the talent show is tomorrow.
215
00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:13,744
- [ Grunts ]
- Jerk!
216
00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:15,787
Jimmy, Jimmy, what the hell
are you doing, man?
217
00:08:15,913 --> 00:08:17,331
I'm trying to get laid.
What's it look like?
218
00:08:17,456 --> 00:08:18,582
You don't just go up to a girl
219
00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:20,751
and ask her if you can stick
your penis in her vagina.
220
00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:22,002
You have to ask her on a date,
221
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:23,378
take her out
for some Italian food.
222
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:25,214
Wow. Seems like you know a lot
about this stuff, Eric.
223
00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:27,758
- Have you gotten laid before?
- Sure, lots of times.
224
00:08:27,883 --> 00:08:29,635
I've been laid like 5,000 times.
225
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,011
Well, w-what do I do?
226
00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,804
I told you --
a date and then Italian food.
227
00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:34,473
Then you got to make her think
you're a good listener.
228
00:08:34,598 --> 00:08:35,807
Eric, I can't tell you why,
229
00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:38,352
but it's very important
that I score tonight.
230
00:08:38,477 --> 00:08:39,686
Can you come on the date
and help me?
231
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:41,313
You're like a white Hitch.
232
00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,524
Sure. They do this all the time
in movies and TV shows.
233
00:08:43,649 --> 00:08:45,234
You go on the date
and wear an earpiece,
234
00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:46,401
and I'll be nearby,
235
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,529
secretly be telling you
all the right things to say.
236
00:08:48,654 --> 00:08:50,531
Wow.
Thanks, Eric.
237
00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:52,699
[ Doorbell rings ]
238
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:55,410
Shauna, honey, I think
your little date is here.
239
00:08:55,536 --> 00:08:57,079
Okay, Mom!
240
00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,499
Hey, Shauna.
241
00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:01,500
Hi, Jimmy.
242
00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:04,169
Okay, Jimmy. First off,
tell her how good she looks.
243
00:09:04,294 --> 00:09:06,213
Wow, Shauna.
You look f-fantastic.
244
00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:08,257
Thanks, Jimmy.
Where are we going?
245
00:09:08,382 --> 00:09:09,925
We're going to an authentic
Italian restaurant --
246
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,302
Buca di Faggocini.
247
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,598
Welcome to Buca di Faggocini
248
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:19,268
for the authentico experience
Italiano.
249
00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:20,644
My name is Roma.
250
00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:23,522
Can I start you out with some
Lotsa Pasta Macaroni Minis?
251
00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:24,731
Uh, I think we're gonna try
252
00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,567
your authentic
Pizzarelli Calzona Poppers.
253
00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:28,151
Right away.
254
00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:30,696
You know that girl Sally Brahmen
at our school?
255
00:09:30,821 --> 00:09:33,198
- I can't stand her.
- CARTMAN: Jimmy. Jimmy!
256
00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,993
Jimmy, even though what she's
saying isn't interesting at all,
257
00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:37,035
you say, "Wow.
258
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,204
That is very interesting.
Please tell me more."
259
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,873
Wow. That is very interesting.
Please tell me more.
260
00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:42,874
Really?
261
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,835
Well, Kelly bought
the same purse, and I was like,
262
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,712
"No way do I want it now,"
because who wants a purse
263
00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:48,589
that both their best friends
have, right, and so...
264
00:09:48,714 --> 00:09:50,632
Now, when she stops yapping
again, say, "Wow.
265
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:53,051
I've never thought of it that
way before, but you're right."
266
00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:55,387
I guess that's why I figured,
who needs friends like that?
267
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,180
Wow. I've never thought of it
that way before,
268
00:09:57,306 --> 00:09:58,265
but you're right.
269
00:09:58,390 --> 00:09:59,266
It's like I told Debbie,
270
00:09:59,391 --> 00:10:00,851
if you're gonna go out
with my friend...
271
00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:02,519
Jimmy, when she finally shuts
her trap again,
272
00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:04,229
I want you to repeat
whatever she said
273
00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:07,024
and then follow it with, "Wow.
How insightful."
274
00:10:07,149 --> 00:10:09,693
And if you're gonna be that way,
I don't need to be your friend!
275
00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,778
"If you're gonna be that way,
I don't need to be your friend."
276
00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:13,113
Wow.
How insightful.
277
00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:15,699
You know, Jimmy,
you are a great listener.
278
00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:16,617
Really?
279
00:10:16,742 --> 00:10:20,203
Yeah. I mean, no other boys
really communicate like you do.
280
00:10:20,329 --> 00:10:21,788
Oh, I'm so glad you think so,
Shauna,
281
00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:24,291
because I really want to stick
my penis in your vagina.
282
00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:25,751
Yes. Nice, Jimmy.
Very nice.
283
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,420
What?!
I'm not doing that!
284
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:30,589
But the talent show
is tomorrow night.
285
00:10:30,714 --> 00:10:31,506
Creep!
286
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:32,716
- [ Electricity crackling ]
- Ugh!
287
00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:34,343
- [ Feedback ]
- Aah!
288
00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:40,432
[ Indistinct conversations ]
289
00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,225
Welcome, students and parents,
290
00:10:42,351 --> 00:10:45,520
to the annual South Park
Elementary talent show.
291
00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:47,481
[ Light applause ]
292
00:10:47,606 --> 00:10:50,359
We have a lot of little talented
performers to get through,
293
00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:53,904
so the quicker you shut up,
the quicker this will be over.
294
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:55,364
[ Talking stops ]
295
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:58,867
First up, we have Billy Turner
from the third grade,
296
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:02,287
who will be doing
an alto-sax solo.
297
00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:06,166
[ Playing "Frère Jacques"
off-key ]
298
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:17,010
[ Sobbing ]
299
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:20,138
[ Music continues in distance ]
300
00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:23,141
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
301
00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:25,227
Jimmy?
Jimmy Valmer?
302
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:26,353
[ Sniffs ]
Oh.
303
00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:29,356
Hi, Officer B-B-B-B-Barbrady.
304
00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:30,857
Jimmy, what are you doing
out here?
305
00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:32,651
The talent show is inside.
306
00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:34,945
I'm not gonna perform
in the talent show.
307
00:11:35,070 --> 00:11:36,530
[ Sniffs, sobs ]
308
00:11:36,655 --> 00:11:37,906
Not perform?
309
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,825
But, Jimmy,
you love talent shows.
310
00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:41,660
Everyone in town knows that.
311
00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:45,330
I just can't risk
getting up in front of everyone.
312
00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:46,415
Why?
313
00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:49,126
All right! I keep getting
an erection for no reason, okay?
314
00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:51,920
But I can't get any of the girls
here to let me do it to 'em.
315
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,296
Well, of course not, Jimmy.
316
00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:55,507
Little girls don't want to
have sex.
317
00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:57,426
Then why does God make it
so that my penis gets hard
318
00:11:57,551 --> 00:12:00,178
if girls don't want to have it
in their v-vaginas?
319
00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:01,638
It's like a cruel joke.
320
00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:04,474
Well, Jimmy, the girls here
are young and pure.
321
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:08,353
They're not like the ladies
down at Colfax Point.
322
00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,147
C-Colfax Point?
323
00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:13,150
Well, yeah. Those women
will have sex with anybody.
324
00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:14,067
Really?
325
00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:15,861
M-Maybe I can catch the bus
and get down there
326
00:12:15,986 --> 00:12:17,112
before the talent show ends.
327
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,655
T-Thanks, Officer Barbrady.
328
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,824
You're welcome, Jim.
329
00:12:23,452 --> 00:12:24,327
Wait.
330
00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:26,913
- [ Horn honks ]
- MAN: Colfax Point.
331
00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:30,625
Pimps and hoes
and tricks in rows.
332
00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:35,464
Women walk the streets
with corns on their feets.
333
00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:38,884
Broken dreams and no ice creams.
334
00:12:39,009 --> 00:12:41,261
WOMAN:
You lookin' for a date?
335
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,513
Hello?
Hello?
336
00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:45,724
I need to put my p-penis
in a woman's vagina.
337
00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:46,725
Any takers?
338
00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:48,435
Excuse me, ma'am.
What's your name?
339
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,020
They call me Nutgobbler.
340
00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:52,773
Well, Nutgobbler,
I need to get laid.
341
00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:54,274
Huh?
342
00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:56,234
I have a raging hard-on
that just won't quit,
343
00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:58,278
and the talent show
has already started.
344
00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:00,363
You a cop?
345
00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:01,948
No.
Actually, I'm a stand-up comic.
346
00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:04,117
- You got money?
- Sure do.
347
00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:06,369
All right.
You got a place to go?
348
00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:09,247
Sure.
I know the perfect place.
349
00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,916
Welcome to Buca di Faggocini
350
00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:12,876
for the authentic experienco
Italiano.
351
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:14,252
My name is Roma, and --
352
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,254
Oh, it's nice to see you again,
Mr. Valmer.
353
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:17,255
Hey, can it, jackass.
354
00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:19,132
I don't want her to know I was
just here with a different girl.
355
00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:20,675
Oh, right.
Pardon, signore.
356
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:23,637
I'll come back with some
Garlic Bread Mediterranean.
357
00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:26,014
What are we doin', anyway?
358
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:28,099
This is authentic Italian food
straight from S-Sicily.
359
00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:30,060
You should try the
Lotsa Mozzarella Pizza Rolls.
360
00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:31,186
I can't eat too much.
361
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,480
I've got an infected
urinary tract.
362
00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:35,607
I've been pissing blood
for a week.
363
00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:37,359
Oh. Uh, wow.
That is very interesting.
364
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:38,693
Please tell me more.
365
00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:40,904
Huh?
Well, that's it.
366
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:44,991
I just piss blood, so I have to
stick a tampon up my pee hole.
367
00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:47,494
Wow. You know, I've never
thought of it that way before,
368
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:48,495
but you're right.
369
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:50,914
If you're pissing blood, you can
shove a tampon up your pee hole.
370
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:52,791
You are very insightful.
Please tell me more.
371
00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:55,418
Look, kid, what are you doing?
You want to get laid or not?
372
00:13:55,544 --> 00:13:56,419
Of course I want to get laid.
373
00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:57,796
That's why I'm taking you
to this fancy place
374
00:13:57,921 --> 00:13:59,381
and pretending to be interested
in what you have to say.
375
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:00,549
Kid, I'm a hooker.
376
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:03,218
You don't have to take me
to dinner or be nice to me.
377
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:04,719
What?
F-For real?
378
00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:06,304
You paid me,
so you get to do me.
379
00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,348
- It's that simple.
- Well, jumpin' Jesus.
380
00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:09,766
What are we wasting our time
here for, then?
381
00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:11,101
The talent show is happening
right now.
382
00:14:11,226 --> 00:14:12,644
Let's get to r-r-rammin'.
383
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,479
What you doin', ho?!
Having dinner?
384
00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:15,981
You're supposed to be working
for me!
385
00:14:16,106 --> 00:14:18,692
It's where the trick
wanted to go, you bastard!
386
00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:19,901
Trick?
I ain't stupid!
387
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:21,903
Ain't no trick gonna
take you out to dinner.
388
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:24,281
This pimp is trying to
steal you away from me.
389
00:14:24,406 --> 00:14:25,740
This is my ho!
390
00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,117
I beg to differ with you, sir.
391
00:14:27,242 --> 00:14:28,618
I paid for her
and took her out to dinner.
392
00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:29,619
She's my ho.
393
00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,037
Oh, Jesus.
394
00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:32,414
You got a problem, bitch?
395
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,082
Yes, I do have a problem,
as a matter of fact.
396
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,375
I've spent all my money
on this ho,
397
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:36,835
and she's now my only shot
at getting laid,
398
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,920
and the talent show is only
a couple hours from being over.
399
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:40,422
You're coming home right now!
400
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,841
Aah! Let go of my hair,
you son of a bitch!
401
00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:44,259
Sir?
Sir, that is my ho.
402
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,927
I'm gonna kick your ass, ho!
403
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,512
Sir. Sir!
404
00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:50,724
[ Off-key ]
♪ Lying beside you ♪
405
00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:53,101
♪ Here in the dark ♪
406
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:57,689
♪ Feeling your heartbeat
and mine ♪
407
00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:59,399
Oof.
408
00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:01,276
[ Tires squeal ]
409
00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:04,070
Son of a b-b-bitch!
410
00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:05,864
Taxi!
411
00:15:07,157 --> 00:15:08,825
Follow that p-pimp and ho.
412
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:10,535
[ Tires squeal ]
413
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,120
[ Engine revs ]
414
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,831
- Where are you taking me?
- I'm gonna kill you, ho!
415
00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:17,083
No! Please!
Q Money, I'm sorry!
416
00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:18,501
You're already dead, ho!
417
00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:22,380
Sir, I paid for that lady,
and by taking her,
418
00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:24,257
you are no better
than a common thief.
419
00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:26,468
[Bleep] you, punk.
420
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,011
[ Tires screech ]
421
00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:29,888
[ Engine revs ]
422
00:15:30,639 --> 00:15:32,724
Nutgobbler,
grab on to my crutch!
423
00:15:36,937 --> 00:15:38,813
Get your ass back in here, ho!
424
00:15:38,939 --> 00:15:39,856
Aah!
425
00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:41,024
I got you, Nutgobbler.
426
00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:42,609
Aah!
427
00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:43,818
[ Engines revving ]
428
00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:45,737
[ Mid-tempo music playing ]
429
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,572
♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪
430
00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:50,575
♪ I'm not gonna be
in the talent show ♪
431
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,911
♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no ♪
432
00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:56,247
♪ I'll never be
in your faggy talent show ♪
433
00:15:56,373 --> 00:15:58,041
- [ Light applause ]
- Okay.
434
00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:01,628
That was the goth kids with
"Talent Shows Are for Fags."
435
00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,713
That was killer.
We showed them.
436
00:16:03,838 --> 00:16:06,091
Yeah.
I hope we win.
437
00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:08,677
Aah!
438
00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:09,678
Come on, ho!
439
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:14,349
Aah!
440
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,642
Look out!
441
00:16:16,226 --> 00:16:17,268
Huh?
442
00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:18,103
Huh?
443
00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:20,188
Aah!
444
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,315
[ Muffled screaming ]
445
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,484
No!
446
00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:27,487
[ Gunshots,
bullets ricocheting ]
447
00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:28,571
[ Grunts ]
448
00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:30,407
[ Tires squeal ]
449
00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:34,494
[ Grunts ] Stay on him!
I'm not giving up!
450
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,167
- Ta-da!
- [Applause ]
451
00:16:41,292 --> 00:16:43,586
Okay. Very nice,
Clark and Laura.
452
00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:44,838
Very nice.
453
00:16:44,963 --> 00:16:48,967
Our next act is Butters,
who will be singing a song.
454
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,219
There's our boy.
455
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:55,557
[ Up-tempo introduction plays ]
456
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,018
♪ Loo, loo, loo,
I've got some -- ♪
457
00:16:58,143 --> 00:17:00,228
♪ Some, uh -- ♪
458
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:04,524
♪ Some, uh --
Some, uh -- uh... ♪
459
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,401
- [ Music continues ]
- Oh, no!
460
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:09,404
No, no, no!
No!
461
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:12,824
Okay. Thank you, Butters.
Very nice. Short and sweet.
462
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:15,577
[ Dramatic music plays ]
463
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:18,204
God damn!
This pimp just don't give up!
464
00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:19,622
Get next to him.
465
00:17:20,457 --> 00:17:21,332
[ Grunts ]
466
00:17:21,458 --> 00:17:23,668
[ Tires screeching ]
467
00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:27,547
How much do I owe you?
468
00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,550
$6.24.
469
00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:33,887
C-Can I just get $2 back,
please?
470
00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,722
Oh.
Thank you very much.
471
00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:37,515
There you go.
Have a good 'un.
472
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:38,475
Thank you.
473
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,144
[ Engine revs, tires squeal ]
474
00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:46,232
Aah!
475
00:17:46,357 --> 00:17:47,692
[ Grunts ]
476
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,736
You're gonna pay for this,
bitch!
477
00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:51,613
No!
Help!
478
00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:55,825
Aah!
479
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,953
Don't worry, Nutgobbler.
I'm coming.
480
00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:00,872
[ Bell jingles ]
481
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,417
Oh, Jesus.
Not now.
482
00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:07,045
Oh, boy.
This is embarrassing.
483
00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:10,215
And now we have Eric Cartman,
who will be doing
484
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:13,593
select readings
from the movie "Scarface."
485
00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:19,224
[ Cuban accent ]
You know what you are?
486
00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:21,434
You're all a bunch
of [bleep] cockroaches.
487
00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:23,103
You need people like me.
488
00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:25,855
You need people like me so you
can point your [bleep] fingers
489
00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:27,482
and say, "That's the bad guy."
490
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,442
So say good night
to the bad guy.
491
00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:31,903
That's my little boy.
492
00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:34,697
Please, Q Money!
Don't do this!
493
00:18:34,823 --> 00:18:36,533
I told you never to turn on me,
ho!
494
00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:39,536
Hey, j-j-jackass.
495
00:18:40,703 --> 00:18:42,914
I'm sorry I resorted
to calling you jackass just now,
496
00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:44,374
but I'm very upset.
497
00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,917
And what are you gonna do, huh?!
498
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:48,002
I got four feet on you
and a gun.
499
00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:49,087
What do you have?
500
00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:51,631
What do I have?
The weapon of comedy.
501
00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,174
So apparently the Chinese
and the Japanese
502
00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:54,259
aren't getting along lately.
503
00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:55,844
Have you seen this?
Have you heard about this?
504
00:18:56,427 --> 00:18:57,887
- What?
- I'll tell you one thing.
505
00:18:58,012 --> 00:19:00,932
Their food hasn't been getting
along with my stomach for years.
506
00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:03,601
[ Laughs ]
That's pretty good.
507
00:19:03,726 --> 00:19:05,103
Martha Stewart is out of jail.
Have you seen this?
508
00:19:05,228 --> 00:19:07,814
- Have you heard about this?
- [ Laughs ]
509
00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:09,691
Oh, yeah.
That's right. She is.
510
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:12,152
She's apparently gotten good at
baking cakes with keys in them.
511
00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:14,237
[ Laughing ]
512
00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:15,196
[ Grunts ]
513
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:17,115
Serves you right,
you son of a bitch!
514
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,033
Nice teamwork, Nutgobbler.
515
00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:21,202
I can't believe you chased me
all this way.
516
00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:23,705
You -- You really care about me.
517
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,832
Not really. You're just a
hooker, and I need to get laid.
518
00:19:25,957 --> 00:19:27,500
The talent show could be over
any minute.
519
00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:29,544
That's good enough for me.
520
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,462
Take me to bed.
521
00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:34,757
[ Down-tempo introduction
plays ]
522
00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:36,676
♪ Love lifts us up ♪
523
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:39,512
♪ Where we belong ♪
524
00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:44,517
♪ Where the eagles cry ♪
525
00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:47,395
♪ On a mountain high ♪
526
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:48,813
[Applause ]
527
00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:50,356
♪ Love lifts us up ♪
528
00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:53,151
♪ Where we belong ♪
529
00:19:54,485 --> 00:19:57,864
♪ Far from the world below ♪
530
00:19:57,989 --> 00:20:01,409
♪ Up where
the clear winds blow ♪
531
00:20:05,788 --> 00:20:09,292
♪ I've got a Yankee Doodle
sweetheart ♪
532
00:20:09,417 --> 00:20:12,754
♪ She's my Yankee Doodle gal ♪
533
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:16,799
♪ Yankee Doodle went to London
just to buy a pony ♪
534
00:20:16,925 --> 00:20:18,885
♪ I am that Yankee Doodle ♪
535
00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:20,803
♪ I am that Yankee Doodle ♪
536
00:20:20,929 --> 00:20:23,640
♪ I am that Yankee Doodle boy ♪
537
00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:26,392
[ Drumroll, explosion ]
538
00:20:26,517 --> 00:20:28,686
[ Light applause ]
539
00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:31,773
Okay. Very nice, Ike.
Thank you.
540
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:32,774
All right, children.
541
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,692
It looks like we have
no more contestants,
542
00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:37,820
which means the talent show
is over!
543
00:20:37,946 --> 00:20:39,614
[ Cheers and applause ]
544
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:40,907
Mr. Mackey, it's over.
545
00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:42,700
Wha-- Oh, all -- all right.
546
00:20:42,825 --> 00:20:44,869
Now we will tally up
the judges' scores
547
00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:47,288
and find out which act
they hated the least.
548
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,249
JIMMY:
Hold everything.
549
00:20:49,374 --> 00:20:52,919
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
550
00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:01,386
Mrs. Garrison,
if you don't mind,
551
00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:02,887
I'll be taking that microphone.
552
00:21:03,012 --> 00:21:06,557
Okay. Let's put our hands
together for Jimmy Valmer.
553
00:21:06,683 --> 00:21:09,143
[ Light applause ]
554
00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:10,395
Wow.
What a terrific audience.
555
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:11,980
So, apparently it's been
exactly two years
556
00:21:12,105 --> 00:21:13,231
since the fall of Baghdad.
557
00:21:13,356 --> 00:21:14,607
Have you seen this?
Have you heard about this?
558
00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:16,067
Just as B-Bush predicted,
559
00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:18,111
Baghdad fell, Iraq fell,
Saddam fell.
560
00:21:18,236 --> 00:21:20,571
The only thing that didn't
fall -- the price of gas.
561
00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:22,532
[ Laughter ]
562
00:21:22,657 --> 00:21:24,492
I just read in the paper
that China's protesting Japan.
563
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:25,910
Have you seen this?
Have you heard about this?
564
00:21:26,035 --> 00:21:27,245
Yeah. I guess in China
you don't get --
565
00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:29,998
[ Bell jingles ]
566
00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,792
You've got to be kidding me.