♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
[ Bell rings ]
Okay, children.
This week we are all going to learn about...
parenting.
I'm gonna pair all the boys and girls in class into couples
and give each couple...an egg.
You must care for and look after this egg
just like a baby for one full week.
If you break your egg, it means you have a dead baby.
And if you kill your baby, you get an "F."
When I announce your names,
please move and sit with the person you're paired with.
Heidi, you'll be with Eric.
Aw!
Annie, you'll be a family with Timmy.
Timmy!
Millie, your husband is Craig. Powder...
Oh, no, dude. He's gonna put me with Wendy.
Mrph?
So I haven't even spoken to Wendy since we broke up.
And, Wendy... Wendy will be with Kyle.
Kyle?
Bebe, you're paired up with Stan.
Lola and Token. Red and Craig.
And Esther and Bradley.
Now, I'm going to sign each of your eggs myself
so that we'll know it's the same one
at the end of the week.
That way if anybody cheats and tries to replace their eggs,
we'll know...Eric.
All you have to do is make it to Friday
with your egg unharmed
to prove what great little parents you are.
Okay, children.
You can take the rest of the school period
to decorate your egg however you wish.
Good luck, and remember --
A dead baby means an "F" for the parents.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
MR. GARRISON: ♪ Just look at all these little families ♪
♪ Newfound couples in a happy home ♪
♪ It takes me back to another time ♪
♪ When I had a love of my own ♪
♪ Love -- Love lost long ago ♪
♪ It was special then ♪
♪ It's over now ♪
♪ Love -- So darned frail, you know ♪
♪ It shriveled and dried ♪
♪ I don't know how ♪
♪ Love -- Love lost long ago ♪
♪ It was special then ♪
♪ It's over now ♪
♪ Guess that I'll never know how it all went wrong ♪
♪ How? How? How? ♪
♪ But perhaps I should try to boldly go ♪
♪ And rekindle that love lost long ago ♪
[ Insects chirping ]
[ Doorbell rings ]
Hello, Mr. Slave.
Mr. Garrison! Oh, Jesus!
Just let me say what I came here to say.
I know we had a falling-out,
and things were said that shouldn't have been said.
I want to apologize for calling you a faggot.
That's -- That's wonderful, Mr. Garrison.
Well, wait, wait. It gets better.
I've forgiven you for walking out on me
after I had my sex change, and --
and I'm ready to take you back, Mr. Slave!
Ooh.
Well, give us a kiss!
Slave, honey, is that the pizza?
[ Dramatic music plays ]
What the hell is he doing here?!
Mr. Garrison,
Al and I have been living together for a few months.
Well, that didn't take you long, did it?!
Slave, should I leave you two alone?
Yes!
No!
Mr. Garrison, there's something you should know.
Al and I are getting married.
Married?!
Yes.
You can't get married! You're faggots!
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Mr. Slave, I am legally a woman now.
If you want to get married, you have to marry me!
Oh, that's not true.
Colorado is about to pass a bill which allows same-sex marriage.
We're getting married
right after the bill passes on Saturday.
Oh, that's just great.
They're gonna let queers and homos get married, huh?
Okay. That's enough.
Out, Mr. Garrison.
We'll just see about this, you fudge-packing fags!
I'll stop that gay-marriage law.
Oh, my God! You're just saying that because you're jealous!
Jealous of what?
I'm doing this out of principle --
to protect the sanctity of marriage!
Fags are gettin' married over my dead body!
[ Telephone beeping ]
[ Telephone rings ]
Hello? Oh, hey, dude.
So...what are you and Wendy doing?
We're just making a cradle out of an egg carton for our egg.
We figured that way it'll be easier to keep safe
- so we can get an "A." - Uh-huh.
I don't think it's gonna be that hard to keep it from breaking.
This whole assignment is stupid.
Yeah. Well, so is your hat.
[ Telephone beeps ]
[ Doorbell rings ]
Stan, I need you to watch the egg for a while.
I can't. I'm busy.
I've been looking after it all day.
I have to go to the hair salon and the candy store.
So take it with you.
Stan, this is our egg!
We're both supposed to take care of it.
Maybe I didn't want to have an egg with you, okay, Bebe?
Well, whether you wanted to or not doesn't really matter now.
We're going to get graded together.
It's your egg, too.
Own up to your responsibilities!
[ Door closes ]
♪ This is it ♪
♪ This is life ♪
These homosexuals think
they can just step all over our traditions.
Well, I say marriage is a holy sacrament
between a man and a woman!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Who is that lady?
I don't know, but she is pissed!
They passed this law behind our backs!
We need to tell the governor and the world
that gay marriage is not okay,
that homosexuals cannot muddy our traditions.
And there is only one way for us, all together,
to make that message very clear --
We need to round up three or four queers
and beat the living hell out of 'em!
Come on, everybody!
Let's get some queers and some trucks
and have us a good old-fashioned fag drag!
Well, uh, we were thinking we would, you know,
just go appeal to the governor.
Appeal to the governor?
Oh, come on! Where's your balls?!
Fag drag!
We don't hate homosexuals.
We -- We just don't want them to able to marry.
We were just thinking
of going and asking the governor to veto the bill.
Yeah.
F-Fag drag?
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Governor, we have collected over 1,000 signatures
requesting that you veto this gay-marriage bill.
Oh, geez. I knew this would happen.
First, the gay people come in here wanting equal rights.
Then this bill gets passed,
and now all the people against it want me to veto it.
Why do I have to make this decision?!
Because you're the governor?
I just wanted a big house and lots of respect!
I didn't want this kind of responsibility!
I mean, I don't know anything about gay marriage.
What argument can I use to deny them their right to a family?
Well, think of the children.
If you allow gays to get married,
then you're also giving them full rights as parents to adopt.
You think kids can be raised by queers?
I can't use that argument.
There's never been a study done which proves that either way.
[ Bell chimes ]
But...if you had such a study --
a scientific study which proved same-sex couples
are incapable of raising a child...
Then I would have something to fall back on,
s-something to take all the pressure off of me.
Mr. Governor... I will get you that study.
[ Bell rings ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Hey, Wendy. How's your egg doing?
Oh, great. It's a pretty easy project.
Kyle's really good with the egg.
Yeah. I wish I had a partner like Kyle.
I went to go pick up the egg from Stan yesterday,
and his dog had it in its mouth.
Our egg isn't gonna last a week with Stan around.
Okay, students! Change of plan!
You've all been doing a great job
taking care of your eggs,
but now we're gonna mix it up a little.
Wendy and Kyle will no longer be together.
Ha!
Let's see what happens
when we put two same-sex couples together
to take care of an egg, shall we?
Kyle, you are now with Stan, and Wendy is with Bebe.
Why?
Come on, Bebe.
We'll take your egg for you and Wendy to look after.
Oh, goody!
We'll just take this egg for Stan and Kyle to look out for.
No! No. That's my egg.
Wendy, we're doing an experiment.
Here you go, boys.
But I made that egg. Mr. Garrison, please.
Y-You can't give my egg to Stan. He'll break it.
Oh, now, what makes you say that, Wendy?
I'm sure two boys can handle an egg just fine.
And if not... we'll certainly prove a point
to that goddamn governor, won't we?
Who?
Never mind. Just carry on, children.
Just carry on as two reckless little boys will.
Okay. There.
Now we can carry our egg around in this case
without it getting cracked.
Give it to me. I'll take it home tonight.
Look, Stan, you want me to just take care of this egg?
Why do you say that?
It's just that I really need this "A," Stan.
And Bebe did say you almost broke your last egg.
That's because I was pissed off!
- At who? - [ Doorbell rings ]
Hang on.
I want to see my egg.
Huh?
I want to see my egg.
Wendy, it isn't your egg anymore.
Yes, it is. I made it. I decorated it.
Well, you might have made it,
but we're the ones who are taking care of it now.
You have your own egg to look out for.
I just want to hold my egg for a couple minutes.
Wendy, I just want to get an "A," okay?
Let's not make this any more confusing than it already is.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
WENDY: Don't let anything happen to it -- please.
Wendy, nothing's gonna happen to the egg.
You can have it when the week is over and I get my grade.
Freakin' weirdos, man.
You think you're so great, don't you?
Well, guess what. Maybe I don't need your help.
I'm taking the egg home tonight,
and I'm gonna show everybody tomorrow
that I'm every bit as good a egg take-care-of-er as you!
What the hell is wrong with everybody?
[ Bell rings ]
Okay, children. It's Wednesday.
Time for an official egg check.
Heidi and Eric?
Our egg is fine.
Okay. Annie and Timmy?
Timmy!
Good.
Millie and Clyde, I saw yours before class.
- Powder and Kenny? - Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Now how about our gay couple, Stan and Kyle?
Fine.
What?
No problems at all.
That's impossible!
Are you sure you didn't break it and switch eggs on me?
Where's my signature?
It's -- It's right there. See?
Two boys can't possibly take care of an egg!
Dude, it's totally fine.
It isn't fine!
It has two daddies! You call that fine?!
It may be fine on the outside,
but inside it's confused and embarrassed!
Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies!
♪ Two daddies! Two daddies! ♪
Come on, class! Let's rip on the freak egg!
♪ Two daddies! Two daddies! ♪
Tom, I'm standing outside the governor's office,
where, in just two days, the governor can either sign or veto
the new bill allowing gay marriage.
Same-sex couples from all over the state
have shown up in support,
while dissenters have also converged.
The governor is about to give a statement.
I believe that I might have come up with a compromise
to this whole problem that will make everyone happy.
People in the gay community
want the same rights as married couples,
but dissenters don't want the word "marriage" corrupted.
So how about we let gay people get married
but call it something else?
You homosexuals will have all the exact same rights
as married couples.
But instead of referring to you as married,
you can be butt buddies.
Instead of being "man and wife," you'll be "butt buddies."
You won't be "betrothed."
You'll be "butt buddies."
Get it?
Instead of a bride and groom, you'd be butt buddies.
We want to be treated equally!
You are equal.
It's just that instead of getting engaged,
you would be butt buddies.
And everyone is happy.
Well, what about lesbians?
Well, like anyone cares about fucking dykes.
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Oh, God. I was sure that would work.
Damn it, damn it!
Stan and Kyle's egg is still doing fine.
Those little assholes are screwing up my whole plan.
[ Knock on door ]
Yes? What?!
[ Door opens, closes ]
What the hell is this?
I broke the egg.
You broke your egg?!
But you're partnered with a girl!
I tried to cover it up --
tried to put it back together with modeling glue,
tried to seal it with a soldering gun -- but I give up.
I can't hide it. I broke the egg.
Did you tell anyone else about this?
No.
Did you tell your egg partner, Heidi?
No. That's why I'm here.
I think you should still give Heidi an "A" on the project.
You see, I broke the egg, not her.
And so I should get an "F" and she should get an "A,"
which means together the grade should average out
to a C-minus for both of us.
I can't do that, Eric.
Damn it! I knew you'd say that!
You always have it out for me!
You have to get an "A," Eric.
Here. I'll sign this new egg for you.
And we'll pretend this never happened, all right?
Just put on the old hair, color in the same eyes.
There we go. Good as new.
Now go enjoy the rest of your recess.
Mr. Garrison...
you've never been this cool to me before.
Okay. Well, you're welcome, Eric.
Now just run along.
Why are you doing this?
Because I'm a nice teacher, all right?
What do you want from me?
Nothing! It's all okay!
Just take your damn egg!
No.
Eric, you've never been anything but a problem for me.
You're taking that egg, and if you break it again,
I'll break both your legs and burn down your house!
- Do you hear me?! - Yes, teacher.
Now get out of my face!
[ Door opens, closes ]
Ugh, this scientific study isn't turning out the way I planned!
Looks like I'm gonna have to...intervene.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Are you Jakartha?
Who the hell are you?
Mrs. Garrison.
I spoke to your associates on the telephone.
Ah, yes.
You are interested in my services.
I have a little problem I need taken care of.
I heard you're the best.
Who do you want me to kill?
What is this?
It's an egg.
You want me to kill an egg?
I can pay $2,000 now,
$3,000 more when the job is finished.
What do you expect me to do with it?
I don't care -- scramble it, fry it -- do what you will.
It has to look like an accident.
I am a serious assassin.
Get out of my face!
What's the matter? You afraid you can't do it?
Can't say that I blame you.
That egg has caused me nothing but problems since day one.
I guess you're not as good as they say you are.
I am the greatest killer the world has ever seen.
Then why are you scared of one little egg?
I will murder that egg,
and I will make it curse the day it was laid!
That's more like it.
Day five. I made it.
[ Telephone rings ]
Hello?
- Did you hear what's happening? - What?
Garrison is taking us on a field trip today.
He wants to do the final egg check
in front of the governor's office.
The governor's office?
He's really taking this grade seriously, Stan.
I'm gonna come over so we can take our egg to school together.
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
I took care of this egg, Kyle, not you.
Okay, Stan. You've been an asshole to me all week.
- What is up? - What's up?
Oh, nothing, except you've been trying to impress Wendy all week
like a pathetic dickhole!
Impress Wendy?
You've set it up to look like you're this awesome prince
and I'm just a loser.
What the hell are you talking about?
Well, guess what. I'm gonna take this egg to class myself.
And I'm gonna hold it up in front of Wendy and say, "see?
I'm every bit as good as Kyle is."
[ Gunshot, glass breaks ]
Almost too easy.
[ Screaming ]
Stan?
[ Screaming ]
Stan?
Stan, I think we should talk.
Dude, you should just go be with Wendy and be happy.
Stan, I don't like Wendy.
All I cared about was getting an "A" on this stupid project.
Yeah. Well, I blew it.
Now we're gonna fail and Wendy thinks I'm a total loser.
I thought you didn't care about Wendy anymore.
I don't. She's totally lame.
Stan, there was never anything between Wendy and I.
I wouldn't go out with my best friend's ex-girlfriend.
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
I'm sorry I didn't trust you, Kyle.
I'm obviously just a crappy best friend to have.
Yeah. Well, I'm sorry I didn't trust you either.
Huh?
It was really important for me to get an "A,"
and Bebe said you were so reckless with your egg.
So I made a fake one for you...
and kept the original safe with me.
That's -- That's the real egg with Garrison's signature?
Yeah, dude. I'm sorry.
Then -- Then Wendy won't think I'm a total loser.
Yeah! And I can still get my "A."
Come on, buddy. Let's go.
Stan?
Do you really think my hat is stupid?
[ Music continues ]
As a matter of fact...
I think it is the nicest hat I've ever known.
Come on!
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Today is a very big day
in which I'm supposed to make a very big decision.
As some of you know, my biggest issue with gay marriage
regards child-rearing.
And a new study has just been concluded
which will give me the ability
to take no personal responsibility in this decision.
A new study?
Here with the results of that study
is the lovely Mrs. Garrison.
Thank you, Governor.
Oh. Jesus Christ.
Ladies and gentlemen,
with the help of some adorable fourth-grade students,
we've completed our scientific, nonbiased study
of fags having kids.
Come on up, children.
The parents were grouped together as male and female.
As you can see --
Uh, Mrs. Garrison, you have an emergency phone call.
Yes. What is it? I'm a little busy!
- [ Horns honking ] - Mr. Garrison, it's Kyle.
Our egg is okay! We'll be there in a couple of minutes!
What? Y-You're...You're too late!
Don't fail us. We'll be right there!
No, you can't -- Hello? Hello?!
You told me you killed that freak egg!
I was sure I did.
Well, it's here!
You'd better make damn sure
it doesn't reach these steps uncracked.
[ Chuckles ]
Anyhow, as I was saying,
we put one egg into the hands of two male students.
Thanks, dude!
There! Over there!
Excuse us! Excuse us, please!
Yaaaagh!
- [ Machine-gun fire ] - Jesus Christ!
- Just keep running! - MAN: Hey!
The -- The egg that the two boys were given does --
Hang on! Wait!
- Oh! - [ Beep ]
[ Explosions, crowd shouting ]
In conclusion, Governor, you can rest assured that --
Oh!
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Teacher...our egg is...okay.
This egg is fine.
Gays can get married!
[ Cheering ]
No! No!
Gays can get married? What?
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
I now pronounce you man and man.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Boys, I'm really proud of you.
You've done an amazing thing for gay-marriage rights.
What did we do?
Stan, I'm sorry I doubted you.
You really made a great dad.
Like I give a crap about what you think, Wendy.
MR. GARRISON: ♪ Love -- Love lost long ago ♪
♪ It was special then ♪
♪ It's over now ♪
♪ Guess that I'll never know how it all went wrong ♪
♪ How? How? How? ♪
♪ But perhaps I should try to boldly go ♪
♪ And rekindle that love ♪
♪ Lost long ago ♪