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♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪
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♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
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♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
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♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
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♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
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♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
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♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
8
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Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
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♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
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[ Bell rings ]
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Okay, children.
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This week we are
all going to learn about...
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parenting.
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I'm gonna pair all the boys
and girls in class into couples
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and give each couple...an egg.
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You must care for
and look after this egg
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just like a baby
for one full week.
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If you break your egg,
it means you have a dead baby.
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And if you kill your baby,
you get an "F."
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When I announce your names,
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please move and sit with
the person you're paired with.
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Heidi, you'll be with Eric.
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Aw!
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Annie, you'll be a family
with Timmy.
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Timmy!
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Millie, your husband is Craig.
Powder...
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Oh, no, dude.
He's gonna put me with Wendy.
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Mrph?
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So I haven't even spoken
to Wendy since we broke up.
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And, Wendy...
Wendy will be with Kyle.
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Kyle?
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Bebe, you're paired up
with Stan.
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Lola and Token.
Red and Craig.
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And Esther and Bradley.
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Now, I'm going to sign
each of your eggs myself
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so that we'll know
it's the same one
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at the end of the week.
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That way if anybody cheats
and tries to replace their eggs,
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we'll know...Eric.
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All you have to do
is make it to Friday
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with your egg unharmed
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to prove what great
little parents you are.
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Okay, children.
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You can take
the rest of the school period
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to decorate your egg
however you wish.
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Good luck, and remember --
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A dead baby means an "F"
for the parents.
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[ Down-tempo music plays ]
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MR. GARRISON: ♪ Just look at
all these little families ♪
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♪ Newfound couples
in a happy home ♪
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♪ It takes me back
to another time ♪
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♪ When I had a love of my own ♪
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♪ Love -- Love lost long ago ♪
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♪ It was special then ♪
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♪ It's over now ♪
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♪ Love -- So darned frail,
you know ♪
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♪ It shriveled and dried ♪
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♪ I don't know how ♪
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♪ Love -- Love lost long ago ♪
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♪ It was special then ♪
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♪ It's over now ♪
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♪ Guess that I'll never know
how it all went wrong ♪
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♪ How? How? How? ♪
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♪ But perhaps I should try
to boldly go ♪
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♪ And rekindle that love
lost long ago ♪
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[ Insects chirping ]
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[ Doorbell rings ]
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Hello, Mr. Slave.
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Mr. Garrison!
Oh, Jesus!
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Just let me say
what I came here to say.
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I know we had a falling-out,
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and things were said
that shouldn't have been said.
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I want to apologize
for calling you a faggot.
74
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That's -- That's wonderful,
Mr. Garrison.
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Well, wait, wait.
It gets better.
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I've forgiven you
for walking out on me
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after I had my sex change,
and --
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and I'm ready to take you back,
Mr. Slave!
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Ooh.
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Well, give us a kiss!
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Slave, honey, is that the pizza?
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[ Dramatic music plays ]
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What the hell is he doing here?!
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Mr. Garrison,
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Al and I have been living
together for a few months.
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Well, that didn't take you long,
did it?!
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Slave, should I leave
you two alone?
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Yes!
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No!
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Mr. Garrison, there's something
you should know.
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Al and I are getting married.
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Married?!
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Yes.
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You can't get married!
You're faggots!
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Oh, Jesus Christ.
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Mr. Slave, I am legally
a woman now.
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If you want to get married,
you have to marry me!
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Oh, that's not true.
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Colorado is about to pass a bill
which allows same-sex marriage.
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We're getting married
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right after the bill passes
on Saturday.
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Oh, that's just great.
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They're gonna let queers
and homos get married, huh?
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Okay. That's enough.
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Out, Mr. Garrison.
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We'll just see about this,
you fudge-packing fags!
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I'll stop that gay-marriage law.
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Oh, my God! You're just saying
that because you're jealous!
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Jealous of what?
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I'm doing this
out of principle --
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to protect the sanctity
of marriage!
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Fags are gettin' married
over my dead body!
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[ Telephone beeping ]
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[ Telephone rings ]
115
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Hello?
Oh, hey, dude.
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So...what are
you and Wendy doing?
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We're just making a cradle out
of an egg carton for our egg.
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We figured that way
it'll be easier to keep safe
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- so we can get an "A."
- Uh-huh.
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I don't think it's gonna be that
hard to keep it from breaking.
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This whole assignment is stupid.
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Yeah.
Well, so is your hat.
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[ Telephone beeps ]
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[ Doorbell rings ]
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Stan, I need you
to watch the egg for a while.
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I can't.
I'm busy.
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I've been looking after it
all day.
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I have to go to the hair salon
and the candy store.
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So take it with you.
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Stan, this is our egg!
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We're both supposed to take care
of it.
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Maybe I didn't want to have an
egg with you, okay, Bebe?
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Well, whether you wanted to or
not doesn't really matter now.
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We're going to get graded
together.
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It's your egg, too.
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Own up to your
responsibilities!
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[ Door closes ]
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♪ This is it ♪
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♪ This is it ♪
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♪ This is life ♪
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These homosexuals think
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they can just step all over
our traditions.
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Well, I say marriage
is a holy sacrament
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between a man and a woman!
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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Who is that lady?
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I don't know,
but she is pissed!
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They passed this law
behind our backs!
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We need to tell the governor
and the world
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that gay marriage is not okay,
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that homosexuals cannot muddy
our traditions.
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And there is only one way
for us, all together,
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to make that message
very clear --
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We need to round up
three or four queers
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and beat the living hell
out of 'em!
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Come on, everybody!
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Let's get some queers
and some trucks
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and have us a good old-fashioned
fag drag!
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00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:05,634
Well, uh, we were thinking
we would, you know,
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just go appeal to the governor.
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Appeal to the governor?
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Oh, come on!
Where's your balls?!
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Fag drag!
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We don't hate homosexuals.
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We -- We just don't want them
to able to marry.
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We were just thinking
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of going and asking the governor
to veto the bill.
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Yeah.
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F-Fag drag?
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[ Dramatic music plays ]
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Governor, we have collected
over 1,000 signatures
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requesting that you veto
this gay-marriage bill.
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Oh, geez.
I knew this would happen.
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First, the gay people come
in here wanting equal rights.
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Then this bill gets passed,
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and now all the people
against it want me to veto it.
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Why do I have to make
this decision?!
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Because you're the governor?
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I just wanted a big house
and lots of respect!
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I didn't want this kind
of responsibility!
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I mean, I don't know anything
about gay marriage.
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What argument can I use to deny
them their right to a family?
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00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:04,651
Well, think of the children.
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00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:06,278
If you allow gays
to get married,
185
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:09,239
then you're also giving them
full rights as parents to adopt.
186
00:08:09,364 --> 00:08:11,783
You think kids
can be raised by queers?
187
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I can't use that argument.
188
00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:16,455
There's never been a study done
which proves that either way.
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[ Bell chimes ]
190
00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:20,667
But...if you had such a study --
191
00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:24,087
a scientific study
which proved same-sex couples
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00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:26,381
are incapable
of raising a child...
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Then I would have something
to fall back on,
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00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:30,677
s-something to take
all the pressure off of me.
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00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:35,724
Mr. Governor...
I will get you that study.
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00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:36,725
[ Bell rings ]
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[ Indistinct conversations ]
198
00:08:38,310 --> 00:08:39,937
Hey, Wendy.
How's your egg doing?
199
00:08:40,062 --> 00:08:42,189
Oh, great.
It's a pretty easy project.
200
00:08:42,314 --> 00:08:43,815
Kyle's really good
with the egg.
201
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,069
Yeah. I wish I had
a partner like Kyle.
202
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:49,154
I went to go pick up the egg
from Stan yesterday,
203
00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:50,739
and his dog had it
in its mouth.
204
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,033
Our egg isn't gonna last
a week with Stan around.
205
00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:56,411
Okay, students!
Change of plan!
206
00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:58,205
You've all been doing
a great job
207
00:08:58,330 --> 00:08:59,289
taking care of your eggs,
208
00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:01,583
but now we're gonna
mix it up a little.
209
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:04,586
Wendy and Kyle
will no longer be together.
210
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:05,879
Ha!
211
00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:07,005
Let's see what happens
212
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:09,716
when we put
two same-sex couples together
213
00:09:09,841 --> 00:09:11,260
to take care of an egg,
shall we?
214
00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:14,930
Kyle, you are now with Stan,
and Wendy is with Bebe.
215
00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:16,682
Why?
216
00:09:17,266 --> 00:09:18,225
Come on, Bebe.
217
00:09:18,350 --> 00:09:20,519
We'll take your egg for you
and Wendy to look after.
218
00:09:20,644 --> 00:09:21,603
Oh, goody!
219
00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:24,356
We'll just take this egg for
Stan and Kyle to look out for.
220
00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:25,899
No! No.
That's my egg.
221
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,943
Wendy, we're doing
an experiment.
222
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,820
Here you go, boys.
223
00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:32,114
But I made that egg.
Mr. Garrison, please.
224
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:34,283
Y-You can't give my egg to Stan.
He'll break it.
225
00:09:34,408 --> 00:09:37,160
Oh, now, what makes you
say that, Wendy?
226
00:09:37,286 --> 00:09:40,831
I'm sure two boys
can handle an egg just fine.
227
00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:43,458
And if not...
we'll certainly prove a point
228
00:09:43,584 --> 00:09:46,295
to that goddamn governor,
won't we?
229
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:47,170
Who?
230
00:09:47,296 --> 00:09:50,215
Never mind.
Just carry on, children.
231
00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:54,511
Just carry on as two reckless
little boys will.
232
00:09:58,140 --> 00:09:59,558
Okay. There.
233
00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:01,226
Now we can carry
our egg around in this case
234
00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:02,394
without it getting cracked.
235
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:04,438
Give it to me.
I'll take it home tonight.
236
00:10:04,563 --> 00:10:06,898
Look, Stan, you want me to
just take care of this egg?
237
00:10:07,024 --> 00:10:08,066
Why do you say that?
238
00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:10,652
It's just that
I really need this "A," Stan.
239
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:13,530
And Bebe did say
you almost broke your last egg.
240
00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,198
That's because
I was pissed off!
241
00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:16,992
- At who?
- [ Doorbell rings ]
242
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,619
Hang on.
243
00:10:20,871 --> 00:10:21,997
I want to see my egg.
244
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:22,914
Huh?
245
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,334
I want to see my egg.
246
00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:27,753
Wendy, it isn't your egg
anymore.
247
00:10:27,878 --> 00:10:30,297
Yes, it is. I made it.
I decorated it.
248
00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:31,465
Well, you might have made it,
249
00:10:31,590 --> 00:10:33,342
but we're the ones
who are taking care of it now.
250
00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:35,010
You have your own egg
to look out for.
251
00:10:35,594 --> 00:10:37,638
I just want to hold my egg
for a couple minutes.
252
00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:39,222
Wendy, I just want to get
an "A," okay?
253
00:10:39,348 --> 00:10:41,683
Let's not make this any more
confusing than it already is.
254
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:43,018
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
255
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:47,064
WENDY: Don't let anything
happen to it -- please.
256
00:10:47,189 --> 00:10:48,440
Wendy, nothing's gonna happen
to the egg.
257
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:51,360
You can have it when the week
is over and I get my grade.
258
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:54,696
Freakin' weirdos, man.
259
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:56,531
You think you're so great,
don't you?
260
00:10:56,657 --> 00:10:58,950
Well, guess what.
Maybe I don't need your help.
261
00:10:59,076 --> 00:11:00,369
I'm taking the egg home tonight,
262
00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:01,745
and I'm gonna show
everybody tomorrow
263
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:04,623
that I'm every bit as good
a egg take-care-of-er as you!
264
00:11:07,376 --> 00:11:09,670
What the hell is wrong
with everybody?
265
00:11:09,795 --> 00:11:11,171
[ Bell rings ]
266
00:11:11,296 --> 00:11:13,674
Okay, children.
It's Wednesday.
267
00:11:13,799 --> 00:11:15,759
Time for an official egg check.
268
00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,010
Heidi and Eric?
269
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:18,178
Our egg is fine.
270
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:19,763
Okay.
Annie and Timmy?
271
00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:21,056
Timmy!
272
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:22,140
Good.
273
00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:24,309
Millie and Clyde,
I saw yours before class.
274
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,520
- Powder and Kenny?
- Mrph rmhmhm rm!
275
00:11:26,645 --> 00:11:30,107
Now how about our gay couple,
Stan and Kyle?
276
00:11:30,232 --> 00:11:31,525
Fine.
277
00:11:32,109 --> 00:11:32,901
What?
278
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,528
No problems at all.
279
00:11:35,112 --> 00:11:36,321
That's impossible!
280
00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:39,616
Are you sure you didn't break it
and switch eggs on me?
281
00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:40,826
Where's my signature?
282
00:11:40,951 --> 00:11:42,619
It's -- It's right there.
See?
283
00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:45,789
Two boys can't possibly
take care of an egg!
284
00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:47,165
Dude, it's totally fine.
285
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:48,417
It isn't fine!
286
00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:50,961
It has two daddies!
You call that fine?!
287
00:11:51,086 --> 00:11:52,629
It may be fine on the outside,
288
00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:54,798
but inside it's confused
and embarrassed!
289
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:57,718
Look at the freak egg!
It has two daddies!
290
00:11:57,843 --> 00:12:00,303
♪ Two daddies!
Two daddies! ♪
291
00:12:00,429 --> 00:12:02,639
Come on, class!
Let's rip on the freak egg!
292
00:12:02,764 --> 00:12:05,434
♪ Two daddies!
Two daddies! ♪
293
00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:08,270
Tom, I'm standing outside
the governor's office,
294
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,606
where, in just two days, the
governor can either sign or veto
295
00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:13,692
the new bill
allowing gay marriage.
296
00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:15,527
Same-sex couples
from all over the state
297
00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:16,737
have shown up in support,
298
00:12:16,862 --> 00:12:19,072
while dissenters
have also converged.
299
00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:21,533
The governor
is about to give a statement.
300
00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:24,619
I believe that I might have
come up with a compromise
301
00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:27,247
to this whole problem
that will make everyone happy.
302
00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:29,249
People in the gay community
303
00:12:29,374 --> 00:12:31,293
want the same rights
as married couples,
304
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:34,713
but dissenters don't want
the word "marriage" corrupted.
305
00:12:34,838 --> 00:12:37,007
So how about we let
gay people get married
306
00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:39,134
but call it something else?
307
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:43,889
You homosexuals will have
all the exact same rights
308
00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:45,140
as married couples.
309
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:48,477
But instead of referring
to you as married,
310
00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:51,772
you can be butt buddies.
311
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:58,028
Instead of being "man and wife,"
you'll be "butt buddies."
312
00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:00,781
You won't be "betrothed."
313
00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:03,283
You'll be "butt buddies."
314
00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:04,409
Get it?
315
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:09,289
Instead of a bride and groom,
you'd be butt buddies.
316
00:13:09,414 --> 00:13:11,416
We want to be treated equally!
317
00:13:11,541 --> 00:13:12,542
You are equal.
318
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:15,253
It's just that
instead of getting engaged,
319
00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:17,964
you would be butt buddies.
320
00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:20,133
And everyone is happy.
321
00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:21,885
Well, what about lesbians?
322
00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:24,471
Well, like anyone cares
about fucking dykes.
323
00:13:24,596 --> 00:13:27,474
[ Indistinct shouting ]
324
00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:31,686
Oh, God.
I was sure that would work.
325
00:13:32,687 --> 00:13:33,730
Damn it, damn it!
326
00:13:33,855 --> 00:13:36,274
Stan and Kyle's egg
is still doing fine.
327
00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:38,735
Those little assholes
are screwing up my whole plan.
328
00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:39,986
[ Knock on door ]
329
00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:41,112
Yes?
What?!
330
00:13:41,238 --> 00:13:43,198
[ Door opens, closes ]
331
00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:48,745
What the hell is this?
332
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,121
I broke the egg.
333
00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:51,498
You broke your egg?!
334
00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:53,250
But you're partnered
with a girl!
335
00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:54,584
I tried to cover it up --
336
00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:56,419
tried to put it back together
with modeling glue,
337
00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:58,421
tried to seal it with a
soldering gun -- but I give up.
338
00:13:58,547 --> 00:14:01,049
I can't hide it.
I broke the egg.
339
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:03,343
Did you tell anyone else
about this?
340
00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:04,719
No.
341
00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:06,721
Did you tell your egg partner,
Heidi?
342
00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:08,223
No.
That's why I'm here.
343
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,725
I think you should still give
Heidi an "A" on the project.
344
00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:13,061
You see, I broke the egg,
not her.
345
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:16,022
And so I should get an "F"
and she should get an "A,"
346
00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:17,858
which means together
the grade should average out
347
00:14:17,983 --> 00:14:19,568
to a C-minus for both of us.
348
00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:21,403
I can't do that, Eric.
349
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:22,904
Damn it!
I knew you'd say that!
350
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,406
You always have it out for me!
351
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:25,866
You have to get an "A," Eric.
352
00:14:25,991 --> 00:14:27,909
Here.
I'll sign this new egg for you.
353
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:30,537
And we'll pretend this
never happened, all right?
354
00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:33,123
Just put on the old hair,
color in the same eyes.
355
00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:34,666
There we go.
Good as new.
356
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:37,377
Now go enjoy
the rest of your recess.
357
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,715
Mr. Garrison...
358
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,342
you've never been
this cool to me before.
359
00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:45,635
Okay.
Well, you're welcome, Eric.
360
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,470
Now just run along.
361
00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:50,932
Why are you doing this?
362
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:54,269
Because I'm a nice teacher,
all right?
363
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,437
What do you want from me?
364
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:56,938
Nothing!
It's all okay!
365
00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:59,065
Just take your damn egg!
366
00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:01,735
No.
367
00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:04,112
Eric, you've never been anything
but a problem for me.
368
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,323
You're taking that egg,
and if you break it again,
369
00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:08,617
I'll break both your legs
and burn down your house!
370
00:15:08,742 --> 00:15:10,452
- Do you hear me?!
- Yes, teacher.
371
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:13,038
Now get out of my face!
372
00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:14,039
[ Door opens, closes ]
373
00:15:14,164 --> 00:15:17,626
Ugh, this scientific study isn't
turning out the way I planned!
374
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:21,254
Looks like I'm gonna
have to...intervene.
375
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:26,343
[ Indistinct conversations ]
376
00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:29,179
Are you Jakartha?
377
00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:30,847
Who the hell are you?
378
00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:31,973
Mrs. Garrison.
379
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:34,809
I spoke to your associates
on the telephone.
380
00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:35,977
Ah, yes.
381
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:39,230
You are interested
in my services.
382
00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:43,151
I have a little problem
I need taken care of.
383
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:44,736
I heard you're the best.
384
00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:48,323
Who do you want me to kill?
385
00:15:54,871 --> 00:15:56,206
What is this?
386
00:15:56,331 --> 00:15:58,124
It's an egg.
387
00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:00,377
You want me to kill an egg?
388
00:16:00,502 --> 00:16:01,878
I can pay $2,000 now,
389
00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:03,672
$3,000 more
when the job is finished.
390
00:16:04,255 --> 00:16:06,216
What do you expect me
to do with it?
391
00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:08,885
I don't care -- scramble it,
fry it -- do what you will.
392
00:16:09,970 --> 00:16:13,223
It has to look like an accident.
393
00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:14,891
I am a serious assassin.
394
00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:17,394
Get out of my face!
395
00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:20,814
What's the matter?
You afraid you can't do it?
396
00:16:20,939 --> 00:16:22,232
Can't say that I blame you.
397
00:16:22,357 --> 00:16:25,151
That egg has caused me nothing
but problems since day one.
398
00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:29,614
I guess you're not as good
as they say you are.
399
00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:33,034
I am the greatest killer
the world has ever seen.
400
00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:35,578
Then why are you scared
of one little egg?
401
00:16:35,704 --> 00:16:36,997
I will murder that egg,
402
00:16:37,122 --> 00:16:39,666
and I will make it curse
the day it was laid!
403
00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:41,793
That's more like it.
404
00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:48,049
Day five.
I made it.
405
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:49,217
[ Telephone rings ]
406
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:49,884
Hello?
407
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:51,886
- Did you hear what's happening?
- What?
408
00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:53,471
Garrison is taking us
on a field trip today.
409
00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:54,806
He wants to do
the final egg check
410
00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:56,266
in front
of the governor's office.
411
00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:57,475
The governor's office?
412
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,269
He's really taking
this grade seriously, Stan.
413
00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:02,230
I'm gonna come over so we can
take our egg to school together.
414
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:03,940
Oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?
415
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:05,775
I took care of this egg, Kyle,
not you.
416
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:07,819
Okay, Stan. You've been
an asshole to me all week.
417
00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:08,987
- What is up?
- What's up?
418
00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:11,406
Oh, nothing, except you've been
trying to impress Wendy all week
419
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:12,824
like a pathetic dickhole!
420
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:13,867
Impress Wendy?
421
00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:15,952
You've set it up to look like
you're this awesome prince
422
00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:16,995
and I'm just a loser.
423
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:18,455
What the hell
are you talking about?
424
00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:20,957
Well, guess what. I'm gonna take
this egg to class myself.
425
00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:23,084
And I'm gonna hold it up
in front of Wendy and say, "see?
426
00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:25,712
I'm every bit as good
as Kyle is."
427
00:17:25,837 --> 00:17:27,172
[ Gunshot, glass breaks ]
428
00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:30,717
Almost too easy.
429
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:33,595
[ Screaming ]
430
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:34,971
Stan?
431
00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:38,475
[ Screaming ]
432
00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:47,108
Stan?
433
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:48,526
Stan, I think we should talk.
434
00:17:48,651 --> 00:17:51,654
Dude, you should just go
be with Wendy and be happy.
435
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,114
Stan, I don't like Wendy.
436
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:55,325
All I cared about was getting
an "A" on this stupid project.
437
00:17:55,450 --> 00:17:56,868
Yeah.
Well, I blew it.
438
00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:59,496
Now we're gonna fail and Wendy
thinks I'm a total loser.
439
00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:01,414
I thought you didn't care
about Wendy anymore.
440
00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:03,583
I don't.
She's totally lame.
441
00:18:04,709 --> 00:18:07,420
Stan, there was never anything
between Wendy and I.
442
00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:09,756
I wouldn't go out with
my best friend's ex-girlfriend.
443
00:18:09,881 --> 00:18:11,716
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
444
00:18:11,841 --> 00:18:13,510
I'm sorry I didn't trust you,
Kyle.
445
00:18:13,635 --> 00:18:16,012
I'm obviously just a crappy
best friend to have.
446
00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:18,890
Yeah. Well, I'm sorry
I didn't trust you either.
447
00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:19,599
Huh?
448
00:18:19,724 --> 00:18:21,684
It was really important
for me to get an "A,"
449
00:18:21,810 --> 00:18:23,937
and Bebe said you were
so reckless with your egg.
450
00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:26,189
So I made a fake one for you...
451
00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:28,608
and kept the original safe
with me.
452
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:31,277
That's -- That's the real egg
with Garrison's signature?
453
00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:32,779
Yeah, dude.
I'm sorry.
454
00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:35,031
Then -- Then Wendy won't think
I'm a total loser.
455
00:18:35,156 --> 00:18:37,367
Yeah!
And I can still get my "A."
456
00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:39,160
Come on, buddy.
Let's go.
457
00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:40,286
Stan?
458
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:42,747
Do you really think my hat
is stupid?
459
00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:44,374
[ Music continues ]
460
00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:46,126
As a matter of fact...
461
00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:49,045
I think it is the nicest hat
I've ever known.
462
00:18:51,214 --> 00:18:52,715
Come on!
463
00:18:52,841 --> 00:18:54,384
[ Dramatic music plays ]
464
00:18:54,509 --> 00:18:56,136
Today is a very big day
465
00:18:56,261 --> 00:18:58,888
in which I'm supposed to make
a very big decision.
466
00:18:59,013 --> 00:19:01,891
As some of you know, my biggest
issue with gay marriage
467
00:19:02,016 --> 00:19:03,351
regards child-rearing.
468
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,562
And a new study
has just been concluded
469
00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:07,230
which will give me the ability
470
00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:10,066
to take no personal
responsibility in this decision.
471
00:19:10,191 --> 00:19:11,609
A new study?
472
00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:13,361
Here with the results
of that study
473
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:16,072
is the lovely Mrs. Garrison.
474
00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:17,407
Thank you, Governor.
475
00:19:17,532 --> 00:19:19,993
Oh.
Jesus Christ.
476
00:19:20,118 --> 00:19:21,035
Ladies and gentlemen,
477
00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:23,454
with the help of some
adorable fourth-grade students,
478
00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:27,000
we've completed our scientific,
nonbiased study
479
00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:28,543
of fags having kids.
480
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,837
Come on up, children.
481
00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:34,674
The parents were grouped
together as male and female.
482
00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:35,717
As you can see --
483
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:39,596
Uh, Mrs. Garrison, you have
an emergency phone call.
484
00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:41,973
Yes. What is it?
I'm a little busy!
485
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,516
- [ Horns honking ]
- Mr. Garrison, it's Kyle.
486
00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:45,810
Our egg is okay! We'll be there
in a couple of minutes!
487
00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:48,938
What?
Y-You're...You're too late!
488
00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:51,441
Don't fail us.
We'll be right there!
489
00:19:51,566 --> 00:19:53,860
No, you can't --
Hello? Hello?!
490
00:19:53,985 --> 00:19:55,945
You told me you killed
that freak egg!
491
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,363
I was sure I did.
492
00:19:57,488 --> 00:19:58,406
Well, it's here!
493
00:19:58,531 --> 00:19:59,532
You'd better make damn sure
494
00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:02,202
it doesn't reach these steps
uncracked.
495
00:20:02,327 --> 00:20:03,203
[ Chuckles ]
496
00:20:03,328 --> 00:20:04,829
Anyhow, as I was saying,
497
00:20:04,954 --> 00:20:08,583
we put one egg into the hands
of two male students.
498
00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:11,544
Thanks, dude!
499
00:20:11,669 --> 00:20:13,463
There!
Over there!
500
00:20:13,588 --> 00:20:16,507
Excuse us!
Excuse us, please!
501
00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:18,343
Yaaaagh!
502
00:20:18,468 --> 00:20:20,178
- [ Machine-gun fire ]
- Jesus Christ!
503
00:20:20,303 --> 00:20:22,222
- Just keep running!
- MAN: Hey!
504
00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:25,433
The -- The egg that the two boys
were given does --
505
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:26,893
Hang on!
Wait!
506
00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:28,603
- Oh!
- [ Beep ]
507
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:31,731
[ Explosions, crowd shouting ]
508
00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:34,609
In conclusion, Governor,
you can rest assured that --
509
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,069
Oh!
510
00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:38,488
[ Dramatic music plays ]
511
00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:48,957
Teacher...our egg is...okay.
512
00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:53,419
This egg is fine.
513
00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:55,338
Gays can get married!
514
00:20:55,463 --> 00:20:57,590
[ Cheering ]
515
00:20:59,717 --> 00:21:01,803
No! No!
516
00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:04,347
Gays can get married?
What?
517
00:21:04,472 --> 00:21:06,557
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
518
00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:11,938
I now pronounce you man and man.
519
00:21:13,481 --> 00:21:15,608
[ Cheers and applause ]
520
00:21:20,738 --> 00:21:22,156
Boys, I'm really proud of you.
521
00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:25,410
You've done an amazing thing
for gay-marriage rights.
522
00:21:25,535 --> 00:21:26,536
What did we do?
523
00:21:26,661 --> 00:21:28,371
Stan, I'm sorry I doubted you.
524
00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:30,790
You really made a great dad.
525
00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:34,002
Like I give a crap
about what you think, Wendy.
526
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:38,589
MR. GARRISON:
♪ Love -- Love lost long ago ♪
527
00:21:38,715 --> 00:21:40,008
♪ It was special then ♪
528
00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:41,968
♪ It's over now ♪
529
00:21:42,093 --> 00:21:46,806
♪ Guess that I'll never know
how it all went wrong ♪
530
00:21:46,931 --> 00:21:49,600
♪ How? How? How? ♪
531
00:21:49,726 --> 00:21:53,730
♪ But perhaps I should try
to boldly go ♪
532
00:21:53,855 --> 00:21:55,606
♪ And rekindle that love ♪
533
00:21:55,732 --> 00:21:59,694
♪ Lost long ago ♪