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♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪
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♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
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♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
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♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
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♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
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♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
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♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
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Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
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♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
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Oh, dude, check it out!
I got a Jake Plummer.
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Aw, man. I got a crappy
A.J. Feeley again.
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How come you didn't buy
any cards, Stan?
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I can't spend any money.
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I'm saving up for that bike
I want.
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Ha! Saving money!
Duh!
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So, what should we do now?
It's Saturday.
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We have to have
as much fun as possible.
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Hey, I know. Let's go
play laser tag at Funplex.
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Mrph rmh!
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No. I don't want to spend
any money, you guys.
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Let's just do something
fun that's free.
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Stan, don't you know
the first law of physics?
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Anything that's fun
costs at least $8.
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Yeah, dude.
Nothing fun is free.
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Well, I can't spend any money.
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Okay, be a Jew.
We're gonna go play laser tag.
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Yeah.
See ya!
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Hello. Would you like
to take a personality test?
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It's fun and it's free.
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Excuse me?
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We're doing
free personality tests today.
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What do I have to do?
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Have you heard of Scientology?
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It's all based
on the book "Dianetics."
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A lot of really cool people
are Scientologists,
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like Tom Cruise
and John Travolta.
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Why don't you come on in
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and we'll get your fun,
free personality test started?
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Let's just find
an empty room here.
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Lots of people
getting free tests today.
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Hey, Brian!
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Hey, Kelly!
How's it going?
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Great. I want you to meet
my new friend, Stan.
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Hey there! How are you?
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Fine.
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Brian's gonna give you
your personality test
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and then let you know
some things about Scientology.
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Good times.
Good times.
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Look, is this a religion?
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Because my family is, like,
Catholic or something.
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Oh, that's not a problem at all.
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Scientology is more
of an alternative to psychology
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than a religion.
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Then how come that sign says
"Church of Scientology"?
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Oh, that's just this thing.
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What's the Denver Broncos'
record now, 6-2?
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7-2.
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Wow!
That's great!
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All right.
Come on in and take a seat.
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We're gonna have some fun.
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All right. I'm just gonna
ask you a few questions.
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Just answer these as truthfully
as you can, all right?
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Okay. Number one --
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Do you ever make remarks
which you later regret?
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Uh...sure?
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Uh-huh.
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Would you rather give orders
than take them?
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Yeah.
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Do you ever whistle
just for the fun of it?
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[ Down-tempo music plays ]
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Okay.
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And, finally,
does life sometimes feel vague
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and confusing to you?
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Yes.
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Okay, Stan.
Well, that's it.
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That's the end
of the personality test.
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So, how'd I do?
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Well, I hate to tell you this,
Stan, but...
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you are one messed-up kid.
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- Huh?!
- Yeah.
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I'm afraid that you
are completely miserable
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and totally depressed.
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I am?
I didn't know that!
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Well, there's certainly
no question
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that you are a perfect
candidate for Scientology.
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I think it can really
make you happy again.
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W-What do I do?
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It's very simple.
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We just need $240.
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Stanley, you haven't touched
your food.
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What's the matter with you?
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I'm totally depressed.
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- What? Why?
- I don't know.
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Well, how long
have you been feeling this way?
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I'm not sure.
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But...I need $240.
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$240?
What'd you do, break something?
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No. I found a self-help
program that can cure me.
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Oh, Jesus.
The answer is no, Stanley.
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But I'm completely miserable,
and these people can help.
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Stanley, I didn't know
you were miserable.
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Neither did I!
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Stanley, do you have
any concept of money at all?
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Money doesn't grow on trees,
you know.
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Don't you care
that I'm depressed?
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What if I become suicidal or --
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or become an alcoholic
like Grandpa?
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Huh?!
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Well, if you really think
your life is so bad, Stan,
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why don't you take what you have
out of your bicycle savings?
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Well, but --
but that's my money.
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Well, just like the rest of us,
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you have to make choices
with your money.
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You want a bike or do you
want to not be depressed?
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Michelle, our friend Stan
wants to have auditing.
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Oh, good for you!
You're gonna be so happy.
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I hope so.
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It's the beginning of a whole
new life for you, Stan.
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See you afterwards.
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Great.
So, do you have the $240?
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Perfect!
We're on our way.
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Come on over here,
and I'll fill you in
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on how
the Church of Scientology works.
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You see, Stan,
Scientology was founded
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by a great man
named L. Ron Hubbard.
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Mr. Hubbard discovered
that negative emotions
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are actually caused by things
called body thetans.
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- Really?
- Yes!
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And being the genius
that he was,
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Mr. Hubbard invented a way
to get rid of those bad thetans.
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This is called an e-meter.
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It's the main tool
of Scientology.
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You just grab hold
of these handles
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as I talk you through
past experiences in your life.
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I'll be taking readings here,
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and we'll be able to determine
your thetan levels.
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Thetan levels.
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00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:03,637
Come on in the auditing room,
and I'll show you how it works.
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[ Machines beeping ]
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All these people
are just like you, Stan,
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auditing with e-meters to get
rid of their negative emotions.
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All right, Stan.
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I want you to just relax
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and take hold
of the e-meter handles.
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So, this is gonna make me happy?
146
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Just take a few deep breaths,
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and I'll just get a base reading
of your thetan levels.
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[ Breathes deeply ]
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[ Humming, beeping ]
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Huh.
That's -- That's strange.
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00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:31,707
What?
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Some-- Something's wrong.
153
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Brian, could you come over here
a second?
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Yeah.
Oh, hey there, Greg!
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Stan.
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Will you look
at his thetan levels?
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Huh. Well -- Well,
get another e-meter.
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This one's obviously broken.
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Sorry about this, Greg.
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And so we just try to analyze
your personality.
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And if it seems like
you need some help,
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then you can have audit
counseling for a nominal fee.
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Well, that sounds
pretty reasonable, m'kay.
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Mike, I need to talk to you.
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Excuse me, sir.
I'll be right back.
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Are you all right?
You're sweating!
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- Take a look at this.
- What is it?
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The e-meter results
from the little boy in room D.
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- [ Dramatic music plays ]
- This...This can't be right.
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We ran the test four times.
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We used four different e-meters.
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Fax these results to
the head office in Los Angeles.
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The president has to see this
right away.
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Go! Now!
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The boy is from a small
mountain town in Colorado, sir.
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Sir, how can it be
that a first-timer
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scores that kind
of thetan level?
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He registered O.T. 9.
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I'm only O.T. 7, and I've been
in the church all my life!
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I've waited 42 years
for this day.
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Sir?
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Don't you all see
what this means?
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There's only one person
who ever registered O.T. 9
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in the history of our church.
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[ Choir vocalizing ]
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L. Ron Hubbard said
he had lived past lives,
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that when he died, his thetan
would show itself again.
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Our prophet has returned.
189
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:10,139
Uh, Stanley, take the garbage
out before you go to bed.
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00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:11,682
I took out the garbage
yesterday.
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Right now, Stan.
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[ Groans ]
193
00:07:15,978 --> 00:07:18,522
Stupid, dumb garbage.
194
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- [ Crowd cheering ]
- MAN: There he is!
195
00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:28,907
Thank you for returning!
196
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:32,828
[ Crying ] He's wonderful.
He's wonderful.
197
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,914
Stan, what the hell did you do?
198
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:37,207
I don't know!
199
00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:45,591
Hello, young man.
200
00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:47,426
I'm the head of Scientology.
201
00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:51,430
It is...a great honor
to meet you.
202
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,726
All right.
What the hell is going on here?
203
00:07:55,851 --> 00:07:58,812
We've been looking for your son
for a long time, Mr. Marsh.
204
00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:02,941
He is the reincarnation of our
church's most sacred prophet.
205
00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,151
What?
206
00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:05,777
Scientologists the world over
207
00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:07,905
are simply rejoicing
in his second coming.
208
00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:11,033
Look, we don't want our son
to join your group, okay?
209
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,327
We're not asking him to join us.
210
00:08:13,452 --> 00:08:16,121
We're asking him to lead us.
211
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:19,333
Oh, my God.
It's John Travolta.
212
00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:22,794
Is this where he lives?
Is this where L. Ron Hubbard is?
213
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:23,837
Oh, my God!
214
00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:26,173
Yes, John Travolta
and Tom Cruise
215
00:08:26,298 --> 00:08:27,674
are big Scientologists.
216
00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,176
Do you believe me now?
217
00:08:29,301 --> 00:08:31,970
Young man,
I know you don't remember it,
218
00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:34,848
but your name
was L. Ron Hubbard.
219
00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:36,225
You revealed a secret
220
00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,894
which began the whole
Church of Scientology.
221
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,771
Okay, Stan.
It's late.
222
00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:42,773
Go up to your room
and get ready for bed.
223
00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:45,192
Let Mommy and Daddy handle this.
224
00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:50,197
Jesus Christ.
225
00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:51,156
L. Ron?
226
00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:53,075
L. Ron!
227
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,618
It really is you!
228
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:57,412
Oh, this is the greatest day
of my life.
229
00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:58,747
Aw, dude, I need to go to bed.
230
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,249
Don't you understand, L. Ron?
231
00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:01,959
It's me -- Tom Cruise!
232
00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:03,252
Yeah, I know who you are.
233
00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:04,753
Haven't I done well, L. Ron?
234
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,338
Haven't you enjoyed my acting?
235
00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:08,131
Which film did you like best?
236
00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:11,301
Well, I mean, you're not...
you're not, like,
237
00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:13,679
as good as Leonardo DiCaprio,
but you're okay, I guess.
238
00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:15,264
What?
239
00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:16,890
I mean, you're not Gene Hackman
240
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,600
or that guy
that played Napoleon Dynamite,
241
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:19,851
but you're okay.
242
00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:21,311
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
243
00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:22,604
I'm nothing.
244
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,940
I'm a failure
in the eyes of the prophet!
245
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,483
[ Screams ]
246
00:09:26,608 --> 00:09:29,236
Hey! Dude, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
247
00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:30,821
Go away!
248
00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:32,364
Dude, this is my room!
249
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:35,117
Go away, I said!
250
00:09:35,701 --> 00:09:39,246
Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out
of the closet!
251
00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:40,205
What?
252
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:43,542
Tom Cruise locked himself in my
closet, and he won't come out.
253
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:47,963
Mr. Cruise?
254
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,173
Mr. Cruise,
come out of the closet.
255
00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:51,800
No.
256
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,885
Come on, Mr. Cruise.
This is ridiculous.
257
00:09:54,011 --> 00:09:55,804
I'm never coming out!
258
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:56,930
What did you say to him?
259
00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,807
I just told him I thought
the "Napoleon Dynamite" guy
260
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,268
- is a better actor than he is.
- Oh, boy.
261
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:04,062
Mr. Cruise, you can't just stay
in the closet, all right?
262
00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:05,188
You need to come out.
263
00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,189
What's going on?
264
00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:07,774
Tom Cruise won't come out
of the closet.
265
00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:10,068
- What?
- Just leave me alone!
266
00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:11,486
Well, we can't leave you alone
267
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:13,905
because you won't come out
of the closet.
268
00:10:14,990 --> 00:10:17,075
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
269
00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:20,954
It's been four hours now,
270
00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:23,957
and Tom Cruise still
will not come out of the closet.
271
00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:25,584
Hundreds of onlookers
have gathered here
272
00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:28,378
in hopes that the celebrity
will finally give in.
273
00:10:28,503 --> 00:10:31,423
Tom Cruise,
this is Park County police.
274
00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:34,635
Please come out of the closet.
275
00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:36,720
[ Insects chirping ]
276
00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:40,807
Everybody here just wants you
to come out of the closet, Tom.
277
00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:45,896
Nobody's gonna be mad.
Everything's gonna be all right.
278
00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:47,439
Just come out of the closet.
279
00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:50,692
We're still not exactly sure
why Tom Cruise is in the closet,
280
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:51,943
but I'm being joined now
281
00:10:52,069 --> 00:10:54,488
by famous singer/songwriter
R. Kelly.
282
00:10:54,613 --> 00:10:56,406
♪ Well, I was
just standing here ♪
283
00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:59,076
♪ And Tom Cruise locked himself
in the closet ♪
284
00:10:59,201 --> 00:11:00,202
♪ And I ask myself ♪
285
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,996
♪ "Why won't Tom Cruise
just come out the closet?" ♪
286
00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:05,332
♪ But nobody has no answers ♪
287
00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:07,292
♪ And so I pull out my gun ♪
288
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:08,460
- [ Crowd screaming ]
- [ Gun cocks ]
289
00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:10,253
♪ Tell me why Tom Cruise
in the closet ♪
290
00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:12,547
♪ Or else
I'm gonna shoot someone ♪
291
00:11:13,382 --> 00:11:16,843
Please understand we just want
what is best for your son.
292
00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,637
The reincarnation
of L. Ron Hubbard
293
00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,514
must be taken care of.
294
00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:22,307
He had many enemies.
295
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:24,851
Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard
a science-fiction writer?
296
00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:27,479
Yes, but he was also a prophet
297
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:30,565
who knew the secret truth
about the nature of life.
298
00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:33,485
This is just too much.
299
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,237
We want to reveal to Stan
300
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,739
the great secret of life
behind our church,
301
00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:41,034
the safely guarded
Scientology doctrine.
302
00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:44,496
Please. Your son deserves
to be enlightened.
303
00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:45,956
Stan, do you want to hear
304
00:11:46,081 --> 00:11:48,875
the great secret doctrine
of life behind Scientology?
305
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,085
Sure.
306
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,837
All right.
Go ahead and tell him.
307
00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:53,755
Would you excuse us, please?
308
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:56,091
This is highly classified
Church information.
309
00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,427
Aw, rats.
310
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,887
Usually, to hear
the secret doctrine,
311
00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:03,515
you have to be in the church
for several years, Stan.
312
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,892
Are you ready to hear the truth?
313
00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,394
I-I guess.
314
00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:08,770
You see, Stan,
315
00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:11,773
there is a reason for people
feeling sad and depressed --
316
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,483
an alien reason.
317
00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:17,112
It all began
75 million years ago.
318
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:20,240
Back then, there was a galactic
federation of planets,
319
00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:23,160
which was ruled over
by the evil Lord Xenu.
320
00:12:23,285 --> 00:12:25,162
[ Laughs evilly ]
321
00:12:25,287 --> 00:12:27,748
PRESIDENT: Xenu thought
his galaxy was overpopulated,
322
00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:29,708
and so he rounded up
countless aliens
323
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:33,378
from all different planets and
then had those aliens frozen.
324
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:35,714
Aah!
325
00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:38,675
[ Laughs evilly ]
326
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:39,926
PRESIDENT:
The frozen alien bodies
327
00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:42,137
were loaded onto
Xenu's galactic cruisers,
328
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,015
which looked like DC-8s,
except with rocket engines.
329
00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:47,184
The cruisers then took
the frozen alien bodies
330
00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:49,269
to our planet, Earth,
331
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,855
and dumped them
into the volcanoes of Hawaii.
332
00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:54,733
The aliens were no longer
frozen.
333
00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:55,942
They were dead.
334
00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:58,695
The souls of those aliens,
however, lived on,
335
00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:01,281
and all floated up
towards the sky.
336
00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:04,242
But the evil Lord Xenu
had prepared for this.
337
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:05,702
[ Laughs evilly ]
338
00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:07,621
PRESIDENT: Xenu didn't want
their souls to return,
339
00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:10,707
and so he built giant
soul catchers in the sky!
340
00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:12,292
[Aliens screaming ]
341
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:13,710
PRESIDENT:
The souls were taken
342
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,295
to a huge soul-brainwashing
facility
343
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:17,464
which Xenu had also built
on Earth.
344
00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:19,341
There the souls
were forced to watch days
345
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,926
of brainwashing material,
346
00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:23,637
which tricked them
into believing a false reality.
347
00:13:23,762 --> 00:13:25,847
Xenu then released
the alien souls,
348
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:29,100
which roamed the earth
aimlessly in a fog of confusion.
349
00:13:29,226 --> 00:13:30,769
At the dawn of man,
350
00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:33,688
the souls finally found bodies
which they could grab on to.
351
00:13:33,814 --> 00:13:36,107
They attached themselves
to all mankind,
352
00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:38,985
which still to this day
causes all our fears,
353
00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:42,322
our confusions,
and our problems.
354
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:44,866
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
355
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,743
L. Ron Hubbard
did an amazing thing,
356
00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:48,620
telling the world
this incredible truth.
357
00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:52,791
Now all we're asking you to do
is pick up where he left off.
358
00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:55,168
But I don't know
any of this stuff.
359
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:56,920
Neither did L. Ron
when he started.
360
00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:58,922
He said he just closed his eyes
361
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:01,174
and wrote down
whatever came to mind.
362
00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:03,677
You can do the same.
Just let it flow.
363
00:14:03,802 --> 00:14:05,262
Okay.
I'll try.
364
00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:06,680
I just wish I could write
in my room,
365
00:14:06,805 --> 00:14:08,181
but Tom Cruise won't come out
of the closet.
366
00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:09,015
I know.
367
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:11,810
We've sent Nicole Kidman up
to see if she can help.
368
00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:16,648
Tom?
Tom, it's Nicole.
369
00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:18,608
TOM CRUISE:
H-Hi, Nicole.
370
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:21,194
Tom, don't you think this has
gone on long enough?
371
00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:24,197
It's time for you to come out
of the closet.
372
00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:25,824
I'm not --
I'm not in the closet.
373
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,325
Yes, you are, Tom.
374
00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:30,495
And you need to just end this
and come out.
375
00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:33,707
I'm not gonna think
any differently of you.
376
00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:35,750
Katie's not gonna think
any differently of you.
377
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:38,795
You don't need to be
in that closet anymore, Tom.
378
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,797
I'm not in here, though.
379
00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:43,300
Yes, you are.
380
00:14:43,425 --> 00:14:45,802
I'm not -- I'm not in a closet.
381
00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:48,430
Then how am I talking to you,
Tom?
382
00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:52,058
Tom, you can't hide forever
383
00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:54,311
just because the reincarnation
of L. Ron Hubbard
384
00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:56,146
doesn't like your acting.
385
00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:59,399
Come out of the closet, Tom.
You're not fooling anyone.
386
00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:02,360
But I'm not --
I'm not in here.
387
00:15:06,323 --> 00:15:08,074
Yeah.
Yeah!
388
00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,535
Hey, Stan.
We're gonna go to the movies.
389
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,996
I can't. I'm writing a new
sacred doctrine for my church.
390
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,207
Look, Stan,
we're really getting concerned
391
00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:17,667
about this cult
you're getting into.
392
00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:19,836
Cult?
Scientology isn't a cult, Kyle!
393
00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:22,047
I've read all this stuff,
and it's based on fact.
394
00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:24,215
Dude, L. Ron Hubbard was
a science-fiction writer.
395
00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:26,092
He lived on a boat
with only young boys
396
00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:28,178
and got busted
by the feds numerous times.
397
00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:29,304
I did not!
398
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,181
Those are rumors put out
by people who are afraid
399
00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:32,807
because they don't know
the secret truth!
400
00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:34,684
What secret truth?
401
00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:37,145
I can't tell unless you pay for
a few years of audit counseling.
402
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,730
All I know is I was depressed
before,
403
00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:40,148
and now I've found meaning.
404
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,691
I didn't know
you were depressed.
405
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:42,692
Neither did I.
406
00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:45,320
But now if you guys can't accept
this great thing I belong to,
407
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,113
then I suppose
we're no longer friends.
408
00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,908
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
409
00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:53,453
Stan, I just want you to know
410
00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:56,289
that I still hate Kyle
more than you.
411
00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:05,173
Tom! Hey, Tom.
It's John Travolta.
412
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,257
TOM CRUISE:
Oh, hey, John.
413
00:16:06,383 --> 00:16:08,885
Tom, you got to come out
of the closet. Oh, my God.
414
00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:11,596
L. Ron Hubbard doesn't think
I'm a great actor.
415
00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:15,141
M-Maybe you took what he said
out of context.
416
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:16,226
Okay.
417
00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:17,811
It's like,
if you don't come out,
418
00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:20,438
can I at least come in
and talk to you?
419
00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:23,358
Well...okay.
But no tricks.
420
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,360
No tricks.
421
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,117
Hey, it's really nice in here.
422
00:16:32,242 --> 00:16:33,118
TOM CRUISE:
Yeah. See?
423
00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:35,870
JOHN TRAVOLTA:
I feel really safe. Oh, my God.
424
00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:38,289
Hello?
425
00:16:38,415 --> 00:16:39,916
Hey, come out of there!
426
00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:42,252
Tom, it now appears
that John Travolta
427
00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:45,588
is also in the closet
and he refuses to come out!
428
00:16:45,714 --> 00:16:49,259
Here with more details
once again is R. Kelly.
429
00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:51,219
♪ I was just standing here ♪
430
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,555
♪ Tom Cruise locked himself
in the closet ♪
431
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,806
♪ Then John Travolta come ♪
432
00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:57,517
♪ And now John Travolta
in the closet, too ♪
433
00:16:57,642 --> 00:16:59,436
♪ Please, Tom Cruise
and John Travolta ♪
434
00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:00,979
♪ Come out of the closet ♪
435
00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:03,064
♪ But then I calm myself down ♪
436
00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:05,150
- ♪ And I pull out my gun ♪
- [ Crowd screaming ]
437
00:17:05,275 --> 00:17:06,943
Oh, Jesus!
Here we go with the gun again.
438
00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:08,069
♪ If Tom Cruise
and John Travolta ♪
439
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,070
♪ Don't come out of the closet ♪
440
00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,406
♪ I'm gonna cap this bitch ♪
441
00:17:12,282 --> 00:17:13,867
Yes. Yes.
442
00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:15,660
Oh, this is great, Stan.
443
00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:16,828
I wrote that, um...
444
00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:18,913
our followers shouldn't fly
in DC-8s anymore
445
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:21,082
because they're too much
like Xenu's evil cruisers.
446
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:23,418
Yes, of course.
It's so wonderful.
447
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,170
And I wrote
that the evil Lord Xenu
448
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:27,130
has recently broken out
of galactic jail.
449
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:28,506
Yes.
Of course!
450
00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,759
And best of all, I wrote
that all the Scientologists
451
00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:33,428
should no longer
have to pay money to belong.
452
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:34,471
What?
453
00:17:34,596 --> 00:17:36,389
I realized that to really be
a church,
454
00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:37,807
we can't charge people for help.
455
00:17:37,932 --> 00:17:39,476
What are you, stupid?
456
00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:41,686
Then how do we make money
from those people?
457
00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:44,147
- [ Down-tempo music plays ]
- Well, it's not about the money.
458
00:17:44,272 --> 00:17:45,565
It's about the message, right?
459
00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:48,026
Wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa!
460
00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:51,237
You don't actually believe
this crap, do you?
461
00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:55,200
Dummy!
Brainwashed alien souls?!
462
00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,910
E-meters and thetan levels?!
463
00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:58,703
Those people out there buy
that crap,
464
00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:00,455
but I thought
you were smart enough
465
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,082
to see what was really going on.
466
00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:03,291
But you said that there was --
467
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,418
What's better than telling
people a stupid story
468
00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:07,212
and having them believe you?
469
00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:10,131
Having them pay you for it,
stupid!
470
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,591
But then...why me?
471
00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:13,593
Why do you need me to write
something so badly?
472
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,220
Because if those people
all think
473
00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:17,055
you're the reincarnation
of L. Ron Hubbard,
474
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,015
then they'll all buy
your new writings,
475
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:23,353
and you and I together
will make $3 million!
476
00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:24,729
$3 million?
477
00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:26,314
That's how a scam works!
478
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,651
But this is a scam
on a global scale.
479
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,779
Do you fucking get me now?
480
00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,906
Yeah.
Yeah, I get you.
481
00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:38,409
Then keep writing, L. Ron.
Your people are waiting.
482
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,578
Breaking news
here in South park.
483
00:18:40,703 --> 00:18:42,247
Tom Cruise and John Travolta
484
00:18:42,372 --> 00:18:44,874
still will not come out
of the closet.
485
00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:47,710
Park County police have decided
to try a new method.
486
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,757
♪ Now, I've been asked
to come up here ♪
487
00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:54,968
♪ And get you both
out of the closet ♪
488
00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:57,262
♪ Man, this is
some crazy shit ♪
489
00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,389
♪ Why won't you both just
come out the closet? ♪
490
00:18:59,514 --> 00:19:00,890
♪ And they said ♪
491
00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:03,434
BOTH: ♪ We're not coming
out the closet ♪
492
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,770
♪ So you can just go away ♪
493
00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:07,856
♪ But everyone wants you
out the closet ♪
494
00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:10,400
BOTH: ♪ That doesn't matter
'cause we're gonna stay ♪
495
00:19:10,525 --> 00:19:12,402
♪ Now I'm starting
to get angry ♪
496
00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:14,946
- ♪ So I pull out my gun ♪
- [ Crowd screaming ]
497
00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:16,447
♪ I'm gonna give you
count to three ♪
498
00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:17,782
♪ To open this closet door ♪
499
00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,826
♪ One,
I'm gonna shoot you both ♪
500
00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:21,911
♪ Two,
I'm gonna cap some bitch ♪
501
00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:23,830
♪ Three... ♪
502
00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:31,796
♪ Now I'm in the closet ♪
503
00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:34,215
♪ Now I'm in the closet, too ♪
504
00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:36,718
My fellow Scientologists...
505
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,803
Our prophet has finished
his new doctrine
506
00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:40,680
and will now read some passages
507
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:43,975
before making it available
to you all for a nominal fee.
508
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:45,602
[ Cheers and applause ]
509
00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:49,772
I give you...the reincarnation
of L. Ron Hubbard!
510
00:19:49,898 --> 00:19:51,941
[ Cheers and applause ]
511
00:19:56,988 --> 00:19:58,656
Uh, thanks.
512
00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:00,575
So, first of all...
513
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,994
I've written that
the brainwashed alien ghosts
514
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,830
are actually from a galaxy
called Nubunon.
515
00:20:05,955 --> 00:20:07,790
- Oh!
- Oh!
516
00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:08,625
Nubunon!
517
00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:11,419
And uh...uh...
518
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:14,422
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
519
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,177
I-I can't do this.
520
00:20:19,302 --> 00:20:20,678
What?
521
00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:22,096
Look, everybody.
522
00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:24,849
We're all looking for answers,
you know?
523
00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:27,727
We all want to understand who
we are and where we come from,
524
00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,897
but sometimes we want to know
the answers so badly
525
00:20:31,022 --> 00:20:32,690
that we believe
just about anything.
526
00:20:33,316 --> 00:20:35,235
- Huh?
- What?
527
00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:38,029
I'm not the reincarnation
of L. Ron Hubbard.
528
00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:42,033
And...Scientology is just
a big fat global scam.
529
00:20:43,618 --> 00:20:44,494
Oh!
530
00:20:44,619 --> 00:20:46,496
We are gonna sue you!
531
00:20:46,621 --> 00:20:47,497
- What?
- Yeah!
532
00:20:47,622 --> 00:20:49,540
You think you can say
our religion is a lie?
533
00:20:49,666 --> 00:20:51,042
We'll sue you, buddy!
534
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,418
You told me it was a lie!
535
00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,212
Oh, now you're putting words
in my mouth!
536
00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:56,214
You are so sued!
537
00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:58,383
You can't make fun
of Scientology, kid.
538
00:20:58,508 --> 00:21:00,885
We are gonna sue your ass
and your balls.
539
00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:02,512
- Yeah!
- That's right!
540
00:21:02,637 --> 00:21:05,223
How dare you mock our faith,
you little punk?
541
00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:07,517
You'll be hearing
from our lawyers tomorrow!
542
00:21:07,642 --> 00:21:09,936
We've just had an incredible
development here, Mitch.
543
00:21:10,061 --> 00:21:12,730
Tom Cruise, John Travolta,
and R. Kelly
544
00:21:12,855 --> 00:21:15,233
have all come out of the closet!
545
00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:19,737
So, you're not the prophet, huh?
546
00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:22,407
You made me look stupid.
I'm gonna sue you, too!
547
00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:24,242
Well, fine!
Go ahead and sue me!
548
00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:26,369
I will!
I'll sue you in England!
549
00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:28,454
You are so sued, kid!
550
00:21:28,579 --> 00:21:30,164
Well, go on, then!
Sue me!
551
00:21:30,290 --> 00:21:31,874
We're going to!
552
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,584
Okay! Good!
Do it!
553
00:21:33,710 --> 00:21:34,919
I'm not scared of you!
554
00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:36,713
Sue me!