1
00:00:08,968 --> 00:00:12,430
♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪
2
00:00:12,555 --> 00:00:14,098
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
3
00:00:14,223 --> 00:00:15,683
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
4
00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,894
♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
5
00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:20,604
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
6
00:00:20,730 --> 00:00:22,481
♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
7
00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:25,484
♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
8
00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:28,988
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
9
00:00:29,113 --> 00:00:33,325
♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
10
00:00:34,493 --> 00:00:35,703
- INSTRUCTOR: Oots!
- STUDENTS: Oots!
11
00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:37,246
- INSTRUCTOR: Oots!
- STUDENTS: Oots!
12
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,581
- Oots!
- STUDENTS: Oots!
13
00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:39,999
- Oots!
- Oots!
14
00:00:40,124 --> 00:00:41,625
- Oots!
- Oots!
15
00:00:41,751 --> 00:00:42,877
Oots bung sah!
16
00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:43,669
Oots!
17
00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:45,755
Oots bung sah!
Kyah!
18
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,132
Cartman-san, what are you doing?
19
00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,884
I'm doing some
sweet bung sah moves.
20
00:00:50,009 --> 00:00:51,927
I'm a little better
than everyone else here.
21
00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:54,430
Eric-san,
you must follow direction.
22
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,931
You rack a dis-a-prin.
23
00:00:56,057 --> 00:00:58,059
Nuh-unh!
I don't rack a dis-a-prin!
24
00:00:58,184 --> 00:01:02,104
Yes!
You all need more dis-a-prin!
25
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:06,025
True dis-a-prin come from
within.
26
00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:08,736
We are out of time.
I will see you on Tuesday.
27
00:01:08,861 --> 00:01:10,946
- [ Speaks Japanese ]
- ALL: Oots!
28
00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:12,198
Dude, we got to hurry home!
29
00:01:12,323 --> 00:01:13,949
The final episode of "Lost"
is on soon!
30
00:01:14,075 --> 00:01:14,950
Yeah, let's go!
31
00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:16,827
Wait.
Where's my dad?
32
00:01:16,952 --> 00:01:18,954
He knew he had to take us
all home, too, right?
33
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:19,872
Yeah.
34
00:01:21,165 --> 00:01:23,250
Dad? Where the hell
could he have gone?
35
00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:24,877
Oh, hey. Sorry, boys.
36
00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:26,045
MAN:
Later, Randy!
37
00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,338
All right.
See ya, Nelson.
38
00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:28,380
Dad, weren't you watching?
39
00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:30,132
I ran into Nelson from work.
40
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:32,259
We were over at the bar,
watching the game.
41
00:01:32,384 --> 00:01:34,386
Two-dollar margaritas!
It was great.
42
00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,347
All right. Come on.
I'll drive you boys home.
43
00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:39,100
- Are you sure you're all right?
- Oh, yeah. I'll be fine.
44
00:01:39,225 --> 00:01:41,352
I got some beers
to keep my buzz going.
45
00:01:44,814 --> 00:01:46,482
[ Bottle clanks ]
46
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:49,944
Dad, aren't you supposed to,
like, not drink and drive?
47
00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:53,030
I'm not drinking and driving.
I'm driving while I'm drinking!
48
00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:54,448
Right, boys?
49
00:01:54,573 --> 00:01:56,075
Sure.
Whatever, dude.
50
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,744
Oh, I got to pee.
Hand me that empty bottle, Stan.
51
00:01:58,869 --> 00:02:00,037
What?
Just pull over.
52
00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:02,248
Stan, you need to learn
some things about being a man.
53
00:02:02,373 --> 00:02:03,666
Give me that bottle.
54
00:02:05,835 --> 00:02:07,002
- [ Zipper opens ]
- There's a reason
55
00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:09,755
God made our penises
like little hoses, boys.
56
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,132
Hold the wheel, Stan.
57
00:02:11,257 --> 00:02:12,591
When you boys start driving,
58
00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:14,343
you're gonna need to learn
to do this, too.
59
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,345
- Oh! Whoa.
- Dad, we're gonna crash!
60
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,013
Shh!
I'm trying to concentrate!
61
00:02:18,139 --> 00:02:19,974
Just hold the damn wheel.
[ Urinating ]
62
00:02:20,099 --> 00:02:21,642
Dude, I think
you're being followed.
63
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:23,018
Oh, yeah?
64
00:02:23,144 --> 00:02:24,937
Get off my ass, dickhole!
65
00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:27,606
- No, dude, it's the police.
- [ Siren wails ]
66
00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:29,191
Oh, crap!
67
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:30,609
[ Police radio chatter ]
68
00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:32,361
Here, hold this!
69
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,779
Aw, it's all warm!
70
00:02:33,904 --> 00:02:36,198
Everybody just stay calm.
I can handle this. No problem.
71
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,409
I know how to deal.
72
00:02:40,035 --> 00:02:41,912
License and registration,
please.
73
00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:45,791
What seems to be the officer,
problem?
74
00:02:46,709 --> 00:02:49,378
Sir, why don't you step out
of the car for me?
75
00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:50,504
Okay.
76
00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:55,092
Sir, I'm going to give you
a sobriety test.
77
00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:56,927
Okay. No problem.
Easy.
78
00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:58,929
Stand over here, please.
Right there.
79
00:02:59,054 --> 00:03:02,641
Now I want you to hold your arms
out at your sides.
80
00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:03,851
Ooh.
81
00:03:03,976 --> 00:03:07,021
There! I did it. See?
No problem.
82
00:03:07,146 --> 00:03:09,440
And now touch your finger
to your nose.
83
00:03:09,565 --> 00:03:10,733
Do what?
84
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:13,027
Touch your finger to your nose.
85
00:03:13,152 --> 00:03:15,112
Oh, come on!
That's impossible!
86
00:03:15,237 --> 00:03:18,282
Just bring one hand
to your nose like this.
87
00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:19,867
Okay.
88
00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:22,119
Okay.
Hang on.
89
00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:23,537
Okay.
90
00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,956
All right.
H-Hang -- Hang on.
91
00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:27,166
Hold -- Hold on.
92
00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:28,834
Oh, hang on.
Hang on.
93
00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:30,586
CARTMAN:
Dude, what the hell is he doing?
94
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,838
KYLE: I think his pants
are falling down.
95
00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:36,133
What? What did I do?
What did I do?!
96
00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:39,845
[ Exhales deeply ]
97
00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:43,140
Keep blowing. Keep blowing.
Keep blowing.
98
00:03:43,265 --> 00:03:44,350
[ Grunts ]
99
00:03:44,475 --> 00:03:45,726
Oh, Jesus!
100
00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:48,979
This is so embarrassing.
101
00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:52,983
You know, Stan, I'd say that
your dad racks a dis-a-prin.
102
00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:56,403
[ Indistinct conversations ]
103
00:03:56,528 --> 00:03:58,822
I know. I didn't even get home
until 2:30.
104
00:03:58,948 --> 00:04:00,574
Man, that was such a bummer.
105
00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:02,201
Look, guys, about last night --
106
00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:04,620
Can you just keep quiet
about it?
107
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:05,621
Why?
108
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,748
Because I don't want
everyone knowing, okay?
109
00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:09,458
Can we please just keep this
to ourselves?
110
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,001
- All right, Stan. Sure.
- [ Bell rings ]
111
00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:13,629
Okay, children.
Let's take our seats.
112
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,175
Today we will be continuing
our study of economics.
113
00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:21,512
But first we're going to hear
from a motivational speaker.
114
00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:24,306
The state has sent over somebody
to talk to you all
115
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:26,600
about the dangers
of drunk driving.
116
00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:29,478
Please welcome Stan's dad.
117
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,814
Oh, Jesus.
118
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,817
Well, uh,
I'm supposed to tell you kids
119
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:37,278
about how bad drinking is.
120
00:04:37,403 --> 00:04:39,530
I did a little drinking
and driving,
121
00:04:39,655 --> 00:04:40,948
and as part of my punishment,
122
00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:44,618
I'm doing community-service work
at schools like these.
123
00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:47,162
Oh, that's very interesting,
isn't it, kids?
124
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:53,627
Uh, y-you shouldn't drink
because it leads to bad things.
125
00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:56,422
I was in jail for the night,
and, well, I guess --
126
00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:58,465
I don't know. I --
Just don't drink.
127
00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:01,552
But if you must drink,
definitely don't drive.
128
00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:04,430
I've definitely learned that
firsthand.
129
00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:06,682
Uh, that's all, I guess.
130
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,851
Well, I think we've all
learned an important lesson,
131
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,019
haven't we, class?
132
00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:12,229
If you don't make
the right choices in life,
133
00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:16,358
you could end up being
a big loser, like Stan's dad.
134
00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:19,611
Drinking and driving
is for idiots.
135
00:05:19,737 --> 00:05:22,614
Nobody wants to end up
like Stan's dad, do they?
136
00:05:22,740 --> 00:05:25,367
I want you all to take
a good look at Stan's dad
137
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:29,955
and say, "Is that
who I want to be in 30 years,
138
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,791
getting tickets and having to go
to elementary-school classrooms
139
00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:35,002
and talk about how pathetic
I am?"
140
00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:37,838
Thank you, Mr. Marsh.
I think you made your point.
141
00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:41,550
Hello again, everyone.
142
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,928
My name is Michael,
and I'm an alcoholic.
143
00:05:45,054 --> 00:05:47,348
ALL:
Hi, Michael.
144
00:05:47,473 --> 00:05:50,768
As most of you know,
I once lost my job and my family
145
00:05:50,893 --> 00:05:52,061
because of my drinking.
146
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:55,314
But with the help of A.A., I've
been sober for 10 years now.
147
00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:59,985
Anybody have anything they want
to tell the group for starters?
148
00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:03,113
My name's Bill,
and I'm an alcoholic.
149
00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:04,448
ALL:
Hi, Bill.
150
00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:05,949
Hi, Bill.
151
00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:07,868
I've been using
the 12-step program
152
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,078
for about two months now,
153
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,538
and -- and I'm really turning
my life around.
154
00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,582
No more blowing guys
on Colfax Avenue
155
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,168
for a pint of vodka
for this cowboy!
156
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,337
That's great.
157
00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:20,798
And I understand this is
somebody's first A.A. meeting.
158
00:06:20,923 --> 00:06:22,925
Is that right?
159
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,761
Y-Yes. You, sir. Stand on up
and introduce yourself.
160
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:32,601
Uh, my name's Randy,
and...I just really like beer.
161
00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:35,479
You have to admit
you're an alcoholic.
162
00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:40,025
But I don't know
if I'm really an alcoholic.
163
00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:41,902
Then why are you here?
164
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:43,987
Because I got a D.U.I.,
165
00:06:44,113 --> 00:06:47,699
and so I'm required to attend
A.A. meetings for two weeks.
166
00:06:47,825 --> 00:06:50,077
I was stupid one night
and drank too much
167
00:06:50,202 --> 00:06:51,537
and then drove a car.
168
00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:54,206
That was dumb,
and I'm not gonna do it again.
169
00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:57,584
Randy, you are powerless
to make that decision.
170
00:06:57,709 --> 00:07:00,629
The only thing that works
is the 12-step program.
171
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,256
Step one is admitting
172
00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:04,925
that you are powerless
to control your drinking.
173
00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:08,303
Only then can you move on
to the other 12 steps,
174
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:10,556
like believing that only
a higher power, God,
175
00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:11,682
makes you stop drinking,
176
00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:13,851
and then turning your life over
to that god
177
00:07:13,976 --> 00:07:16,687
and humbly asking God
to remove your weaknesses.
178
00:07:16,812 --> 00:07:18,439
W-Wait. Wait.
Hold on.
179
00:07:18,564 --> 00:07:22,025
I never knew that Alcoholics
Anonymous was a religious thing.
180
00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:24,111
It's not religious.
181
00:07:24,236 --> 00:07:26,071
You just have to admit
there is some kind of god
182
00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:28,449
which has power over you, and
turn your life over to that god
183
00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:29,992
and ask him for forgiveness.
184
00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:32,077
That's the 12-step program,
not religion.
185
00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:35,706
Look, I-I really just need to
cut down on my drinking
186
00:07:35,831 --> 00:07:38,208
and never drive a car drunk
again.
187
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:41,211
You can't just cut down
on your drinking, Randy.
188
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:43,338
You need to know something.
189
00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:45,507
You have a disease.
190
00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:48,218
- [ Dramatic music plays ]
- A-A disease?
191
00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:51,638
That's right.
Alcoholism is a disease.
192
00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:54,475
You're sick, Randy.
You're very, very sick.
193
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,185
And just like
with most diseases,
194
00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:59,771
you can't cure it yourself,
and it's deadly.
195
00:08:00,898 --> 00:08:02,816
Oh, my God.
196
00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:09,865
Dad, what the hell
are you doing?
197
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,450
Hello, Stan.
198
00:08:11,575 --> 00:08:12,826
Dad, it's the middle of the day!
199
00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,703
I thought you weren't gonna
drink as much anymore!
200
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,830
No, Stan.
You don't understand.
201
00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:18,749
I have a disease.
202
00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:20,375
Daddy's very sick.
203
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,794
What?!
Did you go to your A.A. meeting?
204
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,796
Yes!
They're the ones that told me.
205
00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:27,132
I thought I could just quit
drinking on my own,
206
00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:29,343
but it's an illness, son.
207
00:08:29,468 --> 00:08:31,011
I have to admit
that I'm powerless
208
00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,387
to this terrible disease.
209
00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:33,972
[ Coughs ]
210
00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:36,016
[ Burps ]
211
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,893
Dad, you've had enough.
Just stop now.
212
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,228
I can't!
I'm sick!
213
00:08:39,353 --> 00:08:42,064
[ Sobs ]
214
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,649
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
215
00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:44,942
It's not fair!
216
00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:47,319
Why did you give me
this disease?
217
00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:50,364
[ Sobs ]
218
00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:52,783
[ Shaver buzzing ]
219
00:08:55,661 --> 00:08:57,120
Stan!
220
00:08:57,246 --> 00:08:59,164
Stan!
221
00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:00,791
[ Weakly ]
Stan.
222
00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:02,251
Aw, God damn it!
223
00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:04,586
Stan, I...need your help.
224
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,505
Dad, what are you doing
in Grandpa's extra wheelchair?
225
00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:09,258
I've got to try to take it easy
from now on, son.
226
00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:10,884
Get Daddy another beer,
will you?
227
00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:12,511
No!
You don't need another beer!
228
00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,304
I know that!
229
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:16,890
But this disease
is just eating me up!
230
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,392
I hate my illness!
231
00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:20,602
Dad, you just need to not drink
so much.
232
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:21,770
It's very simple.
233
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,522
I wish it was that simple, son.
234
00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:26,441
But if I don't give myself up
to a higher power,
235
00:09:26,567 --> 00:09:28,819
this disease is gonna kill me
dead.
236
00:09:28,944 --> 00:09:31,530
I'm afraid that the only thing
that will cure me
237
00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:33,323
is a miracle.
238
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:37,995
[ Bell tolling ]
239
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:02,144
Es un milagro.
240
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,146
Es un milagro!
241
00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:10,110
Tom, I'm standing in the garden
of St. Peter's Church in Bailey,
242
00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:13,572
where what some call a miracle
is taking place.
243
00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:17,367
The statue of the Virgin Mary
has started to bleed...
244
00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:19,494
out its ass.
245
00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:22,623
The phenomenon was first seen
by Father Harold Barnes,
246
00:10:22,748 --> 00:10:25,250
who saw the blood coming
from the Virgin Mary's ass
247
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:26,543
late last night.
248
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:29,546
People from all over the state
have flocked here to the church
249
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:31,673
to witness the apparent miracle
firsthand.
250
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:34,551
Well, we just heard that
this miracle was happening,
251
00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:37,638
and we wanted to see it
for ourselves and come and pray.
252
00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:40,641
Why do you believe the
Virgin Mary is dripping blood?
253
00:10:40,766 --> 00:10:42,643
Well, it may represent
her sorrow
254
00:10:42,768 --> 00:10:45,312
over all the bad things going on
in the world.
255
00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,189
Why do you believe
the Virgin Mary
256
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,816
is dripping blood out her ass?
257
00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:53,028
As news of the miracle spreads,
258
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,572
hundreds are expected
to show up here at the church,
259
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:59,159
hoping to witness the miracle
and even cure their diseases.
260
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,288
[ Weakly ]
Cure...Cure disease.
261
00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:04,831
Stan!
262
00:11:10,045 --> 00:11:12,714
My name is Harry,
and I'm an alcoholic.
263
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,216
ALL:
Hi, Harry.
264
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:16,093
I've been sober now
for five years,
265
00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:18,178
and I've learned
that drinking iced tea
266
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:20,722
and getting more involved
with my relationship with God
267
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:23,100
is -- is -- is way more fun
than partying!
268
00:11:23,225 --> 00:11:24,851
I-It sure is.
269
00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,978
Once I accepted
that I was powerless
270
00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:30,148
to control my drinking and my
life, I put it in God's hands.
271
00:11:30,273 --> 00:11:33,235
And now these meetings are
the most fun thing I do!
272
00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,488
MAN:
Yeah!
273
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:38,740
Uh, excuse me.
Who's in charge here?
274
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:41,868
None of us are in charge.
We're all powerless.
275
00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:43,537
- We sure are. We're powerless.
- That's right.
276
00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:45,414
Uh, look,
my dad was here yesterday,
277
00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:47,165
and you all
kind of messed him up
278
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:49,626
by telling him he had a disease.
279
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:51,795
Alcoholism is a disease.
280
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,463
No, i-it's not.
281
00:11:53,588 --> 00:11:54,756
And you can't just go around
282
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:56,800
saying stuff like that
to people like my dad.
283
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,427
H-He's a kind of
a hypochondriac.
284
00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:01,722
It is a disease because
it's a physical dependency.
285
00:12:01,847 --> 00:12:03,390
That makes it a disease.
286
00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:05,225
No.
Cancer is a disease.
287
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:06,560
My dad needs to drink less.
288
00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:09,438
He can't quit by himself.
None of us could.
289
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:12,441
He needs divine intervention,
spirituality.
290
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:14,234
No, he just needs a dis-a-prin.
291
00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:17,237
But thanks to you people, my dad
now thinks he has a disease
292
00:12:17,362 --> 00:12:18,780
that he can't cure himself.
293
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:21,783
Young man, do you know anything
about the 12-step program?
294
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,952
Yeah, and I also know
a thing or two about cults.
295
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,121
I was the leader of one
for a while.
296
00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:29,374
God damn it.
297
00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,377
REPORTER: The crowd grows larger
every hour
298
00:12:32,502 --> 00:12:34,087
as the statue of the Virgin Mary
299
00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:38,842
continues to miraculously
cry blood out her ass.
300
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:42,220
Cardinal Mallory
has been sent by the Vatican
301
00:12:42,345 --> 00:12:46,099
to determine whether this is
a true miracle or not.
302
00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:48,518
[ Dramatic music plays ]
303
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,813
Right this way, Cardinal.
304
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,982
The blood always comes
from the same area --
305
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,526
sometimes a little,
sometimes a lot.
306
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:07,370
[ Farting ]
307
00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:25,138
[ Irish accent ]
It's a miracle.
308
00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:27,349
[ Cheers and applause ]
309
00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:32,103
STAN'S DAD:
[ Groaning ]
310
00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,732
[ Burps ]
Okay. Here we go.
311
00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:37,859
Dad!
Dad, what are you doing?!
312
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,028
I got to drive to Bailey.
313
00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,489
Dad, you're drunk.
You're not driving a car!
314
00:13:42,614 --> 00:13:44,449
No, Stan.
You don't understand.
315
00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:46,034
There's a church in Bailey.
316
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:49,371
The statue of the Virgin Mary
is bleeding out her ass.
317
00:13:50,789 --> 00:13:51,498
What?!
318
00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:55,001
They say her divine ass blood
has miraculous healing power.
319
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:56,920
She can cure my alcoholism!
320
00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:58,088
I'll be back soon!
321
00:13:58,213 --> 00:13:59,339
Dad, you can't drive.
322
00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:01,132
Your license is suspended,
remember?
323
00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:02,300
If you get pulled over again,
324
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,052
you're gonna go to jail
for 10 years!
325
00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:07,055
All right.
326
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,557
Then you drive.
327
00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:10,892
I'm 8!
328
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,769
This is my only hope, Stan!
329
00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:16,273
Either you drive this car
or I will!
330
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,068
I sure hope this works.
331
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,070
No. No.
It will work.
332
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,614
I have to put my faith
in a higher power.
333
00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,658
I have to believe
that this will work.
334
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:29,160
There! There's the church!
Stop right here, Stan!
335
00:14:29,286 --> 00:14:30,412
Where?
I can't see!
336
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,163
Right here is good!
Big pedal! Left pedal!
337
00:14:32,289 --> 00:14:33,874
[ Tires screech ]
338
00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:36,877
All right. Get my wheelchair
out of the back.
339
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:39,421
Is that the line?
340
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,923
Oh, God!
341
00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:45,552
Is this whole line
people waiting to be cured?
342
00:14:45,677 --> 00:14:48,638
Yeah. I was diagnosed with
brain cancer two months ago.
343
00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,640
I feel like this is
my only hope.
344
00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:52,767
I know exactly how you feel.
345
00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:54,227
I've got alcoholism.
346
00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:55,270
Oh, my God.
347
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,271
Wait a minute.
348
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,481
Stan, isn't that Josh Garrett
up there?
349
00:14:58,607 --> 00:15:00,609
He's from South Park. Maybe
he'll let us in line with him.
350
00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:02,068
Dad, let's just wait our turn.
351
00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:03,528
I could die waiting
in this line, Stan!
352
00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:05,906
Come on.
Let's go!
353
00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:09,117
Hey, Josh Garrett!
How you doing?
354
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,077
Oh. Hey, Randy.
What happened to you?
355
00:15:11,202 --> 00:15:13,121
I've got a disease --
alcoholism.
356
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:14,831
It's pretty serious. You?
357
00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:17,000
My daughter has elephantitis.
358
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:19,628
[ Rasping ]
359
00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:23,506
We are the same, she and I.
360
00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:25,717
Hey, what do you think
you're doing, kid?
361
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:27,302
You're trying to cut in line!
362
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:28,845
I just -- My dad was --
363
00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:32,182
You're a butter!
You're a dirty line cutter!
364
00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:38,647
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
365
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:43,360
Praise Jesus.
366
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:49,157
This is taking too long.
I'm gonna run out of beer.
367
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,659
- Stan!
- What?
368
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,578
You see that guy up there?
I think he has a kidney disease.
369
00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:54,788
Every couple minutes,
370
00:15:54,913 --> 00:15:56,498
he gets out of line
to go to the bathroom.
371
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,667
When he leaves next,
let's take his place.
372
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,210
No, Dad!
People will see!
373
00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:01,920
The guy behind him is blind!
374
00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:04,673
There he goes! Come on! Come on!
Go, go, go!
375
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,637
Hey.
I smell a butter!
376
00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,889
He did!
That kid just cut in line!
377
00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:14,432
Back of the line, butter!
378
00:16:14,557 --> 00:16:15,809
I'm going to die!
379
00:16:15,934 --> 00:16:17,018
Dad, we're going back!
380
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,436
What's going on here?
381
00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:19,980
This kid's cutting in line!
382
00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:22,399
Please, Officer,
you have to understand.
383
00:16:22,524 --> 00:16:24,526
I need a miracle
way more than these people.
384
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,696
I'm an alcoholic,
and I'm powerless over it.
385
00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:31,032
I understand.
My -- My brother's an alcoholic.
386
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,867
Here. Let me push you
to the front of the line.
387
00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:35,620
Oh, bless you, sir!
Bless you!
388
00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:37,580
Excuse me.
Out the way, please!
389
00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:39,416
Alcoholic coming through!
390
00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:43,461
[ Chair squeaking ]
391
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:46,006
She's beautiful.
392
00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:47,173
[ Farting ]
393
00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:48,174
Ahh.
394
00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:50,802
Ahh!
395
00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:53,930
[ Farts ]
396
00:16:58,309 --> 00:17:00,395
[ Grunts ]
397
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,940
I'm...not going to drink this.
398
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:06,067
I'm not going to drink this!
399
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:08,611
- It's a miracle! I'm cured!
- [ Glass breaking ]
400
00:17:08,737 --> 00:17:10,530
Yahoo-hoo!
401
00:17:10,655 --> 00:17:11,948
Praise Jesus!
402
00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:14,117
Praise Mary,
the blessed Virgin Mother!
403
00:17:14,242 --> 00:17:16,786
Thank you!
Thank you, God!
404
00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:24,961
Good morning, family.
405
00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:28,006
The Lord has truly blessed us
with another beautiful day.
406
00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:31,134
It's just amazing.
407
00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:33,219
I haven't had a drink
in five days.
408
00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:34,596
Praise Christ.
409
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:35,680
Praise Him.
410
00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:38,266
- Praise Christ.
- Praise Christ.
411
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,934
I've got another A.A. meeting
today,
412
00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:41,561
and guess where
it's gonna be, Stan.
413
00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:44,230
At Whistlin' Willy's Pizza,
so you can come with me!
414
00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:45,732
Dad, all the guys
are going to Kyle's house
415
00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:46,816
to watch the Bronco game.
416
00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:48,568
Kenny and Kyle's dads
were hoping you'd come.
417
00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:50,111
Stan, those people drink.
418
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:51,613
I have new friends now --
419
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:55,366
my A.A. friends, who have faith
in a higher power.
420
00:17:57,535 --> 00:17:59,287
[ Crowd cheering ]
421
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,830
Boy, this lemonade is great!
422
00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:03,041
Who knew how fun
being sober could be?
423
00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:04,626
[ Crowd cheering ]
424
00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:07,212
Your dad doesn't drink either?
425
00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:09,464
No, my dad doesn't drink.
426
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,591
Does that mean we're friends?
427
00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:14,636
Excuse me. I'd like to address
the group, if I may.
428
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:16,221
Sure, Randy.
Go ahead.
429
00:18:16,346 --> 00:18:18,556
I'm Randy, and I'm an alcoholic.
430
00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:19,974
ALL:
Hi, Randy.
431
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,060
But I put my faith
in a higher power,
432
00:18:22,185 --> 00:18:24,604
and I haven't had a drink
for five days now.
433
00:18:24,729 --> 00:18:27,190
[ Cheers and applause ]
434
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:30,777
An incredible update from
the bleeding Virgin Mary statue.
435
00:18:30,902 --> 00:18:32,779
Oh, hey. Shh. Shh.
Hold on a second, gang.
436
00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:37,075
Earlier today, the new pope,
Pope Benedict XVI himself,
437
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,910
visited the statue
here in Bailey
438
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:41,329
to witness the miracle
firsthand.
439
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:43,164
It was an amazing sight
to behold
440
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,917
as Pope Benedict made his way
through the throngs of people.
441
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:47,877
Right this way, Your Holiness.
442
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:50,588
REPORTER: The pope then examined
the statue closely.
443
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,227
[ Farting ]
444
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,151
After witnessing
the phenomenon firsthand,
445
00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:13,153
the pope
then cleaned himself off
446
00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:16,865
and then declared that
the bleeding Virgin Mary statue
447
00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:18,783
is not a miracle!
448
00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:20,410
What?
449
00:19:20,535 --> 00:19:22,954
Having investigated closely,
the pope determined
450
00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:25,748
that the blood was not coming
from the Virgin Mary's ass,
451
00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:27,792
but rather from her vagina.
452
00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:29,502
And the pope said, quote...
453
00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:37,010
Back to you, Tom.
454
00:19:37,135 --> 00:19:39,220
Thanks, Edward.
That's a very shocking story.
455
00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:41,973
- [ Dramatic music plays ]
- That means...I'm not cured.
456
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,683
I still have the disease.
457
00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:45,852
Bartender, I need a drink!
458
00:19:45,977 --> 00:19:48,688
Three shots of Macallen,
two small bottles of vodka,
459
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,315
three bottles of beer,
and some jello shooters!
460
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:51,649
Come on!
Let's go!
461
00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:53,193
Randy, what are you doing?
462
00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,945
You heard what he said!
The higher power didn't cure me!
463
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,739
I'm powerless again!
464
00:19:57,864 --> 00:19:59,991
I-I-I'm powerless, too!
465
00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:01,075
Yeah!
Me too!
466
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:02,535
Get me seven martinis!
467
00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:03,995
Jack and Coke!
468
00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:07,081
Dad!
Dad, stop!
469
00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:09,834
I'm sorry, son.
I'm off the wagon.
470
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:12,295
Dad, you don't have to do this.
471
00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:13,880
You have the power.
472
00:20:14,005 --> 00:20:16,132
You haven't drank
since seeing the statue.
473
00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:18,676
But the statue wasn't a miracle.
474
00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:20,887
Yeah, the statue
wasn't a miracle, Dad.
475
00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:22,430
So that means you did it.
476
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,557
That means you didn't have
a drink for five days
477
00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:26,017
all on your own!
478
00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:28,519
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
479
00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:31,272
You're right, Stan.
480
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:35,026
If God didn't make me
stop drinking, then I did.
481
00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:39,614
Maybe...Maybe I can force
myself to never drink again.
482
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:40,740
No!
483
00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:41,824
No?
484
00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:44,744
Dad, you like to drink,
so have a drink once in a while.
485
00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:45,662
Have two!
486
00:20:45,787 --> 00:20:46,871
If you devote your whole life
487
00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:48,998
to completely avoiding
something you like,
488
00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:50,416
then that thing still controls
your life
489
00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:52,502
and you've never learned
any discipline at all.
490
00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:54,921
But maybe I'm
just the kind of person
491
00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:57,298
who needs to have it all
or nothing.
492
00:20:57,423 --> 00:20:59,425
No.
All or nothing is easy.
493
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,844
But learning to drink
a little bit, responsibly --
494
00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:03,304
that's a dis-a-prin.
495
00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:06,266
Dis-a-prin come from within.
496
00:21:07,058 --> 00:21:09,602
[ Music continues ]
497
00:21:10,561 --> 00:21:14,274
How did I manage to raise
such a smart kid?
498
00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:16,359
I've had a great teacher.
499
00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:18,152
Thanks, son.
500
00:21:18,278 --> 00:21:20,571
No, not you. My karate teacher.
He's really smart.
501
00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:22,740
Oh.
Well, tell you what.
502
00:21:22,865 --> 00:21:25,618
Let's leave the car here,
walk home, and watch the game.
503
00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:27,287
I'd like to have another beer
or two.
504
00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:29,289
- All right!
- Come on!
505
00:21:30,498 --> 00:21:32,750
- [ Music continues ]
- Or maybe I'll have three beers.
506
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:34,460
STAN: That's probably okay
if you spread it out.
507
00:21:34,585 --> 00:21:36,379
- Well, how about four?
- I think you're pushing it.
508
00:21:36,504 --> 00:21:38,423
- How about 20?
- That's not dis-a-prin.
509
00:21:38,548 --> 00:21:40,008
Right, right.
Does vodka count?
510
00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:41,134
Dad!
511
00:21:41,259 --> 00:21:43,094
[ Music continues ]