1
00:00:01,460 --> 00:00:02,871
We're on the same page.

2
00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:04,582
I wanna team up with you guys.

3
00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:06,879
What? Why? You do? What?

4
00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:09,874
I'm in a bit of a bind
and I could use some back-up.

5
00:00:10,052 --> 00:00:12,339
So, what do you say? New best friends?

6
00:00:13,764 --> 00:00:14,764
Stop it.

7
00:00:14,766 --> 00:00:15,881
You wanna team up?

8
00:00:16,058 --> 00:00:18,516
You've been torturing us
and lying about it.

9
00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:20,764
Let's not get all caught up
on who lied to who

10
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:24,018
or which one of us created
an entire fake reality

11
00:00:24,107 --> 00:00:27,271
in order to cause eternal misery
for the others.

12
00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:28,897
That's ancient history.

13
00:00:28,946 --> 00:00:30,687
It was happening until 20 seconds ago.

14
00:00:30,781 --> 00:00:31,988
The point is that...

15
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,987
circumstances have changed.

16
00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:38,533
And now, all of us teaming up
is our best option.

17
00:00:38,789 --> 00:00:41,577
I love being on teams!
Oh, we need a team name.

18
00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:42,667
Um...

19
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,576
the Bobcats.
- Great.

20
00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:47,959
Slow down, ding-dong.
He wouldn't offer us a deal for no reason.

21
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,505
He needs us.

22
00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:50,967
Why?

23
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:54,294
Because, as you said, you keep beating me.

24
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:59,015
Look, I built this Neighbourhood
as a way to torture the four of you

25
00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:02,222
psychologically for thousands of years.

26
00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:06,477
And you keep figuring it out
and taking all the fun out of it.

27
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:07,567
Fun?

28
00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:11,023
Today, there was a new development
that really chapped my nips.

29
00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:13,688
One of my employees is blackmailing me.

30
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:17,067
Vicky. She runs the clam chowder place

31
00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:19,569
in the main square -
"A Little Bit Chowder Now".

32
00:01:19,663 --> 00:01:22,246
- Oh, the place with the chowder fountain.
- No.

33
00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:23,452
That's "Pump Up the Clam."

34
00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:26,000
"A Little Bit Chowder Now"
has the lazy river of chowder.

35
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,829
Ugh! How did we ever think
this was the Good Place?

36
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:32,040
Vicky thinks that she can run
this Neighbourhood better than I can.

37
00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:35,802
And she wants to start her version
in 30 minutes.

38
00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:39,089
I'm supposed to reboot you,
erase your memory

39
00:01:39,224 --> 00:01:41,341
and turn control over to her.

40
00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:44,803
How are we supposed to team up
with you if you wipe our memories again?

41
00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:47,104
Easy. I'm not going to.

42
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:49,728
You're going to act like
you've been rebooted

43
00:01:49,860 --> 00:01:52,694
and pretend that Vicky
and the others are torturing you.

44
00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:55,237
But then, on your own time, in private

45
00:01:55,574 --> 00:01:58,362
you can study ethics, ogle mailmen

46
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,193
do whatever you want.
- Can I play iPad?

47
00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:01,952
Sure you can, buddy.
- Yes!

48
00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:04,156
Guys, there's no debate here.

49
00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:07,116
My boss gave me two chances
to make this work.

50
00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:11,083
Suffice to say, I tried more than two times.

51
00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:14,465
If he finds out, we're all in hot water.

52
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:15,760
Literally.

53
00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:17,088
They will boil us.

54
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:20,759
We will be the main ingredient
in a chowder of pain.

55
00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:23,307
Oh, dear.
- But if you help me

56
00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:25,518
you stop being tortured

57
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:30,015
the Neighbourhood looks like it's working,
and I never get in trouble with my boss.

58
00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:32,392
Everybody's happy.

59
00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:33,736
Who's in?

60
00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:36,108
Human meeting. Bedroom. Now.

61
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:42,611
Oh, yeah, um, that whole no-stair thing,
that was part of the torture.

62
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:43,990
Let me... uh...

63
00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:47,994
Son of a bench.

64
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,883
Anyone have any ideas?
- You know, believe it or not

65
00:02:56,968 --> 00:02:58,863
I actually found myself
in a very similar situation

66
00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:02,221
a few years ago, except in that instance,
Michael was Javier Bardem

67
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,758
and the Bad Place was
Vanessa Redgrave's panic room.

68
00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:07,844
OK, stop talking.
Do not talk again for 100 hours.

69
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:10,680
What do we do?
- We team up with Michael.

70
00:03:10,774 --> 00:03:14,609
OK, hot take, but I like your confidence.
Tell me why.

71
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,062
He has a bow tie.
- Oh, no.

72
00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:19,147
I always trust dudes in bow ties.

73
00:03:19,241 --> 00:03:21,733
Once, this guy in a bow tie
came up to me at the gun range

74
00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:25,366
in a Jacksonville bus station
and said he'd give me 600 dollars

75
00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:29,119
if I put these weird turtles in my duffle bag
and brought them to Daytona Beach.

76
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:30,704
I needed money at the time

77
00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:32,873
cos I had just bet my friend Donkey Doug

78
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:36,881
that I could chug a whole bottle of
Dan Marino cologne and not yarf.

79
00:03:37,426 --> 00:03:39,042
And I lost!

80
00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:41,260
So I put the turties in my bag

81
00:03:41,346 --> 00:03:45,010
I hotwired a swamp boat to Daytona
and the guy paid me the 600 dollars.

82
00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:48,931
My point is, you always trust dudes
in bow ties.

83
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:52,440
Aaaah!

84
00:03:52,442 --> 00:03:54,933
Look, Michael's a liar. I know liars.

85
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:57,606
It was my job to trick people
into buying fake medicine

86
00:03:57,696 --> 00:03:59,779
and I was the top salesperson
seven years in a row.

87
00:03:59,990 --> 00:04:01,509
I thought you only worked there five years.

88
00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,741
Proves my point! This is a trick.

89
00:04:03,994 --> 00:04:05,951
There's no way we trust him.
- I agree.

90
00:04:06,204 --> 00:04:07,557
He could be lying about this whole thing.

91
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:09,573
For all we know, you three are
in the Bad Place

92
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:12,124
and I'm up in the Good Place,
where I belong, being tested.

93
00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:13,917
How would that even...?

94
00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:15,578
I don't know but it's possible.

95
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:18,710
Before we do anything,
we need more information.

96
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,167
We should ask him every question
we can think of.

97
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,593
Yes.
- Yes, we shall grill him

98
00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:24,170
like the flank of an Iberian piglet.

99
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,256
I'm sorry, has it been 100 hours?

100
00:04:29,644 --> 00:04:31,385
OK, man. We got questions.

101
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:34,063
First off, how can we possibly trust you?

102
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,353
You can't. But you have to.

103
00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,651
Logically, you shouldn't
but you have no choice.

104
00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:41,097
I mean, I wouldn't, if I were you.
It's a crazy thing to do.

105
00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:43,485
But you gotta.
- What happens if we don't?

106
00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:46,192
Most likely, I reboot you once more

107
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,112
you figure it out again,
Vicky tells my boss.

108
00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:50,617
He shuts everything down.

109
00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:56,044
I get punished, you end up spending
the rest of eternity in the real Bad Place

110
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:59,084
up to your necks
in a volcano full of scorpions.

111
00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:02,584
I'll tell you what I want to know right now
before we go any further.

112
00:05:02,886 --> 00:05:05,799
Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win
the Super Bowl last year?

113
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,637
Oh, you're serious. Uh, no.

114
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:13,849
Will they ever win the Super Bowl?
- Jason, I can't predict the future.

115
00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:16,685
But no. They won't.

116
00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:17,936
OK, well I just have, like

117
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,771
12 more Jaguar questions...
- No, you don't.

118
00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:21,477
- Hey, Janet?
- Hi, there.

119
00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:23,528
Do you have something shiny
Jason can play with?

120
00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:28,723
How many different versions
of this place have we been through?

121
00:05:29,955 --> 00:05:32,698
Uh, let's see... 802.

122
00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:34,498
The longest one was 11 months.

123
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:37,744
Uh, this current one has only been
going for one week.

124
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:39,537
Boy, you guys barely know each other.

125
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:40,997
It's gonna make this tough.

126
00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:42,585
What's that super tiny line?

127
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:45,009
That's the shortest one, eight seconds.

128
00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:46,594
It was a butt-reboot.

129
00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:48,595
I sat on the activator by mistake.

130
00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:53,180
Michael, was I also rebooted 802 times?
- Yes, why?

131
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:55,136
Every time a Janet is rebooted

132
00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:57,847
she increases her social awareness
and abilities.

133
00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:01,025
I might be the most advanced Janet
in the universe.

134
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:02,111
Oh.

135
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:05,567
So, Janet isn't with you?

136
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:06,657
No.

137
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,693
There has to be a Janet
in every Neighbourhood, good and bad.

138
00:06:09,995 --> 00:06:13,909
This one is an actual Good Place Janet
that I stole to help sell the ruse.

139
00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:16,833
I guess it didn't work, though.
Because you keep failing.

140
00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:18,784
Yes, thank you.
- You're welcome.

141
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,495
If you're not human

142
00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:21,547
why do you look like us?

143
00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:24,794
Everyone in the Bad Place Bureau
of Human Affairs

144
00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:27,502
gets randomly assigned a human body

145
00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:30,380
so we can get the feel
of how best to torture you.

146
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:34,263
I gotta say, it took me a long time
to get used to the hanging bits.

147
00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:35,561
Gross.

148
00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:37,248
Oh, get your mind out of the gutter,
Eleanor.

149
00:06:37,272 --> 00:06:38,888
I was talking about my testicles.

150
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:41,057
What about soulmates? Are they real?

151
00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:45,399
I don't know. I hope not.
I mean, pretty lame idea, if you ask me.

152
00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:48,064
Mindy St Claire's is fake, I bet.

153
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:49,360
No, the Medium Place is real.

154
00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:53,365
So annoying how you managed
to slip away from me, all those times.

155
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:56,330
Why even tell us about any real thing?

156
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,499
Why not just lie about all of it?

157
00:06:58,627 --> 00:07:00,813
Lies are always more convincing
when they're closer to the truth.

158
00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:03,204
That's true. I crashed a lot
of open-bar weddings

159
00:07:03,298 --> 00:07:04,505
as Eileen Shelbourne.

160
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,841
Even dated a groomsman for a few months

161
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:10,341
so I had to keep the name,
and he got "Eileen" tattooed on his neck.

162
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:11,680
Seriously?

163
00:07:11,682 --> 00:07:14,344
How are she and I in the same place?
- Oh, get over yourself.

164
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:17,097
Trust me, don't trust me, it doesn't matter.

165
00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:19,930
We're running out of time,
and I'm your only option.

166
00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:23,979
"We're running out of time
and I'm your only option?"

167
00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:28,814
A lot of guys your age said that to me
just as the bar was about to close.

168
00:07:28,907 --> 00:07:30,114
But I never settled for them.

169
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:33,568
Because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby,
he was obsessed with me

170
00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:36,203
and he never slept because he was
addicted to Adderall.

171
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:39,039
There is always another option.

172
00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:43,373
And yes, I probably could have just said
that last part but whatever, don't judge me.

173
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,999
You guys do whatever you want.

174
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:46,206
I'm out.
- No!

175
00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:49,592
My plan only works if all four of you
are on board.

176
00:07:49,761 --> 00:07:52,094
Then you better get cracking
on a new plan, pally

177
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:55,924
because so far, I haven't heard a single
good reason why I should help you.

178
00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:57,133
Alright, how about this?

179
00:07:57,394 --> 00:08:00,387
You help me trick Vicky
and all those other goons

180
00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:04,481
I can get you to the real Good Place.

181
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,567
There's a way to get to the real Good Place?

182
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:12,658
It's complicated.

183
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:15,989
It may take a while to arrange
especially since I'll have to do it

184
00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:20,744
in secret but yes, yes, there is
a potential method of transportation.

185
00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:22,120
Well, is it nice?

186
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:24,873
Is there a business class?
Can I pre-board?

187
00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:26,850
Yeah, let's not worry about that right now.

188
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:28,960
I can get us there.
- "Us"?

189
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:32,843
You, Mr "Diabolical Torture Guy"
are gonna try

190
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:34,883
to join us in the Good Place?
- Yeah.

191
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,473
If I stay in the Bad Place, I'm doomed.

192
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:42,099
But if I rescue four pitiful,
foul-smelling humans

193
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:43,395
from eternal damnation

194
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,522
hit 'em with the big puppy dog eyes.

195
00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:49,109
"Please, sir, take pity on me, I've changed"
and all that crap

196
00:08:50,071 --> 00:08:51,653
maybe I can earn a spot, too.

197
00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:54,524
We didn't deserve the Good Place
based on our time on Earth.

198
00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:55,903
Will they even let us stay?

199
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,402
I gotta be honest, I have no idea.

200
00:08:57,495 --> 00:08:59,612
But at least if you help me fool Vicky

201
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:02,790
your brains don't get erased
every two weeks.

202
00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:09,038
OK, all humans who have not
already been suckered by Michael

203
00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:10,668
another team meeting.

204
00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,962
This is definitely a trap.

205
00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:15,879
We figured out his game every time,
and now he's just trying

206
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:19,716
a new way to mess with us.
Teaming up with a demon is insane.

207
00:09:19,851 --> 00:09:22,810
Maybe.
But I think we have to do it.

208
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,637
Are you forking kidding me right now?

209
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:26,688
You take a half an hour to pick out
a turtleneck

210
00:09:26,775 --> 00:09:28,061
and yet this you're sure about?

211
00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:30,463
OK, look, I spent my whole life trying
to learn about right and wrong

212
00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:32,649
and apparently, I failed.

213
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:35,301
I want us to get better
and I want us to stay that way.

214
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:38,614
You understand that, right, Tahani?
- I understand nothing.

215
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:42,121
Hey! Same here!
- Michael, there's been a mistake.

216
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,541
I belong in the Good Place.
The real one with the good people.

217
00:09:45,794 --> 00:09:48,537
Who do I speak to about correcting this?
- Me, and you're wrong.

218
00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:49,963
Very well.

219
00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:51,568
I would like to speak to your manager.

220
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:56,173
Listen, sweetheart, you've only been
in this timeline for about a week.

221
00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:58,549
So I think I'm gonna fast forward
things a bit.

222
00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:01,511
There's a very good reason
why you ended up here.

223
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:04,344
You never cared about the people
you were helping.

224
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:08,890
You did it only for fame or status
or to spite your family.

225
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:12,143
That is utter tosh! I had my flaws,
just like anyone else

226
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:14,228
but I raised billions for charity.

227
00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:18,403
I was a good person and I defy you
or anyone else to prove otherwise.

228
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:22,532
You know, in all the reboots,
I never showed you how you died.

229
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:26,120
I was saving it in case I ever needed
to really make you miserable.

230
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:27,916
But it's hilarious.

231
00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:29,585
Of course, I mean sad.

232
00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:33,002
But it might help you come to grips
with who you really were.

233
00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:34,920
Do you want to remember it?

234
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:41,555
Tahani Al-Jamil, social activist
philanthropist

235
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:45,100
neck model and now cover girl for
"International Sophisticate Magazine."

236
00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:47,223
The issue hits luxury news stands
this week

237
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:48,929
and regular news stands
the week after.

238
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:51,773
Tahani, welcome.
- Oh, it's such an honour.

239
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:54,728
I have long dreamt of being one
of the women or yachts

240
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:55,821
who grace your cover.

241
00:10:55,905 --> 00:10:57,425
Let's begin with your sister, Kamilah.

242
00:10:57,782 --> 00:11:00,991
A woman who as you know was offered
the spot on our cover but turned it down.

243
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:03,652
I actually didn't know that.

244
00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:06,322
Please, carry on.

245
00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:08,602
Well, next week, Kamilah will travel
to Cleveland, Ohio

246
00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:11,835
to become the youngest person ever
inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame.

247
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:13,166
Remarkable.

248
00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:15,048
Is there a question?

249
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:17,083
Don't you find that remarkable?

250
00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:20,298
Kamilah is very impressive.

251
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:23,548
As you know, she released
her debut album only six months ago

252
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,724
and yet, the critics thought
it was so brilliant

253
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:29,387
that the Hall of Fame decided
to waive its 25-year waiting period.

254
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:32,394
Sadly, I will not be attending
the ceremony

255
00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:35,726
because I will be in Haiti
on a relief mission.

256
00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:38,562
Perhaps we should talk more about that.
- Perhaps we should.

257
00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:40,718
But first, another question about Kamilah.

258
00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:43,075
Don't you think she
and I would be friends?

259
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,493
We have a lot in common,
we are both Capricorn

260
00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:46,740
and we're both only children.

261
00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:50,950
I'm sorry, I forgot about you.

262
00:11:56,716 --> 00:12:00,926
Hey, can I get an Irish enema?
That's Baileys and Sprite in a ziploc bag.

263
00:12:01,304 --> 00:12:03,512
Excuse me,
do I look like a waitress to you?

264
00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:05,179
Yeah.

265
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:07,100
Here.

266
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:15,074
Support us and become VIP member 
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org

267
00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:20,395
Kamilah! Congratulations.

268
00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:22,273
You have all the attention.

269
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,484
Once again.
- Who are you?

270
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:27,911
Really?
- Good Lord.

271
00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:29,665
Tahani!

272
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,166
You're a cocktail waitress now.

273
00:12:32,543 --> 00:12:34,463
Honestly, I think
this is the right move for you.

274
00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:38,794
No, it's just that my own sister didn't
even deign to invite me to her little soiree.

275
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:43,135
So I had to weasel my way
in here like some common... weasel.

276
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:46,509
I was supposed to be in Haiti
being photographed helping people

277
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:49,717
but instead I delayed my trip by a day
to come here and tell you off.

278
00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:51,598
No, you came to do
what you always do

279
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:54,013
make a scene and embarrass yourself.

280
00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:57,396
So I'm just an embarrassment to you?
Is that what you think of me?

281
00:12:57,902 --> 00:13:00,815
Honestly, I don't really think about you.

282
00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:02,446
No! Ow.

283
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,958
That's it. Ah!

284
00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:17,879
I'll bring you down!

285
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,166
Come on.
Come on!

286
00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:24,592
Come down to the ground where you
belong

287
00:13:27,765 --> 00:13:29,222
- Oh, no.
- Mm.

288
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:32,222
I died in Cleveland?

289
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:36,184
I don't think that should be
your biggest takeaway from that story.

290
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:37,793
Is that really all I cared about?

291
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,901
Just outshining my sister
and gaining praise and acclaim?

292
00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:44,230
I mean, I did gain praise and acclaim.

293
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,407
You know, I dare say on some occasions

294
00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:50,778
more praise and acclaim
than my sister, Kamilah, so...

295
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,166
Oh.

296
00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:56,585
Oh, I see.

297
00:13:57,587 --> 00:14:00,421
Oh, God.
- Oh, come on, now.

298
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:03,170
It's not all bad.
Imagine you're me

299
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:07,344
and you're designing a torture chamber
for people who think that they belong

300
00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:11,299
in the Good Place.
I mean, you were perfect.

301
00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:13,934
But I've always wanted
to be perfect at something

302
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:16,182
I just never thought
it would be the perfect stooge.

303
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:18,938
I want to do it.

304
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:21,483
I want to become the person
I pretended to be.

305
00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:22,527
I agree with Chidi.

306
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:25,487
We should team up with Michael
and all try to build a better Tahani.

307
00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:28,983
Great.
Yet again, it's everyone against Eleanor.

308
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:31,611
Because everyone
except Eleanor is an idiot.

309
00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:34,451
Why am I the only person who clearly sees
what's going on here?

310
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:37,783
It's not that we don't understand the risks,
we just wanna become better people

311
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,084
and this is our best chance.

312
00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:42,880
Oh, I get it.
'Cos you're so much better than me.

313
00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:44,985
That's what this is about?
- Hang on, don't lash out at us

314
00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:46,929
just because of your innate distrust.
- Lash out?

315
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:48,691
No, it's not about who's better.

316
00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:52,469
I have no idea what's going on
right now, but everyone else is talking

317
00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:54,595
and I think I should, too!

318
00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:55,766
What is so funny?

319
00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:57,553
I'm sorry, I shouldn't be laughing.

320
00:14:58,147 --> 00:14:59,308
How do I explain this?

321
00:14:59,774 --> 00:15:04,109
I'm basically an exterminator,
and you're cockroaches.

322
00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:07,104
My job was to squish you

323
00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,986
and poison you and yet, somehow

324
00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:14,824
my very survival now depends on you,
the cockroaches, agreeing to help me.

325
00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:18,332
That's funny.
- We're cockroaches to you?

326
00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:20,535
Yeah. Or dung beetles.

327
00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:23,003
I don't know.
Something small and gross

328
00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:25,293
that creeps on the ground in its own filth.

329
00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:26,967
Just being honest.

330
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,210
OK, OK, OK.

331
00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:31,966
Alright, forget about him.
Forget about him, focus on us.

332
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:34,639
Kant wrote it is our duty
to improve ourselves.

333
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,677
So whatever Michael's reasons
for doing this, he's giving us

334
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:40,183
the best chance to improve ourselves.

335
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:44,350
OK, I have to admit,
you're making a lot of sense right now.

336
00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:50,948
I need to just untangle all of this.
Give me a minute to think about it alone.

337
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:52,117
OK.

338
00:15:57,582 --> 00:15:59,118
- Janet?
- Hi, there.

339
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:02,035
Call me a train.
Fill it to the brim with cocaine.

340
00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:05,712
I'm going back to Mindy St. Clair's house.

341
00:16:12,346 --> 00:16:14,338
Gonna bail, huh?
- Hm? No.

342
00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:17,857
- Why... why would you say that?
- Well...

343
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:21,053
you got a bag full of clothes,
you stuffed a bunch of pillows

344
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:23,605
and a mop in your bed
to make it look like you're asleep

345
00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:26,066
and you're literally sneaking out
the back gate.

346
00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:28,436
OK.
I'm going to Mindy's.

347
00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:33,153
I don't want to live forever in a boring,
beige house with a weird, horny cokehead

348
00:16:33,284 --> 00:16:34,900
but look at what you're asking me to do.

349
00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:39,827
Make a deal with an actual devil
so that I can then do homework in secret.

350
00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:42,662
And by the way, you're not my friends,
man.

351
00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:44,313
We've known each other for, like, a
week.

352
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:45,578
You know it's more than that.

353
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:49,164
We've been through some version
of this 800 different times.

354
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,508
And who cares that it's only been a week?

355
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,281
How long do you have to know someone
before you do the right thing?

356
00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:57,719
Nine weeks, minimum.
- OK.

357
00:16:57,892 --> 00:17:02,182
Look, bro, I don't owe you anything.
I gotta do what's right for me.

358
00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:07,316
You can come with me if you want.
I got another mop we can put in the bed.

359
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,194
Good luck.

360
00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:23,164
I got a couple more questions.
- Sure.

361
00:17:23,417 --> 00:17:25,659
Take your time.
We're not in a hurry or anything.

362
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:29,584
How many times in all the reboots
did I ask Chidi for help

363
00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:32,291
he refused to help me,
and then I had to get better on my own?

364
00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:34,293
Never.
He always helped you.

365
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,549
God. Really?

366
00:17:37,014 --> 00:17:38,926
Yep. No matter how I set it up

367
00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:41,808
you found him,
confessed you didn't belong

368
00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:44,095
asked him for help,
and he said yes.

369
00:17:44,272 --> 00:17:47,185
Now his agreeing to help
was part of my plan.

370
00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:50,985
What wasn't part of my plan
was it actually working.

371
00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:53,987
Drove me nuts.
Pesky little nerd.

372
00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:58,192
Stuck with you and always helped you
overcome your biggest problem.

373
00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:01,783
Assuming that's my selfishness.
- No.

374
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:04,239
No, no, no.
It's that you never found a haircut

375
00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:08,957
that framed your face properly.
Yes, your selfishness.

376
00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:10,833
I'm not that selfish.

377
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:12,248
Eleanor, your cocaine

378
00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:13,832
and escape train are ready.
- Not now.

379
00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:15,212
OK.

380
00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:20,971
I think Michael is a liar.

381
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,558
I think there's a 99% chance
he's forking with us.

382
00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:27,100
But he's asking us for help,
so we should help him.

383
00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,017
Because that's what Chidi would do.

384
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,108
That's what Chidi would do for me
or for any of us.

385
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:35,149
It's what I am doing.
- I know.

386
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:37,898
It's just you're talking about me
like I'm not here or something

387
00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:40,450
and that just makes me feel weird.

388
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:42,621
Alright.

389
00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:44,529
We're all in.
We'll help you.

390
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:48,367
You finally listened to reason.
- On one condition.

391
00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:53,039
You wanna be on our team,
you gotta be on our team.

392
00:18:53,174 --> 00:18:57,009
Which means the professor over here
is gonna give us all lessons

393
00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:59,882
on how to be better people.
Including you.

394
00:19:00,014 --> 00:19:04,133
Oh, no.
No, I won't be taking any classes.

395
00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:08,679
I'm an immortal being with abilities
you can only dream

396
00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:11,522
Yeah, and we're in Arizona, dirtbag.

397
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:15,231
A human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster

398
00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:18,067
and literally the dumbest person
I've ever met.

399
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:21,066
And who am I? Describe me now.

400
00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:23,364
We are all going to take classes.

401
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:27,365
We are all going to improve.
And the second you betray us

402
00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:30,951
I walk into Vicky's stinky
chowder restaurant and tell her everything.

403
00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:35,918
You agree to those terms,
and you can join us on Team Cockroach.

404
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:39,543
So what's it gonna be?
You're running out of time.

405
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:42,008
And we're your only option.

406
00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:47,221
So it's all frozen yogurt places now, huh?

407
00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:49,515
Yeah, yogurt was what we started with.

408
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:54,771
A lot of us like the first version best
so we went back to 322

409
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:58,979
perfectly matched human souls,
blended together in a blissful

410
00:19:59,073 --> 00:20:02,783
harmonic balance.
- Well done.

411
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:06,327
I've only given this opening day tour
to you like, 800 times.

412
00:20:06,497 --> 00:20:09,160
Hey, how's this for my
oh-my-God-I'm-in-Heaven face?

413
00:20:10,668 --> 00:20:13,285
Not bad.
- Right? I'm a pretty good liar.

414
00:20:14,088 --> 00:20:15,088
You really are.

415
00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:17,130
I've always admired that about you.

416
00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:18,425
Thank you, Michael.

417
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:23,383
Now I wanna introduce someone
that you're gonna get to know very well.

418
00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:26,006
She was the top point getter,
so she'll be helping me out

419
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:28,262
around the Neighbourhood,
kind of like your mayor.

420
00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:30,060
Vicky Sengupta!

421
00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:33,788
Vicky, would you like to say a few words?

422
00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:37,727
Actually, Michael,
I'd like to sing a few words. Janet.

423
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:38,901
Hit it!

424
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:45,906
♪ At first I was afraid, I was petrified ♪

425
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,157
♪ Kept thinking I could never live ♪

426
00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:49,905
♪ Without you by my side ♪

427
00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:52,328
♪ Then I spent so many nights ♪

428
00:20:52,710 --> 00:20:55,703
♪ Thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong ♪

429
00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:58,580
♪ And I learned how to get along ♪

430
00:20:58,799 --> 00:21:01,542
♪ And now you're back from outer space ♪

431
00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:06,463
♪ I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face ♪

432
00:21:06,849 --> 00:21:10,468
♪ I should have changed that stupid lock
should have made you leave your key ♪

433
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:12,723
♪ If I'd known for just one second ♪

434
00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:15,893
♪ You'd be back to bother me
and so now go! ♪

435
00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:19,671
I don't know
how long I can keep this up.

436
00:21:19,695 --> 00:21:21,402
I nearly cracked about 50 times.

437
00:21:21,697 --> 00:21:23,857
What are you talking about,
so far this reboot is dope.

438
00:21:23,908 --> 00:21:27,322
There's fro-yo, there's fro-yo toppings and...

439
00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:28,620
Oh, spoons!

440
00:21:29,455 --> 00:21:30,455
Alright.

441
00:21:30,706 --> 00:21:32,823
We should have a few hours to ourselves.

442
00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:36,417
Vicky's working on her performance
for the welcome party tonight.

443
00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:39,834
It looks like pretending to enjoy
her singing is gonna be half our job here.

444
00:21:40,049 --> 00:21:42,132
I got her to tell me
how she was gonna torture you

445
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:43,633
at the party, which is basically

446
00:21:43,719 --> 00:21:45,051
the same way I did.

447
00:21:45,387 --> 00:21:50,428
Eleanor gets drunk, hogs all the shrimp,
insults people, etcetera.

448
00:21:50,684 --> 00:21:53,552
Whatever bad stuff you do
becomes the basis

449
00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:56,059
for the chaos tomorrow morning.
- OK, OK.

450
00:21:56,148 --> 00:22:00,062
So my job is to get drunk and insult people.
I think I can hack that.

451
00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:02,815
Now, Chidi, I'm gonna need you
to act nervous

452
00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:05,901
and embarrassed by Eleanor.
- Way ahead of you.

453
00:22:06,075 --> 00:22:08,237
Tahani, just be your fabulous self.

454
00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:12,037
And Jason, you're good old silent
Jianyu the monk.

455
00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:16,332
So I told Vicky that I would handle
the surveillance on the four of you.

456
00:22:16,794 --> 00:22:20,834
That'll let us meet each day
for Chidi's ethics lessons

457
00:22:20,965 --> 00:22:23,127
which will apparently include me.

458
00:22:23,551 --> 00:22:25,258
Even though that's transparently insane.

459
00:22:25,636 --> 00:22:28,720
Cool. And, um, Janet
you're not gonna rat us out, right?

460
00:22:28,973 --> 00:22:34,139
Well, Jason I've been thinking about this
a lot over the last 1.3 milliseconds

461
00:22:34,603 --> 00:22:38,517
I'm not allowed to lie, but my purpose
is to make humans happy.

462
00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:41,312
And since you're the only
actual humans here

463
00:22:41,443 --> 00:22:44,481
I'm on board for whatever fun little
schemes you guys come up with.

464
00:22:44,989 --> 00:22:46,981
OK, bring it in.
Team huddle.

465
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:51,910
The Bad Place is about to be
outsmarted by a cowardly traitor

466
00:22:52,496 --> 00:22:55,204
four dum-dums, and a robot.
- Not a robot.

467
00:22:55,291 --> 00:22:57,658
We can do this.
Team Cockroach on three.

468
00:22:57,793 --> 00:22:59,034
One, two, three.

469
00:22:59,336 --> 00:23:01,453
- Team Cockroach!
- Bobcats!

470
00:23:02,506 --> 00:23:03,963
I still think that's better.

471
00:23:04,305 --> 00:24:04,704
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