1
00:00:00,386 --> 00:00:02,179
We're on the same page.

2
00:00:02,066 --> 00:00:03,735
I wanna team up with you.

3
00:00:03,818 --> 00:00:06,321
What? Why? You do? What?

4
00:00:06,404 --> 00:00:09,032
I'm in a bit of a bind.
I could use backup.

5
00:00:09,115 --> 00:00:11,784
So, what do you say? New best friends?

6
00:00:12,994 --> 00:00:13,828
Stop.

7
00:00:13,912 --> 00:00:15,038
You wanna team up?

8
00:00:15,121 --> 00:00:17,707
You've been torturing us
and lying about it.

9
00:00:17,790 --> 00:00:19,918
Oh, let's not get caught up
on "who lied to whom"

10
00:00:20,001 --> 00:00:24,255
or "which one of us created
an entire fake reality in order to"

11
00:00:24,339 --> 00:00:28,009
cause eternal misery for the others."
That's ancient history.

12
00:00:28,092 --> 00:00:29,844
It was happening until 20 seconds ago.

13
00:00:29,928 --> 00:00:31,137
The point is that...

14
00:00:32,347 --> 00:00:34,307
circumstances have changed,

15
00:00:34,390 --> 00:00:37,685
and now all of us teaming up
is our best option.

16
00:00:37,769 --> 00:00:39,145
I love being on teams.

17
00:00:39,228 --> 00:00:41,856
Oh, we need a team name. Um...

18
00:00:41,940 --> 00:00:43,733
- The Bobcats.
- Great.

19
00:00:43,816 --> 00:00:44,734
Slow down, ding-dong.

20
00:00:44,817 --> 00:00:48,821
He wouldn't offer us a deal for no reason.
He needs us.

21
00:00:48,905 --> 00:00:50,031
Why?

22
00:00:50,114 --> 00:00:53,493
Because, as you said, you keep beating me.

23
00:00:53,576 --> 00:00:55,828
Look, I built this neighborhood

24
00:00:55,912 --> 00:01:01,334
as a way to torture the four of you,
psychologically, for thousands of years.

25
00:01:01,417 --> 00:01:05,630
And you keep figuring it out
and taking all the fun out of it.

26
00:01:05,713 --> 00:01:06,923
"Fun"?

27
00:01:07,006 --> 00:01:10,176
Today, there was a new development,
really chapped my nips.

28
00:01:10,260 --> 00:01:13,805
One of my employees
is blackmailing me. Vicky.

29
00:01:14,389 --> 00:01:17,350
She runs the clam chowder place
in the main square,

30
00:01:17,433 --> 00:01:18,726
A Little Bit Chowder Now.

31
00:01:18,810 --> 00:01:21,062
Oh, the place with the chowder fountain?

32
00:01:21,145 --> 00:01:22,397
No, that's Pump Up the Clam.

33
00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:25,692
A Little Bit Chowder Now has the lazy
river of chowder.

34
00:01:25,775 --> 00:01:27,986
How did we ever think
this was the Good Place?

35
00:01:28,069 --> 00:01:31,698
Vicky thinks she can
run this neighborhood better than I can.

36
00:01:31,781 --> 00:01:34,951
And she wants to start her version
in 30 minutes.

37
00:01:35,034 --> 00:01:38,287
I'm supposed to reboot you,
erase your memory,

38
00:01:38,371 --> 00:01:40,498
and turn control over to her.

39
00:01:40,581 --> 00:01:43,960
How can we team up
if you wipe our memories again?

40
00:01:44,043 --> 00:01:46,254
Easy. I'm not going to.

41
00:01:46,337 --> 00:01:48,923
You're going to act like
you've been rebooted

42
00:01:49,007 --> 00:01:51,759
and pretend Vicky and the others
are torturing you.

43
00:01:51,843 --> 00:01:54,429
But then, on your own time, in private,

44
00:01:54,512 --> 00:01:58,308
you can study ethics, ogle mailmen,
do whatever you want.

45
00:01:58,391 --> 00:02:00,601
- Can I play iPad?
- Sure you can, buddy.

46
00:02:00,685 --> 00:02:03,354
- Yes!
- Guys, there's no debate here.

47
00:02:03,438 --> 00:02:06,649
My boss gave me two chances
to make this work.

48
00:02:06,733 --> 00:02:10,236
Suffice to say,
I tried more than two times.

49
00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:13,614
If he finds out, we're all in hot water.

50
00:02:13,698 --> 00:02:16,242
Literally, they will boil us.

51
00:02:16,326 --> 00:02:19,954
We will be the main ingredient
in a chowder of pain.

52
00:02:21,622 --> 00:02:23,583
Human meeting. Bedroom. Now.

53
00:02:25,460 --> 00:02:30,173
Oh, yeah, um... That whole "no stair"
thing, that was, uh, part of the torture.

54
00:02:30,256 --> 00:02:31,507
Let me...

55
00:02:33,885 --> 00:02:35,428
Son of a bench.

56
00:02:42,060 --> 00:02:43,436
Anyone have any ideas?

57
00:02:43,519 --> 00:02:46,856
Believe it or not, I was
in a similar situation a few years ago,

58
00:02:46,939 --> 00:02:49,650
except in that instance,
"Michael" was Javier Bardem,

59
00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:52,195
and The Bad Place
was Vanessa Redgrave's panic room.

60
00:02:52,278 --> 00:02:55,281
Okay, stop talking.
Do not talk again for 100 hours.

61
00:02:55,364 --> 00:02:58,117
- What do we do?
- We team up with Michael.

62
00:02:58,201 --> 00:03:02,038
Okay. Hot take,
but I like your confidence. Tell me why.

63
00:03:02,121 --> 00:03:03,915
He has a bow tie.

64
00:03:03,998 --> 00:03:06,501
- Oh, no.
- I always trust dudes in bow ties.

65
00:03:06,584 --> 00:03:10,546
Once, a guy in a bow tie came up to me
at the Jacksonville bus station gun range,

66
00:03:10,630 --> 00:03:15,134
and said he'd give me $600 if I put
these weird turtles in my duffel bag,

67
00:03:15,218 --> 00:03:16,594
and brought them to Daytona Beach.

68
00:03:16,677 --> 00:03:21,557
So, I hotwired a swamp boat to Daytona
and the guy paid me the $600.

69
00:03:21,641 --> 00:03:25,561
My point is
you always trust dudes in bow ties.

70
00:03:28,856 --> 00:03:31,317
Look, Michael's a liar.
I know liars.

71
00:03:31,401 --> 00:03:33,986
It was my job
to trick people into buying fake medicine

72
00:03:34,070 --> 00:03:36,197
and I was the top salesperson
seven years in a row.

73
00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:37,896
I thought you only worked there
five years.

74
00:03:37,949 --> 00:03:41,619
Proves my point. This is a trick.
There's no way we trust him.

75
00:03:41,702 --> 00:03:43,913
I agree.
He could be lying about this whole thing.

76
00:03:43,996 --> 00:03:45,873
For all we know,
you three are in The Bad Place

77
00:03:45,957 --> 00:03:48,543
and I'm up in the Good Place
where I belong, being tested.

78
00:03:48,626 --> 00:03:52,004
- How would that even...
- I don't know, but it's possible!

79
00:03:52,088 --> 00:03:55,174
Before we do anything,
we need more information.

80
00:03:55,258 --> 00:03:57,468
We should ask him
every question we can think of.

81
00:03:57,552 --> 00:03:58,386
- Yes.
- Yes.

82
00:03:58,469 --> 00:04:00,596
We'll grill him
like the flank of an Iberian piglet.

83
00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:02,723
I'm sorry, has it been 100 hours?

84
00:04:06,060 --> 00:04:10,565
Okay, man. We got questions. First off,
how can we possibly trust you?

85
00:04:10,648 --> 00:04:12,775
You can't, but you have to.

86
00:04:12,859 --> 00:04:14,944
Logically, you shouldn't,
but you have no choice.

87
00:04:15,027 --> 00:04:18,698
I mean, I wouldn't if I were you.
It's a crazy thing to do. But you gotta.

88
00:04:18,781 --> 00:04:19,907
What happens if we don't?

89
00:04:19,991 --> 00:04:23,911
Most likely, I reboot you once more,
you figure it out again,

90
00:04:23,995 --> 00:04:27,039
Vicky tells my boss,
he shuts everything down,

91
00:04:27,123 --> 00:04:28,666
I get punished,

92
00:04:28,749 --> 00:04:32,670
you end up spending the rest of eternity
in the real Bad Place,

93
00:04:32,753 --> 00:04:35,548
up to your necks
in a volcano full of scorpions.

94
00:04:35,631 --> 00:04:39,010
I'll tell you what I wanna know now
before going further.

95
00:04:39,093 --> 00:04:42,263
Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win
the Super Bowl last year?

96
00:04:44,307 --> 00:04:45,516
Oh.

97
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:47,059
You're serious. Uh, no.

98
00:04:47,143 --> 00:04:51,355
- Will they ever win the Super Bowl?
- Jason, I can't predict the future.

99
00:04:51,439 --> 00:04:53,107
But no. They won't.

100
00:04:53,191 --> 00:04:56,194
- I have 12 more Jaguars questions...
- No, you don't.

101
00:04:56,277 --> 00:04:57,403
- Hey, Janet.
- Hi, there.

102
00:04:57,487 --> 00:04:59,947
Do you have something shiny
Jason can play with?

103
00:05:03,117 --> 00:05:05,502
How many different versions of this place
have we been through?

104
00:05:06,412 --> 00:05:07,288
Uh, let's see.

105
00:05:07,371 --> 00:05:10,958
Eight hundred and two.
The longest was 11 months.

106
00:05:11,042 --> 00:05:14,212
Uh, this current one
has only been going for one week.

107
00:05:14,295 --> 00:05:17,423
You guys barely know each other.
That's gonna make this tough.

108
00:05:17,507 --> 00:05:19,050
What's that super-tiny line?

109
00:05:19,133 --> 00:05:21,427
That's the shortest one.
Eight seconds.

110
00:05:21,511 --> 00:05:25,223
It was a butt-reboot.
I sat on the activator by mistake.

111
00:05:25,306 --> 00:05:27,558
Michael, was I also rebooted 802 times?

112
00:05:27,642 --> 00:05:29,602
Yes. Why?

113
00:05:29,685 --> 00:05:31,479
Every time a Janet is rebooted,

114
00:05:31,562 --> 00:05:35,066
she increases
her social awareness and abilities.

115
00:05:35,149 --> 00:05:37,568
I might be the most advanced Janet
in the universe.

116
00:05:37,652 --> 00:05:38,486
Oh.

117
00:05:39,946 --> 00:05:41,989
So, Janet isn't with you?

118
00:05:42,073 --> 00:05:46,118
No. There has to be a Janet
in every neighborhood, good and bad.

119
00:05:46,202 --> 00:05:50,331
This one is an actual Good Place Janet
that I stole to help sell the ruse.

120
00:05:50,414 --> 00:05:53,292
I guess it didn't work, though,
because you keep failing.

121
00:05:53,376 --> 00:05:55,211
- Yes. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

122
00:05:55,294 --> 00:05:58,047
If you're not human,
why do you look like us?

123
00:05:58,130 --> 00:06:01,133
Everyone in
the Bad Place Bureau of Human Affairs

124
00:06:01,217 --> 00:06:03,970
gets randomly assigned a human body

125
00:06:04,053 --> 00:06:07,306
so we can get the feel
of how best to torture you.

126
00:06:07,390 --> 00:06:10,726
I gotta say, it took me a long time
to get used to the hanging bits.

127
00:06:10,810 --> 00:06:11,894
Gross.

128
00:06:11,978 --> 00:06:13,639
Oh, get your mind out of the gutter,
Eleanor.

129
00:06:13,646 --> 00:06:15,314
I was talking about my testicles.

130
00:06:15,398 --> 00:06:17,984
Mindy St. Claire's is fake, I bet.

131
00:06:18,067 --> 00:06:19,235
No, the Medium Place is real.

132
00:06:19,318 --> 00:06:23,281
So annoying how you managed
to slip away from me all those times.

133
00:06:23,364 --> 00:06:27,827
Why even tell us about any real thing?
Why not just lie about all of it?

134
00:06:27,910 --> 00:06:30,788
Lies are more convincing
when they're close to the truth.

135
00:06:30,871 --> 00:06:34,417
That's true. I crashed a lot of
open-bar weddings as Eileen Shelbourne.

136
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:37,503
Even dated a groomsman for a few months,
so I had to keep the name,

137
00:06:37,586 --> 00:06:40,423
and he got "Eileen" tattooed on his neck.

138
00:06:40,506 --> 00:06:41,424
Seriously?

139
00:06:41,507 --> 00:06:44,218
- How is she and I in the same place?
- Oh, get over yourself.

140
00:06:44,302 --> 00:06:46,971
Trust me, don't trust me,
it doesn't matter.

141
00:06:47,054 --> 00:06:49,849
We're running out of time
and I'm your only option.

142
00:06:49,932 --> 00:06:53,936
"We're running out of time
and I'm your only option?"

143
00:06:54,020 --> 00:06:58,691
A lot of guys your age said that to me
just as the bar was about to close.

144
00:06:58,774 --> 00:06:59,984
But I never settled for them.

145
00:07:00,067 --> 00:07:03,487
Because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby,
was obsessed with me,

146
00:07:03,571 --> 00:07:06,073
and never slept
because he was addicted to Adderall.

147
00:07:06,157 --> 00:07:08,951
There is always another option.

148
00:07:09,035 --> 00:07:11,370
You guys do whatever you want. I'm out.

149
00:07:11,454 --> 00:07:15,207
No! My plan only works
if all four of you are on board.

150
00:07:15,291 --> 00:07:17,918
Then you better get cracking
on a new plan, pally,

151
00:07:18,002 --> 00:07:21,672
because I haven't heard
one good reason why I should help you.

152
00:07:21,756 --> 00:07:22,757
How about this?

153
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:26,218
You help me trick Vicky
and all those other goons...

154
00:07:27,303 --> 00:07:30,014
I can get you to the real Good Place.

155
00:07:33,702 --> 00:07:36,038
There's a way
to get to the real Good Place?

156
00:07:36,121 --> 00:07:37,164
It's complicated.

157
00:07:37,247 --> 00:07:39,041
It may take a while to arrange,

158
00:07:39,124 --> 00:07:40,876
especially since I'll have to
do it in secret,

159
00:07:40,959 --> 00:07:45,339
but yes, there is
a potential method of transportation.

160
00:07:45,422 --> 00:07:49,551
Well, is it nice? Is there
a business class? Can I pre-board?

161
00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:51,095
Let's not worry about that now.

162
00:07:51,178 --> 00:07:53,847
- I can get us there.
- "Us"?

163
00:07:53,931 --> 00:07:58,894
You, Mr. Diabolical Torture Guy, are gonna
try to join us in the Good Place?

164
00:07:58,977 --> 00:08:01,980
Yeah. If I stay in the Bad Place,
I'm doomed.

165
00:08:02,064 --> 00:08:04,525
But if I rescue four...

166
00:08:04,608 --> 00:08:07,903
pitiful, foul-smelling humans
from eternal damnation,

167
00:08:07,986 --> 00:08:10,155
hit 'em with the big puppy-dog eyes,

168
00:08:10,239 --> 00:08:14,451
"Please, sir, take pity on me,
I've changed," and all that crap...

169
00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:16,203
maybe I can earn a spot too.

170
00:08:16,286 --> 00:08:18,914
We didn't deserve the Good Place
based on our time on Earth.

171
00:08:18,997 --> 00:08:21,917
- Will they let us stay?
- Honestly, I have no idea.

172
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,128
But if you help me fool Vicky,

173
00:08:24,211 --> 00:08:27,339
at least your brains don't get erased
every two weeks.

174
00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:33,429
Okay, all humans who have not
already been suckered by Michael,

175
00:08:33,512 --> 00:08:35,180
another team meeting.

176
00:08:35,264 --> 00:08:37,057
This is definitely a trap.

177
00:08:37,141 --> 00:08:39,309
We figured out his game every time,

178
00:08:39,393 --> 00:08:41,562
and now he's trying a new way
to mess with us.

179
00:08:41,645 --> 00:08:44,273
Teaming up with a demon is insane.

180
00:08:44,356 --> 00:08:47,317
Maybe.
But I think we have to do it.

181
00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:49,069
Are you forking kidding me right now?

182
00:08:49,153 --> 00:08:51,071
You take half an hour
to pick out a turtleneck,

183
00:08:51,155 --> 00:08:52,617
- and this you're sure about?
- Look...

184
00:08:52,698 --> 00:08:54,776
I spent my whole life
trying to learn about right and wrong,

185
00:08:54,783 --> 00:08:57,161
and, apparently, I failed.

186
00:08:57,244 --> 00:08:59,705
I want us to get better and stay that way.

187
00:08:59,788 --> 00:09:03,167
- You understand, right, Tahani?
- I understand nothing.

188
00:09:03,250 --> 00:09:05,335
Hey, same here.

189
00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:06,650
Michael, there's been a mistake.

190
00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:10,215
I belong in the Good Place,
the real one, with good people.

191
00:09:10,299 --> 00:09:13,093
- Who do I speak to about correcting this?
- Me and you're wrong.

192
00:09:13,177 --> 00:09:15,888
Very well.
I want to speak to your manager.

193
00:09:15,971 --> 00:09:17,681
Listen, sweetheart.

194
00:09:17,765 --> 00:09:20,726
You've only been in this timeline
for about a week.

195
00:09:20,809 --> 00:09:23,103
So, I'll fast-forward things a bit.

196
00:09:23,187 --> 00:09:26,023
There's a very good reason
why you ended up here.

197
00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:29,067
You never cared about
the people you helped.

198
00:09:29,151 --> 00:09:33,447
You did it only for fame or status
or to spite your family.

199
00:09:33,530 --> 00:09:35,032
That is utter tosh!

200
00:09:35,115 --> 00:09:39,077
I had my flaws like anyone else,
but I raised billions for charity.

201
00:09:39,161 --> 00:09:43,040
I was a good person,
and I defy you to prove otherwise.

202
00:09:43,123 --> 00:09:47,044
In all the reboots,
I never showed you how you died.

203
00:09:47,127 --> 00:09:50,714
I was saving it in case I ever needed
to really make you miserable.

204
00:09:50,798 --> 00:09:52,674
But it's hilarious.

205
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:54,259
Of course, I mean, sad.

206
00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:57,513
It might help you come to grips
with who you were.

207
00:09:57,596 --> 00:09:59,473
Do you want to remember it?

208
00:10:02,559 --> 00:10:03,811
Tahani Al-Jamil.

209
00:10:03,894 --> 00:10:06,980
Social activist,
philanthropist, neck model,

210
00:10:07,064 --> 00:10:09,650
and now, cover girl
for International Sophisticate Magazine.

211
00:10:09,733 --> 00:10:12,361
- Tahani, welcome.
- Oh, it's such an honor.

212
00:10:12,444 --> 00:10:16,490
I have long dreamed of being one of
the women who grace your cover.

213
00:10:16,573 --> 00:10:18,200
Let's begin with your sister, Kamilah.

214
00:10:18,283 --> 00:10:21,703
A woman who, as you know, was offered
the cover, but turned it down.

215
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:25,582
I actually didn't know that.

216
00:10:25,666 --> 00:10:27,125
Please carry on.

217
00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:29,094
Next week,
Kamilah will travel to Cleveland, Ohio,

218
00:10:29,169 --> 00:10:30,785
to become the youngest person
ever inducted

219
00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:32,673
into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

220
00:10:32,756 --> 00:10:34,091
Remarkable.

221
00:10:34,883 --> 00:10:35,717
Is there a question?

222
00:10:36,593 --> 00:10:37,886
Don't you find that remarkable?

223
00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:41,098
Kamilah is very impressive.

224
00:10:41,181 --> 00:10:44,101
As you know, she released
her debut album only six months ago.

225
00:10:44,184 --> 00:10:46,436
Yet the critics thought it so brilliant

226
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:50,148
the Hall of Fame decided to waive
its 25-year waiting period.

227
00:10:50,232 --> 00:10:52,985
Sadly, I will not be attending
the ceremony

228
00:10:53,068 --> 00:10:56,530
'cause I will be in Haiti
on a relief mission.

229
00:10:56,613 --> 00:10:59,324
- Perhaps we should talk more about that.
- Perhaps we should.

230
00:10:59,408 --> 00:11:01,410
First, another question about Kamilah.

231
00:11:01,493 --> 00:11:05,080
Don't you think she and I'd be friends?
We have a lot in common.

232
00:11:05,163 --> 00:11:07,499
We're both Capricorn,
and we're both only children.

233
00:11:10,085 --> 00:11:12,504
I'm sorry. I forgot about you.

234
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:20,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

235
00:11:26,602 --> 00:11:31,356
Kamilah! Congratulations.
You have all the attention, once again.

236
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:32,608
Who are you?

237
00:11:33,275 --> 00:11:34,109
Really?

238
00:11:35,152 --> 00:11:40,532
Good Lord. Tahani!
You're a cocktail waitress now.

239
00:11:40,616 --> 00:11:42,451
This is the right move for you.

240
00:11:42,534 --> 00:11:45,245
No. It's just that
my sister didn't even deign

241
00:11:45,329 --> 00:11:46,913
to invite me to her little soiree,

242
00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:51,251
so I had to weasel my way in here
like some common weasel.

243
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:54,463
I was supposed to be in Haiti
being photographed helping people,

244
00:11:54,546 --> 00:11:57,591
but, instead, I delayed my trip by a day
to come here and tell you off.

245
00:11:57,674 --> 00:12:02,137
No, you came to do what you always do,
make a scene and embarrass yourself.

246
00:12:02,220 --> 00:12:05,515
I'm an embarrassment to you?
Is that what you think of me?

247
00:12:05,599 --> 00:12:07,434
Honestly?

248
00:12:07,517 --> 00:12:08,935
I don't think about you.

249
00:12:19,196 --> 00:12:20,447
No! Ow.

250
00:12:24,534 --> 00:12:25,952
I will bring you down!

251
00:12:28,622 --> 00:12:32,709
Come on. Come on! Come down to the ground,
where you belong...

252
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:37,839
- Oh, no.
- Mmm.

253
00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:40,342
I died in Cleveland?

254
00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:44,262
I don't think that should be
your biggest takeaway from that story.

255
00:12:44,346 --> 00:12:46,390
Is that really all I cared about?

256
00:12:46,473 --> 00:12:48,975
Just outshining my sister
and gaining praise and acclaim?

257
00:12:49,059 --> 00:12:52,896
'Cause, I mean,
I did gain praise and acclaim.

258
00:12:52,979 --> 00:12:54,690
I dare say, on occasion,

259
00:12:54,773 --> 00:12:59,486
more praise and acclaim
than my sister, Kamilah, so...

260
00:13:00,904 --> 00:13:02,197
Oh.

261
00:13:03,615 --> 00:13:04,908
Oh, I see.

262
00:13:05,492 --> 00:13:07,160
Oh, God.

263
00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:09,705
Oh, come on, now. It's not all bad.

264
00:13:09,788 --> 00:13:13,208
Imagine you're me,
and you're designing a torture chamber

265
00:13:13,291 --> 00:13:16,294
for people who think
they belong in the Good Place.

266
00:13:16,378 --> 00:13:19,423
I mean, you were perfect.

267
00:13:19,506 --> 00:13:21,842
Well, I've always wanted
to be perfect at something.

268
00:13:21,925 --> 00:13:24,302
I never thought
it would be the perfect stooge.

269
00:13:25,887 --> 00:13:29,558
I want to do it. I want to become
the person I pretended to be.

270
00:13:29,641 --> 00:13:31,511
I agree with Chidi.
We should team up with Michael,

271
00:13:31,518 --> 00:13:33,645
and all try to build a better Tahani.

272
00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:37,107
Great. Yet again,
it's everyone against Eleanor

273
00:13:37,190 --> 00:13:39,693
because everyone except Eleanor
is an idiot.

274
00:13:39,776 --> 00:13:42,529
Why am I the only person
who clearly sees what's going on here?

275
00:13:42,612 --> 00:13:43,982
It's not that
we don't understand the risks.

276
00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:47,159
We want to become better people
and this is our best chance.

277
00:13:47,242 --> 00:13:48,326
Oh, I get it.

278
00:13:48,410 --> 00:13:50,829
'Cause you're so much better than me.

279
00:13:50,912 --> 00:13:53,074
- That's what this is about.
- Hang on, don't lash out at us

280
00:13:53,081 --> 00:13:54,826
- just because of your innate distrust...
- "Lash out"?

281
00:13:54,833 --> 00:13:56,626
No, it's not about who's better...

282
00:13:56,710 --> 00:14:01,840
I have no idea what's going on
but everyone is talking and I should too.

283
00:14:01,923 --> 00:14:03,842
What is so funny?

284
00:14:03,925 --> 00:14:06,052
I'm sorry, I shouldn't be laughing.

285
00:14:06,136 --> 00:14:07,262
How do I explain this?

286
00:14:07,345 --> 00:14:12,184
I'm basically an exterminator
and you're cockroaches.

287
00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:17,147
My job was to squish you
and poison you, and yet,

288
00:14:17,230 --> 00:14:23,361
somehow, my very survival now depends on
you, the cockroaches, agreeing to help me.

289
00:14:23,445 --> 00:14:24,321
That's funny.

290
00:14:24,404 --> 00:14:26,531
- We're cockroaches to you?
- Yeah.

291
00:14:27,115 --> 00:14:28,617
Or dung beetles.

292
00:14:28,700 --> 00:14:31,203
I don't know, something small and gross

293
00:14:31,286 --> 00:14:33,371
that creeps on the ground
in its own filth.

294
00:14:33,955 --> 00:14:35,082
Just being honest.

295
00:14:35,165 --> 00:14:37,292
- Oh!
- Okay. Okay. Okay.

296
00:14:37,375 --> 00:14:40,128
- Oh!
- All right. Forget about him. Focus on us.

297
00:14:40,212 --> 00:14:43,048
Kant wrote,
"It is our duty to improve ourselves."

298
00:14:43,131 --> 00:14:45,258
So, whatever Michael's reasons
for doing this,

299
00:14:45,342 --> 00:14:48,303
he's giving us the best chance
to improve ourselves.

300
00:14:49,888 --> 00:14:55,227
I admit you're making a lot of sense.
I need to just untangle all of this.

301
00:14:56,228 --> 00:14:59,106
Give me a minute to think about it alone.

302
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:00,774
Okay.

303
00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:07,280
- Janet?
- Hi, there.

304
00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:10,158
Call me a train.
Fill it to the brim with cocaine.

305
00:15:11,201 --> 00:15:14,121
I'm going back
to Mindy St. Claire's house.

306
00:15:19,751 --> 00:15:20,794
Gonna bail, huh?

307
00:15:21,378 --> 00:15:22,921
Hmm? No.

308
00:15:23,922 --> 00:15:25,298
Why would you say that?

309
00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:27,467
Well, you got a bag full of clothes,

310
00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:31,596
you stuffed pillows and a mop in your bed
to make it look like you're asleep,

311
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,099
and you're sneaking out the back gate.

312
00:15:34,182 --> 00:15:36,434
Okay. I'm going to Mindy's.

313
00:15:36,518 --> 00:15:41,148
I don't want to live forever in a boring
beige house, with a weird, horny cokehead,

314
00:15:41,231 --> 00:15:42,899
but look at what you're asking me to do.

315
00:15:42,983 --> 00:15:47,988
Make a deal with an actual devil
so I can then do homework in secret.

316
00:15:48,071 --> 00:15:52,200
By the way, you're not my friends, man.
We've known each other for a week.

317
00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:53,410
You know it's more than that.

318
00:15:53,493 --> 00:15:57,164
We've been through some version of this
800 different times.

319
00:15:57,247 --> 00:15:59,499
Who cares that it's only been a week?

320
00:15:59,583 --> 00:16:02,502
How long do you have to know someone
before you do the right thing?

321
00:16:02,586 --> 00:16:04,588
Nine weeks! Minimum.

322
00:16:04,671 --> 00:16:05,755
Okay.

323
00:16:05,839 --> 00:16:10,510
Look, bro, I don't owe you anything.
I gotta do what's right for me.

324
00:16:12,095 --> 00:16:15,307
Come with me if you want.
I got another mop we can put in the bed.

325
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:17,475
Good luck.

326
00:16:27,861 --> 00:16:30,113
I got a couple more questions.

327
00:16:29,904 --> 00:16:33,116
Sure, take your time.
We're not in a hurry or anything.

328
00:16:33,199 --> 00:16:35,034
How many times, in all the reboots,

329
00:16:35,118 --> 00:16:38,162
did I ask Chidi for help,
he refused to help me,

330
00:16:38,246 --> 00:16:41,457
- and I had to get better on my own?
- Never. He always helped you.

331
00:16:43,167 --> 00:16:44,627
- Really?
- Yep.

332
00:16:44,710 --> 00:16:46,504
No matter how I set it up,

333
00:16:46,587 --> 00:16:49,048
you found him,
confessed you didn't belong,

334
00:16:49,132 --> 00:16:51,342
asked him for help, he said yes.

335
00:16:51,426 --> 00:16:54,220
Now, his agreeing to help
was part of my plan,

336
00:16:54,303 --> 00:16:58,391
what wasn't part of my plan
was it actually working.

337
00:16:58,474 --> 00:16:59,809
Drove me nuts.

338
00:16:59,892 --> 00:17:02,186
Pesky little nerd stuck with you,

339
00:17:02,270 --> 00:17:05,398
and always helped you
overcome your biggest problem.

340
00:17:05,982 --> 00:17:08,276
Assuming that's my selfishness?

341
00:17:08,359 --> 00:17:09,902
No. No, no, no.

342
00:17:09,986 --> 00:17:13,781
It's that you never found a haircut
that framed your face properly.

343
00:17:13,865 --> 00:17:18,077
- Yes, your selfishness.
- I'm not that selfish.

344
00:17:18,161 --> 00:17:20,997
- Your cocaine and escape train are ready.
- Not now.

345
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:22,331
Okay.

346
00:17:26,544 --> 00:17:28,171
I think Michael is a liar.

347
00:17:28,254 --> 00:17:30,756
There's a 99% chance he's forking with us.

348
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:34,302
But he's asking us for help,
so we should help him.

349
00:17:34,385 --> 00:17:36,220
Because that's what Chidi would do.

350
00:17:36,304 --> 00:17:39,348
That's what Chidi would do for me,
or for any of us.

351
00:17:39,432 --> 00:17:42,393
- It's what I am doing.
- I know.

352
00:17:42,477 --> 00:17:45,062
You're talking about me
like I'm not here or something

353
00:17:45,146 --> 00:17:47,607
and that just makes me feel weird.

354
00:17:48,774 --> 00:17:51,694
All right.
We're all in. We'll help you.

355
00:17:52,278 --> 00:17:53,821
You finally listened to reason.

356
00:17:53,905 --> 00:17:55,531
On one condition.

357
00:17:56,491 --> 00:18:00,244
You want to be on our team,
you got to be on our team.

358
00:18:00,328 --> 00:18:02,371
Which means the professor over here

359
00:18:02,455 --> 00:18:05,458
is gonna give us all lessons
on how to be better people,

360
00:18:05,541 --> 00:18:07,084
including you.

361
00:18:07,168 --> 00:18:11,339
Oh. No.
No, I won't be taking any classes.

362
00:18:11,422 --> 00:18:15,885
I'm an immortal being
with abilities you can only dream of...

363
00:18:15,968 --> 00:18:22,475
Yeah, and we're an Arizona dirtbag,
a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster

364
00:18:22,558 --> 00:18:25,895
and literally the dumbest person
I have ever met.

365
00:18:25,978 --> 00:18:28,272
And who am I? Describe me now.

366
00:18:28,356 --> 00:18:32,443
We are all going to take classes.
We are all going to improve.

367
00:18:32,527 --> 00:18:34,529
And the second you betray us,

368
00:18:34,612 --> 00:18:36,781
I walk into Vicky's
stinky chowder restaurant,

369
00:18:36,864 --> 00:18:38,115
and tell her everything.

370
00:18:38,199 --> 00:18:43,246
You agree to those terms
and you can join us on Team Cockroach.

371
00:18:43,329 --> 00:18:45,373
So, what's it gonna be?

372
00:18:45,456 --> 00:18:49,252
You're running out of time.
And we're your only option.

373
00:18:52,213 --> 00:18:56,551
- It's all frozen yogurt places now, huh?
- Yeah. Yogurt was what we started with.

374
00:18:56,634 --> 00:19:00,012
A lot of us liked the first version best,
so we went back to

375
00:19:00,096 --> 00:19:04,433
322 perfectly matched human souls,

376
00:19:04,517 --> 00:19:08,104
blended together
in a blissful, harmonic balance.

377
00:19:08,187 --> 00:19:09,939
Well done.

378
00:19:10,022 --> 00:19:13,568
I've only given this opening day tour
to you 800 times.

379
00:19:13,651 --> 00:19:16,904
Hey, how's this for
my "Oh, my God, I'm in Heaven" face?

380
00:19:17,905 --> 00:19:18,739
Not bad.

381
00:19:18,823 --> 00:19:20,783
Right? I'm a pretty good liar.

382
00:19:22,076 --> 00:19:25,329
Now, I want to introduce someone
you'll get to know very well.

383
00:19:25,413 --> 00:19:26,831
She was the top point-getter,

384
00:19:26,914 --> 00:19:30,251
so she'll help me around
the neighborhood, like your mayor.

385
00:19:30,334 --> 00:19:32,712
Vicky Sengupta!

386
00:19:34,130 --> 00:19:35,666
Vicky, would you like to say a few words?

387
00:19:35,673 --> 00:19:39,093
Actually, Michael,
I'd like to sing a few words.

388
00:19:39,176 --> 00:19:40,428
Janet, hit it.

389
00:19:44,307 --> 00:19:47,768
♪ At first I was afraid
I was petrified ♪

390
00:19:47,852 --> 00:19:51,856
♪ Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side... ♪

391
00:19:52,940 --> 00:19:55,526
We should have a few hours to ourselves.

392
00:19:55,610 --> 00:19:59,071
Vicky's working on her performance
for the welcome party.

393
00:19:59,155 --> 00:20:02,533
It looks like pretending to enjoy
her singing will be half our job here.

394
00:20:02,617 --> 00:20:05,202
She told me how she was gonna
torture you at the party,

395
00:20:05,286 --> 00:20:07,663
which is basically the same way I did.

396
00:20:07,747 --> 00:20:13,169
Eleanor gets drunk, hogs all the shrimp,
insults people, et cetera.

397
00:20:13,252 --> 00:20:17,882
Whatever bad stuff you do becomes
the basis for the chaos tomorrow morning.

398
00:20:17,965 --> 00:20:21,636
Okay, okay. So, my job
is to get drunk and insult people.

399
00:20:21,719 --> 00:20:22,720
I can hack that.

400
00:20:22,803 --> 00:20:27,391
Now, Chidi, I'll need you to
act nervous and embarrassed by Eleanor.

401
00:20:27,475 --> 00:20:28,559
Way ahead of you.

402
00:20:28,643 --> 00:20:30,853
Tahani, just be your fabulous self,

403
00:20:30,936 --> 00:20:34,690
and, Jason, your good, old,
silent Jianyu the monk.

404
00:20:35,274 --> 00:20:38,986
So, I told Vicky I would handle
the surveillance on the four of you.

405
00:20:39,070 --> 00:20:43,366
That'll let us meet each day
for Chidi's ethics lessons,

406
00:20:43,449 --> 00:20:45,951
which will apparently include me.

407
00:20:46,035 --> 00:20:47,870
Even though that's transparently insane.

408
00:20:47,953 --> 00:20:51,374
Cool. And, um, Janet,
you're not gonna rat us out, right?

409
00:20:51,457 --> 00:20:56,796
Jason, I've thought about this a lot over
the last one and a third milliseconds.

410
00:20:56,879 --> 00:21:01,425
I'm not allowed to lie,
but my purpose is to make humans happy.

411
00:21:01,509 --> 00:21:03,969
And since you're
the only actual humans here,

412
00:21:04,053 --> 00:21:07,473
I'm on board for whatever fun
little schemes you guys come up with.

413
00:21:07,556 --> 00:21:09,600
Okay. Bring it in. Team huddle.

414
00:21:10,643 --> 00:21:13,437
The Bad Place is about to be outsmarted

415
00:21:13,521 --> 00:21:16,732
by a cowardly traitor, four dumdums
and a robot.

416
00:21:16,816 --> 00:21:18,651
- Not a robot.
- We can do this.

417
00:21:18,734 --> 00:21:21,862
Team Cockroach, on three. One, two, three.

418
00:21:21,946 --> 00:21:24,407
- Team Cockroach!
- Bobcats!

419
00:21:24,490 --> 00:21:26,617
- No.
- I still think that's better.

420
00:21:27,305 --> 00:21:33,784
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