1
00:00:00,086 --> 00:00:01,781
Okay. I don't know about you guys,
2
00:00:01,813 --> 00:00:04,171
but I say we leave this
miserable shirthole.
3
00:00:04,219 --> 00:00:06,187
Now wait. Wait. Not so fast.
4
00:00:06,221 --> 00:00:09,262
Now getting to the Good Place
is pretty tricky.
5
00:00:09,324 --> 00:00:10,878
There's no train to catch.
6
00:00:10,903 --> 00:00:15,425
I have to design a complicated,
unique, transportation vehicle.
7
00:00:15,450 --> 00:00:17,685
- Is it Optimus Prime?
- What?
8
00:00:17,727 --> 00:00:20,329
I can't believe we get to
ride a real-life Optimus Prime.
9
00:00:20,363 --> 00:00:21,449
I call right nipple!
10
00:00:21,474 --> 00:00:23,699
That's shotgun on Optimus Prime.
11
00:00:23,733 --> 00:00:27,769
Look. This vehicle, which is
decidedly not Optimus Prime...
12
00:00:27,804 --> 00:00:29,871
- Aw!
- Has never been built before.
13
00:00:29,906 --> 00:00:31,840
So I'm gonna need a few days to do this.
14
00:00:31,874 --> 00:00:34,609
Dude, we just escaped
by the skin of our teeth.
15
00:00:34,644 --> 00:00:36,345
And any second now,
Shawn is gonna realize
16
00:00:36,379 --> 00:00:38,046
that we are not at Mindy St. Clair's.
17
00:00:38,081 --> 00:00:41,717
So whatever this magical
Good Place-mobile is,
18
00:00:41,751 --> 00:00:43,618
now's the time to whip it out, B.
19
00:00:43,653 --> 00:00:45,387
I agree. And although
I believe I've asked
20
00:00:45,421 --> 00:00:47,689
- you this question already...
- There is no business class.
21
00:00:47,724 --> 00:00:50,993
Michael, they're right. We gotta go.
22
00:00:51,027 --> 00:00:52,561
[SCREEN BEEPING]
23
00:00:52,595 --> 00:00:54,229
Oh... [MUMBLES]
24
00:00:54,263 --> 00:00:55,864
Okay. Here goes nothing.
25
00:00:55,898 --> 00:00:56,999
Janet, if you would.
26
00:00:57,033 --> 00:00:59,701
And presto!
27
00:01:01,571 --> 00:01:04,339
Oops. Forgot to log in first.
28
00:01:04,374 --> 00:01:06,842
Gotta answer my security question.
29
00:01:06,876 --> 00:01:09,578
What was the name of your childhood pet?
30
00:01:09,612 --> 00:01:13,482
Korzoth, the ten-headed dog-spider.
31
00:01:13,516 --> 00:01:16,251
And presto!
32
00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:18,553
[WARM MUSIC]
33
00:01:18,588 --> 00:01:22,190
- Dope.
- We did it, guys. We won.
34
00:01:22,225 --> 00:01:24,526
We're going to The Good Place
35
00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:26,495
in a fricking gold balloon.
36
00:01:26,529 --> 00:01:28,663
- Shotgun!
- It's a hot air balloon.
37
00:01:28,698 --> 00:01:30,332
What does that even mean?
38
00:01:30,366 --> 00:01:33,568
Top of the balloon. Ultimate shotgun.
39
00:01:33,603 --> 00:01:36,571
[MELLOW MUSIC]
40
00:01:36,606 --> 00:01:40,609
♪
41
00:01:40,643 --> 00:01:42,577
So many memories of this place.
42
00:01:42,612 --> 00:01:45,380
Eating frozen yogurt,
and then having diarrhea,
43
00:01:45,415 --> 00:01:46,748
and then eating more frozen yogurt,
44
00:01:46,783 --> 00:01:48,683
and then more diarrhea.
45
00:01:48,718 --> 00:01:51,086
Maybe I should've realized
this wasn't the Good Place
46
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:52,687
'cause of all the diarrhea.
47
00:01:52,722 --> 00:01:53,889
Maybe you shouldn't
be eating all of that
48
00:01:53,923 --> 00:01:55,524
frozen yogurt right now.
49
00:01:55,558 --> 00:01:57,125
We're about to be on a balloon, man.
50
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,194
What do you think our new
home will be like?
51
00:01:59,228 --> 00:02:01,430
I'm picturing Hawaiian beach,
52
00:02:01,464 --> 00:02:04,566
unlimited mai tais, and a phone.
53
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:07,135
Ugh, I miss my phone so much.
54
00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:08,470
I bet I have so many texts.
55
00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:10,105
I just want us all to be together.
56
00:02:10,139 --> 00:02:11,640
Separate houses, obviously.
57
00:02:11,674 --> 00:02:15,410
Large lawns. I'd have a tasteful moat.
58
00:02:15,445 --> 00:02:17,045
I don't care where I live,
59
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:19,648
as long as they have more
of this frozen yogurt.
60
00:02:19,682 --> 00:02:23,885
- Why? Why?
- An unlimited library.
61
00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:25,954
All of my philosophy
heroes walking around,
62
00:02:25,988 --> 00:02:28,657
waiting to be engaged in
rigorous intellectual debate,
63
00:02:28,691 --> 00:02:30,992
and I hope that library
is air-conditioned,
64
00:02:31,027 --> 00:02:33,929
because we are going to be
working up quite a sweat.
65
00:02:33,963 --> 00:02:37,599
Oh! And soul mates! I hope they're real.
66
00:02:37,633 --> 00:02:40,836
I mean, you know for all of us.
67
00:02:40,870 --> 00:02:44,906
I hope everyone gets someone special.
68
00:02:44,941 --> 00:02:47,576
Good news! We've got a
handle on the controls.
69
00:02:47,610 --> 00:02:49,578
Who's ready to go balloonin'?
70
00:02:49,612 --> 00:02:51,513
Okay, I think we figured it out.
71
00:02:51,547 --> 00:02:53,615
[SCREEN BEEPS]
I pieced together this design
72
00:02:53,649 --> 00:02:55,750
from a number of ancient manuscripts,
73
00:02:55,785 --> 00:02:57,486
which Janet will now interpret for you.
74
00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,688
The balloon will only transport those
75
00:02:59,722 --> 00:03:01,523
who have attained self-realization.
76
00:03:01,557 --> 00:03:03,692
Each traveler will step upon the scale,
77
00:03:03,726 --> 00:03:05,160
and her soul shall be weighed.
78
00:03:05,194 --> 00:03:07,362
If she's the best version of herself,
79
00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:08,797
it will permit her to board.
80
00:03:08,831 --> 00:03:11,600
If not, passage will be denied.
81
00:03:11,634 --> 00:03:14,769
Cool. Cool. Cool. We got this.
82
00:03:14,804 --> 00:03:16,271
I don't know about you guys,
83
00:03:16,305 --> 00:03:18,840
but I am definitely
the best version of myself.
84
00:03:18,875 --> 00:03:22,878
I know a shirt-ton about ethics
now, 'cause I studied.
85
00:03:22,912 --> 00:03:25,614
And I read books
that weren't even written
86
00:03:25,648 --> 00:03:27,616
by the Real Housewives.
87
00:03:27,650 --> 00:03:31,186
Relax, everyone.
We're all gonna be fine.
88
00:03:31,220 --> 00:03:33,388
[TENSE MUSIC]
89
00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:35,056
- [SCALE CHIMES]
- Oh!
90
00:03:35,091 --> 00:03:37,325
Oh, man. I didn't believe
anything I was saying.
91
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:39,628
I just... whoo! In I go.
92
00:03:43,099 --> 00:03:44,166
[SCALE CHIMES]
93
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:45,834
Well, I mean...
94
00:03:50,706 --> 00:03:53,074
- [SCALE CHIMES]
- Oh dip!
95
00:03:53,109 --> 00:03:55,911
♪
96
00:03:55,945 --> 00:03:58,146
- [SCALE TOOTS]
- Aw, nuts!
97
00:03:58,181 --> 00:04:01,183
It's okay! The pattern
is green, green, green, red.
98
00:04:01,217 --> 00:04:02,651
Remember that when it starts up again.
99
00:04:02,685 --> 00:04:04,152
I'm sorry, everyone.
100
00:04:04,187 --> 00:04:07,322
I just have some worries
as well as some concerns
101
00:04:07,356 --> 00:04:09,591
that could potentially
turn into outright fears.
102
00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:12,227
Wow, there they go. They're fears now.
103
00:04:12,261 --> 00:04:13,995
Okay, I know this mood.
104
00:04:14,030 --> 00:04:16,498
Come with us, Dr. Freakout.
105
00:04:16,532 --> 00:04:17,866
That was a joke.
106
00:04:17,900 --> 00:04:19,668
We are actually very good friends.
107
00:04:19,702 --> 00:04:21,436
Okay, here's the thing.
108
00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:24,372
That balloon wants us to be
the best version of ourselves.
109
00:04:24,407 --> 00:04:26,541
But for the four of us,
that's not just a metaphor.
110
00:04:26,576 --> 00:04:30,946
There have literally been
802 different versions of us.
111
00:04:30,980 --> 00:04:32,514
And how do I know that this version
112
00:04:32,548 --> 00:04:34,182
is the best version of myself?
113
00:04:34,217 --> 00:04:38,453
How do I know it's not
version #85, or 322, or 558?
114
00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:40,188
Or 69, or 420?
115
00:04:40,223 --> 00:04:43,191
And then you get into the
whole idea of consciousness.
116
00:04:43,226 --> 00:04:44,759
And I mean just forget about best.
117
00:04:44,794 --> 00:04:46,394
And what version of Chidi is even real?
118
00:04:46,429 --> 00:04:48,363
What happens here? Does he
eventually tire himself out?
119
00:04:48,397 --> 00:04:51,132
Usually, but this one seems
to be getting stronger
120
00:04:51,167 --> 00:04:52,434
as he goes on.
121
00:04:52,468 --> 00:04:55,103
And this Chidi is an imposter!
122
00:04:55,137 --> 00:04:57,539
Okay. This is pretty simple, bud.
123
00:04:57,573 --> 00:04:59,441
You've been our teacher this whole time.
124
00:04:59,475 --> 00:05:01,977
And we are much better because of you.
125
00:05:02,011 --> 00:05:04,646
If we're the best versions of ourselves,
126
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,215
which that balloon just proved,
127
00:05:07,250 --> 00:05:09,284
then you definitely are.
128
00:05:09,318 --> 00:05:13,088
So in a way, it doesn't
matter if I was better
129
00:05:13,122 --> 00:05:17,425
in version 492 or whatever,
because the best version of me
130
00:05:17,460 --> 00:05:20,228
is just as much about my effect
on the world around me
131
00:05:20,263 --> 00:05:24,933
as it is about my own
egocentric self-image.
132
00:05:24,967 --> 00:05:27,235
I really meant that much to you guys?
133
00:05:27,270 --> 00:05:28,637
Of course you did.
134
00:05:28,671 --> 00:05:31,072
Now let's get you back
on that scale, dorkus.
135
00:05:31,107 --> 00:05:32,107
[CHUCKLES]
136
00:05:32,608 --> 00:05:35,343
♪
137
00:05:35,378 --> 00:05:37,479
Chidi, ready to try again?
138
00:05:37,513 --> 00:05:39,314
Yeah. All right.
139
00:05:41,884 --> 00:05:44,886
- [SCALE CHIMES]
- Yeah! Yeah!
140
00:05:45,788 --> 00:05:48,423
♪
141
00:05:48,457 --> 00:05:50,091
- [SCALE CHIMES]
- Yeah.
142
00:05:50,726 --> 00:05:53,595
♪
143
00:05:53,629 --> 00:05:55,597
- [SCALE CHIMES]
- Dope!
144
00:05:55,631 --> 00:05:59,367
♪
145
00:05:59,402 --> 00:06:02,904
- [SCALE TOOTS]
- Oh! Chidi got in my head.
146
00:06:04,109 --> 00:06:05,757
It's just that thing Chidi said
147
00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:07,203
about previous versions of myself.
148
00:06:07,228 --> 00:06:10,234
It's screwing me up. But I can fix it.
149
00:06:11,932 --> 00:06:15,097
I stole this from your house
the first night we were here.
150
00:06:15,159 --> 00:06:17,604
Okay. Should be the best
version of myself now.
151
00:06:19,126 --> 00:06:20,326
- [SCALE TOOTS]
- [GROANS]
152
00:06:20,361 --> 00:06:21,788
Come on, scale. Be cool.
153
00:06:21,813 --> 00:06:23,271
Guys, we're just not ready.
154
00:06:23,297 --> 00:06:25,431
I think we should regroup
and try again tomorrow.
155
00:06:25,466 --> 00:06:26,541
Hang on. I know the answer.
156
00:06:26,566 --> 00:06:28,500
I know why I'm not my best self.
157
00:06:28,636 --> 00:06:30,470
Do you remember that version of me
158
00:06:30,504 --> 00:06:32,772
from the tape of us at Mindy's?
159
00:06:32,806 --> 00:06:38,252
Where I was vulnerable
and emotional and honest?
160
00:06:38,545 --> 00:06:41,848
That Eleanor is a better
Eleanor than this one.
161
00:06:41,882 --> 00:06:44,217
And that is not an easy
thing for me to say,
162
00:06:44,251 --> 00:06:48,321
"You're not better than me"
was my yearbook quote.
163
00:06:48,355 --> 00:06:51,157
Michael, can you tell us a
little bit about that version?
164
00:06:51,191 --> 00:06:53,726
Reboot number 119.
165
00:06:53,761 --> 00:06:56,195
All the restaurants were kabob places.
166
00:06:56,230 --> 00:06:59,565
You had a pet lizard which I
made poop on you all the time.
167
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:01,234
No, can you tell us more about
168
00:07:01,268 --> 00:07:03,469
Chidi's and my relationship
from that version?
169
00:07:03,504 --> 00:07:04,704
Right. Sorry.
170
00:07:04,738 --> 00:07:06,139
Well, you got really into ethics,
171
00:07:06,173 --> 00:07:08,074
and you spent a lot of time together.
172
00:07:08,108 --> 00:07:12,545
Once you handed him a tissue
right before he sneezed,
173
00:07:12,579 --> 00:07:15,181
and that simple act
of anticipating his needs
174
00:07:15,215 --> 00:07:17,183
made him fall for you.
175
00:07:17,217 --> 00:07:20,920
One night you took a walk
along the lake,
176
00:07:20,954 --> 00:07:22,655
and you had your first kiss,
177
00:07:22,690 --> 00:07:25,191
which: Gross.
178
00:07:25,225 --> 00:07:27,193
Kissing is gross.
179
00:07:27,234 --> 00:07:29,769
You just mash your food holes together.
180
00:07:29,797 --> 00:07:31,264
It's not for that.
181
00:07:31,298 --> 00:07:36,869
Anyway, it just you know
bloomed after that.
182
00:07:36,904 --> 00:07:40,173
Look, there are obviously
some undealt-with issues here.
183
00:07:40,207 --> 00:07:42,442
I propose that everyone who was green
184
00:07:42,476 --> 00:07:44,610
go ahead and board the magic balloon,
185
00:07:44,645 --> 00:07:46,346
and set out to the Good Place.
186
00:07:46,380 --> 00:07:47,714
Sort of like an advance team.
187
00:07:47,748 --> 00:07:50,049
We'll put our names in or book a table.
188
00:07:50,084 --> 00:07:51,284
However it works.
189
00:07:51,318 --> 00:07:53,086
And then we'll send back
the magical balloon
190
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:55,221
for the red light people later on.
191
00:07:55,255 --> 00:07:56,556
It's a perfect plan.
192
00:07:56,590 --> 00:07:58,191
[SCALE TOOTS]
193
00:07:58,225 --> 00:07:59,759
No! It's not working!
194
00:07:59,793 --> 00:08:01,361
It probably thinks I'm Eleanor.
195
00:08:01,395 --> 00:08:03,896
It is I, Tahani.
196
00:08:03,931 --> 00:08:06,399
In case you were wondering,
I am by definition
197
00:08:06,433 --> 00:08:08,067
the best version of myself,
198
00:08:08,102 --> 00:08:09,702
because my operating system
is always updating.
199
00:08:09,737 --> 00:08:11,637
I'm not sure that's true, Janet.
200
00:08:11,672 --> 00:08:13,072
You still haven't talked to Jason
201
00:08:13,107 --> 00:08:14,741
about your romantic baggage,
202
00:08:14,775 --> 00:08:16,642
and the three of you are in some sort
203
00:08:16,677 --> 00:08:18,244
of weird love triangle.
204
00:08:18,278 --> 00:08:19,579
You don't know what
you're talking about.
205
00:08:19,613 --> 00:08:21,280
Also, love isn't a triangle.
206
00:08:21,315 --> 00:08:23,249
It's a five dimensional blob, so...
207
00:08:23,283 --> 00:08:25,551
Okay. If you're so perfect,
step on the scale.
208
00:08:25,586 --> 00:08:26,886
Fine.
209
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:28,421
[SCALE TOOTS AND POPS]
210
00:08:28,455 --> 00:08:29,789
Ooh, I think I broke it.
211
00:08:29,823 --> 00:08:32,158
No! My beautiful balloon scale!
212
00:08:32,192 --> 00:08:33,593
It's not yours.
213
00:08:33,627 --> 00:08:35,395
No, no, please stop fighting.
214
00:08:35,429 --> 00:08:37,497
Oh man. This stinks.
215
00:08:37,531 --> 00:08:38,898
I'm having this feeling where...
216
00:08:38,932 --> 00:08:41,100
what is it called?
You know, where you...
217
00:08:41,135 --> 00:08:43,603
you did a thing and you're sad after it?
218
00:08:43,637 --> 00:08:45,605
After-sad? Is that... no.
219
00:08:45,639 --> 00:08:48,274
You humans have so many emotions!
220
00:08:48,308 --> 00:08:50,176
You only need two:
221
00:08:50,210 --> 00:08:51,844
Anger and confusion!
222
00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:53,579
Michael, what's going on?
223
00:08:53,614 --> 00:08:55,351
The problem isn't any of you.
224
00:08:55,376 --> 00:08:58,818
This whole balloon thing is a fake.
225
00:08:58,852 --> 00:09:02,255
The truth is, I have no idea
how to get into the Good Place
226
00:09:02,289 --> 00:09:03,890
and I never have!
227
00:09:06,860 --> 00:09:08,461
Well, Michael's right.
228
00:09:08,694 --> 00:09:12,331
I'm angry and confused.
229
00:09:14,427 --> 00:09:17,052
So months ago,
230
00:09:17,125 --> 00:09:18,872
when you said you had this
whole complicated plantime.
231
00:09:18,927 --> 00:09:19,980
for getting us to the Good Place...
232
00:09:20,005 --> 00:09:21,148
It was a lie.
233
00:09:21,173 --> 00:09:23,274
I assumed if I bought myself some time,
234
00:09:23,308 --> 00:09:24,835
I could figure out a way in.
235
00:09:24,883 --> 00:09:28,185
Guys, I tried a billion different ways.
236
00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:29,499
Not an exaggeration!
237
00:09:29,554 --> 00:09:32,601
I actually tried one billion
and twelve different plans.
238
00:09:32,626 --> 00:09:35,695
But the only way into the Good Place
239
00:09:35,827 --> 00:09:37,999
is by being a good person on Earth.
240
00:09:38,038 --> 00:09:39,339
This is unforgivable.
241
00:09:39,366 --> 00:09:41,167
How many times can you betray us?
242
00:09:41,201 --> 00:09:43,022
I'm sorry. I really am,
243
00:09:43,100 --> 00:09:45,647
because while I was searching
for a way to get in,
244
00:09:45,717 --> 00:09:48,241
I was also taking your ethics classes,
245
00:09:48,275 --> 00:09:50,509
learning why it was bad to lie.
246
00:09:50,544 --> 00:09:53,546
So not only did I fail at
getting us into the Good Place,
247
00:09:53,580 --> 00:09:56,349
I also learned the error of my ways.
248
00:09:56,383 --> 00:09:59,785
Real rock bottom for a demon,
I'll tell you.
249
00:09:59,820 --> 00:10:02,588
But this was not torture.
I was stalling!
250
00:10:02,623 --> 00:10:05,191
So I could keep searching for a way in.
251
00:10:05,225 --> 00:10:06,592
I would've been happy if you were
252
00:10:06,627 --> 00:10:08,361
to live in this neighborhood forever,
253
00:10:08,395 --> 00:10:11,530
but then Shawn came and just
ruined the whole thing.
254
00:10:11,565 --> 00:10:13,933
So what happens now?
255
00:10:13,967 --> 00:10:17,036
Shawn will eventually figure
out you're not at Mindy's,
256
00:10:17,070 --> 00:10:22,541
and he'll realize that someone
on the inside was helping you.
257
00:10:22,576 --> 00:10:25,211
So you'll go to the
real Bad Place forever,
258
00:10:25,245 --> 00:10:27,380
and I will be... be retired.
259
00:10:27,414 --> 00:10:28,881
You're... you're mad at me.
260
00:10:28,915 --> 00:10:32,418
I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed.
261
00:10:32,452 --> 00:10:35,488
Oh, come on.
Everyone knows that's worse.
262
00:10:35,522 --> 00:10:38,391
So this really is the end.
263
00:10:38,425 --> 00:10:39,759
Completely out of options, are we?
264
00:10:39,793 --> 00:10:42,728
Not completely out of options.
265
00:10:42,763 --> 00:10:47,400
We can do what the Shellstrops
have always done
266
00:10:47,434 --> 00:10:49,268
when the chips are down.
267
00:10:49,303 --> 00:10:52,805
Ignore our problems, and drink heavily.
268
00:10:52,839 --> 00:10:54,440
Janet!
269
00:10:54,474 --> 00:10:56,742
A million bottles of
your finest booze, please!
270
00:10:56,777 --> 00:10:58,577
[AL GREEN'S "I WISH
YOU WERE HERE" PLAYING]
271
00:10:58,612 --> 00:11:02,081
- You all right?
- Kind of.
272
00:11:02,115 --> 00:11:05,418
I asked Michael if I could
pop the giant balloon,
273
00:11:05,452 --> 00:11:07,086
and he said no.
274
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:09,188
Then I asked if I could suck
the helium out of it
275
00:11:09,222 --> 00:11:11,824
to make my voice sound funny
so it cheers everyone up,
276
00:11:11,858 --> 00:11:15,928
and he just kind of sighed
and walked away.
277
00:11:15,962 --> 00:11:20,299
So I guess that one
is still on the table.
278
00:11:20,334 --> 00:11:22,768
Are you and me cool?
279
00:11:22,803 --> 00:11:23,803
Not exactly.
280
00:11:23,837 --> 00:11:26,439
I think perhaps given everything,
281
00:11:26,473 --> 00:11:28,507
it's best we end our relationship.
282
00:11:28,542 --> 00:11:31,344
It's probably about time
I stopped relying on others
283
00:11:31,378 --> 00:11:35,114
for my sense of self-worth or happiness.
284
00:11:35,148 --> 00:11:37,350
You know my whole life,
285
00:11:37,384 --> 00:11:39,452
whenever I encountered any obstacles,
286
00:11:39,486 --> 00:11:43,856
I would simply say, "I would
like to speak to a manager."
287
00:11:43,890 --> 00:11:46,525
But in our relationship,
there was no manager.
288
00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:51,964
There was no one who could fix
this for me except for me.
289
00:11:51,998 --> 00:11:54,967
My mom was a manager at a pet store.
290
00:11:55,001 --> 00:11:56,702
Does that help?
291
00:11:56,737 --> 00:11:58,971
No, and please don't launch
into one of your long stories...
292
00:11:59,005 --> 00:12:00,740
- She got fired after I...
- Please, no.
293
00:12:00,774 --> 00:12:02,308
Robbed the pet store where she worked.
294
00:12:02,342 --> 00:12:03,709
- Please, please, Jason.
- We actually
295
00:12:03,744 --> 00:12:05,411
- robbed it together.
- No, no, no.
296
00:12:05,445 --> 00:12:07,546
Long story short, it was all a dream.
297
00:12:07,581 --> 00:12:11,350
Thank you, Jason, for making this moment
298
00:12:11,385 --> 00:12:13,152
a little easier for me.
299
00:12:13,186 --> 00:12:16,021
["SITTING IN LIMBO"
BY JIMMY CLIFF PLAYS]
300
00:12:16,056 --> 00:12:17,590
Dude, he's where I'm at.
301
00:12:17,624 --> 00:12:20,993
- Feelings are stupid.
- Yeah. Who needs 'em?
302
00:12:21,027 --> 00:12:24,830
But, uh, in case feelings aren't stupid,
303
00:12:24,865 --> 00:12:27,032
and in the case that we are
eternally doomed,
304
00:12:27,067 --> 00:12:28,834
I thought it might be worth mentioning
305
00:12:28,869 --> 00:12:31,170
that I do...
306
00:12:31,204 --> 00:12:32,905
Have feelings for you.
307
00:12:32,939 --> 00:12:34,940
And I know you don't feel the same way.
308
00:12:34,975 --> 00:12:40,579
And although that fills me
with anger and confusion...
309
00:12:40,614 --> 00:12:42,848
Wow. Michael was right on the money.
310
00:12:42,883 --> 00:12:47,052
I just wanted you to know the truth.
311
00:12:47,087 --> 00:12:49,688
You are... I mean...
312
00:12:49,723 --> 00:12:51,123
Oh, no. Don't say anything. Don't.
313
00:12:51,158 --> 00:12:53,292
I want to. I want to.
314
00:12:53,326 --> 00:12:55,027
Here's the thing about me.
315
00:12:55,061 --> 00:12:59,598
You know the sound that a fork
makes in the garbage disposal?
316
00:12:59,633 --> 00:13:04,370
That's the sound that my brain
makes all the time.
317
00:13:04,404 --> 00:13:06,205
It's just this constant grinding
318
00:13:06,239 --> 00:13:08,040
about things I'm afraid of
319
00:13:08,074 --> 00:13:11,911
or things that I want or want to want
320
00:13:11,945 --> 00:13:14,213
or want to want to...
321
00:13:14,247 --> 00:13:15,981
Is it grinding in there right now, bud?
322
00:13:16,016 --> 00:13:17,616
Yep, but the point is...
323
00:13:17,651 --> 00:13:19,552
the circumstances under which me met
324
00:13:19,586 --> 00:13:22,488
are completely insane.
325
00:13:22,522 --> 00:13:25,424
And that just makes the grinding harder.
326
00:13:25,459 --> 00:13:27,893
I just wish we met
the way normal people meet.
327
00:13:27,928 --> 00:13:29,795
Like at a philosophy conference,
328
00:13:29,830 --> 00:13:32,264
or after one of my philosophy lectures.
329
00:13:32,299 --> 00:13:34,900
Or you came knocking on my office door
330
00:13:34,935 --> 00:13:36,836
asking for help with philosophy.
331
00:13:36,870 --> 00:13:39,939
Is that how you think people meet?
332
00:13:39,973 --> 00:13:41,640
I don't know how normal people meet.
333
00:13:41,675 --> 00:13:43,976
You're such a nerd.
334
00:13:44,010 --> 00:13:45,311
[CLINKING GLASS]
335
00:13:45,345 --> 00:13:47,146
Attention, everyone.
336
00:13:47,180 --> 00:13:50,483
We may not know exactly
which version of ourselves
337
00:13:50,517 --> 00:13:52,451
was technically our best self,
338
00:13:52,486 --> 00:13:53,752
but you know what?
339
00:13:53,787 --> 00:13:55,488
I like who we are right now.
340
00:13:55,522 --> 00:13:57,623
To this version of us.
341
00:13:57,657 --> 00:13:59,525
To the good people we've all become.
342
00:13:59,559 --> 00:14:02,761
Oh, and to Eleanor,
our unofficial leader.
343
00:14:02,796 --> 00:14:04,530
You pack a lot of heart and grit
344
00:14:04,564 --> 00:14:06,031
into that diminutive frame.
345
00:14:06,066 --> 00:14:08,801
Like a scrappy little auto mechanic.
346
00:14:08,835 --> 00:14:10,669
That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me, babe.
347
00:14:10,704 --> 00:14:12,271
And I'll take it.
348
00:14:12,305 --> 00:14:14,607
- And to Janet, the best robot.
- Not a robot.
349
00:14:14,641 --> 00:14:16,175
- Girl.
- Not a girl.
350
00:14:16,209 --> 00:14:18,110
- And straight up hottie.
- I am attractive, yes.
351
00:14:18,144 --> 00:14:20,379
Any of us could have ever asked for.
352
00:14:20,413 --> 00:14:22,014
Thanks, guys.
353
00:14:22,048 --> 00:14:23,849
Because of the way we were
conceived of and created,
354
00:14:23,884 --> 00:14:26,785
Janets don't typically give speeches.
355
00:14:28,088 --> 00:14:30,289
Oh, she's done.
She's not gonna give a speech.
356
00:14:30,323 --> 00:14:31,357
Okay. Cool.
357
00:14:31,391 --> 00:14:32,625
Ooh! One more toast.
358
00:14:32,659 --> 00:14:33,959
To Michael!
359
00:14:33,994 --> 00:14:35,828
- Michael!
- Whoo-whoo! Hoo-hoo!
360
00:14:35,862 --> 00:14:39,565
Who is easily the best
version of himself.
361
00:14:39,599 --> 00:14:42,334
Granted, the bar was low. He is a demon.
362
00:14:42,369 --> 00:14:45,971
But he made a mistake
and admitted he was wrong,
363
00:14:46,006 --> 00:14:49,308
which makes him better
than 90% of all humans.
364
00:14:49,342 --> 00:14:51,810
And you know what, it wasn't
really Michael's fault.
365
00:14:51,845 --> 00:14:54,380
We weren't getting into
the Good Place anyway.
366
00:14:54,414 --> 00:14:55,814
I mean, look at us.
367
00:14:55,849 --> 00:14:57,716
A self-obsessed socialite,
368
00:14:57,751 --> 00:15:01,487
a ridiculous giraffe,
an absurd British aristocrat,
369
00:15:01,521 --> 00:15:03,589
a narcissistic attention seeker.
370
00:15:03,623 --> 00:15:05,224
- Are these all me?
- Yes.
371
00:15:05,258 --> 00:15:07,593
I was gonna do eight for you,
and one for everyone else.
372
00:15:07,627 --> 00:15:10,195
The point is Michael, we forgive you.
373
00:15:10,230 --> 00:15:13,666
I mean, at least you tried to
find a way to the Good Place.
374
00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:15,834
And that's the greatest thing
someone can do,
375
00:15:15,869 --> 00:15:18,170
just try your best.
376
00:15:18,204 --> 00:15:24,677
So we hereby name you an honorary human.
377
00:15:24,711 --> 00:15:27,379
And we would like to present you
378
00:15:27,414 --> 00:15:30,382
with this human starter kit.
379
00:15:30,417 --> 00:15:32,217
Car keys!
380
00:15:32,252 --> 00:15:34,620
So I could lose them, and say,
"Has anyone seen my car keys?"
381
00:15:34,654 --> 00:15:37,189
I can do that you know
that thing where...
382
00:15:37,223 --> 00:15:38,924
[LAUGHS] Thank you!
383
00:15:38,959 --> 00:15:43,696
And Band-Aids for your stupid,
fragile bodies.
384
00:15:43,730 --> 00:15:45,130
Oh, and look at this.
385
00:15:45,165 --> 00:15:48,200
A stress ball with a dumb
corporate logo.
386
00:15:48,234 --> 00:15:50,235
Oh, I can't wait to keep finding this
387
00:15:50,270 --> 00:15:52,438
and then almost throw it away,
and then think,
388
00:15:52,472 --> 00:15:54,373
"No, I'll use it."
389
00:15:54,407 --> 00:15:55,541
[LAUGHTER]
390
00:15:55,575 --> 00:15:57,776
Oh, guys.
391
00:15:57,811 --> 00:16:01,880
A Dr. Oz diet book because
you're all such suckers.
392
00:16:01,915 --> 00:16:05,818
This is all garbage that
I have no real use for.
393
00:16:05,852 --> 00:16:08,654
That's right.
Welcome to being human, buddy.
394
00:16:08,688 --> 00:16:10,289
To Michael!
395
00:16:10,323 --> 00:16:11,657
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
396
00:16:11,691 --> 00:16:15,561
[LORDE'S "GREEN LIGHT" PLAYS]
397
00:16:15,595 --> 00:16:22,935
♪
398
00:16:26,272 --> 00:16:30,609
[NAT KING COLE'S "UNFORGETTABLE" PLAYS]
399
00:16:30,644 --> 00:16:35,454
♪ Unforgettable ♪
400
00:16:35,782 --> 00:16:41,537
♪ That's what you are ♪
401
00:16:43,123 --> 00:16:45,090
- You don't remember?
- No.
402
00:16:45,125 --> 00:16:47,826
- Of course you don't!
- That's mean!
403
00:16:47,861 --> 00:16:49,595
That was version one!
404
00:16:49,629 --> 00:16:51,630
[LAUGHING]
405
00:16:51,665 --> 00:16:53,298
[SCREEN CHIMES]
406
00:16:53,333 --> 00:16:55,668
Michael, there's a message
coming in from Shawn.
407
00:16:55,702 --> 00:16:58,103
"Finish shutting everything down.
408
00:16:58,138 --> 00:17:01,106
"Sending train first thing tomorrow.
409
00:17:01,141 --> 00:17:05,310
"Humans will be captured
and tortured soup.
410
00:17:05,345 --> 00:17:07,780
"Sorry. Autocorrect. Soon.
411
00:17:07,814 --> 00:17:09,314
"Although weirdly,
412
00:17:09,349 --> 00:17:11,850
"I did just finish turning
someone into soup.
413
00:17:11,885 --> 00:17:14,353
So random. Okay. Bye."
414
00:17:14,387 --> 00:17:16,689
[SCREEN CHIMES]
415
00:17:16,723 --> 00:17:18,791
What do you guys think the Bad Place
416
00:17:18,825 --> 00:17:20,826
is going to be for you?
417
00:17:20,860 --> 00:17:23,062
I'll probably go to a Skrillex concert.
418
00:17:23,096 --> 00:17:26,331
And I'll be waiting for the bass drop,
419
00:17:26,366 --> 00:17:29,134
and it...
420
00:17:29,169 --> 00:17:30,803
it'll never come.
421
00:17:30,837 --> 00:17:33,338
For me it'll be camping.
422
00:17:33,373 --> 00:17:35,874
Like, I'll just always be camping.
423
00:17:35,909 --> 00:17:39,011
I'm pretty good at turning
every place I go
424
00:17:39,045 --> 00:17:40,813
into my personal hell,
425
00:17:40,847 --> 00:17:44,216
so I think they'll have
a lot of options for me.
426
00:17:44,250 --> 00:17:46,985
Mine will obviously be an eternity
427
00:17:47,020 --> 00:17:48,854
spent in the Swiss Alps.
428
00:17:48,888 --> 00:17:50,489
That sounds amazing.
429
00:17:50,523 --> 00:17:53,358
In Autumn. The off-season.
430
00:17:53,393 --> 00:17:56,228
Yeah. Still fine. You'd be fine.
431
00:17:56,262 --> 00:17:57,863
Who are we kidding?
432
00:17:57,897 --> 00:17:59,364
You'll probably be running
the place in like a week.
433
00:17:59,399 --> 00:18:01,600
She'll be like, "Oh, hibbledy-dibbledy,
434
00:18:01,634 --> 00:18:05,003
This simply won't do. I demand
to speak to your manager."
435
00:18:05,038 --> 00:18:07,573
- Again! Again!
- "Your manager."
436
00:18:07,607 --> 00:18:09,608
[LAUGHTER]
437
00:18:09,642 --> 00:18:12,845
Of course! That's it.
438
00:18:12,879 --> 00:18:14,780
We should speak to the manager.
439
00:18:14,814 --> 00:18:19,251
Wait, you said that there was a
judge who decides on disputes
440
00:18:19,285 --> 00:18:21,086
between the Good Place
and the Bad Place, right?
441
00:18:21,121 --> 00:18:24,022
Some sort of head honcho
I could pace in front of
442
00:18:24,057 --> 00:18:25,858
and plead our case to
443
00:18:25,892 --> 00:18:28,861
and maybe even wag a finger
at disapprovingly.
444
00:18:28,895 --> 00:18:31,363
I thought about that.
It's a non-starter.
445
00:18:31,397 --> 00:18:33,265
Judge rarely hears cases.
446
00:18:33,299 --> 00:18:35,934
And the only way to get
to the Judge's office
447
00:18:35,969 --> 00:18:40,539
is through a portal,
and we can never get to that.
448
00:18:40,573 --> 00:18:42,207
Why not?
449
00:18:42,242 --> 00:18:44,476
We'd have to walk through
the actual Bad Place,
450
00:18:44,511 --> 00:18:46,945
in plain sight, without getting caught.
451
00:18:46,980 --> 00:18:49,948
Reach and pass through the portal,
452
00:18:49,983 --> 00:18:52,050
Convince the judge to hear us out,
453
00:18:52,085 --> 00:18:54,920
even though we didn't go
through the proper channels.
454
00:18:54,954 --> 00:19:00,025
And then somehow win
our unwinnable case.
455
00:19:01,528 --> 00:19:03,829
[BURPS] Okay.
456
00:19:03,863 --> 00:19:06,298
Let's do it.
457
00:19:06,332 --> 00:19:07,733
You're serious?
458
00:19:07,767 --> 00:19:10,936
Yeah! What do we have to lose?
459
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:16,575
All I've ever really wanted was to know
460
00:19:16,609 --> 00:19:18,610
what it feels like to be human,
461
00:19:18,645 --> 00:19:22,281
and now we're going to do the
most human thing of all:
462
00:19:22,315 --> 00:19:26,919
attempt something futile with
a ton of unearned confidence
463
00:19:26,953 --> 00:19:29,488
and fail spectacularly!
464
00:19:29,522 --> 00:19:32,825
Get up! Get up! Everyone.
465
00:19:32,859 --> 00:19:34,927
Get rest tonight.
466
00:19:35,075 --> 00:19:37,106
First thing tomorrow,
467
00:19:37,521 --> 00:19:39,497
we're going to the Bad Place.
468
00:19:41,198 --> 00:19:43,432
We had a lot of good times together.
469
00:19:43,466 --> 00:19:44,955
I'll see you in the next life.
470
00:19:44,994 --> 00:19:46,564
Good-bye, clowns.
471
00:19:46,589 --> 00:19:48,759
Goodbye, modernist architecture
472
00:19:48,784 --> 00:19:51,838
that I was too trashy to appreciate.
473
00:19:52,754 --> 00:19:54,112
Good-bye, house.
474
00:19:54,291 --> 00:19:56,056
Good-bye, house.
475
00:19:57,759 --> 00:20:01,195
[ENGINE HISSING]
476
00:20:01,229 --> 00:20:02,414
What up, idiot?
477
00:20:02,453 --> 00:20:05,566
This is the 8:22 express
to Bad Place Headquarters.
478
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:07,401
We'd like to begin the boarding process
479
00:20:07,436 --> 00:20:09,236
with our first-class fat dinks.
480
00:20:09,271 --> 00:20:11,705
And there is no overhead storage,
481
00:20:11,740 --> 00:20:13,541
so if you have any bags,
482
00:20:13,575 --> 00:20:15,876
why don't you just go ahead and
place them up your fat butts?
483
00:20:15,918 --> 00:20:17,328
Sorry about this, Bad Janet.
484
00:20:17,353 --> 00:20:19,554
Sorry about what, you fat dink?
485
00:20:25,334 --> 00:20:27,428
This was your life's work.
486
00:20:27,717 --> 00:20:30,624
Are you okay with leaving
the fake Good Place behind?
487
00:20:30,731 --> 00:20:32,417
As long as I'm with you guys,
488
00:20:32,543 --> 00:20:34,778
I'm always in the fake Good Place.
489
00:20:34,879 --> 00:20:37,504
That doesn't sound as nice
as you think it does.
490
00:20:39,379 --> 00:20:44,589
The real Bad Place was the
friends we made along the way.
491
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:48,183
Nope. Still nonsense. One more try.
492
00:20:48,310 --> 00:20:51,144
In a way, the Good Place
493
00:20:51,339 --> 00:20:54,275
was inside the Bad Place
494
00:20:54,728 --> 00:20:56,181
all along?
495
00:20:56,322 --> 00:20:57,751
You know what? That's technically true.
496
00:20:57,786 --> 00:20:59,728
- I'm gonna give it to you.
- [LAUGHS]
497
00:21:00,305 --> 00:21:02,139
I just made an aphorism.
498
00:21:03,425 --> 00:21:04,792
Hit it, Janet!
499
00:21:05,095 --> 00:21:08,190
Next stop, the actual Bad Place!
500
00:21:10,165 --> 00:21:13,234
[WHIRRING]
501
00:21:15,637 --> 00:21:18,606
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]
502
00:21:23,639 --> 00:21:28,639
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com