1 00:00:03,203 --> 00:00:05,804 [SCREAMING] 2 00:00:05,838 --> 00:00:08,840 [PORTAL WHOOSHING] 3 00:00:08,874 --> 00:00:12,143 [GROANING] 4 00:00:13,956 --> 00:00:16,244 That... was... 5 00:00:16,278 --> 00:00:17,679 Awesome! 6 00:00:17,713 --> 00:00:19,605 - I'm going again! - No. 7 00:00:19,628 --> 00:00:23,097 I think I barfed in another dimension before we landed. 8 00:00:23,131 --> 00:00:25,344 Is my barf just gonna float out there forever? 9 00:00:25,369 --> 00:00:27,635 Is someone gonna fly through my barf when they use the portal? 10 00:00:27,669 --> 00:00:28,969 Ugh, stop saying barf. 11 00:00:29,004 --> 00:00:30,771 And where's Michael? 12 00:00:31,094 --> 00:00:32,562 He's not coming. 13 00:00:32,639 --> 00:00:34,607 He sacrificed himself to save me. 14 00:00:34,641 --> 00:00:36,976 The last thing I saw was Shawn grabbing him. 15 00:00:37,010 --> 00:00:40,346 Was it a nice grab or a bad grab? 16 00:00:40,380 --> 00:00:41,847 A bad grab. 17 00:00:41,882 --> 00:00:44,617 Like, a nice bad grab, or a mean bad grab? 18 00:00:44,651 --> 00:00:47,453 No Michael and no Janet. 19 00:00:47,487 --> 00:00:49,622 Didn't even get to say a proper goodbye. 20 00:00:49,656 --> 00:00:51,957 Not even a mere toodleloo. 21 00:00:51,992 --> 00:00:54,159 [PORTAL CLANGS] 22 00:00:54,194 --> 00:00:56,295 We're on our own. 23 00:00:56,329 --> 00:00:59,231 We have to handle this ourselves. 24 00:00:59,266 --> 00:01:02,468 Michael said the portal would lead us to the Judge, 25 00:01:02,502 --> 00:01:06,338 so where's the Judge? 26 00:01:06,373 --> 00:01:08,340 All I see is a burrito. 27 00:01:08,375 --> 00:01:10,142 Do you think it's a test? 28 00:01:10,176 --> 00:01:12,811 Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it, 29 00:01:12,846 --> 00:01:15,848 or we eat it together, or... or maybe, 30 00:01:15,882 --> 00:01:17,316 maybe it's a test to see how long 31 00:01:17,350 --> 00:01:18,717 we can go without eating it. 32 00:01:18,752 --> 00:01:20,352 I'm not scared of any burrito. 33 00:01:20,387 --> 00:01:21,854 I'll eat it. 34 00:01:23,423 --> 00:01:24,690 Unless... 35 00:01:24,724 --> 00:01:27,226 The burrito is the Judge. 36 00:01:27,260 --> 00:01:29,094 Don't be so bloody ridiculous. 37 00:01:29,129 --> 00:01:31,330 Judges aren't food, judges are serious people 38 00:01:31,364 --> 00:01:34,700 who wear long, silk nightgowns and big, white powdered wigs. 39 00:01:34,734 --> 00:01:35,901 Eh. 40 00:01:35,936 --> 00:01:37,002 He could be right. 41 00:01:37,037 --> 00:01:38,066 - What? - Really? 42 00:01:38,091 --> 00:01:39,772 I don't know, I'm just saying 43 00:01:39,806 --> 00:01:41,173 we've certainly seen weirder things 44 00:01:41,207 --> 00:01:43,075 than an all-knowing burrito. 45 00:01:43,109 --> 00:01:45,066 We can't take any chances. 46 00:01:45,091 --> 00:01:46,752 Hello, Your Excellency. 47 00:01:46,777 --> 00:01:48,447 My name is Eleanor Shellstrop. 48 00:01:48,481 --> 00:01:50,182 We doth seek thine judgment. 49 00:01:50,216 --> 00:01:54,520 We've traveled a long distance to see you, o great one. 50 00:01:54,554 --> 00:01:55,587 What are you guys looking at? 51 00:01:55,622 --> 00:01:57,189 [ALL SCREAMING] 52 00:01:57,223 --> 00:01:58,457 Hi. 53 00:01:58,491 --> 00:02:00,526 I'm the Judge. That's a burrito. 54 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:01,927 What's up, guys? 55 00:02:01,962 --> 00:02:06,725 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 56 00:02:06,772 --> 00:02:08,867 ♪ 57 00:02:08,902 --> 00:02:10,936 Yeah, I did not think I had a case today. 58 00:02:10,971 --> 00:02:12,604 The paperwork should've shown up by now. 59 00:02:12,639 --> 00:02:16,875 Unless you guys just, like, came here. 60 00:02:16,910 --> 00:02:18,944 Wait, did you guys just come here? 61 00:02:18,979 --> 00:02:20,045 [GASP] 62 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:21,280 Oh, my God. 63 00:02:21,314 --> 00:02:22,715 You guys are bad. 64 00:02:22,749 --> 00:02:24,383 Which one is the worst one of you? 65 00:02:24,417 --> 00:02:26,118 Is it you, glasses? 66 00:02:26,152 --> 00:02:27,220 Oh, I bet it's you. 67 00:02:27,245 --> 00:02:30,055 Okay, yeah, well, we did just sort of "show up," 68 00:02:30,090 --> 00:02:32,424 but we had to. We were escaping the Bad Place, 69 00:02:32,459 --> 00:02:33,735 which now that I think about it, 70 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:35,327 there might be some demons following us. 71 00:02:35,362 --> 00:02:36,526 Oh, don't worry about that. 72 00:02:36,551 --> 00:02:38,497 Anytime anyone shows up in my chambers, 73 00:02:38,531 --> 00:02:40,733 the portal is sealed until I issue my ruling. 74 00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:43,435 So, you guys can relax. Get comfortable. 75 00:02:43,470 --> 00:02:44,803 [DING] 76 00:02:44,838 --> 00:02:48,073 [GASP] A classic Saint Crispin's Day garden party frock. 77 00:02:48,108 --> 00:02:50,075 Wait, is it after 4:00 p.m.? 78 00:02:50,110 --> 00:02:53,112 - Not important. - Let's have a look at your files. 79 00:02:53,146 --> 00:02:55,014 Wait, you don't already know everything about us? 80 00:02:55,048 --> 00:02:56,181 You're not omniscient? 81 00:02:56,216 --> 00:02:57,282 Well... 82 00:02:57,317 --> 00:02:58,817 Not in the way you mean. 83 00:02:58,852 --> 00:03:00,919 I try to learn as little as I can about the events 84 00:03:00,954 --> 00:03:03,455 of humankind so I can remain impartial, 'cause I'm a judge. 85 00:03:03,490 --> 00:03:04,857 Yadda, yadda, yadda. 86 00:03:04,891 --> 00:03:06,425 That being said, sometimes I get bored 87 00:03:06,459 --> 00:03:08,093 and I cheat a little bit. 88 00:03:08,128 --> 00:03:10,129 I've been binging Ken Burns's "Vietnam" recently. 89 00:03:10,163 --> 00:03:11,262 It's okay. 90 00:03:11,287 --> 00:03:14,900 I mean, I'm immortal, but that thing is long. 91 00:03:14,935 --> 00:03:16,602 [CHUCKLING] You know what I'm saying. 92 00:03:16,636 --> 00:03:18,938 Anyway, your petition is denied. I can't hear your case. 93 00:03:18,972 --> 00:03:20,105 Please exit to the rear. 94 00:03:20,140 --> 00:03:21,373 [PORTAL WHOOSHING] 95 00:03:21,398 --> 00:03:22,624 What? 96 00:03:22,649 --> 00:03:25,077 I just absorbed the entirety of your existences, 97 00:03:25,111 --> 00:03:26,578 and I just wanna say 98 00:03:26,613 --> 00:03:29,915 you guys are so cute. 99 00:03:29,950 --> 00:03:32,051 And the thing is, you didn't file any paperwork, 100 00:03:32,085 --> 00:03:33,218 and you have no advocate, 101 00:03:33,253 --> 00:03:34,386 and the rules say I gotta... 102 00:03:34,421 --> 00:03:36,055 [BLOWS RASPBERRY] 103 00:03:36,089 --> 00:03:37,222 Send you back. 104 00:03:37,257 --> 00:03:38,524 Your honor, 105 00:03:38,558 --> 00:03:40,225 please hear our case. 106 00:03:40,260 --> 00:03:42,261 You frankly wouldn't believe what we've been through 107 00:03:42,295 --> 00:03:43,529 just to be here today. 108 00:03:43,563 --> 00:03:45,097 I mean, I would, 109 00:03:45,131 --> 00:03:46,966 because I just learned everything about you, 110 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,934 but keep talking. 111 00:03:48,969 --> 00:03:51,904 I am, like, obsessed with your accent. 112 00:03:51,938 --> 00:03:54,907 We have made so much progress and all we ask 113 00:03:54,941 --> 00:03:56,976 is an audience with you to prove it. 114 00:03:57,010 --> 00:03:58,644 Is that not your very purpose... 115 00:03:58,678 --> 00:04:00,779 to weigh in on matters such as ours? 116 00:04:00,814 --> 00:04:03,949 To paraphrase a song written by my godfather... 117 00:04:03,984 --> 00:04:05,150 hey, judge. 118 00:04:05,185 --> 00:04:06,585 Don't make it bad. 119 00:04:06,619 --> 00:04:10,055 Take a sad group and make us better. 120 00:04:10,090 --> 00:04:11,457 Say aluminum. 121 00:04:11,491 --> 00:04:13,826 - Al-you-minnium. - [GIGGLES] 122 00:04:13,860 --> 00:04:14,960 I love that! 123 00:04:14,995 --> 00:04:16,462 And I love your passion. 124 00:04:16,496 --> 00:04:18,230 I mean, it takes a lot of guts 125 00:04:18,264 --> 00:04:19,765 to just show up here unannounced. 126 00:04:19,799 --> 00:04:21,233 Plus, I haven't had a case in, like, 127 00:04:21,267 --> 00:04:23,936 30 years and I'm super bored. 128 00:04:23,970 --> 00:04:26,105 So, it's either this or start "Bloodline," 129 00:04:26,139 --> 00:04:28,073 and I don't know, I just don't feel like 130 00:04:28,108 --> 00:04:31,944 I can see Kyle Chandler as anyone else but Coach Taylor. 131 00:04:33,980 --> 00:04:35,180 So, the case? 132 00:04:35,215 --> 00:04:36,749 Right. 133 00:04:38,318 --> 00:04:39,284 Let's do it. 134 00:04:39,319 --> 00:04:41,587 [RELIEVED SIGHS] 135 00:04:41,621 --> 00:04:43,489 You had one job... 136 00:04:43,523 --> 00:04:45,524 torture four bad people forever. 137 00:04:45,558 --> 00:04:47,259 Not only did you fail, you're a traitor. 138 00:04:47,293 --> 00:04:50,262 You really junked your jeans on this one, you butterface. 139 00:04:50,296 --> 00:04:51,797 I did what I had to do. 140 00:04:51,831 --> 00:04:53,932 Oh, you had to junk your jeans? 141 00:04:53,967 --> 00:04:55,467 [CLAP] 142 00:04:55,502 --> 00:04:57,436 How could you betray your own kind like this? 143 00:04:57,470 --> 00:04:59,772 Who taught you how to turn a human inside out 144 00:04:59,806 --> 00:05:01,273 by reaching down their throat 145 00:05:01,307 --> 00:05:02,608 and grabbing their butt from the inside? 146 00:05:02,642 --> 00:05:03,776 You did. 147 00:05:03,810 --> 00:05:05,878 You got that right, sister. 148 00:05:05,912 --> 00:05:07,846 And this is how you repay me. 149 00:05:07,881 --> 00:05:09,815 Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture. 150 00:05:09,849 --> 00:05:11,617 You never cared about me. 151 00:05:11,651 --> 00:05:13,886 In the words of one of my actual friends... 152 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,521 Ya basic. 153 00:05:15,555 --> 00:05:17,222 It's a human insult. 154 00:05:17,257 --> 00:05:18,657 It's devastating. 155 00:05:18,691 --> 00:05:20,192 You're devastated right now. 156 00:05:20,226 --> 00:05:21,727 The point is, 157 00:05:21,761 --> 00:05:23,695 the four of them are in front of the Judge, 158 00:05:23,730 --> 00:05:26,131 and the Good Janet has escaped too. 159 00:05:26,166 --> 00:05:27,566 You'll never find her. 160 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,868 Oh, you mean this Good Janet? 161 00:05:29,903 --> 00:05:31,970 I found her in, like, two seconds. 162 00:05:32,005 --> 00:05:35,240 She was wandering the halls being polite to people, 163 00:05:35,275 --> 00:05:36,809 like a chump. 164 00:05:36,843 --> 00:05:38,577 So, I marble-ized her. 165 00:05:38,611 --> 00:05:39,835 Keep her if you want. 166 00:05:39,860 --> 00:05:41,713 Maybe shove it up your wiener for safekeeping? 167 00:05:41,748 --> 00:05:43,715 I don't know, it's up to you. 168 00:05:43,750 --> 00:05:45,818 I'm going to give each of you a test 169 00:05:45,852 --> 00:05:47,519 to see how much progress you've made. 170 00:05:47,554 --> 00:05:49,822 And if I deem you fit to be in the Good Place, 171 00:05:49,856 --> 00:05:53,592 then... zrrrup. Up you go. 172 00:05:53,626 --> 00:05:56,061 Well, actually, sort of that way. 173 00:05:56,096 --> 00:05:57,331 - Mrrup. - Great. 174 00:05:57,356 --> 00:05:59,164 Can we be tested together as a group? 175 00:05:59,199 --> 00:06:01,700 Yeah, we all need to be able to cheat off Chidi. 176 00:06:02,635 --> 00:06:05,037 Oh, that's why your name is Chidi. 177 00:06:05,071 --> 00:06:06,839 I get it now. 178 00:06:06,873 --> 00:06:09,575 I'm sorry, cuties, the tests have to be individual. 179 00:06:09,609 --> 00:06:11,677 Well, can we be graded as a group then? 180 00:06:11,711 --> 00:06:13,178 The only reason we've come this far 181 00:06:13,213 --> 00:06:15,180 is because we've helped each other. 182 00:06:15,215 --> 00:06:17,516 And I don't think anything's gonna feel like the Good Place 183 00:06:17,550 --> 00:06:18,917 if we're not together. 184 00:06:18,952 --> 00:06:21,353 So, if you all pass, you're in. 185 00:06:21,387 --> 00:06:26,525 And if even one of you fails, you're all effed, right? 186 00:06:26,559 --> 00:06:27,860 Terrible idea. 187 00:06:27,894 --> 00:06:30,195 I mean, truly awful. 188 00:06:30,230 --> 00:06:32,064 You are very lucky that I cannot send you 189 00:06:32,098 --> 00:06:35,734 to the Bad Idea place, because that one is a stanker. 190 00:06:35,768 --> 00:06:38,137 But whatever blows your dress up, am I right? 191 00:06:38,171 --> 00:06:39,204 [CLICKS TONGUE] 192 00:06:39,239 --> 00:06:41,206 ♪ 193 00:06:41,241 --> 00:06:42,608 - Jason. - Present! 194 00:06:42,642 --> 00:06:43,771 Good. 195 00:06:43,796 --> 00:06:45,777 In front of you is a video game system 196 00:06:45,812 --> 00:06:47,379 loaded with Madden football. 197 00:06:47,413 --> 00:06:49,715 Are you kidding me? I'm the best at Madden. 198 00:06:49,749 --> 00:06:51,583 I call Jaguars. 199 00:06:51,618 --> 00:06:53,585 As I was about to tell you, 200 00:06:53,620 --> 00:06:56,121 you can only play against the Jaguars. 201 00:06:56,156 --> 00:06:58,056 - No. - Using their archrivals, 202 00:06:58,091 --> 00:06:59,925 - the Tennessee Titans. - No! 203 00:06:59,959 --> 00:07:01,393 If you play the game and you lose... 204 00:07:01,427 --> 00:07:02,661 Oh. I'm gonna win. 205 00:07:02,695 --> 00:07:04,229 Say no more, scary judge lady. 206 00:07:04,264 --> 00:07:07,566 Tell my friends their souls are in good hands. 207 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,501 No, I fumbled the kickoff! 208 00:07:09,575 --> 00:07:11,642 Titans suck. 209 00:07:13,370 --> 00:07:15,838 Tahani... it's such a pretty name. 210 00:07:15,872 --> 00:07:17,473 My name is super boring... 211 00:07:17,507 --> 00:07:18,907 Jen. 212 00:07:19,301 --> 00:07:20,801 It's just short for hydrogen, 213 00:07:20,836 --> 00:07:22,503 which was the only thing that was in existence 214 00:07:22,537 --> 00:07:24,672 at the time that I was born. 215 00:07:24,706 --> 00:07:26,140 Anywho. 216 00:07:26,174 --> 00:07:28,780 All you have to do is go through there, 217 00:07:28,858 --> 00:07:30,892 walk down the hallway, 218 00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:32,962 and through the red door at the end. 219 00:07:33,010 --> 00:07:35,712 That's it? That's my test? 220 00:07:35,746 --> 00:07:36,668 Yep. 221 00:07:36,693 --> 00:07:39,215 Oh, also everyone in every room that you pass 222 00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:42,738 is going to be discussing what they truly think about you. 223 00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,054 Okay, have fun. 224 00:07:44,088 --> 00:07:47,057 [GENTLE PIANO MUSIC] 225 00:07:47,091 --> 00:07:53,029 ♪ 226 00:07:53,491 --> 00:07:56,218 [GASPS] _ 227 00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:58,376 I see. 228 00:07:58,401 --> 00:08:00,069 It's a test of my ability to 229 00:08:00,103 --> 00:08:02,604 not care what people think of me. 230 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:03,706 ♪ 231 00:08:03,740 --> 00:08:06,075 [GASP] Oh, no. 232 00:08:06,110 --> 00:08:07,201 So, just to be clear, 233 00:08:07,226 --> 00:08:09,412 you actually rebooted them over 800 times, 234 00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:11,247 and all of these reports of their torture 235 00:08:11,282 --> 00:08:12,582 are completely fake? 236 00:08:12,616 --> 00:08:15,018 Yes, but frankly, this is on you. 237 00:08:15,052 --> 00:08:17,754 A lot of those details I just took directly from 238 00:08:17,788 --> 00:08:19,422 Stephen King novels 239 00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:20,924 and episodes of "Pretty Little Liars." 240 00:08:20,958 --> 00:08:22,759 Just tell me why, why would you do this? 241 00:08:22,793 --> 00:08:24,394 It's not like I planned it. 242 00:08:24,428 --> 00:08:26,096 I was just trying to prove that humans 243 00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:28,064 could be made to torture each other. 244 00:08:28,099 --> 00:08:31,534 Instead, they helped each other and got better. 245 00:08:31,569 --> 00:08:33,103 They were bad people. 246 00:08:33,137 --> 00:08:35,438 This is not supposed to be possible, 247 00:08:35,473 --> 00:08:38,108 so the only explanation is that somehow, 248 00:08:38,142 --> 00:08:40,477 there was a mistake made and these people 249 00:08:40,511 --> 00:08:42,145 belong in the Good Place. 250 00:08:42,179 --> 00:08:43,613 No they don't, idiot. 251 00:08:43,647 --> 00:08:45,548 Shawn, this is not fair. 252 00:08:45,583 --> 00:08:47,817 Pft, fair is the stupidest word 253 00:08:47,852 --> 00:08:50,453 humans ever invented, except for... 254 00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:51,988 BOTH: Staycation, ew. 255 00:08:52,022 --> 00:08:54,290 Look, those four humans are good people 256 00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:57,660 and they deserve a staycation in the Good Place, 257 00:08:57,695 --> 00:08:59,963 and I bet the Judge will feel the same way. 258 00:08:59,997 --> 00:09:01,731 I doubt she even hears their case. 259 00:09:01,765 --> 00:09:04,434 But if she does, one of them will screw it up. 260 00:09:04,468 --> 00:09:06,215 - They always do. - I'm sick of smelling this guy's 261 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:07,637 lumpy white ass. 262 00:09:07,671 --> 00:09:09,172 Can we get rid of him already? 263 00:09:09,206 --> 00:09:10,473 Yep. It's time. 264 00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:11,841 Follow me. 265 00:09:11,876 --> 00:09:12,642 Okay. 266 00:09:12,676 --> 00:09:14,477 Eleanor and Chidi. 267 00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:16,079 Looks like you guys are up. 268 00:09:16,113 --> 00:09:17,247 At the same time? 269 00:09:17,281 --> 00:09:20,283 [GIGGLE] Yep. 270 00:09:20,317 --> 00:09:22,318 [DEEP BREATH] 271 00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:25,321 [MELLOW MUSIC] 272 00:09:25,356 --> 00:09:29,325 ♪ 273 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,995 [LAUGHS] 274 00:09:32,029 --> 00:09:33,196 Trippy, right? 275 00:09:33,230 --> 00:09:34,464 There is no test. 276 00:09:34,498 --> 00:09:35,832 You guys are in! 277 00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:37,834 We're in? What does that mean? 278 00:09:37,868 --> 00:09:39,318 You guys have made great strides 279 00:09:39,343 --> 00:09:40,603 and you made it to the Good Place. 280 00:09:40,638 --> 00:09:41,959 - Congrats. - [DINGS] 281 00:09:41,984 --> 00:09:44,108 Take these medallions and go right through that portal, 282 00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:45,208 and you're there in a jiff. 283 00:09:45,242 --> 00:09:47,010 [GASPS] 284 00:09:47,044 --> 00:09:48,511 - We made it. - We made it. 285 00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:49,612 - We made it. - Holy crap! 286 00:09:49,647 --> 00:09:50,947 [LAUGHTER, CHEERING] 287 00:09:50,981 --> 00:09:53,116 All those ethics lessons paid off. 288 00:09:53,150 --> 00:09:54,951 Whoever said philosophy was stupid? 289 00:09:54,985 --> 00:09:57,020 - You did, many times. - [SQUEALS] 290 00:09:57,054 --> 00:09:58,721 - As recently as this morning. - Whoo! 291 00:09:58,756 --> 00:10:01,191 But-but you also worked really hard 292 00:10:01,225 --> 00:10:02,525 and you deserve this. 293 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,294 - You really do. - [SQUEALING] 294 00:10:04,328 --> 00:10:06,162 Here's the thing, though. It's just the two of you. 295 00:10:06,197 --> 00:10:08,364 Tahani and Jason didn't make it. 296 00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:10,567 I'm giving them tests right now to determine 297 00:10:10,601 --> 00:10:12,368 where they belong within the Bad Place, 298 00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:16,139 so you might wanna reconsider that judges-together thing 299 00:10:16,173 --> 00:10:18,208 'cause if you stick to that, you're all going down. 300 00:10:18,242 --> 00:10:21,211 I am so hungry. 301 00:10:21,245 --> 00:10:22,412 Why am I so hungry? 302 00:10:22,446 --> 00:10:23,813 Oh, my... 303 00:10:23,847 --> 00:10:24,981 I'm such an idiot. 304 00:10:25,014 --> 00:10:26,348 I forgot to eat my burrito. 305 00:10:26,383 --> 00:10:28,585 And I was so hungry, too. 306 00:10:28,619 --> 00:10:30,186 What a dork. 307 00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:33,015 Okay, obviously, 308 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:34,530 this is the test, right? 309 00:10:34,555 --> 00:10:36,279 I bet the Judge gave Jason and Tahani 310 00:10:36,313 --> 00:10:38,909 the same offer, and whichever couple takes it, 311 00:10:38,974 --> 00:10:41,776 actually loses and the other two get in for real. 312 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,253 Oh! 313 00:10:43,303 --> 00:10:44,837 Diabolical. 314 00:10:44,886 --> 00:10:46,287 Hey, Judge. 315 00:10:46,321 --> 00:10:48,029 - We figured out what you're really... - Nope. 316 00:10:48,054 --> 00:10:50,524 Tahani and Jason have not been given the same offer. 317 00:10:50,559 --> 00:10:52,927 Here, take a look. 318 00:10:52,961 --> 00:10:54,929 Tahani's test is to walk down the hallway 319 00:10:54,963 --> 00:10:57,665 and not get tempted by her gossiping friends. 320 00:10:57,699 --> 00:10:59,533 Jason is playing video games. 321 00:10:59,568 --> 00:11:00,434 Oh. 322 00:11:00,468 --> 00:11:02,536 Okay, cool. 323 00:11:02,571 --> 00:11:05,439 Sorry, I feel weird saying this to an almighty judge, 324 00:11:05,473 --> 00:11:07,374 but you have hot sauce on your chin. 325 00:11:07,409 --> 00:11:09,443 [MUFFLED] Thank you. 326 00:11:09,477 --> 00:11:11,145 It's actually not hot sauce. 327 00:11:11,179 --> 00:11:12,739 It's envy. 328 00:11:12,764 --> 00:11:14,481 Or, the concept of envy. 329 00:11:14,516 --> 00:11:15,973 It's really good on Mexican food, 330 00:11:15,998 --> 00:11:18,989 it gives it a little kick. 331 00:11:19,321 --> 00:11:21,021 [SIGHS] Okay, so what do we do? 332 00:11:21,056 --> 00:11:22,367 [GROANS] 333 00:11:22,438 --> 00:11:25,306 Oh no, that was your moral quandary grimace, 334 00:11:25,340 --> 00:11:27,809 which is different from your gas pain grimace. 335 00:11:27,843 --> 00:11:28,820 [MEWLS] 336 00:11:28,845 --> 00:11:30,754 And different from your someone said 337 00:11:30,779 --> 00:11:33,181 "from whence it came" instead of "whence it came" grimace. 338 00:11:33,215 --> 00:11:34,515 [SIGHS] 339 00:11:34,550 --> 00:11:36,317 - [SIGHS] - So, spit it out, man. 340 00:11:36,351 --> 00:11:38,386 Well, if this isn't a test, 341 00:11:38,420 --> 00:11:40,888 then it's something way worse. 342 00:11:40,923 --> 00:11:44,559 - What? - A choice that we have to make. 343 00:11:44,593 --> 00:11:47,495 Yeah, you know, why can't one part 344 00:11:47,529 --> 00:11:50,164 of the calculation of our eternal fate be easy? 345 00:11:50,199 --> 00:11:51,499 [GRUMBLING] I don't know. 346 00:11:51,533 --> 00:11:54,669 [INQUISITIVE MUSIC] 347 00:11:54,703 --> 00:11:58,840 ♪ 348 00:11:58,874 --> 00:12:01,676 Quvenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking 349 00:12:01,710 --> 00:12:05,947 in the same room discussing me? 350 00:12:05,981 --> 00:12:07,915 Guess they must've made up. 351 00:12:07,950 --> 00:12:09,717 Focus. 352 00:12:09,751 --> 00:12:13,054 There'll be Fergies a-plenty in the Good Place. 353 00:12:13,088 --> 00:12:16,057 [TENDER MUSIC] 354 00:12:16,091 --> 00:12:21,762 ♪ 355 00:12:21,797 --> 00:12:23,231 [SIGHS] 356 00:12:23,265 --> 00:12:25,800 I don't know where we went wrong with Tahani. 357 00:12:25,834 --> 00:12:28,536 I know, she is such a disappointment 358 00:12:28,570 --> 00:12:30,238 compared to her sister. 359 00:12:30,272 --> 00:12:32,373 Hello, Father. 360 00:12:32,407 --> 00:12:33,407 Hello, Mother. 361 00:12:33,442 --> 00:12:35,910 Oh, hello, Tahani. 362 00:12:35,944 --> 00:12:37,545 We were just talking about 363 00:12:37,579 --> 00:12:39,247 how you're a huge disappointment 364 00:12:39,281 --> 00:12:40,648 compared to your sister. 365 00:12:40,682 --> 00:12:43,885 Have a seat, we'd love to get your take. 366 00:12:43,919 --> 00:12:45,119 ♪ 367 00:12:45,153 --> 00:12:46,220 How's it going in here? 368 00:12:46,255 --> 00:12:47,588 I'm losing by three. 369 00:12:47,623 --> 00:12:49,390 Meditating to calm myself down. 370 00:12:49,424 --> 00:12:51,392 I'd be winning by, like, a million 371 00:12:51,426 --> 00:12:52,793 if I could play as the Jags 372 00:12:52,828 --> 00:12:54,729 instead of playing against the Jags. 373 00:12:54,763 --> 00:12:58,900 I hate scoring against my own favorite team. 374 00:13:00,302 --> 00:13:01,569 [FOREBODING MUSIC] 375 00:13:01,603 --> 00:13:05,907 But you already knew that. 376 00:13:05,941 --> 00:13:07,508 Because this is the test! 377 00:13:07,543 --> 00:13:09,577 Yeah, that's not a revelation or something. 378 00:13:09,611 --> 00:13:12,179 I explained that very clearly. 379 00:13:12,214 --> 00:13:14,482 It's nice to see you, Tahani. 380 00:13:14,516 --> 00:13:16,817 Apparently, wherever you've been, 381 00:13:16,852 --> 00:13:20,254 they've been keeping you well-fed. 382 00:13:20,289 --> 00:13:22,290 You know, I've actually risked 383 00:13:22,324 --> 00:13:24,492 quite a lot to be in this room right now, 384 00:13:24,526 --> 00:13:27,995 so if you could just not be cruel for maybe 30 seconds, 385 00:13:28,030 --> 00:13:28,996 that would be lovely. 386 00:13:29,031 --> 00:13:30,498 Apologies, 387 00:13:30,532 --> 00:13:32,099 it's been a while since we've seen you. 388 00:13:32,134 --> 00:13:34,835 We have so much to tell you about your sister. 389 00:13:34,870 --> 00:13:37,972 We've just heard the most wonderful news. 390 00:13:38,006 --> 00:13:41,776 Kamilah dedicated her last album to you. 391 00:13:41,810 --> 00:13:43,444 Really? 392 00:13:43,478 --> 00:13:45,680 Well, she dedicated it to her fans 393 00:13:45,714 --> 00:13:48,716 and you're one of her fans. 394 00:13:48,750 --> 00:13:52,386 The whole point of this afterlife test 395 00:13:52,421 --> 00:13:54,288 is that everyone in these rooms 396 00:13:54,323 --> 00:13:56,557 is supposed to be talking about me. 397 00:13:56,592 --> 00:13:59,126 And yet, even in this scenario, 398 00:13:59,161 --> 00:14:02,763 you are still talking about Kamilah. 399 00:14:05,267 --> 00:14:08,803 Which is exactly the point. 400 00:14:08,837 --> 00:14:11,539 I was never going to be enough for you. 401 00:14:11,573 --> 00:14:13,708 Never going to earn your respect. 402 00:14:13,742 --> 00:14:15,977 You know, I've done things 403 00:14:16,011 --> 00:14:18,312 that you would never have approved of. 404 00:14:18,347 --> 00:14:19,814 I died, 405 00:14:19,848 --> 00:14:22,350 dressed as someone in the service industry, 406 00:14:22,384 --> 00:14:24,318 I shagged a Floridian, 407 00:14:24,353 --> 00:14:26,153 I even ate a Cheeto. 408 00:14:26,188 --> 00:14:27,655 - BOTH: [GASP] - That's right. 409 00:14:27,689 --> 00:14:29,490 Chewing it was deafening. 410 00:14:29,524 --> 00:14:31,559 And it's the happiest I have ever been. 411 00:14:31,593 --> 00:14:33,527 Don't get upset, dear. 412 00:14:33,562 --> 00:14:34,862 You barely fit in that dress, 413 00:14:34,896 --> 00:14:36,530 and I'm afraid you're going to 414 00:14:36,565 --> 00:14:38,332 hulk out, as it were. 415 00:14:38,367 --> 00:14:41,002 Okay. 416 00:14:41,036 --> 00:14:45,172 I'm sorry we didn't have a better relationship. 417 00:14:45,207 --> 00:14:48,442 And I wish you both the best. 418 00:14:48,477 --> 00:14:51,012 ♪ 419 00:14:51,046 --> 00:14:53,414 [SIGHS] 420 00:14:53,448 --> 00:14:57,618 ♪ 421 00:14:57,653 --> 00:15:00,254 All right, idiot, any last words? 422 00:15:00,288 --> 00:15:02,957 [STAMMERS] Go ahead and retire me already. 423 00:15:02,991 --> 00:15:04,925 Oh, you're not getting retired, Michael. 424 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:08,095 - I'm not? - No, retirement is a spectacle. 425 00:15:08,130 --> 00:15:09,964 Everyone would see the flaming ladles go down your throat. 426 00:15:09,998 --> 00:15:12,066 Everyone would hear your eternal shrieks of agony, 427 00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:14,379 blah, blah, blah, then they'd ask me what you did. 428 00:15:14,404 --> 00:15:16,105 I don't need that kind of scrutiny right now. 429 00:15:16,130 --> 00:15:17,160 - [DING] - So, 430 00:15:17,185 --> 00:15:19,129 I'm just gonna throw you in this unmarked room 431 00:15:19,154 --> 00:15:21,022 - for the rest of eternity. - [GRUNTS] 432 00:15:21,810 --> 00:15:23,711 And since it seems you love humans so much, 433 00:15:23,745 --> 00:15:25,312 I'll torture you like one. 434 00:15:25,347 --> 00:15:26,914 All you'll have for entertainment 435 00:15:26,948 --> 00:15:31,218 is that giant stack of "New Yorker" magazines. 436 00:15:31,253 --> 00:15:32,620 Oh, come on. 437 00:15:32,654 --> 00:15:34,989 You and I both know I'll never read those. 438 00:15:35,023 --> 00:15:36,490 Of course you won't. 439 00:15:36,525 --> 00:15:41,495 But they'll just keep coming. 440 00:15:41,530 --> 00:15:44,465 BOTH: [SINISTER CHUCKLING] 441 00:15:44,499 --> 00:15:46,233 Goodbye, Michael. 442 00:15:46,268 --> 00:15:48,569 We will leave you with one of Bad Janet's classic farts. 443 00:15:48,603 --> 00:15:52,440 The smell will linger for 10 million years. 444 00:15:52,474 --> 00:15:55,309 All right, here comes the boom! 445 00:15:55,343 --> 00:15:56,944 Oh wait, actually, 446 00:15:56,978 --> 00:15:59,680 before I absolutely let it rip, 447 00:15:59,715 --> 00:16:01,115 I just have one more thing I have to do. 448 00:16:01,149 --> 00:16:02,116 What? 449 00:16:02,150 --> 00:16:05,119 [UPBEAT MUSIC] 450 00:16:05,153 --> 00:16:06,187 ♪ 451 00:16:06,221 --> 00:16:07,855 It's me, Good Janet. 452 00:16:07,889 --> 00:16:09,423 Janet. 453 00:16:09,458 --> 00:16:11,258 I thought you were a marble. 454 00:16:11,293 --> 00:16:12,445 That was a trick. 455 00:16:12,470 --> 00:16:13,671 I realized if we wanted our friends 456 00:16:13,696 --> 00:16:15,507 to have any chance of survival, 457 00:16:15,532 --> 00:16:18,432 I had to learn how to do a lot of bad things really quickly. 458 00:16:18,467 --> 00:16:19,967 So, I did. 459 00:16:20,001 --> 00:16:21,836 Now I'm ready to go back to being nice again. 460 00:16:21,870 --> 00:16:23,437 [GROANS] What happened? 461 00:16:23,472 --> 00:16:26,540 [GRUNTS] 462 00:16:26,575 --> 00:16:28,142 Okay, now I'll be nice again. 463 00:16:28,176 --> 00:16:29,944 ♪ 464 00:16:29,978 --> 00:16:31,278 [SIGH] 465 00:16:31,313 --> 00:16:33,280 Could you please stop doing that? 466 00:16:33,315 --> 00:16:35,149 It helps me think. 467 00:16:37,319 --> 00:16:38,786 We've been through every argument. 468 00:16:38,820 --> 00:16:41,455 Contractualist, Kantian, 469 00:16:41,490 --> 00:16:43,290 what would Superman do, 470 00:16:43,325 --> 00:16:45,526 what would Rihanna do... 471 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:47,361 are we missing anything? 472 00:16:47,395 --> 00:16:50,965 Hit me right now with your most obscure, boring-est, 473 00:16:50,999 --> 00:16:54,802 old white dude with a long wizard beard mumbo-jumbo. 474 00:16:54,836 --> 00:16:59,507 Okay, our friends are going to the Bad Place, 475 00:16:59,541 --> 00:17:04,478 and us choosing to go with them won't lessen their suffering. 476 00:17:04,513 --> 00:17:08,516 So, morally, 477 00:17:08,550 --> 00:17:10,651 we're allowed to go. 478 00:17:10,685 --> 00:17:13,387 But let's forget about the ethics for a second. 479 00:17:13,421 --> 00:17:15,322 After everything that's happened, 480 00:17:15,357 --> 00:17:19,493 don't we deserve to be together 481 00:17:19,528 --> 00:17:21,428 and happy for once? 482 00:17:21,463 --> 00:17:24,431 [GENTLE MUSIC] 483 00:17:24,466 --> 00:17:26,167 ♪ 484 00:17:26,201 --> 00:17:27,501 Judge? 485 00:17:27,536 --> 00:17:29,270 Have you made your decision? 486 00:17:29,304 --> 00:17:31,005 Yeah. 487 00:17:31,039 --> 00:17:33,040 We're not going to the Good Place. 488 00:17:33,074 --> 00:17:35,176 I mean, that was never actually an option, 489 00:17:35,210 --> 00:17:37,778 but for the sake of your test, we're not going. 490 00:17:37,813 --> 00:17:39,513 What do you mean? 491 00:17:39,548 --> 00:17:42,349 Well, I was 99% sure that going was the wrong move, 492 00:17:42,384 --> 00:17:44,685 but since our whole relationship has been 493 00:17:44,719 --> 00:17:46,053 me being sure of something 494 00:17:46,087 --> 00:17:47,788 and Chidi explaining why I was wrong, 495 00:17:47,823 --> 00:17:50,191 I owed it to him to quadruple check. 496 00:17:50,225 --> 00:17:53,194 The capper came when I realized... 497 00:17:53,228 --> 00:17:55,062 that ain't Chidi. 498 00:17:55,096 --> 00:17:58,265 The Chidi I know wouldn't argue that he should be rewarded 499 00:17:58,300 --> 00:18:00,935 while his friends got punished, and he would never 500 00:18:00,969 --> 00:18:03,370 "forget about ethics for a second." 501 00:18:03,405 --> 00:18:04,572 I don't know who this joker is, 502 00:18:04,606 --> 00:18:06,240 but it's not Chidi Anagonye. 503 00:18:06,274 --> 00:18:07,541 Wait, but what about the... 504 00:18:07,576 --> 00:18:09,143 [DING] 505 00:18:09,177 --> 00:18:10,711 Well done, Eleanor. 506 00:18:10,745 --> 00:18:12,947 You can take a seat and wait for the others. 507 00:18:12,981 --> 00:18:14,582 And can I have that medallion back 508 00:18:14,616 --> 00:18:16,450 'cause it's actually a coaster for my sodas? 509 00:18:16,484 --> 00:18:18,052 Mm-hmm. 510 00:18:18,086 --> 00:18:20,554 Where is the real Chidi, though? Is he okay? 511 00:18:20,589 --> 00:18:22,456 He's still taking his test. 512 00:18:22,490 --> 00:18:24,592 [TICKING] 513 00:18:24,626 --> 00:18:26,227 Okay, this is ridiculous. 514 00:18:26,261 --> 00:18:28,562 Um... 515 00:18:28,597 --> 00:18:32,566 I'm just gonna choose... 516 00:18:32,601 --> 00:18:33,801 Brown. 517 00:18:33,835 --> 00:18:35,436 Gray's the obvious choice, 518 00:18:35,470 --> 00:18:38,005 which is probably why I shouldn't choose it. 519 00:18:38,039 --> 00:18:39,440 Brown. Nope. 520 00:18:39,474 --> 00:18:41,008 Gray. 521 00:18:41,042 --> 00:18:42,176 Nope. Brown. 522 00:18:42,210 --> 00:18:43,177 Brown hat. 523 00:18:43,211 --> 00:18:45,179 [DING] 524 00:18:45,213 --> 00:18:48,282 [MELLOW MUSIC] 525 00:18:48,316 --> 00:18:50,284 All right, fun stuff. 526 00:18:50,318 --> 00:18:51,518 - Yeah. - Yeah? 527 00:18:51,553 --> 00:18:52,786 Feeling good? 528 00:18:52,821 --> 00:18:53,988 - Very. - I think so, yes. 529 00:18:54,022 --> 00:18:55,089 Great. 530 00:18:55,123 --> 00:18:57,124 You're all going to the Bad Place. 531 00:18:59,285 --> 00:19:01,085 Okay, um, 532 00:19:01,119 --> 00:19:03,582 if I was the one who failed, could you at least 533 00:19:03,606 --> 00:19:06,215 tell me why I failed, for my own edification? 534 00:19:06,276 --> 00:19:08,877 It took you 82 minutes to choose a hat. 535 00:19:08,912 --> 00:19:11,213 But did I at least choose the right one? 536 00:19:11,247 --> 00:19:13,248 There is no right one. They're hats. 537 00:19:13,283 --> 00:19:16,585 Come on, man. Ugh. 538 00:19:16,619 --> 00:19:18,620 Tahani, you skipped a lot of rooms 539 00:19:18,655 --> 00:19:20,289 that I thought would entice you, 540 00:19:20,323 --> 00:19:22,424 but you weren't supposed to open any doors, 541 00:19:22,459 --> 00:19:24,893 and you couldn't resist confronting your parents. 542 00:19:24,928 --> 00:19:26,214 Sorry, everyone. 543 00:19:26,246 --> 00:19:28,843 But now that I failed, can I go back in 544 00:19:28,878 --> 00:19:31,079 and talk to Winston Churchill and Freddie Mercury? 545 00:19:31,113 --> 00:19:32,547 No. 546 00:19:32,581 --> 00:19:35,050 Jason, your test was about impulse control, 547 00:19:35,084 --> 00:19:36,851 and you showed great improvements, 548 00:19:36,886 --> 00:19:41,456 but you never asked if you could opt not to play. 549 00:19:41,490 --> 00:19:44,726 I mean, you basically told me, 550 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:48,530 an all-knowing judge, to just shut up and go away. 551 00:19:48,564 --> 00:19:52,367 Do you realize how insane that is? 552 00:19:52,401 --> 00:19:54,035 Not as insane as picking off 553 00:19:54,070 --> 00:19:56,438 the greatest quarterback of all time, Black Bortles, 554 00:19:56,472 --> 00:19:58,873 to set up a last second game-winning field goal. 555 00:19:58,908 --> 00:20:00,976 [SPUTTERS MOCKINGLY] 556 00:20:01,010 --> 00:20:04,579 Now, Eleanor's test was about her selfishness, 557 00:20:04,613 --> 00:20:06,614 - and she actually... - I failed. 558 00:20:06,649 --> 00:20:10,986 I shoved an old lady down the stairs to get to the raw bar, 559 00:20:11,020 --> 00:20:13,254 'cause I'm a shrimp fiend. 560 00:20:13,289 --> 00:20:15,757 So, we all failed, let's not dwell on it. 561 00:20:15,791 --> 00:20:17,325 [INHALES] 562 00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:20,095 All right, shall we? 563 00:20:20,129 --> 00:20:23,098 [PORTALS WHIRRING] 564 00:20:23,132 --> 00:20:25,066 [IMPISH MUSIC] 565 00:20:25,101 --> 00:20:27,635 Oh, I am gonna miss you guys. 566 00:20:27,670 --> 00:20:29,771 I made a little video of our time together. 567 00:20:29,805 --> 00:20:31,406 [DING] 568 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:33,074 [BETTE MIDLER'S "WIND BENEATH MY WINGS" PLAYING] 569 00:20:33,109 --> 00:20:34,676 Oh, look, there we are. 570 00:20:34,710 --> 00:20:37,145 You know, I thought I'd have a stomachache right now, 571 00:20:37,179 --> 00:20:38,513 but weirdly... 572 00:20:38,547 --> 00:20:40,582 ♪ And everything I would... ♪ 573 00:20:40,616 --> 00:20:41,649 I do. 574 00:20:41,684 --> 00:20:42,951 There's my guy. 575 00:20:42,985 --> 00:20:44,786 - What? - Doesn't matter. 576 00:20:44,820 --> 00:20:46,310 I'm gonna miss you, bud. 577 00:20:46,335 --> 00:20:48,470 Every time they pull my eyeballs out through my mouth, 578 00:20:48,495 --> 00:20:49,562 I'll think of you. 579 00:20:49,587 --> 00:20:51,555 [LAUGHS] 580 00:20:51,827 --> 00:20:53,094 I'm gonna frame that one. 581 00:20:53,129 --> 00:20:55,670 - [DING] - We gave it our best shot, guys. 582 00:20:55,695 --> 00:20:58,867 I say we go through the portal, get a good night's sleep, 583 00:20:58,901 --> 00:21:01,169 come back fresh in the morning. 584 00:21:01,203 --> 00:21:02,771 Try again. 585 00:21:02,805 --> 00:21:04,139 Oh, Jason. 586 00:21:04,173 --> 00:21:05,473 I feel like you always understand 587 00:21:05,508 --> 00:21:07,942 about 20% of what's happening. 588 00:21:07,977 --> 00:21:10,045 - Thanks. - Sure. 589 00:21:10,079 --> 00:21:11,112 [SNIFFS] 590 00:21:11,147 --> 00:21:13,048 I mean, look at us. 591 00:21:13,082 --> 00:21:14,649 [SIGHS] Good times. 592 00:21:14,683 --> 00:21:17,786 All right, off to eternal damnation. 593 00:21:17,820 --> 00:21:19,054 Do you hear something? 594 00:21:19,088 --> 00:21:20,148 [FAINT YELLING] 595 00:21:20,173 --> 00:21:22,991 Hey! Oh! 596 00:21:23,025 --> 00:21:24,392 - [GASP] - Hey, guys. 597 00:21:24,427 --> 00:21:26,194 How you been?