[SCREAMING]
[PORTAL WHOOSHING]
[GROANING]
That... was...
Awesome!
- I'm going again! - No.
I think I barfed in another dimension before we landed.
Is my barf just gonna float out there forever?
Is someone gonna fly through my barf when they use the portal?
Ugh, stop saying barf.
And where's Michael?
He's not coming.
He sacrificed himself to save me.
The last thing I saw was Shawn grabbing him.
Was it a nice grab or a bad grab?
A bad grab.
Like, a nice bad grab, or a mean bad grab?
No Michael and no Janet.
Didn't even get to say a proper goodbye.
Not even a mere toodleloo.
[PORTAL CLANGS]
We're on our own.
We have to handle this ourselves.
Michael said the portal would lead us to the Judge,
so where's the Judge?
All I see is a burrito.
Do you think it's a test?
Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it,
or we eat it together, or... or maybe,
maybe it's a test to see how long
we can go without eating it.
I'm not scared of any burrito.
I'll eat it.
Unless...
The burrito is the Judge.
Don't be so bloody ridiculous.
Judges aren't food, judges are serious people
who wear long, silk nightgowns and big, white powdered wigs.
Eh.
He could be right.
- What? - Really?
I don't know, I'm just saying
we've certainly seen weirder things
than an all-knowing burrito.
We can't take any chances.
Hello, Your Excellency.
My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.
We doth seek thine judgment.
We've traveled a long distance to see you, o great one.
What are you guys looking at?
[ALL SCREAMING]
Hi.
I'm the Judge. That's a burrito.
What's up, guys?
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
♪
Yeah, I did not think I had a case today.
The paperwork should've shown up by now.
Unless you guys just, like, came here.
Wait, did you guys just come here?
[GASP]
Oh, my God.
You guys are bad.
Which one is the worst one of you?
Is it you, glasses?
Oh, I bet it's you.
Okay, yeah, well, we did just sort of "show up,"
but we had to. We were escaping the Bad Place,
which now that I think about it,
there might be some demons following us.
Oh, don't worry about that.
Anytime anyone shows up in my chambers,
the portal is sealed until I issue my ruling.
So, you guys can relax. Get comfortable.
[DING]
[GASP] A classic Saint Crispin's Day garden party frock.
Wait, is it after 4:00 p.m.?
- Not important. - Let's have a look at your files.
Wait, you don't already know everything about us?
You're not omniscient?
Well...
Not in the way you mean.
I try to learn as little as I can about the events
of humankind so I can remain impartial, 'cause I'm a judge.
Yadda, yadda, yadda.
That being said, sometimes I get bored
and I cheat a little bit.
I've been binging Ken Burns's "Vietnam" recently.
It's okay.
I mean, I'm immortal, but that thing is long.
[CHUCKLING] You know what I'm saying.
Anyway, your petition is denied. I can't hear your case.
Please exit to the rear.
[PORTAL WHOOSHING]
What?
I just absorbed the entirety of your existences,
and I just wanna say
you guys are so cute.
And the thing is, you didn't file any paperwork,
and you have no advocate,
and the rules say I gotta...
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
Send you back.
Your honor,
please hear our case.
You frankly wouldn't believe what we've been through
just to be here today.
I mean, I would,
because I just learned everything about you,
but keep talking.
I am, like, obsessed with your accent.
We have made so much progress and all we ask
is an audience with you to prove it.
Is that not your very purpose...
to weigh in on matters such as ours?
To paraphrase a song written by my godfather...
hey, judge.
Don't make it bad.
Take a sad group and make us better.
Say aluminum.
- Al-you-minnium. - [GIGGLES]
I love that!
And I love your passion.
I mean, it takes a lot of guts
to just show up here unannounced.
Plus, I haven't had a case in, like,
30 years and I'm super bored.
So, it's either this or start "Bloodline,"
and I don't know, I just don't feel like
I can see Kyle Chandler as anyone else but Coach Taylor.
So, the case?
Right.
Let's do it.
[RELIEVED SIGHS]
You had one job...
torture four bad people forever.
Not only did you fail, you're a traitor.
You really junked your jeans on this one, you butterface.
I did what I had to do.
Oh, you had to junk your jeans?
[CLAP]
How could you betray your own kind like this?
Who taught you how to turn a human inside out
by reaching down their throat
and grabbing their butt from the inside?
You did.
You got that right, sister.
And this is how you repay me.
Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture.
You never cared about me.
In the words of one of my actual friends...
Ya basic.
It's a human insult.
It's devastating.
You're devastated right now.
The point is,
the four of them are in front of the Judge,
and the Good Janet has escaped too.
You'll never find her.
Oh, you mean this Good Janet?
I found her in, like, two seconds.
She was wandering the halls being polite to people,
like a chump.
So, I marble-ized her.
Keep her if you want.
Maybe shove it up your wiener for safekeeping?
I don't know, it's up to you.
I'm going to give each of you a test
to see how much progress you've made.
And if I deem you fit to be in the Good Place,
then... zrrrup. Up you go.
Well, actually, sort of that way.
- Mrrup. - Great.
Can we be tested together as a group?
Yeah, we all need to be able to cheat off Chidi.
Oh, that's why your name is Chidi.
I get it now.
I'm sorry, cuties, the tests have to be individual.
Well, can we be graded as a group then?
The only reason we've come this far
is because we've helped each other.
And I don't think anything's gonna feel like the Good Place
if we're not together.
So, if you all pass, you're in.
And if even one of you fails, you're all effed, right?
Terrible idea.
I mean, truly awful.
You are very lucky that I cannot send you
to the Bad Idea place, because that one is a stanker.
But whatever blows your dress up, am I right?
[CLICKS TONGUE]
♪
- Jason. - Present!
Good.
In front of you is a video game system
loaded with Madden football.
Are you kidding me? I'm the best at Madden.
I call Jaguars.
As I was about to tell you,
you can only play against the Jaguars.
- No. - Using their archrivals,
- the Tennessee Titans. - No!
If you play the game and you lose...
Oh. I'm gonna win.
Say no more, scary judge lady.
Tell my friends their souls are in good hands.
No, I fumbled the kickoff!
Titans suck.
Tahani... it's such a pretty name.
My name is super boring...
Jen.
It's just short for hydrogen,
which was the only thing that was in existence
at the time that I was born.
Anywho.
All you have to do is go through there,
walk down the hallway,
and through the red door at the end.
That's it? That's my test?
Yep.
Oh, also everyone in every room that you pass
is going to be discussing what they truly think about you.
Okay, have fun.
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC]
♪
[GASPS] _
I see.
It's a test of my ability to
not care what people think of me.
♪
[GASP] Oh, no.
So, just to be clear,
you actually rebooted them over 800 times,
and all of these reports of their torture
are completely fake?
Yes, but frankly, this is on you.
A lot of those details I just took directly from
Stephen King novels
and episodes of "Pretty Little Liars."
Just tell me why, why would you do this?
It's not like I planned it.
I was just trying to prove that humans
could be made to torture each other.
Instead, they helped each other and got better.
They were bad people.
This is not supposed to be possible,
so the only explanation is that somehow,
there was a mistake made and these people
belong in the Good Place.
No they don't, idiot.
Shawn, this is not fair.
Pft, fair is the stupidest word
humans ever invented, except for...
BOTH: Staycation, ew.
Look, those four humans are good people
and they deserve a staycation in the Good Place,
and I bet the Judge will feel the same way.
I doubt she even hears their case.
But if she does, one of them will screw it up.
- They always do. - I'm sick of smelling this guy's
lumpy white ass.
Can we get rid of him already?
Yep. It's time.
Follow me.
Okay.
Eleanor and Chidi.
Looks like you guys are up.
At the same time?
[GIGGLE] Yep.
[DEEP BREATH]
[MELLOW MUSIC]
♪
[LAUGHS]
Trippy, right?
There is no test.
You guys are in!
We're in? What does that mean?
You guys have made great strides
and you made it to the Good Place.
- Congrats. - [DINGS]
Take these medallions and go right through that portal,
and you're there in a jiff.
[GASPS]
- We made it. - We made it.
- Holy crap!
[LAUGHTER, CHEERING]
All those ethics lessons paid off.
Whoever said philosophy was stupid?
- You did, many times. - [SQUEALS]
- As recently as this morning. - Whoo!
But-but you also worked really hard
and you deserve this.
- You really do. - [SQUEALING]
Here's the thing, though. It's just the two of you.
Tahani and Jason didn't make it.
I'm giving them tests right now to determine
where they belong within the Bad Place,
so you might wanna reconsider that judges-together thing
'cause if you stick to that, you're all going down.
I am so hungry.
Why am I so hungry?
Oh, my...
I'm such an idiot.
I forgot to eat my burrito.
And I was so hungry, too.
What a dork.
Okay, obviously,
this is the test, right?
I bet the Judge gave Jason and Tahani
the same offer, and whichever couple takes it,
actually loses and the other two get in for real.
Oh!
Diabolical.
Hey, Judge.
- We figured out what you're really... - Nope.
Tahani and Jason have not been given the same offer.
Here, take a look.
Tahani's test is to walk down the hallway
and not get tempted by her gossiping friends.
Jason is playing video games.
Oh.
Okay, cool.
Sorry, I feel weird saying this to an almighty judge,
but you have hot sauce on your chin.
[MUFFLED] Thank you.
It's actually not hot sauce.
It's envy.
Or, the concept of envy.
It's really good on Mexican food,
it gives it a little kick.
[SIGHS] Okay, so what do we do?
[GROANS]
Oh no, that was your moral quandary grimace,
which is different from your gas pain grimace.
[MEWLS]
And different from your someone said
"from whence it came" instead of "whence it came" grimace.
[SIGHS]
- [SIGHS] - So, spit it out, man.
Well, if this isn't a test,
then it's something way worse.
- What? - A choice that we have to make.
Yeah, you know, why can't one part
of the calculation of our eternal fate be easy?
[GRUMBLING] I don't know.
[INQUISITIVE MUSIC]
♪
Quvenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking
in the same room discussing me?
Guess they must've made up.
Focus.
There'll be Fergies a-plenty in the Good Place.
[TENDER MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHS]
I don't know where we went wrong with Tahani.
I know, she is such a disappointment
compared to her sister.
Hello, Father.
Hello, Mother.
Oh, hello, Tahani.
We were just talking about
how you're a huge disappointment
compared to your sister.
Have a seat, we'd love to get your take.
♪
How's it going in here?
I'm losing by three.
Meditating to calm myself down.
I'd be winning by, like, a million
if I could play as the Jags
instead of playing against the Jags.
I hate scoring against my own favorite team.
[FOREBODING MUSIC]
But you already knew that.
Because this is the test!
Yeah, that's not a revelation or something.
I explained that very clearly.
It's nice to see you, Tahani.
Apparently, wherever you've been,
they've been keeping you well-fed.
You know, I've actually risked
quite a lot to be in this room right now,
so if you could just not be cruel for maybe 30 seconds,
that would be lovely.
Apologies,
it's been a while since we've seen you.
We have so much to tell you about your sister.
We've just heard the most wonderful news.
Kamilah dedicated her last album to you.
Really?
Well, she dedicated it to her fans
and you're one of her fans.
The whole point of this afterlife test
is that everyone in these rooms
is supposed to be talking about me.
And yet, even in this scenario,
you are still talking about Kamilah.
Which is exactly the point.
I was never going to be enough for you.
Never going to earn your respect.
You know, I've done things
that you would never have approved of.
I died,
dressed as someone in the service industry,
I shagged a Floridian,
I even ate a Cheeto.
- BOTH: [GASP] - That's right.
Chewing it was deafening.
And it's the happiest I have ever been.
Don't get upset, dear.
You barely fit in that dress,
and I'm afraid you're going to
hulk out, as it were.
Okay.
I'm sorry we didn't have a better relationship.
And I wish you both the best.
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
All right, idiot, any last words?
[STAMMERS] Go ahead and retire me already.
Oh, you're not getting retired, Michael.
- I'm not? - No, retirement is a spectacle.
Everyone would see the flaming ladles go down your throat.
Everyone would hear your eternal shrieks of agony,
blah, blah, blah, then they'd ask me what you did.
I don't need that kind of scrutiny right now.
- [DING] - So,
I'm just gonna throw you in this unmarked room
- for the rest of eternity. - [GRUNTS]
And since it seems you love humans so much,
I'll torture you like one.
All you'll have for entertainment
is that giant stack of "New Yorker" magazines.
Oh, come on.
You and I both know I'll never read those.
Of course you won't.
But they'll just keep coming.
BOTH: [SINISTER CHUCKLING]
Goodbye, Michael.
We will leave you with one of Bad Janet's classic farts.
The smell will linger for 10 million years.
All right, here comes the boom!
Oh wait, actually,
before I absolutely let it rip,
I just have one more thing I have to do.
What?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
It's me, Good Janet.
Janet.
I thought you were a marble.
That was a trick.
I realized if we wanted our friends
to have any chance of survival,
I had to learn how to do a lot of bad things really quickly.
So, I did.
Now I'm ready to go back to being nice again.
[GROANS] What happened?
[GRUNTS]
Okay, now I'll be nice again.
♪
[SIGH]
Could you please stop doing that?
It helps me think.
We've been through every argument.
Contractualist, Kantian,
what would Superman do,
what would Rihanna do...
are we missing anything?
Hit me right now with your most obscure, boring-est,
old white dude with a long wizard beard mumbo-jumbo.
Okay, our friends are going to the Bad Place,
and us choosing to go with them won't lessen their suffering.
So, morally,
we're allowed to go.
But let's forget about the ethics for a second.
After everything that's happened,
don't we deserve to be together
and happy for once?
[GENTLE MUSIC]
♪
Judge?
Have you made your decision?
Yeah.
We're not going to the Good Place.
I mean, that was never actually an option,
but for the sake of your test, we're not going.
What do you mean?
Well, I was 99% sure that going was the wrong move,
but since our whole relationship has been
me being sure of something
and Chidi explaining why I was wrong,
I owed it to him to quadruple check.
The capper came when I realized...
that ain't Chidi.
The Chidi I know wouldn't argue that he should be rewarded
while his friends got punished, and he would never
"forget about ethics for a second."
I don't know who this joker is,
but it's not Chidi Anagonye.
Wait, but what about the...
[DING]
Well done, Eleanor.
You can take a seat and wait for the others.
And can I have that medallion back
'cause it's actually a coaster for my sodas?
Mm-hmm.
Where is the real Chidi, though? Is he okay?
He's still taking his test.
[TICKING]
Okay, this is ridiculous.
Um...
I'm just gonna choose...
Brown.
Gray's the obvious choice,
which is probably why I shouldn't choose it.
Brown. Nope.
Gray.
Nope. Brown.
Brown hat.
[DING]
[MELLOW MUSIC]
All right, fun stuff.
- Yeah. - Yeah?
Feeling good?
- Very. - I think so, yes.
Great.
You're all going to the Bad Place.
Okay, um,
if I was the one who failed, could you at least
tell me why I failed, for my own edification?
It took you 82 minutes to choose a hat.
But did I at least choose the right one?
There is no right one. They're hats.
Come on, man. Ugh.
Tahani, you skipped a lot of rooms
that I thought would entice you,
but you weren't supposed to open any doors,
and you couldn't resist confronting your parents.
Sorry, everyone.
But now that I failed, can I go back in
and talk to Winston Churchill and Freddie Mercury?
No.
Jason, your test was about impulse control,
and you showed great improvements,
but you never asked if you could opt not to play.
I mean, you basically told me,
an all-knowing judge, to just shut up and go away.
Do you realize how insane that is?
Not as insane as picking off
the greatest quarterback of all time, Black Bortles,
to set up a last second game-winning field goal.
[SPUTTERS MOCKINGLY]
Now, Eleanor's test was about her selfishness,
- and she actually... - I failed.
I shoved an old lady down the stairs to get to the raw bar,
'cause I'm a shrimp fiend.
So, we all failed, let's not dwell on it.
[INHALES]
All right, shall we?
[PORTALS WHIRRING]
[IMPISH MUSIC]
Oh, I am gonna miss you guys.
I made a little video of our time together.
[DING]
[BETTE MIDLER'S "WIND BENEATH MY WINGS" PLAYING]
Oh, look, there we are.
You know, I thought I'd have a stomachache right now,
but weirdly...
♪ And everything I would... ♪
I do.
There's my guy.
- What? - Doesn't matter.
I'm gonna miss you, bud.
Every time they pull my eyeballs out through my mouth,
I'll think of you.
[LAUGHS]
I'm gonna frame that one.
- [DING] - We gave it our best shot, guys.
I say we go through the portal, get a good night's sleep,
come back fresh in the morning.
Try again.
Oh, Jason.
I feel like you always understand
about 20% of what's happening.
- Thanks. - Sure.
[SNIFFS]
I mean, look at us.
[SIGHS] Good times.
All right, off to eternal damnation.
Do you hear something?
[FAINT YELLING]
Hey! Oh!
- [GASP] - Hey, guys.
How you been?