1
00:00:01,539 --> 00:00:02,992
What the hell is that?
2
00:00:03,064 --> 00:00:04,964
Oh! Hey, guys!
3
00:00:05,007 --> 00:00:06,740
What are you doing down here?
4
00:00:06,782 --> 00:00:08,648
Well, we came to get more champagne,
5
00:00:08,650 --> 00:00:11,351
which is right behind that magic door.
6
00:00:14,104 --> 00:00:15,570
What door?
7
00:00:15,604 --> 00:00:17,103
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on?
8
00:00:17,105 --> 00:00:19,255
Who are you, and why
were you talking about us?
9
00:00:19,257 --> 00:00:21,891
What's the Good Place?
And what are afterlife points?
10
00:00:21,893 --> 00:00:23,730
And who has the most? And is it me?
11
00:00:23,755 --> 00:00:25,195
Wait a second, I know this guy.
12
00:00:25,197 --> 00:00:26,529
You're Zach Pizzazz.
13
00:00:26,531 --> 00:00:28,031
He got me here from Jacksonville.
14
00:00:28,033 --> 00:00:31,859
No, this is the librarian
from the university.
15
00:00:31,884 --> 00:00:33,416
Well, I know him as Gordon Indigo,
16
00:00:33,441 --> 00:00:35,449
a very rude Silicon Valley investor.
17
00:00:35,474 --> 00:00:37,941
All right, guys.
I can explain everything.
18
00:00:37,943 --> 00:00:40,176
Just give me one second, okay?
19
00:00:40,178 --> 00:00:42,105
How do we get out of this?
20
00:00:42,130 --> 00:00:43,496
Well, they heard us explaining
21
00:00:43,567 --> 00:00:44,957
the entire system of the afterlife,
22
00:00:44,982 --> 00:00:46,996
and they saw an inter-dimensional door
23
00:00:47,021 --> 00:00:48,604
open and close, so...
24
00:00:48,770 --> 00:00:50,003
not a ton of wiggle room here.
25
00:00:50,005 --> 00:00:51,371
But you're forgetting
26
00:00:51,373 --> 00:00:54,841
one, crucial piece of information...
27
00:00:54,843 --> 00:00:56,342
Right?
28
00:00:56,344 --> 00:00:59,677
You're forgetting one crucial piece
of information that'll save us.
29
00:00:59,702 --> 00:01:02,048
Yo! Buddy, you have, like, three seconds
30
00:01:02,050 --> 00:01:03,566
to explain this crazy space door,
31
00:01:03,568 --> 00:01:05,535
or Chidi here is gonna beat you up.
32
00:01:05,537 --> 00:01:07,103
Oh, no, I'm... I'm not.
33
00:01:07,105 --> 00:01:10,373
But I would like to know
about the space door.
34
00:01:10,375 --> 00:01:12,976
All right, I don't know
what choice we have.
35
00:01:12,978 --> 00:01:14,544
I'll tell you the truth.
36
00:01:16,281 --> 00:01:18,782
My name is Special Agent Rick Justice,
37
00:01:18,784 --> 00:01:20,617
and this is Lisa Frenchy-Fuqua.
38
00:01:20,619 --> 00:01:22,118
We're with the FBI.
39
00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:25,088
And all of you are in grave danger.
40
00:01:26,958 --> 00:01:28,079
I knew it.
41
00:01:28,104 --> 00:01:33,014
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
42
00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:38,568
Agent Fuqua and I are
paranormal investigators.
43
00:01:38,570 --> 00:01:41,805
We're here to protect you from demons.
44
00:01:41,807 --> 00:01:45,141
No, wait, that's real.
Uh, ghouls, ghouls...
45
00:01:45,143 --> 00:01:46,976
We're here to protect you from ghouls.
46
00:01:46,978 --> 00:01:49,245
Now, I had to appear
in different disguises
47
00:01:49,247 --> 00:01:50,680
to keep tabs on you.
48
00:01:50,682 --> 00:01:54,918
But you are all involved
together in this FBI case.
49
00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:57,687
No, we... we can prove this.
50
00:01:57,689 --> 00:01:59,722
We have detailed files on all of you.
51
00:01:59,724 --> 00:02:01,324
Ask Janet anything.
52
00:02:01,326 --> 00:02:02,358
Who's Janet?
53
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:04,627
Frenchy. Sorry...
54
00:02:04,629 --> 00:02:06,963
Frenchy's nickname is Janet.
55
00:02:06,965 --> 00:02:08,464
I thought her nickname was Frenchy.
56
00:02:08,466 --> 00:02:10,266
It is.
57
00:02:10,268 --> 00:02:12,039
That's why they call her,
58
00:02:12,063 --> 00:02:14,834
- Lisa "Double Nickname" Fuqua.
- Mm-hmm.
59
00:02:14,859 --> 00:02:17,006
Okay. Guys, I used to work at a place
60
00:02:17,008 --> 00:02:19,676
that was raided by the FBI
pretty frequently.
61
00:02:19,678 --> 00:02:21,077
I know a Fed when I see one.
62
00:02:21,079 --> 00:02:24,113
And these two jamokes are not FBI, okay?
63
00:02:24,115 --> 00:02:26,983
Who are you... really?
64
00:02:26,985 --> 00:02:29,886
All right, all right, fine.
Just give me one more second.
65
00:02:29,888 --> 00:02:31,054
One.
66
00:02:31,056 --> 00:02:32,422
- Serious question...
- Yeah.
67
00:02:32,424 --> 00:02:34,224
- Should we kill them?
- What?
68
00:02:34,226 --> 00:02:35,758
It might work!
69
00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:37,493
We kill them, go back through the door,
70
00:02:37,495 --> 00:02:40,163
somehow grab them before
they get to the Bad Place,
71
00:02:40,165 --> 00:02:41,331
and regroup from there.
72
00:02:41,333 --> 00:02:42,398
I could kill them right now.
73
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:43,766
You know, it would be easy.
74
00:02:43,768 --> 00:02:45,602
Their bodies are very poorly made.
75
00:02:45,604 --> 00:02:47,270
They're mostly goo and juice.
76
00:02:47,272 --> 00:02:49,606
You just take the juice out,
and then they're dead.
77
00:02:49,608 --> 00:02:53,026
Michael, they've seen through
the door into the afterlife,
78
00:02:53,028 --> 00:02:55,178
and they heard how it works.
79
00:02:55,180 --> 00:02:57,213
It's over.
80
00:02:58,817 --> 00:02:59,983
Ah.
81
00:03:03,622 --> 00:03:05,421
Fine.
82
00:03:05,423 --> 00:03:08,358
I guess I'll start at the beginning.
83
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:10,593
You all died.
84
00:03:16,501 --> 00:03:18,434
Well, this sucks.
85
00:03:18,436 --> 00:03:20,803
So, to sum up...
86
00:03:20,805 --> 00:03:23,640
there is a heaven and hell.
87
00:03:23,642 --> 00:03:25,108
We've been to hell,
88
00:03:25,110 --> 00:03:27,744
and now, no matter how good we are,
89
00:03:27,746 --> 00:03:31,247
for the rest of our lives,
we're going back to hell?
90
00:03:31,249 --> 00:03:35,018
Again, it's not the classic
Christian hell, but...
91
00:03:35,020 --> 00:03:36,586
that's the gist, yes.
92
00:03:36,588 --> 00:03:38,855
As soon as you learned
about the afterlife,
93
00:03:38,857 --> 00:03:42,792
your motivation
to be good was corrupted.
94
00:03:42,794 --> 00:03:45,094
So you can't earn points anymore.
95
00:03:45,096 --> 00:03:48,881
So sorry for eternally dooming you.
96
00:03:48,906 --> 00:03:50,572
And that's our bad, guys.
97
00:03:50,597 --> 00:03:54,147
So all the attempts you made
to torture us...
98
00:03:54,172 --> 00:03:57,273
we must have been
in the afterlife for 100 years.
99
00:03:57,275 --> 00:03:58,808
Almost 300, actually.
100
00:03:58,810 --> 00:04:00,176
Well, how is it possible
that all these things
101
00:04:00,178 --> 00:04:02,011
happened to us but no time
passed on Earth?
102
00:04:02,013 --> 00:04:04,681
Did you go back in time to save us?
103
00:04:04,683 --> 00:04:06,316
Uh, I didn't have to...
104
00:04:06,318 --> 00:04:08,651
because of Jeremy Bearimy.
105
00:04:09,721 --> 00:04:11,220
Who's Jeremy Bearimy?
106
00:04:11,222 --> 00:04:12,689
Okay.
107
00:04:12,691 --> 00:04:15,525
Things in the afterlife don't happen
108
00:04:15,527 --> 00:04:17,860
while things are happening here,
109
00:04:17,862 --> 00:04:20,179
because while time on Earth moves
110
00:04:20,181 --> 00:04:21,814
in a straight line...
111
00:04:21,816 --> 00:04:25,101
one thing happens,
then the next, then the next...
112
00:04:25,103 --> 00:04:26,636
time in the afterlife
113
00:04:26,638 --> 00:04:29,355
moves in a "Jeremy Bearimy."
114
00:04:29,357 --> 00:04:30,857
What?
115
00:04:30,859 --> 00:04:32,792
In the afterlife, time doubles back
116
00:04:32,794 --> 00:04:36,245
and loops around and ends up
looking something like...
117
00:04:36,247 --> 00:04:38,181
"Jeremy Bearimy."
118
00:04:38,183 --> 00:04:40,817
This is the timeline in the afterlife.
119
00:04:40,819 --> 00:04:43,987
Happens to kind of look like
the name "Jeremy Bearimy"
120
00:04:43,989 --> 00:04:47,056
in cursive English,
so that's what we call it.
121
00:04:47,058 --> 00:04:49,993
Sorry. I'm... my brain is melting.
122
00:04:49,995 --> 00:04:53,363
How can events happen before
123
00:04:53,365 --> 00:04:56,716
the ones that happened... before?
124
00:04:56,718 --> 00:04:58,001
It's just the way it works.
125
00:04:58,003 --> 00:05:00,787
It's... it's Jeremy Bearimy.
126
00:05:00,789 --> 00:05:02,155
I don't know what to tell you.
127
00:05:02,157 --> 00:05:03,990
That's the easiest way to describe it.
128
00:05:03,992 --> 00:05:05,558
Okay, but, um...
129
00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,126
what the hell is this?
130
00:05:07,128 --> 00:05:10,196
The dot over the I...
what the hell is that?
131
00:05:10,198 --> 00:05:13,366
Okay, um, how do
I explain this concisely?
132
00:05:13,368 --> 00:05:16,803
This is Tuesdays...
133
00:05:16,805 --> 00:05:18,338
and also July.
134
00:05:18,340 --> 00:05:20,206
- And sometimes it's never.
- That's true.
135
00:05:20,208 --> 00:05:23,076
Occasionally that moment
on the Bearimy timeline
136
00:05:23,078 --> 00:05:28,214
is the time-moment
when nothing never occurs.
137
00:05:28,216 --> 00:05:31,451
So... you get it.
138
00:05:31,453 --> 00:05:33,753
This broke me!
139
00:05:33,755 --> 00:05:36,022
The dot, over the I,
140
00:05:36,024 --> 00:05:38,191
that broke me. I'm...
141
00:05:38,193 --> 00:05:39,926
I'm done.
142
00:05:39,928 --> 00:05:42,495
You know what? I'm glad
this whole thing happened,
143
00:05:42,497 --> 00:05:44,163
because now I can go back
144
00:05:44,165 --> 00:05:46,566
to living my life the way I used to...
145
00:05:46,568 --> 00:05:47,967
only caring about myself
146
00:05:47,969 --> 00:05:49,769
because being good is pointless.
147
00:05:49,771 --> 00:05:51,337
No, no. Please, Eleanor...
148
00:05:51,339 --> 00:05:52,672
No, thank you. I'm outtie.
149
00:05:52,674 --> 00:05:53,973
See you in hell.
150
00:05:53,975 --> 00:05:55,975
You know what I just realized?
151
00:05:55,977 --> 00:05:58,277
I always say that when leaving a room,
152
00:05:58,279 --> 00:06:00,813
but right now it's accurate.
153
00:06:00,815 --> 00:06:04,717
I will literally see all of you in hell.
154
00:06:04,719 --> 00:06:07,253
- Not if I see you first.
- Let's go, Jason.
155
00:06:07,255 --> 00:06:10,679
No, no... look, look, you guys,
this is not over.
156
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,004
We have to stay together!
157
00:06:12,029 --> 00:06:13,195
Look, we'll figure something out!
158
00:06:13,220 --> 00:06:15,186
Like, just one idea I had...
159
00:06:15,211 --> 00:06:17,111
I could kill all of you.
160
00:06:19,267 --> 00:06:21,053
That's my birthday.
161
00:06:22,655 --> 00:06:24,046
Hey, buddy.
162
00:06:24,071 --> 00:06:27,413
It's my birthday.
One free margarita, please.
163
00:06:27,484 --> 00:06:28,850
Happy birthday!
164
00:06:28,852 --> 00:06:29,866
Can I just see some I.D.?
165
00:06:29,891 --> 00:06:31,593
- No.
- Why not?
166
00:06:31,621 --> 00:06:33,288
Well, because it's not
really my birthday.
167
00:06:33,290 --> 00:06:34,823
I just want a free margarita.
168
00:06:34,825 --> 00:06:36,624
Well, if I just randomly
gave you a free drink,
169
00:06:36,626 --> 00:06:38,533
I'd have to do it for everyone.
170
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:39,898
Pretty soon I'd go out of business.
171
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,633
Then don't do it for everyone.
172
00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:44,369
Just do it for me
because it's my birthday.
173
00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:46,038
Happy birthday.
174
00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:50,475
Jason, I have an idea.
175
00:06:50,477 --> 00:06:52,377
But it's a little risky.
176
00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:54,212
I need you to act as my bodyguard...
177
00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:55,580
like my friend, Kevin Costner,
178
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,282
in that movie
where he was a bodyguard...
179
00:06:57,284 --> 00:06:58,650
"The Bodyguard."
180
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,252
No problem... my cousin once hired me
181
00:07:00,254 --> 00:07:02,587
to do crowd control
for his off-brand SeaWorld.
182
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,790
Well, technically, it was just a bunch
183
00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:06,291
of kiddie pools full of jellyfish,
184
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:09,694
and instead of a killer whale,
they killed a whale.
185
00:07:11,432 --> 00:07:12,764
Excuse me, miss.
186
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:15,300
we'd like to buy one opera, please.
187
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:17,285
Uh, what he means is
188
00:07:17,287 --> 00:07:19,254
I would like to give $2 million
189
00:07:19,256 --> 00:07:20,622
to the Sydney Opera.
190
00:07:20,624 --> 00:07:23,642
Ms. Al-Jamil, this is so generous.
191
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,610
With a donation of that size,
192
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:28,447
we will dedicate
a rehearsal hall in your honor.
193
00:07:28,449 --> 00:07:29,448
Thank you, but, no.
194
00:07:29,450 --> 00:07:30,949
Lovely as it sounds
195
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,518
to add to my collection
of wings and atria,
196
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,454
the gift will be anonymous.
197
00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:38,356
As you wish. I'll draw up the papers.
198
00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:41,493
Why don't you want your name
on the opera house?
199
00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:43,028
I love getting my name on stuff.
200
00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:45,597
In Jacksonville, I got
a flu virus named after me
201
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,032
'cause I kissed a bat on a dare.
202
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:50,035
Well, I was thinking about
why I was sent to hell,
203
00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:52,504
as one is wont to do
when one has recently been told
204
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:54,106
that one had been sent to hell,
205
00:07:54,108 --> 00:07:57,309
and it occurred to me,
I have always been held captive
206
00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:59,478
by my desire for attention.
207
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,513
Now that I know how it all ends,
208
00:08:01,515 --> 00:08:03,815
I just want to be virtuous
for virtue's sake.
209
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,450
That's beautiful.
210
00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:08,487
I got to say, though,
if you want to do more charity,
211
00:08:08,489 --> 00:08:10,705
I know a way that could be a lot of fun.
212
00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:19,047
Hey, you want to talk to God?
213
00:08:19,049 --> 00:08:20,015
"God is dead.
214
00:08:20,017 --> 00:08:22,717
"God remains dead,
and we have killed him.
215
00:08:22,719 --> 00:08:25,353
"Who will wipe this blood off us?
216
00:08:25,355 --> 00:08:27,355
"What festivals of atonement,
217
00:08:27,357 --> 00:08:31,493
what sacred games
shall we have to invent?"
218
00:08:31,495 --> 00:08:33,695
Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882.
219
00:08:33,697 --> 00:08:35,530
I was just trying to sell you
some drugs,
220
00:08:35,532 --> 00:08:37,532
and you made it weird!
221
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:45,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
222
00:08:52,049 --> 00:08:54,549
I've never written a manifesto before.
223
00:08:54,551 --> 00:08:56,218
What are you gonna say?
224
00:08:56,220 --> 00:08:58,887
It will be a complete account
of everything we've learned.
225
00:08:58,889 --> 00:09:01,690
from the beginning
of my neighborhood to right now
226
00:09:01,692 --> 00:09:03,124
and then a recommendation
227
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:05,961
of how we feel the afterlife
could be improved.
228
00:09:05,963 --> 00:09:08,763
When we turn ourselves in,
we'll give it to the judge.
229
00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:11,566
Hopefully she'll read it.
230
00:09:11,568 --> 00:09:13,235
We failed, Janet.
231
00:09:13,237 --> 00:09:16,738
But maybe one day,
someone else will succeed.
232
00:09:16,740 --> 00:09:19,975
Okay. So...
233
00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:22,210
A...
234
00:09:22,212 --> 00:09:28,216
man... i... fes... to.
235
00:09:28,218 --> 00:09:30,252
by...
236
00:09:30,254 --> 00:09:32,287
mi...
237
00:09:32,289 --> 00:09:33,588
Where's the H?
238
00:09:33,590 --> 00:09:34,923
This keyboard doesn't have an H.
239
00:09:34,925 --> 00:09:36,324
- Well...
- Oh, whoa, whoa, wait.
240
00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:37,759
Wait, I see it, I see it!
241
00:09:40,664 --> 00:09:42,097
Look what I did!
242
00:09:42,099 --> 00:09:43,965
- Yeah.
- I wrote, "Micahel"!
243
00:09:43,967 --> 00:09:45,300
Oh, that's...
244
00:09:45,302 --> 00:09:47,168
Okay. Back, back, back, back, back.
245
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:48,937
Maybe you should dictate,
and I should type.
246
00:09:51,441 --> 00:09:52,774
Good call.
247
00:09:52,776 --> 00:09:55,076
Just laying out some early details.
248
00:09:55,078 --> 00:09:57,145
Go ahead and start dictating.
249
00:09:57,147 --> 00:10:00,982
Look, there have to be rules.
Every place has rules.
250
00:10:00,984 --> 00:10:02,684
Ugh, fine. Here are my rules.
251
00:10:02,686 --> 00:10:05,086
Rule number one...
I get to do whatever I want,
252
00:10:05,088 --> 00:10:06,788
and you all just have to deal with it.
253
00:10:06,790 --> 00:10:09,090
Rule two... no more Spider-Man movies.
254
00:10:09,092 --> 00:10:11,293
There's way too many Spider-Man movies!
255
00:10:11,295 --> 00:10:13,795
Too many dorky little twerpy Spider-Men.
256
00:10:13,797 --> 00:10:17,766
Rule three... everyone leave me alone.
257
00:10:17,768 --> 00:10:19,968
So you just take care of yourself.
258
00:10:19,970 --> 00:10:22,263
You don't owe anything to anyone else?
259
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:24,403
If people lived that
way, society would break down.
260
00:10:24,428 --> 00:10:27,208
Yeah, in America, everyone
does whatever they want.
261
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:28,643
Society did break down.
262
00:10:28,645 --> 00:10:30,545
It's terrible, and it's great.
263
00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:32,047
You only look out for number one,
264
00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:33,949
scream at whoever disagrees with you.
265
00:10:33,951 --> 00:10:36,718
There are no bees because they all died,
266
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:37,986
and if you need surgery,
267
00:10:37,988 --> 00:10:39,621
you just beg for money on the Internet.
268
00:10:39,623 --> 00:10:41,022
It's a perfect system.
269
00:10:41,024 --> 00:10:43,758
Now get me another drink.
Tomorrow's my birthday.
270
00:10:45,162 --> 00:10:48,997
Well, well, well... a wallet.
271
00:10:48,999 --> 00:10:52,701
My rules say I get to take the cash out
272
00:10:52,703 --> 00:10:54,202
and keep it, because in my society,
273
00:10:54,204 --> 00:10:56,838
I do whatever I want,
'cause I'm awesome.
274
00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:03,194
Just take it. Take it, Eleanor.
275
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:04,896
Just...
276
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:05,964
Ugh!
277
00:11:06,407 --> 00:11:09,141
All right, this is
the address on the license.
278
00:11:09,166 --> 00:11:10,302
That'll be 58 bucks.
279
00:11:10,304 --> 00:11:12,053
Keep the meter running...
as soon as I'm done here,
280
00:11:12,055 --> 00:11:14,022
I'm gonna head to the airport
and get the hell out
281
00:11:14,024 --> 00:11:16,024
of this trash country, where everyone
282
00:11:16,026 --> 00:11:18,293
is either a criminal or a spider.
283
00:11:19,863 --> 00:11:22,931
Hello, ma'am.
Is there a Fred Booth here?
284
00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:24,933
I found his wallet,
and now I'm doing a nice thing
285
00:11:24,935 --> 00:11:26,768
and returning it because I suck.
286
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:28,269
Sorry, he moved.
287
00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:30,205
I can give you his new address
if you'd like.
288
00:11:30,207 --> 00:11:32,040
Actually, I have some of his mail.
289
00:11:32,042 --> 00:11:34,275
If you're gonna go see him,
could you bring it along?
290
00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:38,246
Of course. I would love
to bring some rando his mail.
291
00:11:38,248 --> 00:11:40,882
Anything else you want me
to schlep over?
292
00:11:40,884 --> 00:11:44,586
Well, this awesome day gets awesomer.
293
00:11:44,588 --> 00:11:48,390
Before the airport, we're
heading to 78 Palmer Street.
294
00:11:48,392 --> 00:11:51,126
Ha! That's right next to
the bar where I picked you up!
295
00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,927
I feel like a bloody boomerang!
296
00:11:52,929 --> 00:11:55,730
Of course you do!
297
00:12:11,313 --> 00:12:13,246
- Uh...
- Hello.
298
00:12:13,248 --> 00:12:15,815
Sir, you, uh, can't shop here
without a shirt.
299
00:12:15,817 --> 00:12:17,117
Oh...
300
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:30,354
Sir, that'll be $880.
301
00:12:30,402 --> 00:12:31,659
Here's my credit card.
302
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:34,284
Why don't you just charge it
and keep it forever?
303
00:12:34,367 --> 00:12:36,834
And also, here's the keys to my car.
304
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,568
Wait. Do you guys have, like, a
"take-a-car, leave-a-car" tray?
305
00:12:39,601 --> 00:12:40,701
No?
306
00:12:40,726 --> 00:12:43,267
Just take it. Just take it.
307
00:12:45,106 --> 00:12:46,472
Excuse me, sir.
308
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,107
Would you like some free money?
309
00:12:48,109 --> 00:12:50,943
Now you can buy fingers for your gloves!
310
00:12:50,945 --> 00:12:53,412
Hello, madam. Are you poor?
311
00:12:53,414 --> 00:12:55,247
Here's $5,000 for a new stroller.
312
00:12:55,249 --> 00:12:56,782
Have a nice day!
313
00:12:56,784 --> 00:12:58,618
You don't have to say
the "are you poor?" part.
314
00:12:58,620 --> 00:12:59,518
Right.
315
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:02,121
- Hello, here's some money.
- Here you go!
316
00:13:02,123 --> 00:13:03,456
- Hello.
- Here you go.
317
00:13:03,458 --> 00:13:06,459
Now you can buy a bigger chin guitar!
318
00:13:06,461 --> 00:13:09,612
This was a truly great plan.
319
00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:10,746
Oh, thanks.
320
00:13:10,748 --> 00:13:14,417
Man, there's so many times
that just this amount of money
321
00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:16,118
would have changed my life.
322
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:17,954
I could have paid my rent.
323
00:13:17,956 --> 00:13:19,805
I could have gone to a real doctor,
324
00:13:19,807 --> 00:13:21,807
instead of pretending I was a big dog
325
00:13:21,809 --> 00:13:23,776
so I could go to the vet.
326
00:13:23,778 --> 00:13:26,796
You know, that gives me an idea...
327
00:13:26,798 --> 00:13:28,831
which I suppose one could argue means
328
00:13:28,833 --> 00:13:31,233
that anything could have given
me an idea.
329
00:13:31,235 --> 00:13:32,935
Come with me!
330
00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:35,304
I'm sorry, Ms. Al-Jamil,
331
00:13:35,306 --> 00:13:36,973
but I just don't feel comfortable
332
00:13:36,975 --> 00:13:38,474
processing this request.
333
00:13:38,476 --> 00:13:40,509
- Why not?
- Well, it just seems a bit...
334
00:13:40,511 --> 00:13:44,413
odd to transfer the totality
of your account...
335
00:13:44,415 --> 00:13:48,851
131 million British pounds
to the account of...
336
00:13:48,853 --> 00:13:50,353
this person...
337
00:13:50,355 --> 00:13:52,488
a man who is so flagrantly ignoring
338
00:13:52,490 --> 00:13:54,657
the "one lollipop per customer" rule.
339
00:13:54,659 --> 00:13:56,993
No, I walked out and back in each time,
340
00:13:56,995 --> 00:13:59,362
so I'm different customers.
341
00:13:59,364 --> 00:14:01,547
We're technically supposed
to shut down the bank
342
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:04,316
if anyone from Florida even walks in.
343
00:14:04,318 --> 00:14:06,352
Look, all my life, this money has been
344
00:14:06,354 --> 00:14:07,853
a weight around my neck...
345
00:14:07,855 --> 00:14:09,522
like the Heart of the Ocean necklace
346
00:14:09,524 --> 00:14:11,457
my friend James Cameron once gave me.
347
00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:13,509
I don't want the money.
My friend Jason does.
348
00:14:13,511 --> 00:14:15,344
I would like to give it to him.
349
00:14:15,346 --> 00:14:17,046
If it's easier, you can just put it on
350
00:14:17,048 --> 00:14:18,514
a Game Stop gift card.
351
00:14:18,516 --> 00:14:20,516
That does not make it easier.
352
00:14:20,518 --> 00:14:23,269
I can't help you. I'm sorry.
353
00:14:25,873 --> 00:14:27,139
G'day
354
00:14:27,141 --> 00:14:28,958
Fred, my name is Eleanor Shellstrop.
355
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:31,460
I have all your crap.
356
00:14:31,462 --> 00:14:33,696
- Thank you.
- And your wallet.
357
00:14:33,698 --> 00:14:37,717
Oh, my goodness! Thank you so much!
358
00:14:37,719 --> 00:14:39,385
It was nothing.
359
00:14:39,387 --> 00:14:40,820
Dude, I didn't take your money.
360
00:14:40,822 --> 00:14:42,588
I would never even think of doing that.
361
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:44,306
No, no, no. I'm not worried about that.
362
00:14:44,308 --> 00:14:47,543
Ah. Here it is.
363
00:14:47,545 --> 00:14:50,079
I started a new job a few months ago,
364
00:14:50,081 --> 00:14:51,714
and I got really nervous.
365
00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:54,383
So my daughter, Carolyn,
drew this for me
366
00:14:54,385 --> 00:14:55,484
to make me feel better.
367
00:14:55,486 --> 00:14:56,819
Ah, it's my good-luck charm.
368
00:14:56,821 --> 00:14:58,888
Every time I'm stressed at work now,
369
00:14:58,890 --> 00:15:00,222
I just have to look at this,
370
00:15:00,224 --> 00:15:02,658
and I feel... safe.
371
00:15:02,660 --> 00:15:05,094
A lot of people wouldn't have
tried so hard
372
00:15:05,096 --> 00:15:06,495
to get this to me.
373
00:15:06,497 --> 00:15:08,731
You are a good person, Eleanor.
374
00:15:08,733 --> 00:15:10,866
I really hope my daughter
turns out like you
375
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:13,202
when she grows up.
376
00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:14,703
Are you all right?
377
00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:16,172
No, you shut up!
378
00:15:16,174 --> 00:15:18,674
Sorry, it's been a weird day.
379
00:15:20,314 --> 00:15:22,453
♪ You put the Peeps in the chili pot ♪
380
00:15:22,478 --> 00:15:23,731
♪ And eat them both up ♪
381
00:15:23,733 --> 00:15:25,951
♪ You put the Peeps in the chili pot ♪
382
00:15:25,976 --> 00:15:27,108
♪ And add the M&Ms ♪
383
00:15:27,133 --> 00:15:29,434
♪ You put the Peeps in the chili pot ♪
384
00:15:29,436 --> 00:15:31,972
♪ And it makes it taste bad ♪
385
00:15:32,043 --> 00:15:34,852
I'm gonna eat all this chili...
386
00:15:34,877 --> 00:15:38,045
and/or die trying.
387
00:15:38,162 --> 00:15:39,328
Anyone want any?
388
00:15:39,330 --> 00:15:41,664
I'm just gonna put it right down here.
389
00:15:41,666 --> 00:15:42,665
Come on.
390
00:15:42,667 --> 00:15:44,166
Dip your paws in my chili.
391
00:15:44,168 --> 00:15:46,168
Scoop your little mittens
right in the stew.
392
00:15:46,170 --> 00:15:49,338
Professor, I can see that
you're going through something,
393
00:15:49,340 --> 00:15:50,773
but exams are next week,
394
00:15:50,775 --> 00:15:53,075
so can you teach us anything?
395
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:55,010
All right, nerd.
396
00:15:55,012 --> 00:15:57,413
You want to learn something?
I'll teach you something.
397
00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:59,748
I'm gonna teach you the meaning of life.
398
00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:01,250
How do you like them apples?
399
00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:05,354
Now, over the last 2,500 years,
400
00:16:05,356 --> 00:16:08,691
Western philosophers
have formed three main theories
401
00:16:08,693 --> 00:16:10,459
on how to live an ethical life.
402
00:16:10,461 --> 00:16:13,162
Now, first off, there's virtue ethics.
403
00:16:13,164 --> 00:16:15,798
Aristotle believed that there were
404
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:18,133
certain virtues of mind and character,
405
00:16:18,135 --> 00:16:19,868
like courage or generosity,
406
00:16:19,870 --> 00:16:21,971
and you should try to develop yourself
407
00:16:21,973 --> 00:16:24,039
in accordance with those virtues.
408
00:16:24,041 --> 00:16:25,774
The gift will be anonymous.
409
00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:27,993
Next, there's consequentialism.
410
00:16:27,995 --> 00:16:30,529
The basis for judgment
about whether something
411
00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:32,047
is right or wrong
412
00:16:32,049 --> 00:16:35,134
stems from the consequences
of that action.
413
00:16:35,136 --> 00:16:37,886
How much utility, or good,
did it accomplish
414
00:16:37,888 --> 00:16:40,155
versus how much pain, or bad.
415
00:16:40,157 --> 00:16:42,474
And finally, there's deontology,
416
00:16:42,476 --> 00:16:45,511
the school of thought
that there are strict rules
417
00:16:45,513 --> 00:16:47,613
and duties that everyone must adhere to
418
00:16:47,615 --> 00:16:49,031
in a functioning society.
419
00:16:49,033 --> 00:16:50,833
Being ethical is simply identifying
420
00:16:50,835 --> 00:16:52,835
and obeying those duties
421
00:16:52,837 --> 00:16:54,570
and following those rules.
422
00:16:54,572 --> 00:16:56,472
But here's the thing,
my little chili babies,
423
00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:59,908
all three of those theories
are hot, stinky cat dookie.
424
00:16:59,910 --> 00:17:01,910
The true meaning of life,
425
00:17:01,912 --> 00:17:06,682
the actual ethical system
that you should all follow
426
00:17:06,684 --> 00:17:07,850
is nihilism.
427
00:17:07,852 --> 00:17:11,186
The world is empty.
428
00:17:11,188 --> 00:17:13,989
There is no point to anything,
429
00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:16,659
and you're just gonna die.
430
00:17:16,661 --> 00:17:18,761
So do whatever.
431
00:17:18,763 --> 00:17:20,429
And now I'm gonna eat
432
00:17:20,431 --> 00:17:22,998
my marshmallow-candy chili in silence,
433
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:27,336
and you all can jump up your own butts.
434
00:17:27,338 --> 00:17:29,872
Is that gonna be on the test?
435
00:17:29,874 --> 00:17:32,107
Yes. And, no.
436
00:17:32,109 --> 00:17:34,410
And you all get As or Fs.
437
00:17:34,412 --> 00:17:35,377
And there is no test.
438
00:17:35,379 --> 00:17:37,830
And you all failed it,
and you all got As.
439
00:17:37,832 --> 00:17:40,749
Who cares? Good-bye.
440
00:17:40,751 --> 00:17:45,217
Good-byyyyye.
441
00:17:49,427 --> 00:17:51,460
Cool lecture.
442
00:17:51,462 --> 00:17:53,128
And cooler shirt.
443
00:17:53,130 --> 00:17:54,563
Feeling all right?
444
00:17:54,565 --> 00:17:56,248
- I feel fine.
- Hmm.
445
00:17:56,250 --> 00:17:57,783
I do have a stomachache.
446
00:17:57,785 --> 00:18:00,786
Why do I always have a stomachache?
447
00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,621
Well, you just ate
50 pounds of chili, bro.
448
00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:04,123
This one's on you.
449
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:06,792
Look, I know the future seems bleak.
450
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:08,360
But I have a plan.
451
00:18:08,362 --> 00:18:10,062
Come with me.
452
00:18:11,966 --> 00:18:14,366
No, ah, ah, leave that chili, weirdo.
453
00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:18,904
A complete account of every single thing
454
00:18:18,906 --> 00:18:20,472
we've done and learned.
455
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:23,108
I added all the data
we've gathered here on Earth
456
00:18:23,110 --> 00:18:24,910
- in chart and in graph form.
- Hmm.
457
00:18:24,912 --> 00:18:26,645
And I added a pretty tasty little recipe
458
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:29,815
for cinnamon rolls made
out of pizza dough.
459
00:18:29,817 --> 00:18:31,550
Ha!
460
00:18:31,552 --> 00:18:35,487
Maybe someone someday
can learn from our mistakes.
461
00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:37,656
And enact real change
462
00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:39,658
in the process of judging people.
463
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:43,328
But for now, Janet, old friend,
464
00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:46,098
we are going to enjoy our time on Earth
465
00:18:46,100 --> 00:18:47,800
before we're retired.
466
00:18:47,802 --> 00:18:49,735
- Hmm.
- So let's get started.
467
00:18:49,737 --> 00:18:51,070
I know it's touristy,
468
00:18:51,072 --> 00:18:53,972
but I'd really like
to visit a LensCrafters.
469
00:18:53,974 --> 00:18:56,075
Ooh, and I'd like to get bangs.
470
00:18:56,077 --> 00:18:58,110
Hey, guys.
471
00:18:58,112 --> 00:19:00,179
It... it's really nice to see you.
472
00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:02,297
Um... is everything okay...
473
00:19:02,299 --> 00:19:04,583
other than, you know, everything?
474
00:19:04,585 --> 00:19:07,302
We've started to accept our fates.
475
00:19:07,304 --> 00:19:10,189
It's all chili under the bridge.
476
00:19:10,191 --> 00:19:12,541
Oh! Good, you're all here!
477
00:19:12,543 --> 00:19:13,675
Big news everyone...
478
00:19:13,677 --> 00:19:14,977
We got...
479
00:19:14,979 --> 00:19:16,378
- Tacos!
- Married!
480
00:19:16,380 --> 00:19:18,380
Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, we got married.
481
00:19:18,382 --> 00:19:22,351
And then after we got married,
we got tacos!
482
00:19:22,353 --> 00:19:26,021
Wow! Wow, that's crazy!
483
00:19:26,023 --> 00:19:27,723
It's strictly platonic, of course.
484
00:19:27,725 --> 00:19:30,058
We only did it
so I could legally give Jason
485
00:19:30,060 --> 00:19:31,527
half my money.
486
00:19:31,529 --> 00:19:33,495
We just popped over
to the British Embassy
487
00:19:33,497 --> 00:19:34,863
and signed the papers.
488
00:19:34,865 --> 00:19:36,965
That's insane, but it's also, like...
489
00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:39,568
the 11th most insane thing
to happen today,
490
00:19:39,570 --> 00:19:41,170
so... who cares?
491
00:19:41,172 --> 00:19:42,571
I need everyone to focus up.
492
00:19:42,573 --> 00:19:45,891
So the four of us...
493
00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:48,894
the six of us, really, are doomed.
494
00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:50,896
Our fates are sealed.
495
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:53,398
But I think we have one move left.
496
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,134
We can try.
497
00:19:55,136 --> 00:19:57,069
Try... what?
498
00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:59,238
Try to do good.
499
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,173
That stupid, little voice in my head
500
00:20:01,175 --> 00:20:02,708
told me to do something good today,
501
00:20:02,710 --> 00:20:05,711
and it was so annoying,
but it also made a dork
502
00:20:05,713 --> 00:20:08,313
and his very untalented
daughter super happy.
503
00:20:08,315 --> 00:20:11,350
Me trying just a little bit
504
00:20:11,352 --> 00:20:12,918
put some good out into the world.
505
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:16,505
The six of us are not getting
into the Good Place.
506
00:20:16,507 --> 00:20:19,858
But there are still people in
this world that we care about,
507
00:20:19,860 --> 00:20:23,762
so I say we try and help them
be good people.
508
00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:26,565
Try and help them get in.
I mean, why not try?
509
00:20:26,567 --> 00:20:28,767
It's better than not trying, right?
510
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:31,103
That's a lovely sentiment, Eleanor.
511
00:20:31,105 --> 00:20:33,622
Let's try. I'm in.
512
00:20:33,624 --> 00:20:34,873
I'm in, too.
513
00:20:34,875 --> 00:20:36,241
I'm gonna remember this day forever
514
00:20:36,243 --> 00:20:37,876
because of your dope speech
515
00:20:37,878 --> 00:20:40,045
and also because
of the great tacos I had
516
00:20:40,047 --> 00:20:41,446
and also because I got married
517
00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:43,081
and I found out I was going to hell
518
00:20:43,083 --> 00:20:44,161
and also I became
a hundred-millionaire...
519
00:20:44,186 --> 00:20:45,286
All right, we get it. We get it.
520
00:20:45,311 --> 00:20:47,111
It goes without saying that we're in.
521
00:20:47,688 --> 00:20:48,954
Let's say it anyway.
522
00:20:48,956 --> 00:20:49,955
- We're in...
- We're...
523
00:20:49,957 --> 00:20:51,123
All right, you go...
524
00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:52,424
- We're in...
- We're in...
525
00:20:52,426 --> 00:20:53,775
We're just so excited!
526
00:20:53,777 --> 00:20:54,910
We're in!
527
00:20:54,912 --> 00:20:56,545
What do you say, bud?
528
00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:58,313
You want to join the Soul Squad?
529
00:20:58,315 --> 00:20:59,948
Try to save some souls?
530
00:20:59,950 --> 00:21:02,651
Yeah. I'm in.
531
00:21:02,653 --> 00:21:06,755
But first, I have
to go to the bathroom forever.
532
00:21:06,757 --> 00:21:08,090
There you are, my love.
533
00:21:08,092 --> 00:21:10,275
I was just on my way to the MRI lab.
534
00:21:10,277 --> 00:21:12,077
I thought I heard your voice.
535
00:21:12,079 --> 00:21:13,662
Ready to go to the airport?
536
00:21:13,664 --> 00:21:15,464
Start our lives together?
537
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:19,160
Go ahead, Tahani, we're rolling.
537
00:21:20,305 --> 00:21:26,679
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