1
00:00:03,900 --> 00:00:06,100
This library's depressing.
2
00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:08,070
All they have in the Poetry section
3
00:00:08,110 --> 00:00:10,140
is Jeff Foxworthy books.
4
00:00:10,170 --> 00:00:12,070
Well, we needed someplace deserted,
5
00:00:12,110 --> 00:00:13,890
and there's no place more deserted than
6
00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:15,850
a public library in Arizona.
7
00:00:15,860 --> 00:00:17,250
Now let's go, man.
8
00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:18,856
We only have a few hours
before we have to
9
00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:20,280
pick the gang up from the airport.
10
00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:22,039
Fire up Janet's memory gizmo.
11
00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:23,740
Flooding your brain with memories
12
00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:25,500
from the afterlife is dangerous.
13
00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:28,440
In one of the reboots, you
and Chidi were in love.
14
00:00:28,490 --> 00:00:30,030
Can't you just take my word for that?
15
00:00:30,060 --> 00:00:31,560
No, dude, I can't.
16
00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:33,419
My screwed-up relationship
with my parents
17
00:00:33,420 --> 00:00:35,800
made me believe I could
never really love anyone.
18
00:00:35,830 --> 00:00:37,470
I need to see it for myself.
19
00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:40,079
Those are my memories. I want them back.
20
00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:42,840
Okay, fine. Have a seat.
21
00:00:42,870 --> 00:00:45,570
Luckily, before we shut
the neighborhood down,
22
00:00:45,610 --> 00:00:49,410
Janet saved a complete
record of all the reboots.
23
00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:50,910
Put those in your ears.
24
00:00:55,390 --> 00:00:56,820
- What's all that for?
- You'll see.
25
00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,690
We're gonna start with a
simple, three-second memory.
26
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,660
Why only three second...
27
00:01:01,690 --> 00:01:03,100
Oh, hi, Eleanor.
28
00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:04,580
Buongiorno, Eleanor.
29
00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:06,660
Morning, Bambadjan. Morning, Vicky.
30
00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:08,930
Ugh. Those two are such forking dweebs.
31
00:01:10,700 --> 00:01:13,840
As I told you, recalling
afterlife memories
32
00:01:13,870 --> 00:01:17,260
here on Earth has some
significant side effects.
33
00:01:17,340 --> 00:01:20,440
You should be back to
normal in about 20 minutes.
34
00:01:25,780 --> 00:01:30,730
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
35
00:01:30,740 --> 00:01:31,959
_
36
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,590
Ah, looking a little better.
37
00:01:33,620 --> 00:01:34,790
The banana must have helped.
38
00:01:34,830 --> 00:01:36,330
Before we go any further, I have one
39
00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:37,630
very important question.
40
00:01:37,660 --> 00:01:39,600
Did I look hot bald?
41
00:01:39,630 --> 00:01:41,676
'Cause I always kind of felt
like I could pull it off.
42
00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:43,600
I have no real ability to gauge
43
00:01:43,630 --> 00:01:45,940
physical attractiveness in humans.
44
00:01:45,970 --> 00:01:48,600
But no, you did not pull it off.
45
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:50,810
Okay, that short clip should have
46
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,280
rewired your brain, like an inoculation.
47
00:01:53,340 --> 00:01:56,980
So now I can show you the
highlights of reboot 119.
48
00:01:57,060 --> 00:01:59,670
I'm skipping all of the
sleeping and chewing.
49
00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:03,370
You guys are always either
sleeping or chewing something.
50
00:02:04,740 --> 00:02:07,370
So, we are moving onto the subject
51
00:02:07,410 --> 00:02:10,040
of free will versus determinism.
52
00:02:10,220 --> 00:02:12,010
We are officially done with Nietzsche.
53
00:02:12,050 --> 00:02:14,560
Aww. I'm gonna miss Nietzsche.
54
00:02:14,780 --> 00:02:15,930
I spent a lot of my life thinking
55
00:02:15,950 --> 00:02:17,520
I was better than everyone else,
56
00:02:17,550 --> 00:02:19,850
and he showed me why I was right.
57
00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:22,340
Give me that reading list.
What do we got?
58
00:02:22,420 --> 00:02:25,420
Ooh, a little Aristotle,
little Descartes,
59
00:02:25,460 --> 00:02:27,390
little Tommy Quine-Quine.
60
00:02:27,430 --> 00:02:28,900
That's what I call Saint Thomas Aquinas.
61
00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:33,280
Two months of philosophy
class, and you're already...
62
00:02:40,910 --> 00:02:42,610
What are you grinning at, weirdo?
63
00:02:45,030 --> 00:02:47,116
Come on, we're gonna be late
for the neighborhood meeting.
64
00:02:47,140 --> 00:02:48,979
I gotta say, it seems
65
00:02:48,980 --> 00:02:51,176
like I was really nailing
that philosophy class.
66
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,040
Can you believe my high school voted me
67
00:02:53,070 --> 00:02:55,340
"Most Likely to Die Young
and Unaccomplished?"
68
00:02:55,370 --> 00:02:57,840
You did die young and unaccomplished.
69
00:02:57,900 --> 00:02:59,040
Fair enough.
70
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:00,840
Put those back in.
71
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:03,910
Ah! My favorite four residents.
72
00:03:03,950 --> 00:03:06,850
Don't tell the others.
73
00:03:06,930 --> 00:03:08,900
Welcome to "Pick a Pet Day."
74
00:03:08,940 --> 00:03:11,070
We have hundreds of beautiful animals
75
00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:12,570
for you to choose from.
76
00:03:12,610 --> 00:03:14,470
And when you do make your choice,
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00:03:14,510 --> 00:03:18,240
your pet will bond to your soul forever.
78
00:03:18,340 --> 00:03:20,020
Fabulous. I haven't had a pet since
79
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:21,530
Barbra Streisand gave me one of her
80
00:03:21,570 --> 00:03:24,100
cloned Siamese cats,
and it killed itself.
81
00:03:24,130 --> 00:03:25,430
- Ah.
- I'm going to look at
82
00:03:25,470 --> 00:03:26,640
the mythical pets, darling.
83
00:03:26,670 --> 00:03:27,870
Catch up when you're ready.
84
00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:29,810
- May I? Yeah?
- Yes.
85
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:32,040
Dude, we can get mythical animals?
86
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:33,410
Maybe I'll get a penguin.
87
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:34,880
Penguins are real.
88
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:36,880
That's the spirit, Eleanor.
89
00:03:36,910 --> 00:03:39,140
They're real to me too.
90
00:03:42,150 --> 00:03:44,050
Ooh!
91
00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:45,390
This one looks just like the one
92
00:03:45,420 --> 00:03:46,990
I had when I was a little kid.
93
00:03:47,100 --> 00:03:49,890
He's so cute!
94
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:53,800
But is... is this one a
little... a little cuter?
95
00:03:53,830 --> 00:03:56,400
I mean, this pup looks friskier.
96
00:03:56,430 --> 00:03:58,730
But this one looks a
little... a little sweeter.
97
00:03:58,770 --> 00:04:00,279
- Maybe...
- Uh-oh.
98
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:03,170
It's Chidi kryptonite, a
choice between any two things.
99
00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:06,960
Settle in, lizard. This
is gonna be a while.
100
00:04:07,510 --> 00:04:10,180
Michael, what's a "Mirror Centaur?"
101
00:04:10,210 --> 00:04:12,520
Ah, a stunning creature,
102
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:16,190
whose human half takes on
the image of its companion.
103
00:04:17,550 --> 00:04:18,620
Greetings.
104
00:04:18,660 --> 00:04:20,620
I am T'Hania,
105
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:22,460
Goddess of Beauty.
106
00:04:22,490 --> 00:04:25,590
Oh my.
107
00:04:25,630 --> 00:04:26,930
I mean, should I take
108
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,500
the cutest puppy, or is that shallow?
109
00:04:28,530 --> 00:04:31,000
And is it even okay to separate them?
110
00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:32,640
Are they brother and sister?
111
00:04:32,670 --> 00:04:34,600
Or... or perhaps, married?
112
00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:35,880
Dude, they're heaven puppies.
113
00:04:35,910 --> 00:04:37,220
I'm sure they're both incredible.
114
00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:38,670
Just choose one.
115
00:04:38,780 --> 00:04:40,640
You're right. The black one.
116
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:41,939
That was my first impulse,
117
00:04:41,940 --> 00:04:43,579
and that is the one I'll take.
118
00:04:43,580 --> 00:04:46,520
I'm so sorry, Chidi. Both
puppies have been taken.
119
00:04:46,550 --> 00:04:48,450
Yeah, I should have seen that coming.
120
00:04:48,490 --> 00:04:51,490
My indecision has once
again cost me happiness,
121
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:53,720
and I will now suffer the consequences.
122
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,780
How many pets have gone unclaimed?
123
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,580
Three. A 16-foot albino python...
124
00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,500
- Mm-mm.
- Something called a "tarantula-squid,"
125
00:05:01,530 --> 00:05:03,340
and this owl.
126
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,530
The Tarantula-squid. Tarantula-squid.
127
00:05:05,570 --> 00:05:07,550
Tarantula-squid. Tarantula-squid.
128
00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:08,740
I'll take the owl.
129
00:05:08,770 --> 00:05:10,260
Check it out.
130
00:05:10,300 --> 00:05:12,070
Janet made him a little cowboy hat.
131
00:05:12,110 --> 00:05:14,740
Isn't that stupid?
132
00:05:14,780 --> 00:05:16,850
- Chidi? Hello?
- Shh.
133
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:19,080
Spencer doesn't like loud voices.
134
00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:21,300
Yeesh. What happened, man?
135
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,990
Well, I was trying to
teach him to play fetch,
136
00:05:24,020 --> 00:05:25,920
like I did with my puppy as a kid,
137
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,820
but instead of retrieving the stick,
138
00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:31,860
he attacked my face with
his razor-sharp talons.
139
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,230
Why don't you just ask
Michael for a dog?
140
00:05:34,260 --> 00:05:35,579
Because it was my mistake
141
00:05:35,580 --> 00:05:37,529
to not pick a puppy fast enough.
142
00:05:37,530 --> 00:05:40,670
I made my bed, and now I'll bleed in it.
143
00:05:40,700 --> 00:05:43,170
Let me do that, dummy. Come here.
144
00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:46,010
What if I talk to Michael for you?
145
00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:47,256
That way you don't have to worry
146
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,330
about feeling ungrateful, or whatever,
147
00:05:49,340 --> 00:05:52,010
and maybe you'll still get a puppy.
148
00:05:52,050 --> 00:05:53,680
- Instead of...
- Ow.
149
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,180
Deep wounds.
150
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:56,690
- You'd do that?
- Of course.
151
00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:57,949
It's the least I can do,
152
00:05:57,950 --> 00:05:59,760
considering everything
you've done for me.
153
00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:04,480
So you get it, right?
154
00:06:04,500 --> 00:06:05,799
- Hey.
- What?
155
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,440
You liked him, he liked you.
156
00:06:07,460 --> 00:06:08,930
You did nice things for each other.
157
00:06:08,970 --> 00:06:10,930
Your lack of parental affection did not
158
00:06:10,970 --> 00:06:13,380
make you numb to love, blah blah blah.
159
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:14,720
"Blah blah blah"?
160
00:06:14,780 --> 00:06:16,710
Why don't you want me to see this?
161
00:06:16,740 --> 00:06:18,710
- What are you hiding?
- Nothing.
162
00:06:18,740 --> 00:06:21,040
It's just, the rest is not interesting.
163
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,350
Yeah, no, you're right.
"Not that interesting."
164
00:06:23,380 --> 00:06:24,910
Just watching myself fall in love
165
00:06:24,950 --> 00:06:26,550
for the first time in fake heaven.
166
00:06:26,580 --> 00:06:27,590
What else is on?
167
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,620
I am going to put this back in my ear,
168
00:06:30,650 --> 00:06:32,059
and you are going to show me
169
00:06:32,060 --> 00:06:33,759
how thoughtful and caring I am,
170
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,440
or I'm gonna rip off your demon head
171
00:06:35,460 --> 00:06:37,990
and shove it up whatever's
where your butt should be.
172
00:06:38,030 --> 00:06:39,080
Roll it.
173
00:06:41,940 --> 00:06:44,799
Oh, a lizard was a
perfect choice, Eleanor.
174
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:47,770
- You both have combination skin.
- Thanks.
175
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:50,240
Hey, this is a weird question to ask.
176
00:06:50,270 --> 00:06:52,296
I'll just throw it out there.
Can I ride your centaur?
177
00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:54,800
I'm afraid T'Hania's quite particular
178
00:06:54,820 --> 00:06:56,510
about whom she allows to ride her.
179
00:06:56,640 --> 00:07:00,310
I tried, and she gave
me a withering stare.
180
00:07:00,350 --> 00:07:02,180
Turns out centaurs are a bit tricky.
181
00:07:02,230 --> 00:07:05,200
You didn't have like a stable
full of horses growing up?
182
00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:07,400
Oh, of course, but they
just pulled our carriages,
183
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:08,960
or performed in our horse ballets.
184
00:07:09,060 --> 00:07:11,210
They weren't so... what's the word?
185
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,000
Judgmental.
186
00:07:13,020 --> 00:07:15,410
With whom can I speak about
acquiring new shoes?
187
00:07:15,450 --> 00:07:17,560
You can't expect me to walk
around in these flats all day,
188
00:07:17,580 --> 00:07:20,120
like some common glue
factory, hobo horse.
189
00:07:20,150 --> 00:07:21,466
Eleanor, you were looking for me?
190
00:07:21,490 --> 00:07:24,440
Uh, yeah, so, Chidi chose an owl,
191
00:07:24,460 --> 00:07:26,790
because he froze up trying to
decide between two puppies.
192
00:07:26,820 --> 00:07:28,760
Is it possible for him to swap?
193
00:07:28,790 --> 00:07:30,860
Of course. This is the Good Place.
194
00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:33,760
But he might want to hold off.
195
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,800
Tonight we're having a
party where everyone
196
00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:38,130
gets to transform into their pets
197
00:07:38,170 --> 00:07:39,620
for a few minutes, as a treat.
198
00:07:39,700 --> 00:07:41,440
Chidi can fly like an owl,
199
00:07:41,470 --> 00:07:44,470
and you can do whatever lizards do.
200
00:07:44,510 --> 00:07:47,860
Tahani, would you host the
party at your mansion?
201
00:07:47,940 --> 00:07:50,020
Of course. I'd love to.
202
00:07:50,850 --> 00:07:52,750
Is that what you're going to wear?
203
00:07:52,860 --> 00:07:54,860
What? N... no. No.
204
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,620
Of course not.
205
00:07:56,650 --> 00:07:59,420
Why? Is it unflattering?
206
00:07:59,460 --> 00:08:01,520
I... I can change.
207
00:08:01,610 --> 00:08:03,880
Guys? I can't find my lizard.
208
00:08:03,910 --> 00:08:06,410
He was just out there,
like one second ago.
209
00:08:06,450 --> 00:08:08,210
No big deal. Janet can find it.
210
00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:09,760
No, I can't risk it.
211
00:08:09,770 --> 00:08:12,850
These pets are supposed to, like,
bond to our souls forever.
212
00:08:12,890 --> 00:08:14,550
If Michael finds out mine ran away,
213
00:08:14,590 --> 00:08:16,690
he could figure out I'm
not the real Eleanor.
214
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:19,020
Just, um, go without me,
215
00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:21,560
and tell people that I'm
hanging out with my lizard,
216
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:24,260
because we are so meshed together,
217
00:08:24,300 --> 00:08:26,200
or, whatever... circle
of life crap like that.
218
00:08:26,230 --> 00:08:27,870
- You sure?
- Yeah.
219
00:08:27,900 --> 00:08:30,180
Go enjoy flying. I'll meet you there.
220
00:08:30,220 --> 00:08:31,260
Come on, Bleek.
221
00:08:32,610 --> 00:08:33,940
Lizard?
222
00:08:33,970 --> 00:08:35,280
Lizard?
223
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,380
Where the fork are you?
224
00:08:37,410 --> 00:08:38,880
Lizard!
225
00:08:38,910 --> 00:08:42,550
Ugh! Why didn't I name you?
226
00:08:42,580 --> 00:08:43,850
Hey.
227
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:46,220
- Why?
- Oh! Oh, no!
228
00:08:46,250 --> 00:08:47,420
Chidi!
229
00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:49,420
Sorry I shoved you, man.
230
00:08:49,460 --> 00:08:52,020
I've just been a little jumpy.
231
00:08:52,060 --> 00:08:53,940
Hey, you didn't happen to
see my lizard in the lake,
232
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,436
when you were thrashing
around down there?
233
00:08:55,460 --> 00:08:58,460
No. It was cold and dark and scary.
234
00:08:58,500 --> 00:09:01,040
But don't worry, we'll find him.
235
00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:04,640
Michael and Janet are busy
transforming people, anyway,
236
00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:06,570
so they didn't even
notice you weren't there.
237
00:09:06,610 --> 00:09:08,940
Holy crap, you're supposed
to be flying right now.
238
00:09:09,060 --> 00:09:10,580
It's no big deal, I just decided
239
00:09:10,610 --> 00:09:13,610
I'd rather be helping you.
240
00:09:13,650 --> 00:09:16,750
Than soaring through
the air like an owl?
241
00:09:16,780 --> 00:09:18,260
That's amazing.
242
00:09:19,420 --> 00:09:20,920
You're amazing.
243
00:09:24,090 --> 00:09:27,180
After that, you spent
all your time together.
244
00:09:27,290 --> 00:09:29,079
You studied philosophy together.
245
00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:32,400
You even got Chidi hooked
on popcorn shrimp.
246
00:09:32,430 --> 00:09:33,570
Eventually, you became
247
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,330
suspicious of me, and escaped
248
00:09:35,370 --> 00:09:37,840
to Mindy St. Claire's house on a train.
249
00:09:37,870 --> 00:09:39,810
That was the first time you actually
250
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,260
said it out loud.
251
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,080
I love you.
252
00:09:43,110 --> 00:09:45,680
And you don't need to respond, 'cause
253
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:47,510
I know you have trouble
saying how you feel...
254
00:09:47,550 --> 00:09:49,320
I love you too.
255
00:09:52,990 --> 00:09:54,450
That's the story.
256
00:09:54,490 --> 00:09:56,960
You're capable of human love. Congrats.
257
00:09:56,990 --> 00:09:59,530
- Can we go now?
- How did it end?
258
00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:02,290
Like it always did,
with me rebooting you.
259
00:10:02,330 --> 00:10:03,660
There's... there's no need to...
260
00:10:03,700 --> 00:10:05,000
Show me, please.
261
00:10:06,670 --> 00:10:08,470
All right. Let's get this over with.
262
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:11,540
- So, listen guys...
- No, you... listen.
263
00:10:11,570 --> 00:10:13,540
We just went to Mindy St. Claire's,
264
00:10:13,570 --> 00:10:15,370
and when she wasn't trying to
265
00:10:15,410 --> 00:10:17,110
trick us into having a threesome,
266
00:10:17,140 --> 00:10:19,480
she filled us in on everything
that you've been up to here.
267
00:10:19,490 --> 00:10:20,500
Oh, yeah?
268
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,060
We know this is, like,
the hundredth time
269
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,100
you've tried to torture us,
270
00:10:23,110 --> 00:10:24,720
but this time it's different,
271
00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:27,700
because... we're in love.
272
00:10:28,050 --> 00:10:31,199
And love is stronger than
anything you can throw at us.
273
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:32,700
No, it's not.
274
00:10:32,890 --> 00:10:35,490
Love is stronger than
anything I can throw at you?
275
00:10:35,530 --> 00:10:37,240
I could throw an elephant at you.
276
00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:38,380
You think a thrown elephant
277
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,030
wouldn't crush you because of love?
278
00:10:40,070 --> 00:10:42,000
She was speaking metaphorically.
279
00:10:42,140 --> 00:10:43,900
Even metaphorically, it's lame.
280
00:10:43,940 --> 00:10:44,950
It's okay.
281
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,510
No matter what he does,
282
00:10:46,540 --> 00:10:48,240
we will find each other,
283
00:10:48,260 --> 00:10:50,379
and we will help each other,
284
00:10:50,380 --> 00:10:52,380
because we're soul mates.
285
00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:58,160
There's no such thing as
soul mates, you dingus.
286
00:10:58,590 --> 00:11:00,390
I made it up.
287
00:11:00,420 --> 00:11:03,060
I put clowns in your house
because you hate them.
288
00:11:03,090 --> 00:11:04,860
I forced you to choose the lizard,
289
00:11:04,890 --> 00:11:07,660
and then I made that lizard run away.
290
00:11:07,690 --> 00:11:09,660
I made it all up!
291
00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:11,530
Don't you understand that?
292
00:11:11,570 --> 00:11:12,670
This...
293
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,540
That's why I didn't want to
give you your memories back.
294
00:11:16,570 --> 00:11:19,060
I didn't want you to see
how cruel I used to be.
295
00:11:19,710 --> 00:11:22,110
Plus, I wore a lot of French
cuff shirts back then.
296
00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:23,710
I thought it made me look classy.
297
00:11:23,740 --> 00:11:25,680
It's... it's... it's all embarrassing.
298
00:11:25,710 --> 00:11:27,780
But I'm different now, I promise.
299
00:11:27,810 --> 00:11:30,320
I'll swear on a Bible
like you humans do.
300
00:11:30,340 --> 00:11:31,540
I could grab one right now.
301
00:11:31,550 --> 00:11:33,860
It's the only book they
have in the Sex Ed section.
302
00:11:33,890 --> 00:11:35,400
I'm not mad at you.
303
00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:37,960
I can't be mad at a
demon for being evil.
304
00:11:37,990 --> 00:11:39,790
I'm just sad,
305
00:11:39,830 --> 00:11:44,960
because I thought for a
second I could love someone.
306
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,730
But really, it was just
you manipulating me
307
00:11:47,770 --> 00:11:50,470
into thinking I loved someone.
308
00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:52,070
So, I guess I was right.
309
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,940
I'm incapable of love.
310
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,260
Eh, that's no biggie. Do
you wanna get burgers?
311
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:04,240
Hang on, how did you
draw that conclusion?
312
00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:07,320
You just watched yourself
fall in love with Chidi.
313
00:12:07,340 --> 00:12:08,540
No, I didn't,
314
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:11,280
I watched a puppeteer
pull a bunch of strings
315
00:12:11,290 --> 00:12:13,350
to make us think we were in love.
316
00:12:13,390 --> 00:12:15,680
You said it yourself,
you made it all up.
317
00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:16,740
Okay, yes.
318
00:12:16,780 --> 00:12:19,260
I put you and Chidi in close proximity,
319
00:12:19,290 --> 00:12:21,860
because I needed you to
drive each other crazy.
320
00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:24,870
But I never intended for
you to fall in love.
321
00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:26,159
Once you made us bond,
322
00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:27,539
the romance was inevitable.
323
00:12:27,540 --> 00:12:29,800
It's a basic reality show playbook.
324
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:31,770
Put a bunch of attractive young people
325
00:12:31,810 --> 00:12:34,040
in stressful situations,
so they act like idiots
326
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:35,220
and have sex with each other.
327
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:38,180
This is all just determinism.
328
00:12:38,210 --> 00:12:39,480
What?
329
00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:41,210
"Determinism is the theory that
330
00:12:41,250 --> 00:12:43,700
"we have no control
over our own actions.
331
00:12:43,780 --> 00:12:46,520
"Everything we do happens
because of some external force,
332
00:12:46,550 --> 00:12:48,890
which exists outside of our control."
333
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:51,120
I didn't choose to fall
in love with Chidi,
334
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:53,060
because some all-knowing demon, you,
335
00:12:53,090 --> 00:12:54,659
brought us together and
scripted our lives.
336
00:12:54,660 --> 00:12:55,840
That's ridiculous.
337
00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:58,300
I didn't make you kiss
Chidi by that lake.
338
00:12:58,320 --> 00:12:59,760
You kind of did.
339
00:12:59,770 --> 00:13:01,970
You orchestrated the
whole "pet day" thing,
340
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,500
manipulated us into
choosing specific animals,
341
00:13:04,540 --> 00:13:05,820
made my lizard run away,
342
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,840
which led to Chidi coming
to help me find it,
343
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:10,510
which led to us kissing, which
led to us falling in love.
344
00:13:10,550 --> 00:13:12,210
None of that was my choice.
345
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:15,770
Everything in my life
has been determined by
346
00:13:15,780 --> 00:13:18,560
my upbringing, my genetics,
or... or my environment.
347
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,960
And everything in my afterlife
was determined by you.
348
00:13:20,980 --> 00:13:23,520
There is no such thing as free will.
349
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:25,270
We're closing up soon, guys.
350
00:13:25,290 --> 00:13:26,800
Yeah, can we just have 15 minutes?
351
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,076
We're kind of in the
middle of something.
352
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:29,759
I'd take off if I were you.
353
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,780
The second we close, they use
this place to shoot pornos.
354
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:35,100
Okay.
355
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:37,350
You want something to drink?
356
00:13:37,370 --> 00:13:38,820
Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
357
00:13:38,890 --> 00:13:41,190
But whatever I choose
will be the result of
358
00:13:41,230 --> 00:13:44,060
millions of biological,
genetic, and societal factors
359
00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:47,460
that are entirely outside my control.
360
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:49,300
Iced tea.
361
00:13:49,330 --> 00:13:51,130
Oh, that sounds good. I'll have one too.
362
00:13:51,170 --> 00:13:53,750
Okay. You think you have no free will,
363
00:13:53,780 --> 00:13:58,140
because I scripted everything
that happened, right?
364
00:13:58,180 --> 00:14:02,080
All I have to do is prove
that you made one choice
365
00:14:02,110 --> 00:14:04,250
that I couldn't anticipate.
366
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:05,960
Easy.
367
00:14:07,950 --> 00:14:10,520
Okay, here's a perfect example!
368
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,620
- In the very first attempt...
- Dude.
369
00:14:12,660 --> 00:14:13,820
Dude-dude-dude!
370
00:14:13,860 --> 00:14:15,090
- What?
- Yelling...
371
00:14:15,130 --> 00:14:16,990
You're... you're yelling.
372
00:14:17,030 --> 00:14:18,330
- Oh...
- Like, so loudly.
373
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:19,370
Sorry.
374
00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:21,330
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
375
00:14:21,370 --> 00:14:24,060
Watch this, it's from
the very first attempt.
376
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,510
If anyone has any information...
377
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,160
- Oh, boy.
- About any of this...
378
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:31,540
Okay, easy.
379
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,720
I beg you, tell me.
380
00:14:33,780 --> 00:14:35,920
Hey, I love you, man.
381
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:38,780
Michael.
382
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:41,520
The problem in the neighborhood
383
00:14:41,550 --> 00:14:43,890
is me.
384
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:46,460
You saw your friend in pain,
385
00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:50,130
and you decided to sacrifice
yourself to help him.
386
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:52,060
That wasn't me pulling a string
387
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,600
or manipulating you.
388
00:14:53,630 --> 00:14:56,070
In fact, it was the last thing I wanted.
389
00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:58,440
Ruined my whole plan.
390
00:14:58,580 --> 00:15:00,940
- Free will.
- No, dude.
391
00:15:00,970 --> 00:15:04,910
The only reason I cared enough
about Chidi to do that,
392
00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:07,440
was because you forced us together,
393
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,980
made me feel bad for causing him pain.
394
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:11,110
- Okay, yeah...
- Yeah.
395
00:15:11,150 --> 00:15:12,480
But, no, you were constantly
396
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:15,050
doing stuff I couldn't anticipate.
397
00:15:15,090 --> 00:15:17,620
As a matter of fact, I
complained to you once,
398
00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:19,090
right... right to your face.
399
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:22,330
I think it was reboot 444.
400
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:25,500
Now, is Chidi trapped in
the purple space bubble?
401
00:15:25,530 --> 00:15:27,300
Yes. Is he in pain?
402
00:15:27,330 --> 00:15:29,300
Almost certainly. Will he ever get out?
403
00:15:29,330 --> 00:15:31,170
No. However...
404
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:33,720
Uh, yeah, uh... wrong one. Wrong one.
405
00:15:33,740 --> 00:15:36,170
I mean, that's worth
watching. It's great.
406
00:15:36,210 --> 00:15:37,940
But uh... not... not the
one I was thinking.
407
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,700
It's probably, uh, 445.
408
00:15:45,550 --> 00:15:47,940
You. In here.
409
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:52,920
Where am I?
410
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,160
Hell. You're in Hell.
411
00:15:55,190 --> 00:15:56,600
Can I ask you something?
412
00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:58,190
Have I missed anything
413
00:15:58,230 --> 00:16:00,460
in that freaky little noodle of yours?
414
00:16:00,580 --> 00:16:03,030
See I... I've studied
everything about your life.
415
00:16:03,070 --> 00:16:04,870
I know your hopes, your fears,
416
00:16:04,900 --> 00:16:07,300
your psychology, your tendencies.
417
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,850
- _
- I know all your private shames,
418
00:16:09,860 --> 00:16:12,480
like that you don't wash
your feet in the shower;
419
00:16:12,510 --> 00:16:14,980
your first concert was Barenaked Ladies;
420
00:16:15,010 --> 00:16:17,380
and you have frequent sex dreams
421
00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:20,780
about Sam the Eagle, from the Muppets.
422
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:21,900
Well, he's very authoritative,
423
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:23,540
and I find that reassuring.
424
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:27,560
You keep making crazy
choices I don't understand.
425
00:16:28,930 --> 00:16:30,780
Am I missing something?
426
00:16:30,860 --> 00:16:32,336
I'm sorry. Can we rewind for a second?
427
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:34,560
Who are you? Who is that guy?
428
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:35,940
Am I dead?
429
00:16:36,670 --> 00:16:38,670
Is Sam the Eagle here?
430
00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:40,180
No.
431
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,070
I tried to script your whole afterlife.
432
00:16:43,110 --> 00:16:46,620
And I devised a 15 million-point plan
433
00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:47,840
to torture you.
434
00:16:47,950 --> 00:16:51,020
You made choices I never saw coming.
435
00:16:51,380 --> 00:16:55,300
I call that free will.
436
00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,660
What if all your choices
are predetermined?
437
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:01,090
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
438
00:17:01,130 --> 00:17:02,260
What? We don't know.
439
00:17:02,290 --> 00:17:03,560
Maybe there's a mega-demon
440
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:05,360
who built a torture chamber for demons,
441
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,700
and this whole thing is
just him torturing you.
442
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:11,230
And maybe all the mega-demons are just
443
00:17:11,270 --> 00:17:13,820
fulfilling a destiny
laid out by a bunch of
444
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,600
super intelligent tarantula-squids,
445
00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:18,479
who are torturing them, be...
446
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:25,820
Why did you do that?
447
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,000
Because I have free will.
448
00:17:28,020 --> 00:17:31,190
And because you're being so annoying.
449
00:17:31,220 --> 00:17:33,420
Uh. Thank you.
450
00:17:33,540 --> 00:17:35,090
I'm so sorry that he did that.
451
00:17:35,130 --> 00:17:36,760
Happens all the time.
452
00:17:36,790 --> 00:17:38,400
Usually it's the younger woman
453
00:17:38,430 --> 00:17:40,180
doing it to the older guy, though.
454
00:17:41,330 --> 00:17:43,320
Dude! Not cool.
455
00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:44,600
Disagree.
456
00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:47,440
I think it's the coolest
thing I've ever done.
457
00:17:47,470 --> 00:17:50,140
Do you really not see
what's happening here?
458
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,280
Do you want me to spell it out for you?
459
00:17:52,310 --> 00:17:55,380
This is a defense mechanism, Eleanor.
460
00:17:55,410 --> 00:17:58,080
You saw yourself fall
in love with Chidi,
461
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:01,480
and it freaked you out to see
yourself be so vulnerable.
462
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:04,320
So, you're using determinism
to convince yourself
463
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:06,420
that those feelings were not real.
464
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:07,736
You know, you don't know me, man.
465
00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:11,800
Yes, I do, I know everything
about you, remember?
466
00:18:11,830 --> 00:18:15,439
Including that nothing scares
you more than vulnerability.
467
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,180
Whatever. Who even cares?
468
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:18,400
I do.
469
00:18:18,460 --> 00:18:20,020
Because if everything is determined,
470
00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:21,720
and we have no free will,
471
00:18:21,740 --> 00:18:24,110
then all the stuff we're
doing to put more good
472
00:18:24,140 --> 00:18:26,010
into the world is pointless.
473
00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:28,920
And I want to believe that it matters.
474
00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:32,320
So if you'll excuse me, I'm
gonna use my free will
475
00:18:32,350 --> 00:18:35,350
right now to go pick up our
friends at the airport.
476
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:38,120
Worst possible use of free will,
477
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:39,620
but I'm gonna do it anyway,
478
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:41,520
because I care about them.
479
00:18:45,780 --> 00:18:47,260
You might wanna head out too.
480
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:49,300
We're closing soon,
and the second we do,
481
00:18:49,330 --> 00:18:51,680
they use this place to shoot porn.
482
00:18:56,100 --> 00:18:58,170
First class was amazing.
483
00:18:58,200 --> 00:18:59,739
They give you so many free presents.
484
00:18:59,740 --> 00:19:02,570
A shaving kit, an eye
mask... oh, a vest.
485
00:19:04,170 --> 00:19:06,440
At times like this, it's fun to remember
486
00:19:06,460 --> 00:19:08,180
that we're legally married.
487
00:19:08,210 --> 00:19:10,849
That is fun.
488
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:12,810
Oh, I call window seat!
489
00:19:20,010 --> 00:19:22,140
I'm sorry. You were right.
490
00:19:22,170 --> 00:19:25,040
I was scared about what it all meant,
491
00:19:25,130 --> 00:19:27,260
and I went back to one
of my favorite moves,
492
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:29,130
turn on the ol' Blame Hose.
493
00:19:29,170 --> 00:19:32,000
"This is all you fault."
494
00:19:32,030 --> 00:19:33,160
Apology accepted.
495
00:19:33,570 --> 00:19:36,200
And I'm sorry I dumped
iced tea on your head.
496
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,049
Are you kidding me? You did exactly what
497
00:19:38,050 --> 00:19:39,890
you should do when you're
friend is being annoying.
498
00:19:39,910 --> 00:19:41,210
You snapped me out of it.
499
00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:43,450
It also made me realize, in a weird way,
500
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:47,120
we are the only truly free
beings in the universe,
501
00:19:47,150 --> 00:19:49,800
because we actually know
what's up with the afterlife.
502
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,450
And I think that means
we need to be bold.
503
00:19:52,490 --> 00:19:55,880
Take the Soul Squad to
the next level somehow.
504
00:19:56,060 --> 00:19:58,130
You're right.
505
00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,300
We need to find someone who can
506
00:20:00,330 --> 00:20:03,400
serve as a... as a
blueprint for humanity,
507
00:20:03,430 --> 00:20:05,300
someone who's life is so great
508
00:20:05,330 --> 00:20:08,140
that we can use it as a
model to get as many points
509
00:20:08,170 --> 00:20:09,910
for as many people as possible.
510
00:20:09,940 --> 00:20:11,500
And I think I know that perfect person.
511
00:20:11,580 --> 00:20:13,580
Rihanna. Good call. I don't
know her personally,
512
00:20:13,610 --> 00:20:14,840
but I did see her in Vegas once,
513
00:20:14,850 --> 00:20:17,220
and her calf brushed
up against my tongue.
514
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:19,659
I licked her leg. I was kicked out.
515
00:20:19,660 --> 00:20:22,580
It's not Rihanna. It's...
it's someone way cooler.
516
00:20:22,620 --> 00:20:25,080
Hey, everybody out of the car!
517
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:26,420
Grab your bags!
518
00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:29,120
We're going to rural Canada!
519
00:20:33,530 --> 00:20:35,580
- Is it ready?
- I guess.
520
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:37,060
We have no idea if it'll work.
521
00:20:37,100 --> 00:20:40,000
Oh, I'm sure it's perfect.
522
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:42,170
- Give it a try, Shawn.
- Me?
523
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,840
I'm not going through that thing.
524
00:20:43,870 --> 00:20:45,140
She is.
525
00:20:45,300 --> 00:20:47,910
Ask Michael how many
times he rebooted them.
526
00:20:47,940 --> 00:20:50,010
- He's lying...
- Yeah, zip it, toots.
527
00:20:50,050 --> 00:20:51,450
We're way past that.
528
00:20:51,620 --> 00:20:52,880
Where am I?
529
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,280
How long was I in there?
530
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,350
You have missed a lot.
531
00:20:56,390 --> 00:20:58,220
Now go through that makeshift portal.
532
00:20:58,250 --> 00:20:59,600
See if you explode.
533
00:21:01,620 --> 00:21:04,230
This might be gross.
534
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:11,130
Oh. Am I on Earth?
535
00:21:11,170 --> 00:21:12,880
Did you figure out a way to build
536
00:21:12,900 --> 00:21:14,570
an illegal door to Earth?
537
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:17,569
Yes.
538
00:21:17,570 --> 00:21:19,540
That's exactly what I did.
539
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:22,400
- Well, we all helped.
- Shut up, Glenn.