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Episode 3: Thorpe Park
So, I'm halfway through my first term in a new school.
- Nice badge, dickhead. - And it could've been worse.
- I will get you. - I still have all my limbs. Just.
I've met loads of new people.
And best of all, no-one's tried to fuck my mum yet.
- She's fit. - She is fit.
Don't have a wank over my mum.
And unlike my old school, there were girls here.
And if there's one thing I now know about girls,
and let's face it, there is only one thing I now know about girls,
it's that boys who drive are more attractive than those who don't.
- Careful... - As he was the oldest,
our chances of getting a car to impress the ladies
rested on Simon's shoulders.
Gently does it.
And his stupid, uncoordinated size 10 feet.
Careful.
Little bit more...
I'm just not great at parallel parking.
Bollocks!
Shut up!
Si, it's me nan. She wants to know if you want some help parking.
Steady on, boys. It's not easy for Simon.
OK, let's try again.
Oh, shit!
OK. Off we go, Simon. Into first.
- Shouldn't you leave a note? - No, we're driving off.
Quickly now. Drive!
Drive!
So it looked like it might be quite some time
before we were picking up girls in a car.
Jay, I have just had the best lesson ever.
Jack Stephens dropped his ruler next to Miss Timms
and when she bent over to pick it up, I saw loads of leg on the way down
- and a bit of tit on the way up. - You lucky git.
Oh yeah, and it's all locked away up here in the visual wank bank.
I thought you'd passed your written test?
I did. I've got the practical tomorrow. I thought this might give me a few tips.
I don't think there is a section on how not to be a whining little bitch.
- Brilliant. - If you pass,
- we could go on a road trip. - Could do.
Maybe we could see what Carli's doing and go somewhere with her?
A car is like a mobile pulling machine.
Forget about Carli, forget about all the girls at this school.
There's a whole world of pussy out there.
He's right. Although he expressed it like a terrible misogynist.
- Thank you. - Why don't you come to Thorpe Park?
- There's always loads of birds there. - Oh, my God, yes! Thorpe Park!
I can get you free tickets.
- How? - I work there.
- Mopping up sick? - Some sick.
How come you never mentioned you work at Thorpe Park before?
I worked at ASDA and you never asked about that.
- Your old man needs the money? - He doesn't, actually.
But paying for rent boys can't be cheap.
- My dad's not bent! - Why's he paying for rent boys?
- He's not! - What, they give him freebies?!
I think we should lay off Neil a bit. Is it right, Neil, that Thorpe Park
has one of only two pulley-launched coasters outside North America?
- I don't know. - It is right.
- I don't know if my dad'll let me go. - What's it got to do with your dad?
He's paying for my car. He might not let me do long journeys yet.
Surely he'll want you to get sucked off by a little lovely
- on the teacup ride? - Are there really loads of girls there?
Sometimes on the rides, their boobs pop out.
You only get a split second of tit, cos they're going at about 70mph,
- but it's still good, though. - This is perfect.
Simon passes his test, drives us to Thorpe Park,
Neil gets us freebies, and I get to ride...
- A man's cock in the bushes. - The Nemesis Inferno.
- This is gonna be awesome. - If I pass my test.
Roller coasters and tits, this is gonna be brilliant.
If I pass my test!
Despite our excitement,
we knew it would take a miracle for Simon to pass his test.
But miracles often come in unlikely packages.
Hello, Simon.
I'm Tracy, your examiner for today's test.
Don't look so nervous, I'm not gonna eat you.
So, how are you feeling? Ready to be... examined?
- I'm a bit nervous. - It's perfectly natural, sweetheart.
We just need to loosen you up.
Ease into it.
Now, the first part of the test is a doddle.
All you've got to do is sing out the registration plate of that blue car.
OK. It's...
It's, um, E-O-S...
No, 5-1
C-U
Z
- Shit, it's a V not a U, isn't it? - Well, technically yes, but...
You get a pass on that one for having such pretty eyes.
Right, to the Batmobile, Robin.
- Sorry? - Off you pop to your car.
Nice.
Why don't you just let me help you with that?
So, Simon, have you got a girlfriend?
- Is this part of the test? - No,
but I will fail you if you say yes.
Right, just slip it into first and pull out of the centre slowly.
Shit! I stalled it.
False start. Just relax. Try again.
- Oh, you're shaking. - I've failed, haven't I?
Shush, shush, silly. No-one's gonna fail here.
Right, I'm not sure that's helping with the nerves, actually.
Simon, if you don't want my help, you've only to say.
But trust me, I know how difficult this test can be.
Good boy.
You steer, and I'll do the pedals.
That's the tricky bit.
Simon never did tell us what happened on his driving test.
I passed!
I passed! First time!
So you owe me that, you little shit.
- I didn't shake on it. - A bet's a bet! Unlucky!
Well done, Simon. We knew you'd pass.
Your dad's just bringing round your new car.
- God, Mum, this is brilliant! - That is not fair.
- You're not allowed to touch it. - Well, we're very proud of you.
It's a Fiat or something, but he says it is second-hand.
God, Mum, that doesn't matter. This is so cool!
That is the gayest car I've ever seen.
Oh, no...
Dad... Really?
Really?
It might not look much, but it's a great little runner.
And you won't be able { o get up enough speed in it }to kill yourself.
- I don't want it. - Come on, it's a special edition.
A Hawaii.
I bet your mates at school will think it's cool.
- I can't go to school in it! - Well, if I was a girl,
I'd think whoever drove this was pretty trendy.
Are you trying to wind me up? Why are you saying these things?
Well, I think you should just be a bit more grateful, to be honest.
- Christ, it's got a tape deck. - See, that's good.
No, it's not! You can't even buy tapes any more.
You're being melodramatic again.
Now, why don't you go and show Will? I bet he'll be jealous.
He'll be really jealous of how yellow it is.
And be careful, that's the most valuable present you'll ever get.
- I fucking hope not. - I heard that!
The good news was that Simon had passed.
The not-so-good news was bright yellow and parked in my driveway.
Well, I don't think it's too bad. It's not great, though, is it?
No. But don't look at the external realities,
- think of the immense possibilities. - What?
Yes, it's a Cinquecento Hawaii, but it's also freedom.
It's the possibility of driving our own destiny.
We can be what we want now,
push our lives literally in the direction we want them to...
- Is that a tape deck? - Check out the Bendermobile!
It looks like a paedo's car!
He's just jealous cos his family haven't discovered fire yet.
- You fucking what, MacKenzie? - Nothing, nothing.
- Oh, hello, Mrs MacKenzie. - Hello, Mark. Is this your car?
No, it's Cooper's.
- Shame about the colour, Simon. - Right...
Mum, we're just off to Thorpe Park and we're running a bit late
- so we should probably go now. - Thorpe Park?
- To ride roller coasters? Is it safe? - Yes, it's incredibly safe.
Won't you be frightened? You cried when you went on the ghost train.
I was five years old! Mum, please!
- I just worry about you, petal. Actually, I should get you a jumper.
Go! Just drive before she gets back.
Simon's dad needn't have worried.
There was no danger of him getting up enough speed to kill himself,
despite the fact Thorpe Park would be shutting in a few hours.
- Where's your new car, Si? - Round here.
Fuck me!
Do you get a free Barbie when you buy one of these?
- Shotgun! - After you.
I called shotgun.
What?
Shotgun, it means I get the front seat.
In what way could it possibly mean that?
- It just does. - Look,
we drove over here with me in the front seat.
We've come to pick you up, we've picked you up.
Now in you get and I'll return to my previous position.
It's not happening, freak. I called shotgun.
- He's right, he did call it. - What?
- You're backing him? - Get in the back, Will.
All right, I'm getting in. Get off! I'm hyperreflexic, my bones'll pop out.
So we had a car.
It was a shit car, but it was still a car.
All we needed now was some girls.
Up ahead, a car full of muff! Pull alongside 'em, Si.
I can't. I'm not turning left.
- It's against the Highway Code. - Well, just beep 'em.
- Don't be such a pussy! - No! Get off!
All right, all right.
- Hello, lovelies! Follow 'em. - All right, I suppose.
- Shit, I stalled it. - Oh, you dickhead.
- They're getting away. - Jesus,
you make it sound like we're about to attack them.
- You lost the muff wagon. - What were we gonna do anyway?
Follow them until they're forced to drive to a police station?
They love it, you tool. It's called flirting.
Yeah, a terrifying and unsolicited form of flirting.
If you didn't drive like an old woman, we might catch up with them.
I'm not gonna risk our necks for some random girls.
Well, I'd give a left bollock for 'em. So get a fucking move on.
Actually, I think that's them up ahead.
We've caught up with them! Do a left.
What are you doing? Pull out.
- There's a space, you can go now. - No, it's not safe.
Are you winding me up? Look, go now!
Thorpe Park's gonna be closing soon, Si.
Look, fuck off, all right!
I've just passed my test and I'm not gonna crash
- cos you twats can't wait two minutes. - Just fucking go.
- There's a gap! Quickly! - All right! For fuck's sake!
- Oh, shit. - Now look what you've made me do.
Oh, God!
Why are they going so fucking slowly?
I mean, it's almost as if they don't want to see
their dearly departed fly out the back onto the A320.
Oh, God!
It wasn't a great start to our first road trip
and knowing our luck, they'd be burying him at Thorpe Park.
It's fair to say overtaking dead bodies wasn't Simon's strong point.
By the time we finally got to Thorpe Park,
we only had two hours of valuable roller-coaster time left.
I can't believe you lost the muff, you bell-end.
- They were giving us the come-on. - By driving away as fast as possible.
They wanted us to chase 'em.
But it's hard to have a chase when you don't go over 30.
It's 30 for a reason.
I think we should remember today is about roller coasters.
And Simon's got us here safely.
I thought it was about me passing my test.
Yes... As well.
But mainly it's about Nemesis Inferno.
No, today's about tits.
- And we are in luck. Get 'em. - Right.
Park it!
- Quickly, you dickhead. - Fuck off!
I'm not waiting any longer.
Oh, no.
- Oh, shit! - Oh, dear.
Your dad's not gonna be pleased, is he?
God, look what you've done. Christ, I've only had it a day.
You're in the shit!
- Where you going? - My dad's gonna go mental.
- I've gotta get this fixed. - But the roller coasters...
I don't care. I have to get this fixed.
But Simon, we've come so far.
Neil's sister's boyfriend is a mechanic. He'll fix it.
- Is he? - Well, there you go, then!
We'll go and find Neil, his sister's boyfriend will fix it
and your dad will be none the wiser. As we've travelled all this way,
- we might as well enjoy the rides. - But my car...
Simon, look at me. Look at me!
I guarantee the Nemesis Inferno will cheer you up.
Or think about them lovelies.
They're in there with their... tits and that.
Come on, let's go and find Neil for you.
- Can't we just phone him? - He's at work, Si.
He can't take personal calls.
We're gonna have to go in there if we want to talk to him.
But what about my car door? What if someone nicks it?
We'll take it with us. They'll definitely have a place to store it.
Fine. For fuck's sake.
We have baby-changing and disabled access for limited rides.
Right...
Not really what I asked.
We don't have anywhere to store car doors.
Turns out they don't have anywhere to store car doors.
Knew it. Fine. We'll take turns carrying it, then.
- I'm not carrying it. - Fuck not carrying it.
- You're paying for it as well, mate. - Me? Why?
- Cos you ripped it off. - You reversed!
- But you're the one who ripped it off! - Hey, let's not argue.
Let's just get in there, have some fun.
Face it, if you could park properly, this wouldn't have happened.
Yeah? Well, I'm the only one who can drive, so you can fuck off.
I can drive. I took an army driving course when I was 10.
You still wet the bed when you were 10.
I wet your mum's bed. With my spunk.
Yeah, brilliant.
When we got into the park,
I realised it had been worth ruining a dignified man's funeral for.
It was amazing.
We may have lost the... hm... tits,
but the roller coaster was still in our sights.
We had to find Neil,
if only to stop Simon bitching about his car.
- I'm not paying for it. - Yes, you are.
- Good luck with that. - Let's just find Neil.
What's that?
Are you all right, Mr Monkey?
- It hurts! - Does he need help?
Help! Help!
Not up my nose! Not my nose!
- He's gone mental. - Poor fucker.
- A wasp! Wasp! - Neil!
Wasp! In me costume!
Oh God, that hurts.
Stupid bloody wasps!
Neil, I need to speak to you about your sister's boyfriend.
- Oh, Jesus, Neil! - Christ, you're naked under there.
I don't think it's a good idea to be naked if you're working with kids.
But Mr Monkey isn't naked. He's got a waistcoat and a hat.
No, not Mr Monkey, Neil. You.
- But I'm in the suit. - Yes, naked.
Look, I'm in agony here. Put some of that cream on my stings.
- God, all right, then. - The worst ones are on my back.
- And arse. - Fuck that!
You lot can stay here and finger Neil's arse if you wanna,
but I'm off to find the clunge.
Neil, seriously, can you put it away, so we can talk?
- Put some clothes on. - All right, all right.
Oh, not again.
- What? - They're always doing.
They're bonkers. They've nicked my clothes.
- Where would they have put 'em? - I don't know.
Last time this happened, they burnt 'em.
Please hurry up. We can't go on the roller coaster if you're naked.
Don't worry. I'll get something
With the stench from Neil's arse still hot in my nostrils,
we headed for Nemesis.
Though technically dressed,
the clothes Neil had picked { rom lost property}
made him look surprisingly like a Brazilian male prostitute.
I've just seen the clunge head towards Nemesis.
Sounds like they're thrill-seekers too.
I hope they're cock-seekers too.
- Brilliant. - See ya.
I seriously need to speak to you about my car.
Your sister's boyfriend works in a garage, doesn't he?
- Yeah{, he works in a garage}. - Will he be working tonight?
- Probably, he works most evenings. - Brilliant, perfect, that's sorted.
The park's about to close so we'll go on Nemesis now
and we can deal with the car later. But we'll go on the Nemesis now.
I suppose so.
Hello.
Yes, I got your text.
Yes, I'm safe.
No, I'm not crying.
So far, the only terrifying experience I'd had all day
was seeing Neil's cock and balls,
but now the Nemesis Inferno was tantalisingly close.
This is your last chance to queue for Nemesis Inferno.
The ride is now closing.
- Shit, still an hour queue. - That's nothing.
I once waited three hours for the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland Paris.
- You are mental. - Mental.
- Why is enjoying things mental? - This place is full of muff,
but you're only interested in roller coasters.
Girls are everywhere, Jay.
The best rides in the country are only here.
- You sound like you're 40. - Well, I'm queuing.
And I'm getting in a separate queue for the front four seats.
- The front's the best. - The ride is now closing.
- Si, are you coming? - Are you sure your sister's boyfriend
- will be working tonight, Neil? - I told you he works evenings.
Well, that's sorted, then! Now, can we please get on the ride?
- Shotgun the outside seats. - No, you can't shotgun this.
Well, I just did.
Oh, yes!
You know this is one of the only two versions of this roller coaster
outside of the US?
And I promise, athough it's taken a little bit longer...
- Half a fucking hour longer. - To queue for the front,
it will be worth it. Unencumbered thrills.
And we can come back all year thanks to Neil.
- Come on, we're up. - Room for one more at the front.
- Sorry? - One more at the front.
How can there possibly be room for only one more at the front?
There's three people on the front so there's a spare seat there.
Let's just rewind a bit, shall we?
Why are there now 3 people at the front?
- If you could just get on. - They've pushed in.
We spent over an hour queuing for the front and they've pushed in.
Get them off!
Get them off and make them move! Fucking pushing in.
It doesn't matter. We'll sit at the back.
Are they so dumb
they think it's OK to push in? Make them move.
Shut up, you plum, and get on the ride.
Sir, it's the last ride of the day. Please get on.
Will, honestly, it doesn't matter. Just get on.
Fine. Fucking fine. I'll just get on. I'll just get on
and sit at the front next to these inconsiderate arseholes.
I'm the worst human being in the world.
When I look back on my life,
I'm pretty sure that ride will be a low point.
But with a bit of luck, the others wouldn't find out who I'd insulted.
They were on the front?
Oh, no, Will.
Oh, my God.
- Will... - Oh, my God.
- Don't! - "Arseholes"?
- This is the best! - You're going to hell.
Please don't.
So I'd finally got to ride the Nemesis,
which wasn't as much fun as I'd hoped.
It would be a long journey home,
made longer by Simon carrying the door
and my heavy sense of shame.
Well, it can't be too hard to find. It's the colour of my nan's piss.
- Why are you watching your nan piss? - What am I gonna say to my parents?
- Will the door go back on? - Stop shitting yourself.
Neil said his sister's boyfriend will be able to fix it.
- No, he won't be able to fix that. - What?
You said he'd be able to fix it no problem and he worked in a garage.
He does, BP garage. He mucks about with cars,
but he won't be able to fix that in a million years.
The door's come off.
This is a disaster. My dad's gonna go mad.
It'll be fine. We'll find someone else to fix it.
I know a bloke who builds Formula One cars. He owes me a favour.
I don't think your make-believe friend will fix this.
We'll find a proper mechanic on the way back. It can't be too hard.
As long as it's fixed good as new and my parents don't know,
that's all I care about.
Oh look, here it is, car park D.
Oh, dear.
What the fuck has happened?
- Holy shit! What's happened? - At least they left the tape deck.
I don't believe this. There's no explaining this to my dad.
I mean, who and why?
- Yes, that makes sense. - Fuckers, let's get 'em.
Jay, I'm not gonna chase after and then fight the Happy Foundation bus.
How are we getting home, then?
It's true.
Girls do like cars.
They just don't like shitty little yellow cars
that ruin funerals and don't have all the doors they were made with.
Girls are also less keen on boys who wear Speedos,
borderline sex pests
and people who insult the disabled. Inconsiderate arseholes!
But it's not all bad.
What we learned today is there isn't a car on the planet
that can make us cool, whatever state it was in.
Dad... What you need to know is it wasn't my fault.
Well, I'm sorry, but it wasn't my fault!
Transcript: Evarin - Synchro: Tagne
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