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2
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<i>The Inbetweeners 1x5
Caravan Club</i>

3
00:00:22,527 --> 00:00:25,159
<i>Hi, I'm Will, and as a special treat</i>

4
00:00:25,279 --> 00:00:28,094
<i>I now get to finish my A-Levels
at a State comprehensive.</i>

5
00:00:28,214 --> 00:00:29,199
Posh twat.

6
00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:31,719
<i>Everyone's made me feel very welcome.</i>

7
00:00:31,901 --> 00:00:33,159
Briefcase wanker.

8
00:00:33,338 --> 00:00:35,719
<i>- I have made some friends.
- Oh, friend!</i>

9
00:00:36,046 --> 00:00:38,039
<i>Unfortunately,
they're bigger losers than me...</i>

10
00:00:40,673 --> 00:00:43,341
<i>Which means, while other people
get to play pool and hang out,</i>

11
00:00:43,461 --> 00:00:47,279
<i>I spend my free periods tied to a chair
with a rubbish bin on my head.</i>

12
00:00:49,791 --> 00:00:50,977
What happened to you?

13
00:00:51,097 --> 00:00:52,797
- I tripped.
- Really?

14
00:00:52,917 --> 00:00:55,560
No, not really, Neil.
Donovan's tied me to a chair.

15
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:57,799
He says no-one's allowed to touch me.
The prick.

16
00:00:57,962 --> 00:01:00,241
Just so you know,
he's stood 10 foot away.

17
00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:01,880
Shit. He didn't hear that, did he?

18
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:03,218
Yep, he's heard that.

19
00:01:03,338 --> 00:01:06,344
- Come on, we'll get you out.
- Better not, Neil.

20
00:01:07,088 --> 00:01:09,438
Sorry, we're not allowed to untie you.

21
00:01:09,679 --> 00:01:10,679
Fair enough.

22
00:01:12,253 --> 00:01:14,799
- So what are we up to this weekend?
- We could go to Bluewater.

23
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:17,999
A shopping centre?
Great. You know how much I love chavs.

24
00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:20,775
Bluewater's not chavvy.
It's quality. I go there all the time.

25
00:01:20,895 --> 00:01:21,961
I rest my case.

26
00:01:22,081 --> 00:01:23,844
To be fair, they've now got a Nando's.

27
00:01:23,964 --> 00:01:26,595
- The hallmark of quality!
- I actually like Nando's.

28
00:01:26,715 --> 00:01:30,320
Whatever you lot get up to this weekend,
I won't be there.

29
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:32,439
Oh, no! Who will supply the witticisms.

30
00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,168
I'll be up to my nuts in some guts,

31
00:01:34,288 --> 00:01:36,159
shagging those two sisters
from Caravan Club.

32
00:01:36,279 --> 00:01:40,229
Camber Sands meeting this weekend,
which is always like a massive orgy.

33
00:01:40,529 --> 00:01:43,718
Except it's not, though, is it?
It's holidays for old people.

34
00:01:43,838 --> 00:01:45,754
I'm sorry, did someone say something?

35
00:01:45,874 --> 00:01:47,400
Was Bin Boy giving it the big 'un?

36
00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:49,621
It's funny how you never get
any girls around here,

37
00:01:49,741 --> 00:01:53,040
yet away on Caravan Club you're like
some sort of gypsy Russell Brand.

38
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,730
I wouldn't shag any
of the skanky girls around here, mate.

39
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Except for your mum, obviously.

40
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- Get in the queue!
- Brilliant.

41
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If you don't believe me,
you should come down to Camber Sands.

42
00:02:01,323 --> 00:02:03,098
Even Bin Boy might get some sex!

43
00:02:03,218 --> 00:02:05,319
All right. I'm definitely up for that.

44
00:02:05,481 --> 00:02:06,611
Yeah, love to.

45
00:02:08,931 --> 00:02:10,265
You don't have to.

46
00:02:10,385 --> 00:02:12,532
If I have to sleep in a caravan
to prove you're lying,

47
00:02:12,652 --> 00:02:14,400
then I'm willing to make that sacrifice.

48
00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:16,198
Fine. Good.

49
00:02:16,968 --> 00:02:17,823
Come down.

50
00:02:17,943 --> 00:02:20,719
- Then we'll see who's lying.
- Yes, you. You're lying.

51
00:02:22,964 --> 00:02:25,322
- Mark, can we untie him now?
- No.

52
00:02:26,026 --> 00:02:27,679
Sorry, mate. See you at lunch.

53
00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:30,279
- See you then.
- Oh, shit, it's Gilbert.

54
00:02:30,441 --> 00:02:33,424
- Good, now Donovan's in trouble.
- Don't grass.

55
00:02:33,893 --> 00:02:36,768
Cooper, Sutherland, Cartwright,

56
00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:40,120
- and who have we under here?
- McKenzie, sir.

57
00:02:40,281 --> 00:02:42,931
Let me guess,
no-one saw how this happened.

58
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- I suppose you tripped.
- No, what happened was...

59
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:47,681
Sorry, you're about to grass, are you?

60
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:48,519
Sir?

61
00:02:48,681 --> 00:02:50,658
If there's one thing no-one likes,
it's a grass.

62
00:02:50,944 --> 00:02:53,879
So I will ask you how this happened
and you will reply, "I tripped."

63
00:02:54,231 --> 00:02:56,234
But, sir, if no-one reported crimes,

64
00:02:56,354 --> 00:02:59,200
- the justice system would collapse...
- I'll ask you again.

65
00:02:59,474 --> 00:03:01,042
How did this happen?

66
00:03:01,654 --> 00:03:02,599
I tripped.

67
00:03:03,463 --> 00:03:04,429
Clumsy.

68
00:03:07,223 --> 00:03:09,218
<i>Thanks to Gilbert's disdain
for informers,</i>

69
00:03:09,338 --> 00:03:11,426
<i>I was left tied to the chair
for the rest of the day.</i>

70
00:03:11,546 --> 00:03:12,250
Guys?

71
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,657
<i>The one good thing is
we called Jay's bluff.</i>

72
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<i>This was the classic win-win situation.</i>

73
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<i>If by some miracle,
Caravan Club was full of girls,</i>

74
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<i>then we might get laid,</i>

75
00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:24,218
<i>but if it was full of weird old people
and chavs,</i>

76
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:26,911
<i>which it would be,
then Jay would never live it down,</i>

77
00:03:27,031 --> 00:03:29,478
<i>so with high hopes, we hit the open road</i>

78
00:03:29,598 --> 00:03:31,679
<i>in Simon's shitty little yellow car.</i>

79
00:03:33,545 --> 00:03:35,466
How fast can this thing go,
then, do you reckon?

80
00:03:35,586 --> 00:03:38,457
It's the special edition,
so I reckon it could probably top a ton.

81
00:03:38,577 --> 00:03:40,502
- Bollocks.
- Easily could.

82
00:03:40,651 --> 00:03:42,220
It's a pretty good car.

83
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I thought your dad had forbidden you
from going over 50.

84
00:03:44,653 --> 00:03:47,034
- He's not here, is he?
- And it couldn't do it anyway.

85
00:03:47,154 --> 00:03:48,504
Right, we'll see.

86
00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,839
80's pretty good.
We could leave it there.

87
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- Go on, Si!
- Oh, my God, we're gonna die!

88
00:04:00,170 --> 00:04:01,799
Simon, if you survive and I don't,

89
00:04:01,961 --> 00:04:04,880
give this message to my mum.
"Simon killed me."

90
00:04:05,478 --> 00:04:07,540
My arms are hurting a bit now.

91
00:04:07,739 --> 00:04:08,440
98.

92
00:04:10,201 --> 00:04:10,906
99.

93
00:04:13,041 --> 00:04:15,397
100 miles an hour!

94
00:04:16,431 --> 00:04:17,919
- Thank Christ.
- Told you.

95
00:04:18,579 --> 00:04:19,985
Yeah, not too bad.

96
00:04:21,718 --> 00:04:23,068
Can you get that?

97
00:04:25,041 --> 00:04:26,176
It's from Jay.

98
00:04:27,405 --> 00:04:29,919
No idea what it says,
but I'm pretty sure it's not English.

99
00:04:30,088 --> 00:04:33,824
There's an I, then an H, then a V.

100
00:04:33,944 --> 00:04:35,180
Give it here.

101
00:04:37,088 --> 00:04:40,535
He says he wants us to pick him up
at the garage just outside Camber Sands

102
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and he'll show us
how to get to the caravan park.

103
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Thank you, Dr Doolittle.

104
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What?

105
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- Cos he talks to the animals.
- I'm not following you.

106
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,999
And he's also buying a jumbo pack
of ribbed johnnies.

107
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Does anyone else need some?

108
00:05:01,916 --> 00:05:04,802
<i>Despite Simon's best efforts,
we made it to Camber Sands alive.</i>

109
00:05:04,922 --> 00:05:06,890
<i>We'd arranged to meet Jay
at the service station,</i>

110
00:05:07,010 --> 00:05:08,879
<i>and though Simon
could just about drive a car,</i>

111
00:05:08,999 --> 00:05:11,959
<i>getting petrol into it
still remained a mystery.</i>

112
00:05:19,779 --> 00:05:22,048
Christ, I forgot about this shit heap.

113
00:05:22,168 --> 00:05:24,223
I don't think even I could help you
get laid in that.

114
00:05:24,287 --> 00:05:25,921
Have you ever used one of these before?

115
00:05:26,041 --> 00:05:27,785
It's fucking broken. This should reach.

116
00:05:27,905 --> 00:05:29,848
Are you sure you actually passed
your test?

117
00:05:29,968 --> 00:05:32,115
How many times did you have
to suck off the instructor?!

118
00:05:32,235 --> 00:05:33,807
You want to park it a bit closer, Si.

119
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- Yeah, thanks, Neil.
- Pump number six, please park closer.

120
00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:38,919
- Told you.
- This is embarrassing.

121
00:05:39,153 --> 00:05:41,089
I'm gonna go check out the clunge mags.

122
00:05:41,209 --> 00:05:42,202
Wait for me.

123
00:05:42,322 --> 00:05:44,879
Pump number six, do you need assistance?

124
00:05:45,041 --> 00:05:48,016
I think I might go and stretch
my legs a bit, too.

125
00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,846
- What's so funny, then?
- It's your mum in this mag.

126
00:05:56,966 --> 00:05:58,338
Yes, very droll, well done.

127
00:05:58,458 --> 00:06:01,400
No, look,
it really looks like your mum's face.

128
00:06:02,579 --> 00:06:03,349
Yes.

129
00:06:05,397 --> 00:06:06,233
No!

130
00:06:06,353 --> 00:06:08,175
That is definitely your mum's snatch.

131
00:06:08,295 --> 00:06:10,723
I just got a text from this girl
at the Caravan Club.

132
00:06:10,843 --> 00:06:12,319
- Yeah, is it Becky?
- Yeah.

133
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,146
I texted her your photo. What's she say?

134
00:06:14,266 --> 00:06:15,661
"Hi, Simon, my name's Becky.

135
00:06:15,781 --> 00:06:18,161
"Liked your photo.
Jay says you've got a cool car as well.

136
00:06:18,281 --> 00:06:19,633
"See you later. Smiley face."

137
00:06:19,753 --> 00:06:21,410
She's seen a picture of you.

138
00:06:21,530 --> 00:06:23,600
- Let's get back one of her.
- With her tits out.

139
00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:25,764
Might be a bit early
in the relationship for that.

140
00:06:25,884 --> 00:06:28,079
- She is filthy.
- Still a bit early, I reckon.

141
00:06:28,241 --> 00:06:29,286
What shall I write?

142
00:06:29,406 --> 00:06:31,223
"Spread 'em.
I'll be there in half an hour."

143
00:06:31,343 --> 00:06:33,520
Or, "So lovely to hear from you,

144
00:06:33,779 --> 00:06:35,477
"it would be a pleasure to meet up."

145
00:06:35,597 --> 00:06:38,029
- "PS, I'm a poofter."
- Don't put the PS.

146
00:06:38,279 --> 00:06:40,347
All right,
I've put, "Can't wait to meet up.

147
00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:42,099
"How will I know what you look like?"

148
00:06:42,219 --> 00:06:44,720
- Smiley face at the end?
- Smiley with a wink. It's cheeky.

149
00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:47,000
No, the winky face is the mark
of a moron.

150
00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:48,431
I've sent it.

151
00:07:00,330 --> 00:07:01,759
Is that Leona Lewis?

152
00:07:01,879 --> 00:07:03,737
It's a picture of her
with her sister Suzanne.

153
00:07:03,905 --> 00:07:05,512
- Are they kissing?
- Let me see.

154
00:07:05,632 --> 00:07:06,940
Please be lesbo.

155
00:07:07,403 --> 00:07:08,403
Fit enough.

156
00:07:08,746 --> 00:07:10,252
I told you there was fit birds,

157
00:07:10,372 --> 00:07:12,200
and there's plenty more
where they came from.

158
00:07:12,428 --> 00:07:14,239
I think I'm actually gonna get laid.

159
00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:17,200
Oh, my God, sisters! That's so horny!

160
00:07:17,361 --> 00:07:19,731
First rule of Caravan Club
is that everyone gets some.

161
00:07:19,851 --> 00:07:21,244
Second rule of Caravan Club is,

162
00:07:21,364 --> 00:07:23,698
don't tell anyone about the first rule,
cos it's a massive lie.

163
00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:26,778
- We'll see about that, won't we?
- Yes, we will.

164
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:31,199
- Pump number six, please, and these.
- And them.

165
00:07:34,527 --> 00:07:36,415
Do you want a bag for these?

166
00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:46,477
<i>Admittedly Jay knew some girls,
but driving into the caravan park,</i>

167
00:07:46,597 --> 00:07:48,999
<i>it didn't look like the kind of place
you'd have an orgy.</i>

168
00:07:49,161 --> 00:07:51,983
<i>It looked like a field
with some old tents in it.</i>

169
00:07:54,093 --> 00:07:55,543
Welcome to my world.

170
00:07:56,141 --> 00:07:58,319
- Where are all these women, then?
- There's loads.

171
00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,248
- Just look around you.
- Where?

172
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:02,598
Everywhere. What about her?

173
00:08:02,718 --> 00:08:05,786
- She's about 12, Jay.
- Nah, she's older than that.

174
00:08:05,906 --> 00:08:07,279
Believe me, Christ!

175
00:08:07,617 --> 00:08:09,807
What sort of camp have we come to?

176
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,081
Here they come.

177
00:08:11,201 --> 00:08:13,039
- Becky, Suzanne.
- Hi, Jay.

178
00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:15,320
This is Simon I was telling you about.

179
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:16,291
Hello.

180
00:08:16,411 --> 00:08:18,640
Thanks for your text. Nice car.

181
00:08:18,843 --> 00:08:21,600
Thanks. It's not actually from Hawaii,
it just says it on the back.

182
00:08:21,913 --> 00:08:24,639
I like it.
Are you guys coming to the party later?

183
00:08:24,919 --> 00:08:26,000
Yeah, definitely.

184
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,392
Great, I'll see you later, then.

185
00:08:30,967 --> 00:08:32,917
That one has fucked everyone.

186
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,164
I've slung one up her
a few times myself.

187
00:08:35,284 --> 00:08:37,429
And who exactly is everyone, Jay?

188
00:08:37,591 --> 00:08:40,439
That old man over there?
Has he had a go on her?

189
00:08:40,601 --> 00:08:42,723
I promise you that
when you go back from this place

190
00:08:42,843 --> 00:08:44,753
you'll be begging your parents
to buy a caravan.

191
00:08:44,873 --> 00:08:46,774
I'm not sure Neil's dad
could afford a caravan.

192
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:49,397
If he thought of it as a mobile closet,
I'm sure he'd find the money.

193
00:08:49,517 --> 00:08:51,675
- My dad's not bent.
- We only have your word for that.

194
00:08:51,795 --> 00:08:54,639
- My dad's not bent.
- Yeah, you would say that, though.

195
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,840
Jay. Dinner's ready.

196
00:08:57,188 --> 00:08:59,250
All right then, dickheads,
Mum's made you tea,

197
00:08:59,370 --> 00:09:01,788
so park up and I'll meet you
in the caravan.

198
00:09:01,908 --> 00:09:04,758
Tea in a caravan.
I've finally hit rock bottom.

199
00:09:07,457 --> 00:09:09,582
There you go, boys.

200
00:09:09,847 --> 00:09:12,160
Some lovely salad,

201
00:09:12,516 --> 00:09:14,286
to go with your sausages.

202
00:09:14,406 --> 00:09:17,281
- Thanks, Mrs Cartwright.
- It's my pleasure.

203
00:09:26,626 --> 00:09:28,719
This is really delicious,
Mrs Cartwright.

204
00:09:37,216 --> 00:09:38,508
Cool, crisps.

205
00:09:39,365 --> 00:09:41,158
Have you got any ketchup?

206
00:09:49,735 --> 00:09:52,647
- Jesus Christ.
- My eyes are burning.

207
00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:55,735
All right, boys? Are you coming
to the dance tonight, then?

208
00:09:55,855 --> 00:09:57,087
Yes, Mr Cartwright.

209
00:09:57,207 --> 00:09:58,798
I've lined Simon up with a girl, Dad.

210
00:09:58,918 --> 00:10:01,759
Finally someone's gonna take advantage
of all the birds down here!

211
00:10:01,921 --> 00:10:03,915
Jay's about as much use as a nun's tits.

212
00:10:04,035 --> 00:10:06,292
Leave him alone,
Terry, you're embarrassing him.

213
00:10:06,412 --> 00:10:09,079
- Delicious crisps, Mrs Cartwright.
- Thanks, Will.

214
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,400
She opened the packet herself!

215
00:10:12,122 --> 00:10:13,987
Don't you boys just love it out here?

216
00:10:14,107 --> 00:10:16,538
Sense of freedom you don't get
with other holidays.

217
00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:19,689
Right, we'd best be getting ready, Dad.
Maybe see you later.

218
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,440
I'll be there. Fighting the girls off
with a shitty stick!

219
00:10:23,743 --> 00:10:25,959
I don't think he'll need that stick.

220
00:10:26,121 --> 00:10:28,800
<i>Looking back, I should have realised
that Mr Cartwright's explosive bowels</i>

221
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:30,983
<i>were a sign of things to come.</i>

222
00:10:32,197 --> 00:10:34,018
<i>So the big night was finally here.</i>

223
00:10:34,138 --> 00:10:36,826
<i>The Caravan Club disco
and all its delights of the flesh</i>

224
00:10:36,946 --> 00:10:39,573
<i>lay just inside a giant garden shed.</i>

225
00:10:52,202 --> 00:10:54,766
As predicted, this is shit.

226
00:10:54,886 --> 00:10:56,572
I drove all the way here for this?

227
00:10:56,761 --> 00:10:58,732
It's just getting started.
Give it a minute.

228
00:10:59,190 --> 00:11:00,533
Oh, tune!

229
00:11:11,140 --> 00:11:12,732
He's actually quite good.

230
00:11:13,571 --> 00:11:15,372
I'm gonna get some hummous.

231
00:11:19,213 --> 00:11:22,659
- Your ride for the evening is here.
- Do you really think she'll shag me?

232
00:11:22,779 --> 00:11:24,893
Course. Why else do you think
they come caravanning?

233
00:11:25,053 --> 00:11:25,853
Fresh air?

234
00:11:26,013 --> 00:11:28,372
That text was her way of telling you
it is on.

235
00:11:28,533 --> 00:11:30,151
Shit, amazing.

236
00:11:30,609 --> 00:11:33,578
I feel a bit weird, though, cos
I always thought I'd lose it with Carly.

237
00:11:33,698 --> 00:11:36,016
Listen to me,
that bird Becky's an animal.

238
00:11:36,136 --> 00:11:38,339
She'll fuck you till you're blind
and teach you all sorts.

239
00:11:38,459 --> 00:11:40,789
When Carly finds out,
she's going to be two things:

240
00:11:40,909 --> 00:11:44,293
jealous and wet,
because now she'll know you're a stud.

241
00:11:44,453 --> 00:11:46,228
- You really think so?
- Course.

242
00:11:46,348 --> 00:11:48,009
Carly doesn't really fancy you,

243
00:11:48,129 --> 00:11:49,878
so if you're waiting to lose it
with her,

244
00:11:49,998 --> 00:11:51,749
you're gonna be waiting
until you're dead.

245
00:11:51,869 --> 00:11:53,916
- I think she likes me a bit, though.
- She doesn't.

246
00:11:54,036 --> 00:11:55,293
She thinks you're a twat.

247
00:11:55,453 --> 00:11:57,093
Becky likes you,

248
00:11:57,253 --> 00:12:00,013
and she likes sex.
It's the perfect combination.

249
00:12:00,414 --> 00:12:04,333
- Just don't go for anal straightaway.
- OK. Thanks, man.

250
00:12:04,493 --> 00:12:06,966
No problem.
Look, here they come. Don't worry,

251
00:12:07,086 --> 00:12:10,050
I'll distract Fatty Boom Boom
with the buffet.

252
00:12:11,860 --> 00:12:15,299
<i>So, amazingly, it looked like
Simon might actually pull.</i>

253
00:12:15,571 --> 00:12:18,002
<i>If he could bring himself
to speak to her.</i>

254
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:19,873
<i>As for the rest of us,</i>

255
00:12:20,138 --> 00:12:21,612
<i>I wasn't holding my breath.</i>

256
00:12:23,450 --> 00:12:26,333
I'd imagine it's a sense of freedom
you don't get with other holidays.

257
00:12:26,493 --> 00:12:29,454
- Can I get you some more hummous?
- Delicious, thank you very much.

258
00:12:29,574 --> 00:12:31,333
Why are you talking to the pensioners?

259
00:12:31,701 --> 00:12:35,293
- Just taking the piss.
- What, by eating hummous?

260
00:12:36,744 --> 00:12:39,515
Would you rather eat hummous
or take me somewhere quiet?

261
00:12:39,635 --> 00:12:42,132
I think I'd rather
take you somewhere quiet.

262
00:12:42,323 --> 00:12:43,773
Come over here then.

263
00:12:44,538 --> 00:12:46,328
Sorry, I didn't catch your name.

264
00:12:46,448 --> 00:12:48,972
I'm Will and I like hummous.
There, I've said it.

265
00:12:49,888 --> 00:12:51,396
Will, two things.

266
00:12:51,516 --> 00:12:53,704
For the next few hours,
I don't need you to be charming

267
00:12:53,824 --> 00:12:57,457
or sophisticated or even interesting.
I just need you to be willing.

268
00:12:57,577 --> 00:12:59,325
- Can you handle that?
- I think so.

269
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:01,813
Good. And second, kiss me.

270
00:13:02,326 --> 00:13:03,153
Right.

271
00:13:03,693 --> 00:13:04,457
OK.

272
00:13:08,103 --> 00:13:10,189
- What are you doing?
- I just need a moment.

273
00:13:10,309 --> 00:13:12,450
I'm gonna take you outside
and I want you to fuck me.

274
00:13:12,570 --> 00:13:14,372
- Really?
- Yes, really.

275
00:13:14,534 --> 00:13:16,572
Hang on, we barely know each other.

276
00:13:16,733 --> 00:13:19,587
We should get to know each other first,
shouldn't we?

277
00:13:19,707 --> 00:13:21,831
Come on, we're young,

278
00:13:21,951 --> 00:13:25,767
let's have some fun and then
fall exhausted into each other's arms.

279
00:13:25,887 --> 00:13:27,092
I've got an idea.

280
00:13:27,325 --> 00:13:29,675
Did you ever used to skid as a child?

281
00:13:29,795 --> 00:13:31,240
I used to love it.

282
00:13:31,829 --> 00:13:32,757
Come on!

283
00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:34,333
Let's skid!

284
00:13:38,841 --> 00:13:41,613
Get your shoes off! It's liberating!

285
00:13:44,655 --> 00:13:45,970
Where are you going?

286
00:13:46,090 --> 00:13:47,572
- Don't you want to skid?
- No.

287
00:13:47,733 --> 00:13:51,252
- What about our lovemaking?
- Lovemaking? Gone off it, sorry.

288
00:13:57,414 --> 00:13:58,364
My shoes!

289
00:13:59,466 --> 00:14:01,016
Give me back my shoes!

290
00:14:04,794 --> 00:14:08,173
<i>Somehow, in three minutes
I'd gone from guaranteed sex</i>

291
00:14:08,293 --> 00:14:10,406
<i>to being bullied by eight-year-olds,</i>

292
00:14:10,532 --> 00:14:13,212
<i>and I'm still not entirely sure
how that happened.</i>

293
00:14:17,802 --> 00:14:20,233
- Thought you was coming to the party?
- I was.

294
00:14:20,353 --> 00:14:22,812
I popped my head in the door
and saw you chatting up some fat bird,

295
00:14:22,973 --> 00:14:25,474
- so I didn't want to cramp your style.
- I weren't chatting her up.

296
00:14:25,594 --> 00:14:27,892
I was keeping her busy
while Simon was talking to her mate.

297
00:14:28,053 --> 00:14:31,098
Don't be embarrassed.
If I was as bad with the ladies as you,

298
00:14:31,218 --> 00:14:33,842
I'd have moved on
to the fatties months ago.

299
00:14:33,962 --> 00:14:37,173
- Oh, hello, Mr Cartwright. Jay.
- All right, Will? You got any action?

300
00:14:37,717 --> 00:14:40,693
- Yeah, I pulled a girl, actually.
- Fuck off. No way.

301
00:14:40,993 --> 00:14:43,812
Where is she now, then?
Cleaning up her beaver for you?

302
00:14:44,738 --> 00:14:46,613
No. She went off.

303
00:14:46,773 --> 00:14:49,852
Plenty more fish in the sea.
Jay's harpooned himself a whale.

304
00:14:50,013 --> 00:14:52,879
Give it a rest, Dad.
I already told you, it's not like that.

305
00:14:52,999 --> 00:14:55,846
Yeah, and I told you not to be
so fussy and to get stuck in.

306
00:14:55,966 --> 00:14:58,221
You're more likely
to get somewhere with a fatso,

307
00:14:58,341 --> 00:15:00,221
cos they're grateful for the attention.

308
00:15:00,341 --> 00:15:02,191
Even from a loser like you.

309
00:15:03,014 --> 00:15:04,723
- Dad.
- They say any port in a storm,

310
00:15:04,843 --> 00:15:06,732
and she was the size of a fucking port!

311
00:15:07,192 --> 00:15:08,453
I know what you're up to.

312
00:15:08,613 --> 00:15:11,598
You think, cos she's so massive,
she'll count as two shags.

313
00:15:11,718 --> 00:15:13,068
Well, she doesn't!

314
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:17,286
- I get plenty of girls.
- No, you bloody don't.

315
00:15:17,406 --> 00:15:20,133
And even if you did,
what could you do with that thing?

316
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:22,161
- It's like a McDonald's chip!
- Dad.

317
00:15:22,281 --> 00:15:24,884
You definitely take after your mum
in the cock-size department.

318
00:15:25,004 --> 00:15:28,532
- She ain't got one either!
- Can you just leave me alone for once?

319
00:15:30,132 --> 00:15:31,333
All right, all right.

320
00:15:31,493 --> 00:15:33,044
Bloody hell, he's just like his mum.

321
00:15:33,164 --> 00:15:35,012
Make one little joke
and he has a shit fit!

322
00:15:35,173 --> 00:15:36,013
Fuck this.

323
00:15:41,478 --> 00:15:43,651
Are these the only toilets, then?

324
00:15:48,333 --> 00:15:49,214
Oh, God.

325
00:15:49,334 --> 00:15:52,453
I'd give trap number two a couple
of minutes. I had eggs for lunch.

326
00:16:24,973 --> 00:16:27,412
- Shall we go outside, then?
- Yeah, all right.

327
00:16:30,797 --> 00:16:32,001
Fucking hell!

328
00:16:32,341 --> 00:16:33,773
Is this really happening?

329
00:16:34,467 --> 00:16:36,053
I'm gonna have sex, aren't I?!

330
00:16:36,213 --> 00:16:38,852
At last. Thanks for sorting this, Jay.

331
00:16:39,527 --> 00:16:43,250
- Fill this up for me.
- Thanks so much, mate. Nice one.

332
00:16:50,636 --> 00:16:51,516
Gotcha!

333
00:17:00,906 --> 00:17:03,572
Mr Cartwright,
you seem to be splashing me a bit.

334
00:17:03,877 --> 00:17:06,661
- Who stole your shoes?
- Just some kids.

335
00:17:06,781 --> 00:17:09,131
Kids? You let them get away with that?

336
00:17:09,406 --> 00:17:11,453
Laughing at you while
you're standing in your piss?

337
00:17:11,613 --> 00:17:13,493
I think it's mostly your piss.

338
00:17:13,653 --> 00:17:15,692
Go and get them. Show 'em who's boss.

339
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,273
Yeah, OK, I will.

340
00:17:21,673 --> 00:17:22,972
Better out than in.

341
00:17:24,045 --> 00:17:25,972
I'm going to go now, then.

342
00:17:46,747 --> 00:17:49,725
I'm curious,
are you subversively mocking this place

343
00:17:49,845 --> 00:17:51,600
or are you actually enjoying this hell?

344
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,870
I'm sorry, I have no idea
what you're talking about.

345
00:18:01,827 --> 00:18:03,163
I've ripped my top!

346
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:05,850
God, sorry,
you just turn me on so much.

347
00:18:05,970 --> 00:18:07,620
My parents'll see this.

348
00:18:14,033 --> 00:18:15,980
- What the hell are you doing?!
- It's a condom.

349
00:18:16,340 --> 00:18:18,936
- I thought we should be safe.
- Why've you got a condom on?!

350
00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:21,850
- I'm not going to have sex with you!
- You're not?

351
00:18:21,970 --> 00:18:24,052
- But Jay said...
- Jay said what?

352
00:18:24,214 --> 00:18:25,164
He said...

353
00:18:25,598 --> 00:18:27,813
What? What did Jay say?

354
00:18:36,522 --> 00:18:37,973
How's it feel to be a man, then?

355
00:18:38,133 --> 00:18:39,632
You fucking liar.

356
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:41,806
Shagged her and her sister, have you?

357
00:18:41,926 --> 00:18:43,852
- Loads of times, yeah?
- Untold.

358
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:46,035
Really? Cos she didn't seem that keen,

359
00:18:46,155 --> 00:18:48,296
and her sister's 13 years old.

360
00:18:48,416 --> 00:18:51,260
I haven't actually shagged her
and her sister exactly,

361
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:55,264
- but other similar girls.
- Thanks for the condom. I'll be lucky

362
00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:58,255
if I'm not on some sort of paedophile
register by the end of the night.

363
00:18:58,375 --> 00:19:00,973
Fuck, she's talking to her parents.
We'd better go.

364
00:19:01,093 --> 00:19:02,966
- Where's Neil?
- Don't know and don't care.

365
00:19:03,086 --> 00:19:05,552
Let's get out of here. Will, we're off.

366
00:19:06,053 --> 00:19:07,013
Will, come on.

367
00:19:13,832 --> 00:19:14,533
Prick.

368
00:19:16,192 --> 00:19:18,668
<i>And just when I thought things
couldn't get any worse,</i>

369
00:19:18,788 --> 00:19:20,478
<i>I then had to spend a night in a caravan</i>

370
00:19:20,598 --> 00:19:23,209
<i>with Jay's dad and his irritable bowel.</i>

371
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,615
Thanks very much for your hospitality,
Mrs Cartwright.

372
00:19:27,735 --> 00:19:29,726
- See you soon, Mr Cartwright.
- Cheers, lads.

373
00:19:29,846 --> 00:19:32,538
And Simon,
don't worry about that Becky business.

374
00:19:32,658 --> 00:19:35,710
Her dad's calmed down now.
We were all your age once.

375
00:19:35,830 --> 00:19:38,958
At least you had a pop,
unlike soppy bollocks here.

376
00:19:39,409 --> 00:19:40,975
- Thanks.
- Don't mention it.

377
00:19:41,095 --> 00:19:43,745
Just try not to rape anyone
on the way out!

378
00:19:45,847 --> 00:19:47,778
I don't see why I should ever talk
to you again,

379
00:19:47,898 --> 00:19:49,393
let alone give you a lift home.

380
00:19:49,513 --> 00:19:51,425
You're just angry
because you didn't get laid.

381
00:19:51,504 --> 00:19:53,413
- That's it.
- Let's just get out of this dump,

382
00:19:53,533 --> 00:19:57,285
and please God, don't let me ever have
to come back to a caravan park.

383
00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:58,972
- All right?
- Where have you been?

384
00:19:59,134 --> 00:20:02,333
I slept in the car.
Shall we go then? Shotgun.

385
00:20:09,970 --> 00:20:12,163
- My seat's a bit wet.
- Mine is, too.

386
00:20:12,283 --> 00:20:13,749
Yeah, it's wet here as well.

387
00:20:13,869 --> 00:20:15,693
Neil, did you wet yourself
in my new car?

388
00:20:15,853 --> 00:20:17,368
It's not really new.

389
00:20:17,908 --> 00:20:19,612
- Did you wet yourself?
- No.

390
00:20:19,773 --> 00:20:21,414
But I did have a bird back in here.

391
00:20:21,534 --> 00:20:24,416
- You fucked a girl in my car?!
- No, it's too small.

392
00:20:24,536 --> 00:20:28,186
Did a lot of fingering, though.
She wanked me off a few times.

393
00:20:28,637 --> 00:20:29,373
God!

394
00:20:29,799 --> 00:20:31,302
Get me out of here!

395
00:20:35,848 --> 00:20:36,573
Neil!

396
00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:41,133
- Bloody hell!
- Disgusting.

397
00:20:42,477 --> 00:20:43,628
Thanks, Neil!

398
00:20:43,748 --> 00:20:46,665
- Who was she, then?
- Some sort of punky redhead.

399
00:20:46,785 --> 00:20:48,835
- She was nice.
- She was mine!

400
00:20:49,096 --> 00:20:52,101
- Oh, God.
- We can't stay here.

401
00:20:52,221 --> 00:20:53,977
I'm not getting back in the spunkmobile.

402
00:20:54,097 --> 00:20:55,813
- Clean it up, Neil.
- Why?

403
00:20:55,973 --> 00:20:58,092
Because you have spunked on my seats!

404
00:20:58,348 --> 00:21:02,040
Oh, God,
this weekend has been a disaster.

405
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:05,225
One good thing is we've learned
the Caravan Club is shit

406
00:21:05,345 --> 00:21:08,163
- and that Jay is a liar.
- I'm such a liar?

407
00:21:08,283 --> 00:21:09,665
That Neil got some?

408
00:21:09,785 --> 00:21:11,612
- Neil got some.
- You lied.

409
00:21:11,773 --> 00:21:13,972
- Clean it up, Neil.
- It's your car.

410
00:21:14,157 --> 00:21:17,012
- It's your spunk!
- Some of it could be her juice.

411
00:21:17,132 --> 00:21:18,934
- Did Neil get any?
- That's not the point.

412
00:21:19,054 --> 00:21:21,132
- Yes or no, did Neil get some?
- You lie.

413
00:21:21,293 --> 00:21:23,532
- And I want petrol money.
- For what?

414
00:21:23,723 --> 00:21:26,013
For petrol! Money for petrol.

415
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:30,092
<i>I'm not sure what we learned
from this sorry episode,</i>

416
00:21:30,254 --> 00:21:32,092
<i>apart from,
never take advice from Jay...</i>

417
00:21:32,253 --> 00:21:34,053
- But Jay said...
- Jay said what?

418
00:21:34,473 --> 00:21:36,984
<i>When you are offered sex, don't skid...</i>

419
00:21:37,910 --> 00:21:41,453
<i>and never, never follow
Mr Cartwright into the toilet.</i>

420
00:21:41,613 --> 00:21:43,133
My eyes are burning!

421
00:21:43,293 --> 00:21:47,292
<i>But as we stood arguing on the side
of the A2, one thing was for sure.</i>

422
00:21:47,412 --> 00:21:50,012
<i>Neil can produce
an unholy amount of spunk.</i>

423
00:21:50,300 --> 00:21:53,293
- And I want this cleaned now.
- No, it's in your car, so it's yours.

424
00:21:54,117 --> 00:21:57,440
So if I spunk on you,
that's yours, is it?

425
00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:59,882
- No.
- You are fucking disgusting.

426
00:22:00,305 --> 00:23:00,815
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