(Theme music playing)
Michael! D'oh! God! Dwight, come on!
I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing...
There's no downsizing. Ai'ight.
But if there were, I'd be protected
as assistant regional manager?
(Sighs) Assistant to the regional manager, Dwight.
Look. Yeah, so I don't have to worry, right?
Look, look, look...
I talked to corporate
about protecting the sales staff,
and they said they couldn't guarantee it
if there's downsizing, okay?
But, there's no downsizing, so just don't...
Bottom line, do I need to be worried?
Mmm, mmm, mmm, maybe.
Michael: It looks like there's gonna be downsizing.
And it's part of my job, but... blech.
I... I hate it.
I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump
is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words,
"you're fired."
(Imitating trump) "You're fired."
"Uh, you're fired."
He just makes people sad,
and an office can't function that way.
No way. "You're fired."
I think if I had a catchphrase,
it would be, "you're hired.
"And you can work here as long as you want."
But, that's unrealistic, so...
Dwight: It's a real shame
'cause studies have shown that more information
gets passed through water cooler gossip
than through official memos.
Which puts me at a disadvantage because...
I bring my own water to work.
Why'd you do this? I didn't do it.
What do you mean?
Oh, the water cooler was brought over here
for...
Maintenance.
So, what do you guys hear?
What's the scuttlebutt?
Get set for operation morale improvement
starring Michael Scott.
Now, I think I've had a little stroke of genius,
in that I have had my assistant, Pam...
Smile, Pam.
I have had her go out and find out whose birthday
is coming up,
so we can have a little celebration for them.
Notbad! Not bad at all!
All right! And the birthday person is...
Drum roll please... (Tapping rhythmically)
Who is it? Who's the person
with the birthday? Um, actually, we don't have any staff birthdays coming up.
Next person on the, uh, calendar.
Okay, um, that would be Meredith.
Yes! All right!
Come on down, Meredith! But it's not until next month.
(Sighs) Um. Uh, okay.
Well, great. Well, you know, it'll be a surprise.
You still want to have a party?
Yeah. Why not? Sure. Go ahead.
Live a little. Come on, Pam.
Come on. Shake it up. Shake it up.
Shake it up!
(Imitates Star Trek communicator trill)
Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there?
Well, let me check, captain.
(Imitates device beeping)
No captain, no signs of life down here.
Just a wet blanket named Pam.
(Laughs)
(Imitates Star Trek communicator trill)
Star Trek...
Well, for decorations, maybe we could...
It's stupid, forget it.
What?
Well, I was just gonna say
maybe we could have streamers,
but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.
No, yeah, I think that's a good idea.
What color do you guys think?
Well, there's green...
Uh, blue...
Yellow, red...
How about green?
I think green is kind of whoreish.
Pam: This was tough.
I suggested we flip a coin,
but Angela said she doesn't like to gamble.
Of course, by saying that,
she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.
These are my party-planning bee-otches.
Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook!
Michael: So I was thinking, if you haven't already gotten
a cake, um, maybe go in
for one of those ice cream cakes from baskin Robbins.
They're very good. Very delicious.
Meredith's allergic to dairy, so...
She's not the only one that's going to be eating it, right?
And I think everybody likes ice cream cake.
It's not, uh... Not just about her, so...
It is her birthday... Mint chocolate chip!
Would be good. How about some mint chocolate chip?
Hey.
So, listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea
if you and I formed an alliance.
'Cause of the downsizing.
I think an alliance might be a good idea.
You know, help each other out.
Do you want to form an alliance with me?
Absolutely, I do.
Good, good, excellent.
Okay, now we need to figure out
who's vulnerable and who's protected. There may be...
At that moment, I was just so happy.
I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.
Did you get your tickets?
To what?
The gun show.
(Laughs softly)
And I spend hours
thinking of ways to get back at him,
but only in ways that would get me arrested.
And then here he comes and he says,
"no, Jim, here's a way."
And there's one other thing, and this is important.
Let's keep this alliance totally a secret.
(Whispers) Yeah.
Don't tell anyone.
An alliance? Jim: Oh, yeah.
What does that even mean?
I think it has something to do with survivor, but I'm not sure.
(Laughs)
I know that it involves spying on people,
and we may build a fort in accounting...
Jim. Hey. Hey. Hi, Pam.
Listen, could I talk to you for a second
about the paper products?
Did you tell Pam about the alliance?
What? No... just now!
Oh, no, no, no, no. Dwight, no.
I'm using her, for the alliance.
Jim: Who knows the most information about this office? Pam.
Right. That's good. Good. Pursue this.
Well, I'm trying to. Mmm-hmm.
Do you see what I'm doing? Mmm-hmm.
But listen, I'm gonna have to talk to her a lot. All right?
And there may be chatting and giggling.
And you gotta just pretend to ignore it.
Wipe it away. Done.
All right.
(Sighs)
Can you get her? She's right there. That is Meredith.
The birthday girl.
And this is Meredith's card.
"Happy bird-day."
(Laughs)
Um, let's see. Jim.
Jim wrote, "Meredith, I heard you're turning 46.
"But, come on,
"you're an accountant, just fudge the numbers."
Not bad. Pretty funny.
I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud, though.
Uh, here's the thing.
Whatever I write here
has to be really, really funny.
Because people out there are expecting it.
I've already set the bar really high.
And they're all worried about their jobs, you know?
It's kinda dark out there.
Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh,
"oh, Meredith. Um, happy birthday.
"You're great. Love, Michael."
(Scoffs)
(Imitates gagging and retching)
(Laughs)
Yeah. They seem awfully chummy, don't you think?
What do you think that's about?
Only one way to find out.
I'm on it.
You are not going to believe this. What? I believe it.
Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.
I could tell from the body language.
Hey, that looks good. What is that, Turkey?
Kevin: Italian.
Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow.
You got the works there.
Red onion, provolone. Yeah.
Jim: Toby and Kevin, the y're trying to get Angela kicked off.
Good. Let 'em. That's fine. It helps our cause.
Well, I don't know.
Becauseifkevufs "taccounfing, yeah_.
And Toby's in human resources, and they're talking?
(Sighs) They're forming an alliance.
I love their sandwiches.
Ilovetheu sandwiches, too.
Yeah, their bread's really good.
Their bread is very good.
Damn it! God! (Frustrated grunting)
(Car alarm blaring)
Okay, listen.
We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance,
and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
God damn it! Why us?
Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.
Michael: Meredith, Meredith.
Mary... Mary had a little lamb.
Mary... Meredith had a little lamb.
Don't bring that lamb to work, or it'll poop on the floor...
(Door knocks) Hey! Oscar.
Come on in, what's up? Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.
Oh, not at all. Come on in. What's goin' on?
My nephew is involved with, um, a charity
mmm-hmm. For cerebral palsy.
And I was wondering if maybe you'd like to...
You know...
What? Uh, donate to the charity.
Oh, god. Of course I would.
(Scoffs) Get it over here!
Get that over here. Thank you.
You know, I'm always good for some serious buckage.
Wow. Two dollars? Three dollars?
People out here do not care about diseases.
I'm going to give you $25.
That's... that's... That's very generous.
Oh, my gosh. Well, listen, Oscar.
Generosity, and togetherness,
and community,
all convalescences into morale.
That's what I say, so... (Clicks tongue)
Hey, Jim. Can I talk to you for a second?
Sure. What's up?
Um, I don't know. I'm just, like, going a little crazy.
'Cause I keep overhearing all of these conversations
between Michael and corporate
about, like, staff issues.
Yeah. Oh, no.
He's making me take notes on these meetings,
and I'm like, "these people are my friends," right.
But he's all like, "this is confidential, you can't tell anybody."
But I don't know, I just feel like I wanna... (Imitates retching)
Just promise me you're not gonna say anything?
I will not... I'm not gonna tell anybody.
Okay. This is between you and me.
Pam: Yeah.
Jackpot
Jim: That was beautiful.
All her idea, too.
Awesome. She's so great.
Meredith. Bad breath. Meredith has bad breath.
(Door opens)
Hey. Hey.
You wanted to see me?
Uh, yeah. What do you know about Meredith?
I don't think she'd be missed.
There's not going to be downsizing, Dwight, okay?
I just... I need to know a little bit more about
my friend.
Name, Meredith Palmer.
Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids.
Uh, employer, dunder Mifflin paper, inc.
Awards, multiple dundies...
I know all that. I know... I know all that.
Ijust_lneed something kind of embarrassing, you know?
Kinda fun, inside...
She had a hysterectomy.
Which one is that again?
It's where they remove the uterus.
Oh, god, Dwight, no!
I'm trying to write something funny here, okay?
What am I gonna do with a removed uterus?
It could be kind of funny.
You know what? I am on a deadline here.
And, just... okay.
Thanks. Thanks for your help. I'm...
I'll work it out. Thank you, Dwight.
That wasn't a waste of time.
Okay, here's the deal. All right?
Pam says that one of the alliances
is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday party.
Oh, my god, we have to be there. I know.
But it's gonna be a little tough,
because there's no good place to hide down there.
No, no, yes there is. Behind the shelves... oh, my god.
What, what, what? I know.
I know... I know exactly what to do. Great.
Dwight: I'm a deer hunter.
I go all the time with my dad.
One thing about deer, they have very good vision.
One thing about me,
I'm better at hiding than they are at vision.
This is gonna be perfect, okay?
Centrally located. Perfect cover.
I can hear and see everything.
Good.
Michael. Just a sec.
Are you done yet? Almost there. Just a second.
It is perfect. Thank you. Excellent.
Here we go. It is time. Thank you.
Okay! Come on, let's go!
Get the cake! Here we go. Come on, come on, come on!
Shh! Be quiet!
Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open.
So, tape it down. I can't do that.
Then you won't be able to breathe.
Look, I can breathe just fine, okay?
But if it makes you feel better,
I'll poke holes in the box.
Thank you. Thank you. Okay.
(Door opens)
Surprise!
Oh! Surprise!
No, it's a...
It's surprise, Meredith!
One, two...
All: (Singing) Happy birthday to you
find the key.
All: Happy birthday...
So, you want me to stay here
and, you know, stand next to the box, or...
No! You need to go upstairs to the party
so people don't notice that we're both gone.
Right. That's good.
Can I trust Jim? I don't know.
Do I have a choice? No. Frankly, I don't.
Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim?
You tell me.
Staff: (Continue singing) Happy birthday, dear Meredith
happy birthday to you
Michael: And many more
(indistinct chattering)
You were surprised, weren't you?
Yes. You looked freaked, man.
We said, "surprise," and you were, like, "what?
"What the hell's goin' on here?"
(Chuckles awkwardly)
Good cake. Why don't you have some?
I... I can't, um.
Come on. A little bit. A little bit.
No, no, I can't eat dairy.
Oh, right. Oh, god. Too bad, it's so good.
Yeah, it makes me sick.
You know what? If I were allergic to dairy,
I think I'd kill myself.
'Cause this is way, way too good.
Pam: He's in a box?
Jim: Pam, he's in a box.
He's downstairs in a box
on the floor near the shelves.
(Laughs) I'm serious. Go down there.
And work your magic... (Chuckles)
Pam: Hey, where are you?
Yeah, we were supposed to meet here.
What?
Oh, my gosh!
That ties in perfectly
with something that Michael was telling me earlier.
I just don't know what some of the people
in, hke, accounfing, are gonna do.
It said specifically that...
(Dwight grunts)
Hey, Jim. Good party, huh?
Just a little something iwhipped up, you know,
a little morale boost. Yeah?
No big deal.
Speaking of which, I meant to tell you.
Very impressive.
The, uh, donation you gave to Oscar's charity.
What was that, 25 bucks?
Yeah, well, you know, money isn't everything, Jim.
It's not the key to happiness.
You know what is?
Joy.
You should remember that.
Maybe you'd give more than $3.00 next time. (Chuckles)
Yeah, well, $3.00 a mile is going to end up being, like, 50 bucks.
So... god, (scoffs) I can't even calculate
what you're gonna have to give.
Is Oscar around?
I just thought it was a,
kind of a flat, you know, $25
one-time donation.
I didn't think it was a per-mile kinda deal,
you know, so...
Well, that's what a walk-a-thon is. I know...
It says it right on the sheet. Mmm-hmm.
Look. Look at the sheet.
It says it's however many dollars per mile. Right.
Got it. Yes. So, it does.
I just think it's kind of cheap
to "undonate" money to a charity.
No.no, nd no, no, no.
I... iwasn't... that wasn't what I was... no.
I... it's not about the money.
It's just... it... (Sighs)
It's the ethics of the thing, Oscar.
How's your nephew?
Yeah. Isheingoodshape?
How many miles did he do last year?
Lastyean he walked 18 miles.
Son of a bitch.
That is impressive! Good for him.
Happy birthday, Meredith.
Michael: Read it out loud.
And say who wrote everything,
so we know whose is the best.
"Happy bird-day." (All chuckle)
"Meredith, good news.
"You're not actually a year older,
"because you work here, where time stands still."
(All chuckle)
I don't know about that...
Meredith: That was Stanley.
"Meredith, happy birthday.
"You're the best, love, Pam."
All: Aw.
(Imitates gagging and retching)
Thanks, downer. (Scoffs)
Meredith: This is from Michael.
"Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing
"that happens to you
"is that someone downsizes your age."
Because of the downsizing.
Rumors.
And because you're gettin' old.
Meredith: No...
I get it. It's funny. (Michael chuckling)
You didn't get the joke.
So, that's cool.
That's... you know what? Actually, I have a bunch of these.
Good ones that I didn't use.
Um, oh, where's that, uh...
Oh, okay, here's a good one.
Um, "hey, Meredith, Liz Taylor called.
"She wants her age back and her divorces back."
'Cause Meredith's been divorced, like, twice? Is that right?
Uh, you're right.
Michael: Did I get that right? Okay. Right.
Yes. Divorce.
Um, oh, okay.
"Meredith is so old..."
How old is she?
Well, if everybody could do it. Everybody...
"Meredith is so old..."
All: How old is she?
"She's so old,
"she went into an antique store
"and they kept her."
Michael: Well, that wasn't even mine.
I got that off the Internet website.
So, don't getmadatme. Uhm
nice party, Michael.
This isn't my fault.
Um, ladies,
not your best effort.
The streamers?
I think we could have done better than that, don't you think?
Phyllis wanted red. I didn't.
Oh, boy, you...
Okay, wait, all right, people,
hold on, hold on, hold on just a second, okay?
I think we're losing sight of what is really important here.
And, that is that we are...
A group of people
who work together.
I was... I really wasn't gonna flaunt this.
I have made a very sizeable donation
to Oscar's nephew's...
Walk-a-thon.
$25.
Per mile. Per mile, yes.
When I retire, I...
I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere.
I want to be the guy who gives everything back.
A check for the kids.
And for the team.
I want it to be like,
"hey, who donated that hospital wing
"that is saving so many lives?"
"Uh, well, I don't... I don't know.
"It was anonymous."
"Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott."
"But, uh, it was anonymous,
"how do you know?"
"Because I'm him."
Thank you, Michael.
Michael: Come here.
Don't cash that unfianday, okay?
Yeah. Really? Today?
Huh.
Happy birthday. Thanks.
Huh. I could say something...
Don't do that. Okay.
Okay, okay. I have something that totally tops the box!
Oh, tell me! Tell me! Okay.
Ihavejust convinced Dwight
that he needs to go to stamford,
and spy on our other branch. No, no, no. (Laughing)
Jim: But before he does so,
I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.
(Continues laughing)
If we can get him to drive to Connecticut
and put peroxide in his hair...
(Door opens) Roy: What the hell is this?
What, are you trying to cop a feel or somethin', Halpert?
No, dude, no_. Dude, no, lwasjust... hey! Hey!
Jim: Listen. Whoa. Pam: Hold on.
God, I don't even... I don't even know how to explain this.
Um, uh...
Dwight asked me to be in an alliance.
(Laughs) And, then, um, um, we were...
We've just been messing with him,
uh, because of the whole alliance thing.
It's just office pranks.
It's stupid. It's just office pranks.
An alliance? What the hell's he talking about?
I have absolutely no idea.
Roy: Come on.
Dwight: Do I feel bad about betraying Jim?
Not at all.
That's the game.
Convince him we 're in an alliance,
get some information, throw him to the wolves.
That's politics, baby.
Get what you can out of someone,
then crush them.
I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.