1 00:00:06,131 --> 00:00:07,883 Karen: So, do you want to see it or not? 2 00:00:07,966 --> 00:00:11,303 I don't know. Theyte, hke, Friday night crowds... 3 00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:13,764 Oh, my god. You're, like, agoraphobic. 4 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,224 Agoraphobic? Yeah. 5 00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:16,683 Really. Yeah. 6 00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:19,770 You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game 7 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,064 than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend. 8 00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:23,899 Absolutely correct. Later, Jim. 9 00:00:23,982 --> 00:00:25,567 Kev, have a good weekend. Yeah, sure. 10 00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:28,004 Okay, so this is what's gonna happen. 11 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,947 You're going to suck it up. Here we go. 12 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,406 And we're gonna go to dinner. Okay. 13 00:00:31,490 --> 00:00:33,218 And then ete gonnagotothernowes. Soundsgood. 14 00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:34,535 Hey, Halpert. 15 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,246 Hey. 16 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,001 (Karen screaming) Roy! Roy! 17 00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:44,086 (Screaming) 18 00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:45,754 God! 19 00:00:45,837 --> 00:00:46,838 (Grunts) 20 00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:49,216 (Jim coughing) 21 00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:54,555 Pam, please call security. 22 00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:57,224 Every day for eight years, 23 00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:59,027 I have brought pepper spray into this office 24 00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:01,853 to protect myself and my fellow employees. 25 00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:04,189 And every day, for eight years, 26 00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:05,774 people have laughed at me. 27 00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:08,235 Well, who's laughing now? 28 00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:47,274 No need for consternation. Everything is under control. 29 00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:49,237 Jan: Michael, last Friday, one of your employees 30 00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:51,320 attacked another employee in your office. 31 00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:53,447 It was a crime of passion, jan. 32 00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:55,532 Not a disgruntled employee. 33 00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:57,826 Everyone here is extremely gruntled. 34 00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:00,203 Is Toby there? 35 00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:02,497 I'm here, jan. 36 00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:04,583 What is the situation, Toby? 37 00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:06,918 Well, we fired Roy, obviously. 38 00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:10,213 And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company. 39 00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:11,715 Yeah. Thank god. 40 00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:13,958 But now, apparently, Darryl has some issue with this... 41 00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:17,262 No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months, 42 00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:20,098 and he'sjust using this Roy thing as leverage. 43 00:02:20,182 --> 00:02:21,683 Well, are you gonna take care of this? 44 00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:22,934 Yeppers. 45 00:02:23,018 --> 00:02:25,228 What did I tell you about "yeppers"? 46 00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:28,482 I don't remember. 47 00:02:28,565 --> 00:02:30,984 I told you not to say it. Do you remember that? 48 00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:32,527 Yesh. 49 00:02:36,114 --> 00:02:38,367 Pam: I really don't want to talk about it. 50 00:02:38,950 --> 00:02:40,494 I don't mean to be rude. 51 00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:43,872 But I just, I don't want to comment on what happened. 52 00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:47,542 Itsucked. 53 00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:55,175 I guess all things considered, 54 00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:58,136 I was lucky Dwight was there. 55 00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:01,973 And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray, 56 00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:04,601 and not the nunchakus or the throwing stars. 57 00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:15,195 Hey, man, I never got a chance to thank you for stopping Roy. 58 00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:17,823 Thank you. 59 00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:19,991 "Thank you" not necessary and thus not accepted. 60 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:22,828 I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded. 61 00:03:23,995 --> 00:03:25,038 Okay. 62 00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:29,042 Got you something. 63 00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:30,377 Don't want it. 64 00:03:30,585 --> 00:03:31,920 You don't know what it is. 65 00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:34,273 Don't want it, won't open it, don't need it, won't take it. 66 00:03:34,297 --> 00:03:37,092 Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens. 67 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:45,934 It was a little glass display case for his bobblehead. 68 00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:49,146 That would have made his evening, I think. 69 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:52,107 He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. 70 00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:54,651 Even-Steven. 71 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:56,778 No, don't call me a hero. 72 00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:58,989 Do you know who the real heroes are? 73 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,116 The guys who wake up every morning 74 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,368 and go into their normal jobs, 75 00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:05,412 and get a distress call from the commissioner 76 00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:07,622 and take off their glasses and change into capes 77 00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:09,750 and fly around fighting crime. 78 00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,543 Those are the real heroes. 79 00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,837 Angela, Roy's check. 80 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,881 He's coming in later to pick it up. 81 00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:19,050 Man, lcannotbeheve I missed the fight. 82 00:04:19,134 --> 00:04:20,552 It was crazy. Man. 83 00:04:20,635 --> 00:04:22,262 You saw it? 84 00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:24,431 Describe it, please. 85 00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:27,684 Well... 86 00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:32,022 I heard some shouting, and I look over and Roy's by reception, 87 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,441 and you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody. 88 00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:38,570 Jim says something, Roy stops over there, all of a sudden, bam, 89 00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:41,573 Roy goes down and Dwight's standing there like an action hero. 90 00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:44,576 It was insane. 91 00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:49,790 Well, good for Dwight. 92 00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:53,543 Okay, I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise 93 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:56,755 because I need to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you. 94 00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:57,923 Where'd you get that? 95 00:04:58,006 --> 00:04:59,049 Wikipedia. 96 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,635 Wikipedia is the best thing ever. 97 00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:07,140 Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, 98 00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:11,436 so you know you are getting the best possible information. 99 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,314 Okay, Darryl, ask me for a raise. 100 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,858 Hey, Mike, since Roy left I've been doing 101 00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,819 a lot more work and I need a raise. 102 00:05:18,902 --> 00:05:20,821 Well, that's interesting, Darryl. 103 00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:24,574 I think that maybe you should... 104 00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:27,536 (Michael mumbles) 105 00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:32,916 Can't hear you. 106 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:35,252 What I'm saying is that... 107 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,170 (Mumbles) 108 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:40,841 Still nothing. 109 00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:42,384 Okay. See what I did? 110 00:05:43,552 --> 00:05:46,638 By leaning back and by whispering, 111 00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:49,641 I established a dominant physical position. 112 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:51,685 Nice. 113 00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:53,103 Okay, let's try another one. 114 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:54,437 Okay. 115 00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:56,815 Walking out of the room unexpectedly. 116 00:05:56,898 --> 00:05:58,483 And what happens in this one? 117 00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,527 That's a surprise. Okay. 118 00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,362 Go ahead, ask me for a raise. 119 00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:03,989 Can I have a raise? 120 00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:09,619 Sex. Steve Martin. Teri hatcher. 121 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,371 What? What? 122 00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:13,665 Well, what did you say? 123 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,668 I didn't say anything. I was waiting to see what would happen. 124 00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:17,836 No, it's... 125 00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:21,923 It sounded interesting, what you were gonna... 126 00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:25,468 I saw the perpetrator advance towards the victim at a high rate of speed. 127 00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:27,971 His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked, 128 00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:29,931 indicating an attack position. 129 00:06:30,015 --> 00:06:31,766 Perp grabbed the victim. 130 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,604 I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place. 131 00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:36,771 Which is where? 132 00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:37,856 Irrelevant. 133 00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:40,859 Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter 134 00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:45,238 into the perpetrator's eyes, nose and face area, 135 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:49,618 rendering him utterly and completely disabled. 136 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,370 Then I contacted the authorities. 137 00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:55,040 The end. 138 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:57,959 Thanks, Dwight. 139 00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:01,087 That is the bravest thing I have ever heard. 140 00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:03,256 I can't imagine what I would have done. 141 00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:04,549 I can. 142 00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:06,593 You would have left me to fend for myself. 143 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,279 Like the time we were on the Ferris wheel, 144 00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:10,239 and that kid dropped a milkshake on me and you just laughed. 145 00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,490 Well, that was funny. That's why. 146 00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:12,599 Oh, it was? 147 00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:15,244 Okay, well, the next time that you get scared that you think a murderer 148 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,370 is in your apartment in the middle of the night, 149 00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:17,455 and you call me to calm you down... 150 00:07:17,479 --> 00:07:18,480 Okay, you know what, I... 151 00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:19,916 Could you stop? ...You can just call somebody else 152 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,626 because I'm not going to do it anymore, Ryan. I'm not. 153 00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:23,085 Well, don't talk to me about calling... 154 00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:24,503 There's a bunch of people back here. 155 00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:26,047 I call you in the middle of the night... guys. 156 00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:27,322 To tell you that I love you. 157 00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:33,370 I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. 158 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,538 But if he did intend that... 159 00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:37,582 Wow. 160 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,001 Genius. 161 00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:41,336 (Knock on door) Yeah? 162 00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:42,587 You ready for me? 163 00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:45,882 Yes, yeah. Absolutely. Have a seat. 164 00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:49,427 You know what, actually, let's go into the conference room. 165 00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:50,512 Okay. 166 00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:52,639 No, you know what, let's stay here. 167 00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,100 Let's go. 168 00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:58,395 Yeah, let's go to the conference room. 169 00:08:00,939 --> 00:08:02,440 Tactic number six. 170 00:08:02,774 --> 00:08:05,777 Change the location of the meeting at the last second. 171 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,654 Totally throws them off. 172 00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:21,167 Number 14, declining to speak first. 173 00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,921 Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control. 174 00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:46,067 I am declining to speak first. 175 00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:50,071 Okay, I'll start. It's pretty simple, really. 176 00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:52,407 I think I deserve a raise. 177 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,451 I'm scheduled to get one in six months, 178 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,536 but I'd like that to be moved up to now. 179 00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:03,752 Darryl, you are 180 00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:07,130 a good worker and a good man. 181 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:10,967 I just... You know, times are tight, 182 00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:14,554 and I just don't think corporate's 183 00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:16,389 going to go for this right now. 184 00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:18,892 Are you wearing lady clothes? 185 00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:20,643 What? 186 00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:24,606 Are you wearing lady clothes? Those look like lady pants. 187 00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:27,901 No. This is a power suit. 188 00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:29,569 That there is a woman's suit. 189 00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:33,114 I do not buy women's clothes. 190 00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,116 Do not make that mistake again. 191 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,451 I'm going to call Roy, man. 192 00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:37,952 Okay. All right. 193 00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:39,388 This is going to make him feel better. 194 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:40,789 This is too good. All right. 195 00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:43,625 You know what, Pam, would you please 196 00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:45,960 tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit? 197 00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:48,338 Oh, my god. That's a woman's suit. 198 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,256 You're wearing a woman's suit? 199 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,884 I do... I wear men's suits. Okay? 200 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,385 I got this out of a bin. 201 00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:56,054 There were these huge bins of clothes, 202 00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:58,556 and everybody was riffling through them like crazy. 203 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,600 And I grabbed one. 204 00:10:01,976 --> 00:10:03,103 And it fit. 205 00:10:03,186 --> 00:10:07,690 So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. 206 00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:10,068 At the very least, it's bisexual. 207 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:11,778 Who makes it? 208 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,782 (Michael reading) 209 00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:19,452 It is mysterious, because the buttons are on the wrong side. 210 00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:20,662 That's the mystery. 211 00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:22,848 Look, it's got shoulder pads. And did you see that lining? 212 00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:23,998 Okay. Did you see that? 213 00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:25,166 Would you stop it, please? 214 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:26,960 So none of that tipped you off? 215 00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:29,504 It's European, okay? It's a European cut. 216 00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:31,631 Michael, the pants don't have any pockets. 217 00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:33,675 No, they don't, see? 218 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,261 Italians don't wear pockets. 219 00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:38,763 It's been a really rough couple of days. 220 00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:42,517 This helps a little. 221 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,228 Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet? 222 00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:48,356 No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway. 223 00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:50,358 Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton. 224 00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:52,193 Let's just do this in 15. 225 00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:54,362 Okay, can you stand right there for one second? 226 00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:55,989 I got to send some e-mails. 227 00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:58,658 Negotiations are all about controlling things, 228 00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:01,035 about being in the driver's seat. 229 00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:05,456 And you make one tiny mistake, you're dead. 230 00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:07,667 I made one tiny mistake. 231 00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:10,211 I wore women's clothes. 232 00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:18,511 So, Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass 233 00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:20,305 over another woman? 234 00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:23,266 I feel great, Kevin. Thank you. 235 00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,852 You must have been scared out of your mind. 236 00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:27,562 Well, you know, it happened so fast, 237 00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:29,772 I didn't really have time to be scared. 238 00:11:30,273 --> 00:11:32,192 What happened, exactly? 239 00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:36,029 I wasn't here. So I haven't really heard the whole story. 240 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,365 Well, Jim and iwere talking. 241 00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:42,577 And Roy walked in, looking super angry. 242 00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:45,330 And he's a big dude, you know? 243 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:48,166 And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way 244 00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:50,043 and Roy cocked his fist. 245 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,252 And then? 246 00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:54,631 And then, bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt. 247 00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:57,800 Goodness. 248 00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:01,221 When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, 249 00:12:01,304 --> 00:12:05,266 my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. 250 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,769 Roy just attacked him. 251 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,521 I'm not sure which one Jim hated more. 252 00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,315 Let's get down to business. 253 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,526 Why don't you tell me why you think you deserve a raise. 254 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:16,903 Well, it's simple, Mike. 255 00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:19,155 I mean, we merged these two branches, right? 256 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:22,283 So now we're shipping twice as many orders as we used to. 257 00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,661 And with Roy gone, we've got a smaller crew. 258 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,454 And I'm picking up all of his slack, 259 00:12:26,537 --> 00:12:29,874 so I think I should be compensated fairly by getting a raise. 260 00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,126 Well, those are very good points. 261 00:12:32,502 --> 00:12:34,170 What? I can't hear you. 262 00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:36,589 Those are very good points. 263 00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:38,800 I can't... What, Mike? Are you... 264 00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:43,554 You make a very compelling argument. 265 00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:52,272 Sorry I almost got you killed. 266 00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:53,481 Yeah. 267 00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,233 That was nuts. 268 00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:59,737 He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. 269 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:07,745 It's just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. 270 00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,623 I mean, what I was thinking, right? 271 00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:15,712 No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection. 272 00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:20,466 Not anymore. It's completely over now. 273 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:23,803 We'll see. 274 00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:27,765 I'm sure you guys will find your way back to one another someday. 275 00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:28,933 Pam: Jim. 276 00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:32,979 I am really sorry. 277 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:35,898 Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it. 278 00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:40,903 I'm going to give you a piece of paper. 279 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:43,614 I want you to write down how much you want. 280 00:13:43,698 --> 00:13:46,743 Then I want you to slide it back across the desk to me. 281 00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:49,954 Why can't I just tell you? 282 00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:55,001 Because that is the way these things are done in films. 283 00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:01,090 Now slide it. Yes. 284 00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,300 There you go. 285 00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:08,348 Oh, come on. Be serious. 286 00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:10,516 I am serious, Mike. That's a 10-percent raise. 287 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,477 That's what I want. I can't give you that. 288 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,103 I don't make this much. 289 00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:15,772 Come on, be for real, Mike. 290 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:19,359 I don't. I'll prove it to you. 291 00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,320 There is a pay stub. 292 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,868 Are you serious? You're earning this? 293 00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,078 Plus perks. Yes. 294 00:14:30,161 --> 00:14:32,330 Mike, this is barely more than I make. 295 00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:34,165 You've been here ten years, dawg. 296 00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:35,583 (Darryl laughing) 297 00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:37,168 Fourteen years. 298 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:38,878 No, please, please don't. 299 00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:42,507 I'm sorry, Mike. Some mofos got to hear about this one. 300 00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,676 Okay. Let's take 15 again. 301 00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:48,805 A boss' salary isn't just about money. 302 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,099 It is about perks. It... 303 00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:54,769 For example, every year I get a $100 gas card. 304 00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:57,814 Can't put a price tag on that. 305 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:02,026 Okay. If you don't want a gift, at least let me 306 00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:04,153 buy you a beer or lunch or something. 307 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:07,532 When Han Solo returns to the death star in the millennium falcon, 308 00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:10,451 and shoots down the tie fighters and saves the rebel cause, 309 00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,912 do you think he does so for a free beer? 310 00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:14,872 Boy, I... no. 311 00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:16,892 And why are you so interested in buying me something, Jim? 312 00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,584 What's your angle? 313 00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:22,314 It's like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him 314 00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:24,715 to get him back, he never sees it coming. 315 00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:26,134 But now I want to be nice to him 316 00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:27,510 and actually give him something, 317 00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:28,719 and he's like an eel. 318 00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:31,472 I just can't grab onto him. It's infuriating. 319 00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:35,268 Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks. 320 00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:39,605 Yes. That's probably what it is. 321 00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:41,232 So what do I do? 322 00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:43,526 I don't know. 323 00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,194 Maybe you should go back out there 324 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,447 and sell paper so we can go on a trip. 325 00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:53,161 Michael? Here's the $15 I owe you. 326 00:15:53,244 --> 00:15:54,287 Yeah. Thank you. 327 00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:56,539 I heard you might need it, so... 328 00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:01,043 Here's the $40 you gave me. 329 00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:02,879 I didn't give you $40. 330 00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:04,839 In a way, you did. 331 00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:09,635 Yeah. I heard how much Michael makes. 332 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,638 I still think he's way overpaid. 333 00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,099 Fourteen years. 334 00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:16,601 Fourteen. 335 00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:18,769 I know. 336 00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:22,815 Okay, all right, I got to go. Late. 337 00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:27,069 Okay. Okay. Here's the straight dope. 338 00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:28,779 No tricks, no Wikipedia. 339 00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:29,864 What? 340 00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:32,742 I talked to corporate and they told me that 341 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:35,536 I can only give you a five-percent raise. 342 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:36,954 That's 'cause of you, Mike. 343 00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:39,141 They're not going to give the working man more than the boss. 344 00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:40,583 Well, what am I supposed to do? 345 00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,335 Get your own raise. 346 00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:44,253 You've got to get out there and earn, son. 347 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,964 I'm not going to go out and ask for a raise right now. 348 00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:48,090 That is ridiculous. 349 00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,176 Well, when they merged the two branches together, 350 00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:52,220 they put you in charge. 351 00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:54,722 Okay? And we're shipping more now than we ever have. 352 00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:56,224 That's true. Yeah, that's true. 353 00:16:56,307 --> 00:16:59,101 You got to call your girl and get paid. 354 00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:02,063 Show her who wears the pants in the relationship. 355 00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:04,398 You know what, I should. 356 00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:05,525 Yeah, you should. 357 00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:08,986 I've been a loyal employee for a long time. 358 00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:10,738 Fourteen years long. 359 00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:12,198 You know what, I deserve a bump. 360 00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:14,325 Make it happen, captain. 361 00:17:16,744 --> 00:17:19,163 I am making it happen, sergeant. 362 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:22,750 I remember it was very late at night, like11:00, 11:30. 363 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:26,212 Big fella comes in screaming about god knows what. 364 00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,422 I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car, 365 00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:29,882 something like that. 366 00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:33,427 So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. 367 00:17:33,636 --> 00:17:36,889 Then schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter... 368 00:17:36,973 --> 00:17:38,516 You're useless. 369 00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:44,564 Jan: Well, why don't we talk next month after the quarter ends? 370 00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,358 No, jan. 371 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,237 I've never asked for a raise in 14 years. 372 00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:54,365 This is long overdue. I want to do it today. 373 00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:55,449 Today? 374 00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:59,996 All right, well, if you want to do it today, we should do it in person, 375 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,290 and can you get here by 5:00? 376 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,876 Yeah. Yeah, I'll leave right away. 377 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,169 Great. 378 00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:10,423 And listen, because of our, you know, situation, 379 00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:12,883 we're going to need to have a third party present. 380 00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:14,677 Yes. I'm bringing Darryl. 381 00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:17,221 Darryl from the warehouse? Mmm-hmm. 382 00:18:17,305 --> 00:18:20,516 No, Michael, we... We need an hr rep, 383 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,977 so I think you should just bring Toby. 384 00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:25,146 Hey, I'd rather kill myself. 385 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:26,689 Michael, he's your branch's hr rep... 386 00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:28,065 No, Toby is terrible. 387 00:18:28,149 --> 00:18:29,543 And we need someone else in the room... 388 00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:31,128 Toby is the worst human being I've ever known. 389 00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:32,737 Because of our relationship. Michael! 390 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:35,615 Either Toby comes with you or we don't do it. 391 00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:40,453 Fine. 392 00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:41,954 Kelly: You are so mean. 393 00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:43,348 Ryan: I don't know what you're talking about. 394 00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:44,999 Yes, you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. 395 00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:46,402 You called me stupid. No. Isaid... 396 00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:47,918 Toby, come on, let's go. 397 00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:49,211 Where? Where? 398 00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:51,607 I'm going to smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go. 399 00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,734 Kelly: What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? 400 00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:54,800 All right. 401 00:18:54,884 --> 00:18:55,944 Usher Jennifer Hudson kapour. 402 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,845 Ryan: Don't you see why that's insane? 403 00:18:57,928 --> 00:18:59,597 Oh, so I'm crazy now? 404 00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:06,062 (Music playing on radio) 405 00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:07,188 Comfortable, Mike? 406 00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:08,272 Yeah. 407 00:19:08,856 --> 00:19:10,296 What about you, man, you comfortable? 408 00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:17,948 Don't ever touch a black man's radio. 409 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,577 Chris Tucker, rush hour. 410 00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:27,083 I won't touch yours, by the way. 411 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:28,834 Thank you. 412 00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:32,004 I haven't been to New York in a long time. 413 00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:33,589 Big apple. 414 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,383 Maybe I'll stay overnight. 415 00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:37,677 I got a cousin who lives down there. 416 00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:39,637 How will we get home? 417 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,973 Oh, you can stay, too. He's got a big place. 418 00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:44,350 Maybe I'll stay. 419 00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:45,685 It's not that big. 420 00:19:45,768 --> 00:19:48,437 Buses, though, will get you home quick. 421 00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:53,484 And then all of a sudden Dwight stood up and was like, "no!" 422 00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:54,670 (Phone ringing) Then what did he do? 423 00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:56,296 Well, you should just read the report that Toby did. 424 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:57,780 He took everyone's stories. 425 00:19:59,949 --> 00:20:02,326 Dunder Mifflin, customer service. This is Kelly. 426 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:06,080 Oh, yeah, I can totally help you with that. 427 00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:08,666 Okay. Let me just get the folder out. 428 00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:13,337 Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. 429 00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:15,047 Oh, 12 reams? 430 00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:30,187 Hey, guys. Jan is ready for you. 431 00:20:30,271 --> 00:20:31,397 Okay. 432 00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:34,233 Okay. Bring it home now. 433 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,652 And don't forget the new black-man phrase I taught you. 434 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,362 Pippety poppety, give me the zoppety. 435 00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:40,239 Yes, sir. Remember that. 436 00:20:40,531 --> 00:20:41,971 I'll be right outside if you need me. 437 00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:43,534 All right. 438 00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:46,495 Darryl: Yeah. Itaught Mike some new phrases. 439 00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:48,873 I want him to get the raise. 440 00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:51,292 I just can't help myself. 441 00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:10,394 Hey, man... 442 00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,022 I'm sorry. 443 00:21:27,036 --> 00:21:28,162 Thanks. 444 00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:42,927 Can I, like, see you after work for coffee or something? 445 00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:44,553 I don't know. 446 00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:46,972 Please. 447 00:21:48,098 --> 00:21:50,601 I just got some stuff I got to say to you. 448 00:21:58,734 --> 00:21:59,819 Jim. 449 00:22:00,486 --> 00:22:02,071 Roy. Look out! 450 00:22:03,113 --> 00:22:05,282 Thanks, kev. I'm good, though. 451 00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:07,409 Thank you, hunter. 452 00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:10,579 Hello. Come in. 453 00:22:12,957 --> 00:22:14,041 Okay. 454 00:22:16,585 --> 00:22:18,045 Who is the boy toy? 455 00:22:18,879 --> 00:22:20,256 That's my new assistant. 456 00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:23,926 Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der beek? 457 00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:26,554 Ihaveto call you the second I get a new assistant now? 458 00:22:26,637 --> 00:22:28,931 Be nice to get a memo. We are lovers. 459 00:22:30,641 --> 00:22:32,017 Hi, jan. 460 00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:35,604 Hi, Toby. 461 00:22:36,438 --> 00:22:37,481 (Clearing throat) 462 00:22:37,565 --> 00:22:39,441 (Clearing throat) First... 463 00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:43,362 First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation. 464 00:22:43,654 --> 00:22:45,494 All matters regarding our personal relationship 465 00:22:45,573 --> 00:22:47,825 have to be set aside. Are we clear? 466 00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:49,159 Bippety, boppety. 467 00:22:50,661 --> 00:22:53,372 Right now, we can offer you a six-percent raise. 468 00:22:53,455 --> 00:22:55,583 Six percent? After all we've been through? 469 00:22:55,666 --> 00:22:58,794 Oh, god. I got you Jade earrings. 470 00:22:58,878 --> 00:23:00,129 Michael. No. 471 00:23:00,254 --> 00:23:01,422 No. No. Michael. 472 00:23:01,505 --> 00:23:03,090 You're going to play it like this? 473 00:23:03,173 --> 00:23:06,677 You give me a good raise or no more sex. 474 00:23:10,222 --> 00:23:11,932 What are you writing, perv-ball? 475 00:23:12,016 --> 00:23:14,143 Just preparing for the deposition. 476 00:23:14,518 --> 00:23:17,187 This may the first time that a male subordinate has attempted 477 00:23:17,271 --> 00:23:19,356 to get a modest, scheduled raise 478 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,610 by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. 479 00:23:22,693 --> 00:23:25,321 It will be a groundbreaking case 480 00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:27,698 when it inevitably goes to trial. 481 00:23:28,866 --> 00:23:30,492 I'm so sorry, Pammy. 482 00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:34,914 I mean, iwasn't going to do anything, but then... 483 00:23:35,289 --> 00:23:37,666 I kept thinking about you two together. 484 00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:42,046 I just thought you guys were really good friends 485 00:23:42,129 --> 00:23:44,506 or maybe he was gay or something. 486 00:23:45,716 --> 00:23:47,301 Not that that's wrong. 487 00:23:50,638 --> 00:23:51,972 I'm sorry, too. 488 00:23:54,350 --> 00:23:58,020 I just... I think that we both made some bad choices. 489 00:24:06,695 --> 00:24:09,573 So, you going to start dating Halpert then? 490 00:24:12,868 --> 00:24:14,578 No. He has a girlfriend. 491 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:16,372 Oh, yeah. 492 00:24:19,208 --> 00:24:22,461 Wait a minute, you broke up our wedding for the guy. 493 00:24:24,213 --> 00:24:26,507 There were a lot of reasons. 494 00:24:28,801 --> 00:24:31,845 What, you're not even going to try to go out with him? 495 00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:37,267 I don't get you, Pam. 496 00:24:38,394 --> 00:24:39,603 I know. 497 00:24:46,652 --> 00:24:48,070 What's this? 498 00:24:48,195 --> 00:24:49,571 What's what? 499 00:24:49,655 --> 00:24:53,200 "Certificate of bravery from the Scranton police department 500 00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:57,579 "recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man, 501 00:24:57,663 --> 00:24:59,164 "Dwight k. Schrute." 502 00:24:59,373 --> 00:25:02,251 Wow. I guess word got around. That's a nice honor. 503 00:25:02,459 --> 00:25:04,670 Please. They hand these out to little kids. 504 00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:07,548 Look, there's a Teddy bear in a policeman's cap. 505 00:25:08,424 --> 00:25:10,801 Didn't think you'd notice. 506 00:25:12,386 --> 00:25:17,266 Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart? 507 00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:18,934 This is me, jan. This is me. 508 00:25:19,018 --> 00:25:21,478 Okay. Michael, please. 509 00:25:21,562 --> 00:25:23,123 You know, why don't we just take a break? 510 00:25:23,147 --> 00:25:24,273 Okay. This is... 511 00:25:24,356 --> 00:25:26,442 This is going nowhere. No. No. No. 512 00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:28,986 You do not try tactic number eight on me. 513 00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:30,821 I invented tactic number eight. 514 00:25:30,904 --> 00:25:31,947 I'm not going anywhere. 515 00:25:32,031 --> 00:25:33,091 Okay, Toby, how about if you... 516 00:25:33,115 --> 00:25:34,616 Sure. Great. 517 00:25:41,665 --> 00:25:43,250 What's wrong with you? 518 00:25:43,667 --> 00:25:46,128 I don't know. Was a weird day. 519 00:25:48,005 --> 00:25:49,923 I accidentally cross-dressed. 520 00:25:51,008 --> 00:25:54,261 And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. 521 00:25:55,054 --> 00:25:57,014 And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. 522 00:25:57,097 --> 00:26:01,602 And then your assistant is all young and hot and I... 523 00:26:01,935 --> 00:26:03,228 Okay, Michael. 524 00:26:03,729 --> 00:26:07,399 I can offer you a 12-percent raise, 525 00:26:08,609 --> 00:26:11,320 but you have got to ask for 15. 526 00:26:12,946 --> 00:26:14,382 That's ridiculous. I'm never going to... 527 00:26:14,406 --> 00:26:15,699 No, just... 528 00:26:15,783 --> 00:26:20,537 I just need you to ask for it so I can record that you asked for it. 529 00:26:20,996 --> 00:26:22,206 Okay? 530 00:26:23,332 --> 00:26:25,542 Ah so. 531 00:26:31,298 --> 00:26:35,552 All right, Levinson, here's the rub. 532 00:26:36,637 --> 00:26:39,515 I would like a 15-percent raise. 533 00:26:39,598 --> 00:26:41,558 No, but we can offer you 12. 534 00:26:41,934 --> 00:26:43,811 But you just said 15. 535 00:26:45,104 --> 00:26:47,606 Michael: Negotiation is an art. 536 00:26:48,065 --> 00:26:50,067 Back and forth. Give and take. 537 00:26:50,651 --> 00:26:53,737 And today, both Darryl and I took something. 538 00:26:54,780 --> 00:26:56,156 Higher salaries. 539 00:26:56,698 --> 00:26:57,991 Win, win, win. 540 00:26:58,742 --> 00:27:03,705 But, you know, life is about more than just salary. 541 00:27:04,248 --> 00:27:06,500 It's about perks. 542 00:27:07,334 --> 00:27:08,836 Like having sex with jan... 543 00:27:08,919 --> 00:27:10,170 Michael. 544 00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:16,593 So, you and Bob are looking at a historical house? 545 00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:18,137 Near the river. 546 00:27:18,470 --> 00:27:20,180 How many bedrooms? Fouh 547 00:27:21,807 --> 00:27:23,433 Dwight. Dwight. 548 00:27:28,313 --> 00:27:30,274 I've been doing some very interesting reading. 549 00:27:30,357 --> 00:27:31,441 Really? 550 00:27:32,067 --> 00:27:33,402 Tales of bravery. 551 00:27:33,944 --> 00:27:35,487 Good stuff? 552 00:27:36,947 --> 00:27:40,367 I was thinking tonight we could read it together. 553 00:27:41,410 --> 00:27:42,703 Thatsounds 554 00:27:43,662 --> 00:27:44,705 fun. 555 00:28:04,057 --> 00:28:05,642 Will never say a word. 556 00:28:07,436 --> 00:28:09,271 And now we are even. 557 00:28:14,776 --> 00:28:16,570 And y: I graduated from anger management 558 00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:18,322 the same way I graduated from Cornell. 559 00:28:18,405 --> 00:28:19,448 On time. 560 00:28:19,531 --> 00:28:23,076 Now I'm back, got a second chance and I'm not going to blow it. 561 00:28:23,202 --> 00:28:25,412 So, look out, dunder Mifflin. 562 00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,333 I mean "look out" in a fun way. 563 00:28:29,416 --> 00:28:32,002 You know, not like, "I'm going to hurt you." 564 00:28:33,170 --> 00:28:35,214 Hey, guys, guess who's back? 565 00:28:35,297 --> 00:28:37,216 (Screaming) 566 00:28:38,717 --> 00:28:40,552 Oh, god! 567 00:28:40,636 --> 00:28:42,471 No need to thank me. 568 00:28:42,554 --> 00:28:44,014 I'm not a hero. 569 00:28:44,264 --> 00:28:46,516 I'm a mere defender of the office. 570 00:28:46,975 --> 00:28:48,685 You know who's a real hero? 571 00:28:48,769 --> 00:28:50,270 Hiro from heroes. 572 00:28:50,771 --> 00:28:52,022 That's a hero. 573 00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:54,650 Also bono.