Michael: Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold,
but first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch.
And I'm pretty nervous about it,
and I'm making some cosmetic tweaks
to help create a more appealing environment.
Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way.
When you look in the mirror and you see
your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes
and your makeup and your press-on nails,
the principles that I'm applying to the office
are the same ones that have made lady gaga a star.
Or any number of drag queens.
Hi. Dwight: Hello, Eric ward.
Welcome to dunder Mifflin.
I am computron, your answer to everything.
Hello. Hello.
I see you've met computron, our virtual helper.
I'm Michael Scott. Welcome, welcome.
Computron is just one of the many modern devices
that I have incorporated into the office.
Watch this. Computron? Yes.
What is the world's largest ocean?
Calculating.
Pacific!
Pacific ocean. Pretty cool, huh?
Great news, Michael,
we're now the official paper supplier of the NFL.
That is fantastic. It's good, but it's not good enough. Keep working.
And here's Pam.
She's our international sales consultant.
Hello.
Dwight: The NFL celebrated its 50th anniversary in 1972.
(Greeting in Spanish)
(Greeting in French)
(Greeting in Chinese)
It might seem crazy, but since there's no one left in New York,
Michael is dunder Mifflin's highest ranking employee.
So, that's where we are.
Hello, Stanley.
For the record, not on board with fake Stanley.
Although, I get it.
I just need to check out your warehouse and then talk to your hr guy.
That is pretty much the only reason that I came here today.
Okay. Well, I thought I'd show you around a little bit...
Right... since you made the trip out.
And I got us reservations at coopers seafood. You like lobster?
You've had lobster before, right?
Yeah.
They make the best Maine lobster in the world. You'll love it.
Dwight: Mul yam in Tel Aviv is better.
No, computron, actually, I think coopers is the best.
You're going to love it.
Are you calling me wrong?
(Sighs) Oh, my god.
Eric: It's called due diligence.
Basically, I confirm inventory,
take a head count, see if there are any hr liabilities.
I'm a glorified fact checker.
Actually, I am a fact checker.
All right.
Excuse me. If you will... Ryan: Hey, Michael,
do you think I could get a space here? ...Follow me this way.
I will introduce you to the crack hr rep that you requested.
I give you Toby Flenderson. Have fun, you two.
Oh, we will. Have a seat.
Mmm.
(Whispering) I left a copy of best American mystery stories 1999
in Toby's favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time.
So, the manager, Michael Scott
is a bit of a character.
He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff
than you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder.
So, what was the question?
What are you doing at my desk?
Ignore him. He's the local lunatic.
Come on, Dwight, get out of here.
Dwight? Who is this Dwight?
Oh!
You mean Dwight schrute,
the company's top salesman and the creator of computron.
I wear many hats, but the one I'm wearing currently
is that of gracious host.
(Laughing)
Welcome.
Sorry. Hey, Toby Flenderson. Nice to meet you. How can I help?
Are there any outstanding liability issues to be aware of?
What do you mean?
Well, safety issues, injuries that could leave
the company open to any potential lawsuits.
Nothing comes to mind.
Darryl: Mike, get off of the lift. Please!
Come on, now.
Michael: I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
Look, would you... look_.
(Exclaiming)
We'll get somebody to clean that up.
We're the ones that gotta clean that up!
I feel very blessed.
(Grunts)
(Exclaiming in French)
Drop that sucker.
Yeah! Bingo!
(Michael exclaims)
(Car alarm blaring)
Do it! Yeah!
Today, smoking is going to save lives.
Dwight: Run, run. Michael: Okay, okay.
Calm, please.
Oscar!
Stay alive, I'm getting help!
Pull me up! You're too heavy.
I only weigh 82 pounds.
(Cat meows)
Save bandit!
(Cat yowls)
(Exclaims)
Seriously, are you gonna sit in the back?
Yeah. It's the safest part of a car.
In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side first.
(Brakes)
(Dwight breathing heavily)
(Yelling)
(Screaming)
My hair!
Get off! Get off me!
I got it! I got it!
Get it off!
(Screaming)
You're welcome.
So, the staff, are people generally happy?
(Laughing)
Happy is a funny word.
In what way?
You know...
You know, what does it mean to be happy?
Keep philosophers busy for a while.
So, generally?
Yes.
Generally. Generally happy.
Generally happy.
(Yelling)
(Groans)
(Shouting)
I don't know what streets we... ow! What are you doing?
It would be better if you were unconscious.
Try my googy googy. Try my googy googy. Try my...
Excuse me. Don't touch me!
(Exclaiming)
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Can't we all just get along?
Or have we forgotten the words of the reverend king?
What about non-safety issues in terms of liability?
Sexual harassment? Anything like that?
Well, I don't know.
You don't know?
I don't know.
You're the head of human resources.
I don't know.
Okay. No.
Stanley? How about that hot picture you have by your desk?
Centerfold in the catholic schoolgirl's outfit?
I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on.
And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it.
But what? Are we gonna just take it away?
That is my daughter, she goes to catholic girls' school.
Michael. Come in!
Oh, my god!
What are you doing? What are you doing?
You said, come in! No, I didn't!
Just, please, get out. Oh, my god!
What's wrong with my outfit?
(Stammering) You might consider pulling it down a touch.
Bunch of prudes. You know, Oscar's allowed to wear sandals,
(all gasping) But I'm not allowed to wear open-toed shoes?
Is that how it goes?
Meredith, your boob is out.
Fine.
(All groaning) Too far, Meredith! Too far!
Damn it, Meredith, where are your panfies?
It's casual day.
Come here, give me a kiss, come on.
Michael, come on, you don't have to worry. I'm not
gonna report you to hr. I'm not... I'm not worried!
You know what? The only thing I am worried about
is getting a boner.
I'm now going to read aloud your submitted medical conditions.
When you hear yours read, please raise your hand
to indicate that it is real.
If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.
Number one, inverted penis.
Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Ithoughtyour vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
Attention, everyone. Hello.
Yes, I just want you to know that, this is not my decision.
You can consider this my retirement from comedy.
Does that include "that's what she said"?
Yes.
Wow, that is really hard.
You really think you can go all daylong?
Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...
That's what she said!
Michael!
Why did you get it so big?
That's what she said.
Does the skin look red and swollen?
That's what she said.
That's myjoke. Damn it, Dwight.
How about the Phyllis-Angela dispute?
You already did me.
(Mouthing) Michael: That's what she said.
Is there any mustard?
No mustard! No mustard! Just eat it!
Eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water
so it'll slide down your gullet more easily.
Kelly: That's what she said.
Oh, no, no, no, no, not that...
Just come on, you guys, let's do it.
Toby: [Don't know how I'm going to get through this.
I don't want to lie.
And I don't want to tell the truth.
Hey, tobes, what you doing? What you guys talking about?
We're just going over some stuff.
Stuff? I love stuff.
It's h r stuff.
Hr stuff? H. R. Pufnstuf.
Right up my alley. What is that? What kind of stuff is that?
It's a company evaluation form.
Ah!
We're talking about...
Talking about what?
Waste is next.
Waste?
What does that even mean? Like garbage?
No, waste of time, resources.
Oh! Time and resources.
Look, you know, in any company,
there's gonna be a certain degree...
No. No, no, no, no, no. Respectfully, Toby, no.
No. This company does not waste time or resources ever.
(Both exclaiming)
(All cheering)
Jim: Dig deep. Dig deep.
(All exclaiming)
It's Phyllis, Phyllis by a nose.
Gold medal in flernenton. Flonkerton.
Where is my desk?
That is weird.
Happy holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas.
You're so pathetic. Well, I hope it was worth it,
because I'm going to take it apart in about five minutes.
I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.
If I can skin a mule deer in less than 10 minutes,
I ought to be able to cut my...
(Grunts in frustration)
Damn it! Jim!
Okay. Hold on, hold on.
Judge is in session. What is the problem here?
He put my stuff in jell-o again.
(Pam laughing)
(In deep voice) Bang, boom, shake, klump!
Why, hello, everybody.
What are you doing?
(All exclaiming)
Question, what kind of bear is best?
That's a ridiculous question.
False. Black bear.
Well, that's debatable.
There are basically two schools of thought.
Fact, bears eat beets.
Bears, beets,
Battlestar Galactica. Bears do not...
What is going on? What are you doing?
Identity theft is not a joke, Jim!
Millions of families suffer every year!
Michael!
Oh, that's funny. Michael!
Is anyone near retirement age?
Michael: This is creed.
And he is in charge of something.
Right? That is correct.
Say hi to the kids. Hi, kids.
Michael: Yay!
Have you ever seen a foot with four toes? Kids: Ew!
Michael: What are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! Just... no, no, no, no, no!
Would you cut it out?
Okay. Ryan, you told Toby
that creed has a distinct old man smell?
I know exactly what he's talking about.
I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer.
Very nutritious, but they smell like death.
Hey, where's Dwight?
You didn't hear?
Decapitated. Whole big thing. We had a funeral for a bird.
I'm pretty sure none of that's real.
You're not real, man.
Hey. Yeah, I finally got a chance to sit down with hr.
Well, I think I'm gonna be here for a while.
This is a building where friends become lovers,
and lovers become sexually interactive, right?
Would you agree with that?
Michael, this is really inappropriate to talk about.
That is true.
Mmm.
(Exclaims)
I like you.
But you need to access your UN-crazy side.
Darryl philbin is the most complicated man that I've ever met.
I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking?
What kind of game is that?
I am so happy we don't have to break up now, Ryan!
It is the best day of my whole life!
When I said that I wanted to have kids,
and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do?
And then, when you said that you might want to have kids,
and I wasn't so sure, who had the vasectomy reversed?
And then when you said you definitely didn't want to have kids?
Who had it reversed back?
Snip, snap! Snip, snap! Snip, snap!
I did! Jan: Okay...
You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person!
Ryan: Kelly, I'm your boss now, okay?
You can't keep talking to me like I'm your boyfriend.
Oh, big strong man, fancy new whatever.
I don't think you ever cared about me.
I never cared about you?
Six months ago, Karen filippelli sent me an email,
asked me out, I said no,
because I was committed to our relationship.
Well, I hope you're still committed, because I'm pregnant.
This is an image
that I want you people to remember for a long time to come.
Whenever you come into the office,
I want you to think about this.
We don't need to.
Yes, we do. What?
(Grunting)
I did it!
Thank you. Thank you.
Jim has got it bad for Pam.
Oh! Which one is Pam?
What? Nothing.
Okay. What?
I don't know. What?
Oh, my god!
Did you wanna tell me something?
You look like you want to tell me something.
You look like you have something really important to say
and you just can't for some reason.
Come on, you can tell me.
Jim, you can tell me anything.
You have new music?
Yeah.
Definitely.
(Melodic instrumental music playing)
(Mouthing)
Michael: Bring it in. Here we go.
(Laughing)
Jim: Look inside.
Oh, my god!
But I bet Jim got the job.
I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified and smart.
Everyone loves him.
If he never comes back again,
that's okay.
We 're friends.
We just... we never got the timing right.
But you know what, it's okay.
I'm totally fine.
Everything is going to be totally...
Pam.
Sorry.
Are you free for dinner tonight?
Yes.
All right. Then it's a date.
I'm sorry. What was the question?
Oh, my god.
Pam, will you marry me?
Oh, my god!
(All cheering)
Toby: Thank you so much. Kevin: Thank you.
Angela: Thank you. Eric: Thank you.
It's nice to meet you all.
Toby: Good to meet you.
Pam: Have a great day. Thank you.
Dwight: Hope to see you soon. Kevin: Yeah.
Michael: I feel very sorry for that banker because
he has to evaluate what we are worth.
He has to decide what we're capable of. And how do you do that?
What is Jim capable of? Or Pam? Or Kevin?
(S I n g I n g) Out of paper, out of stock
those friendly faces around the block
break loose from the chains
that are causing you pain
all: (Singing) Call Michael and Stanley, Jim, Dwight, creed
call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs
dunder Mifflin
the people person's paper people
dunder Mifflin
the people person's paper people
dunder Mifflin
the people person's paper people
Michael: I don't care if he goes and files a report
that says that we 're nothing special
because I think our future is very bright.
We have only just begun.
Dwight: Computron experiencing emotion.
Computron, I'm going to pull your plug, okay, buddy?
Okay. Just_
Please don't.
Computron wants to live.
Shut... shut up. Shut up.
(Singing) Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon
call my man Dwight just to see what was shakin'!
Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty
so check out how we live
in the electric city!
They call it Scranton! What?
The electric city! Scranton! What?
The electric city!
Lazy Scranton, the electric city
they call it that 'cause of the electricity
the city's laid out from east to west
and our public parks and libraries are truly the best!
Call poison control if you're bit by a spider!
But check that it's covered by your healthcare provider!
Plenty of space in the parkin' lot!
But the little cars go in the compact spot!
Spot! Spot! Spot!
Snack attack time
don't lose your head
we like cuginos for the tasty bread!
They call it Scranton! What?
The electric city! Scranton! What?