1 00:00:02,003 --> 00:00:04,463 This here is a radon test kit. 2 00:00:04,547 --> 00:00:06,027 Okay, I'll be putting them everywhere. 3 00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:08,634 And please don't throw these out. 4 00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:11,721 This is a radon test kit. 5 00:00:12,763 --> 00:00:13,931 Please don't throw these out. 6 00:00:15,641 --> 00:00:17,041 You'll see them all over the office. 7 00:00:17,268 --> 00:00:19,353 Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere 8 00:00:19,812 --> 00:00:21,355 like he owns the place. 9 00:00:22,481 --> 00:00:25,860 The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap. 10 00:00:26,736 --> 00:00:28,279 But I figured I'd rather live with ants 11 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,239 than with this creepy little disk. 12 00:00:30,323 --> 00:00:34,202 The second time, I thought it was one of those, 13 00:00:34,285 --> 00:00:38,206 you know, the things you turn over and it moos like a cow thing, 14 00:00:38,289 --> 00:00:43,878 but upon closer examination it was another ant trap, so I threw it away. 15 00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:48,716 And the third time, I did it out of spite. 16 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,719 (Making farting noises) 17 00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:53,113 Come on, Michael, you're interrupting. 18 00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:54,847 You're kidding me! God! 19 00:00:54,931 --> 00:00:57,034 You say radon is silent but deadly and then you expect me 20 00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:59,060 not to make farting noises with my mouth? 21 00:00:59,143 --> 00:01:00,394 What is this? Please sit down. 22 00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:02,039 You know what, we're not gonna die of radon, 23 00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:03,314 we're gonna die of boredom. 24 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,398 Yeah. 25 00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:05,524 Michael: Right? 26 00:01:05,608 --> 00:01:07,693 And if I had a gun with two bullets, 27 00:01:07,777 --> 00:01:10,446 and I was in a room with Hitler, bin laden and Toby, 28 00:01:10,529 --> 00:01:12,365 I would shoot Toby twice. 29 00:01:12,490 --> 00:01:13,783 (All muttering) 30 00:01:13,866 --> 00:01:15,586 Okay, all right. You were being really funny 31 00:01:15,618 --> 00:01:16,637 and then you went too far. 32 00:01:16,661 --> 00:01:18,579 I would kill bin laden and then Toby. 33 00:01:18,704 --> 00:01:20,206 No. That's still... 34 00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:22,208 Okay, geniuses, how would you do it? 35 00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:26,379 Curve the bullet like in my favorite James mcavoy film wanted. 36 00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:28,607 All that does is help you shoot around things. 37 00:01:28,631 --> 00:01:30,484 What does bin laden... is there a curtain rod in the room? 38 00:01:30,508 --> 00:01:31,509 Michael: I don't know. 39 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:34,762 How about make-believe land has anything you want? 40 00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:36,931 Stanley, please, this is serious. 41 00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:39,934 Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there's no evidence? 42 00:01:40,017 --> 00:01:42,162 Yes, we should stab Toby through the heart with an icicle. 43 00:01:42,186 --> 00:01:44,039 (Groans) Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. 44 00:01:44,063 --> 00:01:45,815 Here's how you do it. You line them all up, 45 00:01:45,898 --> 00:01:48,109 you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat 46 00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:49,735 at the same time. 47 00:01:49,819 --> 00:01:51,739 Watch this. Phyllis, you're Hitler, come up here. 48 00:01:51,821 --> 00:01:55,074 Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're bin laden. Line up. 49 00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:56,718 Toby: I don't want to do this. Dwight: Throats together. 50 00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:58,452 Toby, just do it! Toby, come on. 51 00:01:58,536 --> 00:01:59,537 God. 52 00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,622 Ready, one bullet and... 53 00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:03,165 Boom! 54 00:02:03,249 --> 00:02:05,543 (Imitating bullet impact) 55 00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:08,045 Andy: Yeah, that works. 56 00:02:08,671 --> 00:02:09,755 It worked! 57 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,612 What flavors did you get? 58 00:02:33,696 --> 00:02:35,156 It's so exciting, Pam. 59 00:02:35,239 --> 00:02:38,242 The eagles are doing a theme of ice creams in honor of turning 60. 60 00:02:38,326 --> 00:02:41,996 "Despera-dough, witchy-womanilla." Why do they do this? 61 00:02:42,079 --> 00:02:43,223 Do you want me to go back to the store? 62 00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:45,791 No, no, no, it's fine. I was just commenting. 63 00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:48,002 We got to get these out, open them up. Okay. 64 00:02:48,085 --> 00:02:50,755 This is all for Michael. Turns out his girlfriend was married. 65 00:02:51,339 --> 00:02:53,066 Pam: Yeah, and when Michael gets a broken heart, 66 00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:54,508 this whole place comes to a halt, 67 00:02:54,592 --> 00:02:56,844 so, we 're just trying to get out in front of this. 68 00:02:57,094 --> 00:03:00,264 After his last breakup, he ate 40,000 calories in three hours. 69 00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:02,308 Right, Pam? That's what Pam told me. 70 00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:04,018 Yeah. 71 00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:05,728 Or, no, well, I don't know. 72 00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:08,439 I'm sorry. I was up all night with Cece. 73 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,274 Othennise I'd be running this. 74 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:11,525 That's okay. 75 00:03:11,609 --> 00:03:13,944 You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late. 76 00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:16,590 We have Mr. Bean playing in the conference room, 77 00:03:16,614 --> 00:03:18,050 and the pink panther movie in his office. 78 00:03:18,074 --> 00:03:19,551 With half hour shifts to watch with him. 79 00:03:19,575 --> 00:03:21,415 And we need bodies in both these rooms, people. 80 00:03:21,452 --> 00:03:22,453 So, please sign up. 81 00:03:22,661 --> 00:03:23,871 He's coming. Pam: Oh. Okay. 82 00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,873 Everyone, remember when he gets like this, 83 00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:27,792 he will wallow if you empathize. 84 00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,126 Keep conversations light. 85 00:03:29,210 --> 00:03:31,253 And if you get stuck and you don't know what to do, 86 00:03:31,337 --> 00:03:32,755 make a random sound effect. 87 00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:34,507 Okay, farting noise, whatever. Okay. 88 00:03:35,299 --> 00:03:36,884 Itey, everyone. No, out 89 00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:38,236 Dwight: Get out, right now. Leave now. 90 00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:39,553 Dwight: Get out. Right now. 91 00:03:39,637 --> 00:03:40,846 Pam: Please, please! 92 00:03:41,806 --> 00:03:43,724 And if he makes a joke, just laugh it up 93 00:03:43,808 --> 00:03:45,518 no matter what, okay? 94 00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:50,523 Morning, everyone. All: Hey! 95 00:03:52,817 --> 00:03:53,943 Hello. 96 00:03:54,026 --> 00:03:56,112 Michael, nice tie or something. 97 00:03:56,362 --> 00:03:58,531 Thank you. It's reversible, I think. 98 00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:00,241 (All laughing) 99 00:04:00,491 --> 00:04:01,802 That's hilarious. Pam: That's awesome. 100 00:04:01,826 --> 00:04:02,952 You want some ice cream? 101 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:06,330 Oh! Wow. Are those eagles flavors? 102 00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,791 "Cake it to the limit," that's my favorite. 103 00:04:08,874 --> 00:04:11,252 I love that. Too much for me to have by myself. 104 00:04:11,335 --> 00:04:12,628 Anybody want to share? 105 00:04:13,963 --> 00:04:15,714 (Imitates ball bouncing) 106 00:04:16,674 --> 00:04:21,011 Okay, well... that's random. I will dig into those later. 107 00:04:22,847 --> 00:04:24,765 I don't follow this exacfly. 108 00:04:24,849 --> 00:04:26,392 "The descendents of any replicants 109 00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:27,715 "from this union shall have..." 110 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:28,928 Joint custody. Joint custody. 111 00:04:30,396 --> 00:04:32,189 Are we talking about your grandchildren? 112 00:04:32,273 --> 00:04:33,315 No. 113 00:04:33,482 --> 00:04:34,942 Rather than spend all day in court, 114 00:04:35,025 --> 00:04:38,070 we have decided to settle our dispute using a mediator. 115 00:04:38,529 --> 00:04:41,615 It was an option spelled out in our child-rearing contract. 116 00:04:41,699 --> 00:04:42,741 Alleged contract. 117 00:04:42,825 --> 00:04:43,826 Alleged? 118 00:04:43,909 --> 00:04:46,162 I'm going to own your farm by the time this is over. 119 00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:49,832 Pfft. Yeah, just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you. 120 00:04:49,915 --> 00:04:50,958 Yeah. 121 00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:52,126 (Exclaiming) 122 00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:55,212 See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it. 123 00:04:56,005 --> 00:04:58,048 So much of this is just impossible to verify. 124 00:04:58,132 --> 00:05:01,427 Item five, point b, the beet juice cleanse. 125 00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:04,346 I'm doing it. You know I am. It's disgusting. 126 00:05:04,430 --> 00:05:06,199 How do we know this? I'd like to see a stool sample. 127 00:05:06,223 --> 00:05:08,058 Dwight, look at my teeth. 128 00:05:10,394 --> 00:05:12,021 An dy: No secret crying. 129 00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:14,565 Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there. 130 00:05:15,024 --> 00:05:16,525 Could he still be seeing her? 131 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,194 I don't think he'd do that. 132 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,088 So, we're gonna say the most likely scenario 133 00:05:20,112 --> 00:05:22,031 is that Michael matured overnight? 134 00:05:22,114 --> 00:05:24,575 It happened to Tom Hanks in big. 135 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,536 Exactly. It happened in big. 136 00:05:29,038 --> 00:05:30,706 No, I gotta go. Text me later. 137 00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:32,833 I'm really too tired to do this. Me, too. 138 00:05:32,917 --> 00:05:34,585 Then let's just not do this. 139 00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:37,046 Do you have any idea of the risks involved? 140 00:05:38,339 --> 00:05:39,423 Hey, Michael. Hey. 141 00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:41,967 We were wondering if you'd like to have dinner with us tonight 142 00:05:42,051 --> 00:05:43,969 in our home and play with our baby? 143 00:05:44,053 --> 00:05:45,638 We could order in from Hooters. 144 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,223 Hooters to go, nice. 145 00:05:47,389 --> 00:05:48,909 We can watch a movie and play rock band. 146 00:05:48,933 --> 00:05:50,017 Billy Joel rock band. 147 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,185 That exists? 148 00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:52,353 Yes. 149 00:05:53,437 --> 00:05:56,157 Okay, well, I'll have to take a rain check, but thanks for the offer. 150 00:05:56,899 --> 00:05:59,193 Michael Scott, are you still seeing Donna? 151 00:06:00,778 --> 00:06:02,821 Michael: Okay, Pam, 152 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,866 she's not invisible, so stop asking silly questions. 153 00:06:05,950 --> 00:06:07,034 Michael. 154 00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:08,702 Since when is this an office 155 00:06:08,786 --> 00:06:11,372 where we delve into each other's personal lives? 156 00:06:11,455 --> 00:06:12,957 I like Donna. 157 00:06:14,792 --> 00:06:17,378 Is it wrong to keep seeing her? 158 00:06:17,461 --> 00:06:20,130 Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband 159 00:06:21,465 --> 00:06:24,343 or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong. 160 00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:25,928 That is something I would never do. 161 00:06:26,011 --> 00:06:28,347 Well, I think we all know what you're capable of, Meredith. 162 00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:31,809 Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on or been used to cheat with. 163 00:06:31,934 --> 00:06:37,231 I ask everyone in the room, "are you in a relationship?" 164 00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:40,025 People, this is Scranton 165 00:06:40,109 --> 00:06:41,461 and many people consider that to be 166 00:06:41,485 --> 00:06:43,737 the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania. 167 00:06:43,821 --> 00:06:46,657 And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers. 168 00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:49,010 Ugh! Ryan, I do not want you hanging out with Michael anymore. 169 00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:50,119 Okay. 170 00:06:50,202 --> 00:06:52,830 Okay, I will have you know that I asked Donna about this 171 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,164 and she is fine with it. 172 00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:56,875 And just to be sure, I asked her again aftennard, same answer. 173 00:06:57,001 --> 00:06:58,252 How does he feel about it? 174 00:06:58,335 --> 00:07:00,087 He is never gonna find out. 175 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,880 He is a high school baseball coach, 176 00:07:01,964 --> 00:07:04,341 he wakes up early, he goes to bed early. 177 00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:07,970 Look at how long it took for him to find out. 178 00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:10,389 It was right under his nose. I had to tell him. 179 00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:11,932 Okay, now you're just being hurtful. 180 00:07:12,016 --> 00:07:13,309 I'm sorry. 181 00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:16,604 Why is it okay for Stanley to cheat? Or for Phyllis to cheat? 182 00:07:16,854 --> 00:07:17,938 Hey. 183 00:07:18,022 --> 00:07:19,064 On her diet. 184 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:21,734 He's a sports guy. He's scummy. 185 00:07:21,984 --> 00:07:23,902 Dog fighting, drugs, they spit. 186 00:07:24,069 --> 00:07:25,529 Did Donna tell you that? 187 00:07:26,363 --> 00:07:28,198 Real sports with Bryant gumball. 188 00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:30,760 So, you're just making a giant assumption. You don't even know the guy. 189 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,119 You know what? You know what? 190 00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:35,247 I am declaring a moment of silence right now. 191 00:07:35,331 --> 00:07:38,083 Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. 192 00:07:38,167 --> 00:07:41,045 Just sit there and think about Michael Jackson. 193 00:07:42,046 --> 00:07:44,048 My name's Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. 194 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,942 For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, 195 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,469 a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. 196 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,512 I've lived the part. 197 00:07:51,639 --> 00:07:55,643 And let me tell you, I would so much rather play the part on stage. 198 00:07:57,394 --> 00:08:00,814 So, here's the thing about infidelity. 199 00:08:00,898 --> 00:08:01,982 No, no. 200 00:08:02,066 --> 00:08:04,568 When are you people going to stop casting the first stone? 201 00:08:05,194 --> 00:08:07,363 I am not in the wrong here. I am the good guy. 202 00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,323 How does that work? 203 00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:13,369 Do you think this husband is a super sweet, nice guy? 204 00:08:13,452 --> 00:08:15,829 Do you think he's an angel? I don't think so. 205 00:08:15,913 --> 00:08:20,459 Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? 206 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:24,213 There has to be a problem with him. 207 00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:28,258 In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. 208 00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:30,761 You're Ali larter, I'm Beyoncé. 209 00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,096 I am Beyoncé always. 210 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,931 Not this time. Yes, I am. 211 00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:37,017 This guy's a high school baseball coach, right? 212 00:08:37,101 --> 00:08:38,995 Let's go check him out, see what a horrible person he is. 213 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,646 I oumlovethat yeah. 214 00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:43,416 Those teams have games and practices every day. Let's go check it out. 215 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,692 I have work to do. 216 00:08:44,775 --> 00:08:46,402 Really? I thought you were the boss. 217 00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:49,279 Let's go. 218 00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:53,367 I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. 219 00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:54,636 I should punch him in the nose 220 00:08:54,660 --> 00:08:55,994 for what he's making me do to her. 221 00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:02,167 (People cheering) 222 00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:03,460 (Andy vocalizing) 223 00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:06,338 All right, Andy, please. 224 00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:07,798 Baseball! Shh! 225 00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:10,801 Try not to draw attention, please. 226 00:09:12,302 --> 00:09:13,303 That's him. That's him. 227 00:09:13,846 --> 00:09:15,013 Where? Right there. 228 00:09:15,264 --> 00:09:16,265 The coach. 229 00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:17,599 Stage right or stage left? 230 00:09:17,683 --> 00:09:19,309 I played batboy in damn Yankees. 231 00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:22,563 Right there. Look, look. Follow my finger, okay? See? 232 00:09:22,855 --> 00:09:24,565 The grownup by the base. 233 00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:28,110 And now coaching third base with two arms, two legs 234 00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:30,320 and a heart capable of feeling pain... 235 00:09:30,446 --> 00:09:32,406 All right. Can you just... is number... 236 00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:34,700 Can you just act normal for a second, please? 237 00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:37,035 Whatever. I'm the one blending in. 238 00:09:38,162 --> 00:09:39,204 (Snoring) 239 00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:43,417 (Clearing throat) 240 00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:44,877 (Pam continues snoring) 241 00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:47,838 Guys? Pam? 242 00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:49,923 Hey. Oh! Hi, Gabe. 243 00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:53,343 Can you two please join me in my office? Now. 244 00:09:58,515 --> 00:09:59,933 You were supposed to be the lookout. 245 00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:03,020 Yeah, well, it's really warm in here. It's like a sleeping bag. 246 00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:05,898 I don't want to be the heavy here, but honestly, guys, 247 00:10:05,981 --> 00:10:07,441 this makes us all look bad. 248 00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:09,651 Sorry about that. So embarrassing. 249 00:10:11,153 --> 00:10:14,198 Good, okay, end of the dressing down. 250 00:10:14,573 --> 00:10:17,826 I just hate that part of the job, you know? The power dynamic. 251 00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:19,953 Well, you were surprisingly restrained. 252 00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:21,580 We will be well rested tomorrow. 253 00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:22,724 Okay. That's great, actually, 254 00:10:22,748 --> 00:10:24,828 because I wanted to talk to you about something else. 255 00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:26,335 Excellent. Go for it. 256 00:10:26,418 --> 00:10:28,418 I'm sure you got my e-mail about the printer fires, 257 00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:30,506 the one with the branching decision tree. 258 00:10:30,589 --> 00:10:32,216 I actually designed that chart. 259 00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:33,967 Kind of hoping it catches on. 260 00:10:34,051 --> 00:10:35,928 Anyway, the question is, 261 00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:38,806 what is the best way to disseminate important information 262 00:10:38,889 --> 00:10:40,182 in an efficient way? 263 00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:43,769 Right. So let's... 264 00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:45,872 Finally, there's a provision here in the occurrence 265 00:10:45,896 --> 00:10:47,648 that the child is born an old man, 266 00:10:47,731 --> 00:10:48,731 a la Benjamin button. 267 00:10:48,816 --> 00:10:50,668 Same page. Go to the next one. Same page. We're fine there. 268 00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:52,027 Just keep moving. 269 00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:53,695 Despite the provision covering 270 00:10:53,779 --> 00:10:55,379 whether this is all part of the matrix... 271 00:10:55,531 --> 00:10:56,907 Which we can't know... 272 00:10:57,241 --> 00:10:58,283 This is essentially... 273 00:10:58,367 --> 00:10:59,487 Unless we're unplugged... 274 00:11:00,118 --> 00:11:02,412 Equivalent to a donor or surrogate contract... 275 00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:04,081 And wake up in the future. 276 00:11:04,206 --> 00:11:06,124 Which is actually pretty common. 277 00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:09,503 So, I have to tell you that this is a solid contract. 278 00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:12,089 What? 279 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:15,092 Look, I can't enforce that anybody have a child with anyone else. 280 00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:16,301 What? 281 00:11:16,385 --> 00:11:18,971 Mediator: So essentially this comes down to damages. 282 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:22,766 Now, there is some precedence for the range of $30,000. 283 00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:24,268 What? 284 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,937 I don't have $30,000 lying around. 285 00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,355 I have it buried very deeply, 286 00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:31,275 and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it. 287 00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,862 Chase Dixon is up, could be a big play. 288 00:11:34,945 --> 00:11:36,089 You have no idea what you're talking about. 289 00:11:36,113 --> 00:11:37,406 I know it's like cricket. 290 00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:38,699 No. No. 291 00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:40,742 Well, home plate is like a wicket. 292 00:11:40,826 --> 00:11:43,036 You don't know, you don't know anything. 293 00:11:43,287 --> 00:11:45,664 Look at him. Look at him over there. 294 00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:48,625 High fiving? He didn't even do anything. 295 00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:50,335 The kid did all the work. 296 00:11:50,544 --> 00:11:51,604 I bet he does that at home. 297 00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:55,007 I bet it's like, "hey, Donna, why don't you wash the dishes? 298 00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:56,550 "High five, Donna." 299 00:11:56,633 --> 00:12:00,429 "Hey, why don't you bring me my slippers? High five. I'm taking all the credit." 300 00:12:00,512 --> 00:12:02,264 He seems pretty well liked by the team. 301 00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:05,684 Okay, well, that's because he's paying their salary. 302 00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,997 You do know that high school coaches don't pay their players. 303 00:12:09,021 --> 00:12:10,981 I know. I know. I know. 304 00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:13,108 That was a euphemism. 305 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,444 $30,000? There's got to be another way. 306 00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:18,530 He has a 60-acre beet farm that is worth a small fortune. 307 00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:20,282 Look, I will not pay. 308 00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:23,160 Well, I have an alternative. 309 00:12:24,161 --> 00:12:26,496 "Intercourse to completion five individual times 310 00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:27,789 "rendered at my discretion." 311 00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:29,434 Look, I don't think that's actually legal. 312 00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:30,709 Agreed. 313 00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:36,590 Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. 314 00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:38,425 Better than most horses. 315 00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:40,344 But not on your bed. It's lumpy. 316 00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,512 Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names, 317 00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:45,349 and those names are Amber, milky way, dianne and lumpy. 318 00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:47,142 Fine, five times. 319 00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:49,269 Look, lcantlegahy watch this unfold. 320 00:12:49,353 --> 00:12:51,521 It's coming a little dangerously close to prostitution. 321 00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:53,023 I want eye contact. 322 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,191 Yes. 323 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,109 Do you understand how rare that is in nature? 324 00:12:56,193 --> 00:12:57,653 I'm not some farm animal. 325 00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:02,950 Andy: Great game, coach. Shh. 326 00:13:03,033 --> 00:13:04,743 Okay, all right, don't, don't, don't. 327 00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:08,455 You guys are awesome. Best game I've ever seen in my life. 328 00:13:08,664 --> 00:13:10,642 Yeah, right. You must be rooting for the other guys. 329 00:13:10,666 --> 00:13:12,459 Ha! The other guys can go die. 330 00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:13,542 Okay. Basebah! 331 00:13:13,585 --> 00:13:14,628 Go talk to him. 332 00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:16,129 No, god, you go talk to him. 333 00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:19,841 Shane, great game, man. 334 00:13:21,176 --> 00:13:22,219 Do I know you? 335 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,345 No, just big fans. 336 00:13:23,595 --> 00:13:24,930 Both of us. 337 00:13:25,097 --> 00:13:27,182 Are you somebody's parents? 338 00:13:27,265 --> 00:13:30,644 Are you guys Kenny's dads? 339 00:13:31,228 --> 00:13:34,189 (Laughs) No, no, but we're gay for baseball. 340 00:13:34,940 --> 00:13:36,692 Okay. But I have a wife, actually, 341 00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:38,485 who I really love a lot. Yeah. 342 00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:39,736 Okay. 343 00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:40,821 Let's go! 344 00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:42,739 I am so into the institution of marriage. 345 00:13:42,864 --> 00:13:45,158 Isn't marriage the best, you know? 346 00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:46,868 Two good people finding each other, 347 00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:48,954 getting all committed to each other. 348 00:13:50,414 --> 00:13:52,082 You love baseball, what else do you love? 349 00:13:52,249 --> 00:13:53,917 Let's round you out as a person. 350 00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:56,753 Hey, I'm really sorry, I'm just trying to focus here on the game. 351 00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:59,756 I get it, man. I love it. That's what makes you a good coach. 352 00:14:00,257 --> 00:14:03,051 You know, but as a fan, it just helps me enjoy the game better 353 00:14:03,135 --> 00:14:05,637 if I know the coach loves his wife. 354 00:14:06,054 --> 00:14:08,640 Of course. Okay, I've got to get back to this. 355 00:14:08,724 --> 00:14:09,766 Of course. All right. 356 00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:12,644 But real quick, I want you to meet my associate. Sheldon! 357 00:14:12,728 --> 00:14:14,455 No, no, no. I'm good. Andy: Come on, get over here. 358 00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:16,231 Andy: Get over here. Oh, my god. All right. 359 00:14:16,314 --> 00:14:18,442 Sheldon, say hi to the nice coach. 360 00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:19,925 Sorry, I've got some stomach cramps. 361 00:14:20,110 --> 00:14:21,838 Shane: It's all right, it's all right, just keep it going. 362 00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:23,905 Well, that was not at all what I expected. 363 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,782 (Laughs in relief) 364 00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:27,451 My heart's still racing. 365 00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:30,454 I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand. 366 00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:33,623 All the time I was thinking, "I'm sleeping with your wife." 367 00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:36,793 You know who does that? James freaking bond. 368 00:14:38,587 --> 00:14:40,922 Okay, orange slices. 369 00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:42,466 There you go. Thanks, Michael. 370 00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:45,218 Don't thank me, thank Dylan's mom. 371 00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:46,470 There you go. 372 00:14:46,595 --> 00:14:47,721 (Michael laughing) 373 00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:49,490 Why would you throw something wet at me? 374 00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:50,599 Michael: You love it. 375 00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:51,892 There you go. 376 00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:53,802 Now, were those for the team? 377 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,688 No. They didn't say "team," they just said "coal hawks." 378 00:14:56,897 --> 00:14:58,565 I don't think those were yours to take. 379 00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:00,209 Well, then, it wouldn't be the first time 380 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,152 I stole something away from coach Shane. 381 00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:03,796 Andy: I just want to go on record as saying 382 00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:06,031 that I do not condone this affair. 383 00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:07,866 And I even went so far as to force Michael 384 00:15:07,949 --> 00:15:10,077 to confront the victim of his behavior. 385 00:15:10,619 --> 00:15:12,162 Did you talk to him? I did. 386 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:15,123 You talked to the man whose wife you're having an affair with? 387 00:15:15,207 --> 00:15:16,917 Wow, that is crazy. 388 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,043 Was there a fist fight? 389 00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:20,629 No, we just talked. He's very nice. 390 00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:21,952 And it didn't change your mind? 391 00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:23,090 It did not. 392 00:15:23,173 --> 00:15:24,174 Michael, that's awful. 393 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:25,258 Isn't it? 394 00:15:25,342 --> 00:15:26,652 Phyllis: Yes. I'm awful, aren't I? 395 00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:27,761 Yeah, that's pretty... 396 00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:29,262 I'm an awful guy. Ooh! 397 00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:30,586 How can you live with yourself? 398 00:15:30,639 --> 00:15:32,516 I am what I am, Oscar. 399 00:15:32,849 --> 00:15:36,353 And I want what I want. And right now I want a piece of cake. 400 00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:40,565 From now on, when I'm hungry, I am going to eat whatever I am hungry for. 401 00:15:40,649 --> 00:15:43,318 That is a dangerous game, friend-o. 402 00:15:43,652 --> 00:15:45,004 Vveh, because I thought that it was 403 00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:46,613 a book about anthropologie, the store. 404 00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:48,633 I don't know why you were in that part of the bookstore. 405 00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:50,176 Because it's next to the baby section, okay? 406 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,678 Well, that makes more sense. You should have said that at the beginning, 407 00:15:52,702 --> 00:15:54,388 when you said, "I read a book about anthropology." 408 00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:56,307 Kelly: I don't even know why you're screaming at me right now. 409 00:15:56,331 --> 00:15:57,771 I'm not screaming. I'm not screaming. 410 00:15:58,041 --> 00:15:59,876 That's Meredith's cake. It's her birthday. 411 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,461 I don't care. 412 00:16:01,545 --> 00:16:03,964 I have an appetite for life. 413 00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:06,925 Mmm. 414 00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:10,053 God, that's lemon. 415 00:16:11,054 --> 00:16:14,724 Good for you, man. Good for you. 416 00:16:18,687 --> 00:16:20,647 He takes what he wants. 417 00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:24,484 You know what? 418 00:16:24,568 --> 00:16:27,279 I think you're attractive and I want to sleep with you. 419 00:16:27,571 --> 00:16:28,613 What about Kelly? 420 00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:30,532 You read my mind. 421 00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:32,159 Is this a joke? 422 00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:37,914 It's hard to live that way, man. 423 00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:40,750 You gotta really not care what people think about you, right? 424 00:16:41,251 --> 00:16:44,129 I don't know how you do it, Michael. I can't be that cold. 425 00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:47,090 You'll learn, baby, you'll learn. 426 00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:56,933 Dwight: I am an honorable man and I will honor the contract. 427 00:16:57,434 --> 00:16:59,227 But I don't have to give her the good stuff. 428 00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:03,023 Schrute sperm are strong, but they're no match for a grown schrute man. 429 00:17:03,106 --> 00:17:04,191 (Screaming) 430 00:17:04,316 --> 00:17:06,610 (Chuckles) Let's see what she gets. 431 00:17:07,277 --> 00:17:08,361 (Screaming) 432 00:17:11,948 --> 00:17:13,533 Boss, we're out of paper. 433 00:17:13,617 --> 00:17:14,618 Yeah, I noticed that. 434 00:17:14,743 --> 00:17:16,620 Aren't you gonna add any more? Nope. 435 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:19,331 He don't give an f about nothing. 436 00:17:19,623 --> 00:17:21,833 I have got big balls. 437 00:17:23,126 --> 00:17:24,586 I don't think I'm gonna make it. 438 00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:26,629 (Yawning) What about an energy drink or something? 439 00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:30,133 It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it, Cece drinks it six hours later. 440 00:17:30,342 --> 00:17:31,611 Well, it doesn't mean I can't drink it. 441 00:17:31,635 --> 00:17:33,011 Well, it does and it doesn't. 442 00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:36,306 I probably shouldn't tell you this, 443 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:40,060 but a lot guys in the warehouse work multiple jobs, 444 00:17:40,143 --> 00:17:41,228 so we have a place. 445 00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:42,812 A place? 446 00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:44,022 A restful location. 447 00:17:44,648 --> 00:17:46,608 Talk to Glen, he'll take you up in the lift. 448 00:17:46,983 --> 00:17:48,485 You sleep in the warehouse? 449 00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:52,113 Light bulb's burned out, so it's dark. 450 00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:56,034 And the heat from the backup generator keeps it nice and warm. 451 00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:59,496 Sometimes I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at home. 452 00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:04,000 But as far as the rest of the office goes, it doesn't exist. Okay? 453 00:18:04,084 --> 00:18:05,335 Pam? Okay. 454 00:18:05,627 --> 00:18:06,795 Okay. 455 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:09,422 For your signature. 456 00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:10,548 Okay. 457 00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:17,472 Phyms? 458 00:18:19,516 --> 00:18:20,642 Okay, look at me. 459 00:18:22,978 --> 00:18:26,815 Phyllis, look at... Okay, that's... 460 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:31,111 All right, all right, you know what? I'm sick of this. 461 00:18:31,194 --> 00:18:34,114 I'm sick of the little disapproving head shakes. 462 00:18:34,197 --> 00:18:36,658 If you think that's going to have any effect on me, 463 00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:37,867 it will not. 464 00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:41,871 I am going to leave right now and go to a motel to meet Donna. 465 00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:43,540 Why not your condo? 466 00:18:43,748 --> 00:18:47,377 Because a motel is dirty, and it is sexy. 467 00:18:47,836 --> 00:18:50,088 Like me and like Donna. 468 00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:53,675 And frankly, the stuff that we're into isn't very condo-appropriate. 469 00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:55,468 Michael, will you drop it? 470 00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:58,346 Everybody's spoken their mind and no one's changing their mind. 471 00:18:58,513 --> 00:19:01,141 Okay, Morgan Freeman narrating everything. 472 00:19:01,224 --> 00:19:03,035 Do you want someone to stop you? Because no one's going to. 473 00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:05,270 Nobody better try to stop me. 474 00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,189 Good. 475 00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:11,109 I could have stopped him. 476 00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:12,944 (Car lock beeping) 477 00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:19,659 Are you warmed up? No. 478 00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:21,870 God, Angela, why is that always my responsibility? 479 00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:25,725 Angela: What did you do to yourself? 480 00:19:25,749 --> 00:19:27,334 Dwight: Never mind. Just... never mind. 481 00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:29,961 Angela: Well, it better work. Dwight: It'll work. 482 00:19:31,212 --> 00:19:32,839 Stop kissing me. (Angela scoffing) 483 00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:34,090 It's not in the contract. 484 00:20:12,587 --> 00:20:15,090 Michael: How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? 485 00:20:15,465 --> 00:20:18,593 Good. Moral. I feel proud. 486 00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:20,261 Like a grown-up. 487 00:20:20,345 --> 00:20:21,388 (Cell phone beeping) 488 00:20:21,471 --> 00:20:25,100 That was not easy because I really liked her a lot. 489 00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:27,352 I'm a little bit emotional right now 490 00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:32,023 because I know that I absolutely made the right decision. 491 00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:35,318 At the end of the day, we have to do what's right. 492 00:20:35,777 --> 00:20:37,862 And it was either living with myself 493 00:20:39,656 --> 00:20:41,616 or being happy. 494 00:20:44,828 --> 00:20:46,329 And I picked 495 00:20:47,163 --> 00:20:48,164 the 496 00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:51,251 former. 497 00:20:55,338 --> 00:20:57,173 Hmchaelscofl? Yes? 498 00:20:57,841 --> 00:20:59,561 Do you want to make a comment on the rumors? 499 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:00,844 (Sighing) Um... 500 00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:04,264 I have done some very bad things. 501 00:21:05,014 --> 00:21:06,933 Things of which I'm not proud. 502 00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:10,812 I would like to publicly apologize 503 00:21:11,729 --> 00:21:13,314 to the coach and the players, 504 00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:16,609 and I vow to never 505 00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:21,281 listen to my bodily instincts ever again. 506 00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:24,868 I'm talking about the sabre printers that catch on fire. 507 00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:29,581 Oh! Okay, I was talking about... what's going on?