Hey, everybody! It's closing time!
You don't gotta go home, but you can't stay here.
Closing time!
Every office needs an end-of-the-day tradition.
Something to tell you the day's over.
Othennise, you go home and the night just feels like more day.
It's weird.
Closing time!
W, r, k.
One last call for alcohol so...
No, it's w, r, k, as in kitten?
So finish your whiskey or beer!
Oh, my boss is singing closing time,
maybe that's what you're hearing.
Andy: Come on, Pam!
Both: Closing time!
Time for you to go home to the places you will be from
let's see, Andy has been manager for 105 days,
which means I've heard closing time 105 times.
Still don't know the words.
Home and home and home
I know who I want to take me home!
I know who I want to take me home
take me home
you know what? Fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys,
but if you don't want to sing, no traditions!
Closing time!
Every new beginning...
I never heard that song before and once I heard it, I did not care for it.
But that song means it's time to go home.
Now, it's my favorite song.
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end
good night!
This report is atrocious. Who's your favorite iron chef?
You go first.
The ticketing software paints a picture
of a sloppy, careless, error-prone office.
Well, the monitoring software is a double-edged sword.
Sometimes the...
Sorry. Go ahead.
Mmm-hmm.
Did you need something from us?
Yes.
Your attention, because_.
No. That is all.
Last night, I dreamed that the number two
was the most valued number in the world.
The vice president had all the power,
athletes fought for silver medals,
women were considered the best gender.
And stadiums of fans shouted, "we're number two!"
As with all my dreams, I'm guessing
it was about my fear of immigrants.
Last week, an accounting mistake resulted in
a client getting their order for free.
Ohh! That's not good.
Chalk that one up to "tweedle-Dee" and "tweedle-dum" out there.
Who are they? They're both Kevin.
Oscar's the sex and the city gang,
and Angela, if you can...
Andy, sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all.
I would agree with that.
Simply end the mistakes.
End the mistakes. Easy.
When I come back next week, and this report shows me "no mistakes,"
we can talk about names all day.
Our favorite names, silly made-up names,
normal names said in a silly voice. Wouldn't that be nice?
I would like that.
End the mistakes.
That's all I ask.
And you can't have a favorite iron chef.
It depends entirely on the secret ingredient.
Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all.
I'm just saying, with the NBA lockout,
I think roller derby's in a really good place right now.
So, my pitch is, me, Pam, you and someone else,
maybe justine...
No. Not justine.
Neverjusfine.
Is that off again?
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Hey, mandatory warehouse safety meeting today.
We don't really do those. We just sign the thing.
Are you really this lazy?
I'll be there.
Hey. Hey.
Mondays suck!
Yeah. Yep.
Just trying to...
I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem.
This is a project I've been working on for quite some time.
And today might be the day to use it.
What've you got?
Allow me.
You're gonna love this.
Should've used a shorter string.
Never mind, I know it by heart.
It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work.
Sounds controversial.
Have I not been worthy of your trust?
Have I not been a reliable number two?
Do not go there.
You're the deuce I never want to drop.
Well, I can make this work.
I'll set it up right now. I just need your go ahead.
Go do the voodoo that you do so well!
I will do my voodoo.
Mmm-hmm.
Hey. I need you to get the papen/vork rolling
on a new workplace relationship.
Foryou?
Yes, for Gabe.
Who are you seeing? That's great.
Whom I am seeing is val, from down in the warehouse.
I'm not technically seeing her,
but, I've seen her with the eyes.
And there was attraction in at least one direction, so...
You know, I don't have to do papennork unless you're actually dating.
Okay. Well, once this starts, it's gonna be moving fast,
it's gonna be hot and heavy, and I don't want
a bunch of bureaucratic red tape
wrapped around myjock, you know?
But I mean, well, have you talked to her?
Yeah. We had a whole conversation about mondays.
Do you know her last name yet?
Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow,
because she's gonna be screaming it tonight.
She's gonna be screaming her own last name?
Hey, watch it.
Good luck, Gabe.
Hi, guys. Hi.
I just wanna say that you all have been doing amazing work, really.
Thank you. And I'd like to add
that your work has been a little sloppy.
So, Dwight and I have implemented
a new program that we like to call...
Dwight?
The accountability booster.
It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office,
from a late delivery, to an accounting error.
Five strikes in a day equals a home run.
One home run and you're out.
If we as a group make five mistakes in a day,
something bad happens. Like, we block minesweeper!
Or, in this case, an e-mail gets sent to Robert California
containing the consultant's report from last year.
Remember the one that recommended the branch be shut down?
All: What? And, as a failsafe, also,
every negative e-mail you've ever written about him to the group
will also be fonnarded to him.
What e-mails are you talking about?
Robert's favorite songs, creep by tlc, creep by radiohead.
You remember that one, Jim?
"There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper."
Oscar.
"He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him."
Kelly.
That's not that bad, actually.
Ps, "we should kill him."
Wait. So, you installed a doomsday device?
No, it's an accountability booster.
Which, when it goes off, it destroys everything,
very similar to a doomsday device.
Jim, you're trying to make me sound like some kind of evil maniac.
No, the point is, is that we are now working in an environment
where we have accountability to each other.
I am confident that you guys are equal to the task.
No, we're not. And you are a psycho who is ruining our lives.
We can't do this, Dwight. We can't.
Smile.
Nod. Smile and nod.
They're making me out to be a bond villain.
I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist
who will stop at nothing to remake the world.
Like...
Not doctor Moreau, someone good.
Doctor Frankenstein.
Doctor Jekyll, not them.
Doctor...
Are you sure this is a good idea?
I mean, the thing about this office is, we make a lot of mistakes.
But the device will change that.
Without a safety net, people will improve.
All right, everybody, looks like we need to be getting to work.
Be extra careful, double-check everything.
Or the accountability booster will get you.
This doomsday device sounds like a scare tactic to me.
There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham,
we just make a mistake.
I'll send an order down to shipping before we've received payment.
Dwight: There's one mistake.
Now we only have four strikes left until a home run.
Dwight's our co-worker and he worked really hard
on this doomsday device. So, I...
It's not a doomsday device! Gosh!
We can do this, you guys.
First!
Second! Ltsnotarace.
Third!
Who knows what the belt is for?
Gabe: It's for protecting my ass
when you suckers lift more than you can handle.
What's up? I'm Gabe.
Corporate. Continue.
Don't be nervous.
Apparently, we have a visitor.
Gabe, everyone.
Hi, Gabe!
All right, so the support belt. Now this one is mine.
Doesn't get much use nowadays.
Look at this. This is enormous.
I get the sense that val enjoys a good put-down.
Considering that's the only thing I know about her,
I will be milking that hard.
It's like a hula-hoop, right?
Mele kalikimaka is Hawaii's way
You done?
The michelin man called, he wants his cummerbund back.
Remember, we have to get regal escrow their refund by 5:00.
I'm on it!
Kevin, maybe I should handle that.
We really need you to focus on your project.
Good thinking.
Apparently, a big client for this company
needs to know the story of how paper gets made.
Oscar, use a calculator.
When the stakes are this high there's only one computer that I trust.
And it's powered by Thai food and Spanish reds.
All right, everybody, you're doing great.
Well, iwouldn't say that. Three mistakes already is pretty terrible.
But I do see improvement.
Meredith kept someone on hold for 30 minutes,
and now look, she's hard at work.
Dwight, question. No questions.
If this doomsday device goes off...
Accountability booster.
If this bad idea goes off
and we all lose our jobs, are you gonna feel good about that?
I haven't even considered it.
That's how sure I am that this accountability booster is gonna work.
Try "mose-1-2-3-4."
Dwight would never be that obvious. Try something like...
"Z-6-4-$-8."
Not that exactly, Jim, something like that.
Okay.
How about "Scranton-strangler-6-6-6"?
Nope.
Shoot.
You guys are never gonna shut down the machine, okay?
But I appreciate your energy and your teamwork.
You apply this to your regular work,
you won't even notice that the device is there,
watching you, ready to strike.
What's Dwight's mother's name?
Hedda.
Once you've read the packet, sign the back.
Hey, Darryl. I was thinking,
maybe while we read through this,
you could grab us all some coffee?
My treat.
Here's a $100 bill.
That should cover it, I think.
Don't bring me any of that caramel soy latte crap, okay?
I want a decaf frappuccino.
Val?
Actually, val, why don't you come with?
I'll need the extra hands to carry them back.
Val: Yeah, sure.
Mmm-hmm.
Caramel soy latte.
No, a decaf frap.
Got it.
You sent the late notice to rinehart and wolfe, right?
Mmm-hmm. 64620.
67620.
Nuh-uh. Yes!
588 plus 15%...
Oh, no! Kevin: What does this mean?
What does it mean? Oscar: Andy.
Oh!
God!
That's five strikes.
Well,
I was saving this for my retirement which I guess is today.
Dwight, we got five strikes.
Really?
Did the e-mail go out or...
It goes out automatically at 5:00 pm.
Well, then there's gotta be a way to stop it.
Well, I would have to enter my password in order to cancel it.
Okay!
Dwight, you may now enter your password.
Andy: What? What?
You don't deserve to have this branch.
Five mistakes in less than a day?
We did our best.
No, you didn't, Phyllis.
You complained the whole time,
you yelled at me, you tried to break into the machine.
Dwight: What?
You're a real crumb burn, you know that?
Hey, you can't just change the rules
because you don't like the outcome.
What about you, Kevin? What about you and your fake task?
Can you tell me now where paper comes from?
The man tree puts its penis...
Okay. All right, Andy, back me up here, please.
What?
Dwight, be human for once, shut down the machine.
Shut it down! Shut it down.
Shut down the machine!
Shut it down!
Good luck finding a new job, idiots.
I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference.
Glowingly negative!
Dwight's car is gone.
I bet he went home.
Some of us should go there, try to talk some sense into him.
Get him to stop that e-mail.
Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you,
and your breasts are enormous, that could help us.
Kevin has that lovability.
Guys, come on!
I'm right here.
Jim, I want you to go find Robert. Just be where he is,
in case that e-mail goes out at 5:00,
you can try to delete it or something.
Okay. Where is he?
He's at some club where you either eat squash or play squash.
|'|| try both.
Did you come to reason with me?
Got you something.
And I just really want to talk to you.
Get lost.
Well, now hold on...
What are you doing?
What does it look like I'm doing?
Digging a grave for a horse.
Do you need a hand?
Yeah, you need a hand?
If you hit another horse, you've dug too far.
Robert: I'll see you next week, will.
Robefl!
Jim, what are you...
What a surprise!
Yeah. Well, you know, I just had a meeting, a squash meeting.
Yeah?
You up for a game?
A game? Or a match?
Exactly! Here we go.
Let's do it.
Are you okay, Kevin?
Where are you going?
In. I'm hungry.
Could we come in, too? Just for some water?
Okay. Take off your shoes.
Except you, Kevin. They stay on.
Wow, I forgot how pretty your house is.
This is the newest addition, built by erasmus schrute in 1808.
It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.
That's too much doodle, and not enough lab.
Yeah, when are they gonna do a labradoodle that's just lab?
That's what I'm saying.
Hey.
You're welcome. Thanks for the coffee.
So, tonight I was thinking, I'm gonna go to the cemetery,
I'm gonna drink a little wine,
and I thought maybe you'd like to come with me.
Are you asking me on a date?
Yes, I am.
Because I don't date coworkers.
It's not personal. It's a matter of policy.
I could quit.
Problem solved.
Don't quit.
Good policy. It's sensible.
Smart.
All right. Serving.
Serving, serving, serving.
In the box. In the box.
Why haven't we heard anything?
It's 4:45. There's only 15 minutes left.
Oh, now you can do math?
Where were you two hours ago, beautiful mind?
I made a mistake, I'm sorry!
I know how to save the company, everyone.
Just write a petition, get everyone's signature,
including our clients, march down to Florida
and shove it up your butt.
It's not that funny.
Pam, you got something on your shirt.
Oh!
Well, pobody's nerfect, right?
Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's "nobody's perfect."
Nice stroke, Pam.
No, it's a jokey saying.
"Pobody's nerfect."
Like, I can't even say those words right.
I hadn't heard that before.
That's funny.
Dwight, there's just the small...
You know what would go so great with this cabbage pie?
Milk.
Any specific animal?
I'm thinking cow. Don't say cow.
What are you doing? It's five to 5:00.
Just don't talk about the e-mail, okay?
He's gonna cancel it on his own. I really think he will.
Thatsinsane! Justtrustrne.
Trust you? Like I trusted Dwight this morning?
I got this.
Thanks for everything.
Sive drafely.
Wasn't it supposed to be drive safely?
Is that my phone?
Sounded like mine.
No, I think it's mine. Let me just check real quick here.
All right.
No, it's mine. You took it out of my bag.
Oh. Oops.
Yeah. Can I have it?
Yes.
Right now?
Yes. There you go.
Whoa! No! Wait, wait!
What the?
Jim: Oh, man. I'm sorry!
Jesus! Did it break?
No, it's good, thanks. You sure?
Yeah.
What kind of iPhone is that?
It's the standard one, the one everyone has.
Yeah. I have the one that nobody has.
Is there anything interesting?
It depends, Jim. Do you find one-day-only
jetblue sales to buffalo interesting?
No, I don't.
All right!
Well, I am sore and obviously horrible at this.
My serve!
Dwight stopped the device!
All: Yes!
He stopped it!
All: Yes!
We still have our jobs.
They're not my favorite people in the world.
I wouldn't even call them friends.
They come over here, eat my pie,
dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen.
God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't I?
Just take it easy. Nice and easy.
Classic, right?
Robert: Ooh!
I'm all right. You all right?
Yeah. Skinned knee.
Yeah.
Need a little ice on that, maybe.
Yeah. That does not feel good.
Okay. My serve.