Oh, man, my delts are blasted.
I wish they had a chart for how much protein powder to scoop
for a 180-pound man with no fat.
Protein powder, huh? You cut it with water?
Why don't you just take estrogen?
Here.
(Coughing)
There you go, boys. See how papa takes care of you.
(Laughs)
I remember when people thought biceps were all that.
They'd flex them all night at the discotheque.
I bet you think it's all about core, huh?
Yeah.
Core's critical.
There are four tenets of pilates that I live my life by.
One, lengthen.
Two, elongate.
Listen, guys. I think we all want to know the same thing, right?
Who's the strongest?
There's only one way to solve that.
Thigh curl contest.
All right, here we go, everybody.
May the manliest man win.
(Grunting)
Dwight: Feast on this, Lewis!
I love the burn. The burn is where I live.
Come on, Gabe. You can't handle his hamstrings.
You're getting hypno-thized.
Gabe: Speed set. One...
One, two...
Here, this is for your elbows. For your elbows.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Five, six... Meredith: Seven.
Quick phone call for you guys. Keep going. Eight.
All: Nine.
Hello? All: Ten.
Jim: We got it?
Very funny, Jim.
Yeah, Jim.
Way to mock us for perfecting our bodies.
Everyone, conference room. Now.
(Groans)
All right. Easy there, grandpa.
I don't need your help.
Okay, you don't need my help?
Here, here, just...
Hey. Morning.
Somebody left in such a hurry this morning that she forgot
these.
You know, the only thing more delicious than your feet
is the feast that I am going to prepare for everyone.
Andy, if you're going to hang out for a while...
What's this?
This dumb, new rule Robert made.
He just wants visitors to sign in.
Is this Robert's attempt to embarrass me?
No, of course not.
It's just... I think it's like if we make an exception for you,
then we have to make an exception for the water guy,
and then it's like, "where does it end?" So, just...
Andy: Why is it when other people spend all their time at the office,
they're rewarded for it, and when I do it,
I am told, "it's a little much"?
Is it because I'm not an employee anymore?
Because that's what it feels like.
All right, enjoy the Illinois game.
Good, we have a deal?
Thanks, Janet. Thanks so much, Earl.
Wow. A simultaneous sale.
And they said it couldn't be done. Boom. Screw them.
A lot going on, guys. What's happening?
The binghamton branch closed last night,
and all their clients are up for grabs.
That was a fine branch.
Things are really bad under Robert California, I guess.
It's like a festival of poo.
Hey, come on, language.
Yeah, and we're not interested in your sour grapes, okay?
Jim, tell him where he can stick his grapes.
In the fridge.
No, Jim. The butt, in his butt.
Sorry, man, I can't focus on zingers.
There's too many potential clients.
You two better watch yourselves.
Yeah, the Syracuse branch can't be happy
you're taking New York clients.
(Shushing)
(Retching)
Robert, why did binghamton close?
Can everyone just... please.
I had a one-man saturnalia last night
in celebration of the finalization of my divorce.
I got into a case ofaustralian reds,
and, how should I say this, Colombian whites.
Wait, what is this about binghamton?
The branch closed, forever.
Closing the binghamton branch never occurred to me before today.
Or, I guess, last night.
But, in vino veritas, as they say.
I'm not going to start doubting my drunken self now.
I got your voice mail from last night.
Wonderful.
And the answer is yes, yes, yes, yes,
and never.
Pam, when's the last time you lived so intensely
that your brain, literally, couldn't hold the memories in?
It was the summer...
Apparently, I left a phone message
for Nellie last night, and I need you to find out what I said.
Um, I am a little busy.
Yes.
Of course.
Why don't you list the things that would keep you from helping me?
Yeah. I can make you a list.
Let's do it now.
What's number one?
Why don't I help you now? Okay. There we go.
Who the hell are Jim Halpert and Dwight schrute?
Jim, Dwight, what are your last names?
And you are?
Harry jannerone, dunder Mifflin Syracuse.
What the hell's all this?
Cherries jubilee over home-made gelato.
You live well down here in pa. I want to talk to you guys right now.
And Lloyd gross, too.
Which one's that guy?
The salesmen have a commission cap,
but we figured out a way around it.
Lloyd gross is a fictional salesman we invented to...
How do I put this? Steal from the company, embezzle, to commit fraud.
Okay, it sounds sketchy, but it helps us get more money.
Yes.
Pam made a drawing of Lloyd.
He is a blend of all the salesmen.
There he is.
That's Lloyd. Me?
Yeah, you.
Where do you get off crossing state lines?
Now, we're actually closer to binghamton than you are,
kemo sabe.
I like to think Lloyd gross is a no-nonsense guy
who doesn't back down from anybody,
and he calls people "kemo sabe."
They're New York, we're New York.
State line is the dividing line.
That's the way it's always been.
There's actually not a rule that says that. It's true.
It's true. There's no rule. You can check the employee handbook.
Can I check the employee handbook, Lloyd?
Does it say anything about me choking a man with my bare hands?
Wait, no? Are you kidding me? You told me there was a rule.
I could have choked so many people by now.
Stay out of my state. It's in your best interest to stay out of my state.
I've seen guys like you, big guys
who like to push the little guys around.
Lloyd gross eats bullies like you for breakfast.
Stay out of New York, Lloyd!
Text from the old wife. I'm going to take that.
How about this, why don't we just ask Robert?
Can we all agree that maybe the ceo should decide this?
Robert's here?
Look at us, bickering like school girls,
looking around the room for things to hit each other with.
I don't think we were doing that.
Chair, lamp, plant, table leg, Jim's leg.
Where's the advil, Jim? I think I've hit my limit on the Tylenol...
Sorry, not Jim.
Andrew, what do we have to do to get rid of you?
Hire you back and send Erin back to Florida?
Message received loud and clear.
Just have to get the caramelized sugar
off the pan before it dries.
Oh, for god's sake...
Robert California, what a surprise you're here in Scranton.
Harry.
So, why would you close binghamton down
without a transition plan in place?
How do you mean?
I forgot...
No, no, no, kid, stay there. Do your dishes. Go ahead.
Harry, there is a time for every decision
predetermined many years ago.
There's no benefit in questioning why
this particular decision seems
so poorly timed.
Okay, what are you deciding? We get a say.
Listen, Robert, I don't have time. There's a big client in play,
prestige direct mail solutions
used to be binghamton's... Don't listen to him.
Nope. I want it. It's mine.
Prestige is ours.
Okay, they're responsible for half of the junk mail
on the eastern seaboard. We get them.
We already put a call in to them, Robert.
We need you to make a decision.
Make a decision. I have decided.
Neither of you are to have any contact
with either prestige or any other binghamton client
until I've figured out how to divide things up.
As Solomon once said...
There's some bizarre energy in this place today.
Robert going off the rails, making some funky decisions.
Like why is nobody going to call on prestige?
That is a huge client.
They could give their business to
the first person to walk in the door.
Could be any idiot.
Any idiot at all.
Shaping a company is, in a sense, similar to training a geisha.
You have to mold not merely the physical form,
but also the character. The two must harmonize.
Are they still there?
They want a decision, who gets the big client.
They can wait.
I'll still be talking about geishas long past their bedtime.
You know, I trained as one.
Is it just me, or is our boss a freaking weirdo?
I'm going to get some air.
Jim, you know what would be really dastardly?
If we snuck out of here and got to the client first.
(Chuckles)
He's running!
Damn it!
Damn it.
What... what is this supposed to be?
It's a monkey.
Jim, get real. This is not a monkey.
It's got a hula skirt and a que nose.
Hold on. Hold on. Is this him?
What? Is that him?
It's him! Do something! Get out! Go!
Jim: What? What am I going to do? I don't...
Go slash his tires! Go dent his hood!
Dwight: That's it?
That's great. That's like a 5-second delay.
Jim: Dwight!
Dwight: Go!
Does this thing have turbo? Nitrous? Hit the nos.
Nos? You mean like in fast & furious?
Yeah. Oh, yeah, I definitely have nos.
Hit the nos. Are you sure?
Yes. We got it! Go! Brace yourself. Three, two, one.
Here we go!
Hello. Andy Bernard to see the ceo.
Oh. Do you have an appointment?
No, I do not.
Okay. I think I can squeeze you in.
Seriously?
Because I could just be anyone. I thought
I was going to have to convince you.
He's really not that busy.
Is there someone here to see me?
Yes. This man.
Come on in.
So, what do you make of this Robert California guy?
What does a guy like that do on an average weeknight.
I'll tell you what he does.
Hello. Hello, my clucking hens.
Got room for another in the roost?
Huh? Don't worry. I won't lay an egg.
Robert sent me to take over if Pam fails.
If? (Laughing)
I have been crunching numbers all day.
Math is for boys.
I need girl talk.
Did someone say "girl talk?"
Sometimes I wonder if I have ovaries in my scrotum
because I am great at girl talk.
Have you guys been watching any good Korean soap operas?
I'm pretty deep into hee-jung cinderella girl.
Although, I definitely fast-forward through the Yung tae storylines.
Do you think I'd like that? Or is it important to have an Asian fetish?
I think you're going to need to have an Asian fetish. Yeah.
It'll be upsetting if you don't.
I'm a former paper executive. I know the product. I know the margins.
I can save you 25% on your costs.
Why haven't I heard of you? You got any references?
No. I'm a rogue.
Uh-huh. Which is the best part.
That means you will be my first customer,
and your business will get 100% of my attention.
Now, I have written down my personal phone number.
You call this any time.
Every salesman I've ever met has given me his personal phone number.
Of course they have, which is why I'm giving you
a key to my house.
Whatever you need, any time, night or day, you just stop on by.
You want me to drive to your house if! Need paper?
Maybe you just want someone to talk to,
maybe you need a place to crash for a couple of days.
My wireless password is "eat, pray, love."
Easy to remember.
Ready? Go, go, go!
(Yelling)
Yeah. You all right?
(Both exclaim)
Dwight, what are you doing?
Shh.
Go! Go! Take the stairs, now! What are you talking about?
Just run! Take the stairs! I don't even know where the stairs are.
Dwight: I'll stall him. Go!
What are you doing?
I'm going to activate the seismic fail-safe.
We'll be stuck between floors for hours.
Oh!
My pants fell down. What?
My pants fell down! I don't have a belt!
Hello, sir, good day. Dwight k. Schrute, dunder Mifflin Scranton.
Forgive my pants, they fell down.
An appointment with Mr. Ramish, please. Right now is fine.
No, no, no. I was here first. Dwight k. Schrute, dunder Mifflin Scranton.
Hi, guys. What's going on?
Mr. Ramish, Harry jannerone, dunder Mifflin Syracuse.
I was here first. Sorry about this mix-up. Okay.
I already made an appointment with your secretary.
Let me stop you all right here.
I've already picked a new paper supplier.
Wait, it's not dm utica, is it?
No, no, it's not dunder Mifflin at all, actually. It's big red paper company.
Big red paper company?
Mmm-hmm.
Yes, yes, yes!
Get me a cup of coffee.
Me too.
Or do you also have a monopoly on thirst?
All right, guys, it didn't work out for any of us,
so we're still on the same team.
Let me get these. No.
Let him get his own. He's got Syracuse money.
You know your partner's got a lot of attitude, but I like that.
How long you guys been dating?
Jim couldn't land me in a thousand years.
But you're saying there's a chance.
Shut up.
Hey.
I stole Nellie's phone.
Excellent. Excellent.
Though troubling that your first instinct is thievery.
What do you want from me?
Now we get to the bottom of Nellie's, "yes, yes, yes, yes, never."
Hello, Nell, it's mum.
Do keep your chin up. It can't possibly be as bad as you describe.
(Laughing) Oh, yes, it can.
Man: This is mastercard. You are over the limit.
Send the minimum payment of $448 by Monday,
or we will be forced to send it to collections.
Shopaholic.
Soundshkeit yeah.
Hi, sis. Is your boss still hitting on you?
Woman: This is Annie from second nests.
I'm sorry, but the Romanian orphanage felt more comfortable
with a two-person nuclear family than a single mother,
so we're going to hold out for that. Okay, that's enough.
No, no, no. Pam, we need to get to the bottom of this.
No. No. Come on. Come on.
Robert, okay... so, I deleted them all. They're all deleted.
Pam, you've completely bungled this.
Hey.
Can I do it, Pam? Can I pull off a gold arabian sandal?
Yes. Definitely. With your hair, certainly.
You dropped your cell phone.
Oh, gosh. Yep.
Thank you. I'm so stupid.
No. My goodness, you just...
You have a lot going on with Robert and everything.
Oh, god, Pam, don't get me started.
No, I will not.
You've just got me started.
Robert is a filthy beast.
Don't you get the feeling every time he looks at you,
he's just thinking of 15 different ways to do you?
Well...
The man talks of nothing but sex.
Sometimes he talks about flesh and bacchanals.
Oh, yeah.
I cannot even tell you what he left on my phone last night.
No.don't just put it out of your mind.
Pam, what is your address?
I'm going to send you a pair of these gold harem shoes.
Oh. No, you don't... yes.
Come on, a little gold arabian slipper.
Things are looking up.
I might be a mother soon.
I have mastercard right where I want them,
and I have a new friend.
A friend.
At work.
Erin.
There's a call for you on line 1.
Who is it?
He says, "salvation." No last name.
Yeah, hello.
You once put me on a list of the losers in the office.
This ioserjust got your biggest client
to give him all their business.
So, hire me back, that business is yours.
Don't, and I will find another buyer.
You're blackmailing me.
It's just business.
I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged,
effete, soft-penised debutant.
You want to start a street fight with me, bring it on,
but you're going to be surprised by how ugly it gets.
You don't even know my real name. I'm the (bleep) Lizard king.
Whoa.
Well, I gave him a chance.
(Doorbell rings)
Andy Bernard?
You got a minute?
I'm in the middle of a piano lesson.
I wanted to see if could interest you in an investment,
dunder Mifflin.
Dunder Mifflin. Now, why would I want that?
It's worth half what it was three years ago.
Exactly.
And you know better than anyone that with the right management,
it could be worth twice what you would pay for it today.
Why don't you come in?
So, what would you do if you weren't selling paper?
Oh, man, I'd have to sell beets,
probably submit them for competition.
What?
Yeah, I know it sounds stupid,
but nationals has always kind of been a dream of mine.
How have we never talked about this before?
Wait, you don't even care about nationals.
Nothing?
I don't know. I've always wanted to own a bike shop, but...
What about you?
I'd like to sell one big thing, you know?
Like a plane.
One sale. I'm out.
That sounds lovely.
Anyway, Robert's going to run this company into the ground,
so we won't be doing this in six months.