CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(theme music playing)
D'oh. (screams)
-(all grunt) -(laughs)
Look, Dad, they've got every kind of paper...
loose-leaf, graph, unlined... (gasps)
college-ruled.
Can't you just write on your arm like I do?
(humming)
All you're getting is rubber bands and paper clips?
-Don't you need a notebook or something? -Nah.
These days, everything's done on computers.
And staplers. Computers and staplers.
(growling)
Krusty's Speak and Say?
"S" is for "shiksa."
S-H-I, uh...
I think there's a "T" in there somewhere.
Ah, look it up.
(gasps) Lisa! Stay cool, Milly.
(grunts)
Oh, hi, Lisa.
Did you have a nice summer?
Don't you hate that we have to go back to stupid school tomorrow?
I like school.
Uh, me, too!
We have so much in common.
You have a pen glued to your cowlick.
If you don't like it, it's gone.
(grunts)
Uh... you want this?
No.
Yo, Apu, give me the usual.
(Indian accent) Yes, sir.
One kwik-e-dog, one bubble gum cigar,
and the latest issue of Success magazine.
Mmm. Hey, this hot dog tastes different.
Yes, I just cleaned out the machine, sir,
so the snack you are enjoying has not been soaking in putrid grease.
Yeah, but... without the grease all you can taste is the hog anus.
I'm so sorry, but I sold it all to the rendering plant.
People buy grease?
Oh, yes. They use it to make products such as soap, cosmetics, baby food...
Used grease is worth money? (gasps)
Then my arteries are clogged with yellow gold!
I'm rich, Apu! Rich, I--
(chokes)
(sighs)
Money in the bank.
Okay, this bacon's done.
And now for the profit taking.
(chuckling)
Uh, Dad, I don't think the dog can handle any more bacon.
(whimpers)
HOMER: Looks like he's about ready for another squeezin'.
Homer, that side of bacon was for my bridge game tonight.
Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now
achieving financial independence.
With cans of grease?
(sarcastically) No. Through savings and wise investments.
Of course, with grease.
-(vehicles brakes) -Come on, Bart, the bus is here.
-Where do you think you are going? -(grunts)
-It's the first day of school. -Not for you, it isn't.
You're in the grease business now.
Then the doctor told me that both my eyes were lazy,
and that's why it was the best summer ever.
Thank you, Ralph.
Now take your seat.
NELSON: Hey, Blindy, have a nice trip!
(screams)
SKINNER (over speaker): Attention, please, I need a volunteer for a thankless chore.
Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson's?
Thank you, Lisa.
We have a new student, Lisa,
and I want you to show her the works,
the lunchroom, the tree...
but when you get to the trophy case, give her some cock-and-bull story.
They're... out for cleaning, or whatever.
Don't worry. I'll help her out.
I remember how hard it was to be an outsider.
Always trying to fit in, never quite feeling like--
Lisa, I'd like you to meet Alex Whitney.
Your name's Lisa?
Shut up. I love that name!
Did she just tell me to shut up?
Take it outside.
You want a locker in this hallway.
It's library-adjacent.
Is that perfume?
Oh... (giggles) don't be such a Phoebe.
It's Pretension, by Calvin Klein.
Want to try some?
(coughing) Mm-mm.
'Kay, so what's the haps in Springfield? What do you guys, like, do for fun?
Well, you'll definitely want to get yourself a good doll.
The new Malibu Stacy has an achievable chest.
Dolls? Really?
Okay, what else you got?
Oh, Jacks. Jacks are big.
They went out for a while but then they came roaring back.
Oh, you mean that game with the little rubber ball?
Oh, don't worry. You'll pick it up fast.
Once you get to foursies, you're in the zone.
Uh-huh.
Isn't that trophy case supposed to have trophies?
Uh, they were all wiped out in the big trophy fire.
Ah, I see the trophies are still out for cleaning.
-Eh, Lisa? (laughs) -(chuckling nervously)
Okay, boy, this is where all the hard work,
sacrifice, and painful scoldings pay off.
Four pounds of grease...
that comes to... 63 cents.
Whoo-hoo!
Dad, all that bacon cost $27.
Yeah, but your mom paid for that.
-But doesn't she get her money from you? -And I get my money from grease.
What's the problem?
Wow. Look at that load of grease.
Boy, if we're ever gonna earn paper money we have to expand our operation.
Um, I don't know how much more school I can miss.
Oh, you'll miss plenty.
I have a feeling this business is going to consume our whole lives.
(overlapping conversation)
Alex, over here!
Okay if the new girl sits with us?
-Oh, I guess. -Okay, I guess.
She's a little weird but let's give her a chance.
Guys, this is Alex.
-Hi, there. -Hi.
Ooh, twins.
Which one is the evil one?
(Alex laughing)
(laughing nervously)
Okay... I'll go get our lunches.
-So, Alex-- -(phone ringing)
Just a sec.
-Hello? -(all exclaiming)
Oh, yeah, like I'd be seen with a discover card.
You have a cell phone?
And a purse?
That's it, don't be shy.
Now maybe a little joke to break the ice.
(girls laughing)
Or a big joke.
Careful, now. Nobody likes a showoff.
Where are they going?
Hey, wait up!
They left without me.
MILHOUSE: Oh, Lisa...
I've got an extra seat, and you've got an extra lunch.
(laughing)
Catch my drift? (laughs)
Milhouse, lower those eyebrows.
And the other one.
Hmm...
So, there I am, being nice to Alex,
and she takes all of my friends and ditches me.
I'm sure they didn't ditch you, honey.
Maybe they went off to plan a surprise party for you.
(laughing) Yeah.
Good one, Mom.
They only like her cause she acts so grown-up
with her perfume and her cell phone and...
(gasps) Oh, and get this, Mom,
she drinks iced tea.
Lisa, I can't imagine anyone being more likable than you,
but apparently, this new girl is.
So my advice would be to start copying her in every way.
But, Dad...
Uh-uh. Think.
Is that what Alex would say?
Oh, there you are.
Listen, I'm sorry I ran out on you yesterday,
but the girls couldn't wait to show me that tree.
Uh, don't give it a second thought. I didn't.
Anyway, I got you a little present.
(gasps) Oh!
Earrings.
Wow, thank you so much, Alex.
Oh, but these are for pierced ears.
Yeah, aren't they great?
Alex did ours.
Yeah, all you need is a thumbtack and a whole lot of paper towels.
Uh, but I don't think I'm ready for pierced ears.
Well, maybe you can put them on your doll.
-(chuckling) -Mmm.
Just kidding, Lis.
I'm sure you'll be ready someday.
Oh, Lisa, I was hoping I could count on you again
to spearhead our annual school-wide apple pick.
Absolutely.
Apple pick?
Yeah. It's great.
We have pony rides, sing-alongs, apple bobbing,
apple picking, apple everything.
You forgot apple bobbing.
No, I didn't.
Didn't your old school have apple picks?
No. We weren't big on fruit.
We were more into, like, dances.
You know, things that are fun.
A dance?
Great idea, Alex.
Yeah. Principal Skinner, can we have a dance instead?
(all) Oh, yes! Please!
Well, we've never had a dance before.
Lisa, you'd be doing all the work.
-What do you think? -Hmm, I don't know.
The ponies might be startled by the loud music.
Well, there wouldn't be ponies.
Ew. Then, at the risk of being unpopular I think I'm going to have to say...
School dance?
I didn't approve any school dance.
Yes, you did. Yesterday, right by my locker.
(chuckles) Oh, yes, yes.
Um, carry on.
(groans)
(children screaming)
When you want grease, go to the source,
good old Krusty Burger.
Oh, I'll say.
Look at that redheaded kid.
There must be $20 worth of grease on his forehead alone.
I was thinking more of the deep fryer.
All right. We'll try it your way.
Can I help you, sir?
My god, you're greasy.
Mr. Marouka, help!
Mom's gonna kill you.
If she didn't want her car ruined
she should have done a better job hiding her keys.
(slurping)
Hey, what the--
Hey! Hey! You're taking our grease!
It's our grease now.
(yells)
We run the grease racket in this town.
Hey, that's my shovel.
We also run the shovel racket.
Okay, girls, we're gonna need balloons, crepe paper, party hats.
Whoa, you've got a Dingo Junction here?
(upbeat music playing)
I am not wearing this.
Oh, come on, Lisa. It's totally you.
Just, you know, add some accessories, lip gloss,
maybe drop five pounds.
Aren't we a little young for makeup and--
What do you mean, five pounds?
Well, you wanna look nice for your date.
-Date? -Hello. For the dance?
You guys have dates?
Hello.
Stop saying hello!
Okay, calm down, Lisa. DMY.
What's DMY?
Don't mess yourself.
Ew.
Yeah, that's why we changed it to DMY.
Don't worry, Lisa, there's still plenty of time.
You'll get a date.
I don't want a date,
and I don't want to wear perfume and cocktail dresses.
Am I the only one who just wants to play hopscotch
and bake cookies and watch The McLaughlin Group?
Hello!
(softly) Hello?
Oh, I can't believe those goons muscled me out of my grease business.
I've been muscled out of everything I've ever done,
including my muscle-for-hire business.
My poor Homie.
Couldn't you try some other far-out money-making scheme?
Oh, what's the point?
You could raise some emus.
Emus? Really?
Ooh, that's pretty crazy.
Nah. I'd only fail just like I fail at everything.
Hey, Dad, I've been thinking.
What if instead of giving up on grease we go for one last big score?
Wait a minute.
The boy's right!
I can't quit now.
Ah, you always know just what to say to cheer me up.
Emu farm.
(chuckles)
You're priceless, Marge.
-(door shuts) -(growling)
The thing about huckleberries is,
once you've had fresh you'll never go back to canned.
Um, uh, so anyway, I kicked the guy's ass.
Now, if the berries are too tart,
I just dust them with confectioner's sugar.
Oh, good secret.
LISA: Hey, guys.
Oh... (giggling)
Hi, Lisa.
Are you all right?
No doubt. (chuckles)
Can't a girl fabulize herself before the big dance?
Your earlobe's bleeding.
Oh. so, I guess,
Major Muffins like yourselves all have dates, huh?
You better believe it.
Really? All of you?
Ah, we all have dates, Lisa.
Everyone does.
Even me.
Unbelievable.
Whoa!
Another wedgie?
(straining) Uh-huh.
Hang on. I'll get my forceps.
Oh... hurry.
(panting) Milhouse!
I've been looking all over for you!
Listen, you've always had a crush on me, right?
Well, this is your lucky day,
'cause you're gonna take me to the dance.
Pretty great, huh? See ya.
Oh, but I can't.
I already asked somebody.
So, un-ask her.
But that wouldn't--
You're taking me, you got that?
And it's going to be a magical evening.
(gasps) What am I doing?
This isn't me.
I'm sorry, Milhouse.
I'm free next weekend!
There's plenty of Milhouse to go around!
All right, son, we're about to embark on our most difficult mission.
Let's bow our heads in prayer.
Dear Lord, I know you're busy...
seeing as how you can watch women changing clothes and all that.
But if you help us steal this grease tonight,
I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.
-Dad, he's not stupid. -All right, screw it. Let's roll.
Mmm... I knew I should have attached those somehow.
LISA: Lucky parameciums.
You don't have to worry about finding dates or dancing.
(groaning)
Lisa, I made you some homemade Pepsi for the dance.
It's a little thick, but the price is right.
Thanks, Mom, but I told you I'm not going.
Oh, so you don't have a date.
You can still go and have a wonderful time.
You don't understand.
I don't belong there.
The other girls are already into fashion and makeup and dating.
They make me feel like a little baby.
Oh, honey, a baby couldn't have organized a big school dance,
unless it was especially skilled...
or one of those superbabies from Brazil.
Forget it, Mom. I'm not going.
But they're counting on you to take tickets.
And if you sit there
with a brave little smile and a festive bow,
why, you could be the belle of the ball.
Mom, you can't possibly believe that.
I have to, honey.
Or you can stay here and we'll have our own dance.
♪ Every Simpson dance, now ♪
♪ Bump, bump, bump ♪
I'll go.
This better work, boy.
I don't want to wind up working on your mother's emu farm.
Don't worry.
This is the score we've been dreaming about.
The grease traps in this kitchen have never been emptied.
Okay, turn on the suction.
(motor whirring)
It's not working.
(muffled yelling)
Oh!
-Whoa! -What is it?
Duh, nothing.
Enjoy the dance.
(disco music, laughter)
Wow, Lisa, I really admire your guts.
You came here all by yourself
at the risk of being labeled a dateless wonder.
-Ugh! -Ow!
(sweetly) It slipped.
Ah, it's gonna be a long night.
-Where's the hose? -Bringin' up the rear!
-Ooh. -Are you as excited as I am?
Oh, yeah.
Well, here goes.
(suctioning)
And now we wait.
So, is this your school?
Well, it used to be.
(whistling)
Eek! I mean "ach!"
I mean, what are ya doin' here?
Uh... we're, uh, new foreign exchange students
from, uh... um... Scotland!
(Scottish accent) Saints be praised, I'm from Scotland.
Where do ya hail from?
Uh...
North... Kilttown.
No foolin'!
I'm from North Kilttown.
Do ya know Angus McCloud?
Wait a minute.
There's no Angus McCloud in North Kilttown!
Why, you're not from Scotland at all!
Ach! Don't be daft.
I was born and rai--
Hey, what the--
(gasping) My retirement grease!
No!
Ya thievin' grease bandits!
I'll kill ya!
Wait up!
(grunting)
(whimpering)
Not so fast, boy-o.
Well, if it was up to me, I'd let you go,
but the lads have a temper
and they've been drinkin' all day!
(screaming)
Stop pummeling me.
It's really painful.
All right, fine.
I'll strangle ya for a while.
(growling)
-(muttering) -(cracks)
Lisa, I have to run home. (panting)
I need you to keep an eye on the dance.
Oh, I don't wanna go in there with all the happy, dancing couples.
Normally I wouldn't ask, but it's an emergency,
Mother has a June bug cornered in the basement,
and she needs me to finish it off.
-Come on. Chop, chop. -All right, all right. DMY.
I know what that means, young lady.
(sighing)
("More" playing)
Huh?
Oh, Lisa, it's terrible.
Okay, this dance has gone titanic.
-What happened? -Well, the boys and girls
are, like, afraid of each other.
-They're acting like a bunch of-- -Kids?
I know. What is up with that?
It's because they are kids and so are we.
Come on, Alex. We've only got nine,
maybe ten years tops,
where we can giggle in church
and chew with our mouths open
and go days without bathing.
We'll never have that freedom again.
Mmm. Listen, you can giggle and stink all you want,
but I have a credit card,
so... on you.
(whimpering)
-(growling) -Uh, guys? Guys?
The hose!
Bart, please.
The groundskeeper and I are trying to settle this like adults!
(yelling)
(yawns)
Huh? Look! It's snowing!
(indistinct chatter)
Ah! The snowflake tastes like fish sticks!
(yelling and grunting)
Yeah!
(slurping)
It's like a hamburger milkshake.
(kids laughing)
Here comes a grease ball. (grunts)
(Italian accent) Hey! Luigi bring you kids free pizza.
Why you hafta make the fun, huh?
(kids yelling)
Uh... that's my grease!
It's mine! Give it here!
They're playing in grease?
Yarg.
Oh, act your age.
-Huh! -(exclaims)
(giggling)
Oh!
You are so dead.
(girls yelling)
ALEX: Ow! There was bacon in that.
(theme music playing)
Shh.
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services