(thunder cracking)
(sinister laughter)
(screaming)
(school bell ringing)
(groans)
-D-oh! -(groans)
(screams)
-(honking horn) -(screaming)
I don't get it. They should be here by now.
Ah, what're you gonna do?
Hmm. Good lines, nice balance.
Let's see how she handles.
Ho-ho, oh, yeah.
Tame it, baby.
Yo, ring her up, dude.
-(register dings) -(gasps)
You cannot smoke in here.
Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir.
(coughing)
Oh, god. You smokers disgust me.
Hey, 'pu, you got a breakfast cereal
for people with syphilis?
-(cocks gun) -Hands up, scuzzbag.
No, not you, the smoking scuzzbag.
Ho-ho, chill out, dude. I'll pay the fine.
Not this time, you won't. This is your third strike.
First you torched that orphanage,
then you blew up that bus full of nuns...
Hey, that was self-defense.
Well, you'll be seeing lotsa nuns
where you're going, pal...
Hell!
Because the penalty for strike three is death.
Ho, you'll never make it stick, dude.
Will, too, 'cause this place is full of witnesses.
Apu, that scuzzbag Moe...
I'm not going to
-forget this, dudes. -Oh.
I'm going to totally kill both of you.
And, uh, don't forget Bart Simpson.
He's a witness, too.
-Right, Barty? -Oh.
Oh, you are so dead, little dude.
Thanks a lot, Chief.
(laughing) You kids crack me up.
Hi, I'm Ed McMahon.
Tonight on Fox,
from the producers of When Skirts Fall Off and Secrets of National Security Revealed,
it's World's Deadliest Executions.
(crowd cheering)
Making his first appearance on our show,
(dramatically) here's Snake!
(crowd booing)
(crowd heckling)
Thank you, chickie pies.
The chair? Oh...
How come they only do crucifixions during sweeps?
ED: Snake played lacrosse at Ball State University.
So long, Snake.
You'll never harm another person
with secondhand smoke.
-(electricity crackling) -(groaning)
(all coughing)
(groaning)
Dude...
-Hey-oh! -(crowd applauding)
(crowd cheering)
All right. Now, let's get this carcass
over to the hospital and carve it up for organs.
Dibs on the liver!
(phone ringing)
Whoo-hoo!
Marge, they found a donor.
I'm saved.
Boy, you're getting this transplant
just in time, Homer.
This is genuine human hair.
This is legal, right?
Yeah, sure. Whatever.
These drugs will make the operation
seem like a beautiful dream.
(groans)
Aah...
Hi, everybody!
(humming)
Who wants to see their sexy new daddy?
-(gasping) -LISA: Oh, Dad!
Wow! If your fly weren't open,
you'd look just like Roger Moore.
(owl hooting)
-(Marge snoring) -(groans)
(muttering)
(Snake's voice) Later, chickie pie.
Ooh!
Ooh-la-la, Simpson.
Huh! What can I do for you and your new do?
(Snake's voice) You sent me to the chair.
(gasps) Snake?
But you're dead.
I know you are, but what am I?
No! No!
No!
(Apu's scream echoing)
And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string
all through the night.
On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk
was brutally murdered last night.
-(gasping) -(normal voice) Oh, God.
-Oh, man. -I can't believe it.
-LISA: Geez. -That's horrible.
Who'll run the Kwik-E-Mart?
(slurping)
I'm afraid we have no leads,
but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.
(Lou crunching)
Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.
Aw, geez, Lou.
How long were you going to let me
keep drinking this thing?
(slurping)
Who would do such a thing?
-Ah, morning, Homer. -(door bangs shut)
You're looking unusually focused this morning.
(Snake's voice) Shut your squeal-hole,
booze jockey.
I'm going to, like, totally waste you.
Well, somebody's a grumpy Gus.
MOE: What's-- Oh!
(corkscrew squeaking)
(chuckles) Yoink.
Ah, for crying out loud.
(groans)
Another of Springfield's beloved citizens
was murdered today.
Filthy old Bartender Moe Szyslak
has watered down his last highball.
-(turns off TV) -Oh, my God.
Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered!
It's almost like he's killing from beyond the grave.
I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.
Don't you get it?
He swore he'd kill me, too. I'm next!
(normal voice) Don't worry. I'll protect you...
(Snake's voice) ...little dude.
(normal voice) There. Now no murderers can get in.
-(Snake's voice) Or out. -Dad?
You are so dead.
No!
Ugh. Come here, you little... (grunts)
(laughing)
Stop it! You're killing me!
-(screaming) -(glass shattering)
My school picture!
Daddy would like a word with you, Barty!
(grunts)
Help! Dad's trying to kill me!
It's hammer time, snitchy!
That's Snake's voice.
Of course. The transplant.
Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling--
Oh, please, Lisa.
Everyone's already figured that out.
(whimpering)
You've got to fight the hair, Dad.
(normal voice) But I look so youthful and hunky.
(Snake's voice) The kid's got to die.
But I love my son.
More than a lush head of hair?
Don't make me choose!
(laughing wickedly)
No!
(straining)
I love you, Son.
I love you, too, Dad.
(screams)
(muffled screaming)
-Get off! Get him off! -(gasping)
I'll show you, hair!
-(yelling) -BART: Ow! Ow! Ow!
That's my face, you idiot!
Idiot?! Why you little...
(choking)
Don't you-- I'll kill you!
Homer Simpson,
You're under arrest for the murders
of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa... Pasa...
Uh, just Moe. Just Moe.
It wasn't me. It was the hair.
Freeze, hairball!
(glass shattering)
(sucking)
Now, that's what I call a bad-hair day.
(all laughing)
May I remind you that two people are dead?
Oh, wait. I just got it. (chuckles)
-(all laughing) -It's funny.
Bad hair day!
(audience gasping)
Bleh!
Hey! Hey!
Tonight, I'm going to suck!
Your blood!
OK, get ready for the violentest,
disembowelingest, vomit inducingest,
Itchy & Scratchy Halloween Special ever!
-Hey! -What the...
Sorry, but if I let you watch
one of these gruesome Halloween cartoons,
I'd be a pretty lousy mother.
(both groaning)
Why don't you kids
come trick-or-treating with Maggie and me?
Nah. It's too early.
I need to work under cover of darkness.
Hmm...
Oh, Homer,
you're not going as a hobo again?
Going where?
(chomping)
Well, we're leaving.
And remember, no Itchy & Scratchy.
-(Bart groans) -I better take these batteries
just to be sure.
-(Lisa gasps) -MARGE: Mmm.
-(door slams shut) -(Homer playing harmonica)
♪ Mama took those batteries ♪
♪ She took 'em away ♪
♪ Mama took those batteries ♪
♪ Size double A ♪
There's got to be some batteries in here somewhere.
-(buzzing) -Hmm...
Oh, Bart, that's plutonium. It's highly unstable.
(grunting)
Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?
-(crackling) -(shouts)
(doorbell ringing on TV)
Trick or treat!
What's wrong with the TV?
Color's screwed up.
(crackling)
Whoa! Cool!
Bart, quit it!
(grunting) Hey...
-LISA: Give-- -No.
(crackling)
Hey, Lis, we're characters in a cartoon.
How humiliating.
(gasps) Look!
(laughing)
(laughing hysterically)
Why are you laughing?
Hey, they're laughing at your pain.
That's mean.
Let's teach them a lesson.
A cartoon ax! I love it.
(both screaming)
(screaming)
Help! Police!
(tires screeching)
(siren wailing)
(both sighing)
"To protect and sever"?
(screaming)
(chainsaw buzzing)
(screaming)
(orchestral music playing)
Hmm. Hmm?
-(screaming) -Ooh!
How are Bart and Lisa gonna get out of this one?
Sorry.
It happens.
Hey, hey, wiggedy-wiggedy. Poochie's in the house.
(tires screeching)
(groans)
We're done for, Bart.
Not if I know cartoons.
BOTH: Whoa!
Phew. That was close.
Uh, Bart...
Not now, Lis. I'm trying to relax.
(wind whistling)
(electricity crackling)
(screaming)
Boring...
I'm telling you this cilantro really gives it a zing.
Reg, there's no cilantro in it.
-(screaming) -Oh, God!
Man alive! This soup is out of control!
-Oh! -Hey!
My-- My eyes, my beautiful eyes!
That's it. I'm going home.
Dom DeLuise can interview himself.
-(crackling) -(groans)
Oh, Itchy's house.
-This is where we came in. -Look!
Dad! You got to get us out of here!
Use the remote!
Huh? Oh, OK. Let's see...
Pause. Three. No...
-Dad! -Dad!
(cranking, squeaking)
Hurry, Homer!
(buzzing)
(screaming)
Ooh, that is gonna hurt tomorrow.
Dad! Push "exit"!
Hmm.
(crackling)
-Hey. -(screams)
Lisa, look out! A skeleton!
(crackling)
Oh!
(buzzing)
(both sighing)
-(gasp) -(banging on glass)
(screaming)
(growling)
(chortling)
Look how cute they are!
(squeaking)
HOMER (laughs): Look at him go.
(purring)
(heart beating)
You're beautiful!
Oh, somebody's in love.
That means you'll have to be neutered.
No...
Here comes the flying saucer.
(bawling)
What's wrong with Stinky?
She's teething.
Look, her very first baby tooth.
HOMER: Ew... Ugh.
LISA: Oh, geez. BART: Disgusting.
I just lost my appetite.
Me, too.
Wait, mine came back.
(chomping)
(fussing)
I know how to cheer you up.
This little piggy went to Kwik-E-Mart.
This little piggy went nuts.
This little piggy went surfing
And this little piggy went...
(gasps) Ooh!
Look, Marge, Maggie lost her baby legs.
Oh, my God.
-(whimpering) -(Maggie hissing)
Homer, do something.
The ceiling's not a safe place for a young baby.
(sighs) All right, I got it.
(mutters) Come on...
Get off the... (straining)
(all gasp)
(groaning)
Bad baby.
Oh! She's entering the terrible twos, all right.
It's probably nothing, but we just wanted to be sure.
-(crunching) -(screams)
Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor?
Fire, and lots of it.
Oh, that's your cure for everything.
(birds twittering)
(rattling)
(squeaking)
Poor, Maggie. If only you could tell us
what's happening to you.
(rhythmic sucking)
(sucking sounds continue)
Commander Kang,
receiving transmission from Infant Pod 13.
Holy phlerking schnit!
What's the message?
"Larval stage completed.
Standing by for orders.
Experiencing terrible rash.
Over."
Ensign Kodos, set coordinates
for the obscure T-shirt producing planet
known as Earth.
It's time I paid a visit to...
my daughter!
(gulps)
MAN (on TV): We'll return with How Dracula Got His Groove Back.
(doorbell ringing)
Hello. Oh, great. Mormons.
Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.
And we've come to see...
my daughter!
Oh, Lord.
I was hoping this day would never come.
Huh? What are you talking about?
You mean you never told him?
(sighs)
I guess I've been in denial.
Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
(gasps)
You intergalactic hussy!
How could you?
(sobbing)
Was he better than me?
It all happened about two years ago.
There I was, having a great time in the backyard,
when, without warning, I was abducted by aliens.
-KANG: Warning! Warning! -(gasps)
Prepare to be abducted.
Huh?
(moaning)
Congratulations.
You have been selected for our cross-breeding program.
To put you at ease, we have recreated
the most common spawning locations
of your species.
You may choose either
the back seat of a Camaro,
an airplane bathroom,
a friend's wedding,
or the alley behind a porno theater.
I absolutely refuse to go along with this.
But since I have no choice, I'll take the alley.
(romantic music playing)
Initiate fertilization procedure.
(yawning)
Oh, you look lovely this evening.
Have you decreased in mass?
MARGE: I tried to resist, but they applied
powerful mind confusion techniques.
Look behind you.
Insemination complete.
Really? That seemed awfully quick.
-What are you implying? -Nothing, nothing.
Whoa, wow, look at the time.
I'd love to stay,
but I have an early meeting tomorrow.
You're a super girl, though.
I'll call you sometime.
Whoa!
Nine months later, I gave birth to Maggie.
And now she must return home to Rigel VII,
where she will be guaranteed
a lucrative Civil Service job for life.
Well, we can't compete with that, but...
But nothing.
Get your slimeless hands off her.
People, people, space monsters.
This is going nowhere.
There's only one man
who can settle an argument this bizarre.
(audience chanting) Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry...
OK, we're back.
Homer, how'd it feel to learn your baby
was fathered by a drooling space octopus?
It made me angry, Jerry.
Angry and tired.
Well, you're about to get a whole lot angrier,
because we have the extramarital extraterrestrial
backstage in a soundproof booth where he can't hear us.
I hear all.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kang.
-(audience applauding) -Hey.
Yeah!
(audience booing)
Mmm. (smooching)
-AUDIENCE: Oh! -You one-eyed,
two-timing (bleep).
I'm gonna (bleep).
Oh, yeah?
Well, (bleep) hyperbolic paraboloid!
(bleep) Yo mama!
(audience hooting)
Yeah, I got a question
for that gross thing, whatever it is.
-Homer. -No, the green dude.
If you're that baby's daddy, where you been at?
(growls)
(audience cheering and applauding)
You know, somebody needs to learn
your green ass some responsibility.
-AUDIENCE: Yeah. -(screams)
Now, hold on, Kang.
You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun.
(audience screaming)
And now for my final thought.
Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles
above the welfare of a child.
Let's hope they put their differences aside,
and do what's best for Maggie.
-(hissing) -Ow! What the (bleep)
Get the (bleep) baby off! (bleep)
-Son of a (bleep) -(groaning)
JERRY: Bouncers! (muffled screaming)
-(Homer grunting) -(Maggie straining)
I am so (bleep) embarrassed.
I can't believe it.
Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
And now he's dead.
Anyhoo, this is your last chance.
Turn over the baby now.
Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington.
Oh, you couldn't destroy every politician.
Just watch us.
(both laughing)
BART: Don't forget Ken Starr.
Suckers.
Come on, Maggie, let's go home.
-(Kang's voice) Very well. -(all gasp)
I'll drive.
(evil laughter)
KANG: I need blood.
(theme music playing in space music tune)
REGIS: My eyes! My beautiful eyes.
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services