1
00:00:02,210 --> 00:00:03,753
(thunder cracking)

2
00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:05,046
(sinister laughter)

3
00:00:05,130 --> 00:00:06,172
(screaming)

4
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:13,722
(school bell ringing)

5
00:00:16,099 --> 00:00:17,392
(groans)

6
00:00:17,475 --> 00:00:18,893
-D-oh!
-(groans)

7
00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:20,729
(screams)

8
00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:23,273
-(honking horn)
-(screaming)

9
00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:26,359
I don't get it.
They should be here by now.

10
00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:28,445
Ah, what're you gonna do?

11
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:47,672
{\an8}Hmm. Good lines, nice balance.

12
00:00:47,756 --> 00:00:49,966
{\an8}Let's see how she handles.

13
00:00:52,093 --> 00:00:54,012
{\an8}Ho-ho, oh, yeah.

14
00:00:54,095 --> 00:00:55,138
{\an8}Tame it, baby.

15
00:00:55,972 --> 00:00:57,766
{\an8}Yo, ring her up, dude.

16
00:00:57,849 --> 00:00:59,267
{\an8}-(register dings)
-(gasps)

17
00:00:59,350 --> 00:01:00,769
{\an8}You cannot smoke in here.

18
00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:02,687
{\an8}Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir.

19
00:01:04,939 --> 00:01:07,150
{\an8}(coughing)

20
00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:09,402
{\an8}Oh, god. You smokers disgust me.

21
00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:11,112
{\an8}Hey, 'pu, you got a breakfast cereal

22
00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:12,781
{\an8}for people with syphilis?

23
00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:16,284
{\an8}-(cocks gun)
-Hands up, scuzzbag.

24
00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:18,912
{\an8}No, not you, the smoking scuzzbag.

25
00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:22,624
{\an8}Ho-ho, chill out, dude.
I'll pay the fine.

26
00:01:22,707 --> 00:01:25,960
{\an8}Not this time, you won't.
This is your third strike.

27
00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:27,545
{\an8}First you torched that orphanage,

28
00:01:27,629 --> 00:01:29,589
{\an8}then you blew up that bus full of nuns...

29
00:01:29,672 --> 00:01:31,674
{\an8}Hey, that was self-defense.

30
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,676
{\an8}Well, you'll be seeing lotsa nuns

31
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,136
{\an8}where you're going, pal...

32
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:36,262
{\an8}Hell!

33
00:01:36,346 --> 00:01:39,474
{\an8}Because the penalty
for strike three is death.

34
00:01:39,974 --> 00:01:42,560
{\an8}Ho, you'll never make it stick, dude.

35
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:45,563
{\an8}Will, too, 'cause this place
is full of witnesses.

36
00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:48,358
{\an8}Apu, that scuzzbag Moe...

37
00:01:48,441 --> 00:01:49,776
{\an8}I'm not going to

38
00:01:49,859 --> 00:01:51,361
{\an8}-forget this, dudes.
-Oh.

39
00:01:51,444 --> 00:01:54,114
{\an8}I'm going to totally kill both of you.

40
00:01:55,156 --> 00:01:56,950
{\an8}And, uh, don't forget Bart Simpson.

41
00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:58,201
{\an8}He's a witness, too.

42
00:01:58,284 --> 00:01:59,369
{\an8}-Right, Barty?
-Oh.

43
00:01:59,452 --> 00:02:02,247
{\an8}Oh, you are so dead, little dude.

44
00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:03,748
{\an8}Thanks a lot, Chief.

45
00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:06,251
(laughing) You kids crack me up.

46
00:02:07,710 --> 00:02:09,170
Hi, I'm Ed McMahon.

47
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:10,755
Tonight on Fox,

48
00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:16,094
from the producers of <i>When Skirts Fall Off</i>
<i>and Secrets of National Security Revealed,</i>

49
00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:18,763
it's <i>World's Deadliest Executions.</i>

50
00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:20,223
(crowd cheering)

51
00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:22,016
Making his first appearance on our show,

52
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:24,894
(dramatically) here's Snake!

53
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:27,063
{\an8}(crowd booing)

54
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:30,108
{\an8}(crowd heckling)

55
00:02:32,026 --> 00:02:33,570
{\an8}Thank you, chickie pies.

56
00:02:33,653 --> 00:02:35,864
{\an8}The chair? Oh...

57
00:02:35,947 --> 00:02:38,908
{\an8}How come they only do
crucifixions during sweeps?

58
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:43,204
ED: Snake played lacrosse
at Ball State University.

59
00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:44,622
So long, Snake.

60
00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:46,207
You'll never harm another person

61
00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:47,917
with secondhand smoke.

62
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:50,753
-(electricity crackling)
-(groaning)

63
00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:53,131
(all coughing)

64
00:02:53,214 --> 00:02:56,384
(groaning)

65
00:02:58,136 --> 00:03:00,054
Dude...

66
00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:02,599
{\an8}-Hey-oh!
-(crowd applauding)

67
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,100
(crowd cheering)

68
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,019
All right. Now, let's get this carcass

69
00:03:06,102 --> 00:03:08,229
over to the hospital
and carve it up for organs.

70
00:03:08,313 --> 00:03:09,814
Dibs on the liver!

71
00:03:09,898 --> 00:03:11,482
(phone ringing)

72
00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:13,526
Whoo-hoo!

73
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,904
Marge, they found a donor.

74
00:03:15,987 --> 00:03:17,238
I'm saved.

75
00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:21,284
Boy, you're getting this transplant

76
00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:23,203
just in time, Homer.

77
00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:25,788
This is genuine human hair.

78
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:27,498
This is legal, right?

79
00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:30,210
Yeah, sure. Whatever.

80
00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:32,503
These drugs will make the operation

81
00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:34,797
seem like a beautiful dream.

82
00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:37,258
(groans)

83
00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:39,469
Aah...

84
00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:42,472
Hi, everybody!

85
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:45,308
(humming)

86
00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:53,524
Who wants to see their sexy new daddy?

87
00:03:54,692 --> 00:03:57,237
-(gasping)
-LISA: Oh, Dad!

88
00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:00,782
Wow! If your fly weren't open,

89
00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:02,992
you'd look just like Roger Moore.

90
00:04:03,451 --> 00:04:04,661
(owl hooting)

91
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:05,745
-(Marge snoring)
-(groans)

92
00:04:05,828 --> 00:04:07,956
(muttering)

93
00:04:22,845 --> 00:04:24,764
(Snake's voice)
Later, chickie pie.

94
00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:29,185
Ooh!

95
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,020
Ooh-la-la, Simpson.

96
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,940
Huh! What can I do
for you and your new do?

97
00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:36,859
(Snake's voice)
You sent me to the chair.

98
00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,528
(gasps) Snake?

99
00:04:39,028 --> 00:04:40,238
But you're dead.

100
00:04:40,321 --> 00:04:43,283
I know you are, but what am I?

101
00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:45,785
No! No!

102
00:04:45,868 --> 00:04:48,037
No!

103
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,414
(Apu's scream echoing)

104
00:04:50,164 --> 00:04:53,584
<i>And the fluffy kitten</i>
<i>played with that ball of string</i>

105
00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:55,461
<i>all through the night.</i>

106
00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:57,171
<i>On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk</i>

107
00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:58,548
<i>was brutally murdered last night.</i>

108
00:04:58,631 --> 00:04:59,966
-(gasping)
-(normal voice) Oh, God.

109
00:05:00,049 --> 00:05:01,175
-Oh, man.
-I can't believe it.

110
00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:02,510
-LISA: Geez.
-That's horrible.

111
00:05:02,593 --> 00:05:03,845
Who'll run the Kwik-E-Mart?

112
00:05:03,928 --> 00:05:06,472
(slurping)

113
00:05:06,556 --> 00:05:08,224
I'm afraid we have no leads,

114
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:11,144
but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.

115
00:05:11,227 --> 00:05:12,270
(Lou crunching)

116
00:05:12,353 --> 00:05:14,063
Looks to me like
he suffered a lot, Chief.

117
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,815
Aw, geez, Lou.

118
00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:16,858
How long were you going to let me

119
00:05:16,941 --> 00:05:18,359
keep drinking this thing?

120
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:21,779
(slurping)

121
00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,281
Who would do such a thing?

122
00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:35,918
-Ah, morning, Homer.
-(door bangs shut)

123
00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:38,629
You're looking
unusually focused this morning.

124
00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:40,340
(Snake's voice)
Shut your squeal-hole,

125
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:41,341
booze jockey.

126
00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:43,801
I'm going to, like, totally waste you.

127
00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:45,970
Well, somebody's a grumpy Gus.

128
00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:48,097
MOE: What's-- Oh!

129
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,308
(corkscrew squeaking)

130
00:05:50,391 --> 00:05:52,393
(chuckles) Yoink.

131
00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:54,312
Ah, for crying out loud.

132
00:05:54,395 --> 00:05:55,646
(groans)

133
00:05:57,231 --> 00:05:59,525
<i>Another of Springfield's</i>
<i>beloved citizens</i>

134
00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:01,194
<i>was murdered today.</i>

135
00:06:01,277 --> 00:06:03,529
<i>Filthy old Bartender Moe Szyslak</i>

136
00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:05,573
{\an8}<i>has watered down his last highball.</i>

137
00:06:05,656 --> 00:06:06,908
-(turns off TV)
-Oh, my God.

138
00:06:06,991 --> 00:06:09,202
Everyone Snake swore revenge on
is being murdered!

139
00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:11,621
It's almost like he's killing
from beyond the grave.

140
00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:14,248
I told you capital punishment
isn't a deterrent.

141
00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:15,666
Don't you get it?

142
00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:18,044
He swore he'd kill me, too. I'm next!

143
00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:20,838
(normal voice) Don't worry.
I'll protect you...

144
00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:23,383
(Snake's voice) ...little dude.

145
00:06:27,011 --> 00:06:30,223
(normal voice) There.
Now no murderers can get in.

146
00:06:32,308 --> 00:06:34,685
-(Snake's voice) Or out.
-Dad?

147
00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:36,896
You are so dead.

148
00:06:36,979 --> 00:06:37,980
No!

149
00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:42,360
Ugh. Come here, you little...
(grunts)

150
00:06:42,443 --> 00:06:43,945
(laughing)

151
00:06:44,028 --> 00:06:45,947
<i>Stop it! You're killing me!</i>

152
00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:48,074
-(screaming)
-(glass shattering)

153
00:06:48,157 --> 00:06:49,575
My school picture!

154
00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:52,328
Daddy would like a word with you, Barty!

155
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:54,747
(grunts)

156
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:56,457
Help! Dad's trying to kill me!

157
00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:58,960
It's hammer time, snitchy!

158
00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:00,920
That's Snake's voice.

159
00:07:02,588 --> 00:07:04,257
Of course. The transplant.

160
00:07:04,340 --> 00:07:06,217
Somehow Snake's hair
must be controlling--

161
00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:07,301
Oh, please, Lisa.

162
00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:09,053
Everyone's already figured that out.

163
00:07:09,887 --> 00:07:12,181
(whimpering)

164
00:07:13,015 --> 00:07:14,809
You've got to fight the hair, Dad.

165
00:07:15,893 --> 00:07:18,438
(normal voice) But I look
so youthful and hunky.

166
00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:20,773
(Snake's voice)
The kid's got to die.

167
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:22,400
But I love my son.

168
00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:24,819
More than a lush head of hair?

169
00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:27,947
Don't make me choose!

170
00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:29,991
(laughing wickedly)

171
00:07:32,076 --> 00:07:33,661
No!

172
00:07:33,744 --> 00:07:36,831
(straining)

173
00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:39,542
I love you, Son.

174
00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:40,835
I love you, too, Dad.

175
00:07:44,088 --> 00:07:45,214
(screams)

176
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:47,758
(muffled screaming)

177
00:07:47,842 --> 00:07:49,427
-Get off! Get him off!
-(gasping)

178
00:07:49,510 --> 00:07:50,887
I'll show you, hair!

179
00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:53,723
-(yelling)
-BART: Ow! Ow! Ow!

180
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,600
That's my face, you idiot!

181
00:07:55,683 --> 00:07:57,351
Idiot?! Why you little...

182
00:07:57,435 --> 00:07:58,561
(choking)

183
00:07:59,228 --> 00:08:00,813
Don't you-- I'll kill you!

184
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,148
Homer Simpson,

185
00:08:02,231 --> 00:08:03,608
You're under arrest for the murders

186
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:06,819
of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa... Pasa...

187
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:08,946
Uh, just Moe. Just Moe.

188
00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:11,199
It wasn't me. It was the hair.

189
00:08:13,075 --> 00:08:14,452
Freeze, hairball!

190
00:08:16,954 --> 00:08:18,581
(glass shattering)

191
00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:30,968
(sucking)

192
00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:34,180
Now, that's what I call a bad-hair day.

193
00:08:34,263 --> 00:08:37,016
(all laughing)

194
00:08:38,142 --> 00:08:41,229
May I remind you
that two people are dead?

195
00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:44,106
Oh, wait. I just got it.
(chuckles)

196
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:45,900
-(all laughing)
-It's funny.

197
00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:49,362
Bad hair day!

198
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:58,621
(audience gasping)

199
00:08:58,704 --> 00:08:59,872
Bleh!

200
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,082
Hey! Hey!

201
00:09:01,165 --> 00:09:03,626
Tonight, I'm going to suck!

202
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:06,921
Your blood!

203
00:09:07,004 --> 00:09:09,507
OK, get ready for the violentest,

204
00:09:09,590 --> 00:09:12,677
disembowelingest, vomit inducingest,

205
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,388
<i>Itchy & Scratchy Halloween Special </i>ever!

206
00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:17,974
-Hey!
-What the...

207
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:19,934
Sorry, but if I let you watch

208
00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:22,520
one of these
gruesome Halloween cartoons,

209
00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:24,230
I'd be a pretty lousy mother.

210
00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:25,856
(both groaning)

211
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:27,650
Why don't you kids

212
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:29,485
come trick-or-treating
with Maggie and me?

213
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:30,736
Nah. It's too early.

214
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:32,655
I need to work under cover of darkness.

215
00:09:32,738 --> 00:09:33,739
Hmm...

216
00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:35,241
Oh, Homer,

217
00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:37,702
you're not going as a hobo again?

218
00:09:37,785 --> 00:09:38,911
Going where?

219
00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:41,622
(chomping)

220
00:09:42,206 --> 00:09:43,499
Well, we're leaving.

221
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,043
And remember, no <i>Itchy & Scratchy.</i>

222
00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:48,087
-(Bart groans)
-I better take these batteries

223
00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:49,338
just to be sure.

224
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,132
-(Lisa gasps)
-MARGE: Mmm.

225
00:09:52,925 --> 00:09:54,385
-(door slams shut)
-(Homer playing harmonica)

226
00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:56,596
<i>♪ Mama took those batteries ♪</i>

227
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,015
<i>♪ She took 'em away ♪</i>

228
00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:02,059
<i>♪ Mama took those batteries ♪</i>

229
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:03,894
<i>♪ Size double A ♪</i>

230
00:10:07,481 --> 00:10:10,109
There's got to be some batteries
in here somewhere.

231
00:10:10,192 --> 00:10:11,986
-(buzzing)
-Hmm...

232
00:10:12,361 --> 00:10:15,823
Oh, Bart, that's plutonium.
It's highly unstable.

233
00:10:15,906 --> 00:10:18,117
(grunting)

234
00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:21,203
Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?

235
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:23,164
-(crackling)
-(shouts)

236
00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:31,589
(doorbell ringing on TV)

237
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:33,924
<i>Trick or treat!</i>

238
00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:36,469
What's wrong with the TV?

239
00:10:36,552 --> 00:10:37,553
Color's screwed up.

240
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,514
(crackling)

241
00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:42,516
Whoa! Cool!

242
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:43,768
Bart, quit it!

243
00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:45,728
(grunting) Hey...

244
00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:47,647
-LISA: Give--
-No.

245
00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:51,192
(crackling)

246
00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:54,570
Hey, Lis, we're characters
in a cartoon.

247
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:55,780
How humiliating.

248
00:10:55,863 --> 00:10:56,947
(gasps) Look!

249
00:10:59,575 --> 00:11:01,494
(laughing)

250
00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:10,461
(laughing hysterically)

251
00:11:11,962 --> 00:11:13,631
Why are you laughing?

252
00:11:13,714 --> 00:11:16,175
Hey, they're laughing at your pain.

253
00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:21,389
That's mean.

254
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:23,182
Let's teach them a lesson.

255
00:11:25,893 --> 00:11:28,562
A cartoon ax! I love it.

256
00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:30,773
(both screaming)

257
00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:36,028
(screaming)

258
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:42,368
Help! Police!

259
00:11:42,451 --> 00:11:44,120
(tires screeching)

260
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:45,287
(siren wailing)

261
00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:46,956
(both sighing)

262
00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:49,500
{\an8}"To protect and sever"?

263
00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:50,918
(screaming)

264
00:11:51,001 --> 00:11:52,336
(chainsaw buzzing)

265
00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:54,338
(screaming)

266
00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:55,589
(orchestral music playing)

267
00:11:55,673 --> 00:11:57,299
Hmm. Hmm?

268
00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:59,176
-(screaming)
-Ooh!

269
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:01,470
How are Bart and Lisa
gonna get out of this one?

270
00:12:02,888 --> 00:12:03,889
Sorry.

271
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:05,057
It happens.

272
00:12:05,933 --> 00:12:08,978
Hey, hey, wiggedy-wiggedy.
Poochie's in the house.

273
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:10,813
(tires screeching)

274
00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:12,356
(groans)

275
00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:14,817
We're done for, Bart.

276
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:17,361
Not if I know cartoons.

277
00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:23,284
BOTH: Whoa!

278
00:12:23,367 --> 00:12:24,702
Phew. That was close.

279
00:12:24,785 --> 00:12:25,995
Uh, Bart...

280
00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:27,913
Not now, Lis. I'm trying to relax.

281
00:12:28,664 --> 00:12:29,749
(wind whistling)

282
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,836
(electricity crackling)

283
00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:37,381
(screaming)

284
00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,091
Boring...

285
00:12:41,385 --> 00:12:44,388
<i>I'm telling you this cilantro</i>
<i>really gives it a zing.</i>

286
00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:46,015
<i>Reg, there's no cilantro in it.</i>

287
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:47,641
-(screaming)
<i>-Oh, God!</i>

288
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:49,977
<i>Man alive! This soup is out of control!</i>

289
00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:51,479
<i>-Oh!</i>
<i>-Hey!</i>

290
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:53,814
<i>My-- My eyes, my beautiful eyes!</i>

291
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:55,274
<i>That's it. I'm going home.</i>

292
00:12:55,357 --> 00:12:57,026
<i>Dom DeLuise can interview himself.</i>

293
00:12:57,109 --> 00:12:58,736
-(crackling)
-(groans)

294
00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:00,780
Oh, Itchy's house.

295
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:03,115
-This is where we came in.
-Look!

296
00:13:04,074 --> 00:13:05,826
<i>Dad! You got to get us out of here!</i>

297
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:07,036
<i>Use the remote!</i>

298
00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:09,455
Huh? Oh, OK. Let's see...

299
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,041
Pause. Three. No...

300
00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:14,627
-Dad!
-Dad!

301
00:13:14,710 --> 00:13:17,922
(cranking, squeaking)

302
00:13:19,423 --> 00:13:20,424
Hurry, Homer!

303
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,094
(buzzing)

304
00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:26,722
(screaming)

305
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:29,016
Ooh, that is gonna hurt tomorrow.

306
00:13:29,099 --> 00:13:30,810
Dad! Push "exit"!

307
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:31,811
Hmm.

308
00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:33,813
(crackling)

309
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:38,025
-Hey.
-(screams)

310
00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:40,486
Lisa, look out! A skeleton!

311
00:13:42,863 --> 00:13:45,157
(crackling)

312
00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:46,367
Oh!

313
00:13:46,450 --> 00:13:49,078
(buzzing)

314
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:50,955
(both sighing)

315
00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:53,415
-(gasp)
-(banging on glass)

316
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:55,584
(screaming)

317
00:13:56,293 --> 00:13:57,837
(growling)

318
00:13:58,754 --> 00:14:00,005
(chortling)

319
00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:01,632
Look how cute they are!

320
00:14:02,132 --> 00:14:04,760
(squeaking)

321
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,470
HOMER (laughs): Look at him go.

322
00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:08,472
(purring)

323
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:10,224
(heart beating)

324
00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:12,184
You're beautiful!

325
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:15,145
Oh, somebody's in love.

326
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:18,482
That means you'll have to be neutered.

327
00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:21,193
No...

328
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:32,621
Here comes the flying saucer.

329
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,290
(bawling)

330
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:36,876
What's wrong with Stinky?

331
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,294
She's teething.

332
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:41,797
Look, her very first baby tooth.

333
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,549
HOMER: Ew... Ugh.

334
00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:45,551
LISA: Oh, geez.
BART: Disgusting.

335
00:14:45,634 --> 00:14:47,136
I just lost my appetite.

336
00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:48,220
Me, too.

337
00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:49,263
Wait, mine came back.

338
00:14:49,346 --> 00:14:51,515
(chomping)

339
00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:53,559
(fussing)

340
00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:54,977
I know how to cheer you up.

341
00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:57,855
This little piggy went to Kwik-E-Mart.

342
00:14:57,938 --> 00:14:59,982
This little piggy went nuts.

343
00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:02,610
This little piggy went surfing

344
00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:04,570
And this little piggy went...

345
00:15:04,653 --> 00:15:06,196
(gasps) Ooh!

346
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:09,950
Look, Marge, Maggie lost her baby legs.

347
00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:11,869
Oh, my God.

348
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,375
-(whimpering)
-(Maggie hissing)

349
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:19,960
Homer, do something.

350
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:22,880
The ceiling's not
a safe place for a young baby.

351
00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:25,382
(sighs)
All right, I got it.

352
00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:26,550
(mutters) Come on...

353
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:29,428
Get off the...
(straining)

354
00:15:29,511 --> 00:15:30,679
(all gasp)

355
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:34,016
(groaning)

356
00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:35,434
Bad baby.

357
00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:39,480
Oh! She's entering
the terrible twos, all right.

358
00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:44,652
It's probably nothing,
but we just wanted to be sure.

359
00:15:45,903 --> 00:15:47,446
-(crunching)
-(screams)

360
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:49,323
Is there anything
you can prescribe, Doctor?

361
00:15:49,406 --> 00:15:51,492
Fire, and lots of it.

362
00:15:51,575 --> 00:15:53,911
Oh, that's your cure for everything.

363
00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:55,579
(birds twittering)

364
00:15:56,705 --> 00:15:58,082
(rattling)

365
00:15:58,165 --> 00:15:59,249
(squeaking)

366
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:01,418
{\an8}Poor, Maggie. If only you could tell us

367
00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:02,878
{\an8}what's happening to you.

368
00:16:03,295 --> 00:16:05,381
(rhythmic sucking)

369
00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:20,896
(sucking sounds continue)

370
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,356
Commander Kang,

371
00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:24,900
receiving transmission
from Infant Pod 13.

372
00:16:25,442 --> 00:16:28,195
Holy phlerking schnit!

373
00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:29,488
What's the message?

374
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:32,116
"Larval stage completed.

375
00:16:32,908 --> 00:16:34,994
Standing by for orders.

376
00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:37,162
Experiencing terrible rash.

377
00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:38,414
Over."

378
00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:40,708
Ensign Kodos, set coordinates

379
00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:43,168
for the obscure
T-shirt producing planet

380
00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:44,378
known as Earth.

381
00:16:44,461 --> 00:16:46,797
It's time I paid a visit to...

382
00:16:47,631 --> 00:16:48,966
my daughter!

383
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:51,593
(gulps)

384
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:53,387
MAN (on TV): <i>We'll return with</i>
How Dracula Got His Groove Back.

385
00:16:53,470 --> 00:16:54,555
(doorbell ringing)

386
00:16:56,932 --> 00:16:59,518
Hello. Oh, great. Mormons.

387
00:16:59,601 --> 00:17:02,563
Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.

388
00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:04,148
And we've come to see...

389
00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:06,358
my daughter!

390
00:17:09,903 --> 00:17:11,238
Oh, Lord.

391
00:17:11,321 --> 00:17:13,323
I was hoping this day would never come.

392
00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:15,284
Huh? What are you talking about?

393
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:17,411
You mean you never told him?

394
00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:19,163
(sighs)

395
00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:21,165
I guess I've been in denial.

396
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:25,711
Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.

397
00:17:25,794 --> 00:17:27,046
(gasps)

398
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:28,672
You intergalactic hussy!

399
00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:29,715
How could you?

400
00:17:29,798 --> 00:17:31,800
(sobbing)

401
00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:34,428
Was he better than me?

402
00:17:34,511 --> 00:17:37,139
It all happened about two years ago.

403
00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:39,933
There I was, having
a great time in the backyard,

404
00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:43,645
when, without warning,
I was abducted by aliens.

405
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:45,189
-KANG: Warning! Warning!
-(gasps)

406
00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:47,858
Prepare to be abducted.

407
00:17:49,985 --> 00:17:50,986
Huh?

408
00:17:53,530 --> 00:17:55,324
(moaning)

409
00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:57,076
Congratulations.

410
00:17:57,159 --> 00:18:00,662
You have been selected
for our cross-breeding program.

411
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,998
To put you at ease, we have recreated

412
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,625
the most common spawning locations

413
00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:06,126
of your species.

414
00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:09,046
You may choose either

415
00:18:09,129 --> 00:18:10,798
the back seat of a Camaro,

416
00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:12,591
an airplane bathroom,

417
00:18:12,674 --> 00:18:14,009
a friend's wedding,

418
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,970
or the alley behind a porno theater.

419
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:20,307
I absolutely refuse
to go along with this.

420
00:18:21,308 --> 00:18:24,311
But since I have no choice,
I'll take the alley.

421
00:18:24,978 --> 00:18:27,314
(romantic music playing)

422
00:18:27,397 --> 00:18:29,691
Initiate fertilization procedure.

423
00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:32,319
(yawning)

424
00:18:32,402 --> 00:18:34,488
Oh, you look lovely this evening.

425
00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:36,782
Have you decreased in mass?

426
00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:38,742
<i>MARGE: I tried</i>
<i>to resist, but they applied</i>

427
00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:41,578
<i>powerful mind confusion techniques.</i>

428
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:42,913
Look behind you.

429
00:18:43,705 --> 00:18:45,290
Insemination complete.

430
00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:47,417
Really? That seemed awfully quick.

431
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,419
-What are you implying?
-Nothing, nothing.

432
00:18:49,503 --> 00:18:51,421
Whoa, wow, look at the time.

433
00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:52,756
I'd love to stay,

434
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,591
but I have an early meeting tomorrow.

435
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,969
You're a super girl, though.

436
00:18:57,052 --> 00:18:58,595
I'll call you sometime.

437
00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:00,556
Whoa!

438
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:04,476
Nine months later,
I gave birth to Maggie.

439
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,521
And now she must return home
to Rigel VII,

440
00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:09,022
where she will be guaranteed

441
00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:12,651
a lucrative Civil Service job for life.

442
00:19:12,734 --> 00:19:14,570
Well, we can't compete
with that, but...

443
00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:15,946
But nothing.

444
00:19:16,029 --> 00:19:18,282
Get your slimeless hands off her.

445
00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:20,033
People, people, space monsters.

446
00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:21,285
This is going nowhere.

447
00:19:21,368 --> 00:19:22,744
There's only one man

448
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:24,621
who can settle an argument
this bizarre.

449
00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:29,793
{\an8}(audience chanting) Jerry,
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry...

450
00:19:29,877 --> 00:19:31,253
OK, we're back.

451
00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:32,713
Homer, how'd it feel to learn your baby

452
00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:35,841
{\an8}was fathered
by a drooling space octopus?

453
00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:37,926
{\an8}It made me angry, Jerry.

454
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,553
{\an8}Angry and tired.

455
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:41,722
Well, you're about to get
a whole lot angrier,

456
00:19:41,805 --> 00:19:44,474
because we have the extramarital
extraterrestrial

457
00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:47,394
{\an8}backstage in a soundproof booth
where he can't hear us.

458
00:19:47,477 --> 00:19:49,188
{\an8}I hear all.

459
00:19:49,271 --> 00:19:51,648
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kang.

460
00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:53,650
-(audience applauding)
-Hey.

461
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:55,819
Yeah!

462
00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:58,030
(audience booing)

463
00:19:58,113 --> 00:20:00,949
Mmm.
(smooching)

464
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:01,950
-AUDIENCE: Oh!
-You one-eyed,

465
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:03,368
two-timing (bleep).

466
00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:04,494
I'm gonna (bleep).

467
00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:05,996
Oh, yeah?

468
00:20:06,079 --> 00:20:08,415
Well, (bleep) hyperbolic paraboloid!

469
00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:10,083
(bleep) Yo mama!

470
00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:12,586
(audience hooting)

471
00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,047
Yeah, I got a question

472
00:20:15,130 --> 00:20:16,715
for that gross thing, whatever it is.

473
00:20:16,798 --> 00:20:18,800
-Homer.
-No, the green dude.

474
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,720
If you're that baby's daddy,
where you been at?

475
00:20:21,803 --> 00:20:22,721
(growls)

476
00:20:22,804 --> 00:20:24,139
(audience cheering
and applauding)

477
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,766
You know, somebody needs to learn

478
00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:28,185
your green ass some responsibility.

479
00:20:28,268 --> 00:20:29,853
-AUDIENCE: Yeah.
-(screams)

480
00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:31,897
Now, hold on, Kang.

481
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,733
You can't bully my audience
with your fancy ray gun.

482
00:20:34,816 --> 00:20:38,320
(audience screaming)

483
00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:40,572
And now for my final thought.

484
00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:43,659
Nobody wins when parents
put their petty squabbles

485
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:45,244
above the welfare of a child.

486
00:20:45,786 --> 00:20:47,913
Let's hope they put
their differences aside,

487
00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:49,623
and do what's best for Maggie.

488
00:20:49,706 --> 00:20:52,209
-(hissing)
-Ow! What the (bleep)

489
00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:54,711
Get the (bleep) baby off!
(bleep)

490
00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:56,672
-Son of a (bleep)
-(groaning)

491
00:20:56,755 --> 00:20:58,131
JERRY: Bouncers!
(muffled screaming)

492
00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:00,842
-(Homer grunting)
-(Maggie straining)

493
00:21:04,304 --> 00:21:06,390
I am so (bleep) embarrassed.

494
00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:09,893
I can't believe it.

495
00:21:09,977 --> 00:21:12,396
Jerry Springer didn't
solve our conflict.

496
00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:13,814
And now he's dead.

497
00:21:13,897 --> 00:21:17,025
Anyhoo, this is your last chance.

498
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:19,569
Turn over the baby now.

499
00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:23,365
Or we will destroy
all your leaders in Washington.

500
00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:27,244
Oh, you couldn't destroy
every politician.

501
00:21:27,327 --> 00:21:29,746
Just watch us.

502
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:33,083
(both laughing)

503
00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:36,003
BART: Don't forget Ken Starr.

504
00:21:38,463 --> 00:21:40,090
Suckers.

505
00:21:40,173 --> 00:21:43,635
Come on, Maggie, let's go home.

506
00:21:43,719 --> 00:21:45,137
-(Kang's voice) Very well.
-(all gasp)

507
00:21:45,220 --> 00:21:46,888
I'll drive.

508
00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:50,183
(evil laughter)

509
00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:53,854
KANG: <i>I need blood.</i>

510
00:21:57,858 --> 00:21:59,818
(theme music playing
in space music tune)

511
00:22:37,856 --> 00:22:39,858
REGIS: <i>My eyes! My beautiful eyes.</i>

512
00:22:44,112 --> 00:22:46,114
{\an8}Captioned by Visual Data Media Services