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CHORUS:
♪ The Simpsons ♪
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00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:19,185
(bell ringing)
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(buzzing)
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00:01:04,355 --> 00:01:06,107
D-oh!
(screams)
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REV. LOVEJOY:
...And may we burn
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{\an8}in painful
and foul-smelling fire
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{\an8}forever and ever.
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{\an8}A...men...
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{\an8}...onite minister
will be giving a guest sermon
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{\an8}next Sunday.
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{\an8}Go in peace.
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{\an8}A...
(coughs)
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Don't make me come up there.
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-...men.
-HOMER: Whoo-hoo!
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MOE: Let me outta here.
The guy never stops talking.
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{\an8}-(stomach growling)
-Oh.
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{\an8}I'm starving.
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{\an8}Mom, can we go catholic
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{\an8}so we can get communion wafers
and booze?
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{\an8}No. No one's going catholic.
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Three children is enough,
thank you.
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{\an8}Hang in there, son.
I'm taking us out
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{\an8}for our traditional
Sunday brunch.
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{\an8}DRIVER: Idiot!
HOMER: He zinged you, Marge.
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(giggling)
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-(gasps)
-Brunch is served.
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(smacking loudly)
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{\an8}I feel guilty
coming here every Sunday
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{\an8}and never actually
buying anything.
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{\an8}Why? We're following the rules.
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{\an8}If it has
a toothpick in it, it's free.
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{\an8}-Hey.
-(smacking)
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Ah, this is my kind of aisle,
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soy substitute,
whiz-less cheese...
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{\an8}(gasps)
Oven-roasted cud.
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It's packed in its own drool.
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{\an8}Gavin, honey,
help Mommy pick a cereal.
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{\an8}(gasps)
How about alfalfa-bits?
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{\an8}Those suck.
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{\an8}I hate this store.
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{\an8}But, sweetheart, Mommy--
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{\an8}I hate you , too.
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{\an8}I want to live
with one of my dads.
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{\an8}Mmm.
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{\an8}So you say this product
is known as fudge?
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{\an8}Yes, just like it was last week.
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{\an8}If you're going to get snippy,
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00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,309
{\an8}I'll take my business elsewhere.
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00:03:05,643 --> 00:03:07,770
Cherry Garcia? Yuck.
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{\an8}Honey Bono?
Desmond Tutti Fruitti?
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{\an8}Ech.
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{\an8}Lisa, help Daddy find
some normal flavors.
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(grunts)
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Candy Warhol?
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Xavier Nougat?
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Nah. Nothing made of dead guys.
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{\an8}What's in the back?
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{\an8}-(grunting)
-(shivering)
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Hurry up!
My hands are getting cold.
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(Lisa sneezes)
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Oh, my goodness, Homer,
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get her out of there!
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Ohh!
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Ugh. Sherbet Hoover?
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00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:37,926
Oh. We've got to get you home
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00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:40,136
to a warm blanket
and a cold compress.
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Whoo!
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(grunting)
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(man clearing throat)
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Those are eight dollars
a pound, sport.
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Hmm. Eight dollars a pound times
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say, oh, five pounds is, umm...
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Let's see.
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How many pounds in a gallon?
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Oh, I can't afford that.
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(gasps)
Unless...
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(sneezes)
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(laughing)
I told you I'm a financial genius.
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I buy an eight-dollar lobster,
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fatten it into an $80 lobster
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and eat the profits.
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Lobsters need saltwater.
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I'm way ahead of you.
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BART: Dad, the fish.
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Son, I'm still fine-tuning.
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Eh-eh.
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Uh-oh!
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Eh-eh.
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Perfect.
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(sneezes)
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Oh, you don't sound so good.
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00:04:29,727 --> 00:04:31,437
We'd better get you
some cold medicine.
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00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:33,314
No problem, I picked
some up at the store!
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Oh.
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Oh, Homey,
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you made breakfast.
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Nothing's too good
for my one and only.
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Eat, eat. You're nothing
but skin and bones.
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(sneezes)
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Oh.
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Oh, how are you feeling, sweetie?
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(nasally voice)
Much better.
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(sneezes)
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Oh, my. You're burning up.
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I'm going to tell the school
you're staying home.
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I'm afraid I can't allow that.
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Lisa...
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Mom, no, wait!
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We can make a deal!
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You don't have anything I want.
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Ohh...
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NARRATOR:
The ocean abounds
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with fearsome creatures,
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but none attacks its prey
with more fury
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than the seaweed shark.
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The struggle is soon over.
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Oh. You shouldn't be
watching the learning channel.
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You need to take it easy.
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But I'm hardly learning at all.
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Why don't you play
with one of Bart's
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video games instead?
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Hugh Downs says
they're the latest craze.
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-(sighs)
-(evil laughter)
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Foolish dingo,
you must find and devour
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the seven crystal babies,
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or spend eternity trapped
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in deep didgeri-doo!
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(evil laughter)
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I am so scared.
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All right. I guess you're supposed
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to go through this stupid door?
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Hmm. I wonder
what's in this glowing barrel.
133
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What? Nunchuks?
Those aren't even australian.
134
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Oh, great. So I'm dead now.
135
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Fine. I'm sick
of this stupid game anyway.
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Yes! I am just
four power wands away
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from an antigravity lozenge.
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(gasps) Hope I don't run
into that weird little troll.
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Hi, Lisa.
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LISA: No, pause, pause!
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I brought your homework.
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We have to read this.
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LISA: The Wind In The Willows?
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It's about a toad
and a badger and a mole.
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I drawed on mine.
(chuckles)
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Is this my house?
147
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No. You live in a different house.
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Choo-choo-choo, whoo, whoo!
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Then I shall rule
The Down Underverse!
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(evil laughter)
151
00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:43,361
We'll see about that, mate.
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HOMER: Okay, together
we weigh 300 pounds.
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00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:51,494
According to my driver's license,
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00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:53,413
I weigh 140 pounds.
155
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:55,373
That means that you weigh, ohh...
156
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160 pounds.
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00:06:57,875 --> 00:06:59,585
Oh-ho-ho! You're doing great.
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No, no!
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00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:02,880
Yep! That's it! Bite, bite, bite!
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00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:04,674
-(knock at door)
-MARGE: Lisa?
161
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:08,261
Oh, sweetie,
you look so much better.
162
00:07:08,344 --> 00:07:09,637
Ready to go back to school?
163
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:10,972
Uh, I don't know.
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00:07:11,055 --> 00:07:13,599
(coughing)
I mean, I could risk it, but...
165
00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:15,518
No, no, you just stay put.
166
00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:18,479
Wow. You didn't even feel
her forehead.
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00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:20,106
How do I get
that kind of credibility?
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00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:22,442
With eight years
of scrupulous honesty.
169
00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:24,110
Eh. It's not worth it.
170
00:07:25,778 --> 00:07:28,781
{\an8}Oh, I really need
one more day, mom.
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00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:30,950
I think the germs are regrouping.
172
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,535
Now, for breakfast,
I'll have hash browns,
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00:07:32,618 --> 00:07:33,453
coffee and a short stack.
174
00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:34,954
And would it kill you
to heat up the syrup?
175
00:07:36,914 --> 00:07:37,748
(tires screeching)
176
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,668
But I... I might infect the other kids.
177
00:07:40,751 --> 00:07:42,670
That's a risk I'm willing to take.
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00:07:43,087 --> 00:07:44,213
So long!
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00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:46,299
Welcome back, Lisa.
180
00:07:46,382 --> 00:07:48,009
I trust you got
the homework I assigned.
181
00:07:48,092 --> 00:07:49,010
The Wind In The Willows?
182
00:07:49,093 --> 00:07:50,344
Oh, yeah, Ralph brought it over.
183
00:07:50,678 --> 00:07:53,222
Perfect. Then I won't need
to excuse you from the test.
184
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:54,765
(gulps)
Test?
185
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:56,934
(Taskmaster's voice):
Game over, mate.
186
00:07:57,518 --> 00:07:58,686
Ohh...
187
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:04,317
Okay, all right.
188
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,861
You can bluff your way
through one test.
189
00:08:06,944 --> 00:08:08,988
"Mr. Toad has a red blank."
190
00:08:09,071 --> 00:08:10,156
Okay, skip that one.
191
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,826
"Mr. blank needs a blank
in order to blank his blank."
192
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:16,787
Oh, I am in deep blank.
193
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:18,706
And the lowest grade in the class...
194
00:08:18,789 --> 00:08:20,374
She's going to say my name.
195
00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:22,168
Lisa Simpson, zero.
196
00:08:22,251 --> 00:08:23,127
(gasps)
197
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:24,045
-SKINNER: Lisa...
-(gasps)
198
00:08:24,128 --> 00:08:26,297
...the president of Harvard
would like a word with you.
199
00:08:26,380 --> 00:08:28,424
Nasty business, that zero.
200
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,761
Naturally Harvard's doors
are now closed to you,
201
00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:33,596
but I'll pass your file along to...
202
00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:35,097
(snickering)
Brown.
203
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:37,099
Hmm. Heck of a school.
204
00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,100
Weren't you at Brown, Otto?
205
00:08:38,809 --> 00:08:40,978
Yep. Almost got tenure, too.
206
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:43,648
(gasps)
No! Not Brown,
207
00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:44,941
Brown, Brown, Brown...
208
00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:46,943
Lisa, you're saying Brown
an awful lot.
209
00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:47,860
Are you okay?
210
00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:49,904
Well, actually,
211
00:08:49,987 --> 00:08:52,323
I do feel a little feverish.
212
00:08:52,406 --> 00:08:54,200
Ah. Don't worry about the test.
213
00:08:54,283 --> 00:08:55,952
Just get yourself
a nice drink of water.
214
00:08:56,285 --> 00:08:58,079
Then come back and finish the test.
215
00:08:58,454 --> 00:08:59,372
(gulps)
216
00:09:02,291 --> 00:09:03,543
I need a miracle.
217
00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:06,379
-Come on. You owe me.
-What's up, sis?
218
00:09:06,462 --> 00:09:08,756
-Bart, shouldn't you be in class?
-I am.
219
00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:12,134
It's a little something
I whipped up at shop, mostly latex.
220
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:13,219
What are you doing out here?
221
00:09:13,302 --> 00:09:15,555
We've got a test,
and I didn't read the book.
222
00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:17,473
I'll get a zero for sure, Bart.
223
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:18,766
What do I do?
224
00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:20,685
Well, if it was me,
I'd just take the zero.
225
00:09:20,768 --> 00:09:23,104
-(growls)
-Uh, but that's not for everyone.
226
00:09:23,646 --> 00:09:25,439
There's one other possibility.
227
00:09:26,023 --> 00:09:27,984
Hey, I can't go in there.
228
00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:30,319
Relax. There's nothing here
you didn't see
229
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,779
when Dad boycotted pants.
230
00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:37,910
NELSON: Hang on. I'll buzz you in.
231
00:09:38,327 --> 00:09:39,745
Buzz!
232
00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:41,247
Teacher and subject?
233
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:42,790
Miss Hoover, Wind In The Willows.
234
00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:47,211
Hmm-hmm-hmm. Oh.
235
00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,129
Here we go.
236
00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:50,798
(gasps)
Oh, my god.
237
00:09:50,881 --> 00:09:52,508
These are the answers to the test.
238
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:53,884
I don't want to cheat.
239
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,928
Hey, hey, these are study aids.
240
00:09:56,012 --> 00:09:58,097
They're for novelty purposes only.
241
00:09:58,180 --> 00:09:59,890
If a few bad apples
use them for cheating,
242
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:01,350
I can't be held responsible.
243
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:02,351
Forget it.
244
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:03,853
I'd rather get a zero.
245
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:05,771
Good for you, lass.
246
00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,940
I got me a zero once
247
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:10,693
and my life turned out just fine.
248
00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:12,903
Oh! Whoa!
249
00:10:12,987 --> 00:10:14,905
That's a nasty clog.
250
00:10:15,239 --> 00:10:18,117
Ooh, you've got yourself
a partner, have you?
251
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:19,535
(grunting)
252
00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:21,329
Keep the change.
253
00:10:21,412 --> 00:10:23,497
WILLIE: Come here,
you slippery rascals.
254
00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:26,250
Good news, my delicious friend.
255
00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:28,919
You're going to be
a free-range lobster.
256
00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:31,881
Come on, boy. Dig in.
257
00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:34,258
They'll give you
a big, strong thorax.
258
00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:35,384
Whoa!
259
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:38,054
Why, you little... Ah!
260
00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:41,515
Ohh, look at him cower.
261
00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:43,184
Just like the boy.
262
00:10:43,267 --> 00:10:45,853
I can't stay mad
at such a helpless little mammal.
263
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:49,023
(giggles) I'm gonna get you
for that, you little scamp.
264
00:10:49,106 --> 00:10:50,941
Here! Yeah! Take that, Pinchy.
265
00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:53,152
(giggling)
266
00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:56,405
I graded this morning's test
over lunch
267
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:57,907
and most of you did quite well.
268
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,993
-I got a B.
-No, Ralph. That's an F.
269
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,662
I must have spilled some kahlua.
270
00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:04,163
Perfect, Lisa.
271
00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:06,582
And you got
all the extra-credit questions.
272
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,668
Even the one that got
cut off by the copy machine.
273
00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:11,504
Oh,well, I guess
I was just on a roll.
274
00:11:11,587 --> 00:11:12,880
(groans)
275
00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:14,840
Don't be so modest, Lisa.
276
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:17,134
You earned that A+++.
277
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:18,719
Actually, there are four pluses.
278
00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:20,429
No, that's drambuie.
279
00:11:21,597 --> 00:11:22,473
Mmm.
280
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:25,643
Ooh, so plump and juicy.
281
00:11:25,726 --> 00:11:27,812
Hmm! He's going to boil up nicely.
282
00:11:27,895 --> 00:11:28,854
(slurps)
283
00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:31,190
Well, I guess this is it, old pal.
284
00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:32,942
This is your big day.
285
00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:34,151
The water's boiling.
286
00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:35,277
Quick. Chuck him in.
287
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:37,029
-Uh...
-Come on. Chuck him in.
288
00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:39,699
-Okay.
-Let's go! In the pot, in the pot!
289
00:11:40,157 --> 00:11:41,033
Ohh.
290
00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:46,288
-But, Marge, look at the little guy.
-(gasps)
291
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:47,707
(growling)
292
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:48,958
He looks like an ordinary...
293
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:50,501
Ow! Son of a--
294
00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:52,586
Feel that, Marge? He likes you.
295
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,382
And now, for the main course...
296
00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:59,635
Steamed Maine cabbages.
297
00:12:00,177 --> 00:12:01,846
(clears throat)
Pardon me for asking,
298
00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:03,472
but where the hell's
my stupid lobster?
299
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:04,515
We're not eating Mr. Pinchy.
300
00:12:04,598 --> 00:12:05,891
He's part of the family now.
301
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:08,436
(grunts)
302
00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:10,771
Pinchy, I made you some risotto.
303
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:11,689
Dad!
304
00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:12,857
BART:
What, you got to be kidding me.
305
00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:14,859
What's your problem, veggie?
You don't even eat lobster.
306
00:12:14,942 --> 00:12:16,610
No, but I enjoy the smell.
307
00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:18,028
Well, lobster or no lobster,
308
00:12:18,112 --> 00:12:19,905
this is still a very special dinner.
309
00:12:20,364 --> 00:12:22,533
(humming fanfare)
310
00:12:22,616 --> 00:12:24,493
Lisa broke her own record
311
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,078
by two whole pluses.
312
00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:28,247
Mom, where did you get that?
313
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:30,875
Oh, it just turned up in the course
of my daily rummaging.
314
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:33,085
By the way, I oiled
the hinge on your diary.
315
00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:36,881
Aren't you proud
of your big sister, Mr. Pinchy?
316
00:12:36,964 --> 00:12:38,132
Hmm? Hmm?
317
00:12:38,215 --> 00:12:41,510
Oh, I am sick of everyone
being so proud of me!
318
00:12:42,970 --> 00:12:44,138
That's my girl!
319
00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:45,765
BART: Ah, cheer up, Lise.
320
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:47,683
You got a good grade
without even reading the book.
321
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:48,601
That's win-win.
322
00:12:48,684 --> 00:12:49,602
Can't you see the difference
323
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:52,563
between earning something
honestly and getting it by fraud?
324
00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:56,317
Hmm, I suppose, maybe if, uh...
325
00:12:57,109 --> 00:12:59,695
No. No, sorry, I thought
I had it there for a sec.
326
00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:01,906
(bell ringing)
327
00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:05,367
Psst, Lisa, check it out.
328
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,203
Tomorrow's fraction quiz.
329
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:08,496
I'll give you the numerators free,
330
00:13:08,579 --> 00:13:10,539
but the denominators
are going to cost you.
331
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,625
I don't want
your dirty denominators.
332
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,753
-Well, la-dee-da, lady cheaterly.
-(gasps)
333
00:13:15,836 --> 00:13:17,296
Can I at least
keep you in my rolodex?
334
00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:18,422
No!
335
00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:21,217
I never cheated before
and I never will again.
336
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:24,220
Oh, I almost wish I hadn't
gotten away with it.
337
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,346
SKINNER (over speakers):
Lisa Simpson,
338
00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:27,389
report to the principal's office
339
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:30,226
to discuss the results
of yesterday's test.
340
00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:31,393
We never met.
341
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:36,357
SKINNER: I've just received
some rather unusual news
342
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,693
regarding your unprecedented
A triple plus.
343
00:13:40,694 --> 00:13:43,447
To be honest, I'm surprised
and saddened.
344
00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:45,449
Uh, no, not saddened.
345
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:46,492
What's the word?
346
00:13:46,575 --> 00:13:47,827
Ah, yes. Delighted.
347
00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:50,079
-What?
-I'm delighted to report
348
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:51,539
that your grade
349
00:13:51,622 --> 00:13:53,415
brought the entire school's G.P.A.
350
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:55,793
up to our state's
minimum standard.
351
00:13:55,876 --> 00:13:58,546
We now qualify
for a basic assistance grant.
352
00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:01,841
It's the greatest honor
the school has ever received.
353
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:04,677
And it's all thanks to you.
354
00:14:05,052 --> 00:14:06,220
Your devotion to scholarship
355
00:14:06,303 --> 00:14:08,472
is a shining beacon to all who...
356
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:10,391
Stop it! I cheated!
357
00:14:10,474 --> 00:14:13,561
Cheated, cheated,
cheated, cheated, cheated!
358
00:14:13,644 --> 00:14:15,479
Lisa, what are you trying to say?
359
00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:16,856
I cheated!!
360
00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:18,357
(gasps)
361
00:14:20,776 --> 00:14:22,027
SKINER: You cheated?
362
00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:24,864
Oh, lordy, lordy, lordy.
363
00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:26,282
Why didn't Miss Hoover tell me?
364
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:27,867
She doesn't know.
365
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,368
You're the only one I've told.
366
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:32,538
Well, then...
367
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,999
one could make the argument
368
00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:37,710
that there really is no problem.
369
00:14:37,793 --> 00:14:39,461
But what I did was wrong.
370
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:40,796
Oh, very much so,
371
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,131
but as long as we handle this
372
00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:44,967
in a mature and above all,
quiet manner,
373
00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:46,635
we'll still get that grant money.
374
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,846
(chuckles)
375
00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:50,180
Oh, you really scared me there.
376
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:52,182
But we can't accept that money.
377
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:53,142
It's tainted.
378
00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:55,144
Now, now.
Leave the money out of this.
379
00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:56,896
It's not the money's fault
you cheated.
380
00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:59,189
Besides, I've already
started spending it.
381
00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:00,524
Check out the new scoreboard.
382
00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:03,068
-(fanfare plays)
-CROWD: Charge!
383
00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:04,278
(laughs)
384
00:15:04,361 --> 00:15:05,696
I'm still learning all the buttons.
385
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:07,740
Well, if you're going
to cover this up,
386
00:15:07,823 --> 00:15:09,992
I'll just have to go
over your head to Super...
387
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:11,285
-(buzzer sounds)
-...intendent...
388
00:15:11,368 --> 00:15:12,953
-(buzzer sounds)
-...Chalmers!
389
00:15:14,121 --> 00:15:15,456
(explosion)
390
00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:18,667
Skinner!
391
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:21,086
I am outraged
that you've kept this from me.
392
00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:22,671
You were supposed to call
393
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,798
as soon as
the new scoreboard was in.
394
00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:26,675
Tell me, does it play
that song "Charge"?
395
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,344
Oh, does it ever!
396
00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:30,220
(grunts)
You can't keep this scoreboard
397
00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:32,640
because there's not going to be
any grant money
398
00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:34,934
because I cheated!
399
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:38,354
Lisa, let's take a walk.
400
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:41,941
A little traveling music, Seymour.
401
00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:44,944
(stadium organ music plays)
402
00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:47,571
(grunts)
Good lord, what a dump.
403
00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:48,572
-(dog barking)
-(cat meowing)
404
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:49,990
It's not surprising this school
405
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:51,158
was once classified
406
00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:53,869
the most dilapidated
in all of Missouri.
407
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:55,704
-LISA: Hmm?
-That's why it was shut down
408
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,122
and moved here, brick by brick.
409
00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:58,582
Look around, Lisa.
410
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:01,001
That grant money
could do a lot of good.
411
00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:02,336
Don't you think those youngsters
412
00:16:02,419 --> 00:16:04,296
deserve a regulation tetherball?
413
00:16:05,172 --> 00:16:06,882
-Ow!
-Ohh!
414
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,968
We can buy real periodic tables
415
00:16:09,051 --> 00:16:11,387
instead of these promotional ones
from Oscar Mayer.
416
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:13,722
Now who can tell me
the atomic weight of bolgnium?
417
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,724
Oh, delicious?
418
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:16,642
Correct.
419
00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:18,978
I would also accept
"snacktacular."
420
00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:20,646
And for the first time ever,
421
00:16:20,729 --> 00:16:23,065
our computer lab
actually has a computer in it.
422
00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:29,154
Hi, Lisa.
423
00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:31,490
Hi, Supernintendo Chalmers.
424
00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:34,118
Meow.
425
00:16:34,201 --> 00:16:35,911
I'm learnding.
426
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,955
Ah, way to go, Ralph.
427
00:16:38,038 --> 00:16:40,290
Oh, she's a beaut.
You can't beat a coleco.
428
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,418
How many
can I put you down for? A lot?
429
00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:43,460
Please say a lot.
430
00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:44,753
I need this.
431
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:45,796
I don't know.
432
00:16:46,213 --> 00:16:48,132
I'm not even sure
we can keep this one.
433
00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:49,925
It's up to Lisa.
434
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,135
What do you say, Lisa?
435
00:16:51,468 --> 00:16:52,678
Will you keep our little secret
436
00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:55,014
for the good of your classmates
and your school?
437
00:16:55,097 --> 00:16:56,890
And let's not forget old Gil, huh?
438
00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:59,518
(chuckles)
The wolf's at old Gil's door.
439
00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:09,194
Uh... I guess
I don't have much choice.
440
00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:11,155
Oh, thank god!
441
00:17:11,238 --> 00:17:12,614
Now let's talk rust-proofing.
442
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:15,534
These colecos
will rust up on you like that.
443
00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:16,452
Shut up, Gil.
444
00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:18,328
Close the deal, close the deal.
445
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,415
Relax, boy.
446
00:17:21,498 --> 00:17:23,125
We're not going to cook you.
447
00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:24,835
Enjoy your day at the beach.
448
00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:28,047
Ooh, look. Here's a little
playmate for you.
449
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:30,257
(whimpering)
450
00:17:30,799 --> 00:17:33,761
Hey, you don't have to take that
from no punk-ass crab.
451
00:17:34,094 --> 00:17:35,304
What's wrong with you?
452
00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:37,556
Grr, it's not his fault he's a sissy.
453
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,059
Someone's been coddling him.
454
00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:41,477
Don't look at me.
455
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:42,853
I wanted to eat him.
456
00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:45,064
Sorry. It's usually the mother.
457
00:17:45,981 --> 00:17:47,858
You know, I run a small academy
458
00:17:47,941 --> 00:17:49,318
for lobsters like this one.
459
00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:50,986
We stress tough love,
460
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,696
daily chores and the like.
461
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:55,157
No. We're not sending
the lobster away
462
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,451
to some snobby boarding school.
463
00:17:57,534 --> 00:17:58,952
Arr, I understand.
464
00:17:59,036 --> 00:18:00,537
It... It's hard to let go.
465
00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:02,164
Eh, tell me this then.
466
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:04,750
Do you have any spare change?
467
00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:07,711
SKINNER: And now
468
00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:09,213
to present the grant money,
469
00:18:09,546 --> 00:18:12,216
a legendary figure
in educational disbursement,
470
00:18:12,299 --> 00:18:14,551
State comptroller, Atkins.
471
00:18:16,386 --> 00:18:17,221
Whoo!
472
00:18:20,974 --> 00:18:22,017
Thank you.
473
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,477
I'm here tonight to honor the girl
474
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,145
whose unprecedented test score
475
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:26,939
has set a new standard
in excellence.
476
00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:28,315
Lisa.
477
00:18:28,398 --> 00:18:29,983
(applause)
478
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:32,778
Thank you.
479
00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:34,363
I know this giant check
480
00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:36,406
is very important to everyone here.
481
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:39,118
But what's even more important
is the truth.
482
00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:40,953
(all muttering)
483
00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:44,957
Because, after all,
education is the search for truth.
484
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:45,999
No. No, it isn't.
485
00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:47,918
Don't listen to her.
She's out of her mind.
486
00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:50,546
And the truth is,
we don't deserve this grant
487
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:52,297
and I don't deserve your applause.
488
00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:53,799
I cheated on that test.
489
00:18:53,882 --> 00:18:55,884
(audience gasping)
490
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,138
Wait. How dare
you condemn this girl?
491
00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:01,807
Who among you can honestly say
you've never cheated?
492
00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:04,017
On your wives or your husbands?
493
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:05,727
(all muttering)
494
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:07,771
What she just did took courage.
495
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,898
And where I come from, Canada,
496
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,024
we reward courage.
497
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:13,485
So I hereby decree
that you keep the grant
498
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:16,572
and let's give this brave girl
the ovation she deserves.
499
00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:18,991
(applause)
500
00:19:24,329 --> 00:19:26,123
Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.
501
00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:28,917
You got the highest grade
in the class.
502
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,587
-But, mom...
-The highest grade.
503
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,173
Okay, Lisa's gone.
504
00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:36,300
Places, people.
505
00:19:38,051 --> 00:19:40,888
Oh, man, acting is tough.
506
00:19:41,388 --> 00:19:43,140
I'll be in my trailer.
507
00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:45,434
Ah, good old predictable Lisa.
508
00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:48,353
I knew her conscience
was a ticking time bomb.
509
00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:49,605
Heads up.
510
00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:51,190
Here comes the real comptroller.
511
00:19:52,441 --> 00:19:53,692
COMPTROLLER:
This grant ensures
512
00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:55,944
a light bulb in every classroom
513
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:58,822
and a high-definition TV
for the teachers' lounge.
514
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:00,824
(applause)
515
00:20:03,076 --> 00:20:06,330
Now, where's the little girl
who made this grant possible?
516
00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:07,539
Where's Lisa Simpson?
517
00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:11,835
(applause)
518
00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:12,878
Come on up here, Lisa.
519
00:20:14,963 --> 00:20:17,132
Now how about that?
Smart and modest.
520
00:20:17,674 --> 00:20:19,259
Well, I should be going now.
521
00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:21,303
These giant checks
don't hand themselves out.
522
00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:24,306
Okay, people, let's have
a round of applause
523
00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:26,225
for the real comptroller.
524
00:20:26,683 --> 00:20:28,477
-COMPTROLLER: Hmm.
-(applause)
525
00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:29,937
CHALMERS: Idiot.
526
00:20:30,687 --> 00:20:31,730
I know a liquor store
527
00:20:31,813 --> 00:20:33,815
where we can cash this right now.
528
00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:36,443
(cheering)
529
00:20:38,695 --> 00:20:39,780
LISA: And done.
530
00:20:39,863 --> 00:20:42,282
That's one grade I truly earned.
531
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:44,493
Ohh, who left
these muddy claw prints
532
00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:46,161
on my clean floor?
533
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:47,079
Sorry, Marge.
534
00:20:47,162 --> 00:20:49,414
Pinchy got all dirty
in the yard chasing birds.
535
00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:52,834
But don't worry,
I put him in a nice, hot bath.
536
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:55,045
(sniffs)
Hey, what smells so good?
537
00:20:55,128 --> 00:20:56,004
Yeah...
538
00:20:56,546 --> 00:20:57,381
Pinchy?
539
00:20:57,965 --> 00:20:58,966
Pinchy?
540
00:20:59,049 --> 00:21:01,301
Oh, Pinchy!
541
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:02,511
(crying)
542
00:21:03,553 --> 00:21:06,181
(Homer sobbing)
543
00:21:09,142 --> 00:21:11,395
(sobbing loudly)
544
00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:13,897
Oh, man, that's good.
545
00:21:14,481 --> 00:21:16,149
(sobbing loudly)
546
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:17,442
Pass the butter.
547
00:21:17,526 --> 00:21:19,653
(sobbing loudly)
548
00:21:21,405 --> 00:21:23,490
Are you going to eat that
all by yourself?
549
00:21:23,907 --> 00:21:24,992
Uh-huh.
550
00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:27,953
Pinchy would've wanted it this way.
551
00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:31,540
My dear, sweet Pinchy.
552
00:21:35,085 --> 00:21:37,713
No more pain
where you are now, boy.
553
00:21:38,046 --> 00:21:39,423
(grunts)
554
00:21:39,506 --> 00:21:42,759
(sucks)
Oh, god, that's tasty.
555
00:21:42,843 --> 00:21:45,804
I wish Pinchy were here
to enjoy this.
556
00:21:48,098 --> 00:21:50,517
(smacking)
557
00:21:50,892 --> 00:21:52,561
Oh, Pinchy.
558
00:21:58,108 --> 00:21:59,192
(theme music playing)
559
00:22:39,107 --> 00:22:40,150
Shh.
560
00:22:43,195 --> 00:22:45,197
{\an8}Captioned by
Visual Data Media Services