1 00:00:03,294 --> 00:00:06,548 CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:12,595 (theme music playing) 3 00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:19,853 (bell ringing) 4 00:00:23,982 --> 00:00:25,066 (mechanical whirring) 5 00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:31,031 (beeping) 6 00:00:37,662 --> 00:00:43,460 (playing the blues) 7 00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:47,464 (tires screeching) 8 00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:48,590 (clanging) 9 00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:00,477 (honking horn) 10 00:01:04,272 --> 00:01:05,315 D'oh! 11 00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:07,233 -(screams) -(tires screeching) 12 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,501 (crowd muttering) 13 00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:27,837 {\an8}This is Kent Brockman, live at the Monty Burns' Casino. 14 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,757 {\an8}Moments from now, the house that Social Security checks built 15 00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:35,136 {\an8}will be demolished to make way for a casino-themed family hotel. 16 00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:37,514 This must be heart-breaking for you, sir. 17 00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:39,766 I'm just thinking of my employees. 18 00:01:39,849 --> 00:01:43,853 All the cardsharps, bottom dealers and shills. 19 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:45,522 Where will they go? 20 00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:47,482 They're managing your chain of nursing homes, sir. 21 00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:48,691 Excellent. 22 00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:50,235 {\an8}Gone are such headliners as 23 00:01:50,318 --> 00:01:53,071 {\an8}Little Timmy and the Shebangs, The Shebangs, 24 00:01:53,154 --> 00:01:55,865 {\an8}and The New Shebangs featuring Big Timmy. 25 00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:58,493 {\an8}Remember how excited we were when this place opened? 26 00:01:58,576 --> 00:02:00,870 {\an8}Then, a week later, we just forgot about it. 27 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:03,665 {\an8}I'm surprised they bothered to move it when they moved the town. 28 00:02:03,748 --> 00:02:04,999 {\an8}Oh, I can explain that. 29 00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:06,417 {\an8}-You see... -Five. 30 00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:07,502 {\an8}Four... 31 00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:09,379 {\an8}three... two... 32 00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:11,840 {\an8}All right! Here comes the implosion. 33 00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:13,466 {\an8}Implosion? 34 00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:14,634 {\an8}But I thought you said... 35 00:02:14,717 --> 00:02:16,427 {\an8}-(explosion) -(crowd screaming) 36 00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:18,471 {\an8}Hockey pucks! 37 00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:19,806 {\an8}(laughing) 38 00:02:19,889 --> 00:02:21,808 {\an8}Don Rickles zinged you, Marge. 39 00:02:24,435 --> 00:02:25,478 {\an8}Dust! 40 00:02:28,022 --> 00:02:29,440 {\an8}Eat my dust, dust! 41 00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:31,401 {\an8}(tires screeching) 42 00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:32,652 {\an8}-(thud) -(man screams) 43 00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:34,988 {\an8}LISA: Dad, we hit Don Rickles! 44 00:02:35,071 --> 00:02:36,072 {\an8}RICKLES: I'm OK. 45 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,907 {\an8}But the Puerto Rican guy's trying to steal your hubcaps. 46 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,159 {\an8}(laughs) Just kidding. 47 00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:40,827 {\an8}♪ I'm a nice guy ♪ 48 00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:48,543 {\an8}We'd better stop and get the car washed. 49 00:02:48,626 --> 00:02:49,752 {\an8}Ah, what's the rush? 50 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:51,004 {\an8}Might rain next week. 51 00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:52,463 {\an8}Hey, Homer. 52 00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:53,965 {\an8}Car's kind of dirty. 53 00:02:54,048 --> 00:02:56,092 Really? You think I should get it washed? 54 00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,177 Yeah, maybe. 55 00:02:58,344 --> 00:03:00,388 (tires screeching) 56 00:03:00,471 --> 00:03:02,307 {\an8}You listen to your friends 57 00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:03,433 {\an8}but you never listen to me. 58 00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:05,101 Hey, that's great. 59 00:03:06,352 --> 00:03:08,605 All right, young 'uns, bath time. 60 00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:11,733 Cover up your eyes and drop your britches. 61 00:03:11,816 --> 00:03:13,151 Who wants wax? 62 00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:14,360 KIDS: Yay! 63 00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:16,321 MAN: I insist you take special care 64 00:03:16,404 --> 00:03:18,865 {\an8}with my collection of valuable and humorous bumper stickers 65 00:03:18,948 --> 00:03:20,783 {\an8}particularly this one 66 00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:23,661 {\an8}which was given to me by a Harrison Ford look-alike. 67 00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:25,246 {\an8}(speaking in Spanish) 68 00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:27,582 {\an8}(buzzing) 69 00:03:32,086 --> 00:03:33,213 -(boing) -Oh! 70 00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:38,051 (in English) Wow, you can't find this stuff anywhere. 71 00:03:38,134 --> 00:03:39,594 Seals and Crofts, Pablo Cruise, 72 00:03:39,677 --> 00:03:40,678 Air Supply... 73 00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:44,349 Whoa! Loggins and Oates. 74 00:03:44,432 --> 00:03:45,516 And it's free. 75 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,310 I've never heard of these bands, Mom. 76 00:03:47,393 --> 00:03:48,728 What kind of music do they play? 77 00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:49,812 Crap rock? 78 00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,648 -No... -Wuss rock? 79 00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:52,732 That's it. 80 00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:54,442 (cash register rings) 81 00:03:54,525 --> 00:03:55,610 Ten dollars? 82 00:03:55,693 --> 00:03:58,071 What is this? A car wash for millionaires? 83 00:03:58,154 --> 00:03:59,739 Throw hot wax on him, Dad. 84 00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:01,199 Howdy, Homer. 85 00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:03,243 Five dollars, please. 86 00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:05,954 Hey! How did Churchy la Femme get half price? 87 00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:07,705 Senior citizens' discount. 88 00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:09,916 Pfft! Senior citizen? 89 00:04:09,999 --> 00:04:11,000 Flanders? 90 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:13,544 Well, we'll see about that. 91 00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:16,130 {\an8}(church organ playing) 92 00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:21,052 ...and once again, tithing is ten percent off the top. 93 00:04:21,135 --> 00:04:23,721 That's gross income, not net. 94 00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:25,598 Please, people, don't force us to audit. 95 00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:26,891 (grumbling) 96 00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:30,144 Now, we're going to pass this around a second time. 97 00:04:30,228 --> 00:04:31,938 Brother Ned, if you'll do the honors. 98 00:04:32,021 --> 00:04:34,107 I wouldn't do that, Reverend. 99 00:04:34,190 --> 00:04:39,070 You see, "Saint Flanders" is as crooked as you or me. 100 00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:40,947 (all gasping and muttering) 101 00:04:41,030 --> 00:04:43,950 That's right... It's my sad duty 102 00:04:44,033 --> 00:04:47,120 to rat out this man for defrauding a car wash. 103 00:04:47,203 --> 00:04:48,538 How, you ask? 104 00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:51,291 With a phony senior discount card. 105 00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:52,834 (gasping and muttering) 106 00:04:52,917 --> 00:04:54,502 That's not quite true. 107 00:04:54,585 --> 00:04:56,004 Did you or did you not use 108 00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:58,298 a senior citizen discount card at said car wash? 109 00:04:58,381 --> 00:04:59,590 Well, I did, but-- 110 00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:01,926 Now, I'm not a fancy big-city lawyer... 111 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,011 (gasping) 112 00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:07,432 ...but it seems to me that a senior citizen has to be over 55. 113 00:05:07,515 --> 00:05:08,433 Isn't that so? 114 00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:09,517 Well, yes. 115 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,269 And you are how old? 116 00:05:11,352 --> 00:05:12,353 (sighing) Oh... 117 00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:15,982 I suppose, if you must know, I'm... Well, I'm... I'm 60. 118 00:05:16,065 --> 00:05:17,942 MAN 1: God, he looks so cool. MAN 2: He looks terrific. 119 00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:19,444 MAN 3: He looks really young. 120 00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:20,945 What's your secret, Flanders? 121 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:23,114 Goat placenta? Monkey sweat? 122 00:05:23,197 --> 00:05:24,532 Some kind of electric hat? 123 00:05:24,615 --> 00:05:26,909 Holy water? It's holy water, right? 124 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:28,578 Ah! It burns! 125 00:05:28,661 --> 00:05:31,539 Listen, folks. There's no magic formula. 126 00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:33,708 I just follow the three C's: 127 00:05:33,791 --> 00:05:35,418 clean living, chewing thoroughly, 128 00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:37,837 and a daily dose of Vitamin Church. 129 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:38,921 (disappointed sighs) 130 00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:41,382 And, of course, I resist all the major urges. 131 00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:42,675 All of them? 132 00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:44,218 You mean you've never splurged 133 00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:46,804 and, say, eaten an entire birthday cake, 134 00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:48,598 -then blamed it on the dog? -Huh? 135 00:05:48,681 --> 00:05:51,851 You've never licked maple syrup off your lover's stomach? 136 00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:52,894 (embarrassed groaning) 137 00:05:52,977 --> 00:05:55,563 You never snuck out of church to break into cars? 138 00:05:55,646 --> 00:05:57,982 No, no, and double no! 139 00:05:58,066 --> 00:06:00,193 I haven't done any of those things, folks. 140 00:06:00,276 --> 00:06:02,320 You name it, I haven't done it. 141 00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:06,282 Geez, Flanders. You're 60 years old and you haven't lived a day in your life. 142 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,868 Yeah. Even the Boy in the Bubble had a deck of cards. 143 00:06:08,951 --> 00:06:10,578 (all murmuring agreement) 144 00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:11,871 -MAN: I remember that. -Hmm. 145 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,666 Oh, can you believe it? 146 00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:17,377 It almost seemed like those folks were... 147 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,462 were making fun of old steady Neddy. 148 00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:22,673 Well, you may be a bit cautious, but what's wrong with that? 149 00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:24,550 Some people like chunky peanut butter, 150 00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,052 -some like smooth. -Mm-hmm. 151 00:06:26,135 --> 00:06:28,096 And some people just steer clear 152 00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:29,597 of that whole hornet's nest. 153 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,265 I'll stick with just plain white bread, 154 00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:32,433 thank you very much, maybe with a-- 155 00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:35,311 ALL: Glass of water on the side for dippin'. 156 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,313 (tires screeching) 157 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:38,398 Gosh, darn it. 158 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:42,276 Am I that pre-diddley-ictable? (sighs) 159 00:06:43,027 --> 00:06:45,738 I've wasted my whole dang diddley life. 160 00:06:46,447 --> 00:06:47,990 Hey, there! 161 00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,075 ("Any Way You Want It" playing) 162 00:06:49,158 --> 00:06:52,286 Look at that. Everyone's living it up except Ned. 163 00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:54,288 Help! 164 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:56,207 We're being carjacked. 165 00:06:56,290 --> 00:06:58,209 Don't get clever, old man. 166 00:06:58,292 --> 00:07:00,086 Now, take us to DressBarn. 167 00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:06,592 MAUDE: Where have you been, Neddy? 168 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,094 In the bathroom. 169 00:07:08,719 --> 00:07:10,304 Not trimming my mustache. 170 00:07:10,388 --> 00:07:11,431 What do you think? 171 00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:14,183 Do I remind you of troubled troubadour David Crosby? 172 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,811 No. You remind me of silly billy Ned Flanders. 173 00:07:16,894 --> 00:07:18,312 (all giggling) 174 00:07:18,396 --> 00:07:20,982 Would a silly billy sit like this? 175 00:07:21,065 --> 00:07:22,108 Oh! 176 00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:24,026 Rod, call Dr. Stein. 177 00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,154 HOMER: All right, Bart! 178 00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:27,321 Fire in the hole! 179 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,032 (laughing) 180 00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:31,784 OK, no more gasoline. 181 00:07:31,868 --> 00:07:32,952 Hmm. 182 00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:35,246 (Homer humming) 183 00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:38,249 Full power! 184 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,335 Never a dull moment, huh, Homer? 185 00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:42,420 You got that right. 186 00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:43,754 Throw on the mesquite, Bart. 187 00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:45,173 Mesquite it is! 188 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:50,803 Here, this may sound just a teensy bit insane 189 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:52,305 in the old membrane, Homer, 190 00:07:52,388 --> 00:07:55,183 but I was wondering if you could show me how to have some fun. 191 00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:58,644 Well, well, well. So, Flawless Flanders 192 00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:01,147 needs help from Stinky-pants Simpson. 193 00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:02,982 (laughs) Yeah, I guess I do. 194 00:08:03,065 --> 00:08:04,984 Welly, welly, welly... 195 00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:08,488 Mr. Clean wants to hang with Dirty Dingus Magee. 196 00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:09,655 How about it, Homer? 197 00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:12,783 Will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life? 198 00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:14,994 Wellity, wellity, wellity... 199 00:08:15,077 --> 00:08:15,995 Stop that! 200 00:08:16,078 --> 00:08:17,538 Will you help me or not? 201 00:08:18,456 --> 00:08:19,999 -(can clanking) -Let's do it. 202 00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:22,919 -(Homer groans) -So, what about all this meat? 203 00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:24,795 Ah, the missus will clean that up. 204 00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:27,256 Now it's Marge's time to shine. 205 00:08:28,925 --> 00:08:31,427 First of all, I get five dollars a day plus expenses. 206 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:32,512 Seems fair. 207 00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:35,431 And I'll need your signature here... 208 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:36,516 here... 209 00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:38,809 and... initial here. 210 00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:43,814 Ha. You're not really giving my father power of attorney, are you? 211 00:08:43,898 --> 00:08:45,066 Of course, I... (gasps) 212 00:08:45,149 --> 00:08:46,859 Oh, my stars! I can't do that. 213 00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:48,778 Well, that's unfortunate. 214 00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:49,862 It really is. 215 00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:50,905 (sighs) 216 00:08:50,988 --> 00:08:51,906 All right. 217 00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:53,866 Congratulations. 218 00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:56,744 Welcome to the Homer Simpson Program. 219 00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:58,621 So, what happens next? 220 00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:00,623 One day soon, I will come for you... 221 00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:02,291 and then the game will begin. 222 00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,626 Could be in the middle of the night. 223 00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:06,879 It could be when you least expect it. 224 00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:09,173 Or whatever's good for you. I don't care. 225 00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:10,967 OK, Homer, 226 00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:11,926 I'm ready to learn. 227 00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:12,927 What's the first lesson? 228 00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:15,221 Just give me the topic sentence. 229 00:09:16,138 --> 00:09:16,973 Give me that! 230 00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:18,182 That's your problem. 231 00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:20,017 You're living up here. 232 00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:21,936 You got to live down here... 233 00:09:22,311 --> 00:09:24,272 in the impulse zone. 234 00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:27,108 If you want to be like me, you got to make snap decisions. 235 00:09:27,191 --> 00:09:28,192 Like this. 236 00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:29,694 -(tires screeching) -MAN: Oh! 237 00:09:29,777 --> 00:09:31,612 We're going to break the bank 238 00:09:32,029 --> 00:09:35,283 at the Monty Burns' Casino! 239 00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:36,993 Homer, they blew that up yesterday. 240 00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:38,160 HOMER: Oh, yeah. Right. 241 00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:39,412 -(Homer gasps) -(Ned screams) 242 00:09:39,495 --> 00:09:41,872 Then we're going to Las Vegas. 243 00:09:42,331 --> 00:09:44,292 Which is actually back in that direction. 244 00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:45,960 -(exclaims) -(man screams) 245 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,465 ♪ Nobody's gonna take my Ned ♪ 246 00:09:51,549 --> 00:09:54,302 ♪ Gonna teach him to have fu-un ♪ 247 00:09:54,635 --> 00:09:55,886 ♪ Oh, he's a Flanders machine ♪ 248 00:09:58,556 --> 00:10:00,641 That sure was a fun trip to Las Vegas. 249 00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:02,435 Uh, too many kids. 250 00:10:03,352 --> 00:10:05,479 Ooh, it's going on 8:30. 251 00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:08,399 I'd better call Maude and tell her where I am. 252 00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:11,360 Relax. I called her from the gas station. 253 00:10:12,236 --> 00:10:13,279 Thanks, buddy. 254 00:10:13,362 --> 00:10:14,363 (chortling) 255 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:15,448 Sucker. 256 00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:22,496 (upbeat music playing) 257 00:10:42,558 --> 00:10:45,311 Oh, gee, Homer, this all looks so garish. 258 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,898 -(elephant trumpeting) -(lion roaring) 259 00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:50,107 (gorilla shrieking) 260 00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:53,152 Oh! The lights, the noise, the letter "X"... 261 00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:55,613 It's-it's all designed to inflame the senses! 262 00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,031 I'm overstimulated. 263 00:10:57,114 --> 00:10:58,532 I've got to get out of this town. 264 00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:00,284 I don't think so. 265 00:11:01,118 --> 00:11:04,163 I think you'll find escape is quite impossible. 266 00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:05,373 No, I got it. 267 00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:08,000 Oh. Oh. Would you like to be in the audience 268 00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:09,168 for my infomercial? 269 00:11:09,251 --> 00:11:10,169 (screaming) 270 00:11:13,297 --> 00:11:16,592 Help me! My daughter's not talented! 271 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:17,927 (groans) 272 00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:19,220 (tires screeching) 273 00:11:21,889 --> 00:11:23,224 (people cheering) 274 00:11:23,307 --> 00:11:25,101 Hey! Lance Murdock! 275 00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:27,520 {\an8}(engine revving) 276 00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:28,521 If he's not careful 277 00:11:28,604 --> 00:11:30,606 his scooter could roll right down that ramp. 278 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,108 He's a daredevil, Ned. 279 00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:33,609 He laughs at death. 280 00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,194 Huh! When I want to laugh 281 00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:37,613 I'll take Bob Saget, thank you very much. 282 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:40,491 ANNOUNCER: And now the indestructible Lance Murdock 283 00:11:40,574 --> 00:11:44,662 will jump his SuiCycle over an audience member. 284 00:11:44,745 --> 00:11:50,418 And he'll do it while attempting to open a locked safe on his head. 285 00:11:50,918 --> 00:11:53,003 Any volunteers? 286 00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:54,672 Ooh, ooh, ooh! Pick him, pick him! 287 00:11:54,755 --> 00:11:56,090 Now, Homer, no! 288 00:11:56,173 --> 00:11:57,550 I want to do something exciting, 289 00:11:57,633 --> 00:12:00,594 but I can't just go from zero to 30 like that. 290 00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:01,971 I could be killed. 291 00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:03,556 Fine. I'll do it. 292 00:12:03,639 --> 00:12:04,765 Where do you want me? 293 00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:06,726 On the "X." 294 00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:08,227 (SuiCycle engine revving) 295 00:12:08,310 --> 00:12:10,396 You mean the one with the red paint? 296 00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:12,523 Uh, yeah, paint. 297 00:12:12,606 --> 00:12:15,317 Now, it's of critical importance that you don't-- 298 00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,153 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll figure it out. 299 00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:18,821 This isn't rocket science. 300 00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:22,116 Well, actually, there are several rockets mounted to the-- 301 00:12:22,199 --> 00:12:23,367 Boring. 302 00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:25,786 -(drumroll) -(crowd chattering excitedly) 303 00:12:28,664 --> 00:12:29,957 (engine roaring) 304 00:12:31,041 --> 00:12:33,878 ANNOUNCER: OK, he's cleared the ring of fire... 305 00:12:34,336 --> 00:12:35,880 past the ring of ice... 306 00:12:35,963 --> 00:12:38,215 over the dog-doo stick... 307 00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:40,342 He's cracked the safe... 308 00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:42,303 Hey, Flanders, don't spill my beer. 309 00:12:42,386 --> 00:12:43,304 Oh, God, lay down! 310 00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:44,472 Lay down! 311 00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:46,223 (Lance screaming) 312 00:12:47,641 --> 00:12:48,642 Clear! 313 00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:49,810 (buzzing) 314 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:52,104 He's all right, folks! 315 00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:54,482 (crowd cheering) 316 00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:56,358 Okeydoke, let's hit the tables. 317 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:59,862 Oh, my God, Homer, watching you risk your life 318 00:12:59,945 --> 00:13:02,823 turned my beat box all the way up to rumba. 319 00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:04,408 Yeah, I was praying you'd be safe, 320 00:13:04,492 --> 00:13:08,204 but t-to be honest, a part of me wanted to see you get splattered. 321 00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:10,706 Oh, I see someone just had 322 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,000 -his first taste of bloodlust. -Huh. 323 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,629 Let's see, what's Marge's birthday? 324 00:13:16,712 --> 00:13:19,089 Barney's is July 15, same as Lassie's, 325 00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:22,218 so Marge must be 50... Oh, forget it. 326 00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:23,844 Flanders, what's your birthday? 327 00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,471 No, leave me out of this, Homer. 328 00:13:25,554 --> 00:13:28,307 Games of chance are strictly forbidden by Deuteronomy 7... 329 00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:29,892 Seven, eh? 330 00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:34,522 DEALER: Seven a winner. 331 00:13:34,605 --> 00:13:36,440 -Way to go, Flanders! -(gasps) 332 00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:38,442 The Bible's finally pulling its weight. 333 00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:40,027 Got any more holy numbers? 334 00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:41,821 Oh, I got a bunch, Homer, but... 335 00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:44,114 I just don't feel right. 336 00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:47,451 Oh, Lord, what should I do? 337 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:49,203 DEEP VOICE: Keep gaming. 338 00:13:49,286 --> 00:13:50,246 What? 339 00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:52,122 It means gambling. 340 00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:53,874 Keep gambling. 341 00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:55,000 Oh. Righty-o. 342 00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:56,877 One betting disk, please. 343 00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:59,129 "One betting disk, please." 344 00:13:59,213 --> 00:14:00,548 Watch and learn. 345 00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:05,010 And 14 black. 346 00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:06,971 Well, there you go. 347 00:14:07,054 --> 00:14:08,722 -Now, how about a drink? -(exclaims) 348 00:14:11,225 --> 00:14:12,518 How do you do it, Homer? 349 00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:16,313 How do you silence that little voice that says "think"? 350 00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:17,398 You mean Lisa? 351 00:14:17,481 --> 00:14:19,483 Oh, no. I mean common sense. 352 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:20,693 Oh, that. 353 00:14:20,776 --> 00:14:23,112 That can be treated with our good friend alcohol. 354 00:14:23,195 --> 00:14:24,613 You might want to write that down. 355 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:25,698 Where the hell's your notebook? 356 00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:27,324 -You threw it out the-- -Never mind. 357 00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:29,118 Just pay attention. Slave girl? 358 00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:30,953 Oh, slave girl? 359 00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:33,747 More libations, my imperial conquerors? 360 00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:35,624 -What? -More booze. 361 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:36,959 Oh, yeah. 362 00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:38,711 Two more of these, please. 363 00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:40,254 And for you, Ned? 364 00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:42,006 I'll have a Shirley... 365 00:14:42,089 --> 00:14:43,757 No, a Virgin... 366 00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:45,217 No, make it a children's... 367 00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:47,386 Oh! What the heck. 368 00:14:47,469 --> 00:14:48,888 You only live once. 369 00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:50,389 Give me a... 370 00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:54,351 (echoing) White Wine Spritzer! 371 00:15:02,109 --> 00:15:04,612 (Homer snoring) 372 00:15:05,946 --> 00:15:06,947 (groans) 373 00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:09,074 Oh, my goodness, Homer. Ugh. 374 00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:10,534 Wake up. 375 00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,870 (incoherent mumbling) 376 00:15:12,953 --> 00:15:15,205 Oh. Look at this place. 377 00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:18,167 We must've really painted the town last night. 378 00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:21,503 I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit 379 00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:23,255 and I don't remember a thing. 380 00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,174 Welcome to my world. 381 00:15:25,257 --> 00:15:27,092 Oh, I did it! 382 00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:30,888 I conquered my fears and I made up for a lot of lost living. 383 00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:33,265 And I owe it all to the Homer Simpson Program. 384 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:34,266 The what, now? 385 00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:36,852 WOMAN: Well, it's about time you two woke up. 386 00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,479 Well, of course... (screams) 387 00:15:38,562 --> 00:15:39,563 Who are you? 388 00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:40,898 Who am I? 389 00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:43,943 I'm Mrs. Ned Flanders. 390 00:15:44,026 --> 00:15:45,027 (gasps) 391 00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:46,362 (laughing) 392 00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:48,530 Hey, smooth move, Flanders. 393 00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:51,283 And I'm Mrs. Homer Simpson. 394 00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:52,868 (screams) 395 00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:56,121 -Here comes that vomit again. -Ew. 396 00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:01,794 HOMER: OK. 397 00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:04,338 OK. OK. OK. 398 00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:06,674 OK. OK. 399 00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:09,885 OK. 400 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:12,471 OK, you're saying that Ned and me married you two. 401 00:16:12,554 --> 00:16:14,348 Oh, yeah. We're hitched, all right. 402 00:16:14,431 --> 00:16:16,600 Till death do us part. 403 00:16:16,684 --> 00:16:17,977 Mm-hmm. I'm working on that. 404 00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:18,978 Ned, no! 405 00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:20,270 Think of your wives! 406 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:21,981 Wait a minute. 407 00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:25,150 This could be some kind of scam or possibly scamola. 408 00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:27,486 We would remember if we got married. 409 00:16:27,569 --> 00:16:31,323 Boy, you did have a lot to drink last night, Homeo. 410 00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:32,825 Take a look at this. 411 00:16:32,908 --> 00:16:34,326 HOMER: Aw. "Precious Memories." 412 00:16:36,745 --> 00:16:41,750 "I okilly-dokilly, schmokilly" do. 413 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:44,920 And do you, Homer, take this cocktail waitress you just met 414 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,588 to be your lawfully-wedded wife? 415 00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:48,173 What did you call me? 416 00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:51,552 (sighs) Do you want to get married? Married? 417 00:16:51,635 --> 00:16:54,847 (imitating Sinatra) Sure. Sock it to me, baby! 418 00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:57,516 By the power vested in me by the Chicago Outfit, 419 00:16:57,599 --> 00:17:00,394 I now pronounce you husbands and wives. 420 00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:01,770 (smooching) 421 00:17:03,313 --> 00:17:05,941 We are so dead. 422 00:17:06,775 --> 00:17:08,819 Ladies, we want to do the honorable thing. 423 00:17:08,902 --> 00:17:12,573 So, breakfast is on us with full waffle bar privileges. 424 00:17:12,656 --> 00:17:15,367 But first, I'm afraid we have some bad news. 425 00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:17,036 (dramatic sigh) 426 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,537 The waffle bar is closed. 427 00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:19,788 I'm sorry, I'm so very... 428 00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:23,625 Homer! The bad news, ladies, is we already have wives. 429 00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:27,421 Well, you can't be very happy with them if you married us. 430 00:17:27,504 --> 00:17:30,591 You two fellas are the nicest husbands we've ever had 431 00:17:30,674 --> 00:17:32,509 and we're not giving you up without a fight. 432 00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:36,513 But, Ginger, honey, I am not the catch I appear to be. 433 00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:37,931 Ginger's my wife. 434 00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:39,183 Are you sure? 435 00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:40,392 Oh, rats. 436 00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:41,894 No offense, sweetie. 437 00:17:41,977 --> 00:17:47,066 Homer, why don't we go make the girls some custom omelets? 438 00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:51,070 Geez, I've never seen anyone so whipped so fast. 439 00:17:51,153 --> 00:17:52,196 (imitates whip cracking) 440 00:17:52,988 --> 00:17:55,365 (frantic groaning) 441 00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:56,742 What are we going to do, Homer? 442 00:17:56,825 --> 00:17:58,660 My kids are going to be traumatized. 443 00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:00,370 And then there's Maude. 444 00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:01,997 And then there's Maude! 445 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:03,123 I don't know, Flanders. 446 00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:06,210 Having two wives could have its advantages. 447 00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:12,591 Chop, chop, dig, dig, chop, chop, dig, dig, 448 00:18:12,674 --> 00:18:14,593 chop, chop, dig, dig... 449 00:18:14,676 --> 00:18:20,057 You know, Homie, there's so much more two wives could do for you. 450 00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:22,851 I hear digging, but I don't hear chopping. 451 00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,520 (gulping) 452 00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:25,729 (buzzing) 453 00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:27,523 Ooh, a friendly bee. 454 00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:28,899 Ow! (groans) 455 00:18:29,733 --> 00:18:32,569 Ow! That sting hurt so much. 456 00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:33,946 We got to get out of this, Ned. 457 00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:35,072 Well, do something. 458 00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:36,824 This is all your fault. 459 00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:38,367 You and your stupid program. 460 00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:39,535 Blame me if you must, 461 00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:41,495 but don't ever speak ill of the program. 462 00:18:41,578 --> 00:18:42,496 The program is rock solid. 463 00:18:42,579 --> 00:18:44,748 The program is sound. 464 00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:45,916 {\an8}Yoo-hoo! 465 00:18:45,999 --> 00:18:47,960 Oh, those awful women want their omelets. 466 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:49,962 (kissing) 467 00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:52,172 Oh. How are we gonna get out of this mess 468 00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:54,424 in an honorable and decent... 469 00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,009 Oh, nuts! 470 00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:57,427 I don't know. 471 00:18:57,511 --> 00:18:59,346 Omelets have a lot of fat in them. 472 00:18:59,429 --> 00:19:01,140 Forget it. You're married. 473 00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:02,516 Let yourself go. 474 00:19:02,599 --> 00:19:04,768 -(grunt) -Hey, they're running away! 475 00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:06,520 {\an8}("Viva Las Vegas" playing) 476 00:19:06,603 --> 00:19:09,523 {\an8}♪ Bright light city gonna set my soul ♪ 477 00:19:09,606 --> 00:19:11,942 ♪ Gonna set my soul on fire ♪ 478 00:19:12,025 --> 00:19:13,068 (screams) 479 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:16,405 ♪ Gotta whole lotta money that's ready to burn ♪ 480 00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:18,949 ♪ So, get those stakes up higher ♪ 481 00:19:19,032 --> 00:19:21,410 ♪ There's a thousand pretty women ♪ 482 00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:23,036 ♪ Waitin' out there ♪ 483 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:25,956 ♪ They're all livin', the devil may care ♪ 484 00:19:26,039 --> 00:19:27,916 ♪ And I'm just a devil with love to spare ♪ 485 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,334 (grunting and yelling) 486 00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:32,629 ♪ So, viva Las Vegas ♪ 487 00:19:32,713 --> 00:19:35,007 ♪ Viva Las Vegas... ♪ 488 00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,134 (groaning) 489 00:19:37,217 --> 00:19:39,928 How can a fat guy run so fast? Hey! 490 00:19:41,221 --> 00:19:45,309 Yay! (kisses) Come on, baby, show Gil a four. 491 00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:47,519 -Craps. -Oh, no! 492 00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:49,813 Why did I bet the company payroll? 493 00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:52,232 Oh, Gil's in a lot of trouble. 494 00:19:53,650 --> 00:19:54,735 (giggles) 495 00:19:54,818 --> 00:19:56,028 Somebody help! 496 00:19:56,111 --> 00:19:59,072 -Our husbands are trying to ditch us! -(people gasping) 497 00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:01,283 Someone dishonoring their marriage vows? 498 00:20:01,366 --> 00:20:02,701 Not in Las Vegas. 499 00:20:02,784 --> 00:20:04,494 Attention, all employees. 500 00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:06,538 We've got two runaways. Stop them. 501 00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:07,789 -(panting) -(exclaiming) 502 00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:08,832 -(screams) -Oh, no! 503 00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:10,209 -(groaning) -(gasps) 504 00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:12,377 (snarling) 505 00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:13,712 (screams) A lion! 506 00:20:14,963 --> 00:20:16,423 (gasps) Drederick Tatum! 507 00:20:16,506 --> 00:20:18,675 Your behavior is, is unconscionable. 508 00:20:19,259 --> 00:20:20,093 (both gasp) 509 00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,887 (screams) The Moody Blues! 510 00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:24,598 "Cold-hearted Homer, ditching his wife 511 00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:27,559 While ancient Ned runs for his life 512 00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:30,312 Chips of red and blue and white 513 00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:31,688 But we decide..." 514 00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:34,233 Can the poems. It's ass-whupping time. 515 00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:35,275 I want fatty. 516 00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:36,318 (screams) 517 00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:39,446 (pursuers muttering) 518 00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:47,746 What if we switched wives? 519 00:20:47,829 --> 00:20:48,830 Would that help? 520 00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:50,415 For the last time, no! 521 00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:51,458 Hello! 522 00:20:51,541 --> 00:20:52,626 Our ticket to freedom. 523 00:20:54,711 --> 00:20:55,712 (engine starting) 524 00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:56,713 So long, suck-- 525 00:20:56,797 --> 00:20:59,883 -(everybody yelling) -(tiger snarling) 526 00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:04,388 -(Homer and Ned whimpering) -Get out and stay out. 527 00:21:04,471 --> 00:21:07,057 Las Vegas doesn't care for out-of-towners. 528 00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:09,309 Take your money and go someplace else. 529 00:21:09,393 --> 00:21:11,520 -ALL: Yeah. -Why do you disrespect us? 530 00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:14,273 And don't you ever try to marry us again. 531 00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:16,733 We found some guys who know how to treat a woman. 532 00:21:17,317 --> 00:21:18,360 -Uh... -(smooching) 533 00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:19,403 (growling) 534 00:21:19,486 --> 00:21:21,488 But, Amber, I can change! 535 00:21:21,571 --> 00:21:23,156 Will you shut up? 536 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:26,410 All right, let's get our stories straight for Marge and Maude. 537 00:21:26,493 --> 00:21:28,328 We were out buying them fabulous gifts... 538 00:21:28,412 --> 00:21:29,413 What's the occasion? 539 00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:31,206 Because we love them, jackass. 540 00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:35,377 Anyhoo, we come out of Walmart, when suddenly 100 spaceships... 541 00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:37,170 -Homer! -You're right, you're right. 542 00:21:37,254 --> 00:21:39,506 Fifty spaceships beamed us aboard. 543 00:21:39,589 --> 00:21:42,301 They gang-probed you while I discovered an invention 544 00:21:42,384 --> 00:21:44,261 that blew their heads up and saved America. 545 00:21:44,344 --> 00:21:46,805 Uh, do I have to be gang-probed? 546 00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:48,598 Would you rather tell Maude the truth? 547 00:21:48,682 --> 00:21:49,683 (Ned sighing) 548 00:21:49,766 --> 00:21:51,143 What did the aliens look like? 549 00:21:51,226 --> 00:21:52,811 Well, I only saw them from the back 550 00:21:52,894 --> 00:21:54,855 'cause they were so busy gang-probing you. 551 00:21:54,938 --> 00:21:56,106 HOMER: Well, hello, little birdie. 552 00:21:56,189 --> 00:21:57,941 -(vultures squawking angrily) -(Homer and Ned yelling) 553 00:21:58,025 --> 00:21:59,985 HOMER: Oh, my eyes! Cover your eyes! 554 00:22:00,068 --> 00:22:02,487 ("Viva Las Vegas" playing) 555 00:22:02,571 --> 00:22:04,781 ♪ If I wind up broke, well ♪ 556 00:22:04,865 --> 00:22:08,744 {\an8}♪ I'll always remember that I had a swingin' time ♪ 557 00:22:09,202 --> 00:22:12,706 {\an8}♪ I'm gonna give it everything I've got ♪ 558 00:22:12,789 --> 00:22:16,043 {\an8}♪ Lady Luck, please let the dice stay hot ♪ 559 00:22:16,126 --> 00:22:19,171 {\an8}♪ Let me shoot a seven with every shot ♪ 560 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,632 {\an8}♪ Viva Las Vegas ♪ 561 00:22:22,716 --> 00:22:25,927 {\an8}♪ Viva Las Vegas ♪ 562 00:22:26,345 --> 00:22:29,222 {\an8}♪ Viva Las Vegas ♪ 563 00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:32,517 {\an8}♪ Viva, viva ♪ 564 00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:37,856 {\an8}♪ Las Vegas ♪ 565 00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:41,902 -(murmuring) -Shh! 566 00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:47,157 {\an8}Captioned by Visual Data Media Services