CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(theme music playing)
(bell ringing)
(whistle blowing)
(playing the blues)
(honking horn)
D'oh.
(screams)
(all screaming)
And as we pass the collection plate,
please give as though the person next to you were watching.
Whew. Oh, man, this is the hottest Easter ever.
Even that praying mantis is losing it.
(groaning)
Thank you, Helen.
And thank you all for you kind contrib-- ah!
A chocolate bunny?
Who put this wicked idol in the collection plate?
(all gasp)
Relax. I found it in the dumpster.
Perhaps we need a hefty dose of the good book.
(Marge moaning)
"In the beginning..."
Excuse me, Reverend,
it's hard to hear you with those fans going.
Well, let's get those off then.
(Homer moaning) Oh!
"In the beginning, God created
the heavens and the Earth..."
LOVEJOY: Which brings us back to our...
(snoring softly)
Ooh! Ooh!
(animals purring, calling)
What a beautiful garden.
It's almost like paradise.
HOMER: Heads up!
Whee!
(gasps)
Well, hello.
Aren't you hurt?
Of course not. There's no pain in the Garden of Eden.
Hey, you must be Eve.
I guess.
Looks like God made you out of my sexiest rib.
(growls)
Speaking of ribs, is there any grub around here?
Is there?
(English accent) Good morning, Adam.
Any bacon for you then?
Don't mind if I do.
(Flanders's voice) Hi-diddly-ho, paradise dwellers.
Good morning, Lord.
I just have to compliment you
on this beautifully-crafted mate.
Oh, Adam, you're too kind.
No, you're too kind... And wise and righteous.
I can't believe you don't have a girlfriend.
Oh, please, you're going to give me a swelled head.
I just stopped by to see if you needed anything.
Well, some general-interest magazines would be nice.
You got it, Eve.
There you go.
Oh, thanks.
I better skedaddle.
Oh, there's one more weensy little thing.
See that tree over there?
I hate to be a Bossy Betty,
but I have to forbid you to eat its fruit.
No problem, Lord, and it would be even easier
to avoid that temptation if I had a few extra wives.
(growling)
I'm just saying.
Oh, how cute!
Let's call this little guy a groundhog.
Sorry, I already gave him a name-- land monster.
Really?
What do you call that thing on the branch?
(hissing)
Branch monster.
Please, please, call me snake.
Yo, have you dudes sampled this fruit?
It's, like, god's private stash.
But he said it was forbidden.
Quite so, mum.
I recall one of the dinosaurs had a bite.
And, well, that was the last of-- egad.
Please stop eating that.
God's going to be furious.
You're pretty uptight for a naked chick.
You know what would loosen you up?
A little fruit.
Well, it is a sin to waste food.
And you keep saying we need to do things together.
Hmm.
Mmm! This could really spice up those pies I've been making.
(thunder)
-What the dickens? -(gasps)
Eve, did you taste of the forbidden fruit?
(whistling)
Yes, God.
Doggone it, Eve.
I think you'd better hightail it out of this garden.
Adam, say something.
Uh, uh, I think we should see other people.
You heard me! Vamoose!
Oh!
Usually, a mink massage makes me feel better,
but something's missing now.
I didn't say stop.
Lovely day in paradise, isn't it?
Yeah, just like yesterday.
Today, I'm featuring mouth-watering pork ribs.
Tuck in, then.
Oh.
I gave a rib to Eve and now she's gone forever.
One whole rib, and still standing.
Well, aren't you the plucky one, sir.
Come on!
Oh, poor Eve.
What are you doing out there in that horrible place?
I'm toiling. What does it look like?
This is my fault.
I should have stood up for you
during that whole Applegate thing.
It's a little late for apologies now.
Don't say that.
Maybe I can sneak you back in.
I mean, God can't be
everywhere at once, right?
(whistling "Alexander's Ragtime Band")
Somebody order a hole?
Oh, that's a tight squeeze.
(panting)
Oh, thank you.
Are you okay?
I'll be fine. (panting)
Just give me a second to... Ah!
-(gasps) -Come on, Eve. Hurry!
Oh, my dear, sweet Eve.
I love you even more
than the butterscotch pond or the porno bush.
(thunder)
So, this is how you repay me, Adam!
And after I created my fingers to the bone for you!
I...
Ahh! My unicorn!
Oh, what have they done to you, Gary?
Oh, there, there.
I'm sure he's gone to a better place, Lord.
Oh, shut up!
You are so banished!
Hey, now, let's not do anything rash.
God is love, right?
(yells)
God, you have every right
to flip me out, too, but before you...
(yells)
Oh, my back!
So this must be that pain thing.
(yells)
Oh, yeah, definitely pain.
(howling)
This sucks.
Things were so much better back in the garden.
I'm sure God will let us return soon.
I mean, how long can he hold a grudge?
"...forever... and ever...
and ever and..."
...and that concludes Genesis,
the first of the 66 books of the Bible.
Moving on to Exodus...
(yawning)
♪ And Abraham begat Isaac ♪
♪ And Isaac begat Jacob ♪
♪ And who did he begat? ♪
All right, let's go, you wee Israelites.
Back to slaving.
(all groaning)
Man, captivity blows.
Talk to the whip.
(Bart grunts)
(horses neighing)
On your knees, you mugs. It's the Pharaoh!
(sighs)
Ah, excellent progress, slave-driver Willie.
Kudos on your whipping.
Oh, he noticed!
Oy! Suffering sarcophagus!
My tomb!
Who did this?
(snickering)
Come on, confess.
Don't make me slay all the firstborn males again.
(deep voice) Bart did it.
I saw him do it.
Take him away, boys.
No, the bush set me up!
As for the rest of you,
it's time for a little discipline.
Slave driver, put away the encouragement whip
and break out the cruel whip.
(all gasping)
(whips cracking)
Ha! That's the new omni-lash, boys.
Just look at that snapback.
Yeah, sweet.
We can't keep living like this.
Moses, ask Pharaoh to let your people go.
Oh, now they're my people.
Scrub harder, slave.
I want to be able to eat off that thing.
And make it snappy.
It's almost lunchtime.
LISA: Excuse me. Uh...
Pharaoh, I think Moses here has something to ask you.
Go.
Let-my-people-go.
Let your people go?
I've never heard such insolence.
You call yourselves slaves?
(grunts)
Well, the ball's in his court now.
All right, read me back what I have so far, Mrs. Krabapatra.
Bird, bird,
Giant eye, pyramid, bird.
Mm-hmm. Very good.
Uh, giant eye, dead fish, cat head, cat head, cat head...
Guy doing this...
(frogs croaking)
What the--
Keep that plague coming, Moses.
Frogs away!
(laughing)
We spent all our money, but it was worth it.
Now he's got to let us go.
Mmm, these are the juiciest frogs I've ever eaten.
Ra has rewarded my cruelty to the slaves.
It's a plague, you moron!
And we've got lots more planned.
And there's nothing you can do about it!
-(screaming) -So long, kids.
Give my regards to the British museum.
(laughing)
-Whoa! -Whoa!
(both grunting)
Do you think we could ever be more than just friends?
Not now, Moses.
We got to find a way out of here.
I know we built a secret passage
in here somewhere.
I found it!
We're out of here.
Uh-oh.
(both screaming)
Eh, slave labor. You get what you pay for.
Whee!
-(blows horn) -Huh?
Our time has come!
Follow me to freedom!
(horn blowing)
(distant horn blowing)
WIGGUM: Hey, Pharaoh,
those half-pint slaves are exodusing as we speak.
Well, I say good riddance to bad rubbish.
Okay. But who's going to build your pyramids?
Well, we-- (gasps) After them!
Oh, we'll never be able to swim that far.
(horses neighing)
Oy, carumba.
Screw this. I'm converting.
Save us, o mighty Ra!
Hey! Cut that out. I have an idea.
All right, Moses, lead your people.
Flush!
(roar of flushing)
It's a miracle! I performed a miracle!
I'm a genius!
Yeah, yeah. Hurry, everyone!
We don't have much time!
After them, men!
Into the temporarily-dry sea!
Ah, nuts.
(screaming)
Hey, chief, he splashed me.
Look, nobody likes a crybaby, okay?
You just splash him back.
(kids cheering)
Well, Lisa, we're out of Egypt.
So, what's next for the Israelites?
Land of milk and honey?
Hmm, well, actually, it looks like
we're in for 40 years of wandering the desert.
Forty years?
But after that, it's clear sailing for the Jews, right?
Uh... more or less. Hey, is that manna?
(kids cheering)
Now we come to King Solomon
whose wisdom was like a drill...
boring into the rock of injustice.
LOVEJOY: Boring... boring... boring...
(yawns)
King Solomon, these men need you
to settle a dispute.
They each claim ownership of this pie.
(sighs)
The pie shall be cut in two.
Then each man shall receive... death.
(sighs)
I'll eat the pie.
Okay, next up,
"Jesus Christ versus Checker Chariot."
Oh, Dad, you're sitting on my arm.
(grunting)
"And after David smote Goliath
the people crowded into the temple
where a cool breeze blew not.
And their hearts were filled with crankiness."
And...
I'm bored. Send in my jester.
Hey, hey! King David! How you doing?
Now, I'm not saying Jezebel's easy,
but before she moved to Sodom, it was known for its pottery!
(laughs)
What else you got?
Uh, wait a minute.
I got something on the Canaanites.
Uh... They are so stupid...
(gasping and groaning)
Methuselah, my oldest friend...
Who did this to you?
(groaning)
Oh... it was Goliath.
But Goliath is dead.
I smote him myself.
I smoted him good.
No! It was his son, Goliath Two.
No!
Goliath Two is gonna pay.
And this time, it's biblical.
(typewriter clacking)
I'll just give Goliath Two the old rock
to the head applause, applause,
you got to believe in yourself,
stay in school and we're out of here.
I don't know, Davey.
Quiet, you.
Oh, you've gotten pretty fat, Davey.
-(stomping) -(gasping)
Let's get it on.
See you later, Davey.
You killed my best friend.
CROWD: Ooh.
You killed my father, who was like a best friend.
CROWD: Ooh!
All I need is my trusty sling and one good, hard...
Um...
Say... how's tomorrow for you?
(grunting)
(screams)
What say you now, Goliath?
Without your precious hair,
you no longer possess your fantastic strength!
That's Samson, idiot.
Whoa!
(all gasp)
Let my proclamation go out across the land!
Ha-ha!
CROWD: Ha-ha!
(screaming)
Oh... I hope this doesn't get into the Bible.
You're King David.
I love you 'cause you kill people.
Get yourself another hero, kid.
I'm all washed up.
Well, I guess it's up to Ralph to stop Goliath.
(sheep bleating)
(Ralph humming)
Goliath Two is really gonna pay.
Get ready to meet the first action hero.
(sheep bleating)
♪ Winner takes it all ♪
♪ Till he breaks the fall ♪
♪ I'm trying to make it over the top... ♪
(grunts)
(teletype clacking)
BART: All right, it's giant slayin' time.
(gasps)
Oops.
(man grunts)
Crap.
Hmm...
How am I supposed to get up there?
(loud burp echoing)
Jonah!
Oh!
You died the way you lived...
Inside a whale.
(gasps)
Hmm...
(grunting)
I trampled four giant-slayers today.
I think I earned this.
Don't you know
smoking stunts your growth?
Well, well, well, if it isn't the little prince.
I'm not afraid of you, Goliath.
Before I was arrogant, but now, my heart is humble
and my spirit is...
Oh!
(whimpering)
What do you know? A king fit for a meal.
(whimpering)
Hope I don't give you... Heartburn!
(screams)
Great news, everyone. Goliath is dead!
Although I haven't seen his body,
the blast that failed to kill me surely killed the giant.
Anyhoo...
Now that I'm your king again...
(roaring)
(screaming)
Ralph, I thought you were dead.
Nope.
BART: Rejoice, good people!
Goliath the terrible shall rule no more!
But Goliath was the greatest king we ever had.
What?
He built roads, hospitals, libraries...
To us, he was Goliath the Consensus Builder.
You're under arrest for megacide.
Where's your messiah now?
(crowd laughing)
(exclaims)
(snoring)
Everyone's gone!
How embarrassing.
Ooh, we slept right through church.
Eh, it's not the end of the world.
(gasping)
(evil laughter)
Oh, no! It's the apocalypse!
Bart, are you wearing clean underwear?
Not anymore.
It's the rapture
and I never knew true love.
I never used those pizza coupons!
(choral music playing)
Why aren't we ascending into heaven?
(thunder rumbling)
Oh, right... The sins.
-(choral music playing) -(exclaims)
(choral music stops)
Where do you think you're going, missy?
Dad!
(all scream)
Whoo, I smell barbecue!
(giggling) Hey, look!
(Homer screaming in terror)
Oh, they're out of hot dogs!
And the cole slaw has pineapple in it!
(screaming)
German potato salad!
♪ I'm on the highway to hell ♪
♪ On the highway to hell ♪
♪ Highway to hell ♪
♪ I'm on the highway to hell ♪
♪ No stop signs ♪
♪ Speed limit ♪
♪ Nobody's gonna slow me down ♪
♪ Like a wheel, gonna spin it ♪
♪ Nobody's gonna mess me around ♪
♪ Hey Satan, paid my dues ♪
♪ Playing in a rocking band ♪
♪ Hey mama, look at me ♪
Shh.
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services