CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(theme music playing)
(school bell ringing)
(whistle blowing)
(beeping)
(playing the blues)
(tires screeching)
(clanging)
(honking horn)
D'oh!
-(screams) -(tires screeching)
Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me.
-Mmm. -Hey.
Ah, but Paris would make a très bon site
for the next Olympic Games.
And, uh, why is that?
We don't have to explain ourselves
to the likes of you.
I await your reply.
I recommend Moscow
where the American dollar buys seven rubles.
-(pager beeping) -12 rubles.
-(pager beeping) -60 rubles.
-(pager beeping) -1,000 rubles.
I must go!
-I suggest Motown. -Detroit?
No, no. Mongolia town, home of the Motown sound.
(singing loudly)
(clicking tongue)
You are all crazy. The answer is Buenos Aires.
-Hokkaido. -Budapest.
-Cleveland. -England.
-London. -Bangkok.
People! People, please. You're forgetting
what the Olympics are all about.
Giving out medals of beautiful gold,
so-so silver and shameful bronze.
(groaning and muttering)
I have here a letter
from a little girl named Lisa Simpson.
She says her town might not be important enough
to host the Olympics,
but she asks if the torch could just pass by
so she can experience the glow
that we feel every day.
Well, I say we don't bring her the torch.
I say we bring her the Olympic Games!
Who is with me?
Well, I don't care. It's my decision.
Springfield was shocked today
to learn it will host the next Olympics.
Economists predict our city will experience the same boom
that Sarajevo enjoyed after the 1984 games.
And it's all because of your letter, Lisa.
Well, actually, I just wrote it for a school assignment.
Everyone else wrote to the Backstreet Boys.
To honor the arrival of our foreign friends and enemies,
Channel Six is sponsoring a contest to find
a Springfield Olympic mascot.
The winner will join such other memorable mascots
as the Atlanta "Whatzit"
and the Montreal "Vampire."
A mascot contest?
I'm sure to win that...
unless one of you jinxes me.
No one's going to jinx you, Homer.
In fact, we're rooting for you.
Yeah! Go for the gold, Dad!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Well, you said I couldn't do it,
but here it is.
Meet Abby, the Olympic tabby.
BART: How did you get the eyes to move?
(meowing)
You papier-mâche'd my cat?
Just for the prototype, honey.
(meows, slurps)
-(hisses) -Huh?
Knowing you always hate my first idea,
I prepared a backup.
How about a big Olympic hello
for Springy, the Springfield spring?
BART: Those aren't the dog's eyes, are they?
Hey, that's cute.
Good work, Dad.
It's fun for the whole family
and the ends are razor-sharp
to protect our nation and its interests.
Ow!
God bless America!
Hit the road, Lefty!
You, too, Rizzo.
-(squeaking) -Oh, Cinnamon.
Don't make this harder than it already is.
(crowd cheering and whooping)
Bravo, Springfield.
I've never seen such a clean sewer.
And we are positively inspired by your solar power plant.
Yes, love that sun, man.
And we will do anything
including but not limited to anything
to make your stay here tolerable.
Yes, you'll be completely above the law.
Uh, women, guns, cash...
uh, whatever you need, it's yours.
(man whistles)
And that's not all.
We've just chosen our official Olympic mascot.
(crowd gasps and applauds)
-(whistles) -(indistinct chatter)
(gasping) They picked Springy!
In your face, Patty and Selma.
Well, we still love you, Ciggy.
SELMA: Yeah.
Mmm... That glue really gives it a pop.
And now, because the children are our future,
here are the children of Springfield Elementary
with a song they call "The Children Are Our Future."
Children?
(upbeat pop music playing)
CHORUS: ♪ Children ♪
♪ Children ♪
♪ Future ♪
♪ Are you ready for the ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Children! Whoa, whoa, whoa! ♪
♪ The future is a ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Coming! Hey, hey, hey! ♪
♪ Children ♪
♪ Future ♪
♪ Future... ♪
I've never wanted a beer worse in my life.
(gasps)
I love you, honey.
Are you talking to me or the beer?
To you my bubbly, long-necked, beechwood-aged lover.
CHORUS: ♪ Children, children ♪
♪ Children are the future ♪
♪ Kids! ♪
Bravo!
Magnifique!
(crowd cheering)
Muy bueno.
It gives me great pride to officially declare
the next Olympics will be held right here in--
Wait, wait. We have one more act.
The patriotic comedy stylings of Bart Simpson.
MAN: Oh, Bart.
Thank you, thank you.
So, uh, you're from Russia, huh?
Da!
-You drunk yet? -Da.
Poland, eh? Ha.
Too easy.
How you doing, Germany?
Here's my impression of an East German woman:
Kiss me, or I'll crush you.
(laughing)
He says what we're all thinking.
I'm not thinking that.
Hey, Swiss miss.
There no missing you, babe. (laughs)
-Lay off the cocoa. -(growls)
(kids laughing)
(speaking Swiss German)
(in English) Now, I'd like to say one last thing
to our Olympic representatives.
If there was a medal for horrible audiences,
you'd get the gold.
Peace out.
(microphone feedback)
(all gasp)
(growls)
(tires screeching)
Skinner!
How could you put this boy on with that horrible material?
Well, it really did seem funny in rehearsal.
And he didn't even get to his Ubangi routine.
(laughing)
Ha, ha, ha. Laugh it up, you punks,
'cause you and Jan Murray here
just cost our town the Olympics.
Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?
I... Oh, well, I was born in Queens,
went to Ball State,
then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania.
Uh, why do you ask?
Don't worry, sir.
I'll teach these children respect for their town.
I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of community service.
ALL: Oh.
Community service?
No, no!
"Intercourse"?
What if we refuse?
You won't pass to the next grade.
I fail to see the threat.
Skinner! Good idea.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm off to vacation at Lake Titicaca.
Let's see you make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.
All right, Martin, for your community service
you'll be setting up a midnight basketball program
for inner-city street gangs.
All right, gang, shirts and skins.
Let's hustle!
(gunshot)
(tires screeching)
Milhouse, do you like the beach?
Who doesn't?
SEYMOUR: Good.
I want you to pick up all this medical waste
that's washed up on the shore here.
Ow! I pricked myself.
Well, just keep working.
You'll prick yourself with the antidote
-sooner or later. -(sighs)
What are you going to do to me?
Bart, not all community service is gang warfare
and dangerous infection, and to illustrate that point,
here's where you'll be working.
The fireworks, candy and puppy dog store?
(puppies barking)
No, no, no. Next to it.
Settle a bet, boil or mole?
(groans)
OK, just breathe through your mouth
and don't ask how they're feeling.
(Muzak playing "Zippity Doo Dah")
(both groaning)
Oh, man.
(shrieks)
Whoa!
(grunts)
(teeth chattering)
(all talking together) Oh, aren't you beautiful.
-Let's pull his skin. -(yelps)
Look at that.
Oh, be a dear and snap my support hose to my girdle.
(shuddering)
(bell ringing) Two o'clock. Recreation time.
Phew. Saved by the bell. Whoa.
Where do you think you're going?
(gulps)
Oh, no, Lis. They got you, too?
Got me? What are you talking about?
I've been volunteering here for a year.
MAN: Hello, let's hear some numbers.
I got a nice diagonal going here.
B-3.
You sunk my battleship.
(laughing)
G-52.
You sunk my battleship.
(laughing)
Oh, I got a bingo! What do I win?
A banana!
A whole one?
Yep.
That's the prize? A banana?
Their natural mushiness prevents choking
and promotes regularity.
They're not babies, Lisa.
Give them something fun, like cigars or booze.
We tried giving them eggnog at Christmas
but it led to widespread de-shawling.
Well, that's what they get
for wearing such tight, little shawls.
-Oh! -(laughs)
OK, four o'clock, nap time.
(all snoring)
You tell them when to sleep?
Shh. Don't wake them.
(vacuum whirring)
While they sleep,
we suck up excess dirt and crumbs.
Here you go. Make sure you get into every crevice.
(snoring)
Cool!
Grampa... Homer.
Don't play with the faces.
(all munching)
So, Bart, how was your first day of forced volunteerism?
That place sucks.
The nurses don't let Grampa do anything.
They practically chew his food for him.
Lucky stiff.
I'm working my ass off here.
Good steak, honey.
The elderly aren't like you or me, Bart.
They thrive on consistency, predictability,
and a life with no surprises.
Sounds good to me.
(doorbell ringing)
I'll get it.
(chortling)
Delivery for Homer Simpson.
(grunting)
Mmm. Whoo-hoo!
My springs! They finally came!
But we lost the Olympics to Shelbyville.
Yeah, but I should have no problem
selling a thousand springs.
-To who? -Idiots.
Ooh, these are fun!
Oh, Rhett.
Rhett! Oh, Rhett, where will I go?
What'll I do?
Frankly, my dear, I love you.
Let's remarry.
(seniors applauding)
Oh, what a lovely ending.
That's sweet.
They cut out the best word!
Didn't that movie used to have a war in it?
Come on. Get up! You've been warned.
Picture yourself on a beautiful sailboat...
(tape playing ocean noises)
Ah, can't you just feel the sea breeze in your hair?
Or scalps?
Say, I hear a foghorn.
(imitating foghorn) Boooor-ing.
Come on, Bart, we don't want to overstimulate these people.
They just had pudding.
(ringing doorbell)
Hello, little girl. Is your mommy home?
You'll need to ask her for five dollars
to buy Mr. Bouncy Best-friend!
I know you.
Your little smart-mouthed boy cost this town the Olympics.
MRS.SKINNER: Yow!
SKINNER: Who is it, mother?
Bart Simpson's father.
Oh, I'll be right down.
(footsteps on stairs)
(grunting in pain)
(continues grunting)
HOMER: Boy, Lenny
You sure look hungry. Have some nuts.
Hey, thanks. Ow! My eye! Ow! Ow! Ow!
(laughing)
Now, if you want to be the life of the party like Lenny here,
just place your order
for this hilarious novelty item.
Homer, get out of here.
Boy, Moe, you sure look angry.
Here, have some nuts.
Hey, thanks.
Ow!
God, my eye!
-Get it out! Geez! -(Lenny moaning)
Ahh! Ow! Ow!
-Don't pull. Don't pull. -(straining)
I said don't pull. Don't.
Now we're pulling into port.
(gasps) And who's waiting for us at the dock?
Why, it's all your childhood dogs.
I see Petey and Blackie and Schnoodle and...
-Oh, no! Pirates! -Pirates?
Ahoy, mateys, it's me, Long Bart Silver
And I'm going to rip you a new IV hole.
(anxious gasps)
Bart, what are you doing?
I'm just trying to liven things up around here.
These people need to ride motorcycles
and play rockin' electric guitars
like the old people on TV.
Excuse me, but when those pirates boarded
I swallowed my wedding ring for safekeeping.
Get me some Ipecac.
I'd like to expunge it.
(groans)
OK, she's gone,
let's break out of here and have some fun.
Should we ask someone...
But if I get up, somebody'll take my chair.
Got that right.
It's the only one left with padding.
ALL (in hushed tones): Padding...
(groans)
What about you, Chief?
Don't you want to be free like the eagle?
Oh, I don't live here.
I'm just dropping off Indian casino pamphlets.
Vote yes on Prop 217.
-(grunts) -(glass shattering)
You know, the door was open, Chief Break-everything!
Come on, people!
You don't want to stay in a place
where they vacuum you while you sleep.
They do what now?
Now's our chance. Let's go!
(all chattering excitedly)
Oh, no. Bart has stolen the elderly.
-(glass shattering) -(exclaims)
Forgot my hat.
(song playing) ♪ Can't buy me love ♪
(impact grunt)
♪ Love ♪
(song playing) ♪ Can't buy me love ♪
♪ I'll buy you a diamond ring my friend ♪
♪ If it makes you feel all right ♪
(laughing)
♪ I'll get you anything my friend ♪
♪ If it makes you feel all right ♪
(both grunting)
♪ 'Cause I don't care too much for money ♪
♪ Money can't buy me love ♪
♪ I'll give you all I've got to give ♪
♪ If you say you love me, too ♪
♪ I may not have a lot to give, but what I got ♪
(grunt)
♪ I'll give to you ♪
Oy!
♪ I don't care too much for money ♪
Uh-oh!
♪ Money can't buy me love ♪
Ow! Today's grass is far sharper than the grass in my day.
BART: Hey, everybody
How'd you like to go on a real boat trip?
(upbeat chattering)
Hello!
Argh, not a looker among 'em.
Full speed ahead. Damn the torpedoes.
What'd he say? Put on our tuxedos?
I want some taquitos.
HOMER: Welcome to the kitchen
of tomorrow... today!
Marge, how much would you pay
for a self-flipping hamburger pan?
-Nothing. -Don't answer yet.
Watch how easy it is to flip hamburgers with the help
of God's greatest creation, the spring!
Now, watch this.
(screaming)
Are you OK?
Some second-degree burns,
but some first-class burgers.
(groans)
I want you to get rid of these springs.
But you haven't seen the baby of tomorrow.
Ta-da!
Now if I drop her, no more tears!
(humming "Sweet Georgia Brown")
Give me my baby.
"D" it up, Marge. I'm going to the hole.
(Marge straining)
MARGE: I want these springs out of our house today.
(toilet flushing)
♪ You flush one down it swirls around ♪
♪ 999 springs to flush down... ♪
You're not flushing those springs
down our toilet, are you?
-HOMER: Of course not. -(toilet flushing)
(Homer singing) ♪ 996 springs to flush down ♪
♪ 996 springs ♪
(resigned sigh)
('40s dance music playing)
Oh, Abe, you dance divinely.
I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree
since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor.
Aw, geez, this place used to be crawling with Russian subs.
Now, there's just four.
BART: Ah! Sea Hag!
Bart Simpson!
(pants) Bart, are you crazy?
You've got to get the old folks home
to the old folks' home.
No way.
They're finally having some fun.
How low can I go?
(bone cracking)
That's it.
Gee, Bart, maybe you're right.
-(beeping) -They don't even seem to care
that it's medication time.
Medication time? Hot dog!
Give me! Give me! Give me!
-I want some pills! -Blue ones!
(overlapping dialogs)
But I've set you free.
No more nap time, no more bingo.
You can do whatever you want.
Let's play bingo.
Yeah, let's play bingo.
You sunk my battleship.
(laughing)
No.
Now, Smithers,
You say you painted all your Navy buddies this way?
Until I was discharged, sir.
I don't get it, Grampa.
If you guys like all that boring stuff,
why did you follow me out here?
Got to do something till bingo.
(all gasping and screaming)
How could you miss that huge boat
coming right at us?
Oh, two glass eyes.
(clinking)
Oh, it's not fair.
I'm not supposed to die now.
I'm supposed to die in a foolish motorcycle stunt
at the age of 15.
Ha-ha! You're not dead yet,
you pudgy little pisher.
-Jack LaLanne! -Jack LaLanne!
Don't worry. I'll save you The Jack LaLanne Way.
Ah!
(all cheering)
(all shouting)
Uh-oh.
-This is all Bart's fault. -Let's get him.
-I blame him. -He killed us all.
I want some taquitos.
Leave him alone!
Sure, Bart's responsible for our deaths,
but he gave us the most fun we had in 20 years.
So, before we go to our watery graves,
I think that...
(gurgling sounds)
(all screaming)
(relieved sighing)
(screaming)
(sighing)
(screaming)
(sighing)
What the heck's going on?
HOMER'S VOICE (through pipe): ♪ 135 springs to flush down... ♪
♪ 135 springs ♪
Ah, what a shame. Not a looker in the bunch.
So, you working tomorrow at the home, Bart?
Well, I finished my community service.
Oh... right.
But I could swing by after school.
I'll bring the limbo stick.
Hot diggity!
(Grampa humming)
BART: Hey, stop shaking the harness.
GRAMPA: How low can I go?
(water splashing)
♪ Say you don't need no diamond ring ♪
♪ And I'll be satisfied ♪
♪ Tell me that you want those kind of things ♪
♪ That money just can't buy ♪
♪ I don't care too much for money ♪
♪ Money can't buy me love ♪
(high-pitched scream)
(strumming guitar)
♪ Can't buy me love ♪
♪ Love ♪
♪ Can't buy me love ♪
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services