(theme music playing)
CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(bell ringing)
(whistle blows)
(playing the blues)
(tires screeching)
(honking horn)
(tires screeching)
D'oh! (screams)
(elephant trumpeting)
ANNOUNCER: And welcome back now
to Cash In Your Legacy .
This week we're appraising antiques in Springfield.
This gentlemen's beer tap
dates back to the turn of the century,
and remarkably seems to never have been washed.
Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to wash that,
but, huh, it's been such a century.
At auction, I'd expect this to bring $20,000 to $30,000,
except that on the handle, somebody's carved "Homer rocks."
And I do! Whoo!
Appraised value, $15.
I-I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna kill him!
(grunts) Aw, geez.
I don't know how you can all just lay around the house
on a nice day like this.
When was the last time we went for a good, old-fashioned family walk?
Oh, we stopped those when the kids said
I was too fat to carry.
Oh, come on, let's go for a walk.
This family's getting so lazy.
I'm not lazy.
I'm just, um, uh...
Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
Why don't you finish your own darn...
-(snoring) -(thud)
Fine! If we're not going for a walk,
we'll just talk about our day.
I wrote another poem about a duck.
Can't we go home yet? My feet hurt!
All this fresh air is making my hair move,
and I don't know how much longer I can complain.
(tires screeching)
Get a horse!
Could we, Marge? Could we get a horse?
We're walking, Homer.
(groans) There's some dogs.
We could all ride dogs.
Forget it! Nobody's riding any.
Hi-yo, Silver. Away!
-(dog whimpers) -(thud)
Oh, look! There's the store where I buy my yarn.
But you don't want to buy your buttons there.
Phew! Well, I dodged a bullet.
Now, there's the place you want to buy your buttons.
And that's where the bookmobile lady used to live.
If you love me, you'll kill me.
Hey, Mom. Look.
MARGE: Oh! looks like something exciting's happening.
Well, we'll have to read about it in tomorrow's paper.
Why can't we see it now?
Well, it's not really on our walking route.
(grunts)
Where'd you get that champagne?
Clown.
Thanks, noodles.
All this commotion just for a store?
Hey, it's not just a store. It's a megastore.
"Mega" means "good" and "store" means "thing."
(gasping)
Wow, what a high-tech wonderland.
Oops, got an itch.
-Itch. -Ew!
Whoa, this place has everything.
Even a shoplifting department.
What convenience.
I'm doing all my thieving here.
This is so much nicer than the Kwik-E-Mart.
-Oh? -(baby cooing)
I'm sorry, but... it really is.
Yes, I know, but still.
(baby cooing)
Hey, Dad. Give me 50 bucks. I gotta buy some things.
-Uh, better make it 100. -Yeah, me, too.
Homer, don't you think you're spoiling... (chuckles)
(blowing raspberry) New music?
Man, all these bands are just ripping off Judas Priest.
("Living After Midnight" playing on headphones)
Oh, I hear this really sucks.
Hmm, "director's commentary."
I'm sorry. I am really sorry.
Ach, uh, I don't know what I was thinking.
But, uh, Field of Dreams was good, wasn't it?
Made us all believe again.
Oh, poor Mr. Costner. He tries so hard.
Aw, thanks. You're sweet to say that.
Uh... where are you?
I'm back here.
Hi, will you bring me a sandwich... please?
No-no crust.
(all screaming, crying)
Cool!
-(tires screeching) -(horn honking)
-Step lively, Smithers. -(horn honking)
That orphanage won't demolish itself.
-(horn honking) -Sir, although...
I do enjoy your loud, excessive honking,
it doesn't seem to be moving the crowd.
Deploy the cow-catcher.
-(grunting, moaning) -(thud)
(tires screeching)
Whoosh! Once again, my underwear
has become tangled in a cow-catcher.
Ooh, d'oh, tarnation!
I've got to see what the excitement's about.
Make way!
Doctor coming through.
(groaning)
-Excuse me. -(shrieks)
-I'm sorry. -(shrieks)
Pardon me, good sir.
Well, hi-diddly-- (screams)
That's a good lad.
(groaning)
Books and cocoa in the same store?
What's next, a talking banana?
-Huh? -Uh, I don't see one, sir.
No, of course not.
The very notion of a talking banana is absurd.
Still...
(fanfare playing)
(crowd exclaiming)
Attention, good shoppers of Springfield.
Someone very special has just entered the store.
The world's most popular billionaire--
Oh, please. All this fuss for little old me.
Please welcome the owner of Fortune Megastores,
Arthur Fortune.
What?
Hello, Springfield!
Hello, Arthur!
You know, I've done a lot of exciting things in my life.
I went down Mount Everest on a boogie board...
Oh! Ooh!
Climbed Niagara Falls...
Oh! Wow!
And just last month, I knocked out Muhammad Ali.
(doorbell ringing)
(blow landing)
How awful.
But this is the biggest thrill ever,
the opening of my 112th store.
(cheering)
Now, I'm afraid, I've got some bad news
from my accountant today.
It seems I have too much money.
Who wants a dollar?
I do! I do!
I do!
Hah, right! What's your name, young man?
I don't know. Just give me the dollar.
Well, I hope this starts you on your way to a great fortune.
Now, who wants the second dollar?
-I do. -Uh, well, all right. Here.
-Now. -I do.
Oh, the heck with it.
Dollars for everyone.
(cheering, clamoring)
Fortune! Fortune! Fortune...
That man's totally insane.
Uh, well, this goes right into the old poor box.
Not so fast, old chum.
(screaming)
(thud)
♪ We love Arthur Fortune ♪
♪ He gave us a dollar, whoo ♪
♪ We love Arthur Fortune... ♪
Uh, that flamboyant fop!
He's got them eating out of his hand.
You have to admit, he is charismatic, sir.
Oh, bosh! Anyone can lead a conga line.
Hop to it, Smithers.
♪ Conga, conga, conga ♪
♪ We love Monty Burns more ♪
♪ Conga like you mean it ♪
♪ Please don't make me Shock you ♪
Springfield is still swooning from the whirlwind visit
of playful plutocrat Arthur Fortune.
Uh, the man has no idea
how to behave like a billionaire.
Where's the dignity?
Where's the contempt for the common man?
This new breed of fun-loving billionaire
is a welcome change
from the classic, joyless miser
brooding in his cavernous mansion...
-BURNS: Bah! -(bah echoing)
...grasping a glass of brandy
with his thin, claw-like fingers,
and the superior smirk on his greedy, soulless face.
(sighs)
I thought I had everything.
Money, good looks, strong, sharp teeth.
(sighs)
But what's it all worth when nobody likes you?
I like you, sir.
Are you still here?
HOMER: Easy.
Easy.
(exclaims excitedly)
Whoo-hoo! Look at me, I can juggle.
-Mmm, Simpson! -(grunts)
(explosion)
I need your help.
I want to be loved.
I see.
Well, I'll need some beer.
I want you to look at me
the way I saw you look at Arthur Fortune.
Oh, Arthur Fortune. (wistful sigh)
Yes. That's the look I'm looking for.
What would make you and your slovenly kind look at me that way?
Well, you don't have to call me "slovenly."
Yes, exactly.
That's the kind of pointer I need.
Tell me more, fatty.
-Hmm. -Though, this is a great idea, Simpson.
Free silver dollars!
Compliments of C. Montgomery Burns!
-(coins clinking) -(screaming)
(yells) Take it out! Take it out!
No! Ooh! Put it back! Put it back!
That was a close one.
Want to go bowling?
Maybe you should see a doctor about that coin in your brain.
Maybe you should mind your own business.
Afternoon, miss.
(horrified gasp)
I can't believe it.
I'm still not among the hundred most popular billionaires.
I'm behind Adam Sandler, for God's sake.
Well, how about donating money to charity?
Lots of crazy old coots do that.
A charitable donation, eh?
Well, there's a first time for everything.
Um, there.
Take this check for $200,000
to the Springfield Hospital.
Can do.
(grunts)
Now there's nothing to do
but sit back and wait
for the kudos to roll in.
(crickets chirping)
(coughing, gagging)
Where are my kudos?
Mm, no.
We don't have any record
of you giving the hospital any money, Mr. Burns.
(gasps) Oh, but we did get
a very generous donation
from a Mr. Homer Simpson.
What?
(grunting)
It's not fair. It's not fair.
(muttering)
(groaning) Morphine, please.
HOMER: Wait a minute.
Because I brought the check,
they named a wing after me?
(laughing)
Oh, you must be mad.
Well, I will be when the morphine wears off.
But until then...
♪ Teedily, deedily, dee-dee ♪
♪ Teedily, dee-dee-dee ooh... ♪
Gee, I feel bad.
If people knew the real Monty Burns,
and not the silver-dollar-throwing
morphine addict you've become, they might like you.
Yeah, if you want to change your image,
you've got to get your face out there.
Go on the radio.
That's it. The radio.
I'll go on the most popular program of the day.
I assume that's still Don McNeill and his Breakfast Club.
Oh, get with the times, man.
It's Jerry Rude and the Bathroom Bunch .
Oh, I don't think Mr. Burns would like that show.
What's the matter? Think I'm not hip?
I don't have enough vo-dee-oh-doh?
Thank you, knick-knack and paddy-whack, the Siamese midgets.
We'll be sure to catch your new series on FOX.
Good luck, Mr. Burns.
And if you get in trouble, I wrote some jokes
about how white people are different from black people.
Hmm.
How're you doing, Mr. Burns?
Jerry Rude, welcome to the show.
(titters) I am pleased to--
All right. Let's get this geezer out quick
so we can bring in the lesbian gladiators.
You see, white people have names like "Lenny,"
whereas black people have names like "Carl."
(laughing)
Zoom.
Now, Mr. Rude,
I just want you to know I'm a good sport.
If you want to make fun of my legendary love of cashews,
(chuckles) you have at it.
Uh-huh. All right.
Uh, how many times a day do you go to the can?
Oh, about 40, I suppose.
When are we going on the air?
We're on the air now, skeletor.
-What? -Question two.
how long is your wiener, seriously?
Great heavens!
What kind of Radiola show is this?
All right. How about this? When was your first gay experience?
Oh, well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic.
That was a gay old time.
Ho-ho, I ate my share of wieners that day.
Oh, that sounds lovely.
(coughing) Queer. Queer.
Um, ever murder anybody?
Murder?
Well, mistakes have been made.
Monty, I've heard you're a pretty flatulent guy.
Any comment on that?
-No, no. See here. -(farting)
Stop that. Attention wireless listeners.
Most of the sounds you are now hearing
are not being made by me.
-Do stop. Stop it. -(farting sounds)
Will someone please stop the farting!
D'oh! Oh! Oh!
Don't worry, folks. He's not dead.
I still hear some faint sounds of life.
(farting sounds)
That didn't go well, did it?
Good thing those lesbians knew CPR.
Oh, what's the use?
I'll never be a popular, beloved billionaire
like Arthur Fortune.
Oh, Arthur Fortune.
(sighs)
You know what that fabulous man just did?
He gave the Springfield Zoo two male pandas,
and got them to mate successfully.
And a stunt like that impresses people?
Oh, yeah, and I'm not easily impressed.
Wow! A blue car!
If a couple of Chinese bamboo gobblers
can win people's hearts,
I'm going to bring them something
that man has searched for
since the dawn of time.
-A sober Irishman? -Even rarer.
HOMER: Whoo! That was one long helicopter ride.
Do you really think you can capture the Loch Ness monster?
I mean, he's eluded
Leonard Nimoy and Peter Graves.
(scoffs)
Peter Graves couldn't find ugly
at a Radcliffe mixer.
(clears throat) Let's see now,
we have the monsterometer,
flipper-finder,
hoaxiscope, which is important
for the looking and finding.
Ach, the whole town's turned out.
I've never seen them so excited.
Hey, Willie. That old couple looks just like you.
Aye, 'tis my Ma and Pa.
They own a tavern hereabouts.
They still have the same pool table
on which I was conceived, born and educated.
-So you're back, son? -Aye.
I suppose you'll be leaving soon.
Aye.
(grunting) Good. Good. One more.
-(grunts) -Where's my monster, tubby?
What do you people think I'm paying you for?
Uh, to work in your power plant?
You're not paying me anything.
You kidnapped me. I remember it distinctly
with the grabbing and the duct taping
and the tennis ball in the mouth.
It hurt me.
The beast looks something like this,
only without the saucy T-shirt.
-Check. -OK.
(whistling)
(water bubbling)
He's been down in that icy water for hours.
How can the lad survive such brutal punishment?
-(dog barks) -(call bell rings)
(grunts) Tilt, you monster!
(beeping)
Oh, my great, good God.
Gentlemen, your attention, please.
I am detecting a gigantic amphibious life-form.
It's 80 meters long and it's heading this way.
Oh, good glayvin! It's on my shoe!
(beeping continues)
It's a... a small frog.
Just get off. Just get off there.
Get out. Get out!
Stupid machine. Oh, wait a minute.
This isn't the monsterometer. It's the frog-exaggerator.
Oh, my!
We're the laughingstock of the town.
Don't worry, Mr. Burns.
We're going to find that monster
no matter how long it takes.
Besides, I'm getting kind of used to wearing a kilt.
(chuckles) Can you believe, I'm a size four? Whoo!
-Ach! -Aye.
D'oh, it's pointless hunting for an animal
that has 24 miles of water to hide in.
Drain the lake.
-What? -You heard me.
Deploy the delochinator.
(grunting, groaning)
(muttering)
(church bell rings)
We've lost our homes and everything we hold dear.
Aye.
I see it! I see the monster!
(snorting)
Nay, 'tis merely
a Loch Ness High School's discarded homecoming float.
-No way! Aberdeen rules! -(explosion, crashing)
(all screaming)
-(roaring) -(all screaming)
My God, it's him!
Come on, boys. Overpower it.
(whistling)
Fine. I'll do it myself.
(snorting)
That was amazing, Mr. Burns.
I was a little worried when he swallowed me,
but, well, you know the rest.
(sighs)
And now for my triumphant return
to Springfield.
Monster fever has gripped Springfield by the throat,
and it's all thanks to one man.
Montgomery Burns has captured not only a legendary monster,
but also our hearts.
And by the way, girls, he's single.
Single?
Well, he passes the Selma test.
(crowd cheering)
Thank you. Thank you, everyone.
And now, presenting the ninth wonder of the world,
the eighth being Gomer Pyle's heavenly singing voice,
I give you the Loch Ness monster!
(cheering)
-Thank you. You're too kind. -Monty! Monty!
-Yes, that's it. Let it all out. -Monty! Monty!
Clutch me to your common bosom.
Hey, look. He's getting up!
No, no. Stop it. Stop it. You'll enrage the beast!
(cooing)
No more pictures.
You're driving him mad.
(groaning)
Stop it. You're blinding me!
(groaning) Oh! I can't see.
(grunting) Run!
Run!
Mr. Burns will kill us all!
-Wait. Don't go. -(thud)
Love me!
Well, if you wanted people to love you,
you sure blew it with that insane rampage.
-(sighs) -But you know what?
To be loved, you have to be nice to people,
every day!
But to be hated, you don't have to do squat.
You know, perhaps, you're right.
I got so swept up with the notion of being liked,
I completely forgot who I am.
I am a selfish old crank,
and that fits me like a Speedo.
(cooing)
So what do we do with our friend here?
Throw him in the dumpster?
No, no, no.
I really want to give the lovable scamp a good home.
-D'oh! -Tough luck, Simpson.
Come on, Nessie, one more pull.
(shrieking)
OK. OK.
You want a shrimp cocktail?
-(grunts) -Yeah, they're not great.
(theme music played on bagpipes)
(theme music playing)
Shh!
LISA: Ooh, I hear this really sucks.
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services