1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,003 (theme music playing) 2 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:06,339 CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 3 00:00:16,933 --> 00:00:18,601 (bell ringing) 4 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,150 (whistle blows) 5 00:00:36,077 --> 00:00:37,704 (playing the blues) 6 00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:47,589 (tires screeching) 7 00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:56,598 (tires screeching) 8 00:00:58,892 --> 00:00:59,934 (honking horn) 9 00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:01,936 (tires screeching) 10 00:01:04,355 --> 00:01:06,107 D'oh! (screams) 11 00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:22,373 (elephant trumpeting) 12 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,350 ANNOUNCER: And welcome back now 13 00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:41,935 to Cash In Your Legacy . 14 00:01:42,018 --> 00:01:45,355 This week we're appraising antiques in Springfield. 15 00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:46,940 {\an8}This gentlemen's beer tap 16 00:01:47,023 --> 00:01:48,733 {\an8}dates back to the turn of the century, 17 00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:51,528 {\an8}and remarkably seems to never have been washed. 18 00:01:51,611 --> 00:01:53,613 {\an8}Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to wash that, 19 00:01:53,696 --> 00:01:55,657 {\an8}but, huh, it's been such a century. 20 00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:59,285 {\an8}At auction, I'd expect this to bring $20,000 to $30,000, 21 00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:02,455 {\an8}except that on the handle, somebody's carved "Homer rocks." 22 00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:04,457 {\an8}And I do! Whoo! 23 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,751 {\an8}Appraised value, $15. 24 00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:09,337 {\an8}I-I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna kill him! 25 00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:11,047 (grunts) Aw, geez. 26 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:14,425 {\an8}I don't know how you can all just lay around the house 27 00:02:14,509 --> 00:02:15,969 {\an8}on a nice day like this. 28 00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:20,014 {\an8}When was the last time we went for a good, old-fashioned family walk? 29 00:02:20,348 --> 00:02:21,975 {\an8}Oh, we stopped those when the kids said 30 00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:23,726 {\an8}I was too fat to carry. 31 00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:26,312 {\an8}Oh, come on, let's go for a walk. 32 00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:28,898 {\an8}This family's getting so lazy. 33 00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:30,316 {\an8}I'm not lazy. 34 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,236 {\an8}I'm just, um, uh... 35 00:02:33,778 --> 00:02:35,697 {\an8}Lisa, finish my sentence for me. 36 00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:38,283 {\an8}Why don't you finish your own darn... 37 00:02:38,366 --> 00:02:40,201 {\an8}-(snoring) -(thud) 38 00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:42,120 {\an8}Fine! If we're not going for a walk, 39 00:02:42,203 --> 00:02:44,080 {\an8}we'll just talk about our day. 40 00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:46,457 {\an8}I wrote another poem about a duck. 41 00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:51,004 {\an8}Can't we go home yet? My feet hurt! 42 00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:53,798 {\an8}All this fresh air is making my hair move, 43 00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:56,551 {\an8}and I don't know how much longer I can complain. 44 00:02:56,634 --> 00:02:57,760 {\an8}(tires screeching) 45 00:02:57,844 --> 00:02:59,012 {\an8}Get a horse! 46 00:02:59,762 --> 00:03:01,472 {\an8}Could we, Marge? Could we get a horse? 47 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:02,765 {\an8}We're walking, Homer. 48 00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:04,350 {\an8}(groans) There's some dogs. 49 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:05,602 {\an8}We could all ride dogs. 50 00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:07,228 Forget it! Nobody's riding any. 51 00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:09,480 Hi-yo, Silver. Away! 52 00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,065 -(dog whimpers) -(thud) 53 00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:16,404 {\an8}Oh, look! There's the store where I buy my yarn. 54 00:03:16,946 --> 00:03:19,574 But you don't want to buy your buttons there. 55 00:03:19,657 --> 00:03:21,326 Phew! Well, I dodged a bullet. 56 00:03:21,409 --> 00:03:24,287 Now, there's the place you want to buy your buttons. 57 00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:27,415 And that's where the bookmobile lady used to live. 58 00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:29,834 {\an8}If you love me, you'll kill me. 59 00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:31,211 Hey, Mom. Look. 60 00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:34,255 MARGE: Oh! looks like something exciting's happening. 61 00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:37,425 Well, we'll have to read about it in tomorrow's paper. 62 00:03:37,508 --> 00:03:39,135 {\an8}Why can't we see it now? 63 00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:42,805 Well, it's not really on our walking route. 64 00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:45,600 (grunts) 65 00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:49,854 Where'd you get that champagne? 66 00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:50,980 Clown. 67 00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:53,691 Thanks, noodles. 68 00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:56,611 All this commotion just for a store? 69 00:03:56,694 --> 00:03:59,948 Hey, it's not just a store. It's a megastore. 70 00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:02,450 "Mega" means "good" and "store" means "thing." 71 00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:05,370 (gasping) 72 00:04:13,127 --> 00:04:15,505 Wow, what a high-tech wonderland. 73 00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:16,631 Oops, got an itch. 74 00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:20,510 -Itch. -Ew! 75 00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:22,762 Whoa, this place has everything. 76 00:04:22,845 --> 00:04:24,681 Even a shoplifting department. 77 00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:26,349 {\an8}What convenience. 78 00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:28,434 {\an8}I'm doing all my thieving here. 79 00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:32,021 This is so much nicer than the Kwik-E-Mart. 80 00:04:32,855 --> 00:04:34,524 -Oh? -(baby cooing) 81 00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:37,777 I'm sorry, but... it really is. 82 00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:40,196 Yes, I know, but still. 83 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,614 (baby cooing) 84 00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:45,660 {\an8}Hey, Dad. Give me 50 bucks. I gotta buy some things. 85 00:04:45,743 --> 00:04:47,829 {\an8}-Uh, better make it 100. -Yeah, me, too. 86 00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:51,291 Homer, don't you think you're spoiling... (chuckles) 87 00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:55,837 (blowing raspberry) New music? 88 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:59,257 Man, all these bands are just ripping off Judas Priest. 89 00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:00,883 ("Living After Midnight" playing on headphones) 90 00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:04,971 Oh, I hear this really sucks. 91 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:07,682 Hmm, "director's commentary." 92 00:05:07,765 --> 00:05:09,892 I'm sorry. I am really sorry. 93 00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:12,270 Ach, uh, I don't know what I was thinking. 94 00:05:12,353 --> 00:05:14,605 But, uh, Field of Dreams was good, wasn't it? 95 00:05:14,689 --> 00:05:16,441 Made us all believe again. 96 00:05:16,524 --> 00:05:20,028 Oh, poor Mr. Costner. He tries so hard. 97 00:05:20,111 --> 00:05:22,030 Aw, thanks. You're sweet to say that. 98 00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:25,116 Uh... where are you? 99 00:05:25,199 --> 00:05:26,242 I'm back here. 100 00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:28,995 Hi, will you bring me a sandwich... please? 101 00:05:29,078 --> 00:05:30,204 No-no crust. 102 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:42,091 (all screaming, crying) 103 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,217 Cool! 104 00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:46,471 -(tires screeching) -(horn honking) 105 00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:47,805 -Step lively, Smithers. -(horn honking) 106 00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:49,891 That orphanage won't demolish itself. 107 00:05:49,974 --> 00:05:51,851 -(horn honking) -Sir, although... 108 00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:53,936 I do enjoy your loud, excessive honking, 109 00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,314 it doesn't seem to be moving the crowd. 110 00:05:56,397 --> 00:05:58,441 Deploy the cow-catcher. 111 00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:04,322 -(grunting, moaning) -(thud) 112 00:06:04,405 --> 00:06:05,490 (tires screeching) 113 00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:07,325 Whoosh! Once again, my underwear 114 00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:09,202 has become tangled in a cow-catcher. 115 00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:11,037 Ooh, d'oh, tarnation! 116 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,164 I've got to see what the excitement's about. 117 00:06:13,247 --> 00:06:14,290 Make way! 118 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:15,416 Doctor coming through. 119 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:16,501 (groaning) 120 00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:18,086 -Excuse me. -(shrieks) 121 00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:19,253 -I'm sorry. -(shrieks) 122 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:20,338 Pardon me, good sir. 123 00:06:20,421 --> 00:06:22,215 Well, hi-diddly-- (screams) 124 00:06:22,298 --> 00:06:23,424 That's a good lad. 125 00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:25,802 (groaning) 126 00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:28,346 Books and cocoa in the same store? 127 00:06:28,429 --> 00:06:30,264 What's next, a talking banana? 128 00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:33,601 -Huh? -Uh, I don't see one, sir. 129 00:06:33,684 --> 00:06:35,144 No, of course not. 130 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,897 The very notion of a talking banana is absurd. 131 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,108 Still... 132 00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:42,402 (fanfare playing) 133 00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:44,821 (crowd exclaiming) 134 00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,991 Attention, good shoppers of Springfield. 135 00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:52,745 Someone very special has just entered the store. 136 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:54,789 The world's most popular billionaire-- 137 00:06:54,872 --> 00:06:58,918 Oh, please. All this fuss for little old me. 138 00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:02,505 Please welcome the owner of Fortune Megastores, 139 00:07:02,588 --> 00:07:03,881 Arthur Fortune. 140 00:07:03,965 --> 00:07:05,007 What? 141 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:11,472 Hello, Springfield! 142 00:07:11,556 --> 00:07:13,808 Hello, Arthur! 143 00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:16,644 You know, I've done a lot of exciting things in my life. 144 00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:19,230 I went down Mount Everest on a boogie board... 145 00:07:19,313 --> 00:07:20,565 Oh! Ooh! 146 00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:21,941 Climbed Niagara Falls... 147 00:07:22,024 --> 00:07:23,526 Oh! Wow! 148 00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:27,238 And just last month, I knocked out Muhammad Ali. 149 00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:28,364 (doorbell ringing) 150 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:30,366 (blow landing) 151 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,701 How awful. 152 00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:33,453 But this is the biggest thrill ever, 153 00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:36,706 the opening of my 112th store. 154 00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:38,708 (cheering) 155 00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:40,751 Now, I'm afraid, I've got some bad news 156 00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:42,086 from my accountant today. 157 00:07:42,170 --> 00:07:45,298 It seems I have too much money. 158 00:07:45,673 --> 00:07:47,467 Who wants a dollar? 159 00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:49,010 I do! I do! 160 00:07:49,093 --> 00:07:50,428 I do! 161 00:07:50,511 --> 00:07:52,722 Hah, right! What's your name, young man? 162 00:07:52,805 --> 00:07:54,557 I don't know. Just give me the dollar. 163 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:58,102 Well, I hope this starts you on your way to a great fortune. 164 00:07:58,186 --> 00:07:59,896 Now, who wants the second dollar? 165 00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:02,356 -I do. -Uh, well, all right. Here. 166 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:03,483 -Now. -I do. 167 00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:04,775 Oh, the heck with it. 168 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:07,778 Dollars for everyone. 169 00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:11,407 (cheering, clamoring) 170 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,702 Fortune! Fortune! Fortune... 171 00:08:14,785 --> 00:08:16,537 That man's totally insane. 172 00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:19,957 Uh, well, this goes right into the old poor box. 173 00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:21,584 Not so fast, old chum. 174 00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:22,710 (screaming) 175 00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:24,670 (thud) 176 00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:26,631 ♪ We love Arthur Fortune ♪ 177 00:08:26,714 --> 00:08:28,466 ♪ He gave us a dollar, whoo ♪ 178 00:08:28,549 --> 00:08:29,717 ♪ We love Arthur Fortune... ♪ 179 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,677 Uh, that flamboyant fop! 180 00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:33,137 He's got them eating out of his hand. 181 00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,931 You have to admit, he is charismatic, sir. 182 00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:37,475 Oh, bosh! Anyone can lead a conga line. 183 00:08:37,558 --> 00:08:38,851 Hop to it, Smithers. 184 00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,728 ♪ Conga, conga, conga ♪ 185 00:08:40,811 --> 00:08:42,438 ♪ We love Monty Burns more ♪ 186 00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:44,106 ♪ Conga like you mean it ♪ 187 00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:45,900 ♪ Please don't make me Shock you ♪ 188 00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:50,863 Springfield is still swooning from the whirlwind visit 189 00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,449 of playful plutocrat Arthur Fortune. 190 00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:55,952 Uh, the man has no idea 191 00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:57,662 how to behave like a billionaire. 192 00:08:57,745 --> 00:08:58,871 Where's the dignity? 193 00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:01,207 Where's the contempt for the common man? 194 00:09:01,582 --> 00:09:03,960 This new breed of fun-loving billionaire 195 00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:05,253 is a welcome change 196 00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:07,630 from the classic, joyless miser 197 00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:09,757 brooding in his cavernous mansion... 198 00:09:10,132 --> 00:09:13,052 -BURNS: Bah! -(bah echoing) 199 00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:15,179 ...grasping a glass of brandy 200 00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:17,515 with his thin, claw-like fingers, 201 00:09:17,598 --> 00:09:21,602 and the superior smirk on his greedy, soulless face. 202 00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:22,979 (sighs) 203 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:24,981 {\an8}I thought I had everything. 204 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:28,985 {\an8}Money, good looks, strong, sharp teeth. 205 00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:31,112 (sighs) 206 00:09:31,195 --> 00:09:33,406 But what's it all worth when nobody likes you? 207 00:09:33,489 --> 00:09:35,116 I like you, sir. 208 00:09:35,199 --> 00:09:36,450 Are you still here? 209 00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:40,913 HOMER: Easy. 210 00:09:41,872 --> 00:09:43,624 Easy. 211 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,168 (exclaims excitedly) 212 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,504 Whoo-hoo! Look at me, I can juggle. 213 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,172 -Mmm, Simpson! -(grunts) 214 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,299 (explosion) 215 00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:52,550 I need your help. 216 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,719 I want to be loved. 217 00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,220 I see. 218 00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,931 Well, I'll need some beer. 219 00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:00,683 I want you to look at me 220 00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:03,436 the way I saw you look at Arthur Fortune. 221 00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:07,648 Oh, Arthur Fortune. (wistful sigh) 222 00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:10,026 Yes. That's the look I'm looking for. 223 00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:13,821 What would make you and your slovenly kind look at me that way? 224 00:10:13,904 --> 00:10:15,656 Well, you don't have to call me "slovenly." 225 00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:16,699 Yes, exactly. 226 00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:18,743 That's the kind of pointer I need. 227 00:10:18,826 --> 00:10:20,161 Tell me more, fatty. 228 00:10:20,578 --> 00:10:23,664 -Hmm. -Though, this is a great idea, Simpson. 229 00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:25,082 Free silver dollars! 230 00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:28,002 Compliments of C. Montgomery Burns! 231 00:10:28,544 --> 00:10:33,382 -(coins clinking) -(screaming) 232 00:10:34,216 --> 00:10:37,136 (yells) Take it out! Take it out! 233 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,222 No! Ooh! Put it back! Put it back! 234 00:10:40,931 --> 00:10:42,475 That was a close one. 235 00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:44,185 Want to go bowling? 236 00:10:44,268 --> 00:10:46,896 Maybe you should see a doctor about that coin in your brain. 237 00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:48,814 Maybe you should mind your own business. 238 00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:49,940 Afternoon, miss. 239 00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:51,067 (horrified gasp) 240 00:10:53,402 --> 00:10:54,737 I can't believe it. 241 00:10:55,112 --> 00:10:58,282 {\an8}I'm still not among the hundred most popular billionaires. 242 00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:01,160 {\an8}I'm behind Adam Sandler, for God's sake. 243 00:11:01,243 --> 00:11:03,496 Well, how about donating money to charity? 244 00:11:03,579 --> 00:11:05,623 Lots of crazy old coots do that. 245 00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:08,292 A charitable donation, eh? 246 00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:10,628 Well, there's a first time for everything. 247 00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:13,255 Um, there. 248 00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:15,424 Take this check for $200,000 249 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,718 to the Springfield Hospital. 250 00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:18,844 Can do. 251 00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:24,517 (grunts) 252 00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:26,686 Now there's nothing to do 253 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,729 but sit back and wait 254 00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:30,606 for the kudos to roll in. 255 00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:37,780 (crickets chirping) 256 00:11:38,739 --> 00:11:41,701 (coughing, gagging) 257 00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:45,871 Where are my kudos? 258 00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:47,289 Mm, no. 259 00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:48,332 We don't have any record 260 00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,543 of you giving the hospital any money, Mr. Burns. 261 00:11:50,626 --> 00:11:51,752 (gasps) Oh, but we did get 262 00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:53,045 a very generous donation 263 00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:55,172 from a Mr. Homer Simpson. 264 00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:56,298 What? 265 00:11:58,134 --> 00:12:01,470 {\an8}(grunting) 266 00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,764 {\an8}It's not fair. It's not fair. 267 00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:05,433 {\an8}(muttering) 268 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,560 (groaning) Morphine, please. 269 00:12:07,935 --> 00:12:08,978 HOMER: Wait a minute. 270 00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:10,604 Because I brought the check, 271 00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:12,815 they named a wing after me? 272 00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:16,736 (laughing) 273 00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:18,654 Oh, you must be mad. 274 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:21,115 Well, I will be when the morphine wears off. 275 00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:22,324 But until then... 276 00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:23,701 ♪ Teedily, deedily, dee-dee ♪ 277 00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:25,286 ♪ Teedily, dee-dee-dee ooh... ♪ 278 00:12:25,369 --> 00:12:26,662 Gee, I feel bad. 279 00:12:27,204 --> 00:12:28,873 If people knew the real Monty Burns, 280 00:12:28,956 --> 00:12:30,541 and not the silver-dollar-throwing 281 00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:33,461 morphine addict you've become, they might like you. 282 00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:35,087 {\an8}Yeah, if you want to change your image, 283 00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:36,922 {\an8}you've got to get your face out there. 284 00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:40,009 Go on the radio. 285 00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:41,802 That's it. The radio. 286 00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:44,513 I'll go on the most popular program of the day. 287 00:12:44,972 --> 00:12:47,933 I assume that's still Don McNeill and his Breakfast Club. 288 00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,727 Oh, get with the times, man. 289 00:12:49,810 --> 00:12:52,188 It's Jerry Rude and the Bathroom Bunch . 290 00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:55,441 Oh, I don't think Mr. Burns would like that show. 291 00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:57,735 What's the matter? Think I'm not hip? 292 00:12:57,818 --> 00:13:00,696 I don't have enough vo-dee-oh-doh? 293 00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:07,077 Thank you, knick-knack and paddy-whack, the Siamese midgets. 294 00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:09,288 We'll be sure to catch your new series on FOX. 295 00:13:09,705 --> 00:13:10,664 Good luck, Mr. Burns. 296 00:13:10,748 --> 00:13:12,583 And if you get in trouble, I wrote some jokes 297 00:13:12,666 --> 00:13:15,169 about how white people are different from black people. 298 00:13:15,252 --> 00:13:16,378 Hmm. 299 00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:17,546 How're you doing, Mr. Burns? 300 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,381 Jerry Rude, welcome to the show. 301 00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,008 (titters) I am pleased to-- 302 00:13:21,091 --> 00:13:22,510 All right. Let's get this geezer out quick 303 00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:24,386 so we can bring in the lesbian gladiators. 304 00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:27,056 You see, white people have names like "Lenny," 305 00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:30,226 whereas black people have names like "Carl." 306 00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:32,019 (laughing) 307 00:13:32,394 --> 00:13:33,521 Zoom. 308 00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:34,980 Now, Mr. Rude, 309 00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:37,483 I just want you to know I'm a good sport. 310 00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:40,152 If you want to make fun of my legendary love of cashews, 311 00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:41,821 (chuckles) you have at it. 312 00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:43,072 Uh-huh. All right. 313 00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:45,282 Uh, how many times a day do you go to the can? 314 00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:47,117 Oh, about 40, I suppose. 315 00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:48,244 When are we going on the air? 316 00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:49,787 We're on the air now, skeletor. 317 00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:51,413 -What? -Question two. 318 00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:53,040 how long is your wiener, seriously? 319 00:13:53,123 --> 00:13:54,458 Great heavens! 320 00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:56,502 What kind of Radiola show is this? 321 00:13:56,585 --> 00:13:59,421 All right. How about this? When was your first gay experience? 322 00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:02,883 Oh, well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic. 323 00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:05,010 That was a gay old time. 324 00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:07,763 Ho-ho, I ate my share of wieners that day. 325 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,098 Oh, that sounds lovely. 326 00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:10,933 (coughing) Queer. Queer. 327 00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:13,102 Um, ever murder anybody? 328 00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:14,228 Murder? 329 00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:16,647 Well, mistakes have been made. 330 00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:18,732 Monty, I've heard you're a pretty flatulent guy. 331 00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:19,942 Any comment on that? 332 00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:21,443 -No, no. See here. -(farting) 333 00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,779 Stop that. Attention wireless listeners. 334 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,197 Most of the sounds you are now hearing 335 00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:27,366 are not being made by me. 336 00:14:27,449 --> 00:14:28,826 -Do stop. Stop it. -(farting sounds) 337 00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:31,495 Will someone please stop the farting! 338 00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,205 D'oh! Oh! Oh! 339 00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:34,665 Don't worry, folks. He's not dead. 340 00:14:34,748 --> 00:14:36,667 I still hear some faint sounds of life. 341 00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:37,960 (farting sounds) 342 00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,630 {\an8}That didn't go well, did it? 343 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,133 Good thing those lesbians knew CPR. 344 00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,676 Oh, what's the use? 345 00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:48,178 I'll never be a popular, beloved billionaire 346 00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:49,597 like Arthur Fortune. 347 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,432 Oh, Arthur Fortune. 348 00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:53,142 (sighs) 349 00:14:53,934 --> 00:14:56,520 You know what that fabulous man just did? 350 00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:59,857 He gave the Springfield Zoo two male pandas, 351 00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:02,943 and got them to mate successfully. 352 00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,237 {\an8}And a stunt like that impresses people? 353 00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:08,991 Oh, yeah, and I'm not easily impressed. 354 00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:11,076 Wow! A blue car! 355 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,078 If a couple of Chinese bamboo gobblers 356 00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:14,538 can win people's hearts, 357 00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:15,748 I'm going to bring them something 358 00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:17,291 that man has searched for 359 00:15:17,374 --> 00:15:19,460 since the dawn of time. 360 00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:22,713 {\an8}-A sober Irishman? -Even rarer. 361 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:33,015 HOMER: Whoo! That was one long helicopter ride. 362 00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:42,650 Do you really think you can capture the Loch Ness monster? 363 00:15:42,733 --> 00:15:43,734 I mean, he's eluded 364 00:15:43,817 --> 00:15:45,611 Leonard Nimoy and Peter Graves. 365 00:15:45,694 --> 00:15:46,737 (scoffs) 366 00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:48,614 Peter Graves couldn't find ugly 367 00:15:48,697 --> 00:15:50,199 at a Radcliffe mixer. 368 00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:51,742 (clears throat) Let's see now, 369 00:15:51,825 --> 00:15:53,786 we have the monsterometer, 370 00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:55,496 flipper-finder, 371 00:15:55,579 --> 00:15:57,081 hoaxiscope, which is important 372 00:15:57,164 --> 00:15:58,874 for the looking and finding. 373 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:01,210 Ach, the whole town's turned out. 374 00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:03,045 I've never seen them so excited. 375 00:16:05,255 --> 00:16:08,008 Hey, Willie. That old couple looks just like you. 376 00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:10,094 Aye, 'tis my Ma and Pa. 377 00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:11,929 They own a tavern hereabouts. 378 00:16:12,012 --> 00:16:13,597 They still have the same pool table 379 00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:16,767 on which I was conceived, born and educated. 380 00:16:18,894 --> 00:16:21,647 {\an8}-So you're back, son? -Aye. 381 00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:23,816 I suppose you'll be leaving soon. 382 00:16:23,899 --> 00:16:24,942 Aye. 383 00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:31,448 (grunting) Good. Good. One more. 384 00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:34,743 -(grunts) -Where's my monster, tubby? 385 00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,787 {\an8}What do you people think I'm paying you for? 386 00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:38,872 {\an8}Uh, to work in your power plant? 387 00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:40,708 You're not paying me anything. 388 00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:42,876 You kidnapped me. I remember it distinctly 389 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,253 with the grabbing and the duct taping 390 00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:45,546 and the tennis ball in the mouth. 391 00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:46,672 It hurt me. 392 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,757 The beast looks something like this, 393 00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,385 {\an8}only without the saucy T-shirt. 394 00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:54,221 -Check. -OK. 395 00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:58,267 (whistling) 396 00:16:58,350 --> 00:17:02,104 (water bubbling) 397 00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:05,691 He's been down in that icy water for hours. 398 00:17:06,066 --> 00:17:09,445 How can the lad survive such brutal punishment? 399 00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:18,412 -(dog barks) -(call bell rings) 400 00:17:18,495 --> 00:17:21,749 (grunts) Tilt, you monster! 401 00:17:22,499 --> 00:17:24,918 (beeping) 402 00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:26,336 Oh, my great, good God. 403 00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:27,921 Gentlemen, your attention, please. 404 00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:31,133 I am detecting a gigantic amphibious life-form. 405 00:17:31,216 --> 00:17:33,969 It's 80 meters long and it's heading this way. 406 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,430 Oh, good glayvin! It's on my shoe! 407 00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:37,514 (beeping continues) 408 00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:39,266 It's a... a small frog. 409 00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:40,559 Just get off. Just get off there. 410 00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:41,727 Get out. Get out! 411 00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:44,563 Stupid machine. Oh, wait a minute. 412 00:17:44,646 --> 00:17:47,191 This isn't the monsterometer. It's the frog-exaggerator. 413 00:17:47,274 --> 00:17:48,525 Oh, my! 414 00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:50,444 We're the laughingstock of the town. 415 00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:53,238 Don't worry, Mr. Burns. 416 00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:54,323 We're going to find that monster 417 00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:55,824 no matter how long it takes. 418 00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:58,494 Besides, I'm getting kind of used to wearing a kilt. 419 00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:01,955 (chuckles) Can you believe, I'm a size four? Whoo! 420 00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:04,124 -Ach! -Aye. 421 00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:05,834 D'oh, it's pointless hunting for an animal 422 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:08,462 that has 24 miles of water to hide in. 423 00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:11,048 Drain the lake. 424 00:18:11,131 --> 00:18:12,424 -What? -You heard me. 425 00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:14,551 {\an8}Deploy the delochinator. 426 00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:19,807 (grunting, groaning) 427 00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:23,519 (muttering) 428 00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:31,276 (church bell rings) 429 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,365 We've lost our homes and everything we hold dear. 430 00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:37,491 Aye. 431 00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:42,704 I see it! I see the monster! 432 00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:44,706 (snorting) 433 00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,708 Nay, 'tis merely 434 00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:50,129 a Loch Ness High School's discarded homecoming float. 435 00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:55,050 {\an8}-No way! Aberdeen rules! -(explosion, crashing) 436 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,344 (all screaming) 437 00:18:58,178 --> 00:19:01,348 -(roaring) -(all screaming) 438 00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:05,144 My God, it's him! 439 00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:06,895 Come on, boys. Overpower it. 440 00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:08,313 (whistling) 441 00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:10,732 Fine. I'll do it myself. 442 00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:15,529 (snorting) 443 00:19:15,612 --> 00:19:17,656 That was amazing, Mr. Burns. 444 00:19:17,739 --> 00:19:19,700 I was a little worried when he swallowed me, 445 00:19:19,783 --> 00:19:22,035 but, well, you know the rest. 446 00:19:22,452 --> 00:19:23,495 (sighs) 447 00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:25,747 And now for my triumphant return 448 00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:26,874 to Springfield. 449 00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:36,008 Monster fever has gripped Springfield by the throat, 450 00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:37,843 and it's all thanks to one man. 451 00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:40,846 Montgomery Burns has captured not only a legendary monster, 452 00:19:40,929 --> 00:19:42,556 but also our hearts. 453 00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:45,225 And by the way, girls, he's single. 454 00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:46,476 Single? 455 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,437 Well, he passes the Selma test. 456 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:51,273 (crowd cheering) 457 00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:53,859 Thank you. Thank you, everyone. 458 00:19:53,942 --> 00:19:57,738 And now, presenting the ninth wonder of the world, 459 00:19:57,821 --> 00:20:00,866 the eighth being Gomer Pyle's heavenly singing voice, 460 00:20:00,949 --> 00:20:04,536 I give you the Loch Ness monster! 461 00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:07,497 (cheering) 462 00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:09,416 -Thank you. You're too kind. -Monty! Monty! 463 00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:11,960 -Yes, that's it. Let it all out. -Monty! Monty! 464 00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,879 Clutch me to your common bosom. 465 00:20:13,962 --> 00:20:16,298 Hey, look. He's getting up! 466 00:20:21,803 --> 00:20:24,431 No, no. Stop it. Stop it. You'll enrage the beast! 467 00:20:24,514 --> 00:20:25,557 (cooing) 468 00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:26,600 No more pictures. 469 00:20:26,683 --> 00:20:27,851 You're driving him mad. 470 00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:33,941 (groaning) 471 00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:36,109 Stop it. You're blinding me! 472 00:20:36,526 --> 00:20:39,154 (groaning) Oh! I can't see. 473 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,490 (grunting) Run! 474 00:20:42,282 --> 00:20:43,367 Run! 475 00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:45,953 Mr. Burns will kill us all! 476 00:20:48,538 --> 00:20:50,624 -Wait. Don't go. -(thud) 477 00:20:50,707 --> 00:20:53,043 Love me! 478 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,798 Well, if you wanted people to love you, 479 00:20:57,881 --> 00:21:00,259 you sure blew it with that insane rampage. 480 00:21:00,342 --> 00:21:01,843 -(sighs) -But you know what? 481 00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:04,888 To be loved, you have to be nice to people, 482 00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:06,390 every day! 483 00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:09,685 But to be hated, you don't have to do squat. 484 00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:11,311 You know, perhaps, you're right. 485 00:21:11,645 --> 00:21:13,772 I got so swept up with the notion of being liked, 486 00:21:13,855 --> 00:21:15,857 I completely forgot who I am. 487 00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:17,901 I am a selfish old crank, 488 00:21:17,985 --> 00:21:19,903 and that fits me like a Speedo. 489 00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:23,949 (cooing) 490 00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:26,368 So what do we do with our friend here? 491 00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:27,828 Throw him in the dumpster? 492 00:21:27,911 --> 00:21:29,162 No, no, no. 493 00:21:29,579 --> 00:21:32,291 I really want to give the lovable scamp a good home. 494 00:21:39,923 --> 00:21:41,633 -D'oh! -Tough luck, Simpson. 495 00:21:41,717 --> 00:21:43,302 Come on, Nessie, one more pull. 496 00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:44,970 (shrieking) 497 00:21:45,053 --> 00:21:46,305 OK. OK. 498 00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:48,140 You want a shrimp cocktail? 499 00:21:48,223 --> 00:21:50,267 -(grunts) -Yeah, they're not great. 500 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,186 (theme music played on bagpipes) 501 00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:01,528 (theme music playing) 502 00:22:37,397 --> 00:22:38,273 Shh! 503 00:22:38,357 --> 00:22:40,233 LISA: Ooh, I hear this really sucks. 504 00:22:41,985 --> 00:22:43,987 {\an8}Captioned by Visual Data Media Services