1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,169 (theme music playing) 2 00:00:03,253 --> 00:00:06,715 CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 3 00:00:16,975 --> 00:00:18,351 (bell ringing) 4 00:00:24,065 --> 00:00:25,233 (whistle blows) 5 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,322 (beeping) 6 00:00:34,617 --> 00:00:37,620 (playing the blues) 7 00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:47,505 (tires screech) 8 00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,018 (honking horn) 9 00:01:04,355 --> 00:01:06,191 D'oh! (screams) 10 00:01:09,152 --> 00:01:10,111 (all exclaiming) 11 00:01:24,167 --> 00:01:27,545 You promised to stop watching that telly and take me on holiday. 12 00:01:27,629 --> 00:01:30,256 (in Italian accent) Shut uppa your mouth! 13 00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:31,716 ANNOUNCER (on TV): Ethnic Mismatch Comedy 14 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:34,385 number 644 has been canceled. 15 00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,846 While we scramble to find new programming 16 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,681 {\an8}please enjoy this encore presentation 17 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:41,017 {\an8}of Princess Di's funeral. 18 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,353 {\an8}(frustrated groan) I was really starting to enjoy 19 00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:46,022 {\an8}Ethnic Mismatch Comedy number 644. 20 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:49,984 {\an8}I've never heard so many Viagra jokes in 30 seconds. (guffawing) 21 00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:52,529 {\an8}(in Italian accent) Shut uppa your mouth! 22 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:54,989 {\an8}ANNOUNCER: Attention, Springfield, 23 00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:56,449 how low will you go? 24 00:01:56,533 --> 00:01:57,742 Ow! 25 00:01:58,743 --> 00:02:01,287 {\an8}ANNOUNCER: To win a trip to... Hawaii! 26 00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:04,833 {\an8}This Saturday, our judges will select the lowest, most disgusting nitwit in town 27 00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:06,668 {\an8}and send him straight to Maui! 28 00:02:06,751 --> 00:02:08,461 Sponsored by Grandma Plopwell's, 29 00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:10,839 the low-fat pudding that's approved for sale 30 00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:12,298 by the government. 31 00:02:14,175 --> 00:02:16,219 {\an8}All right! A gross-out contest! 32 00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:18,638 {\an8}Grandma Plopwell, you've done it again. 33 00:02:21,432 --> 00:02:22,892 {\an8}Care for a free sample? 34 00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,102 {\an8}Thank you. 35 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,565 {\an8}Mm, for low fat, this pudding's pretty good. 36 00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:30,108 {\an8}Mmm... mmm... 37 00:02:30,191 --> 00:02:32,819 {\an8}Oh, I can feel the pounds just melting off. 38 00:02:32,902 --> 00:02:36,781 {\an8}Our new hyper-sugar gives you 300% of your minimum daily sweetness requirement. 39 00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:38,199 {\an8}-(gagging) -Mm... 40 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:40,118 {\an8}do you suffer from diabetes? 41 00:02:40,201 --> 00:02:42,120 {\an8}(stuttering) Uh... no. 42 00:02:42,203 --> 00:02:44,747 {\an8}Well, you do now. (laughing) 43 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:47,834 {\an8}We're here live from the KBBL parking lot to see 44 00:02:47,917 --> 00:02:51,212 {\an8}how low will you go? 45 00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:54,299 {\an8}Our most disgusting contestant will win a free trip 46 00:02:54,382 --> 00:02:56,217 {\an8}to Hartford, Connecticut. 47 00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:58,678 {\an8}-I thought it was Hawaii. -No one said Hawaii. 48 00:02:58,761 --> 00:03:01,347 {\an8}Now let's get stupid with our first contestant, 49 00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,850 {\an8}the human garbage disposal. 50 00:03:03,933 --> 00:03:05,393 {\an8}-(crowd applauding) -Ladles and jellyspoons, 51 00:03:05,476 --> 00:03:07,979 {\an8}I will now take going low to new heights. 52 00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:11,649 {\an8}I will swallow anything, and I mean anything 53 00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:13,443 {\an8}you people throw. 54 00:03:13,526 --> 00:03:16,196 {\an8}-Here, take this. -(gulping) 55 00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:18,656 {\an8}(coughs) Please, no more spark plugs. 56 00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:20,992 {\an8}Lisa, would you like a penny to throw at your brother? 57 00:03:21,075 --> 00:03:24,287 {\an8}Unbelievable. We're rewarding people for acting like buffoons. 58 00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:27,540 {\an8}Young lady, this may be the high point of Bart's life. 59 00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,375 {\an8}Cut him some slack. 60 00:03:31,502 --> 00:03:34,214 {\an8}-(burping loudly) -(crowd cheering) 61 00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:37,467 {\an8}No, wait! 62 00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:38,885 {\an8}That wasn't a trick! 63 00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:40,803 {\an8}I was going to juggle chickens! 64 00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:47,352 {\an8}ANNOUNCER: Next up, Homer and his amazing Redenbacher Dreamcoat 65 00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:50,271 with a number he calls "Kernel Knowledge." 66 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:52,106 ♪ I'm hot buttered ♪ 67 00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:53,942 ♪ Check it and see ♪ 68 00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:57,695 ♪ I got a fever of 453 ♪ 69 00:03:57,779 --> 00:03:58,780 (kernels popping) 70 00:03:58,863 --> 00:04:00,823 ♪ I'm hot, so very hot ♪ 71 00:04:01,824 --> 00:04:02,742 Fours? 72 00:04:02,825 --> 00:04:04,953 Ow! Ow! 73 00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:10,500 Oh, this is so embarrassing. 74 00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:12,752 {\an8}Lisa, did anyone force you to come here today? 75 00:04:12,835 --> 00:04:13,795 {\an8}You. 76 00:04:13,878 --> 00:04:17,465 {\an8}-Hmm. Well, no one's forcing you to stay. -OK, I'm leaving. 77 00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:21,386 -Oh, you're not going anywhere, missy. -(crowd booing) 78 00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:24,764 But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit. 79 00:04:24,847 --> 00:04:26,349 Moe with a lolly. 80 00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:28,559 (chuckles) It's a lot of character. 81 00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:30,019 -Ain't that worth nothing? -(crowd booing) 82 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,604 WOMAN: Come on. Next. 83 00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:35,024 All right, judges, who is our winner? 84 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,693 The winner is... 85 00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:39,195 me, for being seen with you freaks. 86 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:42,615 Judges can't win the contest. Boo! 87 00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:45,535 You have robbed us of our dignity! 88 00:04:46,577 --> 00:04:49,455 What are you...? Aaah! A urinal cake? 89 00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:52,500 You, sir, have crossed the line. (grunts) 90 00:04:52,583 --> 00:04:53,543 Aaah! 91 00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:55,003 {\an8}(all yelling) 92 00:04:57,213 --> 00:04:58,798 People, stop! Stop! 93 00:04:58,881 --> 00:05:00,091 We're not animals! 94 00:05:00,174 --> 00:05:02,385 (all making barnyard noises) 95 00:05:06,055 --> 00:05:07,098 Take that. 96 00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:13,980 (groaning) 97 00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:23,323 "An open letter to the people of Springfield. 98 00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:24,782 Today our town lost 99 00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:26,826 what remained of its fragile civility 100 00:05:26,909 --> 00:05:29,287 drowned in a sea of low-fat pudding." 101 00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:30,955 Look, I got runner-up prize. 102 00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:32,415 You won second place? 103 00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:33,624 No, but I got it. 104 00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:36,586 Stealing is wrong. 105 00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:39,881 "Free boudoir photography." 106 00:05:39,964 --> 00:05:41,924 Sweet. 107 00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:44,594 (humming) 108 00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:46,888 {\an8}Hmm. 109 00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:48,931 Huh? 110 00:05:49,807 --> 00:05:50,892 {\an8}(gasps) 111 00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:52,602 Oh, right. 112 00:05:53,936 --> 00:05:57,357 "We are a town of lowbrows, no-brows, and ignorami. 113 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,151 We have eight malls but no symphony, 114 00:06:00,234 --> 00:06:03,071 32 bars but no alternative theater, 115 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:06,157 13 stores that begin with 'Le Sex.' 116 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:09,911 I write this letter not to nag or whine but to prod. 117 00:06:09,994 --> 00:06:11,871 We can better ourselves." 118 00:06:11,954 --> 00:06:13,039 -Yee-ha! -(pig snorting) 119 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,792 Well, most of us. 120 00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:22,799 Dad, did you see anything provocative in today's paper? 121 00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:24,592 Yes. There's a real think piece here 122 00:06:24,675 --> 00:06:25,968 about a bra sale. 123 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:27,261 {\an8}Dad, stop kidding around. 124 00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:29,305 {\an8}Look, they printed my letter. 125 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,308 Hey, that is wonderful, sweetie. I'm gonna read it... 126 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,144 just as soon as I finish what I'm doing here. 127 00:06:38,272 --> 00:06:41,859 {\an8}Well, I'm sure someone had the time to read it. 128 00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:43,111 I envy them. 129 00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:45,113 Hi, Mr. Flanders. 130 00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:47,698 I see you're reading the newspaper. 131 00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,992 (chuckling) Everything but the opinion page. 132 00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:51,911 I don't need to be told what to think... 133 00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:53,496 by anyone living. 134 00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:58,835 Chief Wiggum. Boy, you sure got a lot of copies of the paper. 135 00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:01,212 Yeah, I need to housebreak our new police dog. 136 00:07:01,295 --> 00:07:04,757 Plus, it couldn't hurt Ralphie to brush up on the fundamentals. 137 00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:08,136 Daddy says I'm this close to living in the yard. 138 00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:10,972 Oh, doesn't anybody in this town read? 139 00:07:11,055 --> 00:07:12,974 Oh, hello, Lisa. 140 00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:16,352 Can you recommend any books for my mobile? 141 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:20,398 Oh, absolutely. Well, you know, anything by Jane Austen. 142 00:07:20,481 --> 00:07:21,774 Jane Austen. 143 00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:24,026 Thanks, Lisa. I'll get right on it. 144 00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:30,450 (gasps) 145 00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:33,995 "We read your letter with great interest. 146 00:07:34,078 --> 00:07:37,540 {\an8}If you wish to learn more, go to 13 Euclid Street. 147 00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:42,003 {\an8}Tell no one. And bring a dessert." Ooh. 148 00:07:42,086 --> 00:07:44,422 -BART: Hey, Lise. Whoa! -(pig squealing) 149 00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:52,472 MAN 1: Lisa Simpson, are you ready 150 00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:56,184 to go on a voyage of intellectual self-discovery? 151 00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:57,685 I think so. 152 00:07:57,768 --> 00:08:00,313 Is that a pie or a quiche? 153 00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:01,647 A pie. 154 00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,149 (people muttering) 155 00:08:03,232 --> 00:08:04,859 MAN 2: You may enter. 156 00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:09,363 -Oh! -Welcome to Mensa, Lisa. 157 00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:12,241 It's the organization for people with high IQs. 158 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,285 I know that. It's also a constellation 159 00:08:14,368 --> 00:08:16,204 visible only from the Southern Hemisphere. 160 00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:18,581 She's good. She's very good. 161 00:08:18,664 --> 00:08:21,167 (goofy laugh) And she brought a cream pie. 162 00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:29,342 (gasps) You want me to join Mensa? Oh, that's wonderful. 163 00:08:29,425 --> 00:08:31,302 But don't I have to take some sort of IQ test? 164 00:08:31,385 --> 00:08:33,429 No, Lisa, you're more than qualified. 165 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:36,098 I've shared all your standardized test scores with the other members. 166 00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:39,477 {\an8}-Aren't those supposed to be confidential? -Welcome to Mensa. 167 00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:43,397 You've joined such luminaries as cartoonists Mell Lazarus, Geena Davis, 168 00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:46,108 and Parade magazine's Marilyn vos Savant. 169 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:48,444 Each the tops in his or her field... 170 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,571 uh, except for Mell Lazarus. 171 00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:53,366 {\an8}-Wow. I'm so honored you wanted me. -Well, it was your 172 00:08:53,449 --> 00:08:56,452 delightfully condescending letter that put you over the top. 173 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,371 Lindsey Naegle, Advanced Capital Ventures. 174 00:08:58,454 --> 00:08:59,830 Oh. What do you produce? 175 00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:02,208 Synergy... and books on how to cheat at Bridge. 176 00:09:02,291 --> 00:09:04,293 Lisa, I think you'll really enjoy it here. 177 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,128 Now, let's get down to business. 178 00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:07,713 Any new palindromes? 179 00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:10,675 (clears throat) Rise to vote, sir. 180 00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:11,717 Now, you know the agenda. 181 00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:14,720 Palindromes, anagrams, eat Lisa's pie, then voting. 182 00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:17,348 {\an8}But "rise to vote, sir" is a palindrome. 183 00:09:17,431 --> 00:09:19,016 (murmuring) 184 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,476 Lisa, I think you're gonna fit in 185 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,061 just fine around here. 186 00:09:23,145 --> 00:09:25,731 Wow... me... fit in. 187 00:09:34,865 --> 00:09:36,117 (disguising voice) Hello. 188 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,704 I have a certificate for a free erotic photo session. 189 00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:40,955 Oh, yes. Your name? 190 00:09:41,038 --> 00:09:42,039 Uh... 191 00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:44,292 Geraldo... Simpson. 192 00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:46,502 -All right, Mr. Simpson. -(exclaims) Who told you? 193 00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:49,088 Don't worry. These photos are perfectly legal. 194 00:09:49,171 --> 00:09:51,966 Many husbands use 'em as a romantic gift for their wives. 195 00:09:52,049 --> 00:09:55,428 {\an8}Uh... you're not gonna ask me to pose nude, are you? 196 00:09:55,511 --> 00:09:58,806 Well, yes, unless you have some issues with revealing your body. 197 00:09:58,889 --> 00:10:01,976 Well, I don't, but the block association seems to. 198 00:10:02,059 --> 00:10:05,187 They wanted a "traditional" Santa Claus. 199 00:10:06,897 --> 00:10:09,859 I can't believe how they're dumbing down the Springfield library. 200 00:10:09,942 --> 00:10:12,236 They've gotten rid of the English literature section 201 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:15,323 and replaced it with a "make your own sundae" bar. 202 00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:17,325 I heard they got rid of the reference desk 203 00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:20,453 -to make room for an air hockey table. -Even the microfilm? 204 00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:23,623 {\an8}-Even the microfiche. -(all groaning) 205 00:10:23,706 --> 00:10:26,375 My family never talks about library standards, 206 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:29,378 and every time I try to steer the conversation that way, 207 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:30,963 they make me feel like a nerd. 208 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:34,842 We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt? 209 00:10:34,925 --> 00:10:36,469 {\an8}(Lisa reading) 210 00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:39,347 (laughing) 211 00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:42,391 Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny. 212 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:45,645 {\an8}Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller ratio. 213 00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:49,106 (Lisa humming) 214 00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:52,777 Oh, Dad, I just spent the day with the most wonderful people. 215 00:10:52,860 --> 00:10:54,403 Oh, that's great, honey. 216 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:57,114 You tell me everything you can before the commercial's over. 217 00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:58,783 Well, for the first time in my life, 218 00:10:58,866 --> 00:11:00,117 I feel that someone understands. 219 00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:01,202 Up-bup-bup-bup! 220 00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:04,955 Are you ready in there, Mr. Simpson? 221 00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:05,956 HOMER: Are you sure 222 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,334 you're a fully accredited and bonded pornographer? 223 00:11:08,417 --> 00:11:09,335 Just come out. 224 00:11:10,294 --> 00:11:11,879 Please be kind. 225 00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:16,133 You look fantastic. Let me just adjust my lens here. 226 00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:21,430 Now you're sure this will save my marriage? 227 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,849 Try not to speak; it's making your body ripple. 228 00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:27,436 -(groans) -Ugh! 229 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,021 Ooh! 230 00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:30,856 -BART: Dad? Dad, are you home? -(exclaims) 231 00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:32,316 (gasps) 232 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,442 Ow! 233 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,569 (grunting) 234 00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:38,072 Fine. I don't care what you're doing. 235 00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:39,240 Oh. 236 00:11:39,323 --> 00:11:40,366 (screams) 237 00:11:42,159 --> 00:11:43,619 Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. 238 00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:45,955 OK, I think he's gone. 239 00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:49,333 Let's reschedule. 240 00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:52,712 This is so cool. 241 00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:54,672 I feel like I'm back in the renaissance. 242 00:11:54,755 --> 00:11:56,674 Please stay in character, gentle wench. 243 00:11:56,757 --> 00:11:59,635 Verily I declare that the Earth revolves around the Sun 244 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,929 and not t'other way round. 245 00:12:02,012 --> 00:12:04,014 Stop looking down my blouse, Copernicus. 246 00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:07,226 Forsooth, mine eyes doth rove of their own accord. 247 00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:08,436 -Zounds! -(indistinct burping) 248 00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:10,104 Someone took our gazebo. 249 00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:14,233 {\an8}No, no, that's impossible. We reserved it months ago. 250 00:12:14,316 --> 00:12:16,068 Someone should stand up to them. 251 00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:17,945 -Whoa! -Mm... 252 00:12:18,028 --> 00:12:19,363 Oh, I'll do it. 253 00:12:20,364 --> 00:12:21,323 Excuse me, gentlemen. 254 00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,243 Might I take a peek at your gazebo reservation form? 255 00:12:24,326 --> 00:12:25,828 -Beat it. -(chuckles) 256 00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:27,997 Yes, well, we each have a good case. 257 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,915 What part of "beat it" didn't you understand? 258 00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:32,752 Mm. I guess it would be the "it." 259 00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:35,337 I'm not exactly sure to what that refers. 260 00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:36,338 It's a-- Ow! 261 00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:37,757 Oh, it's hopeless. 262 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,760 There's some she-males in gazebo three, 263 00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:43,220 a nasty-looking spider in gazebo six, 264 00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:46,098 and the less said about gazebo eight, the better. 265 00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:47,641 Ah, Chief, thank God you're here. 266 00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:50,686 We reserved gazebo seven and look. 267 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:54,023 Geez, how many gazebos do you she-males need? 268 00:12:55,357 --> 00:12:56,484 Beer me, boys. 269 00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,320 Why do we live in a town 270 00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:01,030 where the smartest have no power, 271 00:13:01,113 --> 00:13:02,490 and the stupidest run everything? 272 00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:04,241 Maybe I should just move back to Alabama. 273 00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:07,286 No, we should fix things here. If we put our minds to it 274 00:13:07,369 --> 00:13:09,288 there's no limit to what we can accomplish. 275 00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:10,915 I think the girl's right. 276 00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:19,715 -The jig is up, Quimby. -Oh, God. 277 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,675 When you see what's in this report, 278 00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:23,969 things are going to change in this town. 279 00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:25,387 I earned that lotto money. 280 00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:26,639 I swear. 281 00:13:32,394 --> 00:13:33,979 -Hyah! -(horse neighs) 282 00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:36,106 Faster, you moron. 283 00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:44,490 Huh. Well, that was unexpected. 284 00:13:44,573 --> 00:13:47,076 What's going on? Where's the mayor? 285 00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:48,285 He skipped town. 286 00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:49,328 Really? 287 00:13:49,411 --> 00:13:51,789 So, who's in charge? 288 00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:53,374 Well, that's a good question. 289 00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:56,210 Let's, uh, take a quick look at the town charter. 290 00:13:59,296 --> 00:14:01,048 ALL: Done. 291 00:14:01,131 --> 00:14:02,967 -Finished. -According to the charter, 292 00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:04,677 should the mayor abdicate, 293 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,429 the Council of Learned Citizens may rule in his stead. 294 00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:09,557 {\an8}Well, there's no one more learned than us. 295 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,852 So, I guess... (chuckling) we're in charge. 296 00:14:12,935 --> 00:14:16,647 What? Let me see that. Let me see here. 297 00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:19,900 "We the people, cruel and unusual," blah, blah, blah... 298 00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:22,027 "ritual circumcision," yak, yak, yak... 299 00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:24,113 Ah, geez, I'll take your word for it. 300 00:14:24,196 --> 00:14:25,906 I guess you are in charge. 301 00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,157 (cheering) 302 00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:28,951 With our superior intellects 303 00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:30,953 we could rebuild this city on a foundation 304 00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:32,580 of reason and enlightenment. 305 00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:34,832 We could turn Springfield into a utopia. 306 00:14:34,915 --> 00:14:36,208 A new Athens. 307 00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:37,543 Or Walden Two. 308 00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:39,920 Yeah, a real candyland. 309 00:14:40,921 --> 00:14:42,423 Of the mind... the mind. 310 00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:44,425 I'll just go now. 311 00:14:44,508 --> 00:14:45,634 Bunch of dorks. 312 00:14:48,679 --> 00:14:50,514 This is Kent Brockman at City Hall 313 00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:53,559 where the intellectual junta known as the "bright pack" 314 00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:55,644 has been running this town for the better part of three days. 315 00:14:56,353 --> 00:14:57,396 (chattering indistinctly) 316 00:14:58,522 --> 00:15:00,774 So, Lisa, what do you and your fellow eggheads 317 00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:03,193 have planned for the city? Business as usual? 318 00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:05,112 No, Kent, we're going to use the power of good ideas 319 00:15:05,195 --> 00:15:06,488 to change things for the better. 320 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:09,158 (laughs) Well, excuse this jaded reporter 321 00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:10,701 if he says he's heard that before. 322 00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:13,203 -Oh, well, we really mean it. -(gasps) You do? 323 00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:16,373 Yes. For example, no one was showing up for jury duty, 324 00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,292 so we made the experience more exciting 325 00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:20,920 by synergizing it with his comic book collection. 326 00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:25,424 "You have been chosen to join the justice squadron 327 00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:26,967 8:00 am. Monday 328 00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:29,637 at the Municipal Fortress of Vengeance." 329 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,347 Oh, I am so there. 330 00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:33,307 {\an8}We studied traffic patterns and found 331 00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:36,352 {\an8}that drivers move the fastest through yellow lights. 332 00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:40,689 {\an8}So now, we just have the red and yellow lights. 333 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:41,941 (goofy laugh) 334 00:15:45,527 --> 00:15:47,947 Come on! Stay yellow, stay yellow! 335 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,699 Man, I'm making record time. 336 00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,743 If only I had someplace to be. 337 00:15:52,826 --> 00:15:54,370 And we've really elevated 338 00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:56,497 the level of discourse at the dog track. 339 00:15:57,081 --> 00:15:59,750 We replaced the fanfare with classical music, 340 00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:02,544 and instead of chasing a rabbit the dogs chase a diploma. 341 00:16:02,878 --> 00:16:03,754 (dogs barking) 342 00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:07,091 The world has already taken note of our accomplishments. 343 00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:09,885 Springfield has moved up to number 299 344 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:13,097 on the list of America's 300 most livable cities. 345 00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:15,182 Take that, East St. Louis. 346 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:20,396 Gee, you said you were gonna make me look sexier, 347 00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:21,939 but it's awfully dark in here. 348 00:16:22,022 --> 00:16:24,775 Light is not your friend. 349 00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:28,278 -All right, let's do this thing. -It's time to get Homer-erotic. 350 00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:29,780 -(upbeat music playing) -(exclaims) 351 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:38,539 OK, next item of business is our weekly progress report. 352 00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:41,083 Principal Skinner, how's your transportation project coming? 353 00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:42,001 Oh, excellent. 354 00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:44,253 Not only are the trains now running on time 355 00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:46,046 they're running on metric time. 356 00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:49,883 Remember this moment, people... 80 past 2:00 on April 47. 357 00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:52,511 It's the dawn of an enlightened Springfield. 358 00:16:52,594 --> 00:16:56,015 Excellent. Now, next week is our State of the City address. 359 00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:58,017 Has everyone finalized their proposals? 360 00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,560 Well, first of all I have a plan 361 00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:01,562 to eliminate obesity in females. 362 00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:04,106 Oh, please. For a nickel-a-person tax increase, 363 00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:06,066 we could build a theater for shadow puppets. 364 00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:07,651 Balinese or Thai? 365 00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:09,695 Why not both? Then everybody's happy. 366 00:17:09,778 --> 00:17:11,864 Oh, yeah, everyone's real happy then. 367 00:17:11,947 --> 00:17:14,033 Do I detect a note of sarcasm? 368 00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:15,242 {\an8}Are you kidding me? 369 00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:17,578 {\an8}This baby is off the charts. 370 00:17:17,661 --> 00:17:19,038 Ooh, a sarcasm detector... 371 00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:20,873 Oh, that's a real useful invention. 372 00:17:22,207 --> 00:17:24,293 (overlapping conversation) 373 00:17:24,376 --> 00:17:27,588 HOMER (in playful voice): Marge, oh, Marge. 374 00:17:27,671 --> 00:17:30,382 I've got something for you. 375 00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:31,842 {\an8}Oh, Homie. 376 00:17:31,925 --> 00:17:33,719 HOMER: Houston, we have a problem... 377 00:17:33,802 --> 00:17:35,846 a sexy problem. 378 00:17:35,929 --> 00:17:39,141 Homie, well, look at you. 379 00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:42,186 Grrr. And I'm gonna maul you. 380 00:17:42,269 --> 00:17:44,563 Home, I've never seen this side of you, 381 00:17:44,646 --> 00:17:46,273 but I like it. 382 00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:53,322 Whoo, whoo! Look at those silk pillows. 383 00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:55,866 It's like the set of some high-class porno film. 384 00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:58,786 (giggles) No, no, it's just our basement. 385 00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:00,537 Mm, hold on. 386 00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:03,165 What, that's our basement? 387 00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:05,584 Yes, so come on, more kissing. 388 00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:07,878 It looks so elegant, and all it takes 389 00:18:07,961 --> 00:18:10,506 are some lace curtains and a beaded lampshade. 390 00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:12,716 You've got to show me exactly what you did. 391 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,134 But I was going to score. 392 00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:15,344 No, you weren't. 393 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,472 Welcome, everyone. 394 00:18:18,555 --> 00:18:20,265 Today we embark on a new era 395 00:18:20,349 --> 00:18:22,142 of intelligent governance. 396 00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:25,813 ALL: Governance! Governance! Governance! 397 00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,483 (clearing throat) We have some new rules and regulations 398 00:18:29,566 --> 00:18:31,652 that you're just gonna go ape-poopy over. 399 00:18:31,735 --> 00:18:32,653 Professor Frank? 400 00:18:32,736 --> 00:18:34,363 Hi. Well, first of all, 401 00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:36,448 we're going to ban such barbaric sports 402 00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:38,158 as bullfighting and cockfighting. 403 00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:40,202 (all cheering) 404 00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:42,454 Also boxing, uh, both kick 405 00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:44,873 -and the kind with the gloves, there. -(mild cheer) 406 00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:46,959 And hockey, football, push-ups, 407 00:18:47,042 --> 00:18:49,545 and anything in general where you have to take off your shirt, 408 00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:51,547 {\an8}-which is embarrassing. -(all protesting) 409 00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,257 I don't remember discussing that. 410 00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:58,762 Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, 411 00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:00,264 breeding will be permitted once every seven years. 412 00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:01,223 (crowd exclaiming) 413 00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:03,809 {\an8}For many of you this will mean much less breeding. 414 00:19:03,892 --> 00:19:05,686 For me, much, much more. 415 00:19:05,769 --> 00:19:09,148 You cannot do that, sir! You don't have the power! 416 00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:11,525 Uh-huh, ladies and gentlemen, I must apologize. 417 00:19:11,608 --> 00:19:13,861 This man does not speak for the Council of Alphas. 418 00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:16,697 We hold you sub-omeguloids in the highest regard. 419 00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:18,699 When are we going to get to my broccoli juice program? 420 00:19:18,782 --> 00:19:19,825 Quit butting in, please. 421 00:19:19,908 --> 00:19:21,702 Your IQ is a mere 155, 422 00:19:21,785 --> 00:19:23,495 while mine is a muscular 170. 423 00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:24,997 ♪ I am smart ♪ 424 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,791 ♪ Much smarter than you, Hibbert ♪ 425 00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,251 You should all do what I say. 426 00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:31,920 My IQ is 199 for crying out flaven... 427 00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:34,673 198, 197... 428 00:19:34,756 --> 00:19:35,716 MALE AUTOMATED VOICE: Big deal. 429 00:19:35,799 --> 00:19:37,926 My IQ is 280. 430 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,261 (all gasp) 431 00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:42,264 ALL: Stephen Hawking! 432 00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:43,974 The world's smartest man. 433 00:19:44,057 --> 00:19:45,142 What are you doing here? 434 00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:47,769 I wanted to see your utopia, 435 00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:50,355 but now I see, it is more of a fruitopia. 436 00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:52,900 (chuckles) I'm sure what Dr. Hawking means is... 437 00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:54,193 DR. HAWKING: Silence. 438 00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:58,280 I don't need anyone to talk for me except this voice box. 439 00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,616 You have clearly been corrupted by power. 440 00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:01,617 For shame. 441 00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,035 Larry Flint is right. 442 00:20:03,118 --> 00:20:04,119 You guys stink. 443 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,830 (all agreeing) 444 00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,708 I don't know which is a bigger disappointment... 445 00:20:09,791 --> 00:20:13,629 my failure to formulate a unified field theory, or you. 446 00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:15,130 I don't like your tone. 447 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:18,175 If you are looking for trouble, you found it. 448 00:20:18,258 --> 00:20:19,343 Yeah, just try me, you-- 449 00:20:19,426 --> 00:20:20,302 Ow! 450 00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:21,929 (cheering) 451 00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:24,014 Now's our opening. Come on, you idiots, 452 00:20:24,097 --> 00:20:25,682 we're taking back this town. 453 00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:28,268 Yeah, let's make litter out of these literati. 454 00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:30,771 That's too clever. You're one of them. 455 00:20:30,854 --> 00:20:31,855 (all screaming) 456 00:20:32,981 --> 00:20:34,650 Please, stay calm, everyone. 457 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:37,736 (screams) 458 00:20:37,819 --> 00:20:39,696 Time for this hawk to fly. 459 00:20:42,282 --> 00:20:43,575 Wrong button. 460 00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:51,875 LISA: Help! 461 00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:04,263 Lisa, thank God you're OK. 462 00:21:04,346 --> 00:21:05,889 Did you have fun with your robot buddy? 463 00:21:05,973 --> 00:21:08,433 Dad... Oh, Dr. Hawking, 464 00:21:08,517 --> 00:21:11,979 {\an8}we had such a beautiful dream. What went wrong? 465 00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:13,772 DR. HAWKING: Don't feel bad, Lisa. 466 00:21:13,855 --> 00:21:15,649 Sometimes the smartest of us 467 00:21:15,732 --> 00:21:17,484 can be the most childish. 468 00:21:17,567 --> 00:21:21,154 -Even you? -No, not me. Never. 469 00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:23,073 I guess everyone has a different vision 470 00:21:23,156 --> 00:21:24,533 for the perfect world. 471 00:21:24,616 --> 00:21:26,576 {\an8}Wow, Mom, that's very profound. 472 00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,787 {\an8}Hey, you read that off my screen. 473 00:21:29,788 --> 00:21:31,540 -Who's up for some beers? -I am. 474 00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:34,209 That's the smartest thing I've heard all day. 475 00:21:35,794 --> 00:21:38,505 Your theory of a doughnut-shaped universe 476 00:21:38,588 --> 00:21:40,215 is intriguing, Homer. 477 00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:41,883 I may have to steal it. 478 00:21:41,967 --> 00:21:45,053 Wow. I can't believe someone I never heard of 479 00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:46,888 is hanging out with a guy like me. 480 00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:48,390 All right, it's closing time. 481 00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:49,516 Who's paying the tab? 482 00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:50,642 HOMER (mechanically): I am. 483 00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:52,019 I didn't say that. 484 00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:53,520 Yes, I did. 485 00:21:53,603 --> 00:21:54,896 D'oh. 486 00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:57,107 (theme music playing) 487 00:22:40,901 --> 00:22:41,777 Shh! 488 00:22:41,860 --> 00:22:44,529 HOMER: Larry Flint is right. You guys stink. 489 00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:47,366 {\an8}Captioned by Visual Data Media Services