1 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:06,256 CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,427 (theme music playing) 3 00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:18,852 (bell rings) 4 00:00:23,648 --> 00:00:25,275 (whistle blows) 5 00:00:25,358 --> 00:00:26,359 (clinks) 6 00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:31,072 (beeps) 7 00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:37,662 (playing the blues) 8 00:00:39,497 --> 00:00:40,874 (jazzy solo) 9 00:00:47,922 --> 00:00:48,965 (clinks) 10 00:00:58,892 --> 00:00:59,893 (honking horn) 11 00:00:59,976 --> 00:01:02,187 (tires screeching) 12 00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:06,024 D'oh! (screams) 13 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:11,863 {\an8}(groans, gasps) 14 00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:24,292 {\an8}(clears throat) I hope you all are enjoying 15 00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:25,752 {\an8}your ride to and tour 16 00:01:25,835 --> 00:01:27,754 {\an8}of the Springfield Shopper newspaper 17 00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:29,672 {\an8}Groundskeeper Willie and I will stay behind 18 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,549 {\an8}to remove all traces of asbestos 19 00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:33,676 {\an8}and the word "evolution" from our school. 20 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,845 {\an8}Next stop, Margaritaville! Uh- 21 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,931 {\an8}-Oh, they're still here. -Yes. 22 00:01:38,014 --> 00:01:40,141 {\an8}Now I'd like to ask each child to pair up with 23 00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,018 {\an8}a buddy so no one gets lost. 24 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,770 {\an8}Come to think of it, I haven't seen Uter 25 00:01:43,853 --> 00:01:45,146 {\an8}since the last field trip. 26 00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,356 {\an8}(chuckling) Uter? 27 00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:47,607 {\an8}I don't remember any Uter. 28 00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:50,026 {\an8}(chuckling) Silly name. Uter. 29 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,112 {\an8}Dad, it's great that you volunteered to drive. 30 00:01:52,195 --> 00:01:53,780 {\an8}But how did you get out of work? 31 00:01:53,863 --> 00:01:56,908 {\an8}Don't worry, sweetie. Daddy's got it covered. 32 00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:59,369 {\an8}(Homer on tape recorder) ♪ I work hard for the money ♪ 33 00:01:59,452 --> 00:02:01,412 {\an8}♪ So hard for the money ♪ 34 00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:03,123 {\an8}♪ Oh, I something, something money ♪ 35 00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:05,500 {\an8}♪ Come on give me lots of honey ♪ 36 00:02:05,583 --> 00:02:07,752 {\an8}Now, there's an employee, Smithers. 37 00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:10,630 {\an8}A smile on his lips and a song in his heart. 38 00:02:10,713 --> 00:02:11,714 {\an8}Promote him. 39 00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:15,135 {\an8}(singing continues, warbled) 40 00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:16,219 {\an8}Turn tape over! 41 00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:23,226 {\an8}Hey, I know how we can have some fun. 42 00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:26,437 {\an8}I spy with my little eye... 43 00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:29,315 {\an8}something beginning with "D." 44 00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:31,484 {\an8}-Dingus! (grunts) -(groans) 45 00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:34,320 {\an8}God bless you, Nelson Muntz. 46 00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:35,697 {\an8}I'm no hero. 47 00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:37,574 {\an8}I just like to hit people in the head. 48 00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:42,912 {\an8}-(tires screeching) -(car horn honks) 49 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,122 {\an8}Hey, you (bleep)! 50 00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:45,331 {\an8}You cut me off!. 51 00:02:45,415 --> 00:02:47,292 {\an8}Oh, yeah! (bleep) you! 52 00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:50,170 {\an8}-(car horn honks) -Dad! That's an ambulance! 53 00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,462 {\an8}Oh, right! 54 00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:53,047 {\an8}-(horn honks) -(bleep) ambulance! 55 00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:56,759 {\an8}Think you're so big with your (bleep) siren 56 00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:59,179 {\an8}-and your letters on backwards! -(engine revs) 57 00:03:01,222 --> 00:03:04,350 {\an8}Here we are, kids. The zoo. 58 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:05,602 {\an8}Well, that's great, Dad. 59 00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:08,438 {\an8}Except you were supposed to drive us to the newspaper. 60 00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:09,564 (Homer echoing) D'oh! 61 00:03:09,647 --> 00:03:11,065 (trumpeting) 62 00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:12,567 (bellows) 63 00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:17,447 Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, 64 00:03:17,530 --> 00:03:19,532 established in 1883. 65 00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:22,702 The newspaper was founded by Johnny Newspaperseed, 66 00:03:22,785 --> 00:03:24,078 a 14-year-old boy 67 00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:26,748 who roamed America founding newspapers. 68 00:03:26,831 --> 00:03:29,584 If he's so smart, how come he's dead? 69 00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:32,128 Over the years, the shopper merged 70 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,380 with the Springfield Times, Post, Globe, Herald, 71 00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:36,132 Jewish News and Hot Sex Weekly 72 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,635 to become Springfield's number-one newspaper. 73 00:03:40,511 --> 00:03:43,181 Wow! A bustling metropolitan newsroom 74 00:03:43,264 --> 00:03:45,642 funneling scoops from all over the globe. 75 00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:47,185 Hi! Are you interested 76 00:03:47,268 --> 00:03:48,895 in a subscription to the Shopper? 77 00:03:48,978 --> 00:03:50,730 Low introductory rates! 78 00:03:50,813 --> 00:03:52,273 No, please you gotta help ol' Gil. 79 00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:55,068 What's it gonna take to keep you on the phone? 80 00:03:55,151 --> 00:03:57,528 Dance for you? But you wouldn't even see it. 81 00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:59,155 Yeah. All right. (chuckles) 82 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:02,867 I'm dancin'! (humming) 83 00:04:03,284 --> 00:04:05,620 And this is our comic strip department. 84 00:04:05,703 --> 00:04:07,580 Who here reads Mary Worth? 85 00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:09,874 Let's move on. 86 00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,088 This is where we store Ann Landers and Dear Abby 87 00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:17,423 for their 23 hours of daily sleep. 88 00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:21,261 My advice is to free us or let us die! 89 00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:23,721 Check it out, Dad. You can print out the headline 90 00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:24,973 from the day you were born. 91 00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:27,517 Ooh! Pointless nostalgia! 92 00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:33,147 I'd sure hate to be him. (laughs, groans) 93 00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:35,191 And to protect Mother Earth, 94 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:38,820 each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper. 95 00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,571 And what percent is that? 96 00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:43,825 Zero! Zero's a percent! 97 00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:49,455 Hey, I smell cake. Cake that says-- 98 00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:52,041 (sniffs) "farewell" and-- 99 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,210 (sniffs, gasps) ..."best wishes!" 100 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,754 Your old man has an awesome nose. 101 00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:59,215 Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding. 102 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:03,720 So, Mimi, this little shindig is our way of saying farewell 103 00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:06,264 to our favorite food critic. 104 00:05:06,347 --> 00:05:10,310 What can I say except thanks for the predictable champagne, 105 00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:12,562 pizza that's hardly numero uno 106 00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:14,439 and ice-cream cake which reminds us, 107 00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:17,900 why make 31 flavors when you can't get vanilla right? 108 00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:20,403 I wouldn't want to be married to her. 109 00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:21,654 I mean, again. 110 00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:24,574 (Homer chomps) 111 00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:27,452 Who are you, and why are you ruining my retirement party? 112 00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:31,497 I'll have you know, I wandered off from the tour. 113 00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:35,543 Well, at least you like the food. 114 00:05:35,626 --> 00:05:37,045 Oh, I like food, all right. 115 00:05:37,128 --> 00:05:40,173 (singing) ♪ I like pizza, I like bagels ♪ 116 00:05:40,256 --> 00:05:42,800 ♪ I like hot dogs with mustard and beer ♪ 117 00:05:42,884 --> 00:05:44,135 I get the picture. 118 00:05:44,218 --> 00:05:45,511 ♪ I'll eat eggplant ♪ 119 00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:47,764 ♪ I could even eat a baby deer ♪ 120 00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:49,682 ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la La-la la-la ♪ 121 00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:51,351 ♪ Who's that baby deer on the lawn there ♪ 122 00:05:51,809 --> 00:05:53,186 -Enough already! -Sorry. 123 00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:54,645 Hey, listen. 124 00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:56,230 I just had a thought. 125 00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:58,149 We're looking for a new food critic, 126 00:05:58,232 --> 00:06:01,944 someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats. 127 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:03,738 No, it usually takes a few hours. 128 00:06:03,821 --> 00:06:05,948 Uh, look... 129 00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:08,242 I'd like to give you a tryout. 130 00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:10,870 Write a 500-word sample review. 131 00:06:10,953 --> 00:06:14,415 If it passes muster, we'll put you on staff. 132 00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:15,583 Thanks for the chance. 133 00:06:15,666 --> 00:06:18,753 You won't never regret this, Mr. Editing Guy. 134 00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:21,881 You know, Homie, the "e" doesn't work 135 00:06:21,964 --> 00:06:23,383 on that typewriter. 136 00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:25,760 We don't need no stinkin' "e." 137 00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:28,471 "Restaurant review." No. 138 00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:30,473 "Eatery evaluation." No. 139 00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:33,267 (gasps) "Food box - Go or no go, 140 00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:35,186 by Homer." No. 141 00:06:35,269 --> 00:06:37,647 Earl-- no! Bill Simpson! 142 00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:43,611 (laughs) 143 00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:48,825 Well, what do you think? 144 00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:50,743 This is a joke, right? 145 00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,370 I mean, this is the stupidest thing 146 00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:53,454 I've ever read. 147 00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:54,956 What's wrong with it? 148 00:06:55,039 --> 00:06:56,541 Well, you keep using words 149 00:06:56,624 --> 00:06:59,669 like "pasghetti" and "momatoes." 150 00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:03,172 You make numerous threatening references to the U.N. 151 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:07,009 And at the end, you repeat the words "screw Flanders" 152 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:09,011 over and over again. 153 00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:12,306 Oh, it's so hard to get to 500 words. 154 00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:14,767 Oh, look, Homer, I'm sorry. 155 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:17,645 No! You're right! It's a joke! (chuckles) 156 00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:20,523 Everyone laugh at the funny joke! Ha-ha! 157 00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,942 I'll be right back with the real review. 158 00:07:23,025 --> 00:07:24,277 (door slams) 159 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:25,862 (Homer whimpering) 160 00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:29,657 Still not clean. Stink of failure still on me. 161 00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:30,741 (knocking) 162 00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:34,203 LISA: Dad, I'm sorry the editor didn't like your review. 163 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:35,830 I'll help you write a new review 164 00:07:35,913 --> 00:07:38,249 if you'll just let me use the bathroom! 165 00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:41,544 Still not clean. Still not clean! 166 00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:45,715 Okay, what restaurant did we review? 167 00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:48,009 {\an8}Well, we went to Pate Labelle last week. 168 00:07:48,092 --> 00:07:49,886 -How about that? -Great. Now let me think. 169 00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:51,637 The food was-- 170 00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:54,765 Mmm-- not undelicious. 171 00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:56,517 The food is delicious. 172 00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:57,894 (gasps) That's brilliant! 173 00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:01,189 Then I had the sweet, sweet chocolate mousse. 174 00:08:01,272 --> 00:08:03,524 Really, the only word for it is... 175 00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:04,942 (groaning) 176 00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:07,195 Hmm. What's the English equivalent for... 177 00:08:07,278 --> 00:08:09,655 (groaning) 178 00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:13,075 I'd say "transcendent." 179 00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,411 How about "groin-grabbingly transcendent"? 180 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,829 Er, I don't think so. 181 00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,372 We make a good team. 182 00:08:18,456 --> 00:08:20,416 A groin-grabbingly good team. 183 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,418 LISA: Four hundred and ninety seven, 184 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,378 four hundred and ninety eight words. 185 00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:27,590 -Hmph. -How about "screw Flanders"? 186 00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:28,758 Bon appetit. 187 00:08:28,841 --> 00:08:29,926 Er, both's good. 188 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:35,181 Not bad! Not bad at all! 189 00:08:35,264 --> 00:08:38,184 We're gonna run this on page one... 190 00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:40,061 of section H2. 191 00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:42,104 Whoo-hoo! Stop the presses! 192 00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:45,441 -(gasps) -(alarms blaring) 193 00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:50,738 Okay, start the presses! 194 00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:53,783 That takes four hours. 195 00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:55,326 Whatever. I'll be at Moe's. 196 00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:01,999 This is so exciting, Homie! Your first restaurant review! 197 00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:03,876 Marge. Shh! 198 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,712 It's important that no one knows that I'm a food critic. 199 00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:08,798 Hear that, Maude? Homer's a critic! 200 00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,716 Homer's a critic. Pass it on. 201 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,426 Did you hear? Homer's a critic. 202 00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:14,136 Quit changing the subject! 203 00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:15,346 Where is Uter? 204 00:09:15,429 --> 00:09:17,640 Oh! We just want closure. 205 00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,433 Arr! Here you are. 206 00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,519 One critic's special. 207 00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:23,813 Er, if anything appears to be movin', 208 00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:26,023 that's just freshness. Arr. 209 00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:27,441 Can you believe it, Marge? 210 00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:28,818 This job is the greatest. 211 00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:30,486 They're paying me to eat! 212 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:31,988 Yeah. Now if you could just get somebody 213 00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:33,364 to pay you for scratching your butt, 214 00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:34,574 we'll be on easy street. 215 00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:36,909 -Why, you little-- -(groaning) 216 00:09:38,786 --> 00:09:41,622 Wow! My first published article, whew, 217 00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:44,250 although someone else's name is on it. 218 00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:46,919 He-he. Welcome to the humiliating world 219 00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,462 of professional writing. 220 00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:50,631 But this is only the beginning. 221 00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:57,930 Welcome to Planet Springfield! 222 00:09:58,014 --> 00:10:00,891 The restaurant owned by me, Chuck Norris, 223 00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:04,854 Johnny Carson's third wife and the Russian mafia. 224 00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:06,731 Each Planet Springfield 225 00:10:06,814 --> 00:10:09,609 is filled with priceless Hollywood gewgaws. 226 00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:11,360 (gasps) There's the coffee mug 227 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,612 from Heartbeeps! 228 00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:13,779 And there's the cane 229 00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:15,489 from Citizen Kane! 230 00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,993 Wait a minute. There was no cane 231 00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:20,786 in Citizen Kane . 232 00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,413 And there's that awful script 233 00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:23,706 from The Cable Guy . 234 00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:26,083 Lemme see. Stupid script! 235 00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:28,252 Nearly wrecked Jim Carrey's career! 236 00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:30,046 You-- (grunting) 237 00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:32,882 I'm gonna... what? 238 00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:38,721 The food is exquisite! 239 00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:42,683 And the view is... beautiful... 240 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,226 inspirational... 241 00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:47,855 nauseating. (groans) 242 00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:52,443 Hey, Homer! Great call on that chicken place! 243 00:10:52,526 --> 00:10:54,278 And on that rib place! 244 00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:56,072 I never knew everything was so good! 245 00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:00,242 Look, Marge. I'm making a difference 246 00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:01,702 in people's lives. 247 00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:04,955 Yes, Simpson, your love of food is contagious. 248 00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:06,957 I've never felt jollier. (cracking) 249 00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,794 Ooh! There go my shin bones again. 250 00:11:15,299 --> 00:11:16,550 Hey, Homer! Come here. 251 00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:18,552 (gasps) Are you gonna fire me 252 00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,096 for swiping office supplies? 253 00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:21,764 -No. -Whew! 254 00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:24,600 (clacking) 255 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,228 Some of your fellow critics wanted to meet you. 256 00:11:27,311 --> 00:11:30,147 This is Garth Trelawney, TV critic. 257 00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:33,359 Why, you-- you made them cancel Platypus Man... 258 00:11:33,442 --> 00:11:34,443 Homer! 259 00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,070 This is our theater critic, 260 00:11:36,153 --> 00:11:37,780 Daphne Beaumont. 261 00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,198 ...and the Cosby Mysteries! 262 00:11:39,281 --> 00:11:41,158 That show had limitless possibilities! 263 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,327 -Homer, please! -Sorry. 264 00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:45,663 Jamie Killday, farm supply critic. 265 00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:47,665 Just got back from the Gopher Poison show 266 00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:50,126 in Paris. Let me tell you something, people. 267 00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:53,129 The days of clubbing them with a baseball bat are over! 268 00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:54,755 For you, perhaps. 269 00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,590 Listen, we've been meaning to have a talk 270 00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:58,008 with you about your reviews. 271 00:11:58,092 --> 00:12:00,344 Everything's a rave! Nine thumbs up? 272 00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:01,721 What the hell is that? 273 00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:03,723 {\an8}I've given out my share of bad reviews. 274 00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:05,558 Oh! The only bad review you gave was 275 00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:07,685 to a slice of pizza you found under the couch. 276 00:12:07,768 --> 00:12:10,146 It lost some points 'cause it had a hot wheel on it. 277 00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:11,897 Oh, good Lord, man. You're a critic! 278 00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,566 You don't have to like everything, 279 00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:15,985 e.g., my latest review. (clears throat) 280 00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:17,695 "We see John Deere has come out 281 00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:19,739 with this year's line of rototillers. 282 00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:22,366 Surprise, surprise, they're green! 283 00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:25,953 I say it's time to send John Deere a 'Dear John."' 284 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:30,124 -Oh, that's classic! -You don't have to patronize me. 285 00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:31,584 Aaa-- okay. 286 00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:35,671 Lord, thy daughters... 287 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:39,008 Goneril, Regan and Cordelia. 288 00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:42,136 What is this, merry old England or petticoat junction? 289 00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:43,763 (laughing) 290 00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:44,847 (audience boos, hisses, heckles) 291 00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:46,390 (groaning) 292 00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,142 Hey! Lighten up. It's a comedy. 293 00:12:48,225 --> 00:12:50,227 -No, it's not. -It's not? 294 00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:52,146 (groans) 295 00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:56,692 Hmm. This pea soup is as weak as the acting 296 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,652 and nowhere near as hammy. 297 00:12:59,236 --> 00:13:01,155 Dad! That's so mean! 298 00:13:01,238 --> 00:13:02,907 The other critics told me to be mean, 299 00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:05,242 and you should always give in to peer pressure. 300 00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:07,161 But what if someone bad tells me to-- 301 00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:08,162 Always! 302 00:13:08,245 --> 00:13:09,413 {\an8}Huh? Huh? 303 00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:11,582 {\an8}Whoa! This material stinks! 304 00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:13,667 I'm gonna have to punch it up on the fly. 305 00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:15,961 Oh, I got one! How do you make a King Lear? 306 00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,880 Put the queen in a bikini! 307 00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:19,507 -(chuckles, groans) -(audience boos) 308 00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:21,926 Here's another one. Knock, knock. Who's there? 309 00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:23,677 "Juliet." "Juliet who?" 310 00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:26,180 Juliet so much pasta fazool, 311 00:13:26,263 --> 00:13:28,432 Romeo doesn't want her anymore! 312 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,893 -(laughing) -(booing continues) 313 00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:34,814 Whoa, tough crowd! They're booing Shakespeare! 314 00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:40,569 (chomping) 315 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,071 Uh, not bad... 316 00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:45,032 if lasagna is Italian for "pile of puke"! 317 00:13:45,449 --> 00:13:47,701 Aah! I chopp-a you good! 318 00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:48,994 (shouts in foreign language) 319 00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:51,080 Well, I hope you cut me better 320 00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:53,207 than you did these string beans. 321 00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:57,419 Hmm. I seem to be missing a piece of my ear. Touché. 322 00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:01,298 Who wants pork chops? 323 00:14:04,301 --> 00:14:05,302 Mmm. 324 00:14:06,428 --> 00:14:07,555 Sorry, Marge. 325 00:14:07,638 --> 00:14:09,348 I'm afraid this gets my lowest 326 00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:12,101 rating ever! Seven thumbs up. 327 00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:15,062 You always liked my pork chops. 328 00:14:15,145 --> 00:14:17,022 Marge, I'm sorry, but your cooking's 329 00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:18,649 only got two moves... 330 00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:21,068 shake and bake. 331 00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:22,611 You like shake 'n bake! 332 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:24,113 You used to put it in your coffee! 333 00:14:24,196 --> 00:14:25,739 People change, Marge. 334 00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:27,825 My palate has grown more sophisticated. 335 00:14:27,908 --> 00:14:30,160 Oh, yeah? What's a palate? 336 00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:33,330 Oh, it's a... 337 00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:36,166 special time in a boy's life when-- 338 00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,626 -Gotta go! -(chair scraping) 339 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,420 So come to The Legless Frog... 340 00:14:39,503 --> 00:14:41,297 if you want to get sick and die 341 00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:43,841 and leave a big, garlicky corpse! 342 00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:45,175 P.S., parking was ample. 343 00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:48,762 {\an8}Dad, you're being cruel for no reason. What will people think? 344 00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:50,890 People will think what I tell them to think, 345 00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:52,600 when you tell me what to tell them to think. 346 00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:55,019 {\an8}Not anymore. I don't want to be partners 347 00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:57,438 {\an8}with a man who thinks like that. 348 00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:59,607 Nobody talks to me that way! I'm Homer Simpson, 349 00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:02,234 the most powerful food critic in town, 350 00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:04,320 who will never get his comeuppance! 351 00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:07,239 You hear me? No comeuppance! 352 00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:09,074 We'll be right back. 353 00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:14,038 I don't need Lisa to write a good review. 354 00:15:14,121 --> 00:15:17,249 The food at The Gilded Truffle really... 355 00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:18,792 uh-what's a good word? 356 00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:19,919 (sucking) 357 00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:21,378 Sucks! That's great! 358 00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:25,215 And the bread was really... 359 00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:26,592 Come on! Help me out here! 360 00:15:26,675 --> 00:15:28,218 -Ruff! -Rough? 361 00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:30,721 I don't know. You've been pitchin' that all night. 362 00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:32,765 -Chewy? -Chewy! 363 00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:34,475 That's inspired! 364 00:15:37,686 --> 00:15:40,230 {\an8}Homer, what gives with this review? 365 00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:42,775 {\an8}You say "the salad tastes like bark" 366 00:15:42,858 --> 00:15:45,778 {\an8}and the potatoes were very "grrrrr!" 367 00:15:45,861 --> 00:15:47,780 This reads like it was written by a dog. 368 00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:50,366 Are you crazy? A dog can't type. 369 00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:51,575 (mutters) Unfortunately. 370 00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:54,703 Listen, you gotta shape up! Next week 371 00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:57,122 is the Taste of Springfield festival. 372 00:15:57,206 --> 00:16:00,000 You'll be reviewing every restaurant in town. 373 00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:02,670 Remember, people have certain expectations 374 00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:04,004 about the "Life Ways" section. 375 00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:05,381 Really? Like what? 376 00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:07,383 Oh, I don't know. 377 00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:11,762 Astrology, Broom-Hilda , vacation horror stories , 378 00:16:11,845 --> 00:16:14,223 articles about chronic fatigue syndrome... 379 00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:15,933 you know, chick crap. 380 00:16:16,016 --> 00:16:18,018 (angry muttering) 381 00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:21,563 Homer, he's outta control. He gave me a bad review! 382 00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:24,400 So, my friend put a horse head on his bed. 383 00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:26,777 He ate the head and gave it a bad review! 384 00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:27,861 True story. 385 00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,488 Arr, well, I've had it with Homer! 386 00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:32,908 His bad reviews are sinkin' our businesses. 387 00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,202 Then, why did you put yours in the window? 388 00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:39,832 Arr, it covered up the "D" from the health inspector. 389 00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:43,127 Well, I say we ban Homer from our restaurants. 390 00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:45,337 No. That would be impolite. 391 00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:46,588 I say we kill him! 392 00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:47,923 Now, hold on a minute. 393 00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:50,592 Are we restauranteurs, or are we murderers? 394 00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:52,636 Does that answer your question? 395 00:16:54,638 --> 00:16:58,350 We'll kill him at The Taste of Springfield festival. 396 00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:00,561 We'll give Homer all he can eat, 397 00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:02,354 till he can eat no more. 398 00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:05,607 Then, he'll get his just dessert. 399 00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:10,946 This will be Homer Simpson's last lagniappe. 400 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,115 Come on! You're gonna kill him with a pastry? 401 00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:15,701 I've seen this man eat a bowl of change. 402 00:17:15,784 --> 00:17:18,787 This eclair has over one million calories. 403 00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:22,249 Twenty-five pounds of butter per square inch. 404 00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:23,876 -(all moan) -Covered with chocolate 405 00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:27,296 so dark, light cannot escape its surface. 406 00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:28,964 (clamoring) 407 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,090 No, no, no! 408 00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:31,633 This is just a picture. 409 00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:34,470 But Homer Simpson will find the real thing 410 00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:37,473 both delicious and deadly. 411 00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:40,517 Ah, yes! Death by chocolate. 412 00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:42,895 (laughs) Oh. 413 00:17:42,978 --> 00:17:44,855 And poison. I'll stick in some poison. 414 00:17:44,938 --> 00:17:48,275 (all laughing) 415 00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:54,823 Homie, my woman's intuition's acting u 416 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,868 Something bad's going to happen if you go in there. 417 00:17:57,951 --> 00:18:00,245 Oh, Marge, something bad usually happens to me 418 00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:01,747 when I go in anywhere. 419 00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:03,290 (whistling) 420 00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:06,168 -D'oh! Ohh! (grunting) -(bat squealing) 421 00:18:06,251 --> 00:18:08,170 A bat. Now, that's a new one! 422 00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:10,339 So what are you up to, young lady? 423 00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:13,175 I'm reviewing the festival for our school paper. 424 00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:17,054 Oh. Well, I'm glad to see my ex-partner 425 00:18:17,137 --> 00:18:19,348 is doing so well without me. 426 00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:20,557 (groans) 427 00:18:38,492 --> 00:18:40,452 (chomping) 428 00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:41,537 Pedestrian. 429 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:44,957 Uninspired. 430 00:18:46,625 --> 00:18:47,626 I didn't say stop. 431 00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:51,130 Lard ho! 432 00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:53,090 Arr, 'tis a good sign. 433 00:18:53,173 --> 00:18:56,093 Homer's unfastened the top button on his pants. 434 00:18:56,176 --> 00:18:59,429 Uh, no, he's been walking around like that since Thanksgiving. 435 00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:01,640 I'm surprised he just doesn't give it up 436 00:19:01,723 --> 00:19:02,933 and go for sweat pants. 437 00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:06,228 He says the crotch wears out too fast. 438 00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:10,023 Yarrr! That's gonna replace the whale in my nightmares! 439 00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:11,608 Well, don't worry. 440 00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:13,652 The giant eclair will knock 441 00:19:13,735 --> 00:19:15,696 Homer off the food page 442 00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:18,240 and into the obituaries. 443 00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:20,367 (both laughing) 444 00:19:23,203 --> 00:19:25,122 Wait a minute. They're gonna kill Dad! 445 00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:36,008 Ooh! 446 00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:41,138 Oh, that's a spicy meat-ball! 447 00:19:41,221 --> 00:19:43,223 So if we don't find Dad, this crazy French guy 448 00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:44,808 -is gonna kill him! -(sighs) 449 00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:47,144 Only your father could take a part-time job 450 00:19:47,227 --> 00:19:49,021 at a small-town paper and wind up 451 00:19:49,104 --> 00:19:51,565 the target of international assassins. 452 00:19:51,648 --> 00:19:53,442 We can find him faster by splitting up. 453 00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:55,527 You take fried foods, you take salty snacks, 454 00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:57,154 I'll take desserts. Break! 455 00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:02,451 Ohh! So full. 456 00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:04,286 Belly button moving from 457 00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:07,331 innie to... (creaking) outie! 458 00:20:09,082 --> 00:20:13,295 (chomping, smacking) 459 00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:18,300 Ooh, that looks scrumdiddly-doodly-duddley-- 460 00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:19,968 -Get lost! -A rude Frenchman? 461 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,762 Well, I never! 462 00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:25,098 (gasps) Ooh! Sweet! 463 00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:26,850 (smacking lips) 464 00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:28,393 (panting) 465 00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:29,770 Ooh! (chuckles) 466 00:20:32,481 --> 00:20:33,690 Dad, no! 467 00:20:36,109 --> 00:20:37,986 It's gonna kill you! 468 00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:40,239 Ehh, I've had a good run. 469 00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:43,450 (grunting) Don't, uh-- 470 00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:46,119 Um, it's low-fat! 471 00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:48,538 No! 472 00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:53,335 Whew! That was close. Thank God 473 00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:55,045 it landed in that smoking crater! 474 00:20:55,128 --> 00:20:57,339 (humming "La Marseillaise") 475 00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:59,925 -Huh? -Take him into custardy, boys! 476 00:21:00,008 --> 00:21:02,386 Hah! Attempted murder one. 477 00:21:03,053 --> 00:21:05,931 Now, boys, what would you say to some Belgian waffles? 478 00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:08,058 Actually, I was in the mood for some frittatas. 479 00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:10,143 Ha! Lou and his frittatas! 480 00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:12,688 (laughing) 481 00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:14,648 Frittatas! Ha-ha! 482 00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:15,983 Oh, he likes eggs. 483 00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:18,402 Oh, Lisa, you saved me! 484 00:21:18,485 --> 00:21:21,405 And after all the bad things I said about you. 485 00:21:21,488 --> 00:21:23,365 What bad things? Why? 486 00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:27,661 Oh, Lisa, the important thing is I didn't get my comeuppance, 487 00:21:27,744 --> 00:21:29,371 and I never will. 488 00:21:32,749 --> 00:21:34,793 Uh, Dad? 489 00:21:34,876 --> 00:21:36,044 I know, honey. 490 00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:38,255 The important thing is... run! 491 00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:40,674 -(elephants trumpeting) -(all shouting) 492 00:21:40,757 --> 00:21:43,343 -(Homer groaning, whimpering) -(blows landing) 493 00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:45,721 HOMER: I'm finally getting my comeuppance! 494 00:21:52,436 --> 00:21:54,604 (theme music playing) 495 00:22:26,219 --> 00:22:27,137 Shh! 496 00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:32,517 {\an8}Captioned by Visual Data Media Services