(theme music playing)
CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(bell ringing)
(whistle blows)
(beeping)
(playing the blues)
(honking horn)
D'oh! (screams)
(tires screeching)
(alarm clock buzzing)
Snooze. Need more snooze.
(mumbling)
(yawning) Mmm...
-(alarm buzzing) -Ahhh!
Num-num, Maggie. Num-num.
Did somebody say "num-num"?
(groans) I can't get Maggie to eat.
Maybe if you try...
Oh, I'm 26 hours late for work. No time for Maggie.
Ooh, Where's Waldo! No. No.
This would be a lot easier without all these people.
Nope. Nope. (gasps) It's there! Oh. Nope.
-Homer! -Waldo, where are you?
(Homer moans)
DEEJAY: And it is a nightmare out there on the freeways today
with surface streets jammed
and the sidewalks filled with pushy New Yorkers.
Hey! How'd you like a Details magazine up the wazoo?
(frustrated groan)
(siren wailing)
HOMER: Oh, sure, single me out.
All right, smart guy, where's the fire?
Over there.
(fire alarm ringing)
OK, you just bought yourself a 3-17,
pointing out police stupidity.
Or is that a 3-14?
Nah, nah, 3-14 is a dog, uh, in...
No, or is that a 3-15? You're in trouble, pal.
(crow caws)
(panting and chuckles)
I'd hate to see the look on old Burnsie's face
If he knew I was just getting in. (chuckling)
(clearing throat)
Hmm... who is that?
Big, ugly nose,
bald, liver spot, liver spot. Hmm...
(clearing throat)
-(cash register ringing) -Turn around, Simpson.
(screams) No! I can't get in trouble
If I can't see you.
I'm afraid he's got us, sir.
(screams)
(crying hysterically)
(panting and sighs)
Safe in the core, and now...
(gagging)
Don't forget the leg protectors, sir.
Ah, yes.
(gagging) Ow! (yelps) Ow!
I knew I had those installed for a reason.
-(grunting) -(yelling and gagging)
Aw, this is the worst day ever.
Hey, Homer, what gives?
Mr. Burns is making me eat all these drums of toxic waste.
Geez, that's rough.
There must be 200, 300 gallons in here.
Yeah, and even a teaspoon could cause a fatal tumor.
Hey, you want to come bowling with us tonight?
OK.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Homer? Where are you?
You promised you were going to have a tea party with Maggie.
HOMER: Oh, Marge, I'm sorry. I can't make it.
A cooling tank just blew
and they're taking Lenny to the hospital.
Oh, no, not Lenny!
Not Lenny!
Yeah, so I'm going to have to work late
instead of seeing you and the kids,
which is what I really want.
OK. Sure.
Kids, turn off the TV.
I have some bad news about Lenny.
BOTH: Not Lenny!
(laughing)
Hey, Carl, check out the overhead scoreboard.
(both laughing)
"Poo." Uh, Homer,
what wacky name do you want?
Are "poo" and "ass" taken?
-Yeah. -Damn!
Could my life get any worse?
Simpson! Ugh!
Even for a bowler, you're fat!
Hey, guys, is it normal
to see Burns's face on a bowling ball?
Uh, actually, I'd say you're having
a severe psychotic episode.
Aw, what a rotten day!
(grunts)
Wow, a strike.
Hey, if that's psychotic, then why am I taking these?
(groans) You're polishing bone!
Hey, Homer, that's four strikes in a row.
You've got a perfect game going!
-Really? -Careful what you say, Lenny.
-You'll jinx it. -Oh, right. Sorry.
LENNY: Miss! Miss!
Sorry, I was calling the waitress.
Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke.
-Lenny... -What?
I paid $7.10 for this split.
Will you at least call it a banana split, you dumbwad?
Hey, spare me your gutter mouth.
(groans) Ow!
Practice ball, practice ball.
Real, real, real, real, real!
Whoo-hoo!
Kids, today we have to talk about
Krusty brand Chew Goo gum-like substance.
We knew it contained spider eggs,
but the hantavirus,
well, that really came out of left field.
So, if any of you have experienced
numbness or comas, send proof of purchase
and five dollars to "Antidote, P.O. Box 14...
This is Kent Brockman, live from Barney's Bowlarama
where local pinhead Homer Simpson
Is on the verge of a perfect game.
Hey, there was no accident at the plant.
Dad just wanted to go bowling.
He shouldn't have deceived me,
but I'm just so relieved Lenny's OK.
This could be the greatest individual achievement
In the history of Springfield,
which proves just how pitiful this town is.
(scoffing) Morons.
CROWD (chanting): Homer! Homer!
Homer!
(cheering)
Whoo-hoo! I'm ten pins away from perfection!
Now, listen, your father really needs to concentrate,
so we'll just stay here and not disturb him.
Why won't they come over?
I'm so lonely.
This is it, folks, the ball that will determine
whether Homer Simpson rolls a perfect game
or a pathetic two-ninety-something.
(mumbling)
(chuckles) What's wrong, Abe?
This is as fast as I can move.
Get down, get down.
Whoo-hoo! This is the greatest day of my life!
MAN: Ow!
(all cheering)
You did it, Homey.
In your face, to-do list!
(crowd chanting) Homer, Homer, Homer...
Thank you. Thank you.
But there was someone else with me on that alley.
I'm talking about the big man,
Carl.
Aw, can the corn, bonehead.
(Marge scoffs)
Children, today's local hero is Homer Simpson.
(cheering)
Mr. Simpson bowled a perfect game
without the aid of steroids, crack, angel dust
or the other narcotics
that are synonymous with pro bowling.
Thank you, Bart's teacher.
You know, kids, my teachers said
I would never amount to anything.
And until last week, they were dead right.
But now I've achieved perfection.
Hmm...
Any questions?
Yes, Bart's weird friend.
Will you be my dad?
(laughs) You've got a father.
He's just a dud. Next question.
Yes, the girl Bart has a crush on.
(groans)
Do you think I could grow up to be a doctor?
Hey, this was supposed to be about me.
Now, any other questions? Pumpkin face?
Head gear? Chicken pox?
Smelly? Lazy eye? Spiky head?
OK, class dismissed. Rock on!
(cheering)
Want to split the birthday cupcakes?
ANNOUNCER: Live from Shelbyville,
It's the Springfield Squares
featuring our new center square,
Homer "perfect game" Simpson.
Hey. Hi, Ron. (grunting)
There's a stairway, dumbass.
(laughs) OK, we'll start with our returning champion,
Disco Stu.
Disco Stu's going to groove up some dough playing tic-tac-toe.
Stu, we like to downplay the resemblance to tic-tac-toe.
I can dig it. Hit me with the center square.
-KENT BROCKMAN: Uh, Homer. -Yes, Kent?
According to Redbook magazine,
what is the speed of light?
Well, that... (stammering) Wait, uh...
Do I read from the sheet labeled "jokes" or "answers"?
Oh, for the love of-- Stop tape.
Make me center square, Kent.
I'm ready. I can handle it.
Dream on, Drunky.
Oh, that's it.
You're going down. Ugh!
(gagging)
Stop it, you two. You're making Scratchy cry.
Oh, we've got to stop putting these flavors of the month on.
-Flavor of the month? Me? -Yeah, Homer.
You can't just ride one accomplishment forever.
Why do you think I stopped acting
and became a director?
I don't know.
Because you weren't cute anymore?
Hmm... I'll agree.
Circle gets the square. Good night, everyone.
(gagging)
Now, before my partner, Teller, hits the shark-infested water
I'll need to borrow someone's crossbow.
I only need one.
Now, to save my partner's life,
-I'll need complete-- -HOMER: Hello, everybody.
Did somebody say a perfect game?
You idiot. You'll ruin everything.
I'm doing a walk-on.
It's a show business thing.
So, how are you all doing?
Let's see, what's in the news today?
Will you shut up?
Hey, I thought you never talked.
Uh... I didn't mean to. (chuckles nervously)
It just slipped out.
Oh, God. Now Penn's going to beat me.
(laughs) Folks, it's all part of the act.
No, it isn't.
Don't leave me alone with him.
You've ruined the act. I'm going to kill you.
He'll do it. I'm not the first Teller.
Remember, Springfield, keep on swinging.
Hey, come here. I... I just want to talk to you.
Come here! Come here!
Ooh, ooh... Guys?
Remember, in the whole world, there's nobody like you.
You're special.
♪ So special ♪
That's right. You are. (giggling)
HOMER: Hey, everybody.
I'm going to be on TV again.
(moaning)
That's right.
You've got a special daddy.
Burt Reynolds apologized to the Pope
and promised to replace the windshield.
Burt Reynolds, class act.
Well, now for our weekly segment, "Yesterday's News"
featuring Homer Simpson.
Are you as bored as I am with the antics
of this warmed-over Fred Flintstone?
I say it's time to put this one-trick pony
out to stud.
Whoo-hoo! First stop, Maude Flanders.
-Homer! -But she said I--
Dad, what she's saying is,
you've had your moment in the sun
and now it's time for you to gracefully step aside.
Lisa, I know what's going on here.
They did it to Jesus
and now they're doing it to me.
Are you comparing yourself to our Lord?
Well, in bowling ability.
Sweet bowling alley balloon.
You're my only friend.
(gagging and coughing)
What was that about?
Marge, has my life peaked?
Oh, Homey, is that what's bothering you?
Mmm-hmm.
Well, the one sure cure for the blues
is to talk it over with your life partner.
You're right.
I can't believe it, Moe.
The greatest feat of my life is already forgotten.
Geez, Homer, I've never seen you so depressed.
As your life partner, I'm very worried.
Save your tears, Moe.
Save 'em in a shot glass
for someone who still has a shred of hope.
A shred of what? I'm sorry,
I was counting the cocktail radishes.
-(sighs) -Now where was I?
Uh, two, three...
Three radishes. Three big radishes.
("The End" by The Doors playing)
♪ This is the end ♪
♪ Beautiful friend ♪
(singing) ♪ This is the end ♪
♪ My only friend, the end ♪
♪ Weird scenes inside the gold mine... ♪
(elevator dings)
(sighs)
Well, world, this is it.
You know, I always thought you'd die before me.
Now, as I prepare my soul
for an eternity of fire and poking--
Yeah, less chat, more splat, pal.
(screaming)
Hey, Mr. S. I didn't know you bungeed.
I want to live!
No, no! You're too heavy!
HOMER: It's a glandular problem!
(both screaming)
Ooh, Morlocks.
Chuds.
Mole people!
There is no escape from the fortress of the moles.
Well, except that.
-Ow! -(lid tumbling)
Oh, Lord. You saved me.
I guess you had some higher purpose in mind.
(car brakes skidding)
Hey! Look out!
Oh. Dumbass.
You trying to get yourself killed?
Not anymore, Ron.
Now I'm looking for something to dedicate my life to.
Something noble, but easy.
Daddy, stop talking to that bum.
Look, I'd love to help you out, Homer,
but I'm taking my kids to the zoo.
That's great.
Even big stars take their kids to the zoo.
Well, it's a different zoo
containing animals you've never heard of.
Daddy, we're missing the fantastipotamus!
She only sings twice a day!
That's it!
Kids are the answer.
I'll dedicate my life to my children.
Really? You have children?
Aw, well, look. Here's some money.
No. I don't want your pity or your money.
Usually when you say that,
you give the money back.
-I do what now? -Yoink.
Listen, boy.
I was wondering if you could use
a little more fatherly attention.
No need, Dad. Over the years,
I've learned to find father figures
wherever I can. Construction workers,
the Internet, and Nelson here.
If you tie a string around your finger real tight,
you can make it turn purple.
I can see I'm not needed here.
Lisa, honey.
Do you need any help with your homework?
Sure. You can help me find three words
where "Y" is the vowel.
I've been so blind.
I'll lavish my attention on Maggie,
the forgotten Simpson.
(in sing-song voice) Maggie.
It's me, Daddy.
Daddy's going to spend a lot more time with you.
Yes, he is!
(speaking goofy gibberish)
(speaking sinister gibberish)
Where's Maggie?
Hey, where is she?
There you are.
Hi, Maggie.
I'm Homey-womey, the Teletubby.
And I'm all man, in case you heard otherwise.
Let's see what's on tummyvision.
Ow! Oh, that hurts!
(Homer moaning)
Whee!
Don't be scared, Maggie.
Daddy won't drop you.
(pulley squeaking)
You're a tough cookie, Maggie, but I'm going to win you over,
just like I did with Lisa.
Hi, honey.
OK, dads.
This is where your child's trust in you
really pays off.
D'oh!
ALL: Come on. Come on.
Come on, Maggie. You can trust me.
Come to daddy!
(grunting baby-talk gibberish)
(sinister grunting)
Oh.
I'm sorry, Maggie.
I never realized things between us
had gotten this bad.
What are you pointing at?
The ocean?
That's a great idea! We'll swim in the ocean!
See, Maggie?
The ocean is just like a bathtub.
Except instead of rubber duckies,
it has barracudas and moray eels.
(chuckles)
(screaming)
Nothing to worry about. Just a little wave.
And this riptide is certainly
nothing Daddy can't struggle against.
Help! Help!
Somebody help!
(gurgling) Current... too strong.
I know. If I sink to the bottom, I can run to the shore.
(inhales)
(gasping) Maggie, call Aquaman!
(gurgling)
(gagging and coughing)
Maggie, you're swimming!
You swam out to save me!
Oh, you do love me!
Mr. Simpson, you're going to be fine.
Although you do seem to have swallowed
a number of shark eggs.
Actually, that was before I went in the ocean.
Well, I don't want to pry into your personal life--
-Then don't. -Doctor, how could a little baby
save a full-grown man from drowning?
(laughs) It's quite simple.
When a parent's life is in danger,
a child can summon superhuman strength.
And all I care about
is that my little girl loves me.
Oh. And we're going to spend
a lot more time together from now on.
(ball striking pins)
(ball rolling slowly)
Good girl, Maggie!
You knocked down all the pins!
But you stepped over the line just a little bit.
So I'll have to give you a five.
And that gives you a final score of... 295.
Looks like Daddy won.
But 295 is awfully good for a baby.
Yes, it is. It's very good, and you're a good little baby.
Yes, you are!
(laughing)
(baby talk)
(content hum)
(theme music playing)
Shh!
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services