CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(theme music playing)
(bell ringing)
(whistle blows)
(beeping)
(playing the blues)
(honking horn)
(tires screeching)
D'oh! (screams)
HOMER (grunting): Give me a hand.
Our top story, the ozone hole
that devastated Brazil last summer
is apparently wintering in Springfield.
Whoo! Springfield rocks!
Residents are advised to stay inside
unless you wear sunscreen or are very, very hairy.
Experts recommend a class-nine
or Robin Williams level of hair coverage.
MILHOUSE: Help, somebody!
Oh!
(screaming)
Let me in, for the love of...
-(grunting) -Are you OK?
MILHOUSE (nonchalantly): I've been better.
Oh, I am so bored.
Oh, I can't wait till we're teenagers. Then we'll be happy.
Well, we could play Clam Traffic Jam
or The Game of County Seats.
Aw, the zoning disc is warped.
All right! Silly string!
Look, you're Milhouse.
Who wets their bed now, Milhouse?
(laughs)
Ugh. I'll be in my room.
BART: There's got to be something fun
in my parents' closet.
Want to dress up like ladies?
Uh, wouldn't that make us kind of... fruity?
What's the matter? Scared you might like it?
I'll show you who's scared.
Oh, wow, this really hides my thighs. (growls lewdly)
(both laughing)
BOTH: ♪ Sisters are doing it for themselves ♪
-(knocking on door) -HOMER: Hey, why is this door locked?
Oh, no, it's Dad!
(grunts)
(groaning)
(gasps)
What's going on?
And I want a non-gay explanation.
Uh, we're drunk,
really drunk.
Oh, thank God.
(groans)
-Clear. -(screams)
Why are you doing that?
Oh. It's good for the batteries.
Now, I'm afraid your son has cracked his coccyx.
(all laughing)
I'm sorry. How long will he take to recover?
He'll have to wear this fanny cast for quite some time.
But don't worry, son. It fits snugly under your clothes.
Do all these people have to watch me?
Now, son, this is a teaching hospital
which is why I equipped the seat of your cast
with a viewing window.
Oh, my. Now, that's something.
He should exercise more.
(grunting) Oh!
Uh, little help?
SKINNER: Bart, stop fooling around.
Principal Skinner, I thought public schools
were required to have access ramps for the disabled.
Technically, yes, but the building costs would be astronomical.
Did I hear the world "astronomical"?
If so, my construction outfit,
Valdazzo Brothers Olive Oil, is poised to help.
No, no, no, no. We're not building anything.
How can you say that
when construction has already begun?
-(tires screech) -(power drill clattering)
How did those trucks get here so fast?
In order to avoid certain "legal complications,"
the trucks are always rolling.
Now for the groundbreaking ceremony.
(shutter clicks)
Good lord, do we really need all those ramps?
Who's to say?
Does a peacock need all those feathers?
Look, you're getting a little philosophical for me.
I suppose so. They say it happens in the autumn years.
Be that as it may...
Get your hand off my car.
This is a proud day.
Now when people ask if we're in compliance
with the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975,
I can say we are closer than ever before!
(all cheering)
Thank you. To inaugurate our ramp system,
here's the first of what I hope
will be many disabled students, Bart Simpson.
-I'm proud of you, boy. -What the...
-Bart, where's your wheelchair? -Don't need it any more.
Doctor says my butt bone's stronger than ever.
(grunting) Ta-da!
-(weak applause) -MAN: That's interesting.
Well, at least we're prepared for the new millennium.
By God, the whole thing's made of bread sticks!
And paint and shellac.
It's all itemized in this bill.
$200,000? Are you mad?
I don't get mad. I get stabby.
The good news is we need no longer fear
vicious mob reprisals.
(honking horn)
But due to lack of funds,
Springfield Elementary is closed forever.
ALL: Yay!
Oh, you're cheering now, but someday you'll--
ALL: Yay!
I'm just going to stop trying.
ALL: Yay!
-How could you close the school? -What will become of our kids?
-Where are the refreshments? -Now, you keep asking me that
and I keep telling you "over there."
(clears throat) As for the school, we're exploring various options
to raise the $200,000 we need.
I've got a motor home I never use.
Maybe we should raffle it off.
Maybe you should shut up.
Well, I... OK.
We could try selling liquor.
I'm doing great.
Please, sir, put some shoes on.
What? You don't like my bags?
People, these are all good ideas.
No, they're not. They're terrible, terrible ideas.
You're right. It's hopeless.
No one has that kind of money.
What about Mr. Burns?
Maybe he'll help us out.
Forget it. He releases the hounds
on every charity that comes to his door...
Feed The Children, Save The Whales,
even Release The Hounds.
Well, maybe we can pry open his wallet
with a slick, professional pitch. (snaps fingers)
A school play!
Welcome to the world premiere of...
The Nice Man Giveth.
Oh, focus!
It's a play, sir.
Hmm, which one of these is the salt?
Too bad I'm an idiot 'cause my school closed.
Oh, well.
No, that's the rat poison!
And freeze!
Now, who in Springfield will eat the poisoned broth?
Oh, it could be anyone,
even Mr. Burns.
This play really speaks to me.
(mimicking siren)
I can't take Mr. Burns to the (lisping) hotpital
'cause I'm too dumb to read a map.
Oh, why did my school have to close?
Hmm.
Hello, I'm Dr. Stupid.
I'm going to take out your liver bones.
(grunts) Oops, you're dead.
I never liked that Dr. Stupid.
Mr. Burns, I'll be honest. We had a hidden agenda tonight.
-(gasps) No! -The holiday season is approaching,
and these children need a school.
Charity, eh? Yes, I'd be more than happy...
(all screaming)
Oh, it's doing that thing again.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to
(speaking in Spanish)
(groans) Daytime TV is muy estupido.
-(static crackles) -Hey, our school's on TV.
Springfield Elementary has reopened its doors.
(both gasp)
I'm with Jim Hope
of Kid First Industries
which has generously stepped in
to educate our children.
That's right, Kent. You know,
when public schools drop the ball,
it's up to the private sector
to fall on that fumble
and run for the end zone.
Will you be replacing
the current teachers and administrators?
Very much so, Kent. But they've already received
an extremely generous severance package.
"Valencia?"
(scoffs) These are juice oranges!
Howdy, children. I'd like to welcome you back to school!
-ALL: Boo! -You know what? I agree.
-ALL: Wha... -Your old school was boring.
That's why it failed, right? Well, we're not going
to make you memorize facts and dates.
No, no, no.
I'm going to find out
what you really love in life
and teach to that.
What are you passionate about, partner?
-Boogers. -(all laughing)
"Boogers"! (laughs) That was great!
You know, humor is a sign of intelligence.
-You're not mad? -Hey, I'm here to make sure
that you get a kick out of education.
Hyah!
STUDENTS: Yay!
He's rekindled my love affair
with books.
(Bart grunting)
Check it out. I'm breaking books at a sixth-grade level.
-(grunts) -Get 'em, boy!
Hit those smart-ass books!
Why don't you kick some books, Lisa?
Bart broke all my books.
You know what our homework is?
Find a toy and bring it to class.
Boy, that sounds fun.
I know, but I'm still not going to do it.
Since Christmas is coming soon,
I thought we could talk about our favorite toys.
Milhouse, what have you got there?
My busy box.
It's got everything.
Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!
I'm calling Daddy.
Good for you. Not being bound
by the recommended age.
What are you talking about?
Oh, jeez!
How about the rest of you?
What do you like about those toys of yours?
They're special.
They're challenging.
(music playing backward)
Very good.
Now I want you all to imagine the perfect toy.
-What would it be like? -It should be soft and cuddly.
Yeah, with lots of firepower.
Its eyes should be telescopes.
No, periscopes.
No, microscopes!
Can you come back to me?
It should be full of surprises.
It should never stop dancing.
It should need accessories.
Now that's market research
you can take to the bank.
The money bank.
I just wish those second graders
would stop jerking us around.
-Fun toys are fun. -Well said, Ralph.
But we're trying to come up with a name for a toy.
-Mrs. Fun? -Not bad.
Fun?
Ralph, there are no right or wrong answers,
but if you don't pipe down, I'm giving you an "F."
The before teacher yelled at me, too.
No one's yelling.
We're just brainstorming names.
Lisa, any ideas?
Oh, a name with fun?
Um, fungus?
Funzo? Attila the fun?
Lisa, are you doing math?
Uh, just a few Venn diagrams.
There's more under her chair.
(chuckles)
Lisa in trouble.
Ha, the ironing is delicious.
-The word is "irony." -Huh?
Don't you think there's something weird going on here?
We spend all day selecting fabric swatches,
and then our guest speaker was Phil from marketing.
Alls I know is I'm getting straight As
and that ain't not bad.
(laughs)
That's not funny!
Huh? Oh.
(gasps)
They're spying on us.
Why would they do that?
-ROBOTIC VOICE: I see you. -(gasps)
Give me a hug.
(screams)
This better be important, Lisa.
I left Ralphie alone in the bathtub.
RALPH (on radio): Daddy, I'm ready to get out now.
Over.
This broom closet is not what it seems.
It's a secret surveillance room guarded by a tiny evil robot.
Ugh. Is this going to be like one of those horror movies
where we open the door and everything's normal
and we think you're crazy
but then there really is a killer robot
and the next morning you find me impaled on a weathervane?
Is that what this is, Lisa?
To be fair, not all evil robots are killers.
Listen, when you see what's inside this...
(gasps)
I don't understand. I could swear it was right here.
Yeah, right, mop top. And I'm Ed Sullivan.
(imitating Ed Sullivan) Really big shew...
No, no, I can do it better.
Really big shew, really big. That's it.
Well, folks, that's the end of Krusty's
nondenominational holiday fun fest.
I want to thank my guests
Tea Leoni...
Beck...
The Dixie Chicks...
ALL: Merry Christmas, y'all.
KRUSTY: ...and Patrick Ewing as the genie.
So have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, kwazy Kwanza,
a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan.
Now a word from my God, our sponsor.
ROBOTIC VOICE (singsongy): I see you.
Give me a hug.
Hah! That's the doll that attacked me.
TV ANNOUNCER: This Christmas, everybody wants Funzo.
Funzo? I said that name in class.
Funzo's soft and cuddly.
With lots of firepower.
-Aah! Ow -Yes!
(imitating Nelson) Haw haw!
ANNOUNCER: Funzo!
Funzo! Funzo!
If you don't have Funzo,
you're nothing.
Mom, I know what I want for Christmas.
Bart, they lied to us.
Instead of giving us an education,
they tricked us into designing a toy.
Aren't you outraged?
No, but if you're going to throw a spaz,
-I'll come with. -Good.
Saddle up the bikes.
Get down. Security guard.
Hey, it's Gary Coleman.
But the menu said "galaxy of prawns."
Three prawns are hardly a galaxy.
What do you mean your hands are tied? Let me talk to Mr. Kwan.
I want to see how this turns out.
The phone's not even plugged in.
All right, you listen to me, Kwan...
Hang on, I got another call.
Yes, Mr. President. I can be in Washington right away.
You people took advantage of trusting school children.
How did you get past Gary Coleman?
Let's just say he's a few prawns short of a galaxy.
(shouting)
I'm sorry, Gary. There's no longer a place for you here.
Whatchu talkin' about, Miss Naegle?
That is so adorable.
You're rehired.
Sucker. I knew exactly what she was talking about.
(snoring)
Lisa, I know you're mad, but just for a damn minute
try to see this from a product positioning standpoint.
Do you have any idea how much pressure we're under
to come up with the new Furby or Tickle Me Elmo?
And thanks to you, Funzo is the first doll designed by children
for children, with all the profits going to children.
Really?
Yeah, well, we're all somebody's children.
But, hey, we did screw you a little. So, here's a free Funzo.
-Deal. -Oh, brother.
And I want Funzo's Dream Fortress,
Funzo's Lower Back Pain Chair,
Funzo's European Voltage Converter...
Why not get three?
Ah, three, it is.
(snaps)
(whirring)
Thanks, Funzo. You rock.
All righty.
It's always a party with Funzo.
I admit it's kind of cute,
but it'll never take the place of Malibu Stacy.
(gasps) Did you see that?
Yeah. Funzo makes playtime fun.
Hey, kids, it's... (gagging)
Hey, why is it destroying other toys?
They must have programmed it to eliminate the competition.
-You mean like Microsoft? -Exactly.
Come on, Bart, we've got to warn everyone.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Boycott Funzo!
He's a toy-killing machine!
(chuckles) That shy little imp?
-I have a flower for 'oo. -ALL: Aww...
Oh, man, I got to get me one of those.
Hey, I'm not waiting till the store opens.
-(all shouting) -WOMAN: Get out of the way!
Wow. Only 22 seconds from muttering to door smash.
That projects to a profit of...
$370 million.
I'd still sleep a little easier if I saw some trampling.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey! Ow!
Now, why would you wear cleats to a store?
(glasses clink)
Well, I guess that's it.
Come Christmas eve, there'll be a Funzo
under every tree.
Unless...
-So, who am I beating up? -Nobody.
You're just going to break into everyone's house
and steal their favorite toy.
Thus saving Christmas.
Now, let's see, this will make three Christmases
I saved versus eight I ruined. Two were kind of a draw...
Dad, Dad, you're driving on the sidewalk.
-Sorry. -(cat yowls)
(doorbell chimes)
♪ Joy to the world ♪
♪ The lord is come ♪
♪ Let earth receive her king ♪
-♪ Let every... ♪ -Season's greetings.
Peace out.
(doorbell chimes)
(singing quietly) ♪ Silent night... ♪
(loud crash)
(singing loudly) ♪ Holy night ♪
-(Homer screaming) -♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
♪ Round... ♪
Alrighty!
(to the tune of "Tiny Bubbles") ♪ Writhing Funzos ♪
♪ In my sack ♪
♪ Makes me happy makes me hurt my back ♪
Just dump them in the fire, Dad.
Yes. The madness ends here.
Huh! If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.
(grunting)
I'm very mad at 'oo.
(groans)
(all gasping)
Well, what do we have here?
Looks like the biggest rip-off since Webster.
(yelps) Please, Mr. Coleman, we can explain.
I'm listening.
Your toy company is evil.
Well, isn't it possible
for an evil company to make people happy?
Are you saying the end justifies the means?
That's a very glib interpretation.
Hey, don't talk to my sister that way.
No, Bart, he's right.
I did oversimplify.
Perhaps, but let's not get bogged down in semantics.
I think what Lisa meant to say is...
NARRATOR: And so Gary Coleman and the Simpsons
argued long into the night...
and then, as day broke
the spirit of the season entered their hearts.
Let's just agree that the commercialization of Christmas
is at best a mixed blessing.
-Amen. -ALL: Yeah, amen. Amen. Amen.
Love!
Hey, look out! (shouting)
Well, there's something you don't see every Christmas.
Hey, it is Christmas.
We'd better get home.
Hey, Dad, what do you think of...
(whispering indistinctly)
Um, uh, Mr. Coleman, I've been thinking,
uh, my wife always makes too much stuffing
and sweet p'taters and all, and...
Oh, heck.
Would you like to spend Christmas with us?
No way. I'm having Christmas at George Clooney's house.
Gary.
All right, I'll come.
NARRATOR: And Gary Coleman was as good as his word.
As for old Mr. Burns, he was visited by three ghosts
during the night and agreed to fund the school
with some money he found in his tuxedo pants...
Thank you, thank you. Humbug.
NARRATOR: ...while Moe, seeing what the world would be like
if he had never been born
pulled his head out of the oven
ad replaced it with a plump Christmas goose.
Here, happy holidays there.
ALL: Merry Christmas, Moe.
Uh, listen, I kind of banged up the jeep in the driveway.
Whatchu talkin' about, Moe?
(all laughing)
Whatchu talkin' 'bout, everyone.
(theme music playing)
-(murmuring) -Shh!
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services