CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(theme music playing)
(bell ringing)
(whistle blows)
(beeping)
(playing the blues)
(horn honking)
(tires screeching)
D'oh! (screams)
(tires screeching)
(all yelling)
(playing "Stars and Stripes Forever")
♪ Those stars and stripes ♪
♪ Those crazy stripes ♪
♪ Let's end together ♪
Yay! (sighs)
You'll have to do a lot better than that,
especially since we've just been accepted
in the school band competition at the county fair!
I'm sorry. I mean the state fair.
(all cheering)
I hate to be a killjoy,
but do you really think we can win
playing "Stars and Stripes Forever"?
It's so beginner band
and we're advanced beginner band.
-This is band? -Very well, Lisa.
What rousing Sousa march would you have us play?
Well, I thought maybe, for once, we could play a song
that wasn't written by Sousa.
You mean something just arranged by Sousa?
No. Something fresh and bold.
Well, darling, you have lost me.
How about something cool, like "Camptown Races"?
Hey, Grandpa, the Civil War's over.
How about "Little Brown Jug"?
♪ Ya-ha-ha, hee-hee-hee ♪
♪ Little brown jug, how I love thee ♪
Oh! Stop with your devil music.
Lisa, this is all your fault.
Hey, the blond broad's got a point.
We need something with a little ring-a-ding-ding.
Take your arm off me.
Ooh! This kitten's got claws.
OK, we'll do a different song.
Who cares? They all end up sounding the same anyway.
What a fruit fly.
(country music playing)
Vietnam veteran.
Do you have a military ID?
ID? Man, Charlie didn't ask for ID
when I fought at La Choy and Chun King.
I saw my best friend's head explode at Margaret Cho.
Homer, give him the 50 cents.
Why should I?
Did my country give me a parade?
No, man! They spat at me and...
-Just go. -Thank you.
This closes the saddest chapter in American history.
I can't wait to do some shopping.
Look at all these innovative products.
Miracle shears.
Oh!
The drain bugger!
Huh?
Folks, how often have you opened your morning paper
only to have the rubber band fly off
and hit you right in the eye?
Never, but it's my number one concern.
Well, with the Omnigogs system
those worries are a thing of the past.
-Oh! -(gasping)
I'm all right, folks,
thanks to my Omnigogs!
(all cheering)
A little late for Lenny.
Who are those pleasant old men?
It's B.T.O.
They're Canada's answer to E.L.P.
Their big hit was "T.C.B."
That's how we talked in the '70s.
We didn't have a moment to spare.
Hello, Springfield!
(crowd cheering)
We're going to play all your old favorites.
But first, we'd like to dip into our new CD.
"Takin' Care Of Business"!
Don't worry, sir. We'll get to that one.
No talking! No new crap!
"Takin' Care Of Business" now!
♪ You get up every morning ♪
♪ From the alarm clock's warning ♪
♪ Take the 8:15 into the city... ♪
Get to the working overtime part!
-Unbelievable. -Dumb-ass.
♪ Working overtime... ♪
Work out!
(music continues)
♪ Baby, you ain't seen ♪
♪ Nothing yet ♪
Oh!
(music ends)
Play "Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet"!
We just did!
Whatever!
Be sure to stick around
for the battle of the elementary school bands.
Oh!
Homer, Lisa's in that.
I stand by my disappointed groan.
(playing "Living In America")
(cutting loose with a rousing solo)
(slurping)
(improvising)
Check out Lisa. She's a sax machine.
Makes me think I should have done something with my life.
Oh, well.
(music stops)
(cheering and applause)
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
This is what comptrolling is all about.
(judges exclaiming)
Anybody got a building permit?
'Cause we nailed it!
Way to blow, Lis!
That is the best version of "Living in America"
I've ever heard.
Third best for me.
Well, unless there's another band
I think we have a winner.
Oh, wait.
There is another band-- from Ogdenville.
Uh, please welcome the Ogdenville band.
(audience applauding)
(playing "Stars and Stripes Forever")
"Stars and Stripes Forever"?
Oh, man. They're toast.
(music ends)
(crowd cheering)
LISA: Oh! Glow Sticks?
But visual aids are against the rules.
Whoo, baby!
Well, it's not going to be easy
to pick a winner, but...
ALL: Ogdenville! Ogdenville!
But I think one school red, white and blue us all away!
-(gasps) Oh. -Hmm.
And the winner is... Ogdenville!
I hope you enjoy your plaque, cheater.
Well, I was going to give you
the good sportsmanship award,
but now I'm just going to be sick.
I can't believe those idiot judges
were impressed by glowing plastic tubes.
Look, Lisa!
It glows! Ooh.
Let's forget about the band contest
and just have fun at the state fair.
You mean state unfair.
Yeah, right, that's what I meant, Lisa.
-State unfair. -Zing!
See, Marge?
I told you they could deep fry my shirt.
I didn't say they couldn't. I said you shouldn't.
Step right up and see Duncan,
the Incredible Diving Horse!
I wish people would stop telling me to step right up.
(frightened neighing)
Looks like he's ready to dive, folks!
(whimpering)
(screaming)
(gasping)
(cheering)
Another incredible performance
by this water-loving wonder horse!
What's that, Duncan?
You say you want to dive again?
Well...
This is clearly a case of animal cruelty.
Uh, do you have a permit for that?
No problem, sir. It's in my car.
You got to stop being so trusting, Chief.
I'd rather let 1,000 guilty men go free
than chase after them.
All right, show's over, folks.
I'm afraid this horse is going
to the dog food factory.
Good luck getting a horse to eat dog food.
You can't do that to Duncan.
It's not his fault that his owner was a sleaze.
Look, I just want the horse
to have a good home or be food.
If you want to take him, fine with me.
Hmm.
Should the Simpsons get a horse?
Excuse me, but I believe
this family already had a horse
and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart
with hilarious consequences.
Anybody care what this guy thinks?
ALL: No!
Tunnel!
(neighs)
Oh, my. Oh.
It's going to cost us $500 a week to keep Duncan.
But he'll bring us joy, Marge--
unlike all your silly gewgaws.
At least you don't have to feed
any of the stuff I bought at the fair...
Well, except the mop.
(chomping)
Marge, your pro-mop, anti-horse agenda
has been clear for some time.
But don't worry, I have a way for Duncan to earn his keep.
(whinnying)
Mm, that's terrific, Duncan.
You're 10 for 10.
Now let's look in the rule book
and see if horses can play in the NFL.
D'oh!
He's a diving horse--
maybe he could dive for pearls.
Pearls, eh?
Breakfast is served.
(chomping)
(laughing)
-Hey, Dad? -Huh?
This horse is pretty fast.
Maybe we can race him.
Racehorse, eh?
(laughing)
Dear Mr. President...
What are you doing, Lisa?
Writing a letter to President Clinton
about that travesty of a band contest.
As a fellow sax player, I'm sure he'll be outraged.
Honey, don't get obsessed with that.
Focus on the good things--
like this fire extinguisher I got at the fair...
Mom, really it's... Hey, what are you doing?
It's the only fire extinguisher
endorsed by both Lynda Carter and George Foreman.
I wonder what would happen if they had a baby?
(laughing hysterically)
Dad, if we're going to race Duncan
shouldn't we hire a professional trainer?
Son, I learned everything I needed to know
from The Horse Whisperer.
Step one-- seduce a lonely housewife.
Ma'am.
Now for the actual horse whispering.
When the race starts, run really fast.
Aw, come on! Come on! There's got to a winner
on this floor somewhere.
Bingo!
Hey, let go, you lousy, stinkin'...
What?
You're...
beau-tee-full.
(thumping loudly)
Uh-oh. This is a serious medical problem.
Uh, I got to go.
Just once I'd like to ride clockwise.
Really? I thought I was the only one.
-(air horn blaring) -(whinnying)
Champion horse coming through.
-What the... -(air horn blaring)
Good horse. Here's one taco
and you'll get another when you win.
Hey, where do you get those metal dealies for his feet?
You mean horseshoes?
Hey, what's with the attitude? I just want some dealies.
You really think that horse can run a mile and a half?
He ran all the way here.
(playing "Call To Post")
You can do it, Duncan.
I don't care if your odds are...
five million to one? Oh...
Don't worry, boy.
I'll love you even if you don't win.
(snorting)
That horse better win
or we're taking a trip to the glue factory
and he won't get to come.
Yeah, that's a great tour,
but you can't see it all in one day.
-Hey, be quiet. -(bell rings)
TRACK ANNOUNCER: And away they go!
-Go, Duncan! -Go, number five!
-Go number five! -Do it for Lenny!
It's Chock Full o' Drugs,
followed closely by Stalker
with Old Levis fading fast.
What's this?
Number five, Duncan,
the horse no one expected to do anything
isn't doing anything!
He hasn't even left the starting gate!
Come on, boy. I know you're scared,
but you can do this.
I believe in you!
(neighing)
Would you look at this?
The straggler, Duncan,
has exploded out of the gate
and is making a big move!
He's showing more heart than any horse I've ever seen!
What a shame the race is already over.
(camera shutter clicking)
Hmm.
Cheer up, son.
I thought you looked
damn good out there.
Oh, wait.
You were number five?
Ew! You st...
Damn good.
(both laughing)
Duncan's really fast, Dad.
He was just intimidated by those other horses.
Well, he's not going to be intimidated anymore.
We're going to toughen him up.
Give him a new bad-ass attitude.
All those other horses will be shaking
in their horse dealies.
Hello. I'd like to speak to President Clinton, please.
I wrote to him, and he never wrote back.
No, I don't want Al Gore.
Lisa, you've got to learn that life isn't always fair.
Try to channel your disappointment
into something creative
like a sampler.
(screaming)
Is that Duncan?
Not anymore.
Ladies, say hello to...
MARGE: Furious D?
He's the bad boy of racing.
He's got attitude and bad-itude.
So show him some latitude
and you'll win his gratitude.
-Only in America. -Ew!
You used my bracelet for a nose ring!
Possessions are fleeting.
Why, look at that disgraceful beast.
Good lord.
What has become of the sport of kings?
Get bent.
(gasps)
That's my third monocle this week.
I simply must stop being so horrified.
So many horses.
I don't know who to vote for.
Can't I just bet that all the horses
will have a fun time?
Yeah, I think you want that line.
Whoa. He looks scary.
Yeah, I'm shaking in my silks.
-(shuddering) -(both laughing)
Don't listen to them, D. Just remember,
you've got a new persona.
A new per-so-na.
-(bell rings) -ANNOUNCER: And away they go.
(cheering)
OK, Lisa, I've got Furious D across the board
boxed with the three and the eight
and wheeled up and down.
Mom, I think you might be developing a gambling problem.
Hey, I'm watching you.
They're tightly bunched
as they round the far turn.
Wait a minute.
Hang on to your monocles
'cause Furious D
is closing like a horse possessed.
(yelling)
Ahh!
That's it, D. Don't let anyone push you around.
Be as bad as you want to be.
-And the winner-- Furious D. -(bell rings)
(snorting) (whinnying)
Oh, man, that horse don't take no guff from nobody.
-BOTH: Guff? -I mean, sh...
Whoo-hoo!
In your little faces!
(horn blaring)
♪ He's going the distance ♪
♪ He's going for speed ♪
(whinnying)
♪ Because he's racing and pacing ♪
♪ And plotting the course ♪
♪ He's fighting and biting ♪
♪ And riding on his horse ♪
♪ He's going the distance ♪
♪ Ah, ah ♪
Man, I got more trophies
than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined.
You're quite a trainer, Mr. Simpson.
Care to join us for a beer in the jockey's lounge?
I've been waiting all my life to hear that.
Hey, where'd you go?
Little man? (yelps)
(screaming)
What happened?
(giggling)
What is this place?
Welcome to the secret land of the jockeys.
(giggling)
Why are you talking like that?
These are our real voices.
(deeper) We only talk like this on your surface world.
But you're respected athletes.
You own car dealerships and marry beauty queens.
All a lie.
What woman would marry us?
We're freaks.
ALL: Freaks... Freaks... Freaks...
♪ We are the jockeys jockeys are we ♪
♪ We live underground in a fiberglass tree ♪
Ha!
-Ooh! -Ha-ha!
♪ 'Tween earth and hell we reign supreme ♪
♪ On toadstool thrones by a chocolate stream ♪
♪ But all is not well in jockey town ♪
♪ Your renegade horse is making us frown ♪
What do you want me to do?
♪ Your horse must lose ♪
My horse must lose?
♪ No win... No show... No place... ♪
♪ Just lose the stinkin' race ♪
And what if I refuse to lose?
We'll eat your brain.
♪ My horse must lose! ♪
Ow!
Ah! (whimpers)
Did that really happen
or was it just a wonderful dream?
No dream. Lose the race, fat boy.
(sobbing)
HOMER: Son, don't ask why
but you have to lose the big race.
You want me to lose the Springfield Derby?
But you always taught me that winning was everything.
Oh, it is, it is,
but we've been pushing that poor horse too hard.
Maybe, but, if Duncan wins the derby
he can spend the rest of his days as a stud.
Well, it is a good life, believe me...
(chuckles)
All right. We'll give it a shot.
I'll deal with those murderous trolls.
-Huh? -I mean...
I'll deal with those murderous trolls.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Springfield Derby--
the fifth and penultimate duel of racing's triple crown.
Good luck today, Bill.
-(growling) -(gasps)
-(bell rings) -And away they go.
Furious D takes the early lead.
Ow! Ooh! Oh!
ANNOUNCER: What a shameful display
by these tiny hotheads.
Let's try to remember the good little people
like James Madison or Oscar-winner Linda Hunt.
Ow! Ack! Ow!
Oh, I, uh... what's going on?
(screaming)
Could it be? In a bizarre twist,
a horse is abusing a jockey.
Might this be the start of
a terrifying Planet of the Horses?
In this announcer's opinion, almost certainly yes,
and away I go.
(door slams)
(crowd cheering)
Go, son!
Do it for the normals!
-(bell ringing) -(audience cheering)
I can't stress enough how easy it was
to win this prestigious race and furthermore...
Hollywood is leading our kids down a moral sewer. Got to go.
(all yelling)
(jockeys whooping)
You must die!
(war whoops)
Hey, need any help, Homer?
No, we're cool.
Marge, now!
(all groaning)
(moans and groans)
Son, go get me a trash bag.
-Hey! -Let us out!
-Let me out of here! -Please!
We'll give you gold!
Now that you're champion
you have your pick of the fillies.
(whinnying)
Yeah, she's the best.
Whoo, can you imagine her face on her body?
-(snorts) -(doorbell ringing)
President Clinton?
Yeah, hi. I'm here to see Lisa Simpson.
(gasps) You read my letter?
Much of it, yeah,
and those glow-sticks were wrong, very wrong.
So I've personally overturned the results
of that band contest.
-Congratulations. -(gasps)
Thank you, Mr. President.
No, thank you, Lisa,
for teaching kids everywhere
a valuable lesson.
If things don't go your way
just keep complaining until your dreams come true.
That's a pretty lousy lesson.
Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president.
(fair music playing)
(theme music playing)
-(murmuring) -Shh.
COMIC BOOK GUY: Worst episode ever.
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services