1 00:00:03,253 --> 00:00:06,548 CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:11,845 (theme song playing) 3 00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:19,644 (bell ringing) 4 00:00:23,982 --> 00:00:25,316 (whistle blows) 5 00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:31,448 (beeping) 6 00:00:35,201 --> 00:00:38,413 (playing the blues) 7 00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:00,435 (honking horn) 8 00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:06,066 D'oh! (screams) 9 00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:07,817 (tires screeching) 10 00:01:20,955 --> 00:01:23,833 (alarm blaring) 11 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,002 Fire! Fire! Fire!! 12 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,004 (gasps) Oh, no! 13 00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:29,589 What do I save? 14 00:01:32,425 --> 00:01:34,344 Trophies, trophies... (panicked gasping) 15 00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:35,887 Attendance! 16 00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:39,766 Don't panic! Don't panic! Don't panic! 17 00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,602 Get in! Move it! This is not a drill! 18 00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:46,189 {\an8}Good work, everyone. 19 00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:49,317 {\an8}We're sure to be first in line for Duff Days. 20 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:53,279 {\an8}You set off the smoke alarm to rush us to a beer festival? 21 00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:56,991 {\an8}(laughing) I know, I'm a character. 22 00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:59,244 {\an8}Now a little beer music to get in the mood. 23 00:02:00,703 --> 00:02:04,332 {\an8}-(polka music playing) -(panicked gasping) 24 00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:06,334 {\an8}Looking for these? 25 00:02:06,417 --> 00:02:08,086 {\an8}(hums mockingly) 26 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,010 {\an8}(sighs) 27 00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:19,973 {\an8}(playing polka music) 28 00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:23,977 {\an8}Drink Duff... (whispers) responsibly. 29 00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:26,396 {\an8}Drink Duff... (whispers) responsibly. 30 00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:28,606 {\an8}Now, which one of you is our designated driver? 31 00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:29,691 (Homer grunting) 32 00:02:29,774 --> 00:02:32,235 {\an8}-(yelping) -Twist off, damn it. 33 00:02:32,318 --> 00:02:34,154 {\an8}I guess I'll be driving. 34 00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:37,949 {\an8}Right this way to the Duff designated drivers' rockin' fun zone. 35 00:02:38,032 --> 00:02:39,325 {\an8}Rockin' fun zone? 36 00:02:39,409 --> 00:02:41,202 {\an8}That sounds fun... 37 00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:47,542 {\an8}I don't see the need for razor wire. 38 00:02:49,627 --> 00:02:52,255 {\an8}Ooh, there's Ulysses S. Grant, 39 00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:55,216 {\an8}Babe Ruth... (gasping) Ben Franklin. 40 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:58,219 {\an8}Early to bed... (hiccups) early to rise. 41 00:02:58,303 --> 00:02:59,804 {\an8}(slurred) You think... You think you're 42 00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:01,639 {\an8}better than me? Huh? 43 00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:03,057 Ee... 44 00:03:03,933 --> 00:03:06,019 {\an8}OK, kids, who wants to see 45 00:03:06,102 --> 00:03:07,979 {\an8}what it's like to get drunk? 46 00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:10,064 {\an8}Ooh! Ooh! Uh, uh, uh! 47 00:03:13,359 --> 00:03:14,861 {\an8}Whoa, whoa, whoa! 48 00:03:14,944 --> 00:03:19,574 {\an8}(moaning) 49 00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:23,453 {\an8}Now you're charming. 50 00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:25,580 {\an8}You don't know me. 51 00:03:30,835 --> 00:03:32,629 {\an8}This guy here... 52 00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:36,216 {\an8}This is the guy. (laughing and groaning) 53 00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:38,968 {\an8}ANNOUNCER: All right, Springfield, belly up 54 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,846 {\an8}for the Duff Beer-Tender of the Year Contest. 55 00:03:41,930 --> 00:03:45,016 {\an8}-(all cheering) -Now, fresh from his appearance 56 00:03:45,099 --> 00:03:47,936 {\an8}before the House Subcommittee on Teenage Alcoholism, 57 00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:50,396 Duffman! 58 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:53,399 Are you ready for some Duff love? 59 00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,235 -(all cheering) -All right! 60 00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:58,196 Today we're going to find out which of these bartenders 61 00:03:58,279 --> 00:04:01,074 has the right stuff to dispense Duff. 62 00:04:01,157 --> 00:04:02,909 ♪ Oh, yeah... ♪ 63 00:04:02,992 --> 00:04:06,955 From the Green Potato Pub at O'Hare International Airport, 64 00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:09,666 -Michael Finn. -(all cheering) 65 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:12,961 From Juggernauts in Hollywood, California, 66 00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:15,213 -Titania. -(raucous cheering) 67 00:04:15,296 --> 00:04:18,341 And now, the local lug who fills your mug 68 00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:21,469 with the drug you chug. Oh, yeah! 69 00:04:21,552 --> 00:04:24,222 Give it up for Moe Szyslak. 70 00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:26,224 Hello, Springfield, how you... 71 00:04:26,307 --> 00:04:29,310 -(gasps) Ooh! -(cheering and applause) 72 00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:30,645 Whoo-hoo-hoo! 73 00:04:33,731 --> 00:04:36,526 OK, our first event qualifies for course credit 74 00:04:36,609 --> 00:04:38,236 at Dartmouth College, 75 00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:39,696 Trick Pouring. 76 00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:42,240 ♪ For goodness sake ♪ 77 00:04:42,907 --> 00:04:45,743 ♪ I got the hippy hippy shake ♪ 78 00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:49,455 ♪ Yeah, I got the shake ♪ 79 00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:51,165 CARL: That spells Duff. 80 00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:53,751 Go, Moe! Boo, everyone else! 81 00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:56,045 I think we know who wins this round, 82 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:59,090 -Titania! -(cheering and applause) 83 00:04:59,173 --> 00:05:01,509 Duff beer is brewed from hops, barley 84 00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:04,721 and sparkling clear mountain what? 85 00:05:05,179 --> 00:05:06,222 -(buzzes) -Goat. 86 00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:08,850 -Close enough. -(cheering and applause) 87 00:05:10,226 --> 00:05:13,813 Ah! You can really taste the goat. 88 00:05:13,896 --> 00:05:15,398 Now, our final round 89 00:05:15,481 --> 00:05:18,151 which counts for 98% of the total score, 90 00:05:18,234 --> 00:05:20,862 making the previous rounds a complete waste. 91 00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:23,323 (cheering and applause) 92 00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:27,910 Don't forget, today's winner will be immortalized on our new Duff calendar. 93 00:05:28,536 --> 00:05:31,205 All right, guys, one, two, three... 94 00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:33,082 "Moo?" 95 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,626 Lenny, you were supposed to be "E." 96 00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:37,420 See what happens when you skip rehearsal? 97 00:05:39,547 --> 00:05:43,676 All right, bartenders, toss your drunks! 98 00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:48,348 (grunts) And stay out! 99 00:05:48,431 --> 00:05:49,849 (moaning) 100 00:05:49,932 --> 00:05:52,518 Ew! You said if I slept with you, 101 00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:54,354 I wouldn't have to touch the drunk. 102 00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:57,565 Duffman says a lot of things. Oh, yeah! 103 00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:02,945 {\an8}(grunting) 104 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:08,868 -(screaming) -(panicked grunting) 105 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:16,000 And the winner, Moe szyslak! 106 00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:18,086 (cheering) 107 00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:20,588 Aw, that's great. Thank you, thanks a lot. 108 00:06:20,671 --> 00:06:22,298 Uh, I just want to say that 109 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,092 it was an honor for me to compete 110 00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:26,719 with the Mick and the chick with the rack there. 111 00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:29,263 -Yeah, all right, Moe! -That's my Moo! 112 00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:32,308 And now, to take your official calendar portrait 113 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:36,187 Duff's vice-president in charge of calenders and fake I.D.s. 114 00:06:36,270 --> 00:06:38,189 Phil Angelides. 115 00:06:38,272 --> 00:06:39,732 (all cheering) 116 00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:45,446 -both: Ugh! -That's a mug you don't want to chug. 117 00:06:45,530 --> 00:06:48,658 Knock it off, Larry. We can't put this face on our calendar. 118 00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,502 (grunting) 119 00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:03,381 When I get home, there are going to be a lot of open pickle jars. 120 00:07:03,965 --> 00:07:04,966 That one. 121 00:07:07,343 --> 00:07:09,011 Kids, would you like a balloon? 122 00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:12,682 Yeah, right, Mom. Then I'd like a rattle and a wowwipop. 123 00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:14,225 Actually, I would like a wowwipop. 124 00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:17,353 Those balloons won't biodegrade for 10,000 years. 125 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,772 And if Bart gets a wowwipop, I want a wowwipop. 126 00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:23,234 Ah, Maggie wants a balloon 127 00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:26,195 and daddy will take a hand stamp so he can get back in. 128 00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,614 -(groaning) -Just kidding. 129 00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:32,326 Remember my face. 130 00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:36,372 Oh, boy! Uh... (groans) 131 00:07:38,916 --> 00:07:42,378 -(groans) -Moe, the new Duff calendars are out, 132 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,464 the ones with your picture! 133 00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:47,300 Oh, boy! Move over, liquor license. 134 00:07:47,383 --> 00:07:50,344 Hey, Moe, this license expired in 1973, 135 00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:53,931 uh, and it's only good in Rhode Island, and it's signed by you. 136 00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:58,394 Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to get that updated, uh, for this state and real. 137 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:01,647 Now, let's see the poster boy for the new Moe-lennium. 138 00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:04,609 (stammering) 139 00:08:04,692 --> 00:08:06,819 They put a sticker over my face. 140 00:08:07,695 --> 00:08:11,866 Hey! "Viva La... Kiss..." What? 141 00:08:11,949 --> 00:08:13,367 Aw, for the love of Jeff! 142 00:08:15,411 --> 00:08:20,333 -Ugh... Oh! Am I really that ugly? -Moe, it's all relative. 143 00:08:20,416 --> 00:08:22,210 -Is Lenny really that dumb? -(gasps) 144 00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:23,628 Is Barney that drunk? 145 00:08:23,711 --> 00:08:26,005 Is Homer that lazy, bald and fat? 146 00:08:26,547 --> 00:08:29,133 Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought. 147 00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:32,053 (crying) 148 00:08:32,136 --> 00:08:34,305 See, this is why I don't talk much. 149 00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:41,062 I can't believe they put those stickers over my face. 150 00:08:41,562 --> 00:08:44,023 (sighs) I must be the ugliest man alive. 151 00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:46,817 Oh, Moe, there's lots of people uglier than you. 152 00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:48,528 Like, you ever been to White Castle? 153 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:51,030 Oh, boy, Pigtown, U.S.A. 154 00:08:51,113 --> 00:08:54,742 Aw, come on, look at me, I'm a gargoyle. What with the cauliflower ear 155 00:08:54,825 --> 00:08:57,286 -there and the lizard lips... -Little rat eyes. 156 00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,622 -Caveman brow. -Don't forget that fish mouth. 157 00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:02,458 OK! I get it. I ain't pleasant to look at. 158 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:03,960 -Or listen to. -Or be with. 159 00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:06,045 Come on, Moe, don't feel bad. 160 00:09:06,128 --> 00:09:08,589 There's too much emphasis on looks these days. 161 00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:11,676 That's why they won't let Bill Maher on TV before midnight. 162 00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:14,220 Hey, Moe, if you're tired of being an eyesore 163 00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:15,805 Why not get some plastic surgery? 164 00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:17,974 Plastic surgery, huh? 165 00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:22,061 Yeah, maybe they can dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser. 166 00:09:22,144 --> 00:09:25,523 Oh, I don't know. Plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside, 167 00:09:25,606 --> 00:09:28,234 but you still might feel bad on the inside. 168 00:09:28,317 --> 00:09:30,278 But I'd look good on the outside, right? 169 00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:31,904 Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside. 170 00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:33,656 Plastic surgery it is! 171 00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:35,908 Carl Carlson, you just saved my life. 172 00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:38,077 -(cash register ringing) -Hey! Get out of there. 173 00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:43,958 -(gurgling happily) -Look at her. 174 00:09:44,041 --> 00:09:46,836 It must be great to be a baby and be so easily amused. 175 00:09:46,919 --> 00:09:48,170 Yeah, I wish I could be entertained 176 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:49,547 by two cents' worth of rubber 177 00:09:49,630 --> 00:09:51,299 shaped like some colorful animal 178 00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:55,094 dancing and twirling... Dancing and twirling... 179 00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:59,640 -Hey! Give me that! -(grunting) That's mine! 180 00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:04,770 (squealing unhappily) 181 00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,355 The door! 182 00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:10,026 Oh, no! 183 00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:15,197 (gurgling unhappily) 184 00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,408 OK, don't panic, I'll get the bikes. 185 00:10:17,491 --> 00:10:19,493 I hope they're hover bikes. 186 00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:21,412 Oh, man, that would be so awesome. 187 00:10:21,495 --> 00:10:22,663 (groaning) 188 00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:29,003 Mm-hmm... Yeah. 189 00:10:29,086 --> 00:10:30,212 Hmm... 190 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:31,964 Hmm... 191 00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:34,675 (imitates bomb whistling) 192 00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:36,302 (imitates explosion) 193 00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:37,595 It's hopeless, ain't it? 194 00:10:37,678 --> 00:10:40,014 No, no, no, I love a challenge. 195 00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:41,974 First, we must install buttocks. 196 00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:44,810 Nah, nah, nah, no luxury items, just a face. 197 00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:48,481 OK, I'm going to move this up, this wider. 198 00:10:48,564 --> 00:10:49,982 We're going to lose that. 199 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,984 I've never even seen one of these. 200 00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:53,736 Can the medical mumbo jumbo. 201 00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:56,072 -Can you fix me or not? -Well, we'll see. 202 00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:58,783 You know, most faces need a little remodeling, 203 00:10:58,866 --> 00:11:01,077 but this is a total tear-down. 204 00:11:01,577 --> 00:11:03,913 Let me clean up this mess I made. 205 00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:06,248 Hey, hey! Hey, that really burns there! 206 00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,334 Oh, stop it, you're worse than Faye Dunaway. 207 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,838 (Bart grunting) We've got to get closer. 208 00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:14,840 Oh, I'm trying! 209 00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,967 Can't I get on your shoulders? 210 00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:18,844 I'm not riding a girl's bike. 211 00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:21,847 Hey, it's getting away! Step on it! Hyah! Hyah! 212 00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:23,974 -Stop kicking me! -Hyah! 213 00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:27,812 Oh, boy! What a mug! 214 00:11:27,895 --> 00:11:29,939 Yeah. You should see his genitals. 215 00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:31,023 Would you like to see them? 216 00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:32,608 I'm awake here. 217 00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:36,570 {\an8}Uh-oh. This isn't anesthetic. It's new car smell. 218 00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:38,197 Oh, sorry, Doctor. 219 00:11:40,491 --> 00:11:45,371 ♪ Oh, silver bells, silver bells... ♪ 220 00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:49,625 It's going into that building! 221 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,171 Nice suit, Jeeves. 222 00:11:56,006 --> 00:11:59,218 {\an8}Daddy, I'm stealing! I'm stealing! 223 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,596 Oh, that's my little dude. 224 00:12:03,264 --> 00:12:07,560 We need a symbol. Something that says we're gay and Republican. 225 00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:13,107 A little on the nose, don't you think? 226 00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:14,650 (panting) Excuse me. 227 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,485 We just came to get our balloon. 228 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:19,071 Here you go. And have a bumper sticker. 229 00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:20,239 Thank you. 230 00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:22,992 "A Gay President in 2084"? 231 00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:24,076 We're realistic. 232 00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:32,084 Hurry. Hurry up! I have to pee! 233 00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:36,756 {\an8}-Beautiful. -OK, now do Moe. 234 00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:38,924 Well, Moe, now we see 235 00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:41,010 if you go on my wall of fame 236 00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:43,596 or my blooper reel. -Oh... 237 00:12:44,972 --> 00:12:46,056 Oh... 238 00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:50,811 -(both gasping) -What? I'm a monster, right? 239 00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:53,939 I knew it. I guess I'll just crawl back to live in the sewer, 240 00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:56,233 periodically emerging to sue you. 241 00:12:57,902 --> 00:13:00,738 {\an8}(gasps) Is that me? 242 00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:03,783 Oopsie! We've got some leakage. 243 00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:05,868 {\an8}Let me just cauterize that for you. 244 00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:07,077 (Moe screaming) 245 00:13:07,411 --> 00:13:09,914 -Bye, Moe. -Don't be a stranger, handsome. 246 00:13:09,997 --> 00:13:11,165 Bye-bye. 247 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:13,584 Homer, did you hear that? 248 00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:16,003 She called me handsome. Me! 249 00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:18,005 It's like I've gone to heaven. 250 00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:21,091 Wait a minute. I died on the operating table, didn't I? 251 00:13:21,175 --> 00:13:23,928 (laughing) Yeah, but just for a minute. 252 00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:25,888 It's a funny story. I'll tell you sometime. 253 00:13:25,971 --> 00:13:27,431 So this is all real? 254 00:13:27,515 --> 00:13:29,809 Oh, you dear, dear man. 255 00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:32,311 You're one of us beautiful people now. 256 00:13:32,394 --> 00:13:34,814 And your new life begins today. 257 00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:36,065 {\an8}A new life. 258 00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:39,735 {\an8}A second chance... for revenge. 259 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:43,155 That brown patch needs a little H2O! 260 00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:44,657 Oh, yeah! 261 00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:47,910 Hey, Duffman, let's see how you like a sticker 262 00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:50,120 on your face! Yeah! 263 00:13:51,288 --> 00:13:53,040 Duffman can't breathe! 264 00:13:53,123 --> 00:13:55,251 Oh, no! Ooh! 265 00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:01,215 -Hello. -Yeah, hello, yourself. 266 00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:03,926 I'm Moe Syzslak. Back in high school, 267 00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:07,805 I asked you to the Springtime Pumpkin Dance and you turned me down. 268 00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:10,599 Well, I just wanted to show you the face 269 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:13,143 -that you could have been kissing. -HOMER: Yeah! 270 00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:15,396 Oh, I was just a stupid kid back then 271 00:14:15,479 --> 00:14:17,439 and I feel terrible about hurting you. 272 00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:19,149 Will you accept my apology? 273 00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:20,568 Apology? 274 00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:23,737 Uh... Geez, I wasn't expecting that. Uh... 275 00:14:24,905 --> 00:14:26,240 Run! 276 00:14:26,323 --> 00:14:28,200 Man, that felt great! 277 00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:33,205 OK, last stop, Channel Six. 278 00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:36,417 You going to get even with that lottery guy that never picks our numbers? 279 00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:39,169 Nah, nah, nah. This is personal. 280 00:14:40,421 --> 00:14:42,381 It all goes back to my acting days. 281 00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:45,175 I was auditioning for the role of Dr. Tad Winslow 282 00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:47,636 on the hit soap, It Never Ends. 283 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:50,764 -Angela, I'm afraid I-- -Woman: Thank you. Next! 284 00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:54,977 -What were you thinking? -Well, you said you wanted "gritty." 285 00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:56,687 In other words, "ugly." 286 00:14:56,770 --> 00:14:58,772 I wanted "Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island" ugly 287 00:14:58,856 --> 00:15:01,567 not "Cornelius on The Planet of the Apes" ugly. 288 00:15:01,650 --> 00:15:04,987 "TV" ugly, not "ugly" ugly. 289 00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:12,745 I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, 290 00:15:12,828 --> 00:15:14,622 but never ugly ugly. 291 00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:17,833 Well, it's time to get some closure. 292 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:20,920 Extreme closure. 293 00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:25,966 But I've been Dr. Tad Winslow for 25 years. 294 00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:28,260 It's time I got a raise. 295 00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:30,095 {\an8}Oh, shut up, you windy, old hack. 296 00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:32,473 And another thing. You have to stop calling me that. 297 00:15:32,556 --> 00:15:34,975 Remember me? Twenty-five years ago, 298 00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:38,228 you said I was too ugly to play Dr. Tad Winslow. 299 00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:41,190 {\an8}I did? Well, that's why pencils have erasers, hon. 300 00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:43,442 You're our new Dr. Tad Winslow. 301 00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:44,902 Really? You mean it? 302 00:15:44,985 --> 00:15:47,613 But there can't be two Dr. Tad Winslows. 303 00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:49,782 That's going to... Oh. 304 00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:56,163 {\an8}I've been waiting all my life for this moment. 305 00:15:56,246 --> 00:16:00,084 -(laughing) -Homer, whoa, whoa, Homer. 306 00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:01,627 Change of plans. 307 00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:03,504 Whatever. 308 00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:09,426 MAN (on TV): Like the cleaning of a house, 309 00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:11,929 It Never Ends. 310 00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:15,599 With Gabriella DeFarge as Gabriella St. Farge 311 00:16:16,183 --> 00:16:19,979 Allegra Hamilton as Sister Bernadette and Roxy Monoxide. 312 00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:22,940 And as Dr. Tad Winslow, 313 00:16:23,273 --> 00:16:24,817 Moe Szyslak. 314 00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:26,610 I don't know if I'll be able to accept Moe 315 00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:28,278 as Dr. Tad Winslow. 316 00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:29,738 Well, I'm going to keep watching 317 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,907 as long as they have shocking story twists 318 00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,409 and endless pillow talk. 319 00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:35,369 Cleo, Cleo... 320 00:16:35,452 --> 00:16:36,996 You've brought music to my heart, 321 00:16:37,079 --> 00:16:39,790 but this relationship can never work. 322 00:16:39,873 --> 00:16:42,710 I'm a doctor and you're a 5,000-year-old mummy 323 00:16:42,793 --> 00:16:44,044 I brought back to life. 324 00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:45,754 But I love you, Tad. 325 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:48,757 And together, we can burn all the cities of the Earth. 326 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:51,135 It's against hospital regulations, damn it! 327 00:16:51,218 --> 00:16:54,471 And Clive Dancer's just waiting for me to slip up. 328 00:16:56,765 --> 00:16:58,267 So, Lenny, how are things working out 329 00:16:58,350 --> 00:16:59,727 with you and that girl next door? 330 00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:02,021 Ah, it's over. She got a window shade. 331 00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:04,398 {\an8}-ALL: Wha... -Whoa, whoa, 332 00:17:04,481 --> 00:17:05,941 if you must grope me, ladies. 333 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,693 Please, a little softer. 334 00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:10,029 (chuckles) OK, now, harder. 335 00:17:10,654 --> 00:17:12,990 Hey, there are women in our bar. 336 00:17:13,073 --> 00:17:14,450 Hey, Moe, beer me. 337 00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:15,951 I'm a little busy, Homer. 338 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,327 Uh, you can pour it yourself. 339 00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:22,082 Hmm. This isn't nearly as complicated as Moe made it seem. 340 00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:25,377 (acreaming and sputtering) 341 00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:29,548 (gurgling) 342 00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:31,091 I didn't bring you back to life 343 00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:33,343 so you could make a fool of me at the club! 344 00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:34,678 You don't love me! 345 00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:36,013 The only thing you love is 346 00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:38,057 your ear, nose and throat pavilion. 347 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:41,477 I've dedicated my life to diseases of the head hole, 348 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,729 but the one hole I've never been able to fix 349 00:17:43,812 --> 00:17:45,647 is the one in my soul! 350 00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:47,399 That was amazing, Moe. 351 00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:49,359 I'm actually a little turned on. 352 00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:51,028 Yeah. Hey, I got a gift. 353 00:17:51,111 --> 00:17:53,447 As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. 354 00:17:53,530 --> 00:17:56,825 Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. 355 00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,869 Now those eggs are hatching, and I... 356 00:17:58,952 --> 00:18:00,662 The feeling is indescribable. 357 00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:03,123 I know what you mean. Our dog had that. 358 00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:05,209 -(knocking at door) -DELIVERY BOY: Excuse me. 359 00:18:05,292 --> 00:18:07,669 I got a delivery here for the producers. 360 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,880 "Top Secret Storylines"? 361 00:18:09,963 --> 00:18:11,715 Uh, I'll sign for it. 362 00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:16,386 Eh, might as well have a little peek... 363 00:18:16,470 --> 00:18:17,721 (chuckles) 364 00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:23,602 Hmm... Hmm! Looks like my character 365 00:18:23,685 --> 00:18:25,813 gets back together with that evil Contessa. 366 00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:27,731 -The one with the amulet? -Precisely. 367 00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:29,942 Then I get in a skydiving accident 368 00:18:30,025 --> 00:18:32,820 {\an8}and have to be rushed to the... graveyard? 369 00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:35,072 {\an8}They're killing off Dr. Tad Winslow! 370 00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:36,698 What? Let me see that. 371 00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,534 "Interior coroner's office. 372 00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:40,786 Close-up on Dr. Winslow's mangled corpse. 373 00:18:40,869 --> 00:18:43,205 {\an8}"CORONER: Let's get that brain out and weighed 374 00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:44,706 and call it a day." 375 00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,834 Yep. That does sound kind of bad. 376 00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:49,211 Well, if they're going to stomp on my dreams, 377 00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:52,923 the least I can do is go out in a blaze of sour grapes. 378 00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:55,968 I never used to trust you, Contessa, 379 00:18:56,051 --> 00:18:58,262 but now you seem so nice. 380 00:18:58,345 --> 00:19:01,807 Why don't we celebrate your newfound trust in me 381 00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:05,102 by taking a skydiving lesson? 382 00:19:05,185 --> 00:19:07,813 Well, how could I say no to such a captivating-- 383 00:19:07,896 --> 00:19:10,566 -HOMER: Ding dong. -Whoa! It's the door! 384 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,530 (ghostly voice) Dr. Winslow. 385 00:19:16,613 --> 00:19:18,031 Why, who are you? 386 00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:19,950 I am an angel from the future. 387 00:19:20,033 --> 00:19:22,119 -Angel? -What the fudge? 388 00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:25,247 {\an8}-Should I cut him off? -No. Let's see where this is going. 389 00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:28,625 And what do you have to tell us, oh, angel of the future? 390 00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:32,838 You're going to die in a skydiving accident. 391 00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:35,132 How tragic! Tell me more. 392 00:19:35,215 --> 00:19:38,510 Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists, 393 00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:40,345 with sexy results. 394 00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:42,931 Ooh, that's unexpected. What else? 395 00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,559 Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent 396 00:19:45,642 --> 00:19:46,977 and start a softball team, 397 00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:48,854 with sexy results. 398 00:19:48,937 --> 00:19:50,772 What's Dad doing on the show? 399 00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:53,025 Who cares? He's dishing out the dirt. 400 00:19:54,818 --> 00:19:57,863 And only then do we find out that Professor Gallaway's half-sister 401 00:19:57,946 --> 00:20:01,366 is plotting to take over International Perfume and Wine. 402 00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:04,661 Ah! He just gave away a year's worth of story lines! 403 00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:07,497 Cut him off... now. 404 00:20:08,832 --> 00:20:09,833 (both laughting) 405 00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:10,918 -Yeah. -Yes! 406 00:20:11,001 --> 00:20:12,628 What the hell are you doing? 407 00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:15,380 Sticking it to you for killing off my character! 408 00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:17,299 -(laughing) Whoo! -Yeah! 409 00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:21,011 You idiot! Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream. 410 00:20:21,094 --> 00:20:23,972 -What? -Pink pages always mean a dream. 411 00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:26,058 {\an8}I thought dreams was on goldenrod. 412 00:20:26,141 --> 00:20:28,352 {\an8}No. Goldenrod is for coma fantasies. 413 00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:30,312 {\an8}I see. 414 00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:34,316 {\an8}So, uh... what time tomorrow? 415 00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:35,609 (laughing) 416 00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:38,946 Escort these men out... now. 417 00:20:40,447 --> 00:20:42,074 Get your hands off me. Get off! 418 00:20:42,157 --> 00:20:44,243 I don't need your stinking show, anyway. 419 00:20:44,826 --> 00:20:48,997 With a mug like this, I can get on any soap in Springfield. 420 00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:50,749 (grunts and scoffs) 421 00:20:55,128 --> 00:20:56,129 Ahhh... 422 00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:59,258 Oh! Oh, my face! 423 00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:00,926 I'm not supposed to put weight on it! 424 00:21:05,180 --> 00:21:07,307 -(all gasping) -What? What? 425 00:21:10,018 --> 00:21:13,397 -Sorry about your face, Moe. -Nah, it's just as well. 426 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:16,608 That handsome face was nice, but it was too much maintenance. 427 00:21:16,692 --> 00:21:19,278 I had to wash it, rub it with Neat's foot oil. 428 00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:20,946 You did me a favor, Homer 429 00:21:21,029 --> 00:21:23,490 And to think I was about to sell the bar to hooters. 430 00:21:23,573 --> 00:21:25,075 Yeah. You were... D'oh! 431 00:21:25,158 --> 00:21:26,660 Well, I guess that wraps it up. 432 00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:28,245 Hey, there's one thing I don't get, though. 433 00:21:28,328 --> 00:21:29,871 When my face was crushed, 434 00:21:29,955 --> 00:21:31,707 why'd it go back to my old face? 435 00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:34,209 I mean, shouldn't it have turned into some kind of third face 436 00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:35,335 that was different? 437 00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:36,461 (chuckles) It don't make no... 438 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:44,845 (theme song playing) 439 00:22:21,882 --> 00:22:23,133 -(murmuring) -Shh. 440 00:22:23,216 --> 00:22:24,551 Oh, yeah! 441 00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:29,014 {\an8}Captioned by Visual Data Media Services