CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(theme music playing)
(bell ringing)
(whistle blows)
(beeping)
(playing the blues)
(honking horn)
(tires screeching)
D'oh. (screams)
(tires screeching)
(all screaming)
Ah, trash night.
In France, they call it La Nuit Des Poubelles.
In Germany, it's "Crappenfest."
I can't believe it only comes 52 times a year.
Quit gabbing and start grabbing.
And remember the best stuff is usually
deep in the garbage juice.
See? A new pacifier for Maggie.
Looky here. Cardy-board tubes.
Now we can have indoor plumbing
just like they's got at the women's lock-up.
They spoilt you, Brandine.
Sometimes I don't even know who you are anymore.
Ha! Looks like Milhouse's mom
finally threw out his blanky.
He'll pay a lot to get this back.
Especially when we send it to him piece by piece.
(evil laughing)
(groaning)
(humming)
Shh. Quiet.
It seems I will never sell these She-Hulk vs.
Leon Spinks Comics.
Worst cross-over ever.
(mumbling)
(screaming)
Shoo, nerds, shoo!
(chittering)
Well, this muscle shirt's a pretty good find.
Dad, that's a sports bra.
All I know is, I'm finally getting
the support I need.
Look, Dad, barber hair.
(sniffing)
Ooh, Italian.
Hey, Vinnie, how's about a pizza?
I got-a no job.
(gasps) Mama Mia.
Look what the Hawaiian restaurant threw out.
Get out of my dreams and into my car.
(hissing)
I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavy.
(sniffs) Good lord, that's gas.
(grunts)
HOMER: Behold,
I am king Talkie-Tiki.
(both scream)
Hey, Flanders.
Can your god do that?
Actually, Homer, you and I worship the same god, so...
HOMER: Irregardless, I am your God now.
(grunts)
(laughing)
Homer, you just can't reroute
the gas line.
Do you know how dangerous that is?
HOMER: Do not anger Talkie-Tiki!
I am all-power...
-(screams) -I'll be at Moe's.
So I says to the cop,
"No, you're driving under the influence
of being a jerk."
(laughing)
(sighs)
Hey, Barney, what's with the glum face?
You glum or something? Huh, glummy?
You know, it was my birthday last week
and no one remembered.
What are you, nuts?
I threw you a party at my house.
You lie!
Why would I not remember my own...
-Birthday? -But we did have
a shindig for you, Barn.
We even videotaped it. Look.
MOE: Oh, that's it, baby.
All for Moe.
Oh, yeah, work the slot.
Show me the package.
(chuckles) Whoa... That's, that's a project
I'm working on. Sorry.
BART: OK, Mom, we're rolling.
I wrote a poem for Barney
on this special occasion.
"Now that you're one year older,
the time flew by so fast..."
-Bart! -(Bart laughs)
Give me that.
(grunts)
I'm just saying that,
when we die
there's going to be a planet
for the French,
a planet for the Chinese,
and we'll all be a lot happier.
Mr. Gumbel, you're upsetting me.
No, I'm not.
Gee, is that who I look like when I'm drunk?
You wish.
That's the stage we call
Professor Barney--
Talkative, coherent, even insightful.
Here's drunk.
(spueaking)
(high voice) Well, I'm off to market.
(belches)
Marge, you're making
a complete fool of your...
Oh, it's just Barney.
(screams)
(gasps) Precious alcohol
soaking into shag.
(growls)
Oh, how embarrassing.
How did this happen?
Oh, that. You've had that for a while.
Yeah, I can't really picture you without it.
Oh, I'm a disgrace.
Disgracefully hilarious.
You passed out before we could even give you your presents.
I still got mine.
Barney, I got you what
no drunk can do without--
Morning-after stationery.
(laughing)
And I got you helicopter flying lessons.
Can you imagine this boozebag at the wheel of a whirlybird?
(laughs) He'd be all "look at me--
I'm a tanked-up loser in a helicopter!"
(laughs)
Ah, anyway, happy b-day, punkin.
So, I'm a tanked-up loser?
Is that how you see me?
Oh, sounds like a certain loser
could use some tanking up.
(grunts)
Hey, hey. Where you going?
I'll show you. I'm going to take
these helicopter lessons.
Wait a minute, Barney.
You got to be sober to fly.
I mean, it's not like driving a car.
And I'm going to quit drinking.
(laughing)
No, I mean it.
(laughing)
You won't see me here again, ever.
(laughs)
Wait, that ain't funny.
He's my best customer.
Well, the handwriting's on the wall.
To stay afloat, this bar's going to have to go queer.
You mean, it's not?
Oh!
Wrong again,
Gay Guide to Springfield.
Farewell, my long-necked friends.
(grunts)
All right, world, get ready to meet the clean and sober
Barney Gumbel.
Whee!
Give me a beer.
I knew you'd be back.
(quietly) Santeria, you're the greatest.
Barney, didn't you say you were going to stop drinking?
I know... but it's so hard!
Please help me, Homer!
You came to the right guy.
I'll straighten you out
right after I finish this beer.
(sighs)
Ah, man, that's sweet.
OK, let's go.
My name is Barney, and... I'm an alcoholic.
I feel for you, pally, but, uh, you want A.A.-- This is triple "A."
Oh. My name is Homer,
and I'm planning a trip
-to St. Louis. -East St. Louis?
Is there any other St. Louis?
(indistinct chatter)
Ah, welcome back, Homer.
I see you've finally hit rock bottom.
(scoffing) Not a chance.
I can sink way lower.
I just came to help my friend Barney.
We all know why we're here, don't we?
To keep ourselves sober and to network.
So let's get started.
Well, after I lost
my third job in two days
old Gil was in a pit of despair.
And that's when you realized you were an alcoholic.
Oh, no, I never touch the stuff,
but you don't have to be drunk to know the value of Amway.
-Oh. -Huh-huh.
Now, this is used crankcase oil
which you ladies know is murder to clean up, you know
and company's coming.
Ah! You're doing this
at the worst possible time.
GIL: Ah, your finger is in my eye.
I have a problem with alcohol, and I need help.
Well, your recovery begins today
and we promise you all the sugar cookies
and secondhand smoke you can handle.
These sugar cookies you speak of--
Are they real or symbolic?
They're on that table over there.
Oh, I don't want to walk that far.
Anything that takes 12 steps isn't worth doing.
Get it? Huh? 12?
(laughing)
Steps?
Hey, how did I get out here?
(giggling)
Hurt everyone.
Did Gaga just say "hurt everyone"?
(laughing) Gaga-- cute name.
ANNOUNCER: The Springfield phone book
needs a new cover.
-It does? -It does?
Send us your snapshots,
and, if we select yours,
you win a fabulous
mystery prize.
To enter, send your film
to this address.
Too quick? Try again.
Did you get it? Here it is.
Coming in from the left.
Don't delay. Do it today!
You think we should enter?
Well, it shouldn't be too hard
to beat the old photo.
(Lisa exclaims)
Hmm, it's gotta be here somewhere.
Hey, here's a camera.
And it's still got a roll of film in it.
Man, these old cameras are really built solid.
Bart, we need that to win the contest.
Win the what now?
(sighs)
Here it goes.
So he's so busy worrying about the front rotor
he walks right into the back one.
(laughing)
Only in this business.
I'd like to sign up for helicopter lessons.
Sorry, pal, but it takes a special kind of man
to pilot these birds.
I got a coupon.
OK, get in.
Elvis played a chopper pilot one time.
He made so many darn mistakes
We were just laughing at him.
Great singer, though.
Oh, absolutely. You know
who else I like
is that, uh, Leo Sayer.
Anyway, we're nice and level now.
How'd you like to take the controls?
You think I'm ready?
Sure, I do. One sec.
Testing black box-- one, two.
(screaming)
She's all yours, friend.
BARNEY: Whoa! Whoa!
Oh!
Oh! Hey!
I think I'm getting it.
Yes, that's great.
Now let's just pull ourselves
out of this tailspin here.
Ooh! Oh, I'm sorry about that.
It's OK. That's what the diapers are for.
Now, when the mamma bird returns to feed her babies,
we'll have a prize-winning picture.
Lisa, people these days don't want to see a baby bird.
They want to see celebrities at their worst.
(bell rings)
Is that Rainier Wolfcastle?
Check out the gut.
It's for a movie.
I'm playing a fat secret agent.
Hey, Homer.
Oh, no, no, no. Don't sit there.
Take this seat, right next to the tap.
But that's Barney's seat.
Are you trying to make me the new Barney?
Hey, every bar needs a world-class drunk.
Yeah, someone who makes our alcoholism seem less raging.
Well, forget it, guys.
I am not Barney.
(belches)
(all laughing)
See, Homer? It's not so bad.
Now dance, Rummy!
O-OK.
(mumbling melody)
You danced for hours just because they told you to?
If I didn't, I'd lose their respect.
(helicopter approaching)
Check it out, Homer!
I'm flying this thing!
Get it away from the house!
Want to go for a ride?
Can I, Marge? Can I?
Yes, go! Just go!
So you missed some big changes at Moe's.
He hangs newspapers over the urinals now.
You can read the sports page while you pee!
Very la-di-da.
I've made some big changes, too.
Can you believe I'm flying this helicopter?
Powerlines! Powerlines!
Whoops, sorry.
When I think about all the time I've wasted at Moe's...
Wasted?
What about our staring contests
and the way we always knew what football coaches
should've done Remember the day we jumped
that census guy and stole his clicker?
Those are all priceless memories, Homer,
but I don't want to do that stuff anymore.
Oh, so you're better than me, is that it?
I didn't say that.
Take me home.
Oh, don't be that way, Homer.
-I'll scream. -OK, OK.
So how was your ride with Barney?
I don't want to talk about it.
(crying)
(slams door)
(sobbing)
(grunts)
(grunting)
Stupid Barney.
Thinks he's too good for me.
Cheer up, Homie.
You don't need friends to be happy.
I haven't had a friend in years.
But you've got me.
What have I got?
Oh. Well, you still have Lenny and Carl.
Aw, Lenny and Carl suck.
Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that
'cause if I ever lost them as friends...
Look, if Barney's that important to you
you've got to work it out.
Old friends stick together
Like O.J. and A.C.
Or The Falcon and the Snowman.
Oh, why can't I have a nickname?
(sighs)
LISA: OK, that's it.
Looks good.
Aw, Bart, the bulldog didn't ante.
OK, on three.
One, two...
Perfect! Phone book cover, here I come!
-Ha! Ha! -Hey! No fair!
Oh, we'll never get a good picture.
Hey, why don't we dump spaghetti on Maggie's head?
That picture's a cliche.
Picture?
Hey, Apu, you got any of those potato chips
that give you diarrhea?
I need to do a little spring cleaning.
They're in the safety cabinet. I'll get the key.
(bell rings)
Oh, hello, Homer.
Barney.
Beer, huh?
That's right.
Enjoy.
-That, I will. -Then we agree.
You keep thinking that.
-I will. -Me, too.
-Good day then. -Good day, then is right.
-Ta. -Ta-ta.
(bell rings)
Hey, you did not pay for that beer!
(yells)
Boy, you can see everything
from Mount Springfield--
The squidport, the old monorail...
BART: The play-doh factory.
(buzzer)
Crescent moon! Crescent moon!
(clicking)
Come on, Springfield.
Sparkle for me, baby.
That's it.
Heads up!
Ow!
Bart, that's hot.
I said, "Heads up."
(crackling)
Lenny, Carl, I know a lot of people badmouth you
and focus on how you suck, but not me.
To me, you're true blue.
Aw, thanks, big guy.
Now dance, Rummy!
OK.
(mumbling melody)
Hiya, Moe.
Well, if it isn't little
Miss I'm-not-wasting- my-life-anymore--
Which he is.
Moe, I've come here to make amends
for my disgraceful behavior over the last 20 years.
No, that's OK, Barn.
No, it's not OK.
I broke barstools,
befouled your broom closet
and made sweet love to your pool table
which I then befouled.
Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.
This is a Channel Six news bulletin.
Fire has broken out on Mount Springfield
trapping two youngsters and their camera.
Oh, no! That's Bart and Lisa!
Unfortunately, fire trucks are unavailable to fight the blaze
as they're all being used to film the new Burt Reynolds movie
Fireball and Mudflap.
I caught up with Burt on the set.
So, Burt, tell us a little
about Fireball and Mudflap.
Well, I play Jerry "Fireball" mudflap,
a feisty supreme court justice
who's searching for his birth-mother
while competing in a cross-country fire truck race.
It's garbage.
Barney, you got to fly us up there and save my kids!
I can't.
I've never flown solo.
Barney, the call is from heroism.
Will you accept the charges?
(flames crackling)
Where you going? The fire's that way!
I know, I know!
I haven't learned right turns yet.
Aah! Look out!
(screaming)
(cars honking)
(tires screeching)
I can't do this.
My nerves are shot.
(tires screeching)
(clattering)
Beer! That's what I need!
Barney, no, don't!
Yes, I need it!
(moans)
No! You've got to be sober for this.
Give me that!
Ew, it's warm.
You can't drink them all!
Oh, yes, I can.
(both grunting)
Give me that!
(tops popping)
(gulping)
I won't let you give up now when you've worked so hard
(slurring) to be the greatest pal
in the world.
I love you.
Let's not lose touch after graduation.
(snoring)
You brave man.
You took six silver bullets for me.
Stay away from my wife!
(groans)
Looks like it's up to me.
(both panting)
We should be safe up here.
I'm pretty sure fires can't climb trees.
Ow!
Dad!
Hi, kids!
-(laughing) -Hang on!
I'll throw you a ladder!
(all screaming)
(shrieks) Get off! Get off!
(thuds)
(both whimpering)
Dad, help!
All right, I'm coming!
Whoa!
(screams)
Let me know if you're going to do that again, Homer.
You did it, Dad.
You can't prove I did it.
No, you saved our lives.
I could do a lot of things if I had some money.
What?
Now there's a picture.
Kids!
The new phone books are here
and your picture's on the cover!
-All right! -Wow, cool!
Let me see!
(both scream)
MARGE: Isn't it adorable?
I guess some baby pictures were on that old roll of film.
Aw, we'll be the laughingstock of the whole town.
Well, at least we won the bike.
Actually, I took the picture.
So I gave my prize to the orphanage.
-What? -How could you?
Just kidding.
I would never do that.
Well, I'm glad we're friends again.
Yeah.
So what do you call this stuff?
A double tall mocha latte.
It's not bad.
Well, it ain't beer.
But at least I got that monkey off my back.
Oh... (belches)
Nobody gets away from Moe.
Nobody.
(steam hissing)
(laughs)
(coughs)
-(murmuring) -Shh.
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services