1 00:00:03,044 --> 00:00:06,589 CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:07,632 --> 00:00:09,259 (theme music playing) 3 00:00:16,725 --> 00:00:18,435 (bell ringing) 4 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,066 (whistle blows) 5 00:00:30,071 --> 00:00:30,905 (beeping) 6 00:00:36,077 --> 00:00:38,371 (playing the blues) 7 00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:40,915 (jazzy solo) 8 00:00:47,756 --> 00:00:48,590 (chimes) 9 00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:55,722 (tires screech) 10 00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,518 (honking horn) 11 00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:05,732 D-oh! 12 00:01:05,815 --> 00:01:06,816 (screams) 13 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:07,817 (tires screeching) 14 00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:11,905 Woof. 15 00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:26,544 {\an8}Hey, open up! 16 00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:28,797 {\an8}I've been standing here all morning. 17 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:31,174 {\an8}Hey, Homer. What are you doing at work? 18 00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:33,301 {\an8}The plant's closed for fumigation. 19 00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:35,804 {\an8}(humming) 20 00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:37,764 {\an8}Uh-oh! 21 00:01:37,847 --> 00:01:40,934 {\an8}(panicked gasping) 22 00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:42,727 {\an8}Ohh... 23 00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,979 {\an8}No one told me the plant was closed. 24 00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:46,106 {\an8}Didn't you get the e-mail? 25 00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:47,065 {\an8}What's an e-mail? 26 00:01:47,148 --> 00:01:48,525 {\an8}It's a computer thing 27 00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:49,859 {\an8}like an electric letter. 28 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,444 {\an8}Or a quiet phone call. 29 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,029 {\an8}I don't have a computer. 30 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,030 {\an8}(laughs) 31 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,282 {\an8}Too bad. That's why you're at work 32 00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:58,535 {\an8}while we're living it up on our day off. 33 00:01:58,618 --> 00:02:00,578 {\an8}Hey, Karl, turn up the car radio. 34 00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:03,206 {\an8}Why not? Anything goes today. 35 00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:07,502 {\an8}(swing music playing on radio) 36 00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:10,296 {\an8}That does it. I'm getting a computer... 37 00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:12,298 {\an8}as soon as somebody lets me out of here. 38 00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:14,175 {\an8}(rattling) 39 00:02:14,717 --> 00:02:17,846 {\an8}Oh. (chuckles) I'm so stupid. 40 00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:23,643 {\an8}Um, I guess I'll take that one. 41 00:02:23,726 --> 00:02:25,311 {\an8}Do you need a paperweight? 42 00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,522 {\an8}Because if you buy that machine that's all you're going to have 43 00:02:27,605 --> 00:02:28,815 {\an8}is an expensive paperweight. 44 00:02:28,898 --> 00:02:30,650 {\an8}Well, a paperweight would be nice 45 00:02:30,733 --> 00:02:32,110 {\an8}but what I really need is a computer. 46 00:02:32,193 --> 00:02:33,611 {\an8}How about that one? 47 00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:36,322 {\an8}Mm-hmm. That technology is three months old. 48 00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:38,324 {\an8}Only suckers buy out-of-date machines. 49 00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,368 {\an8}Uh, you're not a sucker, are you, sir? 50 00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:41,578 {\an8}Heavens, no. 51 00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:44,581 {\an8}Oh, good. Because if you were, I'd ask you to leave the store. 52 00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:46,708 {\an8}I just need something to receive e-mail. 53 00:02:46,791 --> 00:02:47,625 {\an8}(whistles) 54 00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:49,919 {\an8}You'll need a top-of-the-line machine for that. 55 00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:51,796 That's the same computer 56 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,923 astronauts use to do their taxes. 57 00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,091 I was an astronaut. 58 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,426 Of course you were. 59 00:02:57,343 --> 00:02:58,428 Hmm. 60 00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:03,808 $5,000? 61 00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:06,477 You only have ten seconds to decide, sir. 62 00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:07,812 (whimpering) 63 00:03:07,896 --> 00:03:09,355 This is the best computer in the world 64 00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:10,523 and always will be, right? 65 00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:11,524 Absolutely. 66 00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:13,526 Just run the deed to your house through here. 67 00:03:16,362 --> 00:03:18,114 ELECTRONIC VOICE: You are on your 68 00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,032 (male computerized voice) ...fifth... 69 00:03:19,115 --> 00:03:20,241 (female computerized voice) ...mortgage. 70 00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:21,367 (nervous laugh) 71 00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,162 Hey, Lisa. 72 00:03:24,245 --> 00:03:27,373 Check out my new computer. 73 00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:29,584 {\an8}Dad, you shouldn't drag that around. 74 00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:30,710 (laughs) 75 00:03:30,793 --> 00:03:32,503 That's right, top of the line. 76 00:03:33,671 --> 00:03:36,382 {\an8}(screams, groans) 77 00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:38,009 {\an8}Stupid pothole. 78 00:03:38,092 --> 00:03:39,177 {\an8}Don't worry, head. 79 00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:41,804 {\an8}The computer will do our thinking now. 80 00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:48,478 Oh, yeah, perfect. 81 00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:52,232 Now, then, computer, kill Flanders. 82 00:03:52,315 --> 00:03:53,816 Did I hear my name? 83 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:54,901 My ears are burning. 84 00:03:54,984 --> 00:03:56,110 Good start. 85 00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:57,445 Now finish the job. 86 00:03:57,528 --> 00:03:58,738 Oh, you're busy. 87 00:03:58,821 --> 00:04:00,531 Catch you later, compu-tater. 88 00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:02,575 Oh, $5,000 for a computer 89 00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:04,786 and it can't handle a simple assignment. 90 00:04:04,869 --> 00:04:06,913 (grunting) 91 00:04:06,996 --> 00:04:08,081 (whines) 92 00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:09,958 Dad, I'll set up your computer. 93 00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:12,210 Why don't you and Bart go play in the backyard? 94 00:04:12,293 --> 00:04:13,127 You're it. 95 00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:14,545 (laughter) 96 00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:16,714 (Bart groans) 97 00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:18,758 (laughter continues) 98 00:04:18,841 --> 00:04:19,717 -HOMER: Why you little! -(grunting) 99 00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:23,263 {\an8}OK, you're ready to go. 100 00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:25,139 {\an8}I've written down the basic commands 101 00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:26,933 {\an8}so that anyone can understand them. 102 00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:28,184 Hmm... 103 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:29,269 -(flies buzzing) -MARGE: Homer, 104 00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:31,104 bring that back in the house. 105 00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:32,605 HOMER: Fine. 106 00:04:33,731 --> 00:04:34,565 (electronic beep) 107 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,986 Ooh, it's dancing Jesus. 108 00:04:38,069 --> 00:04:40,405 ♪ Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee ♪ 109 00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:42,657 If there's a better use for the Internet 110 00:04:42,740 --> 00:04:44,284 I haven't found it. 111 00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:47,245 {\an8}If you've committed a crime and you want to confess 112 00:04:47,328 --> 00:04:48,246 {\an8}click "yes." 113 00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:50,123 {\an8}Otherwise, click "no." 114 00:04:50,206 --> 00:04:51,541 {\an8}You have chosen "no" 115 00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:54,669 {\an8}meaning you've committed a crime but don't want to confess. 116 00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:55,670 {\an8}-A paddy wagon... -(siren wails) 117 00:04:55,753 --> 00:04:57,046 {\an8}...is now speeding to your home. 118 00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:58,131 Hey! 119 00:04:58,214 --> 00:05:01,676 {\an8}While you wait... why not buy a police cap or t-shirt? 120 00:05:01,759 --> 00:05:05,013 {\an8}You have the right to remain fabulous. 121 00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:09,726 -(beeping) -Here it is, everybody. 122 00:05:10,101 --> 00:05:12,353 The world's greatest website. 123 00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:13,313 (fanfare music plays) 124 00:05:13,396 --> 00:05:17,400 -Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah... -Hello, hello, hello, hello... 125 00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:19,277 You'd think all the noises would be annoying 126 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:20,320 but they're not. 127 00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:22,113 {\an8}I got suspended from school today. 128 00:05:22,196 --> 00:05:23,239 No kidding? 129 00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:25,283 What do you think of my page, Lisa? 130 00:05:25,366 --> 00:05:26,284 Be honest. 131 00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:27,285 It's great, isn't it? Go ahead 132 00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:28,911 and say it's great if you want to. 133 00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:30,788 {\an8}They found a switchblade in my locker. 134 00:05:30,872 --> 00:05:33,916 Well, a web page is supposed to be a personal thing. 135 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:37,170 You've just stolen copyrighted material from everyone else. 136 00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:38,963 {\an8}They can sue you for that. 137 00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:40,298 {\an8}I took a swing at a cop. 138 00:05:40,381 --> 00:05:42,425 They can't sue me if they don't know who I am. 139 00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:45,511 I'll just call myself Mr. X. 140 00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:47,305 -(keyboard clacking) -(electronic beep) 141 00:05:47,388 --> 00:05:48,973 {\an8}I'm just mad all the time. 142 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:51,934 Yup, you can't go wrong with Mr. X. 143 00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:56,147 Mom wants you to come to bed. 144 00:05:56,230 --> 00:05:59,650 I can't. My web page hasn't gotten a single hit. 145 00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,027 (alarm rings) 146 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,612 Come on. 147 00:06:02,695 --> 00:06:04,781 {\an8}You have to offer people something... 148 00:06:04,864 --> 00:06:07,075 {\an8}a joke, an opinion, an idea. 149 00:06:11,954 --> 00:06:13,331 That lousy pothole. 150 00:06:13,414 --> 00:06:14,582 Why don't they fix it? 151 00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:17,418 I heard Mayor Quimby spent the street repair fund 152 00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:19,045 on a secret swimming pool for himself. 153 00:06:19,128 --> 00:06:21,005 {\an8}-Get out. Who told you that? -Nelson. 154 00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:24,342 {\an8}Ooh, that's the kind of dirt that belongs on my web page. 155 00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:27,387 You can't post that on the Internet. 156 00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:28,930 You don't even know if it's true. 157 00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:31,641 Nelson has never steered me wrong, honey. 158 00:06:31,724 --> 00:06:33,351 Nelson is gold. 159 00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:35,603 {\an8}You know, it might have been Jimbo. 160 00:06:35,686 --> 00:06:37,730 Beautiful. We have confirmation. 161 00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:38,898 (groaning) 162 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,235 Hmm. 163 00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:44,654 Let's see here. 164 00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:47,115 X-rated girls... already bookmarked... 165 00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:48,366 Dial "X" for sex. 166 00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:50,451 Mr. X? 167 00:06:50,535 --> 00:06:54,539 Hmm, shall I cross the final frontier? 168 00:06:56,624 --> 00:06:58,292 (electronic beeping) 169 00:07:00,169 --> 00:07:01,546 What's this? 170 00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:04,674 "Stolen funds? 171 00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:06,717 Pothole money used for swimming pool"? 172 00:07:07,301 --> 00:07:09,595 There's no emoticon for what I'm feeling. 173 00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:12,390 Our Mayor's corrupt? 174 00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:15,393 Oh, Mr. X has done this town a great service 175 00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:16,936 despite his poor grammar and spelling. 176 00:07:17,019 --> 00:07:20,231 WOMAN: Seymour, are you looking at naked ladies? 177 00:07:20,314 --> 00:07:21,441 No, Mother. 178 00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:22,525 WOMAN: You sissy. 179 00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:23,734 (groaning) 180 00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:26,946 What's all this about a secret swimming pool? 181 00:07:27,029 --> 00:07:30,116 Uh, well, what secret swimming pool is that? 182 00:07:31,659 --> 00:07:33,369 Hey, let's look behind that door. 183 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,246 QUIMBY: Don't go in there. 184 00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:37,248 (all gasp) 185 00:07:39,041 --> 00:07:40,877 (indistinct chatter) 186 00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:46,799 {\an8}Good lord, we've discovered the ruins of an ancient city. 187 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,801 {\an8}OK, you do better. 188 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:54,474 I did it. 189 00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:56,350 I changed the world. 190 00:07:56,434 --> 00:07:59,270 Now I know exactly how God feels. 191 00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:01,689 You want turkey sausage or ham? 192 00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:04,317 Bring me two of every animal. 193 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:05,485 (mews) 194 00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:10,031 A new Internet watchdog 195 00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:11,741 is creating a stir in Springfield. 196 00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:14,368 Mr. X, if that is his real name, 197 00:08:14,452 --> 00:08:16,329 has come up with a sensational scoop. 198 00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:17,330 Darn tootin'. 199 00:08:17,413 --> 00:08:19,540 But we must never forget that the real news 200 00:08:19,624 --> 00:08:20,583 is on local TV 201 00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:23,336 delivered by real, officially licensed newsmen 202 00:08:23,419 --> 00:08:24,795 like me, Kent Brockman. 203 00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:26,923 Coming up, how do they get those dogs 204 00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:28,257 to talk on the beer commercials? 205 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:29,717 Cowboy Steve will tell you. 206 00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:33,346 I'm happy you got the potholes filled 207 00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:36,807 but it's still irresponsible to present rumors as facts. 208 00:08:36,891 --> 00:08:38,809 Maybe you should quit while you're ahead. 209 00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:41,729 No way. Mr. X is going to keep on digging and probing 210 00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:44,315 until every person in this town is in jail. 211 00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:49,237 {\an8}Argh! A coconut bagel! 212 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,030 {\an8}Like poison, it tastes. 213 00:08:51,113 --> 00:08:52,657 {\an8}All right, I'll tell you a secret. 214 00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:56,410 {\an8}My bagels are nothing but week-old doughnuts. 215 00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:58,955 {\an8}Aw, who am I to point the finger? 216 00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:01,791 {\an8}I once ran over a guy in a parking lot 217 00:09:01,874 --> 00:09:04,752 {\an8}and dumped the body on a golf course. 218 00:09:07,421 --> 00:09:08,923 What a bombshell. 219 00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:13,594 {\an8}CHIEF WIGGUM: In the interest of public safety 220 00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:17,181 {\an8}we have confiscated every doughnut, bagel, cruller 221 00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:19,016 and bear claw in the city. 222 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,184 And some coffee. 223 00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:21,143 (slurping) 224 00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:24,063 This morning, Mr. X reported that your own department-- 225 00:09:24,146 --> 00:09:27,692 I know, I know, but I assure you the police do not take prisoners 226 00:09:27,775 --> 00:09:31,070 out of their cells and race them... anymore. 227 00:09:31,153 --> 00:09:32,947 What about using the electric chair to cook chicken? 228 00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:34,448 Yeah, uh, this press conference is over. 229 00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:37,034 -Wait. I have one more. -No, it's over, Phil. It's over. 230 00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:39,161 KENNY: According to my uncle 231 00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:42,582 Miss Springfield isn't as beautiful as she seems. 232 00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:45,501 Word is, she uses appearance-altering cosmetics? 233 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,628 -Oh, my God. -That's shocking. 234 00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:49,255 The public should be warned. 235 00:09:49,338 --> 00:09:50,923 I wish Mr. X were here. 236 00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:52,967 Oh, I don't know, Carl. 237 00:09:53,050 --> 00:09:55,219 He might be closer than you think. 238 00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:56,178 Are you him? 239 00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:57,221 -Are you Mr. X? -No. 240 00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:59,348 But you talk in that real sly voice. 241 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:01,517 Hey, hey, everybody! Homer's Mr. X. 242 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:02,435 I am not. 243 00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:04,228 Or am I? 244 00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:05,229 Are you? 245 00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:06,230 No! 246 00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:08,608 Well, if Mr. X were here right now 247 00:10:08,691 --> 00:10:10,568 I'd buy him a tall frosty. 248 00:10:10,651 --> 00:10:12,069 Hey, Moe, can you keep a secret? 249 00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:13,529 -No. -Not even a little one? 250 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,072 -No. -What if I just whisper it? 251 00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:16,907 -No, I tells you. -Oh! 252 00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:21,495 ♪ I've been sitting on the toilet ♪ 253 00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:24,957 ♪ All the live-long day ♪ 254 00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:27,710 BURNS: Is everything ready for the secret meeting, Smithers? 255 00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:28,711 SMITHERS: Yes, sir. 256 00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:30,671 I hope no one finds out about this. 257 00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:32,798 It's pure journalistic dynamite. 258 00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:35,343 Uh... sir, this place could be bugged. Shh! 259 00:10:36,093 --> 00:10:36,927 (dryer whirring) 260 00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:38,387 OK, now we can talk. 261 00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:40,056 (gasping) 262 00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:41,015 Turn it off! 263 00:10:42,391 --> 00:10:43,851 (groans) 264 00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:47,980 Journalistic dynamite. 265 00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:49,440 (gasps) 266 00:10:51,859 --> 00:10:53,069 (speaking indistinctly) 267 00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:54,153 Then it's agreed. 268 00:10:54,236 --> 00:10:57,073 I'll supply you terrorists with deadly uranium. 269 00:10:57,156 --> 00:10:59,200 You are a credit to the great Satan. 270 00:10:59,283 --> 00:11:00,534 Oh, pshaw! 271 00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:02,995 (humming) 272 00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,955 HOMER: I love spying. 273 00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:06,374 (groans) 274 00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:08,542 Oh, don't worry about those fumes. 275 00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:10,878 They'll be sucked into that air vent. 276 00:11:11,962 --> 00:11:14,423 HOMER: Ohh! 277 00:11:17,593 --> 00:11:18,928 This place is falling apart. 278 00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:24,266 "And who's selling the uranium to the terrorists? 279 00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,018 Mmm? 280 00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:29,271 Mm-hmm. "Montgomery Burns." 281 00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:32,942 Now we wait. 282 00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:36,821 (groans) Let go of me! 283 00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:38,030 I'm innocent. 284 00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:39,990 Whoa. He's in trouble. 285 00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:43,911 We'd like to award this year's Pulitzer Prize to Mr. X. 286 00:11:43,994 --> 00:11:46,372 (cheering and applauding) 287 00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:49,041 Unfortunately, we don't know who he is 288 00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:53,045 so his cash award will be used to feed starving children. 289 00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:55,297 No! Move! Move! 290 00:11:55,923 --> 00:11:57,800 I'm Mr. X! Gimme! Gimme! 291 00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,136 (clamoring) 292 00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:01,595 We'll need some proof. 293 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:03,389 Ta-da! 294 00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:06,225 He is Mr. X. Hah! 295 00:12:07,351 --> 00:12:08,227 Thank you, folks. 296 00:12:08,310 --> 00:12:09,186 And now I'm off 297 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:12,064 to expose more secret conspiracies and... 298 00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:14,942 Ooh! Oh, I bit my tongue! 299 00:12:16,318 --> 00:12:18,571 MARGE: I'm proud that you won the Pulitzer. 300 00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:19,739 Finally. 301 00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:22,992 But I do feel bad about the starving children. 302 00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:24,827 They're with God now. 303 00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:26,537 Oh. Well, that's good. 304 00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:27,747 Oh. 305 00:12:29,039 --> 00:12:31,542 Hey, guys, how's it going? 306 00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:34,837 Oh, don't worry about the Mr. X thing. 307 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,672 I'm just here for a beer. 308 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,674 (hesitates) Uh, I don't know if I want you 309 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,468 in here no more, Homer. 310 00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:44,263 I got a lot of secrets I'd prefer to keep clandestine. 311 00:12:44,346 --> 00:12:46,432 Terrible, disturbing secrets. 312 00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:48,309 MAN: ...so hungry. 313 00:12:48,392 --> 00:12:50,186 I smell another Pulitzer. 314 00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:51,896 Yikes! 315 00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:55,149 Well, Helen, as it says in the Bible... 316 00:12:56,984 --> 00:12:58,527 -I'll tell you later. -Mmm. 317 00:13:00,529 --> 00:13:03,365 Oh, nobody's visiting my web page anymore. 318 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,618 My counter is actually going down. 319 00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:09,288 {\an8}(wind blows) 320 00:13:10,289 --> 00:13:11,749 {\an8}Well, you can't post news 321 00:13:11,832 --> 00:13:13,459 {\an8}if you don't have any. 322 00:13:13,542 --> 00:13:15,336 That's a great idea. 323 00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:17,004 I'll make up some news. 324 00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:20,257 {\an8}(shudders) At least take off your Pulitzer Prize 325 00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:21,342 when you say that. 326 00:13:21,425 --> 00:13:23,677 (humming) 327 00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:25,179 -Let's see now. -(growls) 328 00:13:25,262 --> 00:13:28,349 "Bulletin-- New race discovered 329 00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:32,353 living six inches under Denver." 330 00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:34,396 Oh, Dad. 331 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,690 "All named Morton." 332 00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:39,109 Or... "Mortonson." 333 00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:42,321 This Mr. X says Spanish and Italian 334 00:13:42,404 --> 00:13:43,823 are the same language. 335 00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:45,282 (exhales deeply) Well, that's surprising. 336 00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:48,619 They're controlling our minds with flu shots. 337 00:13:48,702 --> 00:13:49,995 I knew it. 338 00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:51,664 Well, kids, now aren't you glad 339 00:13:51,747 --> 00:13:53,040 we don't believe in inoculations? 340 00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:56,418 BOTH (shivering): Yeah. 341 00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:58,212 Mommy? 342 00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:00,965 Hey, Mr. X, I got a tip for you. 343 00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:03,592 In science class, they're dissecting frozen hoboes 344 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,219 and I have the bindles to prove it. 345 00:14:05,302 --> 00:14:07,346 Real news is great, son, 346 00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:11,058 but I'm getting 1,000 hits an hour with grade-A bull plop. 347 00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:12,268 (bell chimes) 348 00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:14,812 Give me 100 lotto tickets, Apu, 349 00:14:14,895 --> 00:14:16,856 because Mr. X is on a roll. 350 00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:19,650 (groans) Stop it, Apu. 351 00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:21,277 You're scaring me. 352 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,611 (whining) 353 00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:26,407 What's going on? 354 00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:31,203 Help! I'm being kidnapped! 355 00:14:35,457 --> 00:14:37,585 (humming) 356 00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:39,795 (muffled talking) 357 00:14:40,212 --> 00:14:42,256 (muffled) 358 00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:44,341 {\an8}Whoo! (sighs) 359 00:14:45,092 --> 00:14:47,386 {\an8}This is not a library. Whoo! 360 00:14:47,469 --> 00:14:48,804 HOMER: Save me, Mr. X! 361 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,015 Wait. I'm Mr. X. (groans) 362 00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:53,809 (Homer groaning) 363 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,352 (bird squawking) 364 00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:57,313 Huh? Whuzza? 365 00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:59,189 -(squawks) -Hmm, hmm. 366 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:02,401 (birds calling) 367 00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:04,403 {\an8}(peacock squawking) 368 00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,573 What the hell? 369 00:15:11,368 --> 00:15:14,163 How did I get here? What is this place? 370 00:15:15,205 --> 00:15:17,249 This is the island. 371 00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:18,334 How do I get out of here? 372 00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:20,920 Oh, no one leaves the island. 373 00:15:21,295 --> 00:15:23,797 So I'm a prisoner? How come? 374 00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:25,925 Because you know something. 375 00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:27,092 But I don't know anything. 376 00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:28,344 At least I don't think I do. 377 00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:29,762 See you tomorrow. 378 00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:31,180 No, you won't! 379 00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:32,431 Hello, operator? 380 00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:35,017 I'd like to report a really weird island. 381 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:36,977 Please send lots of rescue 'copters to... 382 00:15:37,061 --> 00:15:38,354 (hissing) 383 00:15:39,813 --> 00:15:43,442 (groggily) Oh, well, all right. Whatever. 384 00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:44,443 (thuds) 385 00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:46,403 (snickers) 386 00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:50,032 (groans) 387 00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:54,703 Welcome, friend. I'm Number Six. 388 00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,121 I'm number 15. 389 00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:57,623 What number are you? 390 00:15:57,706 --> 00:15:59,124 I am not a number. 391 00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:00,167 I am a man 392 00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:01,335 and don't you ever... 393 00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:02,628 Oh, wait, I'm Number Five. 394 00:16:02,711 --> 00:16:04,880 Ha-ha, in your face, Number Six! 395 00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:06,632 Yes, well done. 396 00:16:06,715 --> 00:16:08,884 Who are all these oddballs? 397 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:11,428 Well, they keep us here because we know too much. 398 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:14,556 Number 27 there knows how to turn water into gasoline. 399 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:17,810 Number 12 knows the deadly secret behind Tic-Tacs 400 00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:20,479 and I invented the bottomless peanut bag. 401 00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:22,064 Wow! 402 00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:24,483 So, who brought us here? 403 00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:25,567 I don't know. 404 00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:27,945 -Did you bring us here? -No. 405 00:16:31,031 --> 00:16:32,032 Don't worry. 406 00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:34,326 If even half of your husband is out here 407 00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:36,120 Officer Scraps will find him. 408 00:16:36,203 --> 00:16:38,372 Oh, that's a darling name for a dog. 409 00:16:40,624 --> 00:16:42,001 (barks) 410 00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:45,004 (barking) 411 00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:50,968 Yep, he's on the trail, all right. 412 00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:54,013 -Uh-oh. -(barking frantically) 413 00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:55,389 Better go fish him out, Lou. 414 00:16:55,472 --> 00:16:56,348 OK, Chief. 415 00:16:58,058 --> 00:17:00,686 Uh, the shoes are part of the uniform. 416 00:17:00,769 --> 00:17:01,979 Right, Chief. 417 00:17:02,479 --> 00:17:04,565 (groans) 418 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,237 (groans) 419 00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:13,866 Oh, they drugged the tea. 420 00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:16,577 They knew my one weakness. 421 00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:18,579 (hydraulic whirring) 422 00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:22,624 Hello, Number Five. 423 00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:23,876 How's every little thing? 424 00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:26,003 Who are you and why are you holding me here? 425 00:17:26,086 --> 00:17:28,922 I want answers now or I want them eventually! 426 00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:30,507 Fair enough. I'll level with you. 427 00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:31,884 (groans) 428 00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:34,386 Ow. Please, don't do that. 429 00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,305 -Sorry. -I'll be blunt. 430 00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:38,724 Your web page has stumbled upon our secret plan. 431 00:17:38,807 --> 00:17:39,892 That's impossible. 432 00:17:39,975 --> 00:17:41,852 All my stories are bull plop. 433 00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:43,312 Bull plop! 434 00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:44,563 Don't be cute. 435 00:17:44,646 --> 00:17:47,066 I'm referring to the flu shot expose. 436 00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:48,776 You see, we're the ones loading them 437 00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:50,694 with mind-controlling additives. 438 00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:52,112 But why? (grunts) 439 00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:55,574 To drive people into a frenzy of shopping. 440 00:17:55,657 --> 00:17:58,827 That's why flu shots are given just before Christmas. 441 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:00,204 Of course. 442 00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:02,081 It's so simple. 443 00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:03,248 Wait. No, it's not. 444 00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:04,625 It's needlessly complicated. 445 00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:06,877 Yes, it is. And we can't have you out there 446 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,212 mucking it up, now, can we? 447 00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:09,296 No, sir. 448 00:18:09,379 --> 00:18:10,297 There's a good boy. 449 00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:11,715 Let's get you some ice cream. 450 00:18:13,008 --> 00:18:14,051 There we are. 451 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:18,055 Look, you can drug me all you want 452 00:18:18,138 --> 00:18:19,389 but my family won't rest 453 00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,266 till they find my drug-bloated corpse. 454 00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:23,727 I wouldn't count on that, Number Five. 455 00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,187 As far as your family knows 456 00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,439 Homer Simpson is walking in the front door 457 00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:29,650 right about now. 458 00:18:29,733 --> 00:18:32,444 I'm sorry. What? 459 00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:34,029 (humming fretfully) 460 00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,572 (gasps) Homie! 461 00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:38,450 (German accent) Marge, honey, fraulein, I'm home. 462 00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,369 You're not my husband. 463 00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:43,163 Jah, please forgive my unexplained two-week absence. 464 00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:44,414 To make it up to you 465 00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:47,292 we will go out to dinner at a sensibly priced restaurant 466 00:18:47,376 --> 00:18:49,628 then have a night of efficient German sex. 467 00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:52,297 Well, I sure don't feel like cooking. 468 00:18:57,261 --> 00:18:58,554 (hissing) 469 00:18:58,637 --> 00:18:59,930 Oh... 470 00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:03,267 (buzzing) 471 00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:05,269 Aren't there any evil movies on? 472 00:19:05,352 --> 00:19:07,271 Maybe something about an evil island? 473 00:19:07,354 --> 00:19:09,481 {\an8}There's something really different about you, Dad. 474 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:12,651 I am a new tie wearing. 475 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:13,986 Oh, yeah. 476 00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:16,071 (Homer groaning) 477 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,282 I'm tired of being drugged and gassed. 478 00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:19,992 There's got to be a way to escape. 479 00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:21,535 -Psst. -Huh? 480 00:19:21,618 --> 00:19:24,079 I've worked on this for 33 years. 481 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,498 It's made out of toilet paper rolls 482 00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:28,584 toothpicks and plastic forks. 483 00:19:29,084 --> 00:19:32,588 And the sail is made of scabs and dynamite. 484 00:19:32,671 --> 00:19:35,007 It's small and it's smelly 485 00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:36,967 but it should carry both of us to... 486 00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:39,261 -(groans) -Whoo-hoo! 487 00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:44,349 Tha-that's the third time that's happened. 488 00:19:50,105 --> 00:19:52,024 Oh, no, an anti-escape orb! 489 00:19:57,279 --> 00:19:58,155 (groans) 490 00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:00,866 (grunts) 491 00:20:00,949 --> 00:20:02,034 Huh. That was easy. 492 00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:07,623 Why did you think a big balloon would stop people? 493 00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:09,041 Shut up, that's why! 494 00:20:09,124 --> 00:20:11,210 Ooh! What a horrible four months! 495 00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:12,669 Now to warn everybody. 496 00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:15,714 Attention, some crazy creeps on an island somewhere 497 00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:17,549 are secretly running the world. 498 00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:20,636 -Hey! -Sorry, old chap 499 00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:22,387 but you're proving quite the caterpillar 500 00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:23,722 in our buttermilk. 501 00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:25,474 -Huh? -We're shutting you down. 502 00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:26,558 Not a chance. 503 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,435 No one can silence me but me. 504 00:20:28,518 --> 00:20:31,313 That arranged can be. 505 00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:32,314 Wha...? 506 00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:34,107 (gasps) 507 00:20:34,191 --> 00:20:36,318 (gagging) 508 00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:39,905 Yes, fight and struggle. 509 00:20:39,988 --> 00:20:41,615 (grunts) 510 00:20:41,698 --> 00:20:44,910 If I know me, he won't like being kicked in the crotch. 511 00:20:44,993 --> 00:20:47,371 (in German) Gott im Himmel! 512 00:20:47,454 --> 00:20:49,414 (in English) Oh, Marge, it's me, The real Homer. 513 00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:51,541 Oh, Homie! 514 00:20:51,625 --> 00:20:53,210 Mmm-mm. 515 00:20:53,293 --> 00:20:55,254 (slow clapping) 516 00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,674 Bravo, Number Five. 517 00:20:58,757 --> 00:21:01,593 But you know what happens to bad little fishies 518 00:21:01,677 --> 00:21:03,136 who wriggle through the net? 519 00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:04,554 Can I turn this off? 520 00:21:04,638 --> 00:21:06,473 -Absolutely. -Hey! 521 00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:08,058 Nice to have you back, Homer. 522 00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:09,351 (barking) 523 00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:11,061 The dog thinks so, too. 524 00:21:11,144 --> 00:21:12,479 (all laughing) 525 00:21:12,562 --> 00:21:14,231 "The dog thinks..." 526 00:21:14,314 --> 00:21:15,732 (all groaning) 527 00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:17,567 Bad dog. 528 00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:21,446 (laughing gaily) 529 00:21:21,530 --> 00:21:23,282 Once you get used to the druggings 530 00:21:23,365 --> 00:21:25,075 this isn't a bad place. 531 00:21:25,158 --> 00:21:26,952 Oh, it's wonderful. 532 00:21:27,035 --> 00:21:29,413 Truly God's country. 533 00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:30,455 (snickers) 534 00:21:30,539 --> 00:21:32,040 (hissing) 535 00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,501 HOMER (sinisterly): See you on the island. 536 00:21:34,584 --> 00:21:37,462 LISA (robotically): Yes, the island. 537 00:21:42,926 --> 00:21:44,011 (theme music playing) 538 00:22:23,383 --> 00:22:24,551 Shh! 539 00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:30,182 {\an8}Captioned by Visual Data Media Services