(theme music playing)
CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(bell ringing)
(whistle blows)
(beeping)
(playing the blues)
(tires screech)
(honking)
D-oh! (screams)
(tires screeching)
MARGE: Mmm.
Mmm... good pancakes, Mom.
Well, thank you, honey.
They come in a squeeze bottle now.
-(flatulating noise) -Ooh! (scoffs)
I better put on the silencer.
(muted flatulating)
You know what would be good with these
is some Ms. Butterworth.
Let's have a breakfast meeting.
Eww!
How long has this baking soda been in here?
I don't know. It came with the house.
Hey, Dad, bet you five bucks you can't eat the whole box.
Five? Why don't we make it $50?
(laughing) You're going to regret this.
I'll call Poison Control.
Fran? It's me.
Just a heads-up.
Wow... (sniffing)
The absorbed odors of a million meals.
Oh, so many flavors.
All those tasty memories flooding back...
(gasping)
MAN: If it doesn't fit, you must acquit.
RICHARD NIXON: Therefore, I shall resign the Presidency...
NEIL ARMSTRONG: That's one small step for man...
one giant leap for mankind.
(giggling)
Uh-oh.
Dad's having an antacid trip.
And I won 50 bucks.
Can I see the 50, Bart?
Can I? Huh?
Milhouse, my friend
you and I are going on a spending spree.
My doctor says
I'm not supposed to go on sprees.
What about jags?
Jags are fine.
Wonderful.
-(clearing throat) -A $50 bill!
Gentlemen...
let us shop.
Our wide variety of gum
comes in both stick and ball.
I'm not really about gum
but I like the whole chewing thing.
Are you averse to crispy centers, sir?
-Not at all. -Then we have much to discuss.
Oh... too much raw bacon.
Come on, Bart.
We can't stop spending now.
There's one thing I've always wanted to do.
My Mom doesn't believe in fabric softener,
but she's not around.
I'm picking the next thing.
It looks like we're down to our last ten bucks.
Hello.
Radioactive Man number 1000, please.
Ten dollars? I laugh at you.
Please to note, this is no ordinary comic book.
It is in Perma-Mint condition.
If you spill soda on it
the drops fly off harmlessly onto lesser comics.
BOTH: Whoa!
Yes, you are quite correct to gasp.
Also note the price, $25.
We had to buy lunch for that homeless guy.
While my son's at fat camp
I cleaned out his room.
How much will you give me for this?
Probably nothing, but let us see.
Oh... handwritten script for Star Wars by George Lucas?
Princess Leia's anti-jiggle breast tape?
Film reel labeled
"Alternate Ending: Luke's Father is Chewbacca"?
Ooh! Ooh!
I'll give you five dollars for the box.
Sold.
Don't do it, lady. That stuff's worth thousands.
Yeah. He's ripping you off.
Well! If this is valuable
then back to the leaky basement it goes.
Hmm!
Smile, please.
(shutter clicks)
Thank you.
(gasps)
Son, I know it hurts.
I still remember my first lifetime banning.
(applauding)
(grunting) Oh!
Hey, where's my melon?
What the...
Ahh!
And you are banned for life
from all of my performances and TV specials.
But I can still see your movies, right?
(grunts)
(crying)
And I never saw Gallagher again.
Ooh, it says here
that special effects whiz Tom Savini
is going to be appearing at the comic book store tonight.
Tom Savini?
Yes. It says here
he's the movie magician behind Creepshow
Friday the 13th, and Dawn of the Dead.
Oh... I can't believe I'm going to miss that.
Don't worry your spiky little head.
I've got it all planned out.
How could you have it planned out?
You just heard about the problem.
You're right. Give me a minute.
Hmm...
Mr. Simpson, it hurts.
Yeah, and why did we have to do this
all the way from home?
For once in my life, I'm tall.
Don't take that away from me.
(affected voice) Hello...
I'm Shaquille O'Neal.
Let us in, please.
(all exclaiming)
You two are not welcome.
Sorry, son.
-Thanks for the tip-off. -No problem.
Appearing exclusively here at the Android's Dungeon...
Take that, Messieurs Barnes and Noble.
...the king of splatter, Tom Savini.
(applause)
Good evening.
(belches)
Sorry. I had a really big dinner.
Whoo! Dinner!
But I'm sure one more French fry wouldn't hurt.
(groaning)
(cheers)
Oh, we missed "the gut-buster."
Yeah, that should be us covered with blood.
Sure, computer technology is here to stay
but there'll always be a place
for the practical special effects wizard.
(cheering)
I love the theater.
Oh, please.
I saw Paul Lynde
do that same hackneyed trick on Bewitched.
Try to explode this out of my belly.
That's not a cookie.
[exclaiming)
That's a time-release blood pack.
(groaning)
You, sir, are a perfect patsy.
Let me shake your hand.
Ugh. To the gag, I will give a D-plus.
As for the workmanship on the hand...
Ooh...
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
That's not right.
(all laughing)
You mocking me.
Oh, that is rich.
(groaning)
(laughing continues)
Stop your laughing!
You're all banned!
Banned, I tell you!
Ooh... Breath... short
left arm... numb.
Can't go on...
describing symptoms much longer.
(groaning)
(gasps)
I think he's had a heart attack.
(all gasping)
Young man, you've had what we call
a "cardiac episode."
Worst... episode... ever.
Oh, not even close.
If these boys hadn't called 911
I'd be wearing that watch right now.
(laughing) I'm just kidding.
But you would be dead.
You saved my life?
Yeah, after you were so mean to us.
So now we're even.
My prognosis... or is it diagnosis?
Whichever. You need to avoid stress.
Now, what kind of work do you do?
I run a comic book store.
Oh, dear Lord!
We call that profession "The Widowmaker."
Or we would, if any of the proprietors were married.
You should close down the store for a while.
But I'd lose all my business to Frodo's of Shelbyville.
Well, then get a friend to run it for you.
You... do have friends, don't you?
Well, the Superfriends.
You should get some friends
who aren't printed on paper.
What? You mean action figures?
We'll run the store for you.
Two ten-year-olds running my store?
W--what is this? Bizarro World?
Calm down.
Don't make me put a dog heart in there.
Can you believe it, Bart?
We're actually running a comic book store.
Looks like our lifetime ban just expired.
(alarm blaring)
Sorry. Sorry.
OK, here's Comic Book Guy's instructions,
"A carton of malted milk balls
"one box confectioner's sugar
a can of chocolate frosting..."
That's just his shopping list.
No, it's his instructions.
Well, we're going to make some changes around here.
This store is going to be run by kids
and for kids.
You said it, partner.
Oh, nice to see you.
Hey, how about that Bloodzilla?
(laughing)
Vampire Dinosaur.
Oh... you can't make that stuff up.
The Death of Sad Sack.
This better not be another fake-out.
Uh-uh. You've got to be 40 inches tall
for the adult section.
Please!
OK, but get on your tippy-toes.
Everybody's hugging.
Hey, Bart, I finished
organizing the stockroom.
Mark down the Poochie crap.
Then unstick all the Supergirls.
You know, if we're partners, maybe you should do some of the work.
Less barking, more marking.
Yes, sir, partner.
(exit bell rings)
Hmm.
Now, when you've got a bum ticker like we do
you need all the friends you can get.
And Moe's is the friendliest place in the Rum District.
Get out and take your Sacajawea dollars with you.
I'll give you till three.
One...
(body thuds)
Hey, Homer, who's the manatee?
(patrons laughing)
Oh, now be nice, Moe.
This guy just got out of the hospital.
Oh, sorry. Let me buy you a drink.
Very well.
I will have a shot of cranberry schnapps.
Uh, these, uh... they're just painted on there.
Your choices are beer and, uh, egg soakings.
I'll pass.
Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.
Hey... you knocking beer?
Nobody badmouths Duff.
Oh, piece of crap.
Come on. You're here to make friends.
Please, if I wanted to hear mindless droning
I'd befriend an air conditioner.
Oh, now he's ragging on air conditioners.
Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal.
Get him!
And stay out!
Is there a word in Klingon for "loneliness"?
Ah, yes.
Garrlll dak!
LISA: Milhouse, I'm impressed.
The store is so busy.
You and Bart are really great businessmen.
Well, I'm really the brains.
Bart's just the eye candy.
Hi. Eric Reynolds, Plan Nine Comics.
Is the manager here?
Well... I'm kind of the co-manager.
Tough break, Toots.
I need a man who answers to no one.
A full manager.
Hatchi-matchi!
I can help you, sir.
And I answer to no one.
Well, then, you'll want to stock up
on our new superhero.
Would you say he's the ultimate superhero?
Oh, very ultimate indeed.
Point your peepers
at Biclops.
(gasps)
A superhero with glasses!
Oh, yeah, thick glasses...
kind of like yours.
So, how many do you need? 500? 600?
Six hundred sounds good.
Oh, that's too bad.
There's a price break at 1,000.
Oh, man.
I'll take 2,000.
Human contact... the final frontier.
(sighing)
Out of the way, Tubby.
Oh, pardon me, "Oldie Hawn."
Wh... ah!
Why you ill-mannered sack of crap!
Oh, goody.
Now I know whatever happened to Baby Jane.
You are the rudest man who ever...
bought me dinner.
Correction. I do not believe
I have ever bought you... Oh.
(theme from A Summer Place playing)
So, how many issues of Biclops would you like?
Biclops?
Who's his girlfriend? Lois Lame?
He's kinda afraid of girls.
Ah, it doesn't even smack good.
How could you spend all our money
on a comic book published by LensCrafters?
We'll never sell these.
Birds won't even use them in their nests.
(squawking)
(grumbling squawks)
OK. So I made one bad decision.
(sighing) It's my fault
for leaving you in charge.
Sometimes, I forget how young you are.
I'm only three months younger than you.
Oh, look, you're getting cranky.
You haven't had your juice.
Well, my straw broke off in the carton.
That's not the point!
We're supposed to be partners
and you're pushing me around
like a Playskool Corn Popper.
It's a vacuum cleaner, Milhouse.
Whatever! I demand respect!
I have feelings!
I'm a human boy!
Just like you!
(quietly) Shh. Use your indoor voice.
OK, that's it.
(groans)
(screaming)
En garde!
Oh!
(grunting with effort)
Eat watering can, partner!
(thudding)
Whoa!
Comic Book Guy's secret stash!
Look all these bootleg videos!
Alien Autopsy.
Illegal Alien Autopsy.
Godfather III, good version.
He's got the tape of Kent Brockman
picking his nose!
Look! He's picking his nose!
(clock ticking)
MRS. SKINNER: (flirty) I'll be right down!
I'm just putting on my witch hazel.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
So, uh, your mother tells me
you go to Springfield Elementary.
Exactly what is your interest in my mother?
She makes me laugh.
Here I come!
(loud squeaking)
(gasping) Good Lord, Mother, I can see your...
figure.
Oh, you see a lot more when you do my daily mole check.
What I do for my allowance money is nobody's business.
He's not nobody.
He might even be your new daddy.
(cackling)
(snickering)
(strangled gulp)
"Police informant tape"?
These are never supposed to leave the station.
I really hate to be a snitch.
WIGGUM: Don't worry.
Your yellow-bellied ratting will be held
in the strictest confidence.
(sighs) Well, in that case...
My neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape in my house.
It's, uh, it's taken over the whole top floor.
It wasn't Dad's fault.
The ape tricked him.
What's next?
"Mr. Rogers drunk."
MR. ROGERS: Well, what do you mean
I can't take off my sweater?
(screaming) I'm hot!
You know, I'll bet kids would pay to see this stuff.
We could have a midnight screening right here in the store!
(gasps)
That's actually a great idea, Milhouse.
Really?
Well, I was due.
I'll say... partner.
MARGE: So many restaurants.
Oh, I can't decide!
I throw myself on the mercy of the food court.
Um... I guess I'll have the chicken tandoori.
And I'll have the beef Wellington.
(buzzer beeping)
Oh, look at you two!
You look so couply.
Yes, we're a perfect match.
Her sneer just lights up my day.
And we're always finishing each other's insults.
♪ And they called it ♪
♪ Puppy love ♪
♪ Oh, I guess they'll never know ♪
(both guffawing)
Oh, that does my heart good.
♪ Really feels ♪
♪ And I love her so ♪
AGNES: Sunsets.
Thank God there's only one of these a day.
Could it be any more orange?
(sighs contentedly)
I must warn you that once this next tape starts
it will not stop, because that button is broken.
Let's watch.
If you are watching this tape
you are the President of the United States.
Hello, sir or ma'am.
Hopefully sir.
Got that right.
BOTH: Yes!
The town of Springfield has been classified NWB
or "Nuclear Whipping Boy."
In the first moments of a nuclear war
Springfield will be bombed at will by all friendly nations
to calibrate their missiles.
(cheering)
Now for total security, I will terminate the cameraman.
-(groaning) -(body thuds)
Thanks a lot, Steve.
(all laughing)
All right, this is a raid!
(heads thudding)
Well, well, well...
this place has got more pirated tapes than a...
A Chinese K-Mart?
Well, that'll have to do.
Uh, these yours, son?
No, sir.
We're just exhibiting them for profit without permission.
Fair enough.
But the owner is in more hot water than...
A Japanese tea bag?
Why don't you lay off the Asians, Lou?
♪ Baby, I'm-a want you ♪
♪ Baby, I'm-a need you ♪
Well, you've changed me, Agnes.
Maybe there is room in my store for romance comics.
Nobody'll buy those.
Your store smells.
Now kiss me, Funny Face.
All right!
Oh, oh! Dear God!
Cover your eyes, boys.
(retching)
It's OK, man.
If it doesn't affect you, you're not human.
Uh, Comic Book Guy, you're under arrest
for the possession of illegal videos.
But we'll reduce the sentence
if you put your pants on, fast!
God!
Come on, Romeo.
They can't lock me up for long, Agnes.
Will you wait for me?
Are you crazy?
My bones are half dust.
Well, we may not have the store
but at least we're friends again.
Yep.
And we haven't been to school
in days and days and days.
Oh, well.
Looks like everything's back to normal.
Ow!
Look, if you want me to turn, just point.
That-- ow!
It's one way!
(monkey gibbering)
NED: Ow! Ow! Now what was that for?
-(monkey slapping) -NED: Ow! Ow! Ow!
(closing theme music)
Shh!
AGNES: Why, you ill-mannered sack of crap!
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services