(theme music playing)
CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(bell ringing)
(whistle blows)
(playing the blues)
(tires screeching)
(honking horn)
(tires screeching)
D'oh! (screams)
(tires screeching)
Oh, Doctor, I'm crazy! (sobbing)
ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to America's favorite game show...
ALL: Me Wantee!
ANNOUNCER: And here's that question-asking guy...
Virgil Sinclair!
-All right, Moe Szyslak... -Yes, Virgil?
Yesterday we asked if you wanted to risk it all
for $500,000
and you stalled for 20 minutes.
Yes. Yes, I did. I was told to.
Hey, that's great. But now we must have your answer
in the next 10 or 15 minutes.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
You want some of this? Well, do you?
I can honestly say I do.
All right, then. For half a million dollars
which of the following is not a subatomic particle?
Oy.
(Virgil reading)
Oh, boy.
All right, let's see here. Uh...
Well, I was born in Indiana...
so that ain't it.
And, uh... hmm. I better call my lifeline.
(ringing)
Yello?
Hey, Moe! We're watching you on TV!
Yeah, I know, Homer.
HOMER: So, how's that bowel obstruction doing?
Homer! Please. Heh-heh.
I got a nuclear-type question here.
Well, it all starts when
a nulecule comes out of its nest.
The answer is "bonbon"!
I'm going to say "bonbon."
"Bonbon," eh, Moe?
Is that your... ultimate response?
-Yuh-huh. -Oh... you are...
correct!
(groans)
Well, Moe, would you like to stop where you are
or try for $1 million?
(audience gasps)
Well... gee, I really do love currency
but, um, I think I'm going to play it safe
and stick with what I got.
-You're the boss. -Yes, I am.
(cheering)
Eh, this quiz show crap is just a fad.
Well, fad or not, it's here to stay.
And it's killing your show in the ratings.
Hey, what do you want from me? I do a kid show!
And it's a classic. We just want you to open it up.
Run wild. Shatter the boundaries. Slash and burn.
Without alienating anyone.
Oy, these facockta network notes.
Can you believe this?
(blowing raspberry)
All we're saying is be dangerous.
But warm. And edgy-cute.
Aah!
Did that exit work for you?
I'd like to see it without the scream.
I was just thinking that.
(barking rhythmically)
Hey, hey, kids!
Let's hear it for Madame Mimi
and her Cheese-Seeking Poodles!
We'll be back with a sketch set in the craziest place...
a restaurant!
(goofy laughter)
And... roll commercial.
Krusty? Yeah.
Quick thought about this restaurant set.
Huh?
Could it look more like a diner?
Ooh! The Seinfeld diner!
Are you nuts? I'm on in five seconds.
'Cause the great thing about Seinfeld was...
You're on, Krusty.
Ah. Nothing like a meal in a fine restaurant.
Ah, here comes the waitress.
We're losing male teens.
Can you get jiggy with something?
You're giving me notes while I'm on the air?
That tears it!
Folks, I've been in show biz for 61 years,
but now these jerks have sucked all the fun out.
I don't need 12 suits telling me which way to pee.
Uh, for "pee," could you substitute "whiz"?
I... don't know-- that could upset the Cheez Whiz people.
I was just thinking that.
I can't take it anymore!
Folks, don't miss this Friday's show.
It'll be my last!
(gasping)
Quitting show biz.
Yeah, I know I like the area, but where does it go?
Get away from me!
Wait!
We have more notes!
(both grunting)
Get off, damn you!
You can kill me, but two more will take my place!
I can't believe Krusty's retiring.
This is tragic.
A world without Krusty.
What would that be like?
What's on TV?
Nutsy the clown.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Well, I think it's good for a show to go off the air
before it becomes stale and repetitive.
Maggie shot Mr. Burns again!
(cricket chirping)
(coughs)
Krusty the Clown's retirement
has provoked an outpouring of anguish
not seen since the small plane crash
that killed the Banana Splits.
We now go live to Krustylu Studios.
(all sobbing)
What's the mood there, Chief Clancy Wiggum?
These kids are getting a little out of hand, Kent,
so we're going to have to fire the time-out gas.
(all yelling)
Hey, Kent, are you guys still having that contest
where we guess what city the weather girl's in?
(chuckling) That was eight years ago.
Is it Pittsburgh?
I spoke to Krusty about his legacy of laughter.
Kent, the young people today
they think comedy is dirty words.
It's not. It's words that sound dirty.
Like mukluk.
(both laughing)
KRUSTY (over P.A. system): Mukluk.
You like that? No charge. Mukluk.
Mukluk.
Oh, can it, you tiresome tot-sitter.
I was the risible one in our dyad.
Ever watch the old episodes?
Oh, Kent, that's a sad story.
I taped over all my old episodes.
Oh, you know, I had a thing for Judge Judy
and blank tape was $3.99.
What would you do?
(gasps)
Those are my shows.
Frankly, Kent, those episodes were no big loss.
The show didn't really get funny
until we fired Sideshow Bob and hired whosits.
You've erased my past.
Now I'll erase your future.
Hey, hey, lights out!
Oh, honestly.
At Chino, they get to stay up till 9:00.
Now, Bob, I've talked to the warden at Chino
and that's just not true.
(grumbling)
Your Honor, my incarceration
is cruel and unusual punishment.
First, my prison-issued shower sandals
are grossly undersized.
Secondly, the prison book club
consists mainly of prisoners who club me with books.
These are from the new Tom Clancy.
Although it's less painful than reading him.
Am I right, folks?
Motion granted! Release the prisoner!
(thunder rumbling)
Now, don't try anything funny this time, Bob.
I'm going to be on you like red beans on, uh...
Hey, hey, don't walk so fast.
Hey, no fair-- you got long legs.
I got these little bitty hooves.
(panting) Bob!
OK, here's your storage locker
just the way you left it.
Thank you, Raphael.
Now, this is a ticklish question, but...
You want to live in the box?
Cost you two bucks a day.
Oh, thank you, kind innkeeper.
You going to want a wake-up jab?
-Please. -( in Spanish) No Problemo.
(humming a tune)
-(door opening) -(in English) MAN: Hiya, neighbor!
(gasps)
Hey, wai-wai-wait. Whatcha writing there?
If you must know,
it's an exquisite scheme for revenge.
Ah, revenge, huh?
Half the guys in here are working on that.
(maniacal chuckle)
Well, mine's better.
Phase One begins in...
ten, nine, eight...
Oh, I can't wait!
Now, Bob, uh, your graduate degrees
more than qualify you to be assistant janitor.
(chuckles)
My blushes.
But I am a bit troubled
by your constant attempts to murder people.
To be fair, most of those people were Bart Simpson.
(chuckling) Good luck.
That kid's like the Road Runner, he won't go down.
Tell me about it.
(both chuckling)
Hey... you know, Bob, your voice would be perfect
for the school's morning announcements.
Attention, the French club picnic has been canceled.
(in French) Quel dommage.
(chuckles) (in English) You're hired.
It begins.
(evil chuckle)
(evil laughter)
I mean, my...
announcing career. That's what's beginning.
SIDESHOW BOB: Good morning. Springfield Elementary.
In the lost and found today, we have one plaid kilt.
Ooh!
I believe the clan is "Graham of Montrose."
Aw.
This new morning announcer sounds awfully familiar.
And finally, Bart Simpson
should immediately proceed, unescorted
to the old sports equipment shed behind the school.
(evil chuckling)
Ha. So long, suckers.
(humming)
(swings creaking)
-(wind whistling) -(birds screeching)
(ghostly voices) ♪ Ring around the rosy... ♪
(screaming)
-Hello, Bart. -(gasps)
Oh, it's you, Bob. How you doing?
No screams?
Not even an "eep"?
Hey, I'm not afraid of you.
Every time we tangle, you wind up in jail.
I'm 6-0.
I'll admit that the record is a little one-sided.
But this time, I cannot fail.
(growling)
Rakes. My old archenemy.
I thought I was your archenemy.
I have a life outside of you, Bart.
(thunder rumbling)
What're you going to do to me?
Oh, believe me, I have a plan.
Let's see.
Get job as school announcer... Lure Bart to shed...
Secure same to chair with rope...
Ah, here we are. "Have Bart kill Krusty."
Krusty?
That's the one man I would never kill.
Oh, you will kill Krusty.
During his final show.
And you won't even know you're doing it.
Watch the shiny quarter, Bart.
That's it.
Oh, damn it, where'd it go?
I needed that for laundry.
Hey, stupid.
(laughing) You looked.
(muttering)
Yes, that will do.
Watch the spiral, Bart.
Let it entrance you with its twirliness.
Twirliness.
You are in my power.
(robotically) I am at your command.
I didn't say anything about command.
You're in my power. Say so.
I am in your power.
Excellent. Actually, go back to command.
No, power. Power.
Look, Krusty invited us to the taping of his last episode.
(robotically) Hello, family.
Where've you been, young man? It's nearly bedtime.
I was... I was...
If anyone asks
you were at the flower shop.
I was at the flower shop.
Oh, yeah, I was at the flower shop, too.
Yep, getting drunk at the old flower shop.
Mm-hmm.
Now, to see if you will really attack your hero...
(yelling)
(grunting)
Yes, yes!
Work the groin.
Excuse me-- could you take our picture?
Uh, yeah.
It should focus automatically.
It do.
Chief, you might want to take a look outside.
That's it!
Kill Krusty!
Just like you'll kill him tomorrow night!
Aw, it's so great to see a kid using a wooden bat.
These days it's all aluminum this
and George W. that.
Hey, Chief, look what I got in my Laffy Meal.
Oh, mini-pinball.
Hey, give that back.
Give what back, Lou? (snickering)
Oh, yeah! (laughing maniacally)
Good evening, folks.
Welcome to my final clown-cast.
The word "legend" has many definitions...
(zombie-like) This is for Sideshow Bob.
(screaming)
(moaning)
Marvelous, marvelous.
Funny till the end.
Moment of silence.
Well, it's my show now.
(cheering and applause)
Thank you, thank you...
Thank you.
Hmm...
Oh, just a dream.
But tonight, I will taste the sweet nectar of vengeance.
-(laughing) -(knock on door)
ATTENDANT: Bug spray!
Ohh...
(karate yells)
Kent Brockman here at Krusty the Clown's final show.
And here comes out-of-work actor Ranier Wolfcastle.
Someone please, give me a job.
I've lowered my quote to $8 million.
(chuckling) Hear that, Hollywood?
The boy wants to work.
I do nude scene, I play nerd...
Don't make me punch your throat.
(chuckling) Always a delight.
ANNOUNCER: And now, retiring for the fifth and final time...
-Krusty the Klown! -(applause)
Thank you, folks. Now, fasten your funny belts
as our own Chimpendale's dancer
gives you the Full Monkey.
♪ I believe in miracles ♪
HOMER: Take it off!
♪ Where you from? ♪
♪ You sexy thing ♪
♪ Sexy thing, you... ♪
SIDESHOW BOB: Bart...
Bart...
It's time, Bart.
Time to blow up the clown.
Go. Blow.
And now a special treat...
My TV debut on the Milk of Magnesia Summer Cavalcade.
Let's watch.
Look at me.
I am Kaputnik, the Russian satellite.
Yah! The Bolshoi's doing the Nutcracker in my pants.
(gasping)
Back then you couldn't say "pants" on TV.
I was banned for ten years.
Finally, I got a second chance on Laugh-In.
Hey, Krusty, what do you get
when you cross a chicken with a beagle?
(banging and grunting)
KRUSTY: The facockta doors are stuck!
Don't just stare, Arty, help me!
Those lousy shutters set me back another 22 years.
(applause and cheering)
(humming)
(a la Jackie Gleason) Mm, that's good plastic explosive.
Ha-ha-ha.
Now, my little hypno-assassin, your cue to attack will be
when Krusty says "I've never had such a great audience."
You will run up and hug him
blowing each of you to smithereens.
Whatever.
Now we're going to show you some clips from...
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Oh, no!
I wanted to keep this quiet.
(chuckles) Can I embarrass this guy for a moment?
Three years ago, Krusty pledged over a million dollars
to start Krusty's Kare Center.
-(applause) -Please, stop already.
To this day Krusty has not given us a dime
has he, Francis?
I'm cold all the time.
Oh, look, it was all a bookkeeping snafu.
-Could I have the check now? -Now?
Uh, sure.
God bless you, Krusty.
ALL: Aww...
And if my banker's watching
let nothing stop you from payment of this check.
Ah, the catwalk.
A perfect vantage point...
for revenge.
(chuckles evilly)
Ah, kettle chips, the perfect side dish...
for revenge.
What a special night.
And you know something?
I've never had such a great audience.
Hmm?
-We've had a lot... -Poor Krusty.
This is your Waterloo.
Soon you'll be Napoleon Blownapart.
Ugh, terrible.
Oh, hush up, Leo.
You know, I'd like to thank God for all my success
even though I never worshiped or believed in Him in any way.
But before I sweep up my last spotlight
there's one thing I've got to say.
Over the years I've...
a lot of-- Whoa!
and I've-- guh, guh
my share of-- Ah-ooga!
but there's only one thing I'm ashamed of.
"Ashamed"?
There was a man who used to work for me.
A man of grace and humor, but I mistreated him
and drove him to a life of crime
so wherever you are, I just want to say
Sideshow Bob, I'm sorry.
♪ Oh, Bob, you repaid my abuse with raw hatred ♪
♪ But I need you today ♪
♪ Oh, Bob, well, you went ♪
♪ To Apu's and you framed me ♪
♪ So they locked me away ♪
Oh, that sweet, funny man.
Oh, no!
My boy bomb!
Well, good night and...
Oh, look, it's a tow-headed little fan.
What do you say, folks?
-Should I hug him? -ALL: Yeah!
No!
Hmm?
(yelling)
Oh, God, a bomb!
I was just thinking that.
(resigned sigh)
What happened? Was anyone hurt?
Just some network executives.
BOTH (robotically): We have notes.
Have you thought about Dave Chapelle?
Destroy!
OK, everybody,
say "funny."
ALL: Funny!
Perfect.
Krusty, I'm so sorry about the attempted murder.
Will you stop with the sorry?
Every time you try to kill me
my ratings go through the roof, you nut.
We are good together, Krusty.
It makes me sad that you're getting the death penalty.
-Ah. Don't remind me. -(squeaking)
(sighs) OK, where do you want to do this thing?
Isn't it customary to have a trial?
Oh, a wise guy, huh?
(theme music playing)
-(people chattering) -Shh!
KRUSTY: Mukluk.
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services