1 00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:02,961 (theme music playing) 2 00:00:03,044 --> 00:00:06,548 CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 3 00:00:16,933 --> 00:00:18,643 (bell ringing) 4 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,275 (whistle blows) 5 00:00:30,071 --> 00:00:31,322 (beeping) 6 00:00:35,326 --> 00:00:37,620 (playing the blues) 7 00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:47,464 (tires screeching) 8 00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:48,590 (chimes) 9 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,054 (tires screeching) 10 00:00:58,933 --> 00:00:59,934 (honking horn) 11 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,270 (tires screeching) 12 00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:06,733 D'oh! (screaming) 13 00:01:06,816 --> 00:01:07,901 (tires screeching) 14 00:01:26,711 --> 00:01:27,712 {\an8}(grunts) 15 00:01:29,380 --> 00:01:32,675 I can't believe it! We won another contest. 16 00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:37,180 {\an8}-The Simpsons are going to Delaware! -I wanna see Wilmington! 17 00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:40,141 {\an8}-I wanna visit a screen door factory. -Yep. 18 00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,018 Delaware's got it all. 19 00:01:42,852 --> 00:01:44,813 You're next, Mr. Simpson. 20 00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:48,316 {\an8}Hey, wait a minute. "Airport tax, $5.00?" 21 00:01:48,399 --> 00:01:49,818 {\an8}Sir, it's a standard fee. 22 00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:53,822 {\an8}Well, we are not boarding that plane unless you waive that tax. 23 00:01:53,905 --> 00:01:55,198 {\an8}Waive it! 24 00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:56,950 -(train horn blaring) -(labored breathing) 25 00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:59,702 {\an8}Stupid anti-fist-shaking laws! 26 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:02,705 -(grunts) -(grunts) 27 00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:04,958 (both grunt) 28 00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:07,836 {\an8}The Simpsons are riding the rails! 29 00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:10,171 {\an8}Cool. A dead hobo. 30 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:11,381 {\an8}( Bart grunts) 31 00:02:12,423 --> 00:02:14,676 {\an8}-(all scream) -Mornin', folks. 32 00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:17,262 {\an8}-What are you gonna do to us? -Now, don't worry. 33 00:02:17,345 --> 00:02:19,931 {\an8}I'm not a stabbin' hobo. I'm a singin' hobo. 34 00:02:20,014 --> 00:02:21,015 {\an8}(all sigh) 35 00:02:21,099 --> 00:02:24,185 {\an8}♪ Nothin' beats the hobo life ♪ 36 00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:28,773 {\an8}♪ Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife ♪ 37 00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:29,899 {\an8}♪ I gouge them-- ♪ 38 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,359 {\an8}Excuse me, Hobo. 39 00:02:31,442 --> 00:02:34,112 {\an8}Can you play something a little less unnerving? 40 00:02:34,195 --> 00:02:36,364 {\an8}(chuckles) Sure. 41 00:02:36,447 --> 00:02:39,159 {\an8}I-- I was just having a little fun with you "nobos." 42 00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:42,704 {\an8}Uh, here's a ballad that'll set fire to your trash can. 43 00:02:42,787 --> 00:02:45,206 {\an8}(guitar intro) 44 00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:48,251 {\an8}♪ Won't you listen to my tale that's ten stories tall ♪ 45 00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:52,881 {\an8}♪ 'Bout a king-sized woodsman named-a Bunyan, comma, Paul ♪ 46 00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:57,635 -(birds twittering) -DR. RIVIERA: Congratulations, Mr. Bunyan. 47 00:02:57,719 --> 00:03:00,221 -It's a boy! -(babbling incoherently) 48 00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:02,515 Jeezum crow! 49 00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:05,935 {\an8}-How was it, honey? -Whiskey, please. 50 00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:08,521 {\an8}-(Homer's voice) Me hungee. -(mooing) 51 00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:14,736 {\an8}HOBO: ♪ Born mighty big, he continued to expand ♪ 52 00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:18,156 {\an8}♪ Thanks to a hopped-up pituitary gland... ♪ 53 00:03:18,239 --> 00:03:20,074 {\an8}Hey! (giggles) 54 00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:22,702 {\an8}(straining) I'll get ya! 55 00:03:24,078 --> 00:03:26,080 {\an8}(whimpers, yells) 56 00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:30,293 {\an8}HOBO: ♪ His body grew big but his brain stayed small ♪ 57 00:03:30,376 --> 00:03:32,879 {\an8}♪ He was tree-choppin', friend-stompin' ♪ 58 00:03:32,962 --> 00:03:36,341 {\an8}♪ House-crushin' Paul ♪ 59 00:03:36,424 --> 00:03:38,343 {\an8}(sniffing) Me hungee! 60 00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:40,803 {\an8}Time to make Paul's breakfast. 61 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,016 Hey, Paul, flapjacks! 62 00:03:45,099 --> 00:03:47,060 -(giggling) -(people screaming) 63 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:51,606 Flapjacks! (drooling) 64 00:03:51,689 --> 00:03:53,358 (all screaming) 65 00:03:53,441 --> 00:03:54,776 Out of the frying pan! 66 00:03:57,737 --> 00:04:01,199 Yuck! All right, uh, let's get started on lunch. 67 00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:05,245 -And... Wait. Where's Lenny? -LENNY: Hello? 68 00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:07,413 Can anybody hear me? 69 00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:09,874 I think I found a way out. 70 00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:12,669 It's not pretty, but it'll do. 71 00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:14,170 (gasps) 72 00:04:16,172 --> 00:04:18,466 All right, look, we gotta do something about Bunyan. 73 00:04:18,549 --> 00:04:21,261 We're going bankrupt just feedin' and clothin' the guy... 74 00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:22,804 not to mention the crushings. 75 00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:24,264 (all murmuring in agreement) 76 00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:27,600 Hey, I say we get him drunk and drag him out of town. 77 00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:30,186 Same way we got rid of Laura Ingalls Wilder. 78 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,605 -(all murmuring in agreement) -Yeah, that's a great idea! 79 00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:36,067 Hmm. (humming) 80 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,569 Uh, hey, Paulie? 81 00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:41,447 {\an8}Uh, what say we buy you a beer? 82 00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:45,994 (soft laughter) 83 00:04:46,077 --> 00:04:49,872 Aw, you guys are the greatest friends a giant doofus could have. 84 00:04:55,253 --> 00:04:57,463 (muttering incoherently) 85 00:04:57,547 --> 00:05:00,008 Good Lord! Brought down by one beer? 86 00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:02,510 And a couple of these babies. 87 00:05:02,593 --> 00:05:06,139 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the barn dance. 88 00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:11,144 -(all straining) -MAN: Watch his head. 89 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,980 (mutters, gasps) 90 00:05:14,063 --> 00:05:15,148 (groggily) Where am I? 91 00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:19,485 {\an8}Oh, they don't want me anymore. 92 00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:20,862 (groans softly) 93 00:05:23,906 --> 00:05:27,201 HOBO: ♪ Paul was just as lonely as a man could get ♪ 94 00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:31,039 ♪ So he took out his ax and he carved himself a pet ♪ 95 00:05:31,789 --> 00:05:33,916 And now-- (grunts) 96 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:37,587 Oh, boy. I wish you were real. 97 00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:41,132 (sighs) Mm. 98 00:05:41,215 --> 00:05:43,384 (snoring) 99 00:05:49,557 --> 00:05:51,476 Hey, what the-- 100 00:05:51,559 --> 00:05:54,187 (giggling) Oh, it's a miracle! 101 00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:58,733 I'll call you Babe. You'll be my best friend. 102 00:05:59,108 --> 00:06:00,818 HOBO: So Paul and his blue ox Babe 103 00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:04,447 traveled all across this great land, leavin' their mark. 104 00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:12,914 (bellowing) 105 00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:18,378 (mumbling incoherently) 106 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,843 -(grunting) -(screeching) 107 00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:27,345 LISA: Excuse me. 108 00:06:27,428 --> 00:06:29,847 Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan. 109 00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:32,600 And his size seems to be really inconsistent. 110 00:06:32,683 --> 00:06:35,269 I mean, one minute, he's 10 feet tall. 111 00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:37,772 The next, his feet are as big as a lake. 112 00:06:37,855 --> 00:06:41,317 -Hey, hey, hey! Who's the hobo here? -I'm just sayin'. 113 00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:47,949 ♪ Now Paul and Babe were a mighty fine match ♪ 114 00:06:48,032 --> 00:06:52,036 ♪ But the man had an itch that an ox couldn't scratch ♪ 115 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:53,121 Huh? 116 00:06:53,621 --> 00:06:57,125 (gasps) She's pretty. 117 00:06:57,208 --> 00:07:00,461 (gasps) Oh. What a handsome man. 118 00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:14,517 -(screams) -(giggling) 119 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,228 -(screaming) -HOMER: Got ya! 120 00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:20,690 Don't worry. I won't smush you. 121 00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:24,527 -You're cute. -Oh. Thank you. 122 00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:27,780 -(humming) -Hey, what are you doing? 123 00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:31,617 -I just wanna spruce up for our date. -Oh. 124 00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:34,412 (giggling) Whoo-hoo! 125 00:07:34,495 --> 00:07:37,457 (blowing) 126 00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:42,670 (chuckles) 127 00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:45,965 -(grunts) -Mmm! 128 00:07:46,048 --> 00:07:47,300 (groans) 129 00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:56,809 Oh! 130 00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:02,106 {\an8}We've been together a long time now. 131 00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:06,736 {\an8}-When are we gonna, you know-- -Soon. 132 00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:10,448 I just need a few more yoga classes. Oh, look! 133 00:08:10,531 --> 00:08:12,533 A shooting star. 134 00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:16,037 Hey, that meteor's headed straight for us 135 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,832 with the fire and the impact and the 100% chance of pain! 136 00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:21,834 -Pain in the glayvin! -(all gasp) 137 00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:26,130 God has sent this fiery kill rock to show us his love. 138 00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:29,258 -No! We're gonna die! No, no, no! -(all clamoring) 139 00:08:29,675 --> 00:08:31,969 There's only one man who can save us. 140 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,679 Oh, I get it. 141 00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:36,516 When I'm crushing and killing you, you don't like me. 142 00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:40,228 But when I can save your life, suddenly I'm Mr. Popular. 143 00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:41,854 Yeah. That's pretty much it. 144 00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:43,731 Whoo-hoo! I'm Mr. Popular! 145 00:08:43,814 --> 00:08:45,775 (giggling) 146 00:08:52,114 --> 00:08:54,200 Come on. Right across the plate. 147 00:08:54,283 --> 00:08:55,576 Let's see what you got, huh? 148 00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:59,789 This one's for the little crippled boy... that I crippled. 149 00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:01,666 MARGE: You can do it, Paul! 150 00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:03,376 Gimme a kiss for luck. 151 00:09:04,585 --> 00:09:06,254 Ow! Hot! 152 00:09:06,337 --> 00:09:08,673 Oh, boy, that's-- (Yelling) 153 00:09:08,756 --> 00:09:11,342 Oh, come on! Ow! 154 00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:13,678 (gasping, grunts) 155 00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:19,684 (all cheering) 156 00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:24,730 HOBO: And that's how Paul Bunyan started the great Chicago fire. 157 00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:26,732 Boy, that story had everything. 158 00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:30,570 -A giant, house crushing, a meteor-- -Townspeople. 159 00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:32,321 Got any more tall tales? 160 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:35,491 Well, I suppose I could spin ya a few more yarns. 161 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:39,787 But first, who wants to give me a sponge bath? I'm filthy. 162 00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:43,833 All right. But your next story 163 00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:45,167 better be worth it. 164 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,047 (sighs) Get in there good. 165 00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:52,508 Yeah, that's it. Don't be shy. 166 00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:54,885 -There you go. -(groans) 167 00:09:58,222 --> 00:10:00,683 OK. Ready for another impression? 168 00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:04,312 This is Southside Jake tearing into Tin Can Tilly. 169 00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:06,314 Oh, this'll be good! 170 00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:09,483 (as Jake): "Who put the beans in my bindle?" 171 00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:11,819 (as Tillie): "Oh, I am so tired of you saying that 172 00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:13,571 I put beans in your bindle! 173 00:10:13,654 --> 00:10:15,031 It just makes me so--" 174 00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:17,742 (as Jake): "Do you ever shut up?" 175 00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:19,535 (as Tillie): "Kiss me, you fool!" 176 00:10:20,578 --> 00:10:22,496 (kissing noises) 177 00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:27,460 {\an8}Uh, could we hear another tall tale? 178 00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:30,254 -In a sec. -(kissing noises continue) 179 00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:33,341 All righty. 180 00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:36,052 Here's a story just for you, little girl. 181 00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:40,264 It's the tale of Johnny-- No. Connie Appleseed. 182 00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:41,932 Oh. (chuckles) 183 00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:45,603 HOBO: Back around 1840... 184 00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:48,105 the great pie known as America 185 00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:50,816 was still cooling on the windowsill 186 00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:54,153 and everybody headed west for a slice. 187 00:10:54,236 --> 00:10:56,072 ♪ Cleaning my gun with the safety off ♪ 188 00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:57,782 ♪ Safety off, safety off ♪ 189 00:10:57,865 --> 00:10:58,824 ♪ Cleaning my gun with the-- ♪ 190 00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:00,660 -(gunshot) -(moos) 191 00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:02,203 Whoopsie. (chuckles) 192 00:11:02,286 --> 00:11:05,581 Dad, you just killed a poor defenseless buffalo. 193 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,833 A poor, delicious buffalo. 194 00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:10,628 He'll be dinner for the whole wagon train. 195 00:11:11,128 --> 00:11:12,129 (buffalo moos, thuds) 196 00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:14,715 -Why'd you kill another one? -Dessert. 197 00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:21,764 -(clinking noise) -Ow! 198 00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:23,891 Hey, I found a bullet. 199 00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:27,520 -(buffalo moos, thuds) -(chuckling) 200 00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:30,356 -Man, buffalo are easy to kill. -LISA: People, 201 00:11:30,439 --> 00:11:33,693 if you don't stop this slaughter, you'll wipe out the buffalo. 202 00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:37,321 Wipe out an entire species? Why, that's impossible. 203 00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:40,408 (all laughing) 204 00:11:40,491 --> 00:11:42,410 (groaning) 205 00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:52,169 Why is it we have ladders that can put a man on the roof 206 00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:53,838 but we can't find a renewable 207 00:11:53,921 --> 00:11:55,089 -source of food? -(vulture screams) 208 00:11:55,172 --> 00:11:57,258 Think, Connie. Think. 209 00:11:57,341 --> 00:12:00,010 -(man's voice) Connie. -Wha-- 210 00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:02,722 Connie. 211 00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:06,726 (gasps) That tree! It seems to be calling to me. 212 00:12:10,771 --> 00:12:13,190 Of course! Apples! 213 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,569 No, Connie, over here! 214 00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:19,238 Help me! (gurgling) 215 00:12:19,321 --> 00:12:22,158 Mom, Dad, look what I found! 216 00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:25,453 (gasps) Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles! 217 00:12:26,328 --> 00:12:29,290 -Mmm! -No, Dad, they're apples. 218 00:12:29,373 --> 00:12:32,418 (groans) Yuck! Yuck! 219 00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:36,922 Well, that's it. I don't want anything to do with this wagon train of death. 220 00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:39,967 Either switch to apples, or go on without me. 221 00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:42,303 -Hmm! -(whip cracks) 222 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,849 You'll be sorry! 223 00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:50,060 -(buffalo moos) -(thud) 224 00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:51,187 Oh! 225 00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:56,233 HOBO: So Connie roamed the prairie alone, 226 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:58,861 planting apples seeds all along the way. 227 00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:02,615 She even changed her last name to "Appleseed." 228 00:13:02,698 --> 00:13:06,327 And her family changed theirs to "Bufflekill." 229 00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:12,541 (snoring) 230 00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,715 (yawning) 231 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,885 I haven't had buffalo in six hours. Marge, 232 00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:25,304 how about whipping up some buffalo sausage, 233 00:13:25,387 --> 00:13:28,766 huevos buffaleros, and some fresh-squeezed buffal-O.J.? 234 00:13:28,849 --> 00:13:32,686 The buffalo are gone. I think you shot them all. 235 00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:34,647 (birds screeching) 236 00:13:34,730 --> 00:13:37,650 {\an8}Oh! Connie was right! 237 00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:40,569 We wiped out the entire species! 238 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:44,490 What have I done? What have I done? 239 00:13:44,573 --> 00:13:47,493 {\an8}Calm down, Pa. There's two left. 240 00:13:48,452 --> 00:13:50,371 -(gunfire) -(both moo) 241 00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:55,960 What have I done? What have I done? 242 00:13:56,043 --> 00:13:57,127 HOBO: With the buffalo gone, 243 00:13:57,211 --> 00:14:00,005 the starving settlers were driven to cannibalism. 244 00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:01,423 (whimpering) 245 00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:04,093 You're the fattest, Bufflekill. 246 00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:06,178 OK, everybody, dig in! 247 00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:09,181 -(all moaning) -(screaming) 248 00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:11,183 Stop! I've got apples! 249 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,269 Delicious, nutritious apples. 250 00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:15,271 And there's enough for everyone. 251 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:20,943 Sweet! 252 00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:24,530 It's like a hootenanny in my mouth! 253 00:14:24,613 --> 00:14:26,615 -We're saved! -It's a miracle! 254 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:29,660 -Hooray for Connie Bufflekill! -What? 255 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,371 So now we're not eating Homer? 256 00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,749 And thanks to that little girl... 257 00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:39,211 today you can find apples in everything that's good. 258 00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:41,422 Apple wine, apple whiskey, 259 00:14:41,505 --> 00:14:44,091 apple schnapps, apple martinis... 260 00:14:44,174 --> 00:14:46,760 uh, Snapple with vodka in it... 261 00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,846 apple nail polish remover... 262 00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:50,806 Don't forget applesauce. 263 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:55,269 Yeah. I suppose you could grind some pills into it. 264 00:14:55,352 --> 00:14:56,353 Aw. 265 00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:03,277 Whoa, look out there, folks. 266 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,946 -That's the mighty Mississippi. -Big deal. 267 00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:09,366 Reminds me of a tall tale about two scalawags 268 00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:12,119 rafting down the Big Muddy... 269 00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:14,705 Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn. 270 00:15:14,788 --> 00:15:18,000 That's not a tall tale. It's a book by Mark Twain. 271 00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:20,336 Look, let's just do this thing. 272 00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:27,676 Whitewashing sucks, Tom. It powerful sucks. 273 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,678 -(humming) -Morning, friend. 274 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:32,681 Want your turn at whitewashin'? It's powerful fun. 275 00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,935 Why, you ain't fooling me again, Tom Sawyer. 276 00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:38,103 -If I may. -(grunts) 277 00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:40,230 Now get to work! 278 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,611 (chuckles) I still got it. 279 00:15:45,694 --> 00:15:48,072 (humming) 280 00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:50,866 Now, Huckleberry Finn, you get down from there. 281 00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,160 A body could break his neck. 282 00:15:53,243 --> 00:15:54,453 I ain't afeard of that. 283 00:15:54,536 --> 00:15:57,957 -I'd just get a new neck, off'n a cat. -(gasps) 284 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,250 {\an8}-Huck! -(groaning) 285 00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:03,879 Oh, Huck, you gave your bones an awful rattling. 286 00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:08,968 Yeah. But I'm feeling better right now. 287 00:16:10,719 --> 00:16:12,304 {\an8}-HOMER: Aha! -Papa! 288 00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:14,556 Hold my daughter's hand, will ya? 289 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:17,977 I was gonna let go by-and-by. 290 00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:20,270 Well, I guess there's no harm done 291 00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:22,815 as long as it was going to be by-and-by. 292 00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:24,233 But just to play it safe... 293 00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:27,486 We're gathered here today to force this man 294 00:16:27,569 --> 00:16:31,365 Huckleberry Finn, into holy matrimony. 295 00:16:31,448 --> 00:16:34,118 How romantic. 296 00:16:34,201 --> 00:16:36,704 This reminds me of our shotgun wedding. 297 00:16:37,162 --> 00:16:38,998 Grandpa, we've been married for years. 298 00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:40,874 When are you gonna put down that gun? 299 00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:43,002 Well, I reckon you're right. 300 00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:45,045 Hang it all! 301 00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:48,882 Do you, Huck, take Becky as your wife? 302 00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:51,301 -(squealing) -Whoa! 303 00:16:51,927 --> 00:16:55,305 Hey, they done switched the groom with a pig! 304 00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:58,559 -No wonder he was pooping so much. -NELSON: Ha-ha! 305 00:16:58,642 --> 00:17:01,020 (snorting, laughing) 306 00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:03,480 Come on! Let's get those polecats! 307 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:06,859 {\an8}-(all clamoring) -(squeals) 308 00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:11,447 Oh, d'oh! 309 00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:13,157 Now, we'll never catch 'em! 310 00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:18,579 I reckon we're safe now. There's the state line. 311 00:17:24,918 --> 00:17:26,587 Uh-oh! Rapids! 312 00:17:26,670 --> 00:17:28,547 (both screaming) 313 00:17:30,799 --> 00:17:33,886 MAN (on P.A.) Please do not exit the raft 314 00:17:33,969 --> 00:17:36,346 -until it has come to a complete stop. -(foot steps) 315 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:40,267 Mr. Silas, this young lady's flashing her privates. 316 00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:43,228 Oh! Well, I'll dispose of this! 317 00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:46,607 (sinister chuckling) All for Silas. All for Silas. 318 00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:52,780 (both yawn, sigh) 319 00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:55,449 I'm considerable hungry. We got any food left? 320 00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:57,493 Hmm. Looks like we're out of corn pone, 321 00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:00,370 fatback, hardtack, fat pone, "corntack." 322 00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:02,122 -Any "tackback"? -"Tackback"? 323 00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:03,957 -I mean "backtack." -Plumb out. 324 00:18:07,544 --> 00:18:10,547 One jug of whiskey, three plugs of tobacky 325 00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:12,800 and some extra-strength opium. 326 00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:15,969 -That will be two cents, boys. -(gasps) Two cents? 327 00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:19,515 Hey, if you think my prices are high, go across the street. 328 00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:23,852 -Thank you. Come again. -(groans) 329 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,897 He put the lard pone on top of the egg pone. 330 00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:28,023 Dang! 331 00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:31,610 Double dang! 332 00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:35,989 Aw, donkey butter! 333 00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:38,575 (both gasp) 334 00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:45,624 -(both panting) -Oh, it's no use. 335 00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:48,293 -I got an idea. -(horn blowing) 336 00:18:49,878 --> 00:18:52,089 Uh. Hmm. Uh... 337 00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:55,509 Well, dog my cats. They's dis-apporated. 338 00:18:57,594 --> 00:18:58,971 Keep quiet, Huck. 339 00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:01,348 They won't look up here if nothing draws their attention. 340 00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:04,852 ♪ Old man river ♪ 341 00:19:04,935 --> 00:19:09,148 ♪ That old man river ♪ 342 00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:14,069 ♪ He just keeps rolling... ♪ 343 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:17,698 (both screaming) 344 00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:21,243 Well, I see President Fillmore is in the news again. 345 00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:23,912 -Glug, glug, glug. -(all laughing) 346 00:19:26,039 --> 00:19:27,499 What'll it be, boys? 347 00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:29,877 -Just three X's for me. -Give me five. 348 00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:39,636 This ain't no five-X whiskey. I can still see. 349 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,638 That barkeep's a no-good cheat! 350 00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:42,931 ALL: Cheat? 351 00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:52,024 Eh. All right. We've all got derringers. 352 00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:55,569 Now let's just put 'em away. Nobody here is a cheat. 353 00:19:55,652 --> 00:19:56,695 ALL: Cheat? 354 00:19:57,321 --> 00:19:58,363 Aw, geez. 355 00:20:01,950 --> 00:20:05,495 Man, those derringer bullets are weak. 356 00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:06,872 Powerful weak. 357 00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:10,000 Light out, and stay lit out! 358 00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:11,710 (both yelling) 359 00:20:15,505 --> 00:20:17,049 (gurgling) Aw, catfish. 360 00:20:17,799 --> 00:20:21,595 {\an8}Let us pray for the souls of these dearly departed young men, 361 00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:26,058 Huckleberry Finn and Thomas Sawyer. 362 00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:33,190 Now for the traditional lowering of the bodies into the coffins. 363 00:20:33,273 --> 00:20:36,026 (organ playing) 364 00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:42,407 And that was Tom and Huck's last adventure. 365 00:20:42,491 --> 00:20:45,535 I liked that story, 'cause I was a judge. 366 00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:47,246 MAN: Delaware! 367 00:20:47,329 --> 00:20:49,373 Well, this is our stop. 368 00:20:49,456 --> 00:20:51,792 Would you like to come sightseeing with us? 369 00:20:51,875 --> 00:20:53,919 We're going to visit the place where J.C. Penney 370 00:20:54,002 --> 00:20:55,796 sends their damaged merchandise. 371 00:20:55,879 --> 00:20:59,508 No, thanks. I'm gonna keep on ridin' the rails 372 00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:01,468 swappin' stories for sponge baths. 373 00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:03,845 {\an8}(all laughing) 374 00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:05,430 (Hobo clears throat) 375 00:21:05,514 --> 00:21:08,100 I believe I told three stories. 376 00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:13,063 Oh! I'll meet you in Wilmington. 377 00:21:13,146 --> 00:21:14,398 (train horn blares) 378 00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:17,651 Close the door. 379 00:21:19,611 --> 00:21:23,365 HOMER: Raise your arm. OK, the other one. 380 00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:26,576 HOBO: You know, I do, uh, 400 sit-ups a day. 381 00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,453 HOMER: Oh, it shows. I was gonna say something... 382 00:21:28,537 --> 00:21:30,580 but I thought it might sound, you know, weird. 383 00:21:30,664 --> 00:21:31,665 HOBO: Oh, not at all. 384 00:21:31,748 --> 00:21:34,668 I like when people say nice things about my body. 385 00:21:34,751 --> 00:21:36,962 HOMER: And it's important to feel good about yourself. 386 00:21:37,045 --> 00:21:39,172 OK, spread your toes. 387 00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:40,465 Oh! 388 00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:42,676 You know how much glass is in here? 389 00:21:43,677 --> 00:21:44,720 (theme music playing) 390 00:22:23,759 --> 00:22:25,260 -(murmuring) -Shh! 391 00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:28,513 HOMER: Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles! (chomping sound) 392 00:22:28,597 --> 00:22:30,432 Captioned by Visual Data Media Services