1
00:00:03,921 --> 00:00:06,881
(SINGING) The Simpsons

2
00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:19,686
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

3
00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:26,275
(HORN BELLOWING)

4
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:43,876
(PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE)

5
00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:48,756
(TIRES SCREECHING)

6
00:01:00,144 --> 00:01:01,185
(HONKING)

7
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,020
(TIRES SCREECHING)

8
00:01:05,149 --> 00:01:06,232
D'oh!

9
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:07,525
(SCREAMS)

10
00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:08,693
(BRAKES SCREECHING)

11
00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:30,089
I love Chinatown,

12
00:01:30,174 --> 00:01:33,384
although I wish they'd stop
picking on Tibet Town.

13
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:35,344
(PEOPLE GRUNTING)

14
00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:41,517
(GASPS)

15
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,936
Ooh, it must be
Chinese New Year.

16
00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:45,438
(SIREN WAILS)

17
00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:49,358
(ROARING)

18
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,614
People buy them
when they're small and cute.

19
00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:56,115
Then they flush them
down the toilet.

20
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,366
(GONG SOUNDING)

21
00:01:57,826 --> 00:02:00,411
Uh, yeah.
I'll have the shark butt
with butt sauce.

22
00:02:00,496 --> 00:02:02,872
Bart!
Excellent choice, sir.

23
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:09,796
How is the Feast
of Twelve Delights
with Triple Happiness Sauce?

24
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,631
Very disappointing.

25
00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:14,342
Then I'll have the
sweet and sour rice.

26
00:02:14,426 --> 00:02:15,885
Oh, very good.

27
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:19,388
Would you like that
with the fragrant bee
bellies or the cat noses?

28
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,057
Neither, thank you.

29
00:02:21,225 --> 00:02:22,809
Is there any way
we can enhance

30
00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:25,561
your dining experience
by hurting an animal?

31
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:26,687
No!

32
00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:30,525
Fortune cookies!

33
00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:36,364
And now to read my fortune.
"Geese can be troublesome."

34
00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:39,158
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?

35
00:02:39,243 --> 00:02:42,870
Oh. Fortune means
geese cause problems.

36
00:02:42,955 --> 00:02:46,040
Well, I knew that
before I came in here.

37
00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:48,251
A guy outside told me that.

38
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,420
"Every house
has a bathroom."

39
00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:53,840
Oh, these fortunes
are terrible.

40
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,299
Is there a problem?

41
00:02:55,384 --> 00:02:57,176
These fortunes
are terrible.

42
00:02:57,261 --> 00:02:59,470
They're supposed to
predict stuff

43
00:02:59,555 --> 00:03:01,931
and ease you through
times of doubt
and sickness.

44
00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:04,016
Well,
with all due respect, sir,

45
00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:06,686
I suppose
you could come up
with better fortune?

46
00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:08,563
Easy.

47
00:03:09,106 --> 00:03:10,231
Well?

48
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,150
"You will be aroused
by a shampoo commercial."

49
00:03:13,986 --> 00:03:16,195
That's not bad.
Come with me.

50
00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:24,161
(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)

51
00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:27,999
It's terrible!
What am I doing here?

52
00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:31,335
I should be in
New York writing riddles
on Popsicle sticks!

53
00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:33,296
Then I'd be
making a difference.

54
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,339
They ruined my best fortune.

55
00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:37,800
I wrote, "Let a frown
be your umbrella."

56
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,385
They change it to "smile."

57
00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:42,305
A frown is a much better
umbrella than a smile!

58
00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:47,268
This gentleman here
can write better fortunes

59
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:49,353
than all of you
put together.

60
00:03:49,438 --> 00:03:51,647
Show them.
Okay, let's see...

61
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:55,484
"The price of stamps
will climb ever higher."

62
00:03:55,611 --> 00:03:57,486
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Very profound.

63
00:03:57,613 --> 00:03:58,613
(EXCLAIMS)

64
00:03:58,697 --> 00:04:00,406
He's like a young me!

65
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:03,159
Please!
Yung Mee was a hack
compared to this guy!

66
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:04,452
You're hired.

67
00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:07,830
Let's see.
"You will invent
a humorous toilet lid."

68
00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:10,833
"You will find true
love on Flag Day."

69
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:13,419
"Your store is
being robbed, Apu."

70
00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:15,338
Are you getting
all this, Lisa?

71
00:04:17,299 --> 00:04:18,799
I don't know.

72
00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:23,095
"You are a real winner."

73
00:04:24,056 --> 00:04:27,308
That fortune
really nailed me,
and my winning ways.

74
00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:28,517
(GIGGLES)

75
00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:35,107
"You will take
a short sea voyage."
Yarr! I'll enjoy that.

76
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:42,990
$14 and 10, 11, 12 cents.
There you go.

77
00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:45,159
You know, sir,
tipping is customary.

78
00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:47,703
Ooh! Me sorry!
Me no speaky Chiny!

79
00:04:50,457 --> 00:04:52,833
General Gao,
you're a bloodthirsty fool,

80
00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:55,044
but your chicken
is delectable.

81
00:04:57,506 --> 00:05:01,300
This cookie feels heavy,
as if there's
some paper inside.

82
00:05:03,595 --> 00:05:04,637
(CRACKING SOUND)

83
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:05,972
Nice job, sir.

84
00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:07,348
That was my thumb.

85
00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:11,310
There seems to be
some sort of communiqué!

86
00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:12,478
It's your fortune, sir.

87
00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:13,646
Capital!

88
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:18,401
"You will find true
love on Flag Day."
Why, it's Flag Day today.

89
00:05:19,403 --> 00:05:21,654
True love at last!

90
00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:24,156
Well, it's just
you and me here, sir.

91
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:25,783
No time for jokes,
Smithers.

92
00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:28,160
Come along.
We're going womanizing.

93
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,079
Oh, goody.

94
00:05:32,624 --> 00:05:36,794
So I foreclosed
on her mortgage
and took her cats.

95
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:38,546
(BOTH LAUGHING)

96
00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:42,842
Oh, Monty.
It's such a delight
to talk to you.

97
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:46,387
I've gone five minutes
without saying,
"Well, I never!"

98
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:49,765
Excellent.
Let me fetch you
another Thomas Collins.

99
00:05:52,436 --> 00:05:53,853
(WHISTLE TOOTING)

100
00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:58,149
Damn that Pennybags!

101
00:05:58,233 --> 00:06:01,736
Between him and
Scrooge McDuck,
all the best ankle is taken!

102
00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:03,446
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

103
00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:06,991
Perhaps there're
some girls in here.

104
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,869
Great heavens!

105
00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:14,165
It's one of those nude
female fire stations!

106
00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:16,959
I'd always be second place
to some kitten stuck
in a tree.

107
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:19,462
Let's go, Smithers.
Smithers?

108
00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,464
(GROANING)

109
00:06:26,470 --> 00:06:29,096
That fortune
promised me true love.

110
00:06:29,181 --> 00:06:31,766
(SIGHS) This has been
the worst Flag Day ever.

111
00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:36,062
(GASPS) That constable
is ticketing my car!

112
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,607
I told you we should've
parked next to the curb.

113
00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:42,109
Now, see here, Flatfoot!

114
00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:45,071
(GASPS)

115
00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:47,281
My goodness.
You're beautiful.

116
00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:49,492
Oh, thanks,
but I still gotta
give you the ticket.

117
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:53,662
Of course you do.
You can lift my
wiper any day.

118
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,247
(CHUCKLING)

119
00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:56,582
Is it still Flag Day?

120
00:06:56,666 --> 00:06:58,167
For 12 more seconds, sir.

121
00:06:58,502 --> 00:07:01,170
Miss,
would you submit to a wooing
by a gentleman caller?

122
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:04,381
Oh, I'm sorry,
but you're really not my...

123
00:07:04,466 --> 00:07:05,841
(WHIMPERING)

124
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,551
Well, okay.

125
00:07:07,636 --> 00:07:10,679
O frabjous day!
She said yes!

126
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:12,765
(HUMMING HAPPILY)

127
00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:15,810
He'll pick you up at 7:00.
Wear a petticoat.

128
00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:16,894
Petticoat?

129
00:07:16,978 --> 00:07:19,021
Here's a place
that rents them.

130
00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:25,486
It's about time
Mr. Burns found a woman.

131
00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:28,447
I can't stand to
see a man single.

132
00:07:28,532 --> 00:07:30,825
Some people enjoy
being alone, Mom.

133
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,285
No. Everyone should
be paired up.

134
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:41,752
It wasn't meant to be.

135
00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:44,463
I've gotta be honest, Monty.

136
00:07:44,548 --> 00:07:48,467
I've never dated anyone
who knew Calvin Coolidge.

137
00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:52,721
Well, I've never dated
anyone with their
original hair and teeth.

138
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,265
(BOTH LAUGHING)

139
00:07:56,560 --> 00:08:00,980
You're a nice guy, Monty.
You're always laughing
and tenting your fingers.

140
00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:02,481
I like that.

141
00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:05,818
Excellent.

142
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:09,238
And you're so upbeat.
You think everything's
excellent.

143
00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:14,451
I really feel safe with you.
It's like going out
with my brother.

144
00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,620
MR. BURNS: Yes!
It's going great!

145
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:19,081
So, what are you into?

146
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,417
"Into"?
Yeah.

147
00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:25,421
Like, what's a fun day
for 104-year-old?

148
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:29,341
Oh, I enjoy all the
popular youth trends

149
00:08:30,886 --> 00:08:34,763
like piloting motor coaches
and collecting dog waste.

150
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:41,103
So,
what shall we do tomorrow?
Go grousing?

151
00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:43,230
Or if you'd
rather stay home,
you could sing

152
00:08:43,315 --> 00:08:45,149
while I accompany
you on the clavichord.

153
00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:47,026
Actually, Monty, I...

154
00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:50,988
I've got some wonderful
stereopticon images
of the Crimean War.

155
00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:53,866
Look, I had
a lot of fun today,

156
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:56,327
but I don't think
we're right for each other.

157
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,288
The age difference
is just too...

158
00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:03,334
Balderdash!
It's not important
how old you are on parchment.

159
00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:05,669
It's how old you
feel in the humors.

160
00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:06,962
I'm sorry, Monty...

161
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,173
Stop that dog!
It has my gum!

162
00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:12,259
Look. There's one of
my young chums now.
You there!

163
00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:14,345
Yes, Mr. Burns?

164
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:17,056
Tell my young sweetheart here
of our youthful exploits.

165
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:18,557
Uh...

166
00:09:19,351 --> 00:09:22,353
Play along, chubsy.
There's a pie in it for you.

167
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:26,732
Oh! Yeah.
Monty's a wild man!

168
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:28,901
Yeah!
Whoa!

169
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:30,819
He ran his own casino,

170
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:34,114
stole the Loch Ness monster,
got shot by a baby,

171
00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:36,075
and blotted out the sun!

172
00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:37,701
Wow. That was you?

173
00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:39,411
So, shall I pick you
up at 8:00?

174
00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:40,537
Well...

175
00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:43,165
Come on.
He's a total player.

176
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:46,085
Okay.
Stop kicking my door.

177
00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:51,465
Well done, young man.

178
00:09:51,549 --> 00:09:53,175
Your youthful trendiness
will come in handy

179
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:54,802
throughout the
courting process,

180
00:09:54,886 --> 00:09:56,929
because these days,
you...

181
00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,390
Where did you get
that pie?

182
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:00,683
Windowsill.

183
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:02,268
(SCREAMING)

184
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:08,941
New underpants?
Homer, what are you up to?

185
00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:10,901
Burns wants me to
come along on his date

186
00:10:10,986 --> 00:10:13,904
to show him where
hip young people go.

187
00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:18,117
Well, don't look too hip.
You don't want that
girl falling for you.

188
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:20,744
You're right!

189
00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:24,957
These would stop
Joan Collins herself!

190
00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:26,792
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

191
00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:34,550
(PANTING) Drat!
I wish that song were longer.

192
00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:39,847
I've got to admit,
you can really shake it.

193
00:10:39,931 --> 00:10:42,766
Yes.
That's totally voluntary.

194
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:46,145
So, you guys come
here all the time?

195
00:10:48,231 --> 00:10:49,273
Constantly.

196
00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:50,691
When we're not
being kicked out

197
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:53,861
for our rowdy
youthful behavior,
eh, pally?

198
00:10:53,945 --> 00:10:58,324
Yep. No one's rowdier
or more youthful than
Old Man Burns!

199
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,409
You mean Young Man Burns.

200
00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:04,997
(WHISPERS)
Put my hand on her knee.

201
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:06,915
Yes, Mr. Burns.

202
00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:10,419
I said her.
And I said knee.

203
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,795
Oh! Sorry.

204
00:11:13,715 --> 00:11:15,966
I'm going to make
such love to you

205
00:11:16,051 --> 00:11:18,344
that you'll forget all
about Rudolph Valentino.

206
00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:19,386
Turn left here.

207
00:11:19,471 --> 00:11:20,471
No problem.

208
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:22,181
Mmm.

209
00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:26,018
(EXHALES)

210
00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:29,188
All right, you're dismissed.
I'll take it from here.

211
00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:30,981
But Mr. Burns,
you're exhausted.

212
00:11:31,066 --> 00:11:33,609
Yes. But I have
a little secret.

213
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:36,612
I've obtained a rare
powerful aphrodisiac.

214
00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:39,823
It was made from the
pockets of the pocket fox,

215
00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:43,410
an animal that only existed
for three weeks in
the 16th century.

216
00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:51,251
See you tomorrow night,
Simpson!

217
00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:54,254
Huh?

218
00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:56,965
(CHUCKLES)

219
00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,301
(SHOUTING)

220
00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:02,554
(BOTH MOANING)

221
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:07,184
Homie, that was amazing!

222
00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:09,978
(GASPS) I hope the kids
didn't hear us.

223
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:14,483
Wow.

224
00:12:14,859 --> 00:12:17,361
(HUMMING)

225
00:12:18,530 --> 00:12:20,531
Burns looks happy today.

226
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:23,700
Watch me take advantage
of his good mood.

227
00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:27,246
Mr. Burns?
Can I have a raise?

228
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:29,373
Clean out your desk.
You're gone.

229
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:30,958
Well, I had a good run.

230
00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:34,545
(SINGING) If I counted
all of the things I've got

231
00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:38,090
You might really think
I had a lot

232
00:12:38,341 --> 00:12:43,137
But I won't be satisfied
if I don't have you

233
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,851
Living in a castle
like a king

234
00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:52,312
Wouldn't be much fun
without my queen

235
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:53,397
(ELECTRICITY SURGING)

236
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:57,693
And I'd probably
throw it all away
if I don't have you

237
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:01,488
(WHOOPING)

238
00:13:02,157 --> 00:13:05,284
Once again, my dear,
you've beaten two
strapping young bucks!

239
00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:06,702
Excellent.

240
00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:12,124
Did you hear that?
That "excellent"
was excellent.

241
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:14,877
Can I have some ice cream?
I finished my pizza.

242
00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:18,630
In time, in time.
I need to speak
with you in private.

243
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:24,178
Back in a moment, my dear.
We have to...
Expel some urine!

244
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:27,473
You're going to
ask her to marry you?

245
00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:30,893
Isn't it wonderful?
I'm head over heels
in love!

246
00:13:31,186 --> 00:13:33,479
Are you sure you
want to do this so fast?

247
00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:37,900
Yes. My biological
clock is ticking.
I could be dead again soon.

248
00:13:38,943 --> 00:13:40,944
Wait, my dear.
I think you'll find

249
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:44,239
that red ball
more "engaging."

250
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:45,699
Hmm?

251
00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:47,868
(GASPS)

252
00:13:49,913 --> 00:13:50,954
(GASPS)

253
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:54,291
Monty, it's beautiful.

254
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:56,376
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

255
00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:58,921
Gloria,
say you'll marry me.

256
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:06,845
Oh, Montgomery.
Of course I'll marry you.

257
00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:12,100
Spectacular!
Now we must celebrate.
I'll get some Champagne-iola!

258
00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:15,229
This is the happiest day
of my life.

259
00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:19,191
Nothing could spoil it.
Absolutely nothing.

260
00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:20,859
(HUMMING)

261
00:14:21,486 --> 00:14:23,779
Okay, gun. Check.

262
00:14:24,405 --> 00:14:30,702
Dollar-sign bag, check.
Power bar, check.
All right! Let's rob this...

263
00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:34,790
Bowling alley?
Okay, whatever.

264
00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:39,628
All right!
Totally... Gloria?

265
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,673
Snake?
I thought you
were in prison.

266
00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:46,927
I was. I told the guard
that I was going out for
a pack of cigarettes.

267
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:48,887
Then I totally stabbed him.

268
00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:49,972
(CHUCKLES)

269
00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:54,643
You're looking good, baby.
Why did we ever break up?

270
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:57,729
You pushed me out
of a moving car.

271
00:14:57,814 --> 00:15:01,149
The cops were chasing us.
I needed to lighten the load.

272
00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:03,527
And, um, protect you.

273
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:04,820
Ha, ha.

274
00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:08,782
Come on, baby.
We can talk more
at my hideout.

275
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:12,661
No! I'm engaged now!
(GASPS) My ring!

276
00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:16,915
Let go of her,
or I'll scream!

277
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,375
(SCREAMING)

278
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:20,085
Callooh! Callay!
We're in luck!

279
00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:22,879
They had a magnum
at the shoe counter.
Now for...

280
00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:24,715
Gloria?

281
00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:28,760
Her ring.

282
00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:33,432
Well, she's run off!
With Simpson.

283
00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:42,524
Well, this is my house.

284
00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:44,318
Uh-uh.

285
00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:47,237
Jeez,
I just wanted to escape.

286
00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:53,076
Gloria, you better
tell your boyfriend
to be a good little hostage.

287
00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:56,121
He's not my boyfriend.
Mr. Burns is.

288
00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:57,956
Homer just comes
along on our dates

289
00:15:58,041 --> 00:15:59,625
and carries us
to the bedroom.

290
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:03,920
You're dating that
old trilobite? Gross!

291
00:16:04,422 --> 00:16:06,340
We're in love, Snake.

292
00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:08,216
Don't say that, baby.

293
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:12,471
I'm gonna win you back
if I have to pistol-whip
this guy all night.

294
00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:14,097
Pistol-whip?

295
00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:15,682
Ooh.

296
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:17,225
Mmm.

297
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,854
Pistol Whip.

298
00:16:21,272 --> 00:16:22,648
Local authorities
are confident

299
00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:24,650
the killer bees
are just curious

300
00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:27,319
and won't bother us
if we don't bother them.

301
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:29,363
On a serious note,
two local residents

302
00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:31,281
have been missing for
the last 20 minutes.

303
00:16:31,366 --> 00:16:33,909
We take you now live
to Barney's Bowlarama

304
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,953
and the last man
who saw them,
C. Montgomery Burns.

305
00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:38,330
I don't understand.

306
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,791
She was my
young sexy fiancée.

307
00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:43,251
He was my
sexually-virile best friend,

308
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:46,421
and they just drove off
in my Bugatti Sexarossa.

309
00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:48,298
How could this
ever have happened?

310
00:16:48,383 --> 00:16:53,178
Well, according to
our audience insta-poll,
46% say you're too old,

311
00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:55,555
and 37% say she's a skank.

312
00:16:57,934 --> 00:16:59,434
Almost there.

313
00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:10,028
Wow. Who do you have to kill
to get a place like this?

314
00:17:10,113 --> 00:17:12,406
I think his name
was Gustafson.

315
00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:14,074
Ow!

316
00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:15,992
(SCOFFS)

317
00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:18,120
Let me guess.
Now you're gonna start

318
00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:20,789
working him over
with the brass knuckles.

319
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:23,041
You are so predictable.

320
00:17:23,126 --> 00:17:25,460
You know what
would be surprising?
A foot massage.

321
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,170
Shut up.
D'oh!

322
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:30,799
Beating a man
to a bloody pulp
isn't going to impress me.

323
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:33,719
It used to.
What if I beat him harder?

324
00:17:33,803 --> 00:17:36,096
Wow, you so don't get it.

325
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:39,641
Has the ship sailed
on my foot massage
suggestion?

326
00:17:41,436 --> 00:17:42,936
Don't worry, Mr. Burns.

327
00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:46,565
We'll track down Simpson
with your vehicle's
anti-theft system.

328
00:17:46,774 --> 00:17:48,400
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Car gone! Car gone!

329
00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:51,069
Yeah, we know that.
Where has it gone to?

330
00:17:51,154 --> 00:17:53,613
(SHOUTING) Car gone!
Car gone! Car gone!

331
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:57,325
Chief? This yokel
says he saw Simpson
driving down near Hickton.

332
00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:58,493
Uh-huh.

333
00:17:58,661 --> 00:18:00,662
My peepers don't lie.

334
00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,748
That's nice work, Lou.
Lock him up.

335
00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:03,832
Huh?

336
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:08,712
Hey! Hey, I want that lawyer
what wears the cowboy hat.

337
00:18:10,173 --> 00:18:12,257
Release the girl, Simpson!

338
00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:15,260
I think I can
take him out, Chief.

339
00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:20,515
That's a sweet shot.
He's tied to a chair.

340
00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:23,894
That means Dad's
not a kidnapper,
he's a hostage!

341
00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:30,233
Get off my lawn, coppers,
or I'll totally
turn the sprinklers on!

342
00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:34,237
Come on, Snake.
You don't want to
soak all these people.

343
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:37,908
We're in minute two
of this standoff.
What's the situation, Chief?

344
00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:40,577
Well, we have an officer
sneaking around the house,
Kent,

345
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,621
so unless they have
a television in there

346
00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:44,539
or can hear my
loud talking...

347
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,124
(GUNSHOT)

348
00:18:46,209 --> 00:18:47,584
Ow, ow, ow, ow!

349
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:50,128
Well, I guess that
answers that, doesn't it?

350
00:18:50,213 --> 00:18:55,550
I swear I can change, Gloria.
I'm taking classes
in computer fraud.

351
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,845
That's what
you said about the
telemarketing scams.

352
00:18:58,930 --> 00:19:00,722
But you didn't stick with it.

353
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:03,225
I don't like
bothering people at home.

354
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:07,020
Good fire.
Good fire.
Keep burning.

355
00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:11,233
Almost there.
Just a little more.
Wait!

356
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:13,235
(SCREAMING)

357
00:19:16,239 --> 00:19:17,239
(GASPS)

358
00:19:24,247 --> 00:19:26,832
But Gloria is still inside!
Save her!

359
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:31,753
It's too dangerous!
But I got a sister
you might like.

360
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:34,089
She's completely hairless,
like those cats.

361
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,926
I don't care if she's
Miss Hairless America!
I'm spoken for.

362
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,887
Now step aside.
I'll save Gloria myself.

363
00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:46,351
You? No offense,
but you're a decrepit
monkey skeleton.

364
00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:49,521
Perhaps.
But this monkey skeleton
is in love!

365
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,319
(GRUNTING)

366
00:19:57,947 --> 00:19:58,947
(SIGHING) Oh.

367
00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:02,617
Who am I kidding?
I'm just a feeble old man.

368
00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:04,536
(GROANS)

369
00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:06,496
Gloria!

370
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,044
He did it!
He saved her!

371
00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:17,966
Well, the important thing
is they're both safe.

372
00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:25,223
I know you've been
through a lot, ma'am,

373
00:20:25,308 --> 00:20:27,517
but we need you
to stand in front
of the burning house and say,

374
00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:29,811
"Channel 6 is
hot, hot, hot!"

375
00:20:30,313 --> 00:20:33,565
Wow, Mr. Burns.
How did you do that?

376
00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:35,442
Never forget, Homer.

377
00:20:35,526 --> 00:20:38,862
There's no muscle stronger
than the human heart.

378
00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:43,158
What about the wiener?
A guy on TV lifted
a can of paint with his.

379
00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:44,618
Yes.

380
00:20:44,702 --> 00:20:46,661
Monty, you saved me!

381
00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:51,166
And to think
I was once in love
with that dirty lowlife

382
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:54,628
with his arrogant smirk,
gutter mouth,

383
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:58,506
tough-guy attitude,
macho tattoos,

384
00:20:58,633 --> 00:21:00,300
hair that can't be tamed,

385
00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:03,553
(INHALES)
prison-sculpted body...

386
00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:05,805
Uh-oh.

387
00:21:07,558 --> 00:21:09,601
I'm sorry, Monty.

388
00:21:09,685 --> 00:21:11,811
Oh, Snake!
Don't ever change.

389
00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:14,022
Yeah, but... But you...

390
00:21:14,857 --> 00:21:17,776
I don't get it, Simpson.
I'm a "bad boy."

391
00:21:17,860 --> 00:21:19,444
Oh, I know.

392
00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:21,321
I'm absolutely evil.

393
00:21:21,405 --> 00:21:22,948
You're preaching
to the choir, man.

394
00:21:23,032 --> 00:21:25,075
What do I have to do?
Grow a devil beard?

395
00:21:25,159 --> 00:21:26,451
Devil beard?

396
00:21:26,535 --> 00:21:28,703
You know,
the little goatee thing.

397
00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:30,163
HOMER: You mean a Vandyke?

398
00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:32,332
MR. BURNS: No, a Vandyke has
a moustache, doesn't it?

399
00:21:32,416 --> 00:21:33,792
LISA: I think it can.

400
00:21:33,876 --> 00:21:35,543
BART: Are you talking
about a soul patch?

401
00:21:35,628 --> 00:21:37,629
MR. BURNS: No! Wait.
Maybe.

402
00:22:32,768 --> 00:22:33,768
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