1
00:00:03,879 --> 00:00:06,631
(SINGING) The Simpsons

2
00:00:17,935 --> 00:00:19,602
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

3
00:00:24,441 --> 00:00:26,109
(HORN BELLOWING)

4
00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:44,085
(PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE)

5
00:00:47,506 --> 00:00:48,589
(TIRES SCREECHING)

6
00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:00,977
(HONKING)

7
00:01:01,812 --> 00:01:02,854
(TIRES SCREECHING)

8
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,357
D'oh!

9
00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:07,525
(SCREAMS)

10
00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:08,609
(BRAKES SCREECHING)

11
00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:27,420
Bill, bill...

12
00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:33,760
Bill.
Homer, you got a letter.
Hmm. It's from the library.

13
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:40,183
Overdue book?
This is the biggest
frame-up since O.J.

14
00:01:40,809 --> 00:01:44,437
Wait a minute.
Blood in the Bronco,
the cuts on his hands,

15
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:48,191
those Jay Leno monologues!
Oh, my God! He did it!

16
00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:49,442
(WHIMPERS)

17
00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:51,235
Here's the book.

18
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:52,278
(BLOWS)

19
00:01:52,362 --> 00:01:54,030
"Classics for Children"?

20
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,949
Yeah. I checked that out
when Bart was born.

21
00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:59,786
I was gonna read
to him every day.

22
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:00,912
What happened?

23
00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:04,499
Stuff kept coming up.
Mostly car-related.
Piece of crap.

24
00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,125
Why don't you
read to us now?

25
00:02:06,210 --> 00:02:08,419
I decide who reads and when!

26
00:02:10,714 --> 00:02:13,007
How about now?
Mmm.

27
00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:16,677
Homer's Odyssey.
Is this about that
minivan I rented once?

28
00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:19,639
No, Dad.
It's an epic tale
from ancient Greece.

29
00:02:19,723 --> 00:02:22,725
That minivan had
the biggest cup holders.

30
00:02:23,018 --> 00:02:27,313
And change slots
for every coin,
from penny to quarter.

31
00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:30,817
Dad, I loved it, too,
but it was seven years ago.

32
00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:32,193
Fine.

33
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:35,154
"It was the end
of the Trojan War.

34
00:02:35,239 --> 00:02:37,990
"Clever Odysseus had
come up with a plan

35
00:02:38,075 --> 00:02:40,785
"to destroy the Trojans
once and for all."

36
00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:42,578
(GRUNTING)

37
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,501
Hi, odiddily-Odysseus!

38
00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:49,919
(MUTTERS)
Stupid king of Troy.

39
00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:52,588
I think I speak
for all the Greeks
when I say

40
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:55,258
this war has gone
on for too long.

41
00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:59,095
I'll say.
I'd really like to go
out and get the mail.

42
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:04,058
Anyway, over torture,
one of your soldiers
mentioned

43
00:03:04,142 --> 00:03:06,227
that you collect
giant wooden animals.

44
00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:08,437
We hope you
don't have a horse.

45
00:03:09,106 --> 00:03:11,983
Well, I don't have
one from you.

46
00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:13,150
Bring it in!

47
00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:23,119
Now throughout history,
when people get wood,

48
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,912
they'll think of Trojans.

49
00:03:26,415 --> 00:03:27,623
Trojans.

50
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,292
What are you
laughing at, Dad?

51
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:32,795
If I'm laughing at
what I think I am,
it's very funny.

52
00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:38,217
Anyway, "As night fell,
the Greek soldiers crept
from the wooden horse."

53
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:39,969
(SNORING)

54
00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:49,478
Aw, look at them.
Sleeping like little angels.

55
00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:51,898
Spare no one.

56
00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:54,150
(SCREAMING)

57
00:03:56,653 --> 00:04:00,531
Remember, just 'cause
their heads are off,
it don't mean they're dead.

58
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:09,040
Now I can return to Ithaca
and my sweet wife, Penelope.

59
00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:12,627
Odysseus, do not forget
to thank the gods
for our victory

60
00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:14,795
with an appropriate
animal sacrifice.

61
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,255
Forget it!

62
00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:18,466
Sacrificing animals
is barbaric.

63
00:04:18,634 --> 00:04:20,801
Now have the slaves
kill the wounded.

64
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:30,561
No sacrifice?
We'll teach that mortal
to trifle with the gods.

65
00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:31,896
I got it.

66
00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:33,439
(GRUNTS)

67
00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:34,774
(EXPLOSION)

68
00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:37,735
You fat lush.
You just destroyed Atlantis.

69
00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:39,195
You used to be fun.

70
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:42,114
Where's the Zeus
who used to turn into a cow

71
00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:43,783
and pick up chicks?

72
00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:46,202
He grew up.
Maybe you should, too.

73
00:04:46,995 --> 00:04:48,704
Poseidon,
you take care of Odysseus.

74
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:52,583
Yarr. I'll send him far.
Off course.

75
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,090
(LAUGHS) "Greece"
is the word.

76
00:05:01,093 --> 00:05:03,260
Is it "vase" or "vase"?

77
00:05:03,595 --> 00:05:05,304
You gonna be asking
that the whole trip?

78
00:05:05,389 --> 00:05:07,848
Gentlemen,
I must be wasted,

79
00:05:07,933 --> 00:05:10,476
'cause it looks like
that cloud is mad at me.

80
00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:13,688
Yarr!

81
00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:16,107
Yarr!

82
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,193
(ALL SHOUTING)

83
00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:24,240
(ALL SIGH IN RELIEF)

84
00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:30,746
SIRENS: (SINGING)
On the island
Island of Sirens

85
00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:34,834
Our hot sex
Will leave you perspiring

86
00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:36,669
Hey, that's kind of catchy.

87
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:40,297
It's coming from that island.
Let's steer heedlessly
towards it.

88
00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:41,882
Heedlessly it is.

89
00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:43,300
(HUMMING)

90
00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:51,100
The feta is cheesy
The Sirens are easy

91
00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:55,646
Boy, if they kiss
as good as they lure, wow!

92
00:05:56,106 --> 00:05:59,275
On the island

93
00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:03,029
We'll sex you up

94
00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:06,198
Island of Sirens

95
00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:07,908
Oh, God!
They're hideous!

96
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,118
(BOTH EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

97
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:12,079
Someone gouge my eyes!

98
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:14,081
FRINK: Save me
from the ladies!

99
00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:24,091
It's been so many years
since I've seen your father.

100
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:26,469
I hope he's
still the magnificent

101
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,804
physical specimen
he was when he left.

102
00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:32,016
Mom, maybe it's time
to choose a suitor.

103
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:35,311
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

104
00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:40,483
Discus Stu has
ouzo for twozo.

105
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:41,984
I'll leave you guys alone.

106
00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:45,071
Discus Stu was
talking to you.

107
00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:46,489
(SHUDDERS)

108
00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:48,824
Oh, where could
your father be?

109
00:06:49,201 --> 00:06:50,826
HOMER: Almost home.

110
00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,411
(ALL CHEERING)

111
00:06:52,996 --> 00:06:54,330
(ALL GROANING)

112
00:06:56,666 --> 00:06:58,501
Ain't I a stinker?

113
00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:04,757
Welcome to my island.
I am Circe, the sorceress.

114
00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:07,676
Boy, who decided
to give every
weirdo an island?

115
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:10,679
You must be thirsty.
Drink from my cauldron.

116
00:07:12,808 --> 00:07:15,851
Well, I was in the mood
for something bubbling.

117
00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:17,770
Out of the way, slim.

118
00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:22,441
(EXCLAIMS)

119
00:07:22,526 --> 00:07:24,443
(ALL SNORTING)

120
00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:28,114
Thanks for your help
with the anchor, guys.
Guys?

121
00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:29,907
(ALL SNORTING)

122
00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:32,034
That pig looks like Lenny.

123
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:34,161
Hey!

124
00:07:34,246 --> 00:07:37,790
Mmm. That's the next best
thing to eating Lenny.

125
00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:41,919
I'm still hungry.

126
00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:43,754
Didn't you eat
enough of your friends?

127
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:46,090
(GASPS)
Those were my friends?

128
00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:48,676
Yes. I've been
saying that for hours.

129
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:52,054
That's it! I'm going home!
Which way to Ithaca?

130
00:07:52,264 --> 00:07:53,889
It's not so easy.

131
00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:56,976
You must go through Hades,
crossing the River Styx.

132
00:07:57,060 --> 00:08:01,355
(SINGING) You're my lady

133
00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:04,692
Of the morning

134
00:08:05,569 --> 00:08:08,237
Oh, this truly is hell!

135
00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:15,327
Okay. It has been 20 years,
and you suitors
have been very patient.

136
00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:17,746
We've been beyond patient!

137
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:20,332
When we came here,
Helen of Troy was hot!

138
00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:21,584
Now look at her!

139
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:24,587
This is the face
that launched
a thousand ships,

140
00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:26,172
the other way.

141
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:28,716
HOMER: Honey, I'm home.

142
00:08:29,885 --> 00:08:32,094
Well, look who
the fates dragged in.

143
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:34,430
Oh, I'm sorry
I was gone so long,

144
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:38,017
but I'm gonna do
something I haven't
done for 20 years.

145
00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:39,935
Take out the trash!

146
00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:42,897
(ALL GROANING)

147
00:08:45,108 --> 00:08:48,986
Sweet Penelope,
you're just as beautiful
as you were when I left.

148
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:51,488
Oh, I can't stay mad at you.

149
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:54,867
ALL: Aw.

150
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,160
(ALL GROAN)

151
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:59,038
Brave Odysseus,
it's been 20 long years.

152
00:08:59,122 --> 00:09:01,373
Regale me with tales
of your adventures.

153
00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,834
Quit suffocating me.
I'm going to Moe's.

154
00:09:03,919 --> 00:09:04,919
(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION)

155
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:10,257
Oh, here's the story
of Joan of Arc.

156
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:12,593
Ooh! Did you say
Joan Van Ark?

157
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:14,386
No, Mom. Joan of Arc.

158
00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:17,056
It's never Joan Van Ark.

159
00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:22,102
This one takes place
in a make-believe
kingdom called France.

160
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:27,024
"The French were
fighting the English
in the Hundred Years' War,

161
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:30,527
"which was then called
Operation Speedy Resolution."

162
00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:35,991
Son, how's it going
with the breakfast pâté?

163
00:09:36,368 --> 00:09:37,409
I'm on it.

164
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:38,661
(QUACKING)

165
00:09:39,663 --> 00:09:40,663
(SQUAWKS)

166
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,541
Bartrand,
where is your sister Joan?

167
00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:48,003
Morning bells are ringing.
Morning bells are ringing.

168
00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:51,340
She's talking to her
invisible friend. God.

169
00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:56,845
And please
bless Mama and Papa
and Bartrand and Coco Chanel.

170
00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:05,354
(IN DEEP VOICE) Joan of Arc,
I am your God.

171
00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:06,647
(EXCLAIMS WORRIEDLY)

172
00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:09,775
I have chosen you
to lead the French army
to victory

173
00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:11,819
over the English invaders.

174
00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:13,904
But I'm just a little girl.

175
00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:18,284
I know.
I have three eyes.
Now get cracking.

176
00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:24,039
God wants you to lead
the French army to what?

177
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:25,541
Victory.

178
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:26,709
Victory?

179
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:30,129
We're French!
We don't even
have a word for it!

180
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:33,549
God spoke to me.
I must obey.

181
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,635
(IN DEEP VOICE) Joan,
give me your dessert.

182
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,178
That's just you, Bart.

183
00:10:38,555 --> 00:10:41,307
GOD: Joan,
give me your dessert!

184
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,558
Yes, sir.

185
00:10:45,353 --> 00:10:46,770
(GOD MUNCHING)

186
00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,982
That's going straight
to my five thighs.

187
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:54,570
All right, garçons.

188
00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:56,989
(COUNTING IN FRENCH)

189
00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,073
Huh?

190
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,701
No, un.
You know, French for "one."

191
00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:03,370
Well, you keep
switching back between
French and English.

192
00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,456
Just fire the damn thing.

193
00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:09,209
(EXCLAIMS IN FRENCH)

194
00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:11,920
(GROANS)

195
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:19,553
My fault this time.
I didn't tuck in my legs.

196
00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:24,183
Wait! I have been sent
to lead the French army
to victory!

197
00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:25,684
(ALL LAUGHING)

198
00:11:25,769 --> 00:11:28,354
Yeah, really?
And how are you
gonna do that?

199
00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:29,772
With modern ideas,

200
00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:33,108
like putting
bigger, harder people
in the catapult.

201
00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:35,319
Or, how about rocks?

202
00:11:35,779 --> 00:11:36,820
(ALL MURMURING)

203
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,238
SOLDIER: Rock.

204
00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:41,075
I don't know how
to feel just now.

205
00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:43,452
And now, attack!

206
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,371
(YELLING)

207
00:11:45,830 --> 00:11:47,331
(SWORDS CLANGING)

208
00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:48,665
(LISA EXCLAIMING)

209
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:49,792
Shouldn't we help her?

210
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:51,377
Yeah, right behind you, Lou.

211
00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:52,961
(YELLING)

212
00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:58,008
Uh-oh.
There's my supervisor.

213
00:11:58,093 --> 00:11:59,635
(YELLING)

214
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:01,929
(ALL YELLING)

215
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:05,891
(IN COCKNEY ACCENT)
Hello, hello, hello.

216
00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:09,978
What's all this then?
It's a little bird
with a knife, isn't it?

217
00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:11,313
(GROANS)

218
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,649
What a thing to happen!

219
00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:15,067
(GROANS)

220
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,111
(ALL GROANING)

221
00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:19,196
Blimey!

222
00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:25,285
We welcome our savior,
Joan of Arc.

223
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:28,664
It is customary to
kneel before the king.

224
00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:32,709
I would gladly kneel,
were you the real king.

225
00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:33,919
(ALL GASPING)

226
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,214
You are the true dauphin.

227
00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:39,383
You had this impostor
try to fool me

228
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:41,969
to see if I was
truly sent by God.

229
00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:48,851
Bravo, Joan of Arc.
You are as brainsome
as you are toothsome.

230
00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:51,645
(CHUCKLES)

231
00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:55,232
Quimbe, you may resume
your regular duties now.

232
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,526
It would be my pleasure.

233
00:12:57,652 --> 00:12:59,736
Vibrate for me, footstool.

234
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:01,738
(VIBRATING)

235
00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:03,907
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

236
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:07,744
Loyal subjects,
let us drink to Joan of Arc,

237
00:13:07,829 --> 00:13:12,291
who will conquer the English,
and has already
conquered my heart.

238
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:13,459
(LAUGHS)

239
00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:16,044
Uh, God says we should
just be friends.

240
00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:19,047
I wouldn't say
King Milhouse is a loser,

241
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:22,134
but that's the 12th girl
he's struck out
with this week!

242
00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:24,136
Boil him in oil!

243
00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:26,263
So no 10:30 show?

244
00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:35,981
Let us kill the English!

245
00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:39,359
Their concept of
individual rights
could undermine the power

246
00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,320
of our beloved tyrants!

247
00:13:41,404 --> 00:13:42,654
(ALL CHEERING)

248
00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:45,324
They're attacking again.

249
00:13:45,408 --> 00:13:47,201
I thought we had a truce.

250
00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:50,537
Just because
you keep saying it
doesn't make it so.

251
00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:52,164
(GROANS)
Oh, my word!

252
00:13:56,753 --> 00:14:01,423
You can't stop me!
I was sent by God!

253
00:14:02,926 --> 00:14:04,301
I want my mommy!

254
00:14:04,385 --> 00:14:07,513
I captured a wee girl!

255
00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:10,682
I'm the greatest hero
in English history!

256
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:11,808
(WHINNYING)

257
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:16,396
Joan of Arc,
you are accused of heresy,
witchcraft,

258
00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:19,441
and that man told me
you pushed him.

259
00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:20,859
(GRUNTS ANGRILY)

260
00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:24,530
I would like to call
my only witness.
Almighty God.

261
00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:27,407
(ALL GASPING)

262
00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:40,754
GOD: I told this maiden
to lead the French
to victory.

263
00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:43,674
Wait a minute,
you two-timing spot of light.

264
00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:47,052
You told me to lead
the English to victory!

265
00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:49,680
(GASPS)
Is that true, Lord?

266
00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:52,808
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Well, I never thought
the two of you

267
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,060
would be in
the same room, actually.

268
00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:58,897
This is a little embarrassing.
Goodbye now.

269
00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:02,067
That was weird.

270
00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:03,235
Let's burn her!

271
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:05,153
ALL: Yeah! Burn her!
Burn her!

272
00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:12,619
Don't burn her!
She's just an innocent child!

273
00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:15,581
Burn this guy!
He lost a good bucket!

274
00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:23,255
Joan, renounce your faith.
Save yourself.

275
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:27,593
Don't worry, beloved parents.
God won't let
anything happen to me.

276
00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:30,804
Huh. Getting kind of
hot around here.

277
00:15:31,514 --> 00:15:32,556
Wow.

278
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,601
What happened, Dad?
They didn't really
burn her, did they?

279
00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:37,853
Of course
they didn't, honey.

280
00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:39,605
"Just then,
Sir Lancelot rode up

281
00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:41,773
"on a white horse
and saved Joan of Arc.

282
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:45,235
"They got married and
lived in a spaceship.
The end."

283
00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:48,030
(HUMMING)

284
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:51,491
Well, that's easier to chew
than that Bambi video.

285
00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:58,624
Our next story is Hamlet,
by William Shakespeare.

286
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:00,792
Dad, these old stories
can't compare

287
00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:02,586
with our modern
super writers.

288
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:05,005
Steven Bochco could
kick Shakespeare's ass!

289
00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:07,549
Look, this story's
more interesting
than you think.

290
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:09,968
It starts with
Hamlet's father
getting murdered.

291
00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:12,262
Cool. Does he get
to marry his mom?

292
00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:14,640
I don't know,
but that would be hot.

293
00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:18,644
"Once upon a time,
there was a young
Prince of Denmark."

294
00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:25,400
Hamlet! Avenge me!

295
00:16:25,735 --> 00:16:26,818
Dad?

296
00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:29,237
Yes. I have
returned from the dead.

297
00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:31,948
Looks like you've
returned from the buffet.

298
00:16:32,033 --> 00:16:34,242
Why, you little... D'oh!

299
00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:40,040
My son,
I have some shocking news.
I was murdered.

300
00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:43,085
Murdered, I tells you!
Really?

301
00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:49,091
Behold! As I slept,
your Uncle Claudius
poured poison in my ear.

302
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,593
Poison most foul!
(MOANS)

303
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:56,014
So he could marry your mother
and become the king!

304
00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:57,933
Yeah,
that was quite a weekend.

305
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:00,936
Now you must avenge me.
Avenge me!

306
00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:02,562
How?
I don't know.

307
00:17:02,647 --> 00:17:04,940
Surprise me.

308
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,359
(IN GHOSTLY VOICE)
Surprise me!

309
00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:11,613
Could that fat ghost
be telling the truth?

310
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:14,241
First, I've gotta
get Uncle Claudius
to confess.

311
00:17:14,325 --> 00:17:15,617
Then I've gotta kill him.

312
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:21,039
It's cold outside.
You'll need a sweater.
(IN GHOSTLY VOICE) A sweater!

313
00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:30,465
And if your idea
of a first date
is burning down her village,

314
00:17:30,842 --> 00:17:33,385
you just might be a Viking!

315
00:17:33,803 --> 00:17:35,470
(ALL LAUGHING)

316
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:40,225
That's what I get for
sitting up front, eh?

317
00:17:42,478 --> 00:17:43,895
(LAUGHING)

318
00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:45,564
(BOTH SCREAMING)

319
00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:46,857
(LAUGHS)

320
00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:48,984
I love these jesters.

321
00:17:49,193 --> 00:17:52,988
They're exactly
what I need to forget
about my first husband.

322
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,990
Yeah,
I really miss the old guy.

323
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,242
It was all I could do
to put on his jewels

324
00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:59,870
and score with his wife
every night.

325
00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:02,247
How are you doing, kid?
Nice to see you.

326
00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:05,208
Now we would
like to warn you,
our performances

327
00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:08,295
tend to make audience members
blurt out hidden secrets.

328
00:18:08,379 --> 00:18:09,588
Oh, boy.

329
00:18:09,672 --> 00:18:12,716
Aha! Methinks
the play's the thing

330
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,594
wherein I'll catch
the conscience of the king.

331
00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:17,679
Catch my conscience? What?

332
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:20,390
You're not
supposed to hear me.
That's a soliloquy.

333
00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:22,809
Okay, well,
I'll do a soliloquy, too.

334
00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:24,102
(CLEARS THROAT)

335
00:18:24,187 --> 00:18:27,022
Note to self.
Kill that kid.

336
00:18:27,482 --> 00:18:30,442
Okay, we're gonna open it up
with a little improv.

337
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:32,110
Somebody shout
out a location!

338
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:33,987
This castle!
Okay.

339
00:18:34,197 --> 00:18:35,322
How about an occupation?

340
00:18:35,406 --> 00:18:37,115
Usurper of the throne!

341
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:38,700
(GRUNTS WORRIEDLY)

342
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:41,244
I think I heard
"usurper of the throne."

343
00:18:41,329 --> 00:18:42,871
Now finally,
I need an object.

344
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:44,372
Ear poison!

345
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:46,708
Hey, do you have diarrhea?

346
00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:48,376
I have diarrhea.

347
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:49,544
Sit down!

348
00:19:00,515 --> 00:19:03,099
Wait a minute!
I didn't use
that much poison!

349
00:19:03,184 --> 00:19:04,309
(ALL GASPING)

350
00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:08,522
I mean, I didn't use
that much poi, son,
at the royal luau.

351
00:19:08,606 --> 00:19:09,898
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

352
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:12,234
(GASPS)

353
00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:17,489
Daddy, it's true!
Uncle Claudius murdered you!

354
00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:20,325
Oh, great.
Now Hamlet's acting crazy.

355
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:23,203
Well nobody
out-crazies Ophelia.

356
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:27,707
Hey, nonny nonny,
with a hoo and a haw,
and a nonny nonny hey!

357
00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:29,125
(SPLASH)

358
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,090
(YELLING)

359
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:38,802
Hamlet, what'd I tell you
about running with swords?

360
00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:41,972
Someone's behind the curtain.
It could be Claudius.

361
00:19:42,056 --> 00:19:44,516
Only one way to find out.

362
00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:46,434
(MAN GROANING)

363
00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:47,894
Ow!

364
00:19:47,979 --> 00:19:50,814
Polonius? What are you doing
behind the curtain?

365
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:54,734
I hide behind curtains
'cause I have a fear
of getting stabbed.

366
00:19:54,819 --> 00:19:56,695
Daddy's stomach is crying.

367
00:19:56,779 --> 00:20:01,449
Laertes, you gotta do
a special big-boy job
for Daddy.

368
00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:04,619
I need you to
avenge my death.

369
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,621
I like revenging!

370
00:20:08,958 --> 00:20:11,793
I'm gonna kill Hamlet.
Here's my mad face.

371
00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:13,461
(GRUNTS ANGRILY)

372
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:14,629
(LAUGHS)

373
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:17,716
Cute kid.
But just in case
you don't kill Hamlet,

374
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,552
I put some
poison on the food,
on the drapes,

375
00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:23,471
even on Rosencarl
and Guildenlenny here.

376
00:20:23,848 --> 00:20:26,224
If Hamlet touches
either of us, he's dead.

377
00:20:26,309 --> 00:20:27,267
Booyah!

378
00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:28,351
(BOTH GROAN)

379
00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:32,647
Now, Hamlet,
you know the rules.

380
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:35,734
Laertes here gets
one practice stab.

381
00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:37,027
Oh, boy!

382
00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:40,780
Boy, did I bet
on the wrong horse.

383
00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:41,865
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

384
00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:45,243
Now there's
nothing to stop me
from getting my vengeance.

385
00:20:45,328 --> 00:20:46,912
You sure you don't want
a nice piece of fish,

386
00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:48,914
or to finger
the drapes a little?

387
00:20:48,998 --> 00:20:50,874
This ends here!

388
00:20:51,042 --> 00:20:52,500
(EXCLAIMS)
(GROANS)

389
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:55,670
Remember me as a peacemaker.

390
00:20:56,005 --> 00:20:57,255
(GROANS)

391
00:20:58,007 --> 00:21:01,509
And now to celebrate life!
Whoa! Bloody floor!

392
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:02,594
(GROANS)

393
00:21:06,182 --> 00:21:08,558
No way
I'm cleaning up this mess.

394
00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:10,185
(GRUNTS)

395
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,147
And that's the greatest
thing ever written.

396
00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:15,398
Are you crazy?

397
00:21:15,483 --> 00:21:17,567
I can't believe
a play where every
character is murdered

398
00:21:17,652 --> 00:21:19,194
could be so boring!

399
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:22,030
Son, it's not only
a great play,

400
00:21:22,365 --> 00:21:27,035
but also became a great movie
called Ghostbusters.

401
00:21:27,328 --> 00:21:29,412
(GHOSTBUSTERS THEME PLAYING)

402
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:33,184
English - US - PSDH